Ed Ranks Everything

Thursday, June 13, 2024

Ed Re-Ranks Olivia Rodrigo Songs because… he’s obsessed?

Like I said before: Rockstar

One of the first things I did when Ed Ranks Everything came back in 2023 was rank “every” Olivia Rodrigo song. Although it wasn’t really “every” every Olivia Rodrigo song. Like, I wasn’t an O Rod expert or anything. I was aware of her existence since 2021, however 2023 was when I was like “oh shit, she’s SUPER good” and I just went ahead and downloaded both SOUR and GUTS and did the rankings.

Since then, I’ve basically become a full-blown Livie (aka RodrigHO). Yeah, it’s pretty sad. Or awesome? I meant to say awesome. I am very aware that I, a 42 year old man, am not her target audience. But damn she's great.

ANYWAY, because I’m now a fan and know a little (okay, a LOT) more about her music, I have decided that her promotional single “All I Want” should definitely count towards her ranked discography, despite it coming from her pre-Geffen time in the Disney factory. Although nothing else from her Disney time (including “The Rose Song” or anything from Bizzardvark) should count. Why? I mean come on, let’s show a little some common sense here. Although maybe this one from Bizzardvark should count. Hrm. Maybe one day Ed Re-Re-Ranks Rodrigo?

And also, like a day after I did my rankings last time she dropped the new single from The Hunger Games prequel. And then in March 2024, her four “hidden tracks” from four various vinyl GUTS editions dropped digitally along with a fifth new song. And of course she covered “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan, which I initially wasn’t going to rank because it was just a live performance, but then that live performance was put on a vinyl Record Store Day exclusive album. So I guess it counts, huh?

That gives me eight new songs I need to place into the Olivia Rodrigo rankings. And not only that… but you know what? Opinions can change. That November 2023 ranking represents a time when I had listened to her albums a handful of times versus now when I’ve listened to them approximately 37 trillion times.

So here’s what I’m going to do:

With 8 new songs added to the original ranked 23, I know have a canonical list of 31 Olivia Rodrigo songs to rank. I will do just that.
The 8 new songs will the same have fuller details and reviews, similar to the original November rankings, including Memorable Lyrics, Number of Swear Words (FUCK YEAH!), and an analysis.
For the 23 songs I previously ranked, I won’t go into those full details again, but I will provide any brief follow-up thoughts months later, especially if my ranking of that song changed.
Also for those initial 23 songs, I’ll track how much they changed in the rankings (or if it stayed the same). Note that the rise or fall will only be based on how it compares in rankings among the original 23. So my least favorite song would have been ranked 23 the last time around – but would be ranked 31 this time. If it’s the same song (spoiler: it is) then technically I could say it “fell 8 spots” from 23 to 31. But in actuality it didn’t. It’s where it was before, there are just new songs in the mix.

Anyway, here we go:

31. 1 step forward, 3 steps back (same ranking)

Same ranking as before. Still my least favorite OR song. Rodrigo herself on her ongoing GUTS World Tour is playing every song from GUTS and all but two songs from SOUR – with this song being one of the ones she’s dropped from her set list.

30. enough for you (same ranking)

Same ranking as before. I’ve since watched some videos of her doing this live with an acoustic guitar, and I’ll admit it made me think about the position. Playing a guitar is SUPER COOL. She really puts a lot of emotion into it, and on tour says it’s her favorite song from SOUR. But the lyrics about prom queens and not being “exciting” or “interesting” enough made me realize that it belongs right here. You know, sometimes I’m simply just not going to relate to some song written by a 17-year-old girl going through heartbreak. Go figure!

29. hope ur ok (-1⬇️)

Initially I thought I might rank “enough for you” above this. I did not. I’m not exactly sure what “address the letters to the holes in my butterfly wings” means, but it sounds a lot cooler than any lyrics in those bottom two. This is the other SOUR song that O-Rod left off the set list for her the GUTS World Tour.

28. lacy (+1⬆️)

I’ll admit that this song has grown on me just a TINY little. Coming on GUTS right after “vampire” certainly helps me listen to it more often, when I’m listening to the album in order (which, I do, like, every day) and am too lazy to dig for my phone skip it. But for these rankings, that “growing on me” is only one spot. Lots of folks love this song. It’s not for me.

27. Can’t Catch Me Now (🆕)

Memorable Lyrics: “I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere / But you can't catch me now”
Number of Swear Words: 0
Analysis: I don’t dislike this song, but it barely feels like an OR song. Rather than being a deeply personal song like most of her songs, she takes herself out of her own shoes and sings a song from the POV of a movie character. Eh, this one just doesn’t hit me in the feels. It’s not bad. None of her songs are bad. It just feels like she made an okay song for a movie, which is exactly what she did. Also, no swear words. Lame. And why does this song title have uppercase letters? Lowercase letters only in song titles, Rodrigo! Those are the Rodrigo rules, and you should know because you made the Rodrigo rules.

26. pretty isn't pretty (-2⬇️)

Again, I actually like this song. Being ranked 25/30, and it falling two spots from where it was initially ranked doesn’t mean I dislike it. There are great lyrics, I get what she’s going for here with the theme of societal pressures being thrown at women. Plus it has some solid trademark Rodrigo filthy language in it. Really this song didn’t “fall” in my rankings as much as other songs rose up. I feel exactly the same about it as I did in November. Solid song, but not the top of my playlist.

