Ed Ranks 10 Terrible National Homophone Puns

These are all awful, and I'm not proud of typing any of them out. But here we go anyway.

(Honorable Mention) - The Emo kid in Doha who slit his wrists for attention was a Qatar Cutter.

[This one only sort of counts, because nobody agrees how to pronounce "Qatar." I've known people stationed in the country who swear it's pronounced "cutter," and that everyone saying "kah-tar" is a moron. And I've known other people who say that the people who pronounce it "cutter" are stupid military redneck hillbillies. Whatever.]

Recep Tayyip Erdoğan

10. Celebrate Thanksgiving in Istanbul with a Turkey in Turkey.

9. The speed-walking man in Moscow was a Rushin' Russian.

8. My friend from Santiago's con carne is the best Chile Chili.

7. That guy from Prague paid off his debt with a Czech Check.

6. When Stalin launched the Winter War he wanted to Finish the Finnish.

5. On its 20th Anniversary, the Class of 99' at Saint-Denis High School had its Reunion in Réunion.

4. Did you hear about the vote in Warsaw? It was a Pole Poll.

3. The neckwear I bought in Bangkok was a Thai Tie.

2. A man from Oranjestad with a a corned beef and swiss sandwich is an Arbuban with A Reuben.

1. If Ben Grimm from Fantastic Four had been from Baghdad, he would be A Rocky Iraqi.

Ed Ranks Hieroglyphs

 There are thousands of Hieroglyphs. I can't rank them all. Here are the top 50, ranked. Oh, and I have given them new names, by the way.


50. 𓀑 - Terrible Axe-ident

49.   𓁔 - The Milk Truck

48.   𓁣 - Ant-Eating Jimmy

47. 𓈖 - mmmmmmmm

46.   𓁂 - Machine Gun Kid

45.   𓄣 - A Perfectly Fine Pot

44. 𓌛 - Slice Master

43. 𓍩 - Pubes

42. 𓅽 - Man Bird

41. 𓀦 - Hobo Jones

40. 𓀄 - Creeper Boi

39. 𓍝 - Ah, Justice!

38. 𓁛 - Ball Head

37. 𓈝 - Leggy Plank

36. 𓎓 - Snake Hurdles

35. 𓀁 - Hungry Eat Man

34. 𓏢 - Guinness

33. 𓀗 - Gramps

32. 𓀎 - Legalos

31. 𓁟 - Storko

30. 𓃳 - Weird Goat Train

29. 𓁷 - Lord Goatee

28. 𓀤 - White People Dance

27. 𓁠 - RAM-ses
26. 𓁢 - Woof Woof Good Boi

25. 𓅅 - Birdo Bath

24. 𓀷 - Pharaoh Cat O' Nine Tails

23. 𓃸 - Da Poop Tosser

22. 𓀋 - Ol' Basket Head
21. 𓀌 - Big Spoon

20. 𓃟 - Bacon

19. 𓀠 - Raise the Roof

18. 𓅬 - Cap'n Quacks

17. 𓂿 - The Leg Ouch

16. 𓀪 - Jump Rope

15. 𓀧 - Amish Butter

14. 𓀿 - The Big Sleep

13. 𓃬 - Growly Meow King

12. 𓃣 - Bout to Fight the Red Baron

11. 𓁉 - Oliver Twist

10. 𓅔 - Double Bubo 

9. 𓆚 - Hisser McBitey

8. 𓀏 - Kinky Bondage Dude

7. 𓆋 - My Doggo is a Crocco

6. 𓁅 - Juggle Master

5. 𓆣 - That Dung Lover

4. 𓀬 - Lord of Giraffes

3. 𓃕 - Your Moo God

2. 𓋹 - Loopy Cross

1. 𓂀 - Good Ol' Blinky

Ed Ranks NES Games Released by Ultra

It's not Konami! It's... eh... okay, it is Konami.

Were you aware that the producers of video games, much like the mafia, liked to set up front companies? I'll tell you why! Back in the day, Nintendo of America had a sort of stupid rule, that prevented any particular company from releasing more than five video games on its Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) console. Therefore, the video game company Konami set up its own little front company called "Ultra," in order to release additional games in the North American market. Therefore, some video games were released in Japan as "Konami" games, while being released as "Ultra" games in the US, and "Palcom" games in the European market (yet another Konami front company).

These are those Ultra video games, ranked.

17. RollerGames - This is a forgettable game based on forgettable roller derby TV show. The TV show lasted for one season. Do you remember the show? Probably not. Do you remember the game? Probably not.

Good luck entering the Konami code backwards.

16. Gyruss - This is a 1983 arcade game, and basically a Galaga copycat. Six years later, it was converted to the NES by Ultra. A six-year old Galaga copycat adaption does not make a great game.

15. Q*bert - Look, you've heard of Q*bert and the game is pretty famous, so you might be unsure why this is ranked this low. Well, it's for much of the same reason that Gyruss above is ranked pretty low. I have no problem with the original Q*bert arcade game, which was released in 1982 and was completely fine for its time. You play a circular dude with a weird tube mouth that goes around swearing and jumping up a pyramid (that was as close to 3D technology that early1980s games could get). Yet this adaption was totally unnecessary for the NES when it was released in 1989. Video games had moved on from the old 1982 technology and gameplay in the SEVEN years between original release and NES adaption.

