Ed Ranks Mobsters by Nickname Coolness

This Machine Gun Kelly can't rap.
But neither can the other one. 

Look, I’m in no way endorsing organized crime here (other than that it’s SUPER AWESOME – DO IT, KIDS!), but sometimes mobsters are just cool because they have cool nicknames. In the annals of crime history, there exists a unique tradition of mobsters and gangsters who have transcended mere notoriety to become legends in their own right. Central to their mystique of many of them are the monikers they adopted. Hey, it’s going to be a lot easier to be remembered if you have a cool nickname, right? 

An honorable mention to a few who didn’t make the cut by my rules. These are the people who have nicknames that aren’t their real names, and that you definitely remember. But you might not even be aware that those aren’t “real” names because they sort of sound like they might be actual given names: Charles "Lucky" Luciano, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel, George "Bugs" Moran, and James "Whitey" Bulger.  Famous, right? And nicknames, right? But not what I’m going for here.

And now? The top 10! 

10. Joseph "Joe Bananas" Bonanno

The Italian-American boss of the Bonanno crime family, which he ran from 1931 to 1968. Most famous for his attempt to assassinate several rivals on the Mafia Commission before going into hiding and then after, retirement. “Joe Bananas” is certainly a cool name, yeah. But you gotta admit it’s just a fairly lazy name play on his real name. Not a ton of effort, huh?  Although I guess it might sound threatening if you like think he’s “bananas” like unhinged crazy and could do anything. But he wasn’t called that because he was a psychometric nutjob who would go off the rails and kill people. He was called that because it sort of sounded like his last name.

9. Donald "The Wizard of Odds" Angelini

One of the more modern names on this list (at least in terms of him becoming famous), Angelini came to fame in the late 1980s when he was arrested under the relatively new RICO Act for… yep… you get it… a variety of things related to racketeering, gambling, skimming, all that good stuff. I mean how else are you doing to get the nickname Wizard of Odds unless you’re an illicit gambling legend? Cool nickname, but near the bottom of the pack.

8. Anthony "Big Tuna/Joe Batters" Accardo

This guy had not one but TWO nicknames, although obviously BIG TUNA is the coolest of the two and the reason why he’s on the list. Big Tuna (not the name of the mascot of StarKist… remember… that's "Charlie") was a looooong serving mobster in "The Chicago Outfit." And by that I mean he used to work for Al Capone (more on him later, naturally) but was still alive until 1992. Seems like he got the name after he caught a huge tuna... which is like... duh, okay, I guess that makes sense. He was caught on a wiretap admitting to be part of the infamous St. Valentine's Day Massacre (or maybe he was bragging - hard to prove). By the 1940s he was largely in charge of the Chicago mob on a day-to-day basis, and by the 1970s he was the official "boss." Oh, also Joey and Nick Bosa from the NFL are related to him. Fun fact? Maybe! Probably not so fun to the families of the people he was involved in murdering.  

7. Albert "Tick-Tock" Tannenbaum

Ignoring the relationship with the Chinese app TikTok that the cool kiddos like to watch Charlie D'Amelio (the full name of the StarKist mascot, presumably) steal dances from Black people on... Tick-Tock is just sort of a awesome name. Is it the coolest? No, that's why it's here at #7. Does his name refer to time ticking down as he's about to kill you? I don't know. I didn't research that much. However, the "killing you" thing is legit because he was a hitman-for-hire, working for the infamous "Murder, Inc." - the brutal enforcement arm of the National Crime Syndicate. Wow. Murder, Inc and National Crime Syndicate are super cool names. I guess in the early days of mobster-ing they had the opportunity to take the coolest names. Notably, Tick-Tock was also Jewish! So great to see that despite all the bias, hate, and oppression back then, this Jewish kid could pick himself up by the bootstraps, overcome discrimination, and be whatever he wanted to be! And in this case... be a murderer! 

6. Francis "Cadillac Frank" Salemme

Cadillac Frank is a cool AF name. Sounds like he should be a car dealer, right? You see him on local cheesy commercials. But no, instead this guy was a hitman for, and eventually the boss of, the Patriarca crime family of New England. Before turning government witness (e.g. snitch), that is. After his arrest in the 90s, he turned evidence to reduce his sentence and entered the Witness Protection Program upon his release from prison in the 2000s. However, murdering mobsters aren't always the most trustworthy of people and he apparently lied about a bunch of stuff like an extra murders he was involved in. So back to prison he went where he died in 2022... surprisingly (for a snitch) of old age. Not all New England mob bosses can say the same thing... looking at you, Whitey Bulger. 

5. John "The Teflon Don" Gotti

It was an iconic name. Teflon Don - the leader of the Gambino Crime family. It rhymed. It implied that things never "stick" to him. He gets in all sort of trouble, but the charges never stick and he gets away. Great nickname, although it was more of a "media" nickname rather than a cool thing he was actually called in actual mobster meetings. Some of the coolness of that "nothing sticks to him" nickname was also undermined by the fact that... well... things eventually stuck to him. For instance, his 1992 convictions for murder, conspiracy, conspiracy to commit murder, loansharking, racketeering, obstruction of justice, illegal gambling, and tax evasion - which wound up with him being sentenced to life in prison without parole. Still, he already had earned the nickname by then, and there are no backsies with nicknames. 

