Ed Ranks Burger Toppings

I just ranked Pizza toppings, but spring has sprung and it's about time to think of firing up those grills again! 

But what should go on your burgers? I'm glas you asked. 

Here are the top 10 toppings to put on your burger.  Note that I'm excluding condements from this ranking. So things like mustard, mayo, bbq sauce, etc - not on the list. And please don't say ketchup. Gross. What are you, 7 years old? 

10. Mushrooms

While mushrooms on a pizza are a solid #2 ranking as seen on last week's edition of Ed Ranks Everything, they're a little more questionable on a burger. First of all, you have to slice them really thin and also cook/saute them for them to be usable on a burger. If you get a Five Guys burger "all the way,"  they'll come with that type of mushrooms on it, and they can be somewhat slippery and sloppy. For vegetarians, replacing the entire meat patty itself with something like a grilled portabello is a fine option for a mushroom-based burger, but we're not talking about that - we're talking about toppings. 

9. Avocado 

Not a bad choice, although like with mushrooms these things can get messy. If your avocado is on the firmer side, it might slip right off. If it's on the sloppier and more "crushed" side, then it becomes dangerously close to being guac, which I would consider to be dangerously close to more like a "condement" to be excluded from this list. Just find that nice middle ground with your avocado if you want it to be on a burger.  I personally don't add avocado to a lot of burgers, but the #9 spot is about where it belongs. 

8. Fried Egg

I suppose the other ingrenients on a burger really make the determination of whether a fried egg would be an appropriate addition or not. You'd certainly want bacon if you're going this route. Pretty much this makes it a "breakfast burger," although I believe most "breakfast burgers" aren't even eaten at breakfast.  They're more like late night dive bar food. 

7. Onion

I talked about onions in last week's Pizza Topping ranking, and noted that I wasn't a huge fan of raw onions. But raw onions actually work well on burgers, along with everything else. Somehow the harshness of the raw onion blends well with other burger toppings and condements. However, you can also go with caramelized/sauteed onions too, which are great on a burger. Some people also go for friend onions, especially on any kind of "southwestern" style burger with BBQ sauce. Or sometimes they even just straight up put onion rings on burgers. All are good choices. Here at #7 we have solidly entered the zone of "things you should absolutely include on your burger." Onion is a great burger topping, no matter in what form. 

6. Jalapeños

As with Pizza Toppings again, Jalapenos make a burger better. Please put Jalapenos on your burger unless you're a coward. 

5. Bacon 

It seems sort of unnecessary to add meat as a topping on to what is already a meat-based meal. But throwing bacon on a burger simply makes it better. The salt. The fat. Hell yeah. No one can say no to bacon, right? I'm sure it's the #1 cause of vegetarians breaking the habit and going back to eating meat. 

4. Pickles 

The crunch. The salt. The vinegar. Why even bother with a burger if you're not going to have a few pickles on it? Extra pickles, even. Whatever number of pickles you think is the correct amount - double it. That is the real correct amount. 

3. Tomato 

Every burger should have a tomato slice on it. It is a farce to get a burger without a tomato. Along with the cooked meat, a tomato adds a juicy burst of freshness, balancing out the burger itself with a somwhat tangy sidekick. 

2. Lettuce 

In principle, lettuce shouldn't be ranked high anywhere. It's so boring. It's essentially flavorless and is just filler. Compared to other greens which have a lot of nutritional value, most types of iceberg or romain lettuce that get put on burgers are sort of water with no real added vitamins or nutrition. So why does lettuce rank all the way up here at #2? It just does, okay. That crunch it adds. No, lettuce flavor isn't strong, but it belongs on a burger. A burger just ain't right without lettuce. Lettuce has its place, and it's place is right here.

1. Cheese 

Not even a question. You should never really have a "hamburger." You should be having "cheeseburgers." It is an essential topping. And while we're speaking of cheese - just know that the absolute KING of burger cheeses is American. Sure, if you want to be fancy you can put on swiss or cheddar or havarti or pepper jack, etc.  But nothing beats what a nice melt piece of American cheese can do to a patty of ground beef. 

Ed Ranks Pizza Toppings

I just re-ranked Board Games, which I had already done before. Does that mean I'm running out of ideas? HELL YEAH IT DOES! And along those lines... 

Once I ranked Regional Pizza Styles. Let me now do something slightly the same, but slightly different. Pizza toppings! Now the types of crusts and their shapes no longer matter. It's all about what you put on top. 

10. Olives

Olivies don't add too much to a pizza. Basically a little more salt and some vinegar. I liked them more when I was a kid, but now would generally skip them on a pizza. I mean... they just sort of exist there. I guess if I had to pick one over the other, I'd say black olives. But the chances of me selecting olives on a pizza when given a choice is low. Maybe if they come as part of a "supreme" package with a whole lot of different things on it.