14. Kings of the Beach - A beach volleyball game, with nothing particularly exciting about it.

13. Defender of the Crown - Another re-release of a previously existing game, this time of a game that originally came out on the Commodore Amiga (a PC, not a video game system) in 1986. Some games are better on PCs than on video game systems.  This is one of them.

12. Silent Service - Yet again, a 1989 adaption of an earlier 1985 game. This one was developed by the legendary Sid Meier (of Civilization fame), and features you serving in the US Submarine Command during World War II. Not originally a Japanese Konami game, but instead developed by Rare. Obviously. It would be weird if this game about hunting villainous Japanese forces during WWII was a Japanese game. It wasn't.

Still better than Ski and Die.

11. Ski or Die - Skate or Die is a great game. You've probably heard of it. We'll talk about it later! This is the "Winter Sports" spinoff of that game. It's meh.

10. Snake's Revenge - This is an interesting bit of video game history. After the smash success of Metal Gear, Ultra rushed to produce this sequel, without the involvement of series creator Hideo Kojima. They should have been more patient, as Kojima went on to develop a separate sequel called Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake. That one was released in Japan only, and is seen as vastly superior. This is a weird one where the villain from the first one, Big Boss (not yet established in continuity as Solid Snake's daddy, Naked Snake, until much later), comes back as cyborg. This game is a curiosity, but is totally discounted in the (already convoluted) continuity of the Metal Gear series.

9. Pirates! - This was a fantastic computer game for the PC, and might have been one of the greatests of its time. As with Silent Service, another Sid Meier adaption, this one featuring open-world gameplay where you live the life of privateer. Its just fine on the Nintendo, but like others above better on original computer format. Nintendo was also noted for family friendly censorship, and key aspects about the pirate life like having some "Tobacco" were replaced by boring stuff like "Crops."

8. Star Trek: 25th Anniversary - Great on this game for getting such iconic licensing, and it's at least an enjoyable-ish game. You're part of the crew of the original Star Trek show (Kirk and all), and you're going to Sigma Iotia II. Until you get caught in time space thingamajig that sends you to parts unknown. They you have to do a bunch of jumps between worlds, searching for dilithium crystals to get back.

7. Nightshade - You've probably totally forgotten about this game, and/or never heard about it in the first place. You play a superhero named "Nightshade," who fights crime in Metro city. The game is full of bad jokes (which it admits are bad jokes) and pop culture references.  It has point-and-click game elements, and also a "popularity meter" that effects the game. It definitely tried to be different and innovative, but never caught on. I'll give it an "B" for effort, and for being somewhat original though.

There were zero other games in the "Cyber Stadium Series"

6. Base Wars - This game may not be all that amazing, but I have fond memories of it, so I'll rank it this high. It's a baseball game set in the future, with human players being replaced by robots because WHY NOT? Something about whiny humans asking for salaries or something. Robots don't need no money. This game had everything a 10-year-old boy (that would be me in 1991, when this came out) - would be interested in. Baseball. Robots. What's not to love? A spiritual precursor to the awesomeness that would be Mutant League Football two years later, and a good way to create a sports video game that stands out despite a lack of official licensing from a sports league. 

5. Mission: Impossible - Based on the 1988 reboot of/sequel to Mission: Impossible (rather than the original and more famous version, or the movie reboot series that would come later in the 90's), you can play as the 1988 show's Max, Grant and Nicholas characters. You can flip in the game between the different characters, which was important and necessary because each had different skills. Sort of like Maniac Mansion, right? That's a good gimmick for a game, and good on them for getting licensing for the TV show. 

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - What game is "the original TMNT" game can be confusing/ For purposes of the Nintendo Entertainment System, this is the first one. An enjoyable game that EVERYONE had to have when it came out in 1989 because in 1989 the Ninja Turtles were bigger than Jesus and the Beatles combined. It featured overall top-scrolling at a city-level, followed up by action/gameplay that is side-scrolling. The problem with this one? Super hard gameplay. I, like almost everyone else, had a near to impossible time to get past Level 2, where you have to jump into the water and swim around to disarm a bunch of bombs (on a ludicrously short time limit) that are protected by killer seaweed and bolts of electricity. I probably played this game a million times and disarmed all the bombs like four times.

3. Skate or Die! - One of the original 1988 titles for Ultra, you compete in five different skateboarding events. A super memorable game, and as with Base Wars I'm sure my memories of loving this game are actually making it a better game than it was. And points for a cool, memorable name. Who the hell is going to remember RollerGames or Gyruss decades later? Nobody. But Skate or Die? Now that's a memorable name. I assume most people choose to skate.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game - This was called "Part II" on the NES, but in many ways it is the actual original Ninja Turtles game, having been released in the Arcade in 1989. Hence the whole "The Arcade Game" in the title. Why didn't this get released as the original TMNT game on the NES? Probably because there was some difficulty in adapting the 4-person arcade game to the 2-person NES. I dunno. I'm not doing a crapload of research here. That just sounds right. This game is in almost every way superior to the first TMNT game, and had great side-scrolling fighting action.

Definitely "not" Kyle Reese.

