Ed Ranks Classical Music Composers, Part II

Photo from an actual historic event with Beethoven. Not a film.

Whattup? I'm still ranking the greatest 20 Classical Music Composers of all time, with this second and final part being the top 10... the best of the best!

And yeah, I realize that the whole pace of posting updates every 4 days has fallen out of whack, and it's been much longer than that. Oh well.

A few things to note and/or remind you about, carrying over from Part I, in case you've forgotten:

• I know, like, nothing about classical music.
• I don't particularly like or enjoy classical music.
• No, George Gershwin isn't ranked, as the guy who composed Porgy and Bess can't possibly count as a "Classical" musician. Deal with it.
• Based on the two factors above, I did a modest amount of research. But not a ton. Whatever. 
• How am I ranking these people? By a number of factors, including how many major / memorable works they have (e.g. their "catalogue"), their continued or enduring fame (despite how they might have been regarded at the time), notable historical and/or cultural legacies, and so on. I'm not writing them all here. This isn't an IRS audit. Leave me alone.
• Based on the above, I assigned a crap load of composers multiple rankings based on those factors, and then averaged those rankings to create a "final" ranking. Those final rankings will  appear as an "Average Ranking" that has a number. So, for example, both #9 and #10 (Chopin and Tchaikovsky), on average, ranked at 9.7.
• Full disclosure: I usually avoid looking at other people's rankings if I'm making my own, but this time I did to get some general ideas. In the end, other peoples' rankings did work into the math that I used to rank, though the most important factor I looked at was how often other people included certain composers on their lists. So while one ranking I saw said that György Ligeti was one of the greatest composers of all time, zero other rankings I found listed that dude so high, so I could sort of throw him out and focus my efforts on researching and ranking those who most agreed to be included among the ranks of the greatest.

Oh, and also, originally I was only going to do the top 10. But I spent so much time doing math and crunching numbers on people I eventually eliminated from the top 10 that I decided I might as well do 20. 

So who is the best of the best according to me, my arbitrary feelings about something I know very little about, and a bit of math that I mixed in? Here you go:

9. / 10. Frédéric Chopin & Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (TIE)

Gangsta pose

Frédéric Chopin

• Nationality: Polish
• Lifetime: 1 March 1810 – 17 October 1849
• Notable Works: "Funeral March" of Piano Sonata No. 2 (1840); Fantaisie-Impromptu (1834, published posthumously in 1855); Nocturnes in E-flat major, Op. 9, No. 2 (1832)
• Average Ranking: 9.7
• Discussion: Part of me thought that I should do an arbitrary tie-breaker to break any ties here, but then again, I'm basing this all on math, and math said that Chopin and Tchaikovsky were tied. Let's start with Chopin. A famed solo piano writer, he was a child prodigy who left his homeland of Poland early to find greatness and fame in France (and to date George Sand, who is a woman, by the way, in case you are confused by that). You've obviously heard of Chopin and know he's one of the greats. Why? Well, now that you're in the Top 10, you're hanging out with the big boys with those famous jams you all know and love. The Funeral March, of course, is super-mega-famous. It's a memorable song, but nobody ever wants it played for them. You know. Because they're dead. If you want something a little more energetic and less depressing, you can instead listen to the famous Fantaisie-Impromptu (though it's only less depressing if you ignore that it was released after he died fairly young at 39). Or maybe take the sleepy/dreamy sounding Nocturne in E Flat Major (Op. 9 No. 2), which, yeah... I'm yawning listening to it. Chopin is a good enough composer to want to name an okay airport and an excellent vodka after. When you think of the great "Romantic" composers, you gotta put Chopin up there, while thinking about how much more he could have done if he lived longer.

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Seems like he'd be fun at parties

• Nationality: Russian
• Lifetime: 7 May 1840 – 6 November 1893
• Notable Works: The Nutcracker (1892); Swan Lake (especially Swan Lake Suite Op. 20, 1876); The Sleeping Beauty (1889).
• Average Ranking: 9.7
• Discussion: Even if you don't know the name and know little about classical music, you know (or know of) Tchaikovsky's work simply by me saying the words "Nutcracker" and "Swan Lake." The most famous Russian composer of all time, Tchaikovsky is the king of classical ballet music. Other might have famous liturgical and choral music. Others might have famous operas. But Tchaikovsky is Mr. Ballet, for sure. He did symphonies and he did operas too, so he had a prolific catalog of work that fans of classical music love. But if you're looking for things that have lasting, memorable pop culture significance to this day, then you are probably gonna go for something like his Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. 40% of all revenue from ballet in America comes from annual Christmas productions of The Nutcracker alone. As with many people on this list, though he's obviously famous now, at the time many people were like "just who is this lame dude?" Russians thought he was too western European, and western Europeans thought he was too Russian, leaving him stuck in the middle. He also didn't follow the "rules" set up by the "Viennese Masters," leading to more criticism. Guess he had the last laugh because this dude pretty much owns Christmas now.

8. Igor Stravinsky

Not John Waters. I promise.

• Nationality: Russian
• Lifetime: 17 June 1882 – 6 April 1971
• Notable Works: The Firebird (1910), Petrushka (1911); The Rite of Spring (1913); The Rake's Progress (1947)
• Average Ranking: 9.6
• Discussion: My numbers crunching gave Stravinsky a 0.1 point lead over Tchaikovsky and Chopin, so for all purposes he's essentially tied with those two as well. I said that Tchaikovsky was the "most famous" Russian composer of all time, and he is, but Stravinsky narrowly edges him here. Why? Well, Stravinsky is widely considered one of the most important conductors of the 20th century (this dude was alive the same year Dirty Harry came out!) because he had such stylistic diversity and continued to adapt and change his music over different "phases." While many classical musicians did the same through their career, Stravinsky is credited with being a "musical revolutionary who pushed the boundaries of musical design" and who "transformed the way in which subsequent composers thought about rhythmic structure." Pretty bold statements copy/pasted from Wikipedia there! As with his Russian colleague, he is most famous for three ballets (mentioned above) made early in his career between 1910 and 1913. The last of those three, The Rite of Spring, was controversial at the time (nearly causing a riot for its depiction of pagan sacrifice of virgins and shit) and a source of many of the quotes about how he was such a transformative figure. It wouldn't be the last time he was controversial... hell, he eventually moved to America and was arrested in Boston for daring to re-harmonize the National Anthem. Also in America, he's have his most successful opera, The Rake's Progress, before bouncing back and forth between the US and the USSR and even writing an elegy for JFK after his assassination. In the end, Stravinsky's 0.1 point advantage over Tchaikovsky comes from the fact that he was beginning of something new (the Modern period) rather than the end of something old (the Romantic period). His 1971 death means that he's the most recently living person who makes my ranking, and also the only one who lived long enough to see animated dinosaurs fight to his own music.

7. Joseph Haydn

Or maybe George Washington?

• Nationality: Austrian
• Lifetime:31 March 1732 – 31 May 1809
• Notable Works: String Quartets (esp. Op. 64 "The Lark," 1790); The Creation (1798); The Seasons (1801); Symphony No. 94 (1792); Symphony No. 103 ("Drumroll", 1795)
• Average Ranking: 9.3
• Discussion: Hayden has been given a lot of titles, including "Father of the Symphony" and "Father of the String Quartet." That is a lot to live up to. Does he live up to those titles? I don't know. Whatever. Let's just keep going and get this ranking over with. Hayden is known for being instrumental (ha, pun?) in the development of  music such as the piano trio, concerto, and piano sonata. He rolled with the big time crew in Austria, being a friend and mentor of Mozart, and a tutor of Beethoven. He was one of the most important figures in the development of classical style the 18th century (as you'd think someone would be if they were called the Father of the Symphony). The list of "notable works" above is just a small sampling of the eleventy million iconic works of his. Unlike other starving artists on this list who gained fame after death, Haydn became a big deal in his lifetime and was the equivalent of a rockstar. Nowadays if you talk about famous Viennese composers (sometimes called "The Vienna Four"), Haydn might rank at the bottom of the four (as he does on my ranking). However, during his lifetime he was a BFD.