25. jealousy, jealousy (-2⬇️)

I still sort of lump this song and “pretty isn’t pretty” together – even though they aren’t exactly about the same theme. As they’re linked in my head and in my preferences, they both dropped down 2 together as other songs moved up.

24. girl i’ve always been (🆕)

Memorable Lyrics: “Well, I have captors I call friends / I got panic rooms inside my head”
Number of Swear Words: 0
Analysis: Lyrically, this secret track from GUTS (the purple vinyl edition that I bought, because of course I did) plays with some clever stuff. The “captors I call friends” are certainly reminiscent of, and most likely refer to the very same, “fair-weather friends” she gets drunk at the club with in “making the bed.” Personally, the lyrics and theme (I haven’t changed, but your expectations of me have) are great… but… I… I just can’t take that twang. I don’t know whether to call it “country” or “folk,” but it’s just not my cup of tea. What SoCal pop rock girl comes up with lyrics like “I get down with crooked men”? I mean Rodrigo is a genius singer-songwriter, has done Tiny Desk on NPR twice, played at Austin City Limits, covered Stick Season by Noah Kahan, etc… so the notion that she MIGHT have it in her to go a little country/folk was never an impossibility. I just don’t love it. If she re-arranged this as a rock song, or even as a more traditional pop song, I think it could love it. But once that little twang gets added… oh man… it gets rough for me. Oh, and by the way… the version released digitally on GUTS (spilled) is different than the secret track on the purple GUTS vinyl… and I honestly like the version on the vinyl better. Much less twangy. Might have been ranked higher without the twang.

23. Stick Season (🆕 Noah Kahan cover)

Memorable Lyrics: “And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim / I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas”
Number of Swear Words: 0
Analysis: Ok, this is a cover song and I initially didn’t initially include it when writing this. But as mentioned in the opening - it was released on vinyl and it did chart (along with Noah Kahan covering “lacy” on the B-side) and was the hottest selling album of RSD 2024, so I suppose it counts. Hard to rank it high as an Olivia Rodrigo song because it’s not her writing and it’s very tough to put it up against Kahan’s original iconic version which is still charting 2 years later. But such a great song and she does such a fantastic version of it. Kudos to Kahan for rhyming “half my fault” with “alcohol” because who the hell comes up with that kind of stuff? Great song and great cover. And honestly, as much as “lacy” isn’t my favorite either – Kahan’s flipside version is solid too.

22. teenage dream (-6⬇️)

“teenage dream” takes the biggest plummet since my initial rankings. It was originally ranked 11 of 23, but has now fallen 6 down spots within those 23. Great song, but as I said before: it’s really a victim of me beginning to like other songs more, rather than me liking this song less. Also, in hindsight, the GUTS album crushed it and Rodrigo simply keeps getting better and better - so it’s hard to relate to some of this song’s worries about the future and whether she’ll still be thought of as any good. Still, when she wrote it only SOUR had come out… so a dread-filled song about the end of her teenage years and whether she’d only be remembered for her first album was a valid theme for a sophomore closing number.

21. happier (+3⬆️)

As I've been hinting to, other songs didn’t drop in my rankings as much songs like “happier” rose up. Like which songs though? THIS ONE. In my original ranking for this song, I said I love the pettiness in it. In those initial rankings I was overwhelmed by the vast number of acoustic, minimalist heartbreak ballads, so when OR turned to other themes on songs like “jealousy, jealousy” it was a refreshing break for me. But now all of those sad, angry, and petty heartbreak songs just feel like the purest form of Rodrigo to me. “happier” could have risen even higher, but the incredible “deja vu” is thematically similar enough to sort of relegate “happier” here. Still, a classic OR song and the one that she performed online which made producer Dan Nigro reach out to her and say “YOINK, let’s break you out from Disney. You’re coming to Geffen Records because you’re too good for that Mickey Mouse pop shit.” I presume that was the conversation. Maybe not those exact words. It was a great decision.

20. making the bed (-3⬇️)

Sounding like a broken record, but same as with “teenage dream” and others. This fell three spots because my initial preferences tilted towards any song that wasn’t a heartbreak ballad… because they were wearing me out. Now? Now a bunch of those are on the “never skip” list. I still enjoy this song about Rodrigo’s disillusionment with sudden fame, and her self-critiquing / taking personal responsibility in situations when she knew better.

19. All I Want (🆕)

Memorable Lyrics: “All I have is myself at the end of the day / But shouldn't that be enough for me?”
Number of Swear Words: 0 (but to be fair… this is a Disney song)
Analysis: “New” to this list, but in fact this is the OLDEST song ranked here. If she didn’t write this little ditty (which is far too damned good for a Disney mockumentary show about High School Musical), there would be no people going “holy shit, did this 16-year-old girl just write a song that is far too fucking good for a Disney mockumentary show?” and then she wouldn’t have been whisked away to Geffen Records as a singer-songwriter, and then she’d have never dropped “drivers license” on the world. That’s got to be worth something, right? In terms of the song itself? Yeah. Catchy. Cute. Even though it’s hypothetically from the perspective of a character she was playing on the show (or a character she was playing playing another character... meta) – the theme of moving on from past relationships is 100% Rodrigo gold. This song had “future star” written all over it, so I guess that “guy” at the beginning of this song was right.