1. Metal Gear - Ah, the greatest Konami game of all time was technically an Ultra game in North America. The original Hideo Kojima game, which I absolutely adored on the NES, but would go on to become an even bigger franchise after Metal Gear: Solid hit the Playstation years later, and expanded the franchise and its continuity to deeper levels. You play Solid Snake, an operative the special forces group FOXHOUND, infiltrating a mercenary-controlled state called "Outer Heaven" (yeah, none of these words make any sense, and the plot of the game manuals released in America often contradicted the plot in the actual game) to investigate and stop the creation of Metal Gear, a bipedal Mecha tank WMD, capable of launching nuclear missiles. As you play you learn that your own boss, "Big Boss" is actually the mastermind behind Metal Gear and Outer Heaven. So that's fun! The developers initially wanted another shoot em up type of game, but due to technical limitations, actually settled on turning it into a game of espionage and all-powerful stealth instead. Which made it legendary. There is no doubt this game would be #1, despite featuring some serious translation flaws.

Ed Ranks the Sacraments of the Catholic Church

I'm not even Catholic, so I'm just winging this one.

This is not a picture of a medieval nail salon.

7. Anointing of the Sick

This is a sacrament that sucks, because if you're about to get it, it means that you are about to die. When someone is gravely ill, a priest will anoint them with oil (typically blessed olive oil, and it doesn't even have to be Extra Virgin) in order to give comfort, peace, and courage. If the sick person is so sick that he or she has been unable to make a confession (see Penance) to their latest sins, the act of anointing of the sick will also provide the sick person with forgiveness of their sins. The reasoning behind the anointing of the sick occurs in three of the four gospels (all but John), and also appears in the Epistle of James. This sacrament is often given along with (and confused with) "Last Rites," although last rites are a different set of prayers and activities.

6. Holy Orders

Holy Orders is the sacrament by which a man (yep, it has to be a man, sorry) is made a bishop, priest, or deacon, and is dedicated for service to the church. Therefore, this doesn't apply to everyone. You will not receive this sacrament unless you're planning on becoming a church official yourself. Once someone who does take the Holy Orders does so, they are allowed to perform all of the other sacraments listed here. This makes it sort of a meta-sacrament that applies to the other sacraments. It's also considered one of the two "sacraments of service." This one will get ranked pretty low because, you know, it doesn't even apply to most people.

5. Confirmation

Just getting baptized (see below) doesn't get you all up and in the good graces of God for Catholics, oh no. In addition to getting baptized, you're also going to need to get confirmed in order to "confirm and strengthen baptismal grace." Confirmation is like baptism, but involves the holy official placing consecrated oil (Chrism, myrrh, etc.) upon the recipient's forehead while saying the correct words and drawing the sign of the cross. Fun! Right? The age at which this has done has been all over the place throughout the history of the Church. It happens after baptism for sure, but beyond that over the years it's been all over the place, the rules changing through various synods and councils. The general rule these days is that it occurs after reaching an age of "reason," "discretion," or "maturity." Oh, you also have to be in good holy standing to receive it, meaning that you've confessed any sins you committed. Given the wide difference in ages that confirmations have been given over time, it has sometimes been flip-flopped with the Eucharist.

This baby looks a bit large.

4. Baptism

One of the three (and probably the most famous of the) sacraments of initiation. Baptism involves conferred pouring water (three times) on the recipient's (typically a baby, but not always) head. When doing this, the holy official says, "I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." The practice dates back to the Gospel of John, in which Jesus says, "Unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter into the Kingdom of God." So yeah, you're gonna need this divine water spritz to get into heaven.

3. Matrimony

This one should be pretty obvious, right? This is the sacrament where a priest or other holy official weds two people (man and woman in the Catholic faith), and thus a permanent and exclusive bond, sealed by God. The sacrament confers on the couple the grace they need for attaining holiness in their married lifem and for the responsible upbringing of their children. Obviously, we all know that in most countries these days, government officials can marry people without any specific religious involvement. However to be a Catholic marriage, there are a number of rules such as both must be baptized, a Catholic church official must be involved, there need to be two witnesses, etc.). That's about all I'll write about this one, since I assume even if you're not Catholic that you know what the hell marriage is.

The body of Christ.

2. Eucharist

So you've already been baptized and (maybe) confirmed? You're not done! Much like Tic-Tac-Toe, the Catholic sacraments of initiation require three in a row. This is the one that historically completed your initiation into the faith, and is also called the "Blessed Sacrament." This is the one where you eat bread (or lets be honest... crackers) and wine, and they - though the process of transubstantiation - turn into the body and blood of Christ. Which means as part of your Catholic rites, you have to eat your Lord and savior. How this works in more detail is explained in John 6:47-67. Catholics can, and should, do this through life, unlike single-time baptisms and confirmations. The first time you receive the Eucharist (typically between ages 7 and 13) is called the "First Communion." With the changing age at which children receive their confirmation, the confirmation can and has confusingly slipped to become the third, rather than second, of the initiation sacraments. This one ranks up here for the sole reason that crackers are tasty.

