Ed Ranks Ways White Kids Can Mess Up Black History Month School Assignments

Well, I can’t let February come and go (although I almost did... happy February 29!) without mentioning Black History Month, aka the month where white kids all over the US typically have to do a "Black History Month" report that a lot of them will fuck up. Most of the time, people select one figure from history and do a report on him or her. But why is there so much fucking up? Various reasons. Here are the top five of those. 

5. You are in Florida, Texas, etc. 

Look kid, this one is less YOUR fault and more the state's fault. Chances are if you live in one of these types of states (I’m picking on these two, but it’s far more than this… and it’s also part of counties and rural towns all over the country) or areas… you never really had a chance to get educated properly about anything. You had legislators pass laws to ban “critical race theory” and other boogeymen that they are afraid make white people look anything less like history’s heroes… and you weren’t able to properly learn shit. Sorry, that sucks. Please escape from where you live and/or go out and vote to change things. 

4. You Did Poor Research and Showed a Superficial Understanding 

You could fit into this #4 category here because you are also a subset of #5 above, but not everybody is. Some people are just lazy and bad students. Or are just straight up racists. Or are just straight up dumbasses. These people will turn in garbage that is poorly researched, inaccurate, or rely on superficial information. Like googling something and taking it from some idiot’s blog about ranking things. Or Wikipedia. 

3. You Implied Racism Was A Thing of the Past Thanks to this Historic Figure  

Rosa Parks. Martin Luther King Junior. Jackie Robinson. Sidney Poitier. Frederick Douglas. The names go on and on. Chances are when many white kids write about these famous Black Americans, they lean in hard on the “and they helped to end racism in America” narrative as part of the story. Which is, you know, never actually happened. 

2. You Picked Barack Obama 

Same as #3 above, but you’re just fucking lazy. I mean come on. Pick someone else. Anyone really. Except no… please… no… please don’t pick an ath—

1. You Picked an Athlete

Ah shit. So you had the assignment to pick a historic Black figure in American history and you chose an athlete, huh? Yeah, no. Just lean riiiiiiight into that stereotype. Dr. Charles Drew pioneered blood transfusions and his work has probably saved hundreds of millions of lives over the years, but I get it… he never got 5 championship rings like Kobe did.

Ed Ranks Things that a Coxless Pair Could Be

Just Some Guys Going Coxless

A “coxless pair” is a racing boat used in competitive rowing, designed for two rowers. The name implies that there is no coxswain (steerer, who faces the opposite direction) on the boat. 

But what if that WASN’T what a coxless pair was? Here are 5 other things it could be. 

5. A Sitcom About Andruw and Chipper Jones 

Retired baseball players Andruw and Chipper Jones (no relation) share an apartment together in the suburbs of Atlanta. Ever since they retired from the Braves and no longer have the guidance of their former head coach, Bobby Cox, they are always getting into trouble and can’t seem to keep get their lives together. It’s sort of like “The Odd Couple,” only a lot more terrible and with an awful premise. 

4. A Home Renovation Show Where they Don’t Use any Caulk

Joe and his wife Amanda are going to flip houses and re-do kitchens to make them amazing! But no caulk at all will be used! Oh, am I cheating by re-spelling “cox” as “caulks?”  Well, that’s how homonyms work, kiddo. Get used to it. Because a lot more of that is coming your way below. Especially dick jokes. 

3. Twins Born without the Ability to Produce Cyclooxygenase (COX) Enzymes

The lack of an ability for the body to produce prostaglandin-endoperoxide synthasem enzymes, also known as Cyclooxygenase (COX) Enzymes, would certainly limit the ability for these two children to biosynthesize prostanoids, including thromboxane and prostaglandins such as prostacyclin, from arachidonic acid. While it might not fatal, there could be some medical problems and it would certainly be the topic of some medical research if this problem was ever identified. 

2. A Cheech and Chong Movie About Cock Fighting 

This could be a terrible Cheech and Chong movie from like 1983ish where they are all caught up in the underground world of illegal cock fighting, but they lose their prized rooster (while they are high, naturally) and have to go on some huge search to find it. I dunno. Something like that. Let’s not pretend that this ranking is anything other than a filler. 

1. Bert and Ernie

No way either of them has a cock. If they did, I would have some serious questions for Sesame Street. 