18. stranger (🆕)

Memorable Lyrics: “You are the best thing that I'll ever keep so far out of my life”
Number of Swear Words: 0
Analysis: Love the lyrics and love the theme. Rodrigo has so many songs about heartbreak which imply she’s not quite over her ex’es… despite recognizing that they are liars and traitors (traitor), sociopaths (good 4 u), bloodsuckers and famefuckers (vampire), master manipulators (logical), weird second string losers (love is embarrassing), etc. But here in “stranger”? She’s moved on and is at peace, and it finally feels nice (so nice). In this song, she references making a pot of coffee and thinking back to all the stupid shit she did for “just some guy.” Compare that to “enough for you” where she also references making a coffee, but in terms of knowing how her guy likes it. Well now the coffee is all for her and fuck that guy. “stranger” is absolutely a “I’ve moved on from how I felt earlier” song and it’s a wonderful GUTS hidden (blue vinyl edition) and GUTS (spilled) deluxe track. My only issue? As with “girl i’ve always been”… just a little too much of that “folk” sound for my personal taste. Again, I could see how a more mainstream rock or pop arrangement could make this a solid single. Like “girl i’ve always been” I think the secret track version on the vinyl might be slightly different from the GUTS (spilled) 2024 release, but I don’t have that vinyl (yet), so I can’t judge it. Same for the next one.

17. scared of my guitar (🆕)

Memorable Lyrics: “So I'll lay in your arms and pretend that it's love”
Number of Swear Words: 0
Analysis: Geez, what a harsh and bleak song, but then again this is Rodrigo so I want that. Rather than a song like “logical” about a gaslighting partner – OR is admitting to gaslighting herself here. She knows that she’s with the wrong guy, the relationship isn’t working, but she lies to herself and to everyone pretending she’s fine. Only when she picks up her guitar and writes songs can she finally admit the truth – hence being scared of said instrument (it’s not cursed or anything). This one was on the white vinyl version of GUTS before dropping on (spilled) and some of these lyrics just make you feel that relationship pain of feeling trapped in a situation where you want to leave but feel like you can’t do any better because “cause how could I ever / Trade somethin' that's good for what's right?”. She sings about barely being able to “sleep when you sleep next to me” in this song, and a similar set of words is also used on another (spilled) song – “so american,” which states “But man it's hard to sleep when he's with me.” And although notionally similar, here in this song the tone seems to imply she can’t sleep because she’s living in existential dread while trapped in an awful relationship, versus “so american” where I’m pretty sure the lyrics imply “lol can’t sleep cuz we fuck so much.” If I were to create a “lifecycle of an Olivia Rodrigo” relationship timeline – this song is set during a shitty relationship, which predates the themes of most songs which are set after relationships are over and she’s in a miserable and broken state. Fortunately, we now know from “stranger” that she will eventually reach that “and now I’ve moved on and am happy” stage… so I guess good 4 her.

16. logical (same ranking)

logical winds up ranked in the same place it was before in comparison to the initial 23 songs I ranked. Didn’t rise, didn’t fall. Good song. Love the anger and sarcasm that bleeds through it. The words “master manipulator” make for such an iconic opening. Also I'm a big fan of doing math incorrectly - that's probably the most common thing my own teenage years had with OR's lyrics.

15. ballad of a homeschooled girl (-3⬇️)

Still love the witty and fun lyrics in this rock-forward song, all about embarrassment and self-cringe. But then again, its cringe isn’t as great as the cringe of “love is embarrassing,” so there’s that. As with others I’ve mentioned, this one did not fall three spots as much as three other songs simply jumped. I’ll talk about those soon enough, after covering another new GUTS (spilled) entry…

14. so american (🆕)

Memorable Lyrics: “Oh, God, I'm gonna marry him / If he keeps this shit up”
Number of Swear Words: 2 (shit x 2)
Analysis: Well, here we finally have it guys. After 31 Olivia Rodrigo songs… the newest and final bonus track song off of GUTS (spilled) is the very first one that is actually a HAPPY LOVE SONG. This is the only one in her entire released discography. She’s presently in a relationship with a guy. It’s happy. It’s healthy. She might just be in lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love. And although she refuses to ever confirm what or who any of her songs are about (famously answering “ur mom” if asked) – since she’s dating that British actor dude from Enola Holmes, it doesn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out which man she might be in love with and who calls her “so American.” Although I gotta say… if “deja vu” was meant to criticize her ex for doing all the things with his new girl that he used to do with her, the fact that Rodrigo sings “He says I'm pretty wearin' his clothes” means that SHE TOO is also recycling the same things they she used to do with her ex (trading jackets / laughing 'bout how small it looks on you). So, I mean, like… her ex could legitimately “deja vu” her right back about how now she’s the one who shouldn’t “act like we didn't do that shit too.” ANYWAY…I’m legitimately happy for her. I wish her all the best and hope it is true love and she has a long, successful relationship and life with him. Buuuuut… and I’m certainly not wishing anything bad at all… BUT BUT BUT if things don’t work out and start to go… SOUR?… I mean… think of all the amazing music that she will create. Not that she can’t also create happy music, but COME ON. I’ll enjoy this one happy Olivia Rodrigo love song, but let’s not make this a habit. I NEED that angst, anger, bitterness, and sadness. Hey, and speaking of which…

13. traitor (+6⬆️)