1. Penance

The first of the two sacraments of healing, penance (e.g. reconciliation) is the sacrament of "spiritual healing" resulting from a holy official (e.g. priest) absolving you of sins committed. The concept is that it has to be done to an already baptized person, and that baptized person has (naturally) committed sins, which distance himself from the grace of God. By confessing to those sins to a priest, you can be absolved. More accurately: it's a four step process: 1. Contrition (sincere remorse for the sin); 2. Confession (to a priest); 3. Absolution of the sin (by the priest, who is the only one with the power to do so); and 4. Satisfaction of Penance (through acts such as prayer, charity). These says the acts of penance are more like "say the rosary" or "give three hail Marys" rather than the old-school penances like "beat yourself with a whip until you bleed super hard, sinner!" This one has to rank pretty high, because the "getting absolved of your sins" thing is super important, isn't it?

Ed Ranks Division I College Bowl Games by Stupidity

These bowl names are not GREEEEAAAAT!

Happy 2020! I'm pretty sure that there are dozens of rankings of the College Football Bowl games out there. Some of them will likely try to rank ALL of them, which is dumb because there are way too many. Others might do the Top 10. This is also pretty useless, because I'm sure that most people will Rank the Rose Bowl as #1, right?

So, instead of that, in this bowl season, I will rank the 10 stupidest Division I bowl games. What exactly makes these stupid? Eh, it's sort of a mixed bag, but factors include:

• No legacy or history - Some of these bowl games were created like 4 years ago. Who cares? 
• Shitty teams always play in them - linked to the above, of course. If mediocre teams play in the bowl, then it's a stupid bowl. 
• Who the hell is that sponsor? - Has some Podunk company that you've never heard of gathered enough coins together to sponsor some mediocre bowl with no history and terrible teams? This is a stupid bowl. Alternatively, the sponsor's name could just be dumb as hell on its own, which links to our final (and arguably most important factor)...
• Dumb Name - This could be a dumb name on its own, or a dumb name when combined with the corporate sponsor referenced above. When it's a combination of the two, chances are that the bowl game's name is ludicrously long, tedious, or simply represents a company whose name makes no sense when teamed up with the bowl. 

Note that this ranking only counts the 10 stupidest bowl names still in existence today.  There are all sorts of stupid bowl games in the past, especially based on stupidly-named companies. Alas, the Duck Commander Independence Bowl, BattleFrog Fiesta Bowl, and the Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl are all lost to history. As they should be.

10. Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl - The Sun Bowl is the oldest and most important bowl on this list. It dates all the way back to 1935, and I'm sure is present on a number of "Top 10" bowl lists. It has legacy, it has history, and it has decent teams playing in it. The sponsor is even notable - everyone has heard of the Kellogg's company, as well as their Frosted Flakes Cereal. Yet this isn't the Kellogg's Bowl, nor is it the Frosted Flakes Bowl. This is the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl. So the stupidity of this name is the only reason I'm placing this year, despite the other factors that hypothetically make this a non-stupid bowl game.

9. NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl - I have no idea what the hell NOVA Home Loans is. Google searches for it pretty much only hit with the bowl game itself. From what I can guess, it's simply a local Arizona Home Loan company. Why would a small, local company pay out big bucks for a Division I football game that (hypothetically) gets national coverage? Seems like this is money thrown down the drain. Also, this name is way too long.

8. FBC Mortgage Cure Bowl - The Cure Bowl is presumably named after some grand fight to find the cure to cancer, a very noble cause. Placing a corporate sponsor on the fight to cure cancer is pretty damn tacky in general. A corporate sponsor being some shit mortgage company is even worse. At least if the company had some connection to the medical industry, that would be something. I suppose.

Ha! A potato marginally resembles a football!

7. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl - Yeah, the Potato Bowl. Paid for by the Idaho Potato industry. Fun. Ironically, this used to be named the "Humanitarian Bowl" in the same notion of doing good as the "Cure Bowl," until college football decided that advertising potatoes made more money. Potatoes don't need ads. Potatoes sell themselves. Idaho has nothing to worry about. Where else are you going to buy your potatoes?

6. San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl - Boy, this is a damn mouthful again, isn't it? Like the NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl, it takes about 13 minutes to finish saying the name of this bowl, and also advertises a local company that is unlikely to have any footprint outside of a small geographic area.

5. Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl - This is a pretty dumb name and it begs the question, "what the hell is Makers Wanted?" My initial assumption is that it's some sort of high-end bourbon brand from Makers, like a top-shelf or special reserve version. But then again, bourbon isn't closely associated with the Bahamas, is it? So what is Makers Wanted? I still have no damned clue. The corporate naming is apparently paid for by "Elk Grove Village," a suburban industrial park outside of Chicago, which advertises itself as the largest industrial park in North America. What does "Makers Wanted" mean then? I still don't know, even after looking at their website. This has to win the ultimate prize for WTF obscurity and confusing-ness. I'm spending a lot of time ranking this, and I still don't know exactly what they're trying to sell through this corporate sponsorship. 

4. Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl - This is a very stupid name. I don't really have any deeper analysis than that.

3. Franklin American Mortgage Company Music City Bowl - HOLY CRAP. I was joking about previous bowl names being long, but this is ludicrous. This isn't a bowl name. This is a bowl sentence. It's verging on a bowl paragraph. And when I think of music, I think of mortgage companies.

2. Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl - What the fuck?