9. Bell Peppers

Red, Green, Yellow - all the same. Adds some nice crush to the pizza and you can at least claim that it's a healthy topping. Again, in the end kind of "meh" and like with olives, whenever I have bell peppers on a pizza, it's probably just because it's part of a supreme or vegetarian pizza pre-determined pizza combo where you don't have to manually pick the ingredients. 

8. Extra Cheese

This is sort of boring. Delicious, but boring. Does it even count? I think so. 

7. Onions

Onions are fine on a pizza, although they often aren't cooked enough to my liking. Raw onions are pretty harsh, so I prefer my onions cooked. Often the onions on pizza are cooked in the oven for a little bit, but still maintain some of the harsh "raw onion" flavor.  But then again, sometimes if they are cooked for long enough, the onion can reach that nice level where those harsh notes are caramelized away into deliciousness. So long as the onions are cooked long enough, a solid choice, especially when complementing other ingredients. 

6. Bacon 

Bacon on a pizza is great, but I don't think it can stand alone. If you add bacon to a pizza, you need to add other things. Onions. Mushrooms. Veggies. Stuff like that. Or make an egg and make it like a breakfast pizza? 

5. Ham and Pineapple

Sorry haters, Hawaiian Pizza is delicious and pineapple does (when matched up with ham) belong on a pizza. It's not my #1 favorite pizza in the worls, but stop being a little whiny bitch and just accept that Hawaiian Pizzas are delicious. I'm putting these two things together because they BELONG together. Don't bother with a ham pizza without pineapple, or a pineapple pizza without ham. Unless you're a vegitarian I guess. But if that's true, you should just be ignoring all these meat entries anyway. 

4. Sausage 

Sausage on a pizza is great. It's on every meatlover's pizza and every supreme pizza, but unlike something like bacon where I think it's weird if you had just bacon and nothing else, it's not weird at all if it's just a sausage pizza. Solid choice, but there are three better. 

3. Jalapenos (or Hot Peppers in General) 

Why not take the nice crunch and vegetable healtiness of the bell pepper option above and upgrade it to some form of hot pepper (Jalapeno is the best, obviously... banana peppers are a good call too) and let it have some kick? This one SORT of falls into that bacon-type of category where it's better if it's paired up with other ingredients, but I think it's so versetile that it can be paired up with almost anything and still be great, elevating it up to the top 3! 

2. Mushrooms 

Mushrooms on a pizza are great. It's one of the best ways to have mushrooms. They're great on veggie lovers pizzas. They're great on supreme pizzas. And they are great just on their own. Look, I'm not saying Sbarro is the greatest pizza choice in the world, but there is one in the building where I work, and whenever I go there - the vast majority of the time I get a slice of mushroom pizza. Mushroom pizza is fantastic. 

1. Pepperoni

Was there any doubt? Was this even a question? Pepperoni is THE pizza topping. You don't even eat pepperonis with anything else, do you? I mean, there are other types of sliced meats with spice that you put on cold cuts rather than pepperoni, per se. This is it. This is the ultimate pizza topping and there should be no debate or further explanation needed. 

Ed Blindly Re-Ranks Board Games

I’ve ranked board games before, but I forgot all about it. Without looking at how I ranked Board Games (way back in 2016), let me do it all again. Then afterwards, I'll post a link to when I originally ranked them and see how they match up. 

FUN, right? 

Will my top choice of 2016 STILL be my top choice in 2024?

15. Trivial Pursuit 

This one BARELY qualifies because it sort of kind of has a board. Let’s be honest here – this is really a trivia game, not a board game. But it’s SORT OF a board game because it does have a board that you have to advance on. Great game, but bottom of my rankings in terms of the board sort of not being the main focus of it. 

14. Candy Land 

This game will forever hold a place in everyone’s heart. It’s basically ever kid’s “My First Board Game.” Ludicrously simple and full of bright colors and images of candy to keep kids interested. Just for childhood nostalgia,  this makes the list. 

13. Mouse Trap 

Absolutely love the idea of a game that is a Rube Goldberg machine. A lot of fun for a kid. If it works properly. And if you haven’t loss one piece. Of course these types of games are for children… and you know what children do? Constantly break and lose shit. Honestly, this game should be sold with a “backup parts” back… because once you lose one piece of the Rube Goldberg machine that is Mouse Trap… the game is unplayable. 