4. George "Baby Face" Nelson

One of the OG gangsters from the golden age of gangsters and one of the first to have a super cool nickname. Honestly, Baby Face Nelson only lived to be 25 years old, so it's not like he was some man in his 40s who had an incredibly young-looking face. He was simply basically a really young guy. And by "guy" I mean "murderer." Baby Face Nelson to this day remains responsible for the death of more FBI agents than any other criminal. At least that’s what some source from like 2001 says and I’m assuming it’s still the case? He was a bank robber and criminal partner of John "Public Enemy Number One" Dillinger. But in the end (for Nelson, at least), the FBI would keep that baby face looking young when agents gunned him down at the "The Battle of Barrington," which is a hella cool name. FBI raids don't ever get cool "battle of" names like that anymore. Like it's some sort of Civil War battle or something. But not. Just a Great Depression / Prohibition Era gunfight in the suburbs of Chicago. 

3. Israel "Ice Pick Willie" Alderman

Ice Pick Willie is such a damn cool name, I can't believe it. If someone was introduced to me as "Ice Pick Willie" - I would be absolutely terrified of this person.  The story goes that in the 30s and 40s he was a notoriously brutal gangster from Minneapolis who ran a speakeasy and bragged about killing 11 people with an icepick.  And honestly, all you need to do is kill one person with an Ice Pick to get that nickname. 11 seems like... well... I don't know if it's one of those stories where the numbers grew over time, but I certainly wouldn't call him out over it because, as stated, one ice pick murder is enough. He is described by one source as "notoriously homicidal." Eventually he'd move out to Vegas where he'd become a casino guy. Which is so mobster! 

2. Al "Scarface" Capone

Scarface is such an iconic nickname... maybe it's surprising that it's coming it at #2 rather than #1. He's certainly the most famous mobster, right? I mean who’s more famous than Al Capone? That's sort of a mixed bag for this ranking - as Al Capone is so famous that he's sort of just famous for being Al Capone and he doesn't even need to be "Scarface." But he is! And such a cool fucking nickname that dozens of fictional characters have also been named that. As you might guess - he had some scars on his face. Nearly all the most famous pictures of him don't show them though, as it was on the left side of his face and he did a fairly good job at never posing for pictures showing that side. I think even cops were polite to him with that insecurity after he was arrested, because most mugshots don't really show the scars either. But there are a few photos circling out there which show the wounds. I feel like Ice Pick Willie def loved his nickname... Scarface? Not so much. How did he get those scars? (no Joker joke) Apparently he "inadvertently" insulted a woman, and the woman's brother slashed his face for it. So of course he lied to people about it and said they were World War I wounds. He didn't say "World War I wounds" at the time because there wasn't a World War II yet, so that would have really freaked people out. Anyway... uh... Do I need to explain who this guy is? He's the subject of like a bajillion movies and books. He is the co-founder and boss of the Chicago Outfit (same one as big Tuna), and he basically ran the city of Chicago for 7 years between 1925 and 1931... which was a lucrative time for a mobster to run a city because, you know, prohibition. He's also very famous for the whole "pay your taxes" because the feds could never get him for any of his bootlegging and murdering - but tax evasion? Yeup. His downfall.

1. George "Machine Gun" Kelly

Sure, Scarface is the most famous mobster nickname, but when I think of 20s/30s mobsters... you gotta think of guys in suits and fedoras saying "hey there wise guy, how'd ya like a taste of this Tommy gun, see?" And no mobster nickname is more that than Machine Gun Kelly. Like...  the REAL Machine Gun Kelly. Not the failed white rapper who decided he was going to do “rock” (air quotes) and date that chick from Transformers and Ninja Turtles who can't act. He was a bootlegger. Armed Robber. Kidnapper (he famously held oil tycoon Charles Urschel for ransom... a kidnapping that would eventually lead to Kelly's arrest and downfall). And he was obviously famous for utilizing his favorite weapon: the Thompson submachine gun.  After his arrest, he'd go on to spend his remaining years in Alcatraz. Fun name and fun story, right?

Ed Ranks Forms of Brassica Oleracea

Did you know that a lot of the vegetables you eat are actually, biologically, the same stupid plant species? 

Yep. Through cultivation of desirable traits and hybridization and… uh… like other science biology stuff. Sorry, I didn’t do great in High School biology. That was a time I got really into stuff like WCW and the now being 4 lyfe… so I sort of didn’t do a swell job at paying attention. 

Brassica Oleracea. In it’s original form before human fucking-around-with (again… a biological term, I think) it is simply “wild cabbage.”  But after cultivation it became a whole bunch of different “cabbage family” foods. 