Ed Ranks Social Media By How Into It Emperor Caligula Would Be

Why did I stop ranking things for a few years?

Laziness?

Okay, yes.

But also I was simply running out of ideas. I’ve ranked a LOT of things and every time I thought of something, I looked back and said, “ah, I did that in 2017.”

One thing I most certainly have NOT done before? Rank a historical figure based on their hypothetical social media preferences.

So here we go!

Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, aka “Caligula,” was the third Roman Emperor, ruling from 37 AD to 41 AD. Though some contemporary sources point to him being fairly normal, or at least starting out normal, many sources also him as a man who became increasingly self-indulgent, cruel, sadistic, extravagant, and sexually perverted.” The term “insane tyrant” is also thrown around a lot, and he also apparently demanded to be worshipped as a god. Oh yeah, and he tried to make his horse a consul (a chief magistrate of the Roman state, which by the time of emperors served in an administrative role to the ruler).  His eventual cause of death? Assassination. Which I suppose is the way that batshit insane sexual deviant rulers typically do go out.

He, of course, predated Social Media by 2000 years. But, like, what if he hadn’t? If Caligula was on social media – what would his jam be?  Let’s rank the options!

10. LinkedIn

First thing first, LinkedIn is barely even a “social media” page today, although it tries to be. I’m not saying that Caligula wouldn’t have a LinkedIn page for his official “administrative” or “work” purposes. But there is no way that he’d be the one updating it or looking at it. One of his consuls (maybe even his horse) would be assigned that task. This dude most likely spent his days gorging on grapes that slave girls hand-fed him while watching what must have been the equivalent of snuff films, so he’s not going to be paying much attention to his boring LinkedIn. Which is a shame. He could be using his professional connections to forge alliances, recruit advisors, and be more politically influential. But since he didn’t… so… you know… assassination.

9. X, Formerly Known as Twitter

Twitter famously had a 140-character limit, which made it good for short announcements or thoughts. Caligula would have probably had a guy in charge of this for him. Little quick announcements. Then that doubled to 280, which allowed for some longer statements, given that everyone was already misusing what the site was designed for and doing long-forming replies. That is probably when it would have jumped the shark for Caligula. And now? With the 4000-word limit for people who pay for whatever TwitterBlue is called these days? No way would Caligula be interested in this dumpster fire of a site. I know you can think he’d maybe be Trump-like and love Twitter, but he wouldn’t. No way would this man allow someone like a Musk to do all this crazy shit. He’d kill Musk and take the site for himself. And then forget about it.

8. Pinterest

Caligula might get around to half-paying attention to a collection of boards where he pins some of his favorite fashion trends (I mean it’s mostly different togas, right?), chariot designs, and architecture.  But the C-Dawg is more of a hedonistic, narcissistic sociopath and “pinning” other people’s content on some boards of things he likes for future reference and inspiration doesn’t seem much like his personality type. He wants to show off his stuff, not pin other people’s stuff.

7. MySpace

They had music back in ancient Rome. I know it’s a lie that Nero played the fiddle while Rome burned, since the fiddle wasn’t invented yet, but surely there were lutes and trumpets and shit, right? I’m sure there were cool imperial marching songs that Caligula might have put up on his MySpace. But what types of music do you think he’d be into? Is Caligula a glam rock guy? An emo guy? A techno music guy? I guess we’ll never know.

6. SnapChat

I don’t even know why SnapChat was a thing in the modern age, so I’m struggling to understand why Caligula would bother with it. I suppose the big innovation of SnapChat was the disappearing messages for secrecy. Which is why 15 year olds liked it so their parents couldn’t see who they were talking to. I don’t imagine Caligula cared or bothered much with the concept of “privacy.” He could basically do whatever he wanted. You know. Emperor and everything. Speaking of which…

5. Tinder

Sure, it would be fun to think of Caligula swiping right for hotties (boys, girls, horses, whatever) he was interested in, and swiping left to people he would relegate to the fighting pits. Yeah, he was a sexual deviant, so at first thought, a “hookup app” might sound like it’s right up his alley. But let’s be honest here, Caligula wouldn’t waste his time with a dating app to figure out who he was going to have sex with. He was the Emperor. He would just see someone on the street that he liked and would send in his imperial guards and… you know… that was that. He would probably have an account and everything, but on a day-to-day basis of hedonism he’d probably just have ladies (and again… boys… horses) brought to the imperial court before him so he could decide whether he’d have a go.