12. Stratego 

Stratego is a mashup of Risk for people who want Risk to be a lot shorter, and Chess, for people not smart enough to figure out the complexities of chess (not meant as an insult…  those people include me). My little brother used to beat the shit out of me at this game every time, so it was his favorite. Then finally something “clicked” for me and I figured out how to dominate at it. Then he never wanted to play it again. What an asshole. 

11. (Settlers of) Catan 

At some point this game dropped the “Settlers of” prefix and just became Catan. This game almost fits into t he category of those complicated hundreds and hundreds of EuroGames that I said I didn’t want to talk about – only it’s not obscure like those. Catan blew up and became huge and now you can reliably find this board game on the shelf of any Walmart or Target or… wherever I guess they sell board games. It does feel like I need a half-hour re-explanation of how to play this game every time I need to play it again though. 

10. Risk 

Risk is fine as a game, but was never my favorite. It was sort of a middle-ground game with an easier/shorter version of it (Stratego) and a longer/more complex version of it (to be named later in the rankings), both of which I’d play more than Risk itself. Also, a lot of versions of Risk sold were the boring versions with boring game pieces. You really had to get one of the cool versions of risk with the more elaborate military units. Like Monopoly, there were so many versions of Risk with different pieces and customized for various fandoms. I guess that helps for resale value. Never my favorite though. 

9. (The Game of) Life 

I do have fond memories of playing Life as a kid. Was definitely a game the whole family could play. Sort of dark that you grow old throughout the game, but at least you just “retire” and don’t die.  We all had our favorite careers we wanted to get, and houses that we wanted to own. Choose to skip college. Be forced to have kids. I wonder if they’ve changed and updated this game now. It’s ripe for parody versions I bet. 

8. Ticket to Ride 

Ticket to Ride falls in the EuroGame category of being a bit more complex, but I like it more than Catan and I can pretty quickly get back into the flow of the game once it gets started. The real secret of the game are those cards you get that have bonuses for making certain secret connections that no one else can see. While a number of people I play against ignore or only maintain a few of those, I always aggressively try to pick more of those early in the game and work to seal off some of those limited corridors in the middle of the country to make sure I can get those bonus points. Usually before final scores are tallied based on those bonus points for connections I’m like in 3rd place among 4 players. But once those go in I surge to the top. Hell yeah. 

7. Chess 

Yes, I understand ranking Chess this low is a crime. But I don’t particularly like chess. It gets to be included here because it is indeed on a board and is a classic game that requires lots of strategy and complexity. I know it’s like over a thousand years old or something, but just because something is older doesn’t mean it’s better. Skipping rocks across a lake is an older form of entertainment than Netflix – but is it better? No, it’s not. It’s boring. If I’m playing chess, it needs to be against another idiot like me who just barely grasps the rules, has no strategy for thinking several moves ahead, and who regularly calls the Knights “Horsies.” 

6. Battleship 

Okay. Is Battleship a “board game?” I mean it’s not that polished cardboard board that you fold out like in a lot of these other games… but those plastic things that you put your pegs in… I mean it’s SORT OF a board, right? I know it’s three-dimensional and has that part that goes up at a 90 degree angle, and you’d think “board” should mean “flat” but this counts, right? I say it counts. It’s BASICALLY a board game. 

5. Scrabble

Spelling things is a lot of fun, right? Hell yeah it is. Also, whoever plays this game should totally allow “house rules” with “house words” that aren’t necessarily in the dictionary, but so long as you agree on them before-hand, they count. 

4. Axis & Allies

What if Risk was even longer and more complicated? Well here you have it. Axis and Allies. But I like it a lot more than Risk. It’s Risk in World War II. And the pieces are a lot cooler. Does the game take a million hours to play? Yes, sort of. Does it suck that someone has to play as the fucking Nazis? I mean for the most part yes, but looking at how this country votes these days I bet at least half of the country is super into that shit. 

3. Monopoly

Speaking of long games that are never finished, here we have Monopoly. Right where it belongs at #3. Do I need to mention more about it? No. I do not. You know what Monopoly is. You know how to play it. Everyone has played it. Everyone has tried to steal money from the bank when others aren’t looking. Everyone knows about Park Place and Boardwalk. Most people know that it started off as an anti-capitalism game to show the horrors of it, but instead people totally missed the point and embraced it. Everyone knows how it’s been branded out to a million different licensees who have created Star Wars Monopoly and Transformers Monopoly and Game of Thrones Monopoly and Simpsons Monopoly and Whatever the Pop Culture Trend of the Moment is Monopoly. And there have been just as many bootleg/off brand versions of it that are Other-opolies.

2. Clue

Clue! FUCK YEAH! Great game. Mr. Boddy is murdered and you have to figure out who did it, in what room, and with what weapon. I’ve already ranked Clue suspects, weapons and rooms, so no need for me to talk much about this. Other than reminding you that it is BETTER THAN MONOPOLY. This is almost the GOAT game. 