Welcome to all killer, no filler. Songs 13 and above are all 100% on my “never skip” list. I’ll listen to these all the time. Every day. Maybe multiple times a day. “traitor” took the biggest jump in my rankings, rising 6 spots when compared to the original 23 songs (where it had initially been a lowly #18). Going from an initial ranking of 18 out of 23 to its current position of 13 out of 31 is like an MLB batter rising from a .217 batting average to a .419 batting average. That’s like going from the Mendoza line to Rogers Hornsby (look, I’m aware that the Venn Diagram of “Olivia Rodrigo Fans” and “people who make old baseball stat references” has very small overlap… but that’s the exact spot where I land). When I first ranked this song, I was not particularly enthralled by what I called “slow, piano-based, minimalist heartbreak ballads.” I was wrong. I fucking love this sad, angry song. And it’s actually not so minimalist. A lot going on in it. I cannot believe I used to skip it because I didn’t want to hear “that little Mexican girl who be crying all the time” again. Now? Now I’m that dude who will just scream out at random times “YOU BETRAYYYYYED ME!”

12. favorite crime (+4⬆️)

When I first ranked this song, I said I “kinda dig this one.” It had already been on the rise in my head after the first couple of times I heard it, and it’s only continued to rise in the songs I love since then. Especially when she hits the last chorus and just starts howling ALL THE THINGS I DID!!!!!!! FYI I’m typing this with one hand because the other is waving a lighter in the air right now. Or cell phone, I guess, right? They use cell phones now at concerts to wave around because it’s 2024.

11. the grudge (-1⬇️)

It hurts me that “the grudge” fell one spot. I debated this one. At first it fell down one and then I said “screw that and screw you too” and pushed it back up. But then I thought deep and hard about what I would eventually rank as #10 and reluctantly dropped “the grudge” down. Which sucks because I love it so much. Fantastic song and I feel like there are days it could be #1 for me. Some people think it’s another song about a shitty boyfriend. Some people think it’s about Taylor Swift being a giant cunt (it’s far more likely that this is about Ms. Kelce than “vampire” is). Chances are it’s about a lot of different things because, you know, songwriters can do that and write a song about more than one thing. Obviously if you ask her she’ll say it’s about “ur mom,” but in the end I guess the listeners all get to make their own meanings. I think about the brilliance of the 30-ish seconds of rapid gunfire lyrics in this song between “The arguments that I have won against you in my head…” and “…But, man, those cuts were never equal” all the time.

10. drivers license (+4⬆️)

Wheeeee!
In my original ranking I literally said these stupid fucking words, and I quote my own dumb fucking self: “sort of surprising that this was the particular minimalist ballad about heartbreak that launched her career because this album is loaded with minimalist heartbreak ballads and this song doesn’t stand out to me as particularly above some of the others.” Fortunately, right after that I also said, “What the fuck do I know though?” At least I was right with that second part. I made a call in that first ranking, and it was the wrong call. But I get it now. You can excuse me for not fully “getting it” at first. I was most certainly not the target audience for this song about a naïve young girl being absolutely devastated by the end of her relationship like it was the end of the world. Somehow the phenomenon of this song never reached me during it’s original run, and I never even heard about OR until “good 4 u” dropped months later. January 2021? Was probably a little too worried about a fucking fascist coup to overthrow the United States to bother keeping up on Billboard charts. But every time I hear this song again, I understand a little bit more why this is the song that exploded her career, dominated the Hot 100 for 8 weeks, and broke a bajillion records. Mea culpa. All in all with these re-rankings, a lot of SOUR songs are doing a lot better. The first time I ranked, I underappreciated SOUR. This time? Notsomuch.

9. love is embarrassing (same ranking)

This one also sits exactly where it sat before on the pantheon of Rodrigo songs. It’s 8 swear words and additional blasphemous lyrics still make it technically the most lyrically vulgar song, which is AWESOME. Like with the newer “stranger,” Rodrigo has moved on from a toxic relationship and is so over it, but in a fun and self-deprecating way.

8. bad idea right? (-3⬇️)

Like “the grudge,” it sucks that “bad idea right?” had to fall down. I do not love this song any less. It’s just that my reassessment of SOUR made me love other songs more. Great song, great music video. How can you not like a song about messy girls making absolutely terrible decisions? GUTS is a fantastic album and this track is such a great song. Just like it’s sister song, which fell with it…

7. get him back! (-3⬇️)

Same as before. Technically fell but I still love it just as much. Rodrigo uses this as her show closer on her GUTS World Tour, which is absolutely the right decision. It’s fun, it’s witty, it’s sarcastic, it’s a banger. I wanna go out and key someone’s car and upper cut them right fucking now every time I hear this. It feels crazy to me that it’s “only” ranked #7 now because this song is amazing.