 6. Johannes Brahms

Unlike his lullaby, this picture will not lull you to sleep

• Nationality: German
• Lifetime: 7 May 1833 – 3 April 1897
• Notable Works: Hungarian Dance No. 5 (1879); Symphony No. 1 (1876); A German Requiem (1866);  Wiegenlied (AKA "Brahms' Lullaby"; "Cradle Song", Op. 49, No. 4, 1868).
• Average Ranking: 8
• Discussion: Brahms is the reason why I had to say Schumann was "often" considered the greatest of the Romantic Era German composers (way back at #17). Before the "Three B's" were Bears, Beets and Battlestar Gallatica, they were Bach, Beethoven and Brahms. Though not Hungarian himself, he did collaborate with Hungarian violinist Ede Reményi, which led to his Hungarian Dance No. 5, a work so iconic that it's basically the Hungarian National anthem (note: it's not). Go ahead and click the link for that one. You'll certainly be like, "Oh yeah. I've heard that before! Quintessential gypsy music!" Going back to the Three B's, Brahms was seen as the spiritual successor to Beethoven, so much so that his own Symphony No. 1 was sometimes called Beethoven's Symphony No. 10. To many, that's meant as a giant complement. To others, it's sort of meant to indicate that he was a bit of a copycat who freely stole from Beethoven's style. He was the OG sampler before hip hop came along, I suppose. But the most famous and well known work of his is simply usually called Brahms' Lullaby, and is instantly recognizable to anyone who has a child or who was once a child themselves (e.g. EVERY ONE). Yes. You know that one. Everyone knows that lullaby. If the Brahms estate got paid for every time someone sung this to a baby, he would be a super duper trillionaire. And don't you think it's a little crazy that the same guy who wrote the most famous lullaby sung to babies is also the same guy who wrote that crazy gypsy dance tune? Because I do. That is range, my people.

5. Franz Schubert

5th greatest composer... or dorky accountant?

• Nationality: Austrian
• Lifetime: 31 January 1797 – 19 November 1828
• Notable Works: The "Trout Quintet" (1819, released posthumously 1829); Symphony No.8  (aka the "Unfinished Symphony," 1822); "Ave Maria" (aka "Ellens dritter Gesang", Op. 52, No. 6, 1825) 
• Average Ranking: 7.6
• Discussion: Top 5 time! Will this be controversial? I don't know. According to my math, no. At least not #5 and #4, which I'm sure people who know stuff about classical music will go (yeah, I suppose that's right). The Top 3, on the other hand, might lead to violent unrest, the likes unseen since Stravinsky made a bunch of Parisians watch a pagan Russian sacrifice dance ballet. I briefly mentioned the "Vienna Four" before, and Schubert is one of them (along with Haydn, Mozart, and Beethoven.  Despite his short lifetime (he died at 31), Schubert left behind a vast catalog of work, including more than 600 secular vocal works, seven complete symphonies, sacred music, operas, incidental music, and a massive body of piano and chamber music. So there. Schubert. Another guy I know very little about and am unqualified to rank. But here we are. Why am I still writing this? Oh yeah, like our boy Stravinsky, Shubert's Ave Maria also gets a Fantasia appearce. Though, unlike the Stravs, Schubert was long dead. So yeah. Fantasia referenced twice now. Fun. I promise not to mention it again even though a number of the other pieces of music references throughout this ranking are also in it.

4. Richard Wagner

This man has seen some bar fights

• Nationality: German
• Lifetime: 22 May 1813 – 13 February 1883
• Notable Works: The Ring Cycle (Der Ring des Nibelungen, 1867), most notably "Ride of the Valkyries",  the beginning of act 3 of Die Walküre, the second of the four operas in the Ring Cycle) ; Tristan und Isolde (1865)
• Average Ranking: 5.9167
• Discussion: Wagner is sometimes included with the other "Romantic" composers (especially) the German ones, although he defied that label by revolutionizing his works through a concept known as "Gesamtkunstwerk" ("total work of art"), by which, according to the undeniably and always accurate Wikipedia, "he sought to synthesize the poetic, visual, musical and dramatic arts, with music subsidiary to drama." Dude was a workhorse, and unlike most opera composers, Wagner wrote both the libretto and the music for each of his stage works. He's most famous for his operas, and his four most famous operas are lumped together as "The Ring Cycle," which are all pretty famous, although the aforementioned Ride of the Valkyries is the one that is much more famous than all others. Another reason he's often not included as a traditional "Romatic" composer is that his Tristan und Isolde is often described as marking the beginning of the "Modern" era of music. I know "Modern" and "Classical" seem like antonyms, but you're just going to have to accept that this oxymoron like you accept "Jump Shrimp." Wagner pulls ahead of the others to finish just outside of the top 3. Up to now. There should be not much debate. The top three, however, are going to be a sticky and contentious one. 

 

THE BIG THREE: Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart. How do I rank them?

Okay, time to get down to brass tacks. These three guys are the most famous, and you should absolutely expect these three names to be the top three names. In alphabetical order, they are Johann Sebastian Bach, Ludwig van Beethoven, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Each has a dozen reasons why they should be ranked #1. But, as with the Highlander, there can be only one. As with all the others, I ranked various factors about their catalogs of work and legacy and tried to create some sort of average ranking of where they fell all things combined. In the end, the spread between the person who ranked at #1 and #3 was a mere HALF OF ONE POINT. So it really, really could have gone any way. What way was it though? Whelp...

3. Johann Sebastian Bach

A portrait creaming to become a meme.

• Nationality: German
• Lifetime: 31 March 1685 – 28 July 1750
• Notable Works: Brandenburg Concertos (1721), especially Concerto No. 3 in G major, BWV 1048 ("Allegro");  Orchestral Suite No. 3 in D-Major ("Air," 1730-ish); The Concerto for Two Violins in D minor, BWV 1043 "Vivaci" (written between 1717 and 1723); Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, BWV 565 (unknown date).
• Average Ranking: 2.334
• Discussion: So, Bach is #1 on almost every list I looked at. Remember when I referenced those rankings where composers ranked the greatest composers of all time? Almost universally, Bach came in at #1 on all of them (though, oddly, I could also find one Top 10 that didn't even include Bach in it at all... let's call that data noise to be ignored though). I am sure that, to fellow composers, Bach is the best. There are a lot of reasons why he should come it at #1. The first and foremost should be that there absolutely would be no Beethoven or Mozart without Bach. Since he came before them, he was an inspiration for the compositions to come. Bach is basically the daddy of the German style, and is credited for his mastery of counterpoint, harmonic organization, and adaptation of rhythms, forms, and textures from places like Italy and France. Bach's compositions include hundreds of cantatas, Latin church music, Passions, oratorios, motets, adapted Lutheran hymns, concertos, suites, orchestras, and other chamber music. He wrote extensively for the organ (which he is most famous for), but also wrote a number of things for other keyboard instruments (e.g. harpsichord) and violin. If you click any of the links I linked to above, you will recognize the works. Hell, Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, BWV 565 is basically like "default vampire/horror/villain music" these days. His massive amount of work goes well beyond what I'm talking about here, and could easily get him the #1 spot (as most composers day he deserves). In is lifetime, he was as renowned as other contemporaries (such as one hit wonder Handel), but his reputation soon faded after. However, he definitely and directly inspired and was venerated by others on this list, including Haydn (who owned manuscript copies of Bach's Well-Tempered Clavier, 1722), Mozart (who owned a copy of one of Bach's motets), and Beethoven (who played the entire Well-Tempered Clavier by the age of 11 and described Bach as "the progenitor of harmony"). So why isn't BAch #1 instead of the two guys who rode his nutsack? Well, because I say the two nutsack riders would eventually go on to be even more famous and notable. See now. This is the type of scholarly analysis you can't get by following any ranking made by notable composers themselves. 

2. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

As seen on those chocolates

• Nationality: Austrian
• Lifetime: 27 January 1756 – 5 December 1791
• Notable Works: Requiem in D Minor, K. 626 (1791), especially III. Sequentia f. "Lacrymosa"; Piano Concerto No. 21 in C major, K. 46 (1785), esp. movement 2 "Andante"; Eine kleine Nachtmusik (Serenade No. 13 for strings in G major), K. 525, (1787), esp. movement 1 "Allegro"; The Magic Flute (1791); and many, many, many more. See more of them in the "Discussion" section below.
• Average Ranking: 2.307
• Discussion: One reason why Mozart could have been #1 instead of #2 was that my wife kept telling me again and again that he should be #1. Well, sorry ma coquette, but the math said that he was #2 (but only by 0.473 of a point). The difference between #2 and #1 was likely him, you know, dying at age 35 before he had a chance to have a long career. Imagine how much he could have written if he didn't die young! Well, before he died, he accomplished a lot. Let's start at the end, with his Requiem in D Minor that I mentioned as the most preeminent of his notable works. It was actually unfinished at the time of his death, and Franz Xaver Süssmayr had to finish it off from scraps of Mozart's notes. The Lacrimosa Dies Illa part is all Mozart though, for sure! From that time of his death we work backwards and get all sorts of other memorable classics that remain well-known to this day. They're all up there in that section. Go listen to them. Allegro is so famous that I remember it being used in cartoons all the time, and even ads for cartoons (to me, the lyrics to it still go "LOO-Ney TUNES! You'll find them all on Nick!"). Speaking of Allegros, there is also the Symphony No. 40 in G minor, K. 550: I. Allegro Molto (c. 1788), which is not quite as famous, but is still up there. We could also talk about Piano Sonata No. 11 in A major, K. 331: III. Rondo Alla Turca (1784), sometimes called the "Turkish March" and famous on its own. And how could I leave examples of Mozart without talking about about his The Magic Flute opera, especially its famous Overture (The Magic Flute was basically his final fully completed operatic work, debuting just months before his death). This man had more what in hindsight would be called "number one hits" than the Beatles, and was also presumably bigger than Jesus. Mozart was a child prodigy and gained fame, but it was in his later years (if early 30's can be called "later") in Vienna when he had most of his biggest works and best-known symphonies, concertos, and operas, and most of his unfinished Requiem. In his short life he composed more than 600 works, many of where are "acknowledged as pinnacles of symphonic, concertante, chamber, operatic, and choral music." He is considered by almost everyone to be among the greatest classical composers of all time, and was only getting better towards what would be his unfortunately premature end (his cause of death is still unknown, with many theories).

1. Ludwig van Beethoven

That hair! Dude should do Pantene Pro V ads.

• Nationality: German
• Lifetime: Baptised 17 December 1770 – 26 March 1827
• Notable Works: Für Elise (composed 1810, pub 1867); Moonlight Sonata (aka  Piano Sonata No. 14 in C♯ minor "Quasi una fantasia", 1801); Symphony No. 5 in C, Op. 67, esp. its famed  "Fate Motif" (1808); Symphony No. 9 in D minor, Op. 125 "Choral", especially Movement IV ("Ode to Joy") (1824); Egmont Overture, Op 84. (1810), or the similar Coriolan Overture, Op 64 (1807), and so on.
• Average Ranking: 1.8333
• Discussion: Someone had to be #1, and I came up with Beethoven. Some reasons why? His music is likely the most famous and commonly performed classical still played today. He's like the Shakespeare of music. His music represented a transfer from the "Classical" period to the "Romantic" period, meaning he was a harbinger of change and something new. Unlike the shorter-lived Mozart, his longer lifespan and time composing meant that he put together a ton of work which can now be cateogorized in "Early" (pre-1802), "Middle" or "Heroic" (1802 to 1812), and "Late" (1812 to his death) periods. The latter period in which he was still composing work while increasingly (and famously) suffering from deafness. Each of the periods have thier own, unique characteristics. So let's talk about some of the most famous works. First off, the instantly recognizable Für Elise (For Elise), arguably Beethoven's most renowned and loved work, was never published in his lifetime, and was only discovered 40 years after his death. Nobody knows who the hell Elise was either, or why it inspired Beethoven to drop such a hot piano jam. She's basically the Mona Lisa of Classical Music, with many theories as to who the "real" Elise was that inspired the man. Moonlight Sonata, meanwhile, was popular in Beethoven's day, and is known to be dedicated to his his pupil, Countess Giulietta Guicciardi, with whom he was enchanted and fell in love with (and one of the candidates thought to be the subject of Beethoven's famous "Immortal Beloved" letter, which I previously talked about when Ranking Gary Oldman roles, though the conclusion of the identity of the Beloved from that movie is supported by absolutely no one). The link to the Moonlight Sonata section above in the "Notable Works" section went to the whole thing, however you might want to skip ahead to Movement 3, which is like a super recognizable musical piece within an already super recognizable musical piece. Like Inception. While I'm still talking about movies instead of Beethoven. Beethoven's Fifth, and its Fate Motif (the famous DUN-DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!) can't go without mentioning here. So there. I just did mention it.  And speaking of things I have to mention, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony absolutely needs a name drop, and I'm just going to have my link drop directly to 12:52 into this YouTube video to make sure you hear the Classical Music money shot that is so important it's what the bank robbers hear when they break into the vault in Die Hard. Oh. I think I'm talking about movies again instead of Beethoven. At any rate, his catalog of 722 work written over forty-five years (his earliest he wrote when he was 12) gives him a mathematical edge over Mozart (who I honestly thought was going to rank #1) and Bach (who the composers still say is the best, but what do they know?)

There you go, folks. It's Beethoven. Now enjoy him playing music in a mall.

Ed Ranks Classical Music Composers, Part I

Look! Music stuff.

Classical Music. Something I know almost nothing about. I have seen Amadeus, and I am aware about Beethoven because he was in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

This would not be the first (or last) time that I've ranked something I know nothing about though. So why not do it again?

This is another one of those things where I pulled out an Excel document to help me rank these bad boys (yes, they are always men... so sexist!). I tried to read up a bit on each one, and rank via numerous factors including their actual catalogue (some famous names are just one-hit wonders, while others have a huge number of what would have been Top 40 hits, presumably... if such a thing existed back then), as well as enuring fame and historic and/or cultural legacy (some may be technically superior composers and beloved in their time, but are less remembered these days for various reasons).

I usually try to avoid looking at other people's rankings when I do my own, so that nothing unduly biases me. But I did take a gander at a multitude of other people's rankings (there are a lot of them) to help me weigh some things and use a little more pure math. In fact, I was able to find 12 different (somewhat trustworthy) rankings out there. They were a mix of things, including top 5s, top 10s, top 20s, top 50s, and so on. More important than where the composers stood in those individual 12 rankings was how many times people were ranked. There was only one single composer on all 12 lists who was ranked every single time That was Beethoven! Yeah... crazy, right? There were some people out there who didn't include either Bach or Mozart in their top 5 (both featured in 11 out of the 12).

In the end, I crunched the numbers and assigned an average ranking for each composer. I've decided to go with the Top 20 for my own ranking, so I don't cover a million different people. I'll include the mathematical "ranking" each composer wound up at as part of it, and you'll quickly see that people in my top 20 actually have rankings higher than 20.

• For example, my 20, Claudio Monteverdi, only mathematically ranks (based on my number crunching) as averaging a placement of 22.0. How can he be 20 if, on average, he's only in 22nd place? Hard-ish to explain. Some factors (like his somewhat low enduring fame, the fact that much of his work is lost, and the number of times he didn't make the cut on other peoples' lists) placed him fairly low, and not even worth making the cut of 20. Yet other factors (e.g. his importance of being a pioneer in opera, his key role in being a transitional figure between the Renaissance and Baroque periods) make him important and rank him higher up their. In the end of crunching all the composers, and eliminating a few weird outliers, even though Monteverdi averaged 22.0, there were only 19 other composers who averaged higher... meaning he places at 20, rather than 22. Does that make sense, sort of? If not, you're just going to have to accept that when doing math, results are sometimes intransitive.

So here we go. Part 1: #20 through #11. I suppose the above explanation already made you familiar with...

Mustache Rides: 2 Florins

20. Claudio Monteverdi

• Nationality: Italian
• Lifetime: 15 May 1567 – 29 November 1643
• Notable Works: Vespers for the Blessed Virgin (1610); L'Orfeo (1607).
• Average Ranking: 22.0
• Discussion: Known both for madrigals (typically unaccompanied secular vocal music compositions of the Renaissance and early Baroque that were eventually replaced by arias) and very early operas, Monteverdi was an early pioneer of the Classical music period. Perhaps the earliest on this list. As my explanation of the rankings earlier alluded to, much of his works are missing... and that's something that we can attribute to just how early he is. In fact, so much of his work is gone that there is an entire Wikipedia page just for his work that's been lost. It can be hard to rank someone who is missing a lot of his work, but it just seems fair that he makes the cut based on his important role as an early figure. Hell, when looking around, one dude even ranked him at #1 (which is crazy, but okay, the guy knows more about what he's talking about than me).