1. Fireball Island

This game is amazing. You are an Indiana Jones-type adventurer and you go to an island to capture a priceless jewel from a cursed god/idol named Vul-Kar. In your quest to capture this jewel, multiple situations might pop up where you get MURDERED by Vul-Kar spitting out a fiery hot fireball at you, which tumbles over you and sets you ablaze (or, you know, in reality just sends you to the “fireball time out” area while you lose the jewel and have to race against others to get it back). How this game never got bigger I’ll never understand. I used to think about this game all the time when I wasn’t playing it. Fireball Island could have been a  TV show or movie franchise. Running around as a kid outside I used to pretend basketballs were little Fireball Island pieces and I rolled them at people like a bowling ball and declared them “dead” if I hit them, in a modified version of capture the flag.

~~~~~

Flashback to 2016: https://edrankseverything.blogspot.com/2016/08/ed-ranks-top-10-board-games.html

Okay, so. Glad my #1 and #2 were the same as before. The other stuff moved around a bit. That's fine. As long as Fireball Island and Clue are always on top, I'll know that I'm always right.  Those ARE the two best games. 

Ed Ranks 21st Century Sitcoms

Hey, Ed Ranks Everything is going down to just one update / listicle a week for now. Why? Because I am lazy. 

ANYWAY, what am I ranking today? Sitcoms. But there are way too many of them. So let me cut it down to a timeframe. How about just the 21st Century? Great. So we’re in agreement. Here are the top 21 Sitcoms of the 21st Century (because 10 isn’t enough… so… 21 for the 21st century. Get it?). 

What you absolutely will not find listed here: Big Bang Theory. 

I’m also omitting animated shows, even though arguably some of those could be considered sitcoms (some lists have even called “The Simpsons” the greatest sitcom of all time). Animated stuff could, like, be something for another day. 

21. Malcolm in the Middle

There have been a million “family” sitcoms following the misadventures of a dysfunctional middle-class families. This is the best one of the 21st century for obvious reasons: Bryan Cranston and Frankie Munez. 

20. Atlanta

Donald Glover’s second best sitcom, a surreal take on the Atlanta rap scene. I honestly haven’t watched a ton of this, though what I have seen was quality. Could easily rise up the rankings if I, you know, got around to watching it more often. 

19. Scrubs

Another one that everyone raves about, but I never made a dedicated effort to watch it. What I did see was usually pretty funny. At least when it leaned more on the comedy side. For a while, it began to lean a little more melodrama on the comedy-drama scale. Mainly, what most people remember about this show was it simply being a bromance. 

18. Black-ish

The a modern version of The Cosbys but with less terrible sweaters and drugging girls. It maintained funniness while exploring hot button issues of race, culture, and identity through the lens of an upper-middle-class African American family. 

17. Modern Family

Another one where I never made a dedicated effort to watch this, but if it just happened to be on the TV, I’d watch it. Although, to be honest, I don’t love the “mockumentary-style” sitcom where cameras follow around everyone for no logical reason making a documentary that takes 10 fucking years to film. I’ll rant more about this when I get to “The Office” though. 

16. The Thick of It

A fucking British political satire that offers a fucking scathing and hilarious fucking portrayal of the inner workings of fucking government, known for its sharp fucking dialogue and fucking biting satire. Fuck. Oh, and Peter Capaldi swore a fucking lot. If you’re a fan of this Armando Iannucci… good news. This won’t be the last you’re seeing of his shows on this list. 

15. Flight of the Conchords

A delightfully weird-ass show follows the misadventures of a New Zealand folk duo trying to make it big in New York City with their fellow dipshit Kiwi manager. Deadpan humor and just the craziest, strangest musical performances. I’m not sure what drugs people were taking when the concept of this show got greenlit, but I’m glad they were taking them. 

14. Arrested Development

Gonna admit… another once that I haven’t seen every episode of, and which some others might rank a lot higher. Again, what I’ve seen (especially from the show’s exacerbated straight man character played by Jason Bateman, and manipulative alcoholic matriarch played by Jessica Walter) is fantastic. About the dysfunctional Bluth family. Apparently full of a ton of running jokes that I’m sure I’d like a lot more if I sat down and marathon’ed the whole thing. 

13. The Office