I am confused by this "bad" dog / pirate / lawn-mowing criminal

1. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl - Gasparilla Bowl on its own is a worthless, shit name. It is an island in Florida named after a mythical pirate. Odd. Adding in the local sponsor of people who mow your lawn but also claim to be "bad boys" just takes the cake. How are these mowers bad boys? This is like in the late 90's and early 00's when everything was called "Xtreme!" Soda was Xtreme. Potato chips were Xtreme. Pier1 wicker ottomans were Xtreme. The US Treasury Department-issued bonds were Xtreme 2 tha MaxXx. If I was told the people who mowed my lawn were "bad boys," I would assume they were either career criminals who were casing my house, or that they were the "mischievous" members of boy bands who wore leather jackets and broke teenage girls' hearts. Either way, those assholes needs to stay away form my lawn.

Ed Ranks the Deaths of Sean Bean

Here to die and eat popcorn + all out of popcorn.

Sean Bean dies frequently in film and television. Contrary to popular belief, he hasn't died more than anyone else. But he's died quite a bit.

Let's talk about that, shall we? Here are Sean Bean's 25 (or 26, depending on how you count) film or TV deaths, ranked.

26. Wicked Blood (2014) - Bean is Frank Stinson, the leader of a powerful criminal organization. How powerful is he? Well, not powerful enough to not BE BLOWN UP. He's actually shot first, and then dies in an explosion. RIP. But nobody has seen this nothing film. So does Sean Bean really die if nobody has seen it?

25. Death Race 2 (2010) - Bean is Markus Kane, a mob boss. He gets shot in the chest. I don't really want to talk that much more about a direct-to-DVD sequel to a shitty Jason Statham film. RIP.

24. Age of Heroes (2011) - Bean is Jack Jones, a major in an elite black operations commando team in WWII. So he's basically the opposite now of when he was a Nazi in WWII earlier in his career. He and his unit are surrounded by Germans, and he helps his men to escape while he stays behind and dies off-screen, most likely shot by Nazis. RIP. This is only an implied death, so it gets ranked pretty low. Not as low as Death Race 2, I mean.

23. Red Riding: The Year of Our Lord 1974 (2008) - Bean is John Dawson, an unscrupulous real estate agent who might also be a serial killer. At least Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield, actually) suspects that he is a serial killer, and shoots him in his private club. RIP. Get used to Sean Bean being shot. This is going to happen a lot. If he doesn't get shot in any particular or fantastic way, it will just be ranked really low.

22. Airborne (1998) - Bean plays Dave Toombs. This is a Steve Guttenberg action flick. From the 80's when Guttenberg was popular and might arguably have been named as the lead for an action flick? No. Well into the 90's. Almost the 2000's. Dave Toombs is arm arms dealer. In the role of Tombs, he gets shot in the chest and dies in an airplane hangar. RIP.

21. Essex Boys (2000) - Bean plays Jason Locke, an English drug kingpin in this flick that is (only loosely) based on the 1995 Rettendon murders. Sean Bean gets shot in the head while waiting to make a drug deal in his range rover. RIP.

20. Outlaw (2007) - Bean plays Danny Bryant, a veteran of many wars who returns home to a corrupt and crime-filled London. He decides he's going to do something about it and forms a vigilante group. Of course, cops aren't a big fan of vigilantes, and thus he's shot multiple times in a standoff in the woods against police. RIP.

19. Ca$h (2010) - Bean is twin brothers Pyke and Reese Kubic. One of the brothers is running from the cops and throws cash out the window. Chris Hemsworth finds the cash and starts spending it, until the other Sean Bean brother tracks him down and forces him to become a criminal to pay him back for the spent cash. Eventually, Bean (in the form of Pyke) is shot in the head. RIP. But then again, Bean is also playing Reese, who DOESN'T die, and who might get revenge in a sequel that is thankfully never made, because this film was bad. That's interesting enough to be ranked slightly higher, right? No. Whatever. He gets shot again.

18. The Hitcher (2007) - Bean plays the title character, the Hitcher. Who is the Hitcher? A serial killer! Oh, yikes. Well, his serial killing doesn't last forever, as one woman who he is trying to kill (Sophia Bush) instead blasts him multiple times with as shotgun, the last blast being right to his head. RIP. Yes, he's boring-ly getting shot once again, but at least it's done with a little visual flare this time.

17. Henry VIII (2003) - Bean plays Robert Aske, a lawyer who became a leader of rebellion in Yorkshire. What with him being rebellion leader, he is captured and hanged in chains, dying slowly.  RIP.  This should be more impressive and higher ranked, but it's not because the scene is pretty short and only implies his death after showing him hanging for a few seconds.

16. Lorna Doone (1990) - Bean plays Carver Doone. Doone is supposed to marry his cousin, Lorna (this is the 1600's, so nobody even questions this). But Lorna is not into that and would much rather marry Clive Owen instead. A jealous Sean Bean shoots Lorna on her wedding day, but she survives and Sean Bean is arrested and punished by being drowned in a mire. RIP. Should have taken swimming lessons, Sean.

15. Clarissa (1991) - Bean plays Robert Lovelace. He's a "bad boy" who loves/lusts after the title character, Clarissa. But he's a really bad boy, and plans on raping her for, like, revenge against her family or something terrible like that. Before that horrible thing can happen though, he's stabbed by a rapier in a duel. RIP. The other thing Sean needs to worry about other than guns is swords.