4. YouTube

I don’t really think of YouTube as “social media” per se like some of the other sites try to be, but it’s certainly full of “influencers” who have sites and try to get a following, so I suppose it is. I could certainly see Caligula having a brief stint as a “vlogger,” using the video format to show off his ostentatious wealth like an episode of Cribs. Show live videos of his insane banquets where he’s eating stuffed goose at a giant table and vomiting it all out after (yeah, yeah, I know the whole ‘vomitorium’ thing about Roman Emperors gorging and purging is a myth). Maybe showing off any imperial conquests. Caligula would be all about “showing off,” but I just don’t know if he’d keep up with the vlogging. So time intensive to make and edit those long-form videos. He’d get tired of it and move on to other options.

3. Facebook

I don’t think that Caligula would be that into Twitter, because I definitely get Facebook vibes from him. He wants to blast his decrees and rambling thoughts to the masses, and he’s not going to be stopped by any character limit. He’d be super political (you know, obviously promoting his own rule and policies) and would be always telling tedious, lengthy, unhinged stories (since he was batshit crazy). What I’m saying is that Caligula would essentially be using Facebook the exact same way your crazy uncle would be. Only if Caligula has ranting conspiracy theories about people wanting to assassinate him… well… he’s right.

2. TikTok / Vine

While YouTube would, in the end, be way too much work for Caligula – short form video would be fine with him. No, he wouldn’t be trying to “pioneer” (e.g. steal from Black people) any new dance moves or anything like today’s TikTok. But bite-sized clips are an easy way for Caligula to make imperial decrees and show off his extravagant wealth and power.  Long form video tends to show too much of the man behind the curtain, Wizard of Oz style. The quick TikToks or Vines allow him to show off his larger-than-life rule as the emperor and avoid additional context or a need to edit anything into a cohesive story. Caligula, like modern sociopaths, love TikTok.

1. Instagram

Even easier than doing videos is doing photos, and Intstragram allows the ability to do videos as well, so it’s sort of the best of both worlds. But the photos can be edited and manipulated. Maybe take a few pounds off any selfies, you know? Caligula is definitely gonna be a visual media guy. He doesn’t need video to flaunt his opulent lifestyle. His lavish marble palaces, banquets of food pouring out of literal cornucopias, his selfies at the chariot races and standing over the bodies of slaughtered gladiators… all of it is perfect for the Insta. And in addition to posting his own stuff, I can see him scrolling through the feed of any hot Roman girls (or boys… or horses) and hitting that “double tap” for “like.” And if he likes something you put up, you basically know you have to respond and/or show up to his palace door naked and ready.

So there you have it, folks. I’m CLEARLY not running out of ideas for things to rank.

Clearly.

Ed Ranks Wrestling PPV Show Names that ChatGPT Came Up With

Random Sasha Banks picture works for me. 

While we're on the topic of ChatGPT, I told it to come up with the name of a new Wrestling Pay Per View event (or as they're often being branded these, days, "Premium Live Event.")   Why? Because the WWE's next such event, "Elimination Chamber," is coming up this weekend. And that is a TERRIBLE NAME. I mean it's just awful. Can ChatGPT do better? 

The answer? 

No. Not really. 

But it tried. So here are the 10 awful names it came up with, and as bad as "Elimination Chamber" is, I'm not sure any of these are any better. Maybe #1. 

 10. Havoc Havens

Descripted by ChatGPT as "inside the ring, chaos reigns supreme as wrestlers navigate through a labyrinth of obstacles and traps."  This, I assume, just grabbed the name of WCW's Halloween Havoc, which only had the "Havoc" name to be alliteritive with the fact that it was the October PPV, and lost the October / Halloween theme, so now it's... Havoc Havens? Just alliterative for no reason? 

9. FuryFest

The description for this one prioduced by the AI was so generic it isn't even worth mentioning. And while the name itself conceptually isn't too bad, it's way too easy to accidently say "Furry Fest," which makes this sound like a Furry convention of people in stuffed animal suits banging each other. No thank you. 