6. obsessed (🆕)

Memorable Lyrics: “You both have moved on / You don't even talk / But I can't help it / I got issues / I can't help it, baby”
Number of Swear Words: 1 (Fuckin’)
Analysis: The final of the new entrants to the list, and which Rodrigo dropped as her latest single with a new music video, despite not initially appearing on GUTS until the deluxe (spilled) edition (other than as a hidden track on the red vinyl version). This song kicks ass and is so good. It clearly deserved to be on the album, so it must have been intentionally left off specifically so that the deluxe release would have a certified hit single. Rodrigo had this on her live playlist for her GUTS World Tour before (spilled) dropped, which only drove up interest for it more and more. And if you thought the lyrics to “lacy” and/or the music video for “deja vu” were perhaps “slightly sapphic,” then OH WOW the lyrics to this one go way beyond slightly. And a nice call back reference to “all-american bitch” with the lips/hips thing here. Or potentially not a callback if this was an earlier-written song that sat on the shelf for a while (which seems to be the case). As always, fans speculate which boyfriend and which boyfriend’s ex this is about (although the “I’ve seen every movie she's been in” lyric gives us a good hint that it’s an actress) but more important than that is that this song rocks. I initially thought about placing it at #3 until, well, I re-examined my thoughts on SOUR…

5. good 4 u (same ranking)

This is the first Olivia Rodrigo song that I ever heard, and was the first Olivia Rodrigo music video I ever saw. I watched it, thought it was fine, and then proceeded to not really think a whole lot about Olivia Rodrigo songs until GUTS came out two years later. Only after “vampire” did I go back and more fully appreciate her and start listening to everything. This cool fucking rock song (it’s a rock song, don’t question it) will always hold a special place in my heart.

4. brutal (+2⬆️)

In my initial ranking, where this came it at #6 I said, “Honestly, I love this song so much I keep thinking to myself ‘it can't possibly be all the way down at #6... it HAS to be ranked higher!’” I was correct. I’ve now leap-frogged it over my previously favorite SOUR song, “good 4 u”, as well as some absolute bangers from GUTS. “brutal” is great. From what I understand it was one of the last songs written for SOUR, and it absolutely serves as a preamble to the album. Her lyrics are like a brief overview of everything you’re going to be hearing on the upcoming songs, so, like, get ready. What a way for her first song on her first album to start. I sort of always knew this one would move up and it did. It is a snappy, fast, 2 minutes and 23 seconds of angst, insecurity, and sloppy distorted guitars. “I want it to be, like, messy” indeed.

3. deja vu (+5⬆️)

When I first started re-ranking, this had the same ranking as before. But I needed to be honest with myself… I LOVE THIS SONG. Deliciously spiteful lyrics towards her ex’s new relationship. Banger. Great verses. Great chorus. Epic bridge. Zero notes. SOUR is such a better album than I initially thought it was, and up until a few seconds ago I still placed “brutal” above this until I flipped the two. Even though “brutal” is a more rockin song that I should like more… “deja vu” is the song on SOUR I most hit replay on. Mostly because of the pettiness. SO. DAMNED. PETTY.

2. all-american bitch (same ranking)

Same spot it was before: #2. I don’t know what else I can say that I didn’t say last time about this song. The lyrics from front to end are fast-paced, relentless, and witty. Seeing videos of her doing this song live on tour are incredible, and this song kills it every time. For live versions, she’s also replaced the lyric “perfect All-american hips” with “perfect All-american tits,” going back to an initial version of the lyrics that the studio had told her to maybe calm down a little with because she was maybe swearing TOO much (obviously that’s wrong). Sometimes I think this song could jump to #1 with how good it is. But that’s not happening today.

1. vampire (same ranking)

This is still the best Olivia Rodrigo song, and it is still awesome for all the reasons I said last time. I still keep seeing articles that are like “OMG this is about Taylor Swift” which is dumb because it’s clearly written about an ex-boyfriend. Like, are you even listening to the lyrics? It’s more “rock opera” than “rock,” but the lines are incredible and the song itself hits all the marks with how it slowly builds and builds and builds. Stairway to Heaven. Bohemian Rhapsody. November Rain. Purple Rain. “vampire” is up there with them all in terms of “oh shit, what an incredible song progression,” I’m not kidding. I said what I said. It should be mentioned with those songs.

Thursday, May 16, 2024

Ed Ranks Mobsters by Nickname Coolness

This Machine Gun Kelly can't rap.
But neither can the other one.

Look, I’m in no way endorsing organized crime here (other than that it’s SUPER AWESOME – DO IT, KIDS!), but sometimes mobsters are just cool because they have cool nicknames. In the annals of crime history, there exists a unique tradition of mobsters and gangsters who have transcended mere notoriety to become legends in their own right. Central to their mystique of many of them are the monikers they adopted. Hey, it’s going to be a lot easier to be remembered if you have a cool nickname, right?

An honorable mention to a few who didn’t make the cut by my rules. These are the people who have nicknames that aren’t their real names, and that you definitely remember. But you might not even be aware that those aren’t “real” names because they sort of sound like they might be actual given names: Charles "Lucky" Luciano, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel, George "Bugs" Moran, and James "Whitey" Bulger. Famous, right? And nicknames, right? But not what I’m going for here.

And now? The top 10!

10. Joseph "Joe Bananas" Bonanno

The Italian-American boss of the Bonanno crime family, which he ran from 1931 to 1968. Most famous for his attempt to assassinate several rivals on the Mafia Commission before going into hiding and then after, retirement. “Joe Bananas” is certainly a cool name, yeah. But you gotta admit it’s just a fairly lazy name play on his real name. Not a ton of effort, huh? Although I guess it might sound threatening if you like think he’s “bananas” like unhinged crazy and could do anything. But he wasn’t called that because he was a psychometric nutjob who would go off the rails and kill people. He was called that because it sort of sounded like his last name.