14. Equilibrium (2002) - Bean plays Cleric Partridge in a dystopian society where emotions are pretty much banned. Sean Bean is unsurprisingly one of the people who police this society. That is, until he himself begins to have feelings and falls in love. But his partner is Christian Bale, who realizes that Bean is having feelings and then shots him in the head, with the bullet going through a book first. RIP. Yep, we're back to guns again! This is, by far, the most interesting and artistically filmed version of Sean Bean being shot with a gun. No more guns as we move on. So now that we got that out of the way...

13. Scarlett (1994) - Bean plays Lord Fenton in this forgettable sequel to Gone with the Wind. Did you forget that they made a sequel to this? I did too! Anyway, he rapes Scarlett O'Hara (yikes), and also a woman named Mary (double yikes). Sounds like a bad guy. So Mary stabs him to death in his sleep. Scarlett goes on trial for the murder. I'm not sure I'm supposed to feel sympathy for her though. Fuck that cracker-ass racist Southern plantation bitch. I was cheering for General Sherman to burn all of that bitch's shit down in.

12. Far North (2007) - Bean plays Loki, a film that, like War Requiem, features very little dialogue, but this time it's in the arctic rather than WWII. He's caught in a love triangle with two women, one of which who kills the other and wears her face. A distraught Sean Bean commits suicide by walking out naked into the cold tundra to die. RIP. You gotta respect this dude's method of death. On another ranking, it could be #1. Oh wait, it is.

11. The Island (2005) - Bean plays Dr. Bernard Merrick. You might have seen this one where Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson are clones for their rich counterparts who might need thier organs. Bean/Merrick is, as you could guess by Bean's usual roles, the evil doctor in charge of this cloning. Ewan McGregor shoots him in the neck with a grappling hook as a building collapses, with the grappling hook catching on twisted metal and hanging him. RIP. I can see what they were going for. This is a big, Michael Bay action movie with an attempts for a grand, epic finale where they kill the bad guy. Unfortunately, it's just gibberish computer effects that makes me go "meh."

10. War Requiem (1989) - Bean plays an unnamed German soldier, in this World War II film with no dialogue. Sean Bean initially gets shot in the hand, but what really does him in the end is being bayoneted by an enemy solider. RIP. I don't know what I enjoy so much about seeing someone get bayoneted, but it's enough to crack the Top 10 for me.

9. Don't Say a Word (2001) - Bean plays Patrick Koster in a psychological thriller starring Michael Douglas and Brittany Murphy. Bean returns to his fairly standard role as a gang/criminal leader, this time specifically a jewel thief. Michael Douglas is able to get Sean Bean into a big ol' hole in the ground near an excavation machine and turns it on, and he is buried alive under tons of dirt. RIP. I guess being buried to death is just practical. Think of how much you save on funeral costs.

8. The Frankenstein Chronicles (2016) - Bean is Inspector John Marlott, a Thames River Police officer. He is executed by hanging, although he's later resurrected. So he was not really allowed to RIP. Does this one count? I'll go with yes! The hanging is cool, but since he's resurrected after, I can only rank it so high.

7. The Field (1990) - Bean plays Tadgh McCabe, an Irish farmer who is trying to protect the land that his father (Richard Harris) has rented and maintained (but not owned) for many years, and who gets involved with all sorts of weird stuff like killing donkeys and being an accessory to his dad killing Tom Berenger. The dad goes crazy and runs all his cattle off a cliff to their deaths. Sean Bean tries to stop the cattle from running off, but is himself trampled and pushed off a cliff by cattle. RIP. This one is just funny. As I was researching this, I sure wasn't expected "death by cow" to be one of Sean Bean's deaths, but here we are. I guess the statistics are right. Cows are murderers.

6. Caravaggio (1986) -  Bean plays Ranuccio, a street fighter who gets involved in a love triangle with famed painted Caravaggio (Nigel Terry) and a woman named Lena (Tilda Swinton). Perhaps it's even a love quartet, if you count Robbie Coltrane's character who Lena plans to become a mistress to. Ranuccio kills Lena, and in revenge Carravaggio cuts Sean Bean's throat. RIP. Sean Bean's first ever movie death. The first of many. This isn't ranked this high just because it was Bean's first death. Getting his throat slashed is just a neato way for him to die. Although the truth about how this killing really happened is... ah... well... yeah... it wasn't his throat that he slashed. Let's just end with that.

5. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (2001) - Bean plays Boromir. You've probably heard of this film, huh? Boromir is tempted by the ring and attempts to take it from Frodo. Despite this, he dies at least in some form of a heroic fashion. He fights the Uruk-hai to defend Pippin and Merry, and is felled by arrows to his chest, with Aragorn watching him slowly die. RIP. Getting shot with a bunch of arrows and slowly dying is great! I mean not for real. I don't want it to happen for me. I mean for a movie death. You know what I mean.