The story of mundane office life at Dunder Mifflin, led by the eccentric and clueless regional manager, Michael Scott. I’m sure this is a lot of people’s #1, and I get it. It is funny. Although let’s not pretend Steve Carrell doesn’t play that exact same character in every thing he’s in. Jim and Pam are great. Dwight is great. Tons of great characters.  But I do have a bone to pick with just how successful this show made the “mockumentary” format so that dozens and dozens of sitcoms for the next decade afterward the standard go-to. And logically… it made no sense. The original British version of the office was a limited serious, and you could totally understand why a documentary crew would hang out in an office for a couple of weeks to record an interesting story about life.  But why would a documentary crew spend like 9 goddamn years filming there? What documentary were they recording that took 9 years to film? It was all just a framing device for people to break the fourth wall and turn to the camera with their “WTF” faces, I get it. But there was a logical breakdown there. The other problem other than logical consistency when this show went on for 9 years is the obvious issue of what happens when a show goes on for 9 years. It jumped the shark. Look, James Spader and Catherine Tate are perfectly fine actors, but everyone knows this show should have ended long before they showed up. 

12. Parks and Recreation

A story about the quirky local government employees led by Leslie Knope, the absurdity of their jobs, in the fictional town of Pawnee. This is ranked next to the Office because it is the EXACT SAME SHOW AS THE OFFICE. I’m not just saying that because Rashida Jones. It was basically a cookie cutter of that Office mockumentary concept, moved from a paper company to local government. So if they’re basically the same show and technically the Office came first – why does this one rank higher? Ron Swanson and April Ludgate. That’s why. 

11. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Not unlike Steve Carrell, Andy Samberg also plays the same character in everything he’s in. But add to that Andre Braugher (RIP, Detective Frank Pembleton) and this was a funny show. Again, for the times I tuned in.  Honestly, everything from 21 to 11 are sort of the “sometimes I watched this if it was on and I had nothing better to do” shows.

10. Fleabag

A dark comedy following the life of a troubled and irreverent young woman navigating love, loss, and family in modern-day London. And trying to bang a priest I guess. Phoebe Waller-Bridge is very funny. This show is very funny. My favorite part is that the show opens in Episode 1 with her masturbating to a video of Barack Obama, and Barack Obama later made a list of his favorite TV shows of the year – and Fleabag was on it. So you KNOW he saw that scene and nodded to himself saying, “Yep, great show. I’m putting it on my list of TV shows of the year.” 

9. Schitt's Creek

If being in amazing reaction gifs on Discord is an indicator of the success of a character or a show, then Dan Levy’s David Rose and Schitt's Creek in general must be, like, the best.  This one follows the journey of the Rose family, who lose their fortune and are forced to live in a small town they once bought as a joke. Hell yeah. 

8. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

They say that Seinfeld was a “show about nothing,” which isn’t true at all, because it was about a bunch of self-centered douchebags who border on sociopathic tendencies.  And if that’s what Seinfeld is, It’s Always Sunny dials that concept up to 11 and goes full in with this dark comedy following the absurd and amoral exploits of the self-absorbed owners of Paddy's Pub. Just a group of stupid assholes who think they are smarter than they are and always get into the worst possible situations. 

7. What We Do in the Shadows 

Okay, another mockumentary-style comedy that follows the daily (erm… nightly?) lives of four vampire roommates living in Staten Island (oof), as they navigate modern life, centuries-old feuds, and the challenges of being undead. But this one is so full of absurdist, R-rated and dry humor that I’m willing to overlook the insane mockumentary style format. I mean what film company would keep really allowing all their cameramen to keep getting murdered? How does the world writ-large not actually know about vampires being real amd how do these secret vampire societies stay secret when someone is filming a multi-year documentary project about them? If this show took itself more seriously these questions would bother me, but the show is so ludicrous that it feels like it’s more making fun of the mockumentary format than playing into it. 

6. Fresh Off the Boat

Based (more loosely as seasons went on) on chef Eddie Huang's memoir, the show offered a look at the immigrant experience through the eyes of a Taiwanese-American family adjusting to life in Florida. Fortunately the show quickly figured out that Eddie as the hip hop loving main character was sort of meh and refocused to largely make the show about the mom and dad. Which was a good call. Things sort of blew up towards the end when Constance Wu went all “I’m a huge star now and I’m bigger than this show!”… but for a while this show was my absolute jam and a can’t-miss. 

5. Community

Ah, a patently absurd meta-comedy that explored the dynamics of a diverse study group at a community college, known for its wacky episodes, running jokes, and pop culture references. Amazingly funny characters and it had an opportunity to be a #1 or #2 show, if not for some of the slip ups with getting rid of Dan Harmon as showrunner, jumping around networks, and losing Donald Glover later in the series.  Not losing Chevy Chase though. That happened at exactly the right time, if not slightly too late. Great show. “Six seasons and a movie"? We’re almost there. 

4. New Girl