9. Donald "The Wizard of Odds" Angelini

One of the more modern names on this list (at least in terms of him becoming famous), Angelini came to fame in the late 1980s when he was arrested under the relatively new RICO Act for… yep… you get it… a variety of things related to racketeering, gambling, skimming, all that good stuff. I mean how else are you doing to get the nickname Wizard of Odds unless you’re an illicit gambling legend? Cool nickname, but near the bottom of the pack.

8. Anthony "Big Tuna/Joe Batters" Accardo

This guy had not one but TWO nicknames, although obviously BIG TUNA is the coolest of the two and the reason why he’s on the list. Big Tuna (not the name of the mascot of StarKist… remember… that's "Charlie") was a looooong serving mobster in "The Chicago Outfit." And by that I mean he used to work for Al Capone (more on him later, naturally) but was still alive until 1992. Seems like he got the name after he caught a huge tuna... which is like... duh, okay, I guess that makes sense. He was caught on a wiretap admitting to be part of the infamous St. Valentine's Day Massacre (or maybe he was bragging - hard to prove). By the 1940s he was largely in charge of the Chicago mob on a day-to-day basis, and by the 1970s he was the official "boss." Oh, also Joey and Nick Bosa from the NFL are related to him. Fun fact? Maybe! Probably not so fun to the families of the people he was involved in murdering.

7. Albert "Tick-Tock" Tannenbaum

Ignoring the relationship with the Chinese app TikTok that the cool kiddos like to watch Charlie D'Amelio (the full name of the StarKist mascot, presumably) steal dances from Black people on... Tick-Tock is just sort of a awesome name. Is it the coolest? No, that's why it's here at #7. Does his name refer to time ticking down as he's about to kill you? I don't know. I didn't research that much. However, the "killing you" thing is legit because he was a hitman-for-hire, working for the infamous "Murder, Inc." - the brutal enforcement arm of the National Crime Syndicate. Wow. Murder, Inc and National Crime Syndicate are super cool names. I guess in the early days of mobster-ing they had the opportunity to take the coolest names. Notably, Tick-Tock was also Jewish! So great to see that despite all the bias, hate, and oppression back then, this Jewish kid could pick himself up by the bootstraps, overcome discrimination, and be whatever he wanted to be! And in this case... be a murderer!

6. Francis "Cadillac Frank" Salemme

Cadillac Frank is a cool AF name. Sounds like he should be a car dealer, right? You see him on local cheesy commercials. But no, instead this guy was a hitman for, and eventually the boss of, the Patriarca crime family of New England. Before turning government witness (e.g. snitch), that is. After his arrest in the 90s, he turned evidence to reduce his sentence and entered the Witness Protection Program upon his release from prison in the 2000s. However, murdering mobsters aren't always the most trustworthy of people and he apparently lied about a bunch of stuff like an extra murders he was involved in. So back to prison he went where he died in 2022... surprisingly (for a snitch) of old age. Not all New England mob bosses can say the same thing... looking at you, Whitey Bulger.

5. John "The Teflon Don" Gotti

It was an iconic name. Teflon Don - the leader of the Gambino Crime family. It rhymed. It implied that things never "stick" to him. He gets in all sort of trouble, but the charges never stick and he gets away. Great nickname, although it was more of a "media" nickname rather than a cool thing he was actually called in actual mobster meetings. Some of the coolness of that "nothing sticks to him" nickname was also undermined by the fact that... well... things eventually stuck to him. For instance, his 1992 convictions for murder, conspiracy, conspiracy to commit murder, loansharking, racketeering, obstruction of justice, illegal gambling, and tax evasion - which wound up with him being sentenced to life in prison without parole. Still, he already had earned the nickname by then, and there are no backsies with nicknames.

4. George "Baby Face" Nelson

One of the OG gangsters from the golden age of gangsters and one of the first to have a super cool nickname. Honestly, Baby Face Nelson only lived to be 25 years old, so it's not like he was some man in his 40s who had an incredibly young-looking face. He was simply basically a really young guy. And by "guy" I mean "murderer." Baby Face Nelson to this day remains responsible for the death of more FBI agents than any other criminal. At least that’s what some source from like 2001 says and I’m assuming it’s still the case? He was a bank robber and criminal partner of John "Public Enemy Number One" Dillinger. But in the end (for Nelson, at least), the FBI would keep that baby face looking young when agents gunned him down at the "The Battle of Barrington," which is a hella cool name. FBI raids don't ever get cool "battle of" names like that anymore. Like it's some sort of Civil War battle or something. But not. Just a Great Depression / Prohibition Era gunfight in the suburbs of Chicago.

3. Israel "Ice Pick Willie" Alderman

Ice Pick Willie is such a damn cool name, I can't believe it. If someone was introduced to me as "Ice Pick Willie" - I would be absolutely terrified of this person. The story goes that in the 30s and 40s he was a notoriously brutal gangster from Minneapolis who ran a speakeasy and bragged about killing 11 people with an icepick. And honestly, all you need to do is kill one person with an Ice Pick to get that nickname. 11 seems like... well... I don't know if it's one of those stories where the numbers grew over time, but I certainly wouldn't call him out over it because, as stated, one ice pick murder is enough. He is described by one source as "notoriously homicidal." Eventually he'd move out to Vegas where he'd become a casino guy. Which is so mobster!