His punk rock phase?

19. Béla Bartók

• Nationality: Hungarian
• Lifetime: 25 March 1881 – 26 September 1945
• Notable Works: Bluebeard’s Castle (1918), Concerto for Orchestra (1944); Music for Strings, Percussion and Celesta (1936)
• Average Ranking: 21.0
• Discussion: From basically the earliest dude on my list to one of the latest, the jump from Monteverdi to Bartók covers 300 years. Bartók is definitely one of those "I had never heard of him" guys before I started doing this ranking. Well, I guess now I have heard about him, and he makes the cut above other folks who I had heard of (Gershwin, Mendelssohn, Sibelius), but who didn't make the top 20 cut. While Franz Liszt is the more famous and notable Hungarian composer, Bartók will be remembered as the one whose compositions are a little more "folk."

Doing some Harry Potter spells or some shit.

18. Richard Strauss

• Nationality: German
• Lifetime: 11 June 1864 – 8 September 1949
• Notable Works: Don Juan (1888); Salome (1905); Also (Thus) Spoke Zarathustra (1896)
• Average Ranking: 20.29
• Discussion: If you think you know nothing about classical music at all, you're wrong! Just think about the opening (fanfare / flourish) of Also Spoke Zarathustra, titled "Sunrise." Even if you haven't seen 2001: A Space Odyssey, you have undoubtedly heard this before, and have thus you know Strauss (Richard Strauss, at least... because fuck both Johann Strauss... both I and II, and that Blue Danube shit). A successor to Wagner as "the" German composer, he was a pioneer of epic orchestral work combined with harmonization. The dude was a child prodigy (like others on this list), writing work at age 6, and continuing on to live and write work until well after his bitch-ass fellow countryman Hitler was dead. Of course, being alive at the time of the rise of Nazis meant that he's been accused of collaboration (or at the least acquiescence by being "apolitical") with the Nazis. That will sort of tarnish a legacy, won't it?

17.

The original Emo Spider-Man

Robert Schumann

• Nationality: German
• Lifetime: 8 June 1810 – 29 July 1856
• Notable Works: Carnival (1834–1835); Piano Concerto (1845); Dichterliebe (1840)
• Average Ranking: 17.38
• Discussion: From one German R.S. to another German R.S., Robert Schumann's Piano Concerto remains one of the most widely performed and recorded piano concertos from the "Romantic" Era. He's therefore often considered the greatest of all the Romantic Era composers. Unless you count Brahms. Or Chopin. Or... you know what... we'll get to them later. Hey, and speaking of Romantic, he was taught by pianist Friedrich Wieck and then started dating his teacher's daughter without permission (eventually marrying her). While this list is a total sausage fest, if any woman did deserve to make the cut, it would me Mrs. Schumann (Clara). As with a number of other supposed geniuses, Schumann also had some severe melancholic depressive episodes and suffered health-wise, spending the time he wasn't writing crazy passionate music in mental asylums before dying at 46.

16.

Look like he about to settle Pennsylvania.

Antonio Vivaldi

• Nationality: Italian
• Lifetime: 4 March 1678 – 28 July 1741
• Notable Works: The Four Seasons (1723); Gloria (1715); L’Olimpiade (1734)
• Average Ranking: 17.29
• Discussion: Jumping back in time to another early composer, Vivaldi takes us back to the Baroque period as a successor to Monteverdi. While I put The Four Seasons up there as one notable work, it's indeed a set of four violin concertos, and are almost certainly the world’s most popular and recognized works Baroque music. Just listen to Spring, and you'll be like "Oh yeah, I know this." He also found time to be a Catholic priest among all of his time violinin' too. Though pretty popular in his time, he died in poverty after moving to Vienna and was instantly forgotten. Throughout the Classical and Romantic Eras, his work (even The Four Seasons) were largely unknown, and he didn't have his comeback until the early 20th Century when a lot of his "lost" works were found. Good comeback, dude. Though I guess you were too dead to appreciate it. Still. 

15.

Not sure if him, or Guy Pearce playing him in biopic

Gustav Mahler

• Nationality: Austro-Bohemian (or "Czech," arguably)
• Lifetime: 7 July 1860 – 18 May 1911
• Notable Works: Symphony No. 9 (1909); Symphony No 2 (1894 rev. 1903); Symphony No 3 (1896)
• Average Ranking: 13.44
• Discussion: Speaking of people forgotten after their death, only for their reputation to come back later, Gustav Mahler is another such character. He's also one of those "I've never heard of him" people before I wrote this, as, again, I know nothing about Classical music at all. Of course, being Jewish also played a role in the immediate disavowal of him in his homeland, as it soon fell under the influence of Nazis (who not surprisingly banned his work during that time). After 1945, much of his work was rediscovered, enough so that by 2016, a BBC Music Magazine survey of  151 of the modern era's top conductors ranked three of his symphonies in the top ten symphonies of all time. Which three? Well, the ones I put as examples in "Notable works," of course. That's pretty impressive, no? 30% of the top 10 symphonies of all time are his. Good work, my Czech kinsman (yes, I'm Czech).

Just saw an eagle do some cool shit.

14. Franz Liszt

• Nationality: Hungarian
• Lifetime:22 October 1811 – 31 July 1886
• Notable Works: Transcendental Études, Nos 1-12 (1837 rev. 1852); Hungarian Rhapsodies (especially Hungarian Rhapsody No 2, of 1847). 
• Average Ranking: 13.42
• Discussion: Unlike some of the others who I had obviously heard of, and others who were certainly on the "I've never heard of" list, Liszt was one of those "oh yeah, that name sort of sounds familiar" people that I had to research a bit more. Good for him, as that research led me to call him the 14th greatest classical music composer of all time. As if my opinion matters. Which it does. Since I am the authoritative figure on ranking all things, with my literal dozens of views for each ranking I post (*cries to self*). Where was I? Ah yes. Liszt. I briefly mentioned this dude before when talking about Bartók. His resume included, among other things, being the most famed and respected Hungarian composer, as well as a virtuoso pianist, conductor, music teacher, arranger, and organist of the Romantic era. A contemporary of others like Chopin, Wagner, and Schumann, this guy is the anti-Monteverdi in terms of work left behind. He has a HUGE amount of work, being a prolific generator of the "New German School." His notable works listing could have gone on forever, since he credited for tons of works that innovated in things like symphonic poems, thematic transformation, and "radical innovations" in harmony. Radical like 80s Ninja Turtles, dude. You have definitely heard Hungarian Rhapsody No 2 before at some time, as it's featured in everything. Like everything. It's especially notable for its frequent use in cartoons, in everything from Mickey Mouse, to Tom and Jerry, to the dueling pianos battle between Daffy and Donald Ducks in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 

13. Giuseppe Verdi

Giuseppe Verdi. Sort of.

• Nationality: Italian
• Lifetime: 9 or 10 October 1813 – 27 January 1901
• Notable Works: Va, Pensiero, AKA Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves (1842, from the opera Nabucco); Rigoletto (1851); Aida (1871); Messa da Requiem (1874); Otello (1887); Falstaff (1893).
• Average Ranking: 13.2
• Discussion: Whenever I think of Giuseppe Verdi, I can't help but remember the fact that technically, he and iconic Steelers tackle "Mean" Joe Greene have the exact same name. Yes, "Giuseppe Verdi"is just fancy Italian for "Joe Green." When the Romantic period was going strong (especially in Germany), Verdi stepped forward to become the king of Italian classical music by just sort of doing his own thing. That means he never joined any "movement" like other composers did, but sort of composed whatever he wanted to. Once he tried to co-write a requiem (a mass song for the dead, if you weren't sure what exactly that mean) for the recently dead composer Rossini with a bunch of other people. But it never worked out. Later, when his friend Alessandro Manzoni died, he said "screw this group project" and wrote/finished the requiem all by himself. And how did he do? Well, cut to the 9:15 on this part of his Requiem, and you will certainly see. And that's why his Requiem is second only to Mozart's. And that's just mentioning one thing. It was hard to narrow down his notable works, so I listed a ton of them. 