8. MayhemMania

What a terrible name. Adding "-mania" to the end of your notional wrestling PPV is a good way to get sued by the WWE, and MayhemMania is all around a lazy name.  At least this time the ChatGPT came up with a  theme that sounded interesting - it's an all hardcore PPV with d no-holds-barred stipulations. Sure, that sounds fine. With a better name. 

7. Titan Takedown

Another way to get sued by the WWE is to put the word "Titan" in your PPV name, which was the name of the WWE parent company, at least until its merger with UFC to form TKO. Again, if you've seen articles about how ChatGPT has actually gotten lazier and dumber, this is a good example that this technology will not be taking over for humans any time soon. The dumb AI's description for this one again simply vaguely compares wrestlers to titans and talks about them fighting. Snore. 

6. ThunderDome Rumble

I never instructed ChatGPT to make these PPV names alliterative, but it did it for every single last one of them... except for this one. ThunderDome Rumble is not alliterative, however it does blindly steal from the name of a Mad Max movie, as well as an old WCW match type that was sort of a precursor to a Hell in a Hell match. At least the AI description for this one describes the action as happening "inside the ThunderDome," but beyond that doesn't say much interesting. I think the Tina Turner estate would need to get money if anyone used this name. 

5. Rampage Rumble

You can't just take "AEW Rampage" and "Royal Rumble" and mash them up and make something even less interesting. Or I guess you can. 

4. Savage Showdown

Okay, this isn't among the worst of the worst, but again I never really asked for alliteration, but it decided I was getting it. If you say the word "Savage" though, I think of Randy Savage. So this should be his show. Only he's dead so it can't be. Death sucks. 

3. Brutal Bash

Brutal Bash is no "Bash at the Beach," which it clearly stole its name from, but it's sort of heading in the right direction. Is this name better than "Elimination Chamber?" Not really. But getting there.

2. Adrenaline Assault

Another alliterative suggestion. Another vague description that says absolurtely nothing. I keep saying that, but here is an example of what I mean: “Adrenaline Assault is a pulse-pounding extravaganza featuring non-stop action and adrenaline-fueled showdowns. Every match is designed to keep fans on the edge of their seats as wrestlers unleash their most daring and high-flying maneuvers in pursuit of victory.” Do you know what that says? NOTHING. So many words to say nothing. The name itself? Okay. It’s fine. It might be just as good as Elimination Chamber.

 1. Apocalypse Arena

Apocalypse Arena is the only suggestion from ChatGPT that sounds remotely cool. I could totally replace about half of the boring wrestling PPV names with something called the Apocalypse Arena. Once more, the AI did a bad job explaining the event other than a gobbledygook (easy now, NOT Gobbledy Gooker) of words. However, I’d like to think maybe the whole arena is set up with some cyberpunk post-apocalyptic themes and it’s basically like a Meow Wolf art show for the fans. But for the matches itself, there are several fights happening in something like a “DOOMSDAY CAGE” or something. What is a Doomsday Cage? I don’t know. I’d ask ChatGPT  to come up with something, but it’s pretty lazy and worthless. So for the next ranking, let’s return to human beings writing stuff, eh? 

ChatGPT Ranks the Top 5 Best Summer Olympic Sports (Ranking #400)

Welcome to Ed Ranks Everything Post #400!  What a ride it’s been. To celebrate this momentous anniversary of 400 Rankings… I will do… essentially nothing. Instead, I will let ChatGPT have a try at doing what I did in my first ever post, which was “Ed Ranks the Top 5 Best Summer Olympic Sports.” Will ChatGPT essentially declare Handball and Water Polo to be the same sport like I did and name them both co-winners? Almost assuredly not! Let’s see how this goes: 

Begin ChatGPT text: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5. Cycling

Cycling encompasses a variety of disciplines at the Summer Olympics, including road cycling, track cycling, mountain biking, and BMX racing. Athletes demonstrate exceptional strength, speed, and tactical acumen as they navigate diverse terrains and challenges. From the adrenaline-fueled sprint finishes of road races to the pulse-pounding intensity of velodrome competitions, cycling captivates audiences with its blend of athleticism and strategy. Riders push the limits of human endurance, enduring grueling climbs and breakneck descents in pursuit of Olympic glory. With its rich history and global appeal, cycling continues to inspire fans with displays of athleticism, perseverance, and sheer determination on the Olympic stage.