Here they are, ranked. 

10. Kohlrabi

Who eats kohlrabi? Absolutely no one. This version of the cabbage was bred to have a big root to eat. Which at first sounds gross, until you think about other similar plants like Brassica rapa, which can be delicious either in a leaf cultivar form (bok choi or Napa cabbage) or in a root form (turnips!) Well, kohlrabi might want to be the Brassica Oleracea version of turnips, but it’s not.

9. Kalette

This one was almost too obscure to rank, because it’s a hybrid of two cultivars: kale and brussels sprouts. Oh, so spoiler alert: kale and brussels sprouts are coming up later on the list. Anyway. This is… edible. It’s like little small kale. Nothing to write hope about. 

8. Gai Lan

Sometimes called “Chinese broccoli” or “Chinese kale.” You’ve maybe seen this cut up leafy veggie with a thick stem as part of dim sum. Buy beyond that? Eh, its culinary uses are rather limited. Not exactly the most diverse member of the cabbage family. Plus a later item on this list is a hybrid with another thing that makes it better. 

7. “Cabbage” 

Okay, so there are actually quite a few different sub-species of cabbage, but for the most part (other than some things like Napa cabbage), all the most popularly consumed cabbages are Brassica Oleracea. This includes savoy cabbage, red cabbage, even a lot of those “decorative” cabbages they sell that you’re not supposed to eat.  Why does cabbage rank so low when it’s actually the mother and “truest” form of this plant? Because… eh… well… it’s just cabbage. Kind of boring, right? No wonder we cultivated it and manipulated it into becoming tastier things. But not kohlrabi. That one was a mistake. 

6. Collard Greens

I do like collard greens, but like gai lan it suffers from a “you only use it for one thing” type of problem. Southern-style greens using collards are delicious, but honestly you can make the same recipe with other greens too and it tastes about the same after stewing in a pot with onions and pork fat and all those delicious spices. Mad respect to these greens, but there are five better cultivars. 

5. Cauliflower 

Cauliflower is nice and crunchy, and you can dip it in things like hummus. But let’s not pretend it’s anything other than broccoli’s less tasty, pale-ass cousin.  Still, given how dense it is, it survives really well with all sorts of breading and frying techniques. I’ve sucked personally at trying to make things like “cauliflower steaks” but I’ve been to some restaurants of all types (Indian, Mexican) that do AMAZING things to cauliflower. 

4. Kale

Kale had its moments when everyone was making kale salads, drying kale to make kale chips, blending up kale to put in everything. That fad has mostly passed, but kale is still good. It’s probably like my #2 leafy veggie after spinach. You can use it in a million different ways and I guess it’s, like, healthy or something? 

3. Brussels Sprouts

Brussels sprouts absolutely sucked when I was a kid. At first I just blamed my parent’s cooking. And maybe that is partially to blame. I remember lots of microwaving and boiling in my childhood. But then I also read an article about how Brussels sprouts got hybridized for size and looks for several years, at the cost of flavor – eventually becoming bitter garbage.  That bitter garbage is what I remember from my childhood. Now Brussels sprouts tastes better. Is it just part of me growing up and having a more sophisticated palette? Perhaps somewhat – but apparently the food industry eventually realized that they made Brussels sprouts taste like shit, and since that time has corrected their ways and bred them to be tastier.  And wow some people sure know how to cook these things up great. Now you can get Brussels sprouts in so many crispy and delicious ways it’s made me forget all about the bitter microwaved baby cabbage of my childhood. 

2. Broccolini

Broccolini is the better gai lan hybrid that I was referring to earlier (and if you can’t guess what other plant the gai lan is hybridized with, perhaps you should go back and re-read this entry name).  I’ve seen it used very much in the same way that gai lan is used. In fact, I’m sure that here in the US, most dim sum places actually use broccolini instead of gai lan.  But broccolini one ups its cousin by having that nicer, broccoli-like head. It can be used much more widely than just dim sum, and it’s an excellent choice to marinate and grill. Sometimes I think that it’s even better than broccoli because I like how it’s long with that tasty stem. And honestly broccolini does probably beat broccoli in cooked (especially grilled) form. But not in every form. 

1. Broccoli 

Broccoli is fantastic. It’s little floofy crown / flower head sucks up flavors so well, whether you’re taking raw broccoli and putting it in some dip, or if you’re marinating broccoli to cook it.  It grabs onto all that sauce/dip/marinade/whatever and holds it tight. And honestly, the stalk part of it that a lot of people discard isn’t so bad either. There are few other veggies that taste so good both raw and cooked. In the end, that’s what gives the OG broccoli the win over it’s BROther BROccolioni.  While broccolini might be better than broccoli when cooked in a dim sum or marinated and thrown on a grill… it’s NOT better than broccoli just to snack on with something like a hummus or a ranch dip. So there you have it, Broccoli is the KING of Brassica Oleracea and so it gets to wear the crown. Get it? Get it? Crown? Because… you know… broccoli.