Yep, this is about all the Handel anyone knows.

12. George Frideric Handel

• Nationality: German (later British)
• Lifetime: 5 March 1685 – 14 April 1759
• Notable Works: Messiah (especially the "Hallelujah Chorus", 1741); Zadok the Priest (1727); The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba (1748).
• Average Ranking: 12.42
• Discussion: You have heard of, and certainly heard, the Hallelujah Chorus. This is super famous. Even if you know little to nothing about classical music, saying the words "Hallelujah Chorus" should make you immediately know what work I'm talking about, and probably make you sing it in your head. The question is, is Handel a "one-trick pony" with Messiah? That's a question I had to ask myself when making this ranking. In one of the most definitive and well-researched rankings I saw when looking at the internet, which included the input of 173 lead composers, Handel failed to even make the top 50, let alone the top 20. Arguably, Handel did have other works that are still (sort of) renowned, such as his coronation anthem Zadok the Priest. Yet none of those are anywhere near as memorable as Messiah. The truth is, yeah, Handel is sort of a one hit wonder, who had his one epic Italian opera and then did okay stuff in the UK. So why rank him at 12 if composer experts say he's not worthy of the top 50? Well, for first, again, I didn't really let other peoples' rankings influence my own, except for just a little bit of the numbers that I crunched. There is something to be said about being a one mega-hit wonder (followed by a few somewhat-hits) if the mega-hit is so big that your name is guaranteed to be remembered throughout history. Other names ranked on this list I have heard of and/or barely heard of. But if you told me to name 5 composers off the top of my head with no research, Handel would have been one of them. So the "enduring fame and historic and/or cultural legacy" part of my numbers elevates him up. Plus fuck what a bunch of snobby composers say about who the best composers are.

This could be a photo of anyone from the late 19th C.

11. Claude Debussy

• Nationality: French
• Lifetime: 22 August 1862 – 25 March 1918
• Notable Works:  Pelléas et Mélisande (1902); "Clair de Lune" from Bergamasque (1905)
• Average Ranking: 11.67
• Discussion: Closing out the first half of the rankings at #11 is Frenchman Claude Debussy. He was among the most influential composers of the late 19th and early 20th centuries, although he rejected the common title of an "Impressionist" composer that many gave him (after his fellow French contemporaries in the art world). Unlike some other wunderkids and child geniuses on this ranking, who were cranking out shit at 6 years old,  Debussy didn't have his first "big hit" until his five-act opera, Pelléas et Mélisande, debuted when he was 40 years old. Just a few years later is when his piano suite, Bergamasqu, debuted, and its "Clair de Lune" part is one of the most famous and recognizable sections of classical music in history. Like Giuseppe Verdi, Debussy tried not to fit into any specific "style" that existed out there, and charted his own unique course, influenced by Russian and far-eastern music, and including his own style of harmony and orchestral composition. He'd go on to influence Béla Bartók and others, and his unique (and initially derided) styles went on to be embraced by others in the 20th century.

Next time... the Top 10! Hope you weren't as bored by this ranking as I am by classical music. Seriously, I only listen to it to help me fall asleep.

Ed Ranks Batman (1966 to 1968 TV Series) Villains

Da da da da

I've ranked Batmen before, as well as Batman Villains before, but now I'll focus in on the villains from that cheesy 1960s show that we all know and remember fondly. Just a few rules/notes:

• Lee Merriweather is ranked here too, even though she never appeared as Catwoman in the TV Show (technically, she was only in the Batman Movie that was meant as a companion to the TV show). 
• Not ranked is "Pussycat," played by Lesley Gore, who is sometimes included in such rankings. In my view she simply counts as a Catwoman henchwoman, rather than a villain on her own. 
• Additionally, I'm ranking some villains in pairs if they only ever appeared as pairs. For example, Dr. Cassandra Spellcraft and Cabala.

What puzzles me is why this episode was made.

36. The Puzzler (Maurice Evans) - Hypothetically, TPuzzler is based on an actual, unique DC comics villain from Action Comics #49 (a title more associated with Superman than Batman). In truth, Frank Gorshin did not return as The Riddler in Season 2 of Batman, so this guy was brought in as a fake Riddler ripoff. He sucked.

35. Calamity Jan (Dina Merrill) - Calamity Jan barely makes the cut. In reality, she's really more like a henchwoman (like the unranked Pussycat, explained above). However, when the true villain of Jan's episodes, Shane, returned (he had featured in previous episodes before, without Jan), she was added and received equal villain billing as if she was more than just a henchwoman. I guess I'll use her billing status as a special guest villain to include her, though she doesn't really it.

34. Nora Clavicle (Barbara Rush) - The main villain in one forgettable Season 3 episode where she takes over the government, has Commissioner Gordon fired, and does other "evil" things like appoint women into positions of power in the government. I suppose different TV shows dealt with the Women's Liberation movement in different ways in the 60's.

33. Lola Lasagne (Ethel Merman) - The name alone of this famous Broadway star's villainess is terrible enough. Add to that she wasn't really a villain of her own, and simply played second fiddle to Penguin in one of the million episodes he was in.

Fun fact: She was married to the OG Mr. Freeze.

32. Minerva (Zsa Zsa Gabor) - Holy shit! Zsa Zsa was in Batman? She was! Maybe you forgot about it. In fact, she was in the last ever episode of the TV show. She was so bad that she must have killed the show. Oh well.

31. Lord Marmaduke Ffogg (Rudy Vallée) and Lady Penelope Peasoup (Glynis Johns) - Everything British was cool in the 1960s because of the Beatles, and so Batman had a swinging 60's British Invasion episode, except in the reverse where they went to London. Or in the case of this episode: Londinium. Because, for some strange fucking reason, they acted like the word "London" was copyrighted and they couldn't go to the actual city. For that reason, this episode features Chinese knockoff things like Chuckingham Palace and Ireland Yard. Oh, and the pair of one-off villains? Also extremely forgettable.

30. The Sandman (Michael Rennie) - There are multiple characters called "Sandman" throughout the history of DC comics.  This version is based on none of them, and is instead an evil hypnotist who makes sleepwalking people so his bidding, while he wears what clearly looks like a lady's fur coat.

29. The Minstrel (Van Johnson) - As annoying as you might think the Jaskier character is in The Witcher, he is nowhere near as lame as Van Johnson's stupid Minstrel who played a lute while simultaneously being a stock market manipulating expert in electronics. So now you know where Bane's story from The Dark Knight Rises came from.

28. Dr. Cassandra Spellcraft (Ida Lupino) and Cabala (Howard Duff) - This forgettable pair of villains featured in the second-to-last episode of the series and found a way to become invisible so that they could break a bunch of other Batman villains out of jail. Unfortunately, they were too lazy/cheap to hire all those other villains (Joker, Riddler, Catwoman, Penguin, Egghead, etc) to actually feature in this penultimate episode. So they just used body doubles and most of the episode was Batman, Robin, and Batgirl kicking and punching the air while pretending that they were fighting invisible enemies.

Even he is confused about existing.

27. The Archer (Art Carney) - A fake Green Arrow (who is just a fake Robin Hood anyway) that is a villain instead of a good guy. Played by the guy from The Honeymooners! Uhh... okay.

26. The Black Widow (Tallulah Bankhead) - I mean much praise for getting Tallulah Fucking Bankhead to star in this campy TV show. Actually, Batman was pretty good at getting notable stars (often past-their-prime, to be honest) to have cameos as villains of the week. If this show were on today, you'd be seeing folks like Billy Zane, Freddie Prinze Jr., and Snooki.

25. Olga, Queen of the Cossacks (Anne Baxter) - Yep, add the great Anne Baxter (Eve in All About Eve, Nefertari in The Ten Commandments, and so much more!) to the famous names who wanted to cameo in this show as terrible, terrible, forgettable villains.

24. Zelda the Great (Anne Baxter) - Wait... what?! Anne Baxter AGAIN?! That's right, folks! Though several villains were played by different actors (Catwoman, The Riddler, Mr. Freeze), Anne Baxter is the only actor who played different villains! Other than Liberace, but he played twins in the same episode, so that doesn't count. And to tell the truth, this isn't Anne Baxter again, since this was actually her first appearance on the show, while Olga was her second. I'll put the two Anne Baxter roles right next to each other, though I'll rank Zelda slightly above because this was her original appearance in an early episode of the show, and she played a more interesting character (a magician who likes to rob banks).