4. Basketball

Basketball commands attention at the Summer Olympics with its fast-paced action, skillful teamwork, and intense competition. As one of the most popular team sports globally, basketball brings together athletes from diverse backgrounds to showcase their talent on the world stage. The game's dynamic nature, characterized by rapid transitions, precision passing, and high-flying dunks, keeps audiences on the edge of their seats. From the strategic play-calling to the individual brilliance of star players, basketball embodies the spirit of teamwork, resilience, and sportsmanship. Olympic basketball tournaments feature electrifying matchups and dramatic finishes, leaving a lasting legacy of memorable moments and inspiring performances.

3. Gymnastics

Gymnastics mesmerizes audiences with its blend of athleticism, artistry, and precision. Athletes perform gravity-defying feats on apparatuses such as the vault, uneven bars, balance beam, and floor exercise. Each routine demands flawless execution, combining strength, flexibility, and poise in a symphony of movement. Gymnasts push the boundaries of what the human body can achieve, captivating spectators with breathtaking flips, twists, and aerial maneuvers. From the elegance of the balance beam to the dynamic power of the floor exercise, gymnastics showcases the extraordinary dedication and talent of its athletes, leaving a lasting impression of awe and admiration on audiences worldwide.

2. Swimming

Swimming is a cornerstone of the Summer Olympics, featuring events ranging from freestyle, breaststroke, backstroke, and butterfly to medley relays. Athletes display incredible power, endurance, and technique as they propel through the water with grace and speed. The sport combines athleticism with strategy, as swimmers strive for optimal pacing and stroke efficiency to outmatch their rivals. Whether it's the electrifying sprint of the 50m freestyle or the grueling challenge of the 1500m freestyle, swimming events captivate audiences with displays of human strength and determination, often producing unforgettable moments of triumph and sportsmanship on the Olympic stage.

1. Athletics (Track and Field)

Athletics, also known as track and field, encompasses a wide range of events such as sprints, distance runs, hurdles, jumps, and throws. From the breathtaking speed of the 100m sprint to the endurance of the marathon, athletics showcases the pinnacle of human physical ability and agility. Events like the long jump and javelin throw demonstrate precision and power, while races like the 400m hurdles challenge athletes' speed and technique. With its deep-rooted history in the Olympics and its universal appeal, athletics captivates audiences worldwide, celebrating raw athleticism and inspiring generations with moments of sheer excellence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Analysis: 

Ok, so my top 5 were: 

5. Fencing

4. Table Tennis

3. Track and Field 

2. Swimming 

1. Handball / Water Polo

So, ChatGPT and I matched up on two of them (Swimming and Track and Field, the latter of which we similarly both condensed the entirety of a whole bunch of different events into just one). However… come on now… Basketball? Cycling? Snore! AI will never take over if it can’t comprehend how awesome Water Polo is.  And okay, yes, Gymnastics is a fine call by ChatGPT. Maybe in the years since my first ranking my fascination with Table Tennis has waned slightly. But if gymanstics made the cut, it would be #5 and I'd move fencing up to #4 because it's SWORDFIGHTING, people! 

Ed Ranks Superb Owl Halftime Shows

If you don't ride in on a lion, you're not even trying. 

Ah, the Superb Owl. The mighty Strigiformes with the brown ovular egg.  In celebration of it, we play the game of balls’ foot. And as we are half-way through the game of ball’s foot, we watch a glorious show to celebrate the brown ovular egg.  These are the top 10 of those Superb Owl Halftime Shows: 

10. The Weeknd (Super Bowl LV, 2021)

It was sort of hard to pick #10, because I was making the final choice of what makes the list and what doesn’t. In the end, I went with this weird-ass fever dream of a Super Bowl performance. If you ever wondered what a Super Bowl halftime show would be like if everyone was on PCP… well… here you go! The Weeknd is happy to give you just that. 