2. Al "Scarface" Capone

Scarface is such an iconic nickname... maybe it's surprising that it's coming it at #2 rather than #1. He's certainly the most famous mobster, right? I mean who’s more famous than Al Capone? That's sort of a mixed bag for this ranking - as Al Capone is so famous that he's sort of just famous for being Al Capone and he doesn't even need to be "Scarface." But he is! And such a cool fucking nickname that dozens of fictional characters have also been named that. As you might guess - he had some scars on his face. Nearly all the most famous pictures of him don't show them though, as it was on the left side of his face and he did a fairly good job at never posing for pictures showing that side. I think even cops were polite to him with that insecurity after he was arrested, because most mugshots don't really show the scars either. But there are a few photos circling out there which show the wounds. I feel like Ice Pick Willie def loved his nickname... Scarface? Not so much. How did he get those scars? (no Joker joke) Apparently he "inadvertently" insulted a woman, and the woman's brother slashed his face for it. So of course he lied to people about it and said they were World War I wounds. He didn't say "World War I wounds" at the time because there wasn't a World War II yet, so that would have really freaked people out. Anyway... uh... Do I need to explain who this guy is? He's the subject of like a bajillion movies and books. He is the co-founder and boss of the Chicago Outfit (same one as big Tuna), and he basically ran the city of Chicago for 7 years between 1925 and 1931... which was a lucrative time for a mobster to run a city because, you know, prohibition. He's also very famous for the whole "pay your taxes" because the feds could never get him for any of his bootlegging and murdering - but tax evasion? Yeup. His downfall.

1. George "Machine Gun" Kelly

Sure, Scarface is the most famous mobster nickname, but when I think of 20s/30s mobsters... you gotta think of guys in suits and fedoras saying "hey there wise guy, how'd ya like a taste of this Tommy gun, see?" And no mobster nickname is more that than Machine Gun Kelly. Like... the REAL Machine Gun Kelly. Not the failed white rapper who decided he was going to do “rock” (air quotes) and date that chick from Transformers and Ninja Turtles who can't act. He was a bootlegger. Armed Robber. Kidnapper (he famously held oil tycoon Charles Urschel for ransom... a kidnapping that would eventually lead to Kelly's arrest and downfall). And he was obviously famous for utilizing his favorite weapon: the Thompson submachine gun. After his arrest, he'd go on to spend his remaining years in Alcatraz. Fun name and fun story, right?

Friday, May 3, 2024

Ed Ranks Forms of Brassica Oleracea

Did you know that a lot of the vegetables you eat are actually, biologically, the same stupid plant species?

Yep. Through cultivation of desirable traits and hybridization and… uh… like other science biology stuff. Sorry, I didn’t do great in High School biology. That was a time I got really into stuff like WCW and the now being 4 lyfe… so I sort of didn’t do a swell job at paying attention.

Brassica Oleracea. In it’s original form before human fucking-around-with (again… a biological term, I think) it is simply “wild cabbage.” But after cultivation it became a whole bunch of different “cabbage family” foods.

Here they are, ranked.

10. Kohlrabi

Who eats kohlrabi? Absolutely no one. This version of the cabbage was bred to have a big root to eat. Which at first sounds gross, until you think about other similar plants like Brassica rapa, which can be delicious either in a leaf cultivar form (bok choi or Napa cabbage) or in a root form (turnips!) Well, kohlrabi might want to be the Brassica Oleracea version of turnips, but it’s not.

9. Kalette

This one was almost too obscure to rank, because it’s a hybrid of two cultivars: kale and brussels sprouts. Oh, so spoiler alert: kale and brussels sprouts are coming up later on the list. Anyway. This is… edible. It’s like little small kale. Nothing to write hope about.

8. Gai Lan

Sometimes called “Chinese broccoli” or “Chinese kale.” You’ve maybe seen this cut up leafy veggie with a thick stem as part of dim sum. Buy beyond that? Eh, its culinary uses are rather limited. Not exactly the most diverse member of the cabbage family. Plus a later item on this list is a hybrid with another thing that makes it better.

7. “Cabbage”

Okay, so there are actually quite a few different sub-species of cabbage, but for the most part (other than some things like Napa cabbage), all the most popularly consumed cabbages are Brassica Oleracea. This includes savoy cabbage, red cabbage, even a lot of those “decorative” cabbages they sell that you’re not supposed to eat. Why does cabbage rank so low when it’s actually the mother and “truest” form of this plant? Because… eh… well… it’s just cabbage. Kind of boring, right? No wonder we cultivated it and manipulated it into becoming tastier things. But not kohlrabi. That one was a mistake.

6. Collard Greens

I do like collard greens, but like gai lan it suffers from a “you only use it for one thing” type of problem. Southern-style greens using collards are delicious, but honestly you can make the same recipe with other greens too and it tastes about the same after stewing in a pot with onions and pork fat and all those delicious spices. Mad respect to these greens, but there are five better cultivars.

5. Cauliflower

Cauliflower is nice and crunchy, and you can dip it in things like hummus. But let’s not pretend it’s anything other than broccoli’s less tasty, pale-ass cousin. Still, given how dense it is, it survives really well with all sorts of breading and frying techniques. I’ve sucked personally at trying to make things like “cauliflower steaks” but I’ve been to some restaurants of all types (Indian, Mexican) that do AMAZING things to cauliflower.