This show still holds up. I thought it would be one of those shows I liked at the time, but if I watched it again later I’d be like “Oooh wow, this is so dated.” Nope. It’s amazingly rewatchable. Yes, it initially centers around the “quirky” Jessica Day and focuses on her much more than her roommates.  But as the show progresses - Nick, Schmidt, Winston, Coach, and Cece all get fully fleshed out and often the best stories and running jokes on the show were Jessica-lite or didn’t even involve her at all. If  you’re not a fan of this, you’re a douchebag. Which means you need to put a coin in the jar. 

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm

What if Seinfeld was even more Seinfeld than Seinfeld was? And allowed to go so much darker and inappropriate because it’s a) on HBO, and b) not linked to any specific demands for a network schedule so that Larry David could basically make the show whenever he had good ideas, and then go on several years of hiatus until he could think of new terrible, terrible things for his characters to do. This semi-improvised sitcom starring Larry David and friends as fictional versions of themselves is all about the cringe. The lengths this show will go to make the view totally uncomfortable with everything that is happening is amazing. 

2. 30 Rock 

Speaking of shows where people played fictional versions of themselves, although the characters on 30 Rock weren’t actually named “Tina Fey,” “Tracy Morgan,” etc… it was pretty clear that 30 Rock was absolutely an inside baseball show that barely hid the fact that it was about Saturday Night Live and the insane actors and crew behind the scenes at NBC studios. This show was a non-stop barrage of rapid-fire jokes, meta humor and odd flashback/cutaway scenes that would make Seth MacFarlane blush. It had a cast of amazing characters and often ludicrous stories. It shit on NBC so much, it’s a wonder NBC even kept allowing it to air. Although maybe the people who had the authority to try to block episodes and stories dared not, because that would make Tina Fey write an episode about a barely-masked asshole authority figure at NBC who tried to block episodes and stories.

1. Veep

Ah yes, the great HBO political satire following the absurdities and power struggles of Vice President Selina Meyer and her dysfunctional staff, as well as the dysfunctional staffs of the President, congressmen, and basically the entire US government.  Even if I wasn’t a US government employee, I would find this show to be incredible hilarious in a “I can’t believe any shit this crazy would actually happen” kind of way. As a US government employee, I know it does. Which makes this show even funnier (in a way that is also sad and scary). The characters on this show all exist. I’ve met them. In real life they have different names and appearances. But anyone who works around political appointees and their staffs in the US government have met these characters. They are all over. Any one who said “holy shit, no way can it really be that bad” got a reality check come the Trump administration. Every episode of this show made me laugh out loud… but also cry a little on the inside. 

Ed Ranks Ways White Kids Can Mess Up Black History Month School Assignments

Well, I can’t let February come and go (although I almost did... happy February 29!) without mentioning Black History Month, aka the month where white kids all over the US typically have to do a "Black History Month" report that a lot of them will fuck up. Most of the time, people select one figure from history and do a report on him or her. But why is there so much fucking up? Various reasons. Here are the top five of those. 

5. You are in Florida, Texas, etc. 

Look kid, this one is less YOUR fault and more the state's fault. Chances are if you live in one of these types of states (I’m picking on these two, but it’s far more than this… and it’s also part of counties and rural towns all over the country) or areas… you never really had a chance to get educated properly about anything. You had legislators pass laws to ban “critical race theory” and other boogeymen that they are afraid make white people look anything less like history’s heroes… and you weren’t able to properly learn shit. Sorry, that sucks. Please escape from where you live and/or go out and vote to change things. 

4. You Did Poor Research and Showed a Superficial Understanding 

You could fit into this #4 category here because you are also a subset of #5 above, but not everybody is. Some people are just lazy and bad students. Or are just straight up racists. Or are just straight up dumbasses. These people will turn in garbage that is poorly researched, inaccurate, or rely on superficial information. Like googling something and taking it from some idiot’s blog about ranking things. Or Wikipedia. 

3. You Implied Racism Was A Thing of the Past Thanks to this Historic Figure  

Rosa Parks. Martin Luther King Junior. Jackie Robinson. Sidney Poitier. Frederick Douglas. The names go on and on. Chances are when many white kids write about these famous Black Americans, they lean in hard on the “and they helped to end racism in America” narrative as part of the story. Which is, you know, never actually happened. 

2. You Picked Barack Obama 

Same as #3 above, but you’re just fucking lazy. I mean come on. Pick someone else. Anyone really. Except no… please… no… please don’t pick an ath—

1. You Picked an Athlete