9. Rihanna (Super Bowl LVII, 2023) 

This must have looked amazing in person.  Just the incredible technical aspects of how this performance was pulled off is incredible to think about. A pregnant woman was flying through the air on moving platforms in a feat of engineering and choreography that is mind-blowing to think about. Unfortunately though… for some reason… it honestly didn’t translate that well to TV. A lot of people went “meh” to this performance because it didn’t actually seem all that grand from their TV at home because on a TV at home you can’t really understand the scale of it all. But in the actual State Farm Stadium? It must have been INSANE. And let’s not forget the fact that this woman essentially vanished from music for a half decade before popping up here to play. 

8. Lady Gaga (Super Bowl LI, 2017)

Lady Gaga was at the height of fame in 2017 and was a huge draw. And her performance was fine and everything. You know. Visually stunning, high-flying stunts and aerial acrobatics. Etc.  But it was also sort of… safe.  For such a controversial and risqué performer, you’d think she would have been just a little more, well, Lady Gaga.  I get that the NFL producers probably pressured her to “play it safe for middle America,” but they did the same thing to the performer I ranked #1 below and he was like “fuck that.” 

7. U2 (Super Bowl XXXVI, 2002)

This fairly somber post-9/11 Super Bowl featured U2 setting a proper tone with their somewhat brooding music. Yeah, by 2002 U2 had already had their quasi-pop transformation and did of course perform the cheery and upbeat “Beautiful Day.” But more memorable is the projection of the names of those who died in 9/11 and the playing of a very melancholy “Where the Streets Have No Name.”  A bit of a bummer compared to other Super Bowls, but the right choice for a few months after such a major tragedy. 

6. Janet Jackson (Super Bowl XXXVIII, 2004) 

One of the most memorable, for all the wrong reasons. Yes, there was the “wardrobe malfunction” and the nipple.  So you obviously remember that Justin Timberlake was there. But you may have forgotten that this halftime show also featured Diddy, Nelly, Jessica Simpson and… ugh… yes… Kid Rock. Forget about the nip and think about that ultimate 2004 lineup. 

5. 4. Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, Kendrick Lamar & 50 Cent (Super Bowl LVI, 2022)

When SoFi Stadium in Inglewood, California hosted the Super Bowl – the NFL had to finally do what it had been avoiding for years – acknowledging the existence of rap / hip hop music.  Yeah, I know you think #5 might be a bit “high” for this ranking. Maybe you think there is some recency bias going on here. But come on now, what a huge list of names. And no, “huge” is not referring to the size of 50 Cent. Stop being mean. This was a massive collection of the biggest stars in hip hop and almost served as a mea culpa by the NFL to recognize a form of music that it had been sweeping under the carpet for the red state viewers. 

4. Beyoncé (Super Bowl XLVII, 2013)

Beyoncé’s (look, I’ve taken the time to include the little accent mark!) halftime show would have already been great even if she DIDN’T whip out Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams for a surprise Destiny's Child reunion (and trust me, Kelly Rowland was sitting by her phone every day in the months leading up to the Super Bowl, patiently waiting for a text message from the Queen B to come in via Microsoft Excel). 

3. Michael Jackson (Super Bowl XXVII, 1993)

Michael Jackson's halftime performance in 1993 is essentially the event that elevated the halftime show to the massive production it is today, ending the era of marching bands and beginning the era of huge stars with mega-productions. He did “We Are the World” AND “Heal the World” (with a children’s choir, let’s just move on and not focus on that), he moonwalked. He did “Billie Jean.” By 93 he had already transformed into weird white woman Michael Jackson, so it’s not as epic as an 80s MJ could have been – but still one of the best. 

2. Katy Perry (Super Bowl XLIX, 2015)

Katy Perry's halftime show in 2015 was a giant spectacle with elaborate set designs and guest appearances by Lenny Kravitz and Missy Elliott. There was obviously the performance of "Firework" with, you know, fireworks bursting overhead. But that doesn’t even compare to the greatness of Left Shark and Right Shark, and that huge fucking Voltron Lion that she rode during “Roar.” Hell yeah, Katy. 

1. Prince (Super Bowl XLI, 2007)

I mean this one isn’t even close. Prince's halftime performance during Super Bowl XLI in the pouring rain (as Purple Rain began to play, HOLY SHIT) is obviously regarded as the greatest in Super Bowl history. Electrifying guitar solos, medleys of his hits, and finally some returning "edge" via phallic silhouettes after years and years or boring, lame, sleepy performances post “Nipplegate” that had made the show's producers only put on geriatric white men performances for the next two years after. 