4. Patriot Games (1992) - Bean plays Sean Miller. OH YEAH! A MOVIE YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN! He's the main villain and an IRA leader fighting against Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford). You do NOT fuck with Harrison Ford, obviously, because after he gets into a fight with Harrison Ford on a speed boat, Jack Ryan impales him against the speed boat's anchor, and then the speed boat crashes and blows up. RIP. You got impalement. You got explosions. You got Harrison Ford. What's not to like?

3. GoldenEye (1995) - Bean plays Alec Trevelyan, AKA MI6 Agent "006." He sort of dies twice in this movie, although the first death is faked. After seemingly being killed by a Russian Colonel at the beginning of the film, it's later revealed that he lived and turned evil! Now he's the villain for the entire film! Fortunately at the end of the film, James Bond throws him of a giant antenna tower, sending him falling to his death and ker-splatting against the ground. RIP.

Ow?

2. Black Death (2010) - Bean is Ulrich, a solider in black plague-era England who is investigating why nobody in a town is dying. He suspects perhaps some necromancer could be raising the dead, which would be totally gross. He catches the plague himself, which he could have died from slowly and painfully. However, he doesn't have to suffer through that, and instead, he is drawn and quartered by horses. YIKES! And also RIP. This is just fucking gruesome, man.

1. Game of Thrones (2011) - Bean is Eddard (Ned) Stark, Lord of Winterfell and more recently the Hand of the King. He is beheaded by Sir Ilyn Payne, by order of the new King Joffrey. You probably have heard about this one. RIP. This death is all about it's surprise value. No, it wouldn't have been a surprise if you read the books (but books are for nerds!), but to most people this was a total shock and not the way to told a story (killed the main protagonist of the story before the first season was even over).

Ed Ranks the Top 10 Christmas Films

If this guy was never born, Potterville would have been SWEET.

Ed Ranks Everything usually tries to avoid doing lists of things that you can quickly Google and find 1000 other people who have done the same list. Which is why, even though I do Christmas lists every year, I avoid doing something as basic as ranking best Christmas movies in general.

But after a quick look at best Christmas movie lists, I decided that they were all terrible. Here are just a few reasons why they are terrible:

• A Christmas Story is awful. It is unwatchable garbage and I hope that kid does shoot his eye out. This is the Nickelback of Christmas movies. So is anything with Tim Allen in a fat suit.
• Thrillist has a list that whines and complains about Die Hard not being a Christmas movie, and so it doesn't rank it, but then it includes equally barely-Christmas movies like Eddie Murphy's Trading Places, which is a great film (no doubt), but I feel far less Christmas-ey than Die Hard.
• I have never actually seen Elf and likely never will, because every Will Ferrell movie is exactly the same because he only plays the one same character over and over - that character being Will Ferrell. 
• Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is not on this list, but you can tell yourself it's #11 if that makes you feel better.

10. It's a Wonderful Life

I'm putting this on here more out of a sense of duty that I sort of HAVE to, don't I? I mean my list would be illegitimate if I didn't include this. Is it a little bit hacky? No, in fact. It's a LOT BIT hackey. I'm sorry, fans of classic films who look back romantically at the supposed "Golden Age of Hollywood," but nobody in films back then could act well. Most black and white films have acting that is barely a step up from community theater. This is no different. However, I won't doubt this film's continuing cultural legacy. It's referenced by later works all of the time, not that it in itself was 100% original (come on, you can't tell me there isn't a little bit of A Christmas Carol in there, with a spirit guiding George through his life and making him change his mind about how he looks at it... just in time for Christmas). Anyway - you probably know the story, so I'll only give to an abbreviated version. This is the tale of a filthy and suicidal Marxist named George who ruins Mr. Potter's great Randian vision to achieve maximum capitalism by building, through free enterprise, all of the pawnshops, strip clubs, and whisky bars that the people of Bedford Falls really wanted all along. What? Do you interpret the film in a different way?

9. Jingle All the Way

Good, but it's no Shazaam.

No, I can promise you that I am not "trolling" you with this one. I legitimately think this is a great Christmas film, and I am ranking it above It's a Wonderful Life. You're just going to have to deal with that. If these two films were on TV at the same time and I had to pick one, I would pick Jingle All the Way almost every time. Are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad fabulous actors? No, they most certainly are not. But there is an endearingly stupid and kitsch quality to this film that films my heart with joy. There's actually a message in here too about the fight between the true meaning of Christmas and the commercialization of the holiday into something where everyone has to get their kid the "it" toy of the season. In the end, Anakin Skywalker chooses to give up his Turbo Man toy to a man who tried to murder him because that's what Santa would want. Or Jesus. Whatever. I forget what the actual true meaning of Christmas is. Also, nobody likes Booster.

8. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

I've talked about this stop motion classic previously. What more do you need me to say? Go read this Rankin/Bass ranking instead. No. Wait. Not instead. I meant also. 

The worst parenting until Casey Anthony

7. Home Alone

Did you hear that they were trying to remake this? That is stupid. Some things you can't remake. Home Alone. Back to the Future. The Princess Bride. To even try to do so is a fool's errand. Home Alone was magic in a bottle that cannot be recreated. And how would you even re-create this film for the 2020 era? Everybody has cell phones and texting and stuff these days. It would take exactly 12 minutes for Kevin's parents to get a text that he was missing, or to send some police to check up on the house, etc. I dunno. The point is that Kevin's parents are TERRIBLE PARENTS and they left their child behind without even noticing. That happening once is a terrible, unfortunate thing. Like those freak accidents where parent forgets their baby is in the back seat of the car and they go to work all day. But, considering we also have Home Alone 2, Kevin's parents did this to him TWICE. After a second time, you just gotta assume these parents want Kevin to die alone.