Ah shit. So you had the assignment to pick a historic Black figure in American history and you chose an athlete, huh? Yeah, no. Just lean riiiiiiight into that stereotype. Dr. Charles Drew pioneered blood transfusions and his work has probably saved hundreds of millions of lives over the years, but I get it… he never got 5 championship rings like Kobe did.

Ed Ranks Things that a Coxless Pair Could Be

Just Some Guys Going Coxless

A “coxless pair” is a racing boat used in competitive rowing, designed for two rowers. The name implies that there is no coxswain (steerer, who faces the opposite direction) on the boat. 

But what if that WASN’T what a coxless pair was? Here are 5 other things it could be. 

5. A Sitcom About Andruw and Chipper Jones 

Retired baseball players Andruw and Chipper Jones (no relation) share an apartment together in the suburbs of Atlanta. Ever since they retired from the Braves and no longer have the guidance of their former head coach, Bobby Cox, they are always getting into trouble and can’t seem to keep get their lives together. It’s sort of like “The Odd Couple,” only a lot more terrible and with an awful premise. 

4. A Home Renovation Show Where they Don’t Use any Caulk

Joe and his wife Amanda are going to flip houses and re-do kitchens to make them amazing! But no caulk at all will be used! Oh, am I cheating by re-spelling “cox” as “caulks?”  Well, that’s how homonyms work, kiddo. Get used to it. Because a lot more of that is coming your way below. Especially dick jokes. 

3. Twins Born without the Ability to Produce Cyclooxygenase (COX) Enzymes

The lack of an ability for the body to produce prostaglandin-endoperoxide synthasem enzymes, also known as Cyclooxygenase (COX) Enzymes, would certainly limit the ability for these two children to biosynthesize prostanoids, including thromboxane and prostaglandins such as prostacyclin, from arachidonic acid. While it might not fatal, there could be some medical problems and it would certainly be the topic of some medical research if this problem was ever identified. 

2. A Cheech and Chong Movie About Cock Fighting 

This could be a terrible Cheech and Chong movie from like 1983ish where they are all caught up in the underground world of illegal cock fighting, but they lose their prized rooster (while they are high, naturally) and have to go on some huge search to find it. I dunno. Something like that. Let’s not pretend that this ranking is anything other than a filler. 

1. Bert and Ernie

No way either of them has a cock. If they did, I would have some serious questions for Sesame Street. 

Ed Ranks Social Media By How Into It Emperor Caligula Would Be

Why did I stop ranking things for a few years?

Laziness?

Okay, yes.

But also I was simply running out of ideas. I’ve ranked a LOT of things and every time I thought of something, I looked back and said, “ah, I did that in 2017.”

One thing I most certainly have NOT done before? Rank a historical figure based on their hypothetical social media preferences.

So here we go!

Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, aka “Caligula,” was the third Roman Emperor, ruling from 37 AD to 41 AD. Though some contemporary sources point to him being fairly normal, or at least starting out normal, many sources also him as a man who became increasingly self-indulgent, cruel, sadistic, extravagant, and sexually perverted.” The term “insane tyrant” is also thrown around a lot, and he also apparently demanded to be worshipped as a god. Oh yeah, and he tried to make his horse a consul (a chief magistrate of the Roman state, which by the time of emperors served in an administrative role to the ruler).  His eventual cause of death? Assassination. Which I suppose is the way that batshit insane sexual deviant rulers typically do go out.

He, of course, predated Social Media by 2000 years. But, like, what if he hadn’t? If Caligula was on social media – what would his jam be?  Let’s rank the options!

10. LinkedIn

First thing first, LinkedIn is barely even a “social media” page today, although it tries to be. I’m not saying that Caligula wouldn’t have a LinkedIn page for his official “administrative” or “work” purposes. But there is no way that he’d be the one updating it or looking at it. One of his consuls (maybe even his horse) would be assigned that task. This dude most likely spent his days gorging on grapes that slave girls hand-fed him while watching what must have been the equivalent of snuff films, so he’s not going to be paying much attention to his boring LinkedIn. Which is a shame. He could be using his professional connections to forge alliances, recruit advisors, and be more politically influential. But since he didn’t… so… you know… assassination.

9. X, Formerly Known as Twitter

Twitter famously had a 140-character limit, which made it good for short announcements or thoughts. Caligula would have probably had a guy in charge of this for him. Little quick announcements. Then that doubled to 280, which allowed for some longer statements, given that everyone was already misusing what the site was designed for and doing long-forming replies. That is probably when it would have jumped the shark for Caligula. And now? With the 4000-word limit for people who pay for whatever TwitterBlue is called these days? No way would Caligula be interested in this dumpster fire of a site. I know you can think he’d maybe be Trump-like and love Twitter, but he wouldn’t. No way would this man allow someone like a Musk to do all this crazy shit. He’d kill Musk and take the site for himself. And then forget about it.