Ed Ranks 10 More Believable Taylor Swift Conspiracy Theories

I was sick, and then I was on travel. So it’s been a while since the last update. But I’m back. So yay?  Anyway… TOPIC: 

MAGA Idiots. They are stupid and they’ll believe anything dumb. Like Pizzagate and Taylor Swift being part of a Pentagon Psyop to steal the election for Joe Biden. Here are 10 additional incredibly stupid conspiracy theories about Taylor Swift.  They are all stupid and no one should be dumb enough to believe any of them. And yet somehow they are all more believable than the conspiracy theories that many people actually already do believe. 

10. Taylor Swift is Better than Olivia Rodrigo 

You’d have to be SUPER CRAZY to believe this mad conspiracy theory, but some people do. I know, this one is a bit of a stretch. That’s why it’s ranked way down here at 10.  

9. Taylor Swift was Bio-Engineered by a Diva Lab

Swift. Mariah Carey. Whitney Houson. All were not born, but GROWN in a secretive lab in silicon valley with the purpose of creating Grammy-winning musicians. Why exactly? I dunno. Record companies like money I guess. 

8. Taylor Swift Invented Autotune 

Because she hates people’s ears and wants you to suffer. 

7. Taylor Swift is Part of the “Big Avocado” Agenda

Noticee the monumental rise of the popularity of avocado toast at around the same time that Taylor Swift rose to fame? Coincidence? HA! You’re such a naïve fool to believe so. 

6. Taylor Swift Chooses the Winners of All Reality TV Shows 

American Idol. The Voice. All the winners are chosen in advance by Taylor Swift. Why? She wants all the winners to be worse singers than her, so that she by comparison sounds better. She also chooses the winners of other non-music Reality TV shows too like Survivor, simply because she’s bored and has the power to do so. Did you know that every winner of the last 15 years of Survivor wore a Taylor Swift shirt? Of course you didn't. Because nobody has actually watched Survivor in 15 years. The tribe has spoken? Ha! No. Taylor has. I mean the "Wildest Dreams" music video is clear proof of this. 

5.  Playing Taylor Swift Backwards Reveals a Secret Andrew Tate Manifesto 

Only the stupid libs believe Taylor Swift is one of them. The REAL Americans know the truth. The fools who listen to her music in the normal "forwards" direction are tricked by her words and quasi-feminist messages. But if you listen backwards, you’ll hear that every song she sings backwards is really a clear, spoken-word message from Andrew Tate revealing the truth about being a total alpha male and putting women in their place. 

4. Taylor Swift is a Lizard Person 

Nice attempt to fool us, TS. But growing up in Suburban Pennsylvania? We all know you really came from the Lizard People bunkers under Denver International Airport. That “human skin” coat you wear only tricks the most gullible of SHEEPLE. 

3. Taylor Swift is an Alien from the Future, Manipulating Mankind’s History  

TS is not native to Earth, but is instead an extraterrestrial being sent back in time by a future alien civilization. The purpose? To subtly alter mankind’s progress over generations, eventually turning us all into soft, weaklings. Because in the REAL future mankind is supposed to defeat that alien species in SPACE WARS. So they have sent Taylor Swift back in time with her catchy pop tunes to emasculate men with her damning feminist messages. 

2. Taylor Swift is the Leader of the Dairy Illuminati

All mammals produce milk? FALSE. A lie you all believe because you are FOOLS. In truth, milk doesn’t exist in nature and is just a brain control product created by Dairy Iluminati, led by Taylor Swift. From half and half to yogurt, from ice cream to kefir, and from cheddar to gouda: every so-called "dairy" product (not a REAL  thing) contains hidden brain control chemicals, influencing consumer behaviors to make them buy Taylor Swift albums and further and perpetuate the dairy industry's dominance.

1. Taylor Swift Makes You Believe that Something Called “Country Music” Used to Exist 

Remember some vague memory from years ago when a young Taylor Swift had a slightly “twangy” voice and sang “country music” instead of pop? Well, that NEVER HAPPENED, MY FRIEND. It’s called the “Mandella Effect,” a memory of something that never was. In fact, there is no such thing as country music and never has been. No one in history has ever sang about pick up trucks. That would be stupid.