23. The Clock King (Walter Slezak) - Most people probably thought this was TV-only villain not based on a comics character, until Batman: The Animated Series came along and people were like, "Oh wow, that really is a Batman villain?" In this show, he's pretty much just The Mad Hatter, but with a clock in his hat. He would win the prize for craziest eyebrows on the series, if not for both The Mad Hatter as well as Otto Preminger's take on Mr. Freeze.

22. Marsha, Queen of Diamonds (Carolyn Jones) - You might know that John Astin (Gomez Addams) filled in as the Riddler during Season 2... but did you know that the actress who played Morticia Addams was also on Batman? She was! And she played the Queen of Diamonds, who, you know, liked to steal diamonds. She was just okay, but not terrible for a one-off villainess.

21. Mr. Freeze #1 (George Sanders) - There were three actors who played Mr. Freeze on Batman, and I have read one article which said that George Sanders was the best because he was the original and he didn't ham it up as much as the other two. Whoever wrote that obviously doesn't understand that hamming it up is what Batman 1966 was wall all about. This is the version of Mr. Freeze who is totally forgettable. Oh, and as the picture above of Zsa Zsa aludes to, George Sanders was married to her at one point. Although it's not hard because she was married to everyone back then at one point.

20. Ma Parker (Shelley Winters) - Shelly Winters (another famous name!) played this obvious parody of the famed mid-western crime lady Ma Barker. She comes in to take over the city penitentiary, but isn't memorable enough to carry her two-part appearance without needing a Catwoman cameo in the second part.

Basically already dressed like a Batman character.

19. Chandell and Harry (Liberace) - So yeah, Liberace was on the show, hamming it up big time. He played twins, one of which was Chandell, and the other who was Harry. Chandell was Liberace being super gay (e.g. playing himself) and Harry was Liberace pulling the ol' Rock Hudson and pretending to be a butch manly man. Obviously he was not as convincing as Rock Hudson at pulling that off.

18. Shame (Cliff Robertson) - Cliff Robertson (an Academy Award winner for Charly, though you likely know him more as Uncle Ben from the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man trilogy) starred on Batman as an obvious pastiche on a "Western" villain. Presumably because most other TV shows were westerns, and having an old west Batman villain meant that they got to reuse the wardobe in the studio closet rather than pay to design a new villain wardrobe. Practical! Shane is obviously the inspiration for the name, and someone thought Shame was a good enough character to come back for  pair of episodes in Season 3 after his initial Season 2 appearance. That makes him technically not a one-off villain like so many others.

17. Colonel Gumm (Roger C. Carmel) - Ah, the wonderful Roger C. Carmel, famous for being Harry Mudd in Star Trek, and Cyclonus in Transformers. Technically, he didn't get special billing for this episode, but that was because this episode was meant as a crossover for The Green Hornet, and featured Van Williams and BRUCE FUCKING LEE appear in it as The Green Hornet and Kato. In fact, Batman and Robin suspect GH and Kato as being the bad guys instead of Col. Gumm at first. Which is kind of dumb, once you remember that they actually met previously because GH and Kato had a cameo appearance earlier in the season when they had a cameo scene where Batman and Robin passed them walking up a wall (you know the old shitty window scenes!) Anyway, I lost track of Col. Gumm because I got sidetracked by BRUCE FUCKING LEE. He's good for a one-off villain, because Roger C. Carmel is good. Good enough to crack well into the top 20, and to even surpass an iteration of Mr. Freeze. That's saying something.

16. Louie the Lilac (Milton Berle) - Milton Berle playing a Batman villain is about exactly how you think it sounds. At first, you're like, "this is going to be awful." Then you realize, "no, this is probably actually a fairly good fit for this campy-ass show." 


15. False Face (Malachi Throne) - False Face wasn't terrible, and was actually a pretty good concept (a master of disguise). He was a character who could have, and probably should have, returned for another story later on. But I'm certainly not going to rank him above JOAN FUCKING COLLINS.

Just here to seduce you.

14. The Siren (Joan Collins) - Honestly, The Siren was not that good and probably doesn't deserve to rank this high. But I will rank her this high, because she is JOAN FUCKING COLLINS! Hot, young Joan Collins dressed up like a Greek goddess (Siren's name is "Lorelei Circe") and plays a harp to seduce and brainwash people. She only featured in one episode (if you don't count a short cameo in the episode before that was used as a set-up to introduce her), but I could have gone for a lot more Siren in Batman 66.

13. Catwoman #2 (Lee Meriwether) - With only one appearance as Catwoman in the movie (when Julie Newmar was unavailable), it's hard to really judge Lee Meriwether. I'm throwing her here, because she did a fairly good job for such a small time.

12. The Mad Hatter (David Wayne) - Those eyebrows tho. Also, obviously just a rip-off of the Alice in Wonderland character, though in fairness, he is based on DC Comic's initial rip-off, rather than being an original ripoff.

11. The Riddler #2 (John Astin) - Like Joan Collins, maybe John Astin doesn't deserve to be this high. Frank Gorshin was in, like, a million episodes of Season 1 of Batman. He was clearly "the" Batman villain, moreso than the Joker. But he didn't come back for Season 2, and after trying (and failing) with the absolutely awful "The Puzzler" (ranked at the bottom), they said "screw it, let's recast The Riddler." And they did. And John Astin was perfectly damn fine as The Riddler. In some ways, I appreciate the fact that he did take the role over. The few episodes with him are, like, special little gems.

10. Mr. Freeze #3 (Eli Wallach) - Yep, the legendary Eli Wallach (Tuco / The Ugly in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly) was Mr. Freeze. I'm not going to hate on him, even though some people don't like his portrayal. It was no Otto Preminger, but it was good.

9. The Bookworm (Roddy McDowall) - If any character is ranked "controversially high," it is this one. All the other characters in the Top 10 are going to be characters you've heard of, remember, and who appeared in multiple stories. But The Bookworm?! Who the hell is that?!  Well, he was Roddy McDowall (he's in a ton of things, but you might just go with Planet of the Apes) playing a big dork in glasses who committed crimes based on literature and, ultimately, just wanted to steal a bunch of valuable books. The two-episode story he was in was so dumb and goofy that it's awesome.

Before the Arnold puns, there was this dude.

8. Mr. Freeze #2 (Otto Preminger) - Otto Preminger is the Mr. Freeze from the Batman show. This is the Mr. Freeze that most people remember. He was great. Hrm. I wonder if this take on a bald-headed, European-accented Mr. Freeze inspired any other versions of the same character. Probably not, right?

7. Catwoman #3 (Eartha Kitt) - My memory of Batman from childhood was about a 50/50 split for Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar Batman episodes. That memory from childhood is completely wrong, because Eartha Kitt only appeared as Catwoman in two storylines (three episodes), and both were very late in the show's run. What the hell? Julie Newmar, meanwhile, played Catwoman in 12 episodes. Everything I remember is wrong. Still, the fact that I remember Eartha Kitt's Catwoman so well despite being on the show in FEWER EPISODES THAN CLIFF ROBERTSON'S SHAME (who was in 4 episodes) obviously means that the little she was there was done so well that she knocked it out of the park.

6. King Tut (Victor Buono) - For a made up silly character not from the actual comics, King Tut knocked it out of the park. This is exactly the type of cheesy-ass villain that made Batman so campy great.

No addition context needed.

5. Egghead (Vincent Price) - Vincent Price. Egg puns. Enough said. Or is it? Because I'm actually saying more. This dude is a movie icon, especially in somewhat villainous roles. He took a break from creepy-ass horror films to do Batman, and the world is better for it.

4. The Riddler #1 (Frank Gorshin) - Many rankings will put the Riddler at #1, but I won't. He's great and everything, and Frank Gorshin was great. But it was almost overkill with The Riddler, especially in Season 1. There were a ton of episodes with him. Sometimes less is more, and this was definitely not a less situation.