6. Scrooged

This is Dicken's famous A Christmas Carol, but with Bill Murray being Bill Murray. If that concept doesn't sound awesome enough to you, then I'm not sure what else I can to to sell you on this movie. There have been near to a million adaptions of this classic tale in film, including another one that makes this list below. Scrooged is one of the better ones. This one is set in the 80's with Scrooge as a douchey television executive who is not named Ebenezer Scrooge. Why? Because the story A Christmas Carol actually exists within the fictional universe of Scrooged, and in a totally meta-move, Bill Murray is making his television station put on a live production of that very story when the same ghosts from the story visit him. To reference my recent Shakespeare rankings, that would be like making a movie based on he plot of Halmet, only the plot of the movie would be about a group of actors performing Halmet, only the actors have similar situations from the play happening to them in real life (like the lead actor being visited by the ghost of his dead dad). Then you'd get to the point of the story in Halmet where they have to act out The Murder of Gonzago, which will now no longer be a simple play-within-a-play, but instead a play-within-a-play-within-a-play. Oh hell.

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Chevy Chase is not funny and never will be, however this movie is funny enough thanks to everyone else carrying him. There, I said it. Also, I just want to point out that this movie features the quintessential version of the Griswald children. Those two damn kids kept changing in every movie - but John Galecki and Juliette Lewis are the BEST Russ and Audrey. With all due apologies to Anthony Michael Hall, Dana Barron, Dana Hill (RIP), and whatever forgettable actor was Rusty in European Vacation. Also, wasn't the girl who played Audrey in Vegas Vacation a Latina or something? How on earth did they explain that?

Dickens was always meant to be Gonzo.

4. The Muppet Christmas Carol 

As discussed with Scrooged above, this is another version of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. You should know the story. Ebenezer Scrooge his a jerk businessman who doesn't care for starving children, his overworked employees, and likes to say shit like, "Bah, Humbug!" Then three ghosts visit him to show him his past, the present, and the future. All of this is an elaborate trick for him to become a better person and learn the true spirit of Christmas. Or something. It's a fine story, and the only way to make it better is to replace Ebenezer Scrooge with Michael Caine and every other character with the damn Muppets. This is the greatest adaption of the story, ever. And it didn't even need to involve child rape. Yeah, I'm talking about you, Steven Knight.

3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

I am referring to the original, animated version from 1966 here, obviously. There is no Jim Carey in sight for this discussion. Can it count as a "Film" if it's really a 25-minute TV special? I'm just going to go ahead and say, "Yes." A film can be short. A film doesn't have to be released in theaters. Let's set one thing straight, the Grinch was better at the beginning of this than he was at the end. Fuck those Whos in Whoville. You shouldn't have given any of that shit back.

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas 

The second greatest Christmas film of all time is, honestly, a Halloween film. Why? Because Halloween is simply a better holiday. It is. It's just that all of you have forgotten the true meaning of Halloween, when the son of our great pumpkin lord sacrificed himself so that we may live without sin. Or with various types of chocolates from the Mars company. Something along those lines. I already told you in #9 I don't know what the true meaning of Christmas is. Pay attention. ANYWAY, you should know this movie by now. Jack Skellington. Sandy Claws. Oogie Boogie. That weird duck-ghost-doctor in the wheelchair. But the real star of the movie is the copious amount of acid that Tim Burton dropped to come up with this thing.

1. Die Hard

This is a Christmas film. 100%. Its setting is a Christmas party in an office. The word "Christmas" is mentioned 18 times in the script. RUN-DMC's Christmas in Hollis plays in the car. The film features Winter Wonderland and a character whistles Jingle Bells. The scenes with Holly's housekeeper and the kids at home prominently feature a house decorated for Christmas. John McClain kills a terrorist, puts a Santa hat on him, and writes a message on him that says "Now I have a Machine Gun, Ho Ho Ho." To hide a concealed gun at the end of the movie, John McClain tapes it to his back with Christmas wrapping tape. That's not just a jokey reference with no importance to the plot. That Christmas-tape gun is literally the thing that John McClain uses to shoot Hans Gruber, which sends the film's villain falling out of the window to his awesome death. The movie ends, and the credits play Let it Snow. Beethoven's Ode to Joy isn't technically a Christmas song, but the stirring playing of it when the bad guys break open the vault gives off a very Christmas movie-type of vibe with a stirring orchestra playing classic music. You could even liken their celebration upon a successful heist to happy children getting their Christmas presents. Like with nearly every Christmas film, there is a type of redemption arc, with John McClain having to go through a lot in order to win back his estranged wife, Holly. Christmas was so essential to the plot of this film, that when they did the first sequel to it, the filmmakers decided that it too had to be set at Christmas time, or else it wouldn't be a true sequel to Die Hard. But the final clincher? The American Film Institute runs a theater near to my home. Do you know what movie they are running for special Christmas showings in their theater 30+ years after it came out? Yeah, that would be this one.