8. Pinterest

Caligula might get around to half-paying attention to a collection of boards where he pins some of his favorite fashion trends (I mean it’s mostly different togas, right?), chariot designs, and architecture.  But the C-Dawg is more of a hedonistic, narcissistic sociopath and “pinning” other people’s content on some boards of things he likes for future reference and inspiration doesn’t seem much like his personality type. He wants to show off his stuff, not pin other people’s stuff.

7. MySpace

They had music back in ancient Rome. I know it’s a lie that Nero played the fiddle while Rome burned, since the fiddle wasn’t invented yet, but surely there were lutes and trumpets and shit, right? I’m sure there were cool imperial marching songs that Caligula might have put up on his MySpace. But what types of music do you think he’d be into? Is Caligula a glam rock guy? An emo guy? A techno music guy? I guess we’ll never know.

6. SnapChat

I don’t even know why SnapChat was a thing in the modern age, so I’m struggling to understand why Caligula would bother with it. I suppose the big innovation of SnapChat was the disappearing messages for secrecy. Which is why 15 year olds liked it so their parents couldn’t see who they were talking to. I don’t imagine Caligula cared or bothered much with the concept of “privacy.” He could basically do whatever he wanted. You know. Emperor and everything. Speaking of which…

5. Tinder

Sure, it would be fun to think of Caligula swiping right for hotties (boys, girls, horses, whatever) he was interested in, and swiping left to people he would relegate to the fighting pits. Yeah, he was a sexual deviant, so at first thought, a “hookup app” might sound like it’s right up his alley. But let’s be honest here, Caligula wouldn’t waste his time with a dating app to figure out who he was going to have sex with. He was the Emperor. He would just see someone on the street that he liked and would send in his imperial guards and… you know… that was that. He would probably have an account and everything, but on a day-to-day basis of hedonism he’d probably just have ladies (and again… boys… horses) brought to the imperial court before him so he could decide whether he’d have a go.

4. YouTube

I don’t really think of YouTube as “social media” per se like some of the other sites try to be, but it’s certainly full of “influencers” who have sites and try to get a following, so I suppose it is. I could certainly see Caligula having a brief stint as a “vlogger,” using the video format to show off his ostentatious wealth like an episode of Cribs. Show live videos of his insane banquets where he’s eating stuffed goose at a giant table and vomiting it all out after (yeah, yeah, I know the whole ‘vomitorium’ thing about Roman Emperors gorging and purging is a myth). Maybe showing off any imperial conquests. Caligula would be all about “showing off,” but I just don’t know if he’d keep up with the vlogging. So time intensive to make and edit those long-form videos. He’d get tired of it and move on to other options.

3. Facebook

I don’t think that Caligula would be that into Twitter, because I definitely get Facebook vibes from him. He wants to blast his decrees and rambling thoughts to the masses, and he’s not going to be stopped by any character limit. He’d be super political (you know, obviously promoting his own rule and policies) and would be always telling tedious, lengthy, unhinged stories (since he was batshit crazy). What I’m saying is that Caligula would essentially be using Facebook the exact same way your crazy uncle would be. Only if Caligula has ranting conspiracy theories about people wanting to assassinate him… well… he’s right.

2. TikTok / Vine

While YouTube would, in the end, be way too much work for Caligula – short form video would be fine with him. No, he wouldn’t be trying to “pioneer” (e.g. steal from Black people) any new dance moves or anything like today’s TikTok. But bite-sized clips are an easy way for Caligula to make imperial decrees and show off his extravagant wealth and power.  Long form video tends to show too much of the man behind the curtain, Wizard of Oz style. The quick TikToks or Vines allow him to show off his larger-than-life rule as the emperor and avoid additional context or a need to edit anything into a cohesive story. Caligula, like modern sociopaths, love TikTok.

1. Instagram

Even easier than doing videos is doing photos, and Intstragram allows the ability to do videos as well, so it’s sort of the best of both worlds. But the photos can be edited and manipulated. Maybe take a few pounds off any selfies, you know? Caligula is definitely gonna be a visual media guy. He doesn’t need video to flaunt his opulent lifestyle. His lavish marble palaces, banquets of food pouring out of literal cornucopias, his selfies at the chariot races and standing over the bodies of slaughtered gladiators… all of it is perfect for the Insta. And in addition to posting his own stuff, I can see him scrolling through the feed of any hot Roman girls (or boys… or horses) and hitting that “double tap” for “like.” And if he likes something you put up, you basically know you have to respond and/or show up to his palace door naked and ready.

So there you have it, folks. I’m CLEARLY not running out of ideas for things to rank.

Clearly.