3. The Penguin (Burgess Meredith) - Speaking of overkill, The Penguin was in Batman for 20 of its 120 episodes (about 17%), more than any other villain. So yeah, Burgess Meredith was in this show A LOT. He was great though, and who doesn't love a Penguin episode? Penguin moves ahead of Riddler because of his pretty iconic look. The nose. The long cigar. I'm not going to lie, as a younger child I was pretty sure that FDR was The Penguin.

Your holy trinity? Almost.

2. The Joker (Cesar Romero) - Cesar Romero as The Joker was amazing, even if he never bothered to shave his damn mustache and just painted over it. The Joker would never be the iconic character that he is today without Cesar Romero knocking it out of the park. While you can think of The Riddler as someone with a high IQ who is obviously somewhere "on the scale" and who likes to play games, Romero's Joker is a 100% batshit crazy dude.

1. Catwoman #1 (Julie Newmar)

Catwoman was the best. Sorry. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. I saw a few other rankings (which I tried to ignore when I made my own), and she was always #2 while Joker or Riddler flipped between #1 and #4 (speaking of which, Penguin was always #3, which is exactly where I put him too). I kind of get why different people flip Joker and Riddler between #1 and #4, and the same reason I get that is the same reason why I feel like neither deserves #1. That leaves Jule Newmar's leather-wearing seductress (as much as she could be in a family 1960s TV show, but come on... even for that time her tight black outfit left little to the imagination) in the top spot. The same as Cesar as The Joker. Julie Newmar made Catwoman an iconic and unforgettable character and sex symbol.

Meow?

Ed Ranks Ghost Towns of the DFW Metroplex by Name, Part II

Pay no mind to this picture. This is just a movie set.

By now you know the drill, hopefully:

• This is Part 2 of 2, ranking "Ghost Towns" of the DFW Area by their names.
• Ghost Towns need not be totally vanished from existence, haunted by ghosts, or ruins with an old swinging door saloon that's fallen apart (like the deceptive pic to the right).
• Instead, a ghost town could be as simple as place that used to be an independent settlement with a post office, but has since faded to little more than an old grave yard and church, and sometimes  maybe even a few residents are left (though those residents fall under the zip codes, postal offices, and census-designated places of other nearby towns and cities that survived and swallowed them up).
• Even though I'm giving some random facts and interesting history tidbits, none of that matters in this ranking. I'm only ranking via how cool the name is. Note that this isn't being done in a vacuum though, of place names on their own. Anything which makes the name extra "TEXAS-ey" will help out. So while a hypothetical place named "Yeehaw Rattlesnake Boot Tumbleweed Crick" would not rank high if it were a ghost town of, say, Maine, it is perfectly fit for a name in the DFW Metroplex of Texas. 

Here they are, the top 20. 

20. Union Bower

A bower can be: a) : an attractive dwelling or retreat, or b) a lady's private apartment in a medieval hall or castle. I am already excited about the potential for this ghost town! Especially since it's a UNION Bower! Did some Union solider build a medieval castle for a pretty Southern Belle that he eloped with sometime after the Civil War? If so, I can see why this Dallas County town was eventually abandoned, as Texans are to this day super angry about the Union winning! Stupid rednecks! No, in truth, the "union" had nothing to do with the Civil War, and related to a "Union" Sunday school there (Union referring to the fact that different church denominations shared the same building). Still, that's not a word that's very popular in the south. The town might have also been named "Hawk's Chapel" for a time (a much more awesome name, that would have gotten it ranked higher). Eventually, the fork of the river nearby was rerouted and the farming community was replaced by industrial developments. Union Bower went into oblivion, its land now absorbed by Irving.

19. Birdville

Not what this town is named after at all.

Birdville is certainly an interesting town name. At least it would be if it was named after some awesome bird encounter that happened there. Was this the sight of the world's largest aviary? Nope! Alas, it was named after Bird's Fort, an early fort settlement in Tarrant County. Bird's Fort is, in turn, named after Major Jonathan Bird, who established said fort in September 1841 along the Trinity River, for protection of the settlements along the Texas frontier. Yet it was soon abandoned due to the threat of a Comanche attack. By 1848, a different area to the west was settled (independent of the fort itself), thus the town was born. It was chosen as the first Tarrant County seat the next year (when the county was first established), got a post office in 1851, but in 1856 lost an election to maintain the county seat to the rival "named-after-some-dude's-fort" town of Fort Worth. Fort Worth continued to grow and become the large namesake city of this ranking (the FW, of DFW, duh) while Birdville, well, you know. This whole thing is "ghost towns." Do I need to explain it? When the population of Birdville was only about 100 in 1906, the post office closed. It had a bounce after World War II, but soon faded away again after that. It has since been swallowed up by Haltom City, TX, now a Fort Worth inner suburb.

 18. Poe Prairie

You cannot say that this ghost town has an uninteresting name, because Poe Prairie is definitely interesting. In Parker County, it's named after settler James William Poe who came in the 1870s. And since he put it on a prairie, it became Poe Prairie, I guess. It had a school, but that's long gone and only a cemetery remains. Not the most amazing story, but it's better than just "Poe," and at least it's alliterative. And, per the rules above, the word "Prairie" makes it just feel more TEXAS AF. Yeehaw Rattlesnake Boot Tumbleweed Prairie would be better, but Poe Prairie will do in a hurry. Especially if you think of Edgar Allen Poe reimagined as telling horror stories about old west cowboys. Which would be awesome, by the way.

17. Ozro

I keep reading this as "Orzo," and it makes me hungry for some short-cut pasta that everyone thinks is rice (it's not... did I just blow your mind? It's pasta!). But this isn't Orzo. It's Ozro, and it was named after one of two guys with that name (either Ozro High or Ozro Cheatham, nobody is sure which). It was in Ellis County, but over time it's post office and school closed, residents moved to nearby Maypearl, and now it has a population of exactly 0. An Ozro Road in Maypearl is all that remains. Though a name, it's an interesting and unique name. So I like it, and am putting it here. Deal with it.

16. Kit

The theme music should already be playing in your head.

Not named after the cool car from Knight Rider, instead Kit (not KITT anyway, I suppose) in Dallas County was named after... well... nobody actually knows. Or at least not that I can find any research to confirm. Kit Carson? I dunno. It wasn't even named "Kit" at first. It was named "Gorbett." The only problem with Gorbett (other than it being a terrible name, I mean) is that another town was also named that, so they had to change their name. The knowledge of where the name came from died with the settlers, and eventually the town was absorbed by Irving. Only a cemetery remains nearby a highway intersection. I mean other stuff is there too, but it's not from the ghost town of Kit. There is a Whataburger and a Waffle House where Kit used to be, but I don't think that's relevant to this ranking. 

15. Wardville

Wardville was the first seat of Johnson County, founded in 1854 (or 1855, according to other sources) and named after Thomas William Ward, a Texas Revolution hero. Though chosen by the State legislature to be the seat of power, law dictated (as I've said before) that the seat be at the center of the county. Why? Mostly for ease in voting. So someone eventually realized that they fucked up when making the map and Wardville wasn't the center at all. Therefore, by 1856 (only a year or two later), the seat was moved to Buchanan, TX (also ranked), five miles west. An old wooden courthouse still remains, said to be the oldest in the state. But that doesn't matter much for a place abandoned after one or two years. Maybe the courthouse might still be in mint condition for lack of us. I don't know. Does this seem ranked pretty high to you? Well, there is just something about "Wardville" that works for me. I like it! Even though "Ward" is named after a person, it also has historical meanings related to plots of land. It works!

14.  Stony

Stony, in Denton County, was settled in the late 1850s. It was named after its soil type, which didn't exactly entice settlers to come to till the stone-filled soil. Maybe they should have had a marketing guy work that name. "Fertile Fields" would have certainly encouraged more farmers to come than "Ah shit, you're going to bust all your plows on all this damned stone!" Topping out at 100 residents in 1914, that number fell to about 25 by the 1930s, and there it remained until it vanished from existence in the 1990s. You’d think I’d rank it pretty low because the town name was so bad it made farmers not want to move there. On the contrary, I actually think "Stony" is a great name for a town. It works for me. I don’t have a better explanation as to why. I like it. Stony, TX sounds like a legit place. And, you know, I guess it was.

13. Newberry

Okay, I obviously don't hate the name Newberry (since it's ranked up here). In Parker County, it was settled in 1855.  The Newberrys were one of the families who helped to settle the place, and hence the name. But beyond the community of a few families that propped up there, not much other history about it is recorded. It never even had a post office or anything! A church and cemetery remain, along with a historic marker that is just a little bit longer than what I've typed out here. Still, even though it’s a family name, Newberry works a lot better for a town than, say, Carter. Or it did, at least. I guess it worked about the same, since neither exists anymore. Whatever. Newberry is a perfectly good town name.

12. Buena Vista

"Buena Vista" means "Good View," which is a lazy name, but also better than just being super white and naming it "Good View." At least a Spanish word at least recognizes that Texas once belonged to Spain and Mexico before it was stolen. Buena Vista was in Ellis County, west of Waxahachie (which is a great name and WOULD rank high on this list, only it's not a ghost town since people still live there). Not much info survives on it, and there are at least three other ghost town Buena Vistas across Texas. It had a school with 86 students in 1894, but vanished from maps by the 1970s. Not much else to say. An okay name. Perfectly fine.

11. Bono

This picture is also related to Bono and Texas.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY! I guess this isn't named after the lead singer of U2. Unless he was a time traveler. Or maybe unless he becomes one in the future. I suppose he could still invent a time machine in the future and go back to settle this place. Anyway, it's in Johnson County. Bono was apparently named by a man called Calvin Jones. Who or what did Calvin Jones really name Bono after (assuming my time travel theory is bad)? No clue. Like others here, it had a post office but the town was eventually bypassed by the railway. Instead of immediately dying after the bypass, Bono actually continued along for a while until the Great Depression finished it off. Only a community center, cemetery, and baptist church remain.

10. Barnesville

This Johnson County ghost town could be a knockoff version of Farmsville (well, maybe if would be if it was spelled Barnsville without the extra e), but instead was a farm community settled in the 1850s. It grew to have a cotton gin and post office sometime before 1873. Its moderate growth was fueled by it being on the Waxahachie-Cleburne stagecoach line. As with any of the towns on this ranking where I mention how it was conveniently located along the old roads and coach trails... the coming of the train tracks mostly decided which towns would live and which would die. Barnesville was bypassed by the railway, naturally, and it's population of 150 in the mid 1880s began to vanish. Though ludicrously close to the ghost town of Ozro (above on this ranking), it's actually on the other side of the Johnson-Ellis County line, so it was basically absorbed into nearby Alvarado, rather than into Maypearl like Ozro. There is still a Barnesville Church and Cemetery, but otherwise... this town is now just farmland in TX.

9. Oasis

You've got to be pretty bold to name a place "Oasis," as that implies a sort of paradise in the middle of a shitty desert. Was Oasis really a beautiful place, better than everything else around it in Dallas County? Not really. It was notable enough in the 1890s to have its own general store and cemetery, but by the end of the 1940s its population was 20 people. The city of Dallas eventually annexed it. Which makes this Oasis as meaningless and forgettable as the shitty band. Yeah, Oasis sucks. Deal with it.

8. Dido

Giving that "let's hook up" look to Aeneas, presumably.

Dido! Perhaps you know her as an English singer-songwriter. Well, the town is named after the same woman who that singer is presumably named after, the mythical founder and first queen of the Phoenician city-state of Carthage (modern Tunisia). Dido is a notable character in Virgil's epic poem, the Aeneid. So yes, good name! Anyway, Dido the town was founded in Tarrant County around 1848, and grew to have a post office, school, church, and cemetery. Alas, repeating what I've probably said a dozen times before... the railroad came by in the 1890s, and when it bypassed Dido, it's fate was sealed. Basically all that remains now is the pioneer cemetery. One source says that the Methodist church there is "the oldest" in Tarrant County, but looking at a picture of it, the church there is definitely a modern church and not any one that was created in the 19th Century.

7. Erudia

Now considered part of Frisco in Collin County (Collin county has a TON of ghost towns, if you haven't yet noticed), the settlement was said to be named after a character in a book that the town's founder, author Rev. William Allen, he had written in 1890. The story is: "Erudia, the Foreign Missionary to Our World."  Talk about a crazy town name origin! He made up a fictional character and so fell in love with it that he named a town after it. Not much is known about it, and it quickly vanished in the first few years of the 20th Century (the post office changed its name to "Frisco" in 190), being left off maps and its population moving elsewhere. Looks like you can buy a copy of the book for $300 if this quirky bit of history really interests you. On it's own, the name is sort of unique and wacky. Knowing the story behind the name drives it up to lucky 7.

6. Twin Wells

The only thing better than founding a town where there is a well is a place where there are TWO WELLS! I'm moderately excited to learn more about this place! Okay... so... it's in Dallas County. Two wells (YESSSS!) stood here on the sides of the Eagle Ford Trail, which passed along the South Bank of the Trinity River. It prospered in the late 1800s, mainly as a farming community. The population would peak around 130 in the 1940s, but as they built highways it was eventually right-of-wayed out of existence. A bridge over the Trinity remains, as does a park and a gold course that were named after it. I like this name because it sounds exactly like the type of name an old west town would have, if said town had two wells in it. Adios, wells! Both of you!

5. Mustang

I SAID "YEEHAW!"

This settlement in Denton County, dating to the 1850s, was either named for wild horses nearby (which is awesome and a super yeehaw Texas thing), or wild "mustang grapes" that grew along the creek (which would, comparatively, be lame and a much less super yeehaw Texas thing). From 1876 to 1907 it had a post office, though it's 1876 population was a mere 75. As with other towns on this list, the Great Depression put a final nail in the coffin of the few remaining (two) businesses that were left  by the 1930s. A tragic fate for a town with a badass Texas-sounding name. Mustang, Pennsylvania would be boring. But Mustang, Texas? Yeah. It works! I'm ranking this high under the assumption that it's named after free-roaming horses of the American West, and NOT after some stupid grapes.

4. Frognot

Well this is a really weird-ass town name! Frognot! FROGNOT! In Collin County, freakin' FROGNOT was somewhat mysteriously founded sometime around 1913 (when the first school was founded there), and grew to also include a store. A store and a school! They're both gone now, and all that remains of Frognot is a water supply standpipe (to supply water to nearby Blue Ridge). Where the hell did this name come from? Apparently, it's related to Frogs, but nobody knows for sure. One theory goes: "The area had an abundance of frogs. They killed the frogs and became known as Frognot." Only in Texas, man. Only in Texas. By the way, there is also a different town just called "Frog."

3. Pluto

This dude!

YES! YES! A great name! The god of the underworld! (Pluto to the Romans, Hades to he Greeks). You've got to be super awesome to name your town (in Ellis County, by the way) after the god of the dead and underworld. What sort of message does it send if you name your town after the god of the dead? I'm not sure, but I think it's a sweet one! Like Diet Dr. Pepper. It wasn't named after the maybe-sort-of-planet, since that wasn't even discovered back then. It got its post office in 1894 and two years later there were 200 Plutonians (YES!) living there. Alas, the post office closed in 1905, which as you can tell by this ranking is a sure sign that the population will drift away too. By the 1930s there were only 24 Plutonians left. It no longer appears on maps, though it was said to still have a population of 15 Plutonians in 2000. I just like saying Plutonians.

2. Trueloves

Trueloves the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that! But that's not what he said! He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff," huh? So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated... *ahem*... Where was I? Right. In Johnson County, To Blave was named after two brothers named "Truelove," not actually after any romantic story about love being found here. Lemuel B. Truelove and Jonathan Richard Truelove, to be specific. They bought the land and invested in it to build some cotton gins. Truelove School was built in 1907. Though it appeared on some old maps, its distance from the railroad never really gave it a chance to grow into anything. It no longer exists on any maps, but would likely be somewhere between Alvarado and Venus along the modern route 67. It might just be a surname city, but what a name it is! Bring back Trueloves!

1. Climax

Self-explanatory, I presume.

This town in Collin County had an AWESOME name. The town grew (or climaxed, rather... har har!) in the 1890s to have its own post office, churches, schools, cotton mills, etc. Yet in 1901 they took the post office away and the climax was over, with only shame about the drunken hookup of its existence remaining. The population has been about 40 for the last century, so again... it's not one of those 100% gone towns. But if you try to search for these two words together, you're probably going to find a lot more about Alexis Texas than you are about this ghost town.