4. Kale

Kale had its moments when everyone was making kale salads, drying kale to make kale chips, blending up kale to put in everything. That fad has mostly passed, but kale is still good. It’s probably like my #2 leafy veggie after spinach. You can use it in a million different ways and I guess it’s, like, healthy or something?

3. Brussels Sprouts

Brussels sprouts absolutely sucked when I was a kid. At first I just blamed my parent’s cooking. And maybe that is partially to blame. I remember lots of microwaving and boiling in my childhood. But then I also read an article about how Brussels sprouts got hybridized for size and looks for several years, at the cost of flavor – eventually becoming bitter garbage. That bitter garbage is what I remember from my childhood. Now Brussels sprouts tastes better. Is it just part of me growing up and having a more sophisticated palette? Perhaps somewhat – but apparently the food industry eventually realized that they made Brussels sprouts taste like shit, and since that time has corrected their ways and bred them to be tastier. And wow some people sure know how to cook these things up great. Now you can get Brussels sprouts in so many crispy and delicious ways it’s made me forget all about the bitter microwaved baby cabbage of my childhood.

2. Broccolini

Broccolini is the better gai lan hybrid that I was referring to earlier (and if you can’t guess what other plant the gai lan is hybridized with, perhaps you should go back and re-read this entry name). I’ve seen it used very much in the same way that gai lan is used. In fact, I’m sure that here in the US, most dim sum places actually use broccolini instead of gai lan. But broccolini one ups its cousin by having that nicer, broccoli-like head. It can be used much more widely than just dim sum, and it’s an excellent choice to marinate and grill. Sometimes I think that it’s even better than broccoli because I like how it’s long with that tasty stem. And honestly broccolini does probably beat broccoli in cooked (especially grilled) form. But not in every form.

1. Broccoli

Broccoli is fantastic. It’s little floofy crown / flower head sucks up flavors so well, whether you’re taking raw broccoli and putting it in some dip, or if you’re marinating broccoli to cook it. It grabs onto all that sauce/dip/marinade/whatever and holds it tight. And honestly, the stalk part of it that a lot of people discard isn’t so bad either. There are few other veggies that taste so good both raw and cooked. In the end, that’s what gives the OG broccoli the win over it’s BROther BROccolioni. While broccolini might be better than broccoli when cooked in a dim sum or marinated and thrown on a grill… it’s NOT better than broccoli just to snack on with something like a hummus or a ranch dip. So there you have it, Broccoli is the KING of Brassica Oleracea and so it gets to wear the crown. Get it? Get it? Crown? Because… you know… broccoli.

Thursday, April 25, 2024

Ed Ranks NCAA Athletics Penalizations by Severity

Hey, Reggie Bush just hot his 2005 Heisman back. Good for him. In commemoration of that, let’s rank the Top 5 NCAA Athletics Penalizations, by severity. And speaking of Reggie Bush:

5. University of Southern California Athletics Scandal

This one crossed a number of spots, including the football, men’s basketball, and women’s tennis programs. Sanctions for the football team included a postseason ban for 2 years, scholarship losses for 3 years, as well as vacating a BCS Championship. And, of course, Reggie Bush had to return his Heisman Trophy. But, you know, not anymore.

4. University of Minnesota Men’s Basketball Academic Cheating Scandal

The literal day before the 1999 NCAA Tournament began, news broke about a wide variety of violation by the Minnesota men’s program, mostly (but not all) related to academic dishonesty. Basically, none of the players were actually doing any school work and the Basketball team was paying someone to do the work for them. End result? All awards and titles were stripped from the program between 1993 and 1998. They were also put on probation for 4 years starting the 1999-2000 season and lost 5 scholarships over the next three seasons.

3. University of Michigan Basketball “Ed Martin” Scandal

This one was about rules violations resulting from the relationship between the University of Michigan basketball program and booster Ed Martin. Money laundering. Illegal gambling. All sorts of fun stuff dating back several years into the 80s! Shit was so deep that the FBI and IRS launched investigations. The most memorable name involved was Chris Webber. Michigan was banned from Postseason play in 2002-2003, vacated the entire 1992–93 season and every game it played from the 1995–96 season through the 1998–99 season (which included a 1997 NIT title and the 1998 Big Ten title), docked the school one scholarship a year from 2004–2005 until 2007–2008, etc.

2. City College of New York Point Shaving

Ok, this scandal goes waaaaaay back to the 1950-1951, so maybe it’s not the latest or hottest news. But it involved a whopping seven total schools/teams being involved, although as the name suggests the biggest of the offenders was the City College of New York. 33 players across the 7 teams teamed up with fixers, agents, referees, and good ol’ organized crime to shave points, fix games (about 86 games total), and make a ton of money. Punishment for this one was a little less “academic punishment and bans on teams for a few years” and more “several people went to prison for numerous years.” The NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament itself avoided returning to the New York area for about the next 50 years after this event.

1. Southern Methodist University “Death Penalty”

The obvious one is at the top. "Ponygate" It is named the “Death Penalty” after all. Various documentaries have been made about it, and the story is very well known. SMU had one of the most famous and successful college football programs in history, but as a smaller program was having increasing trouble recruiting players that chose to go to the bigger schools. Easy fix? Illegally pay the young high school athletes to come to SMU! A $61,000 “slush fund” (wow, that number seems so small in hindsight… or is that just inflation talking) was set up and which made payments from 1985-1986, where boosters paid cold hard cash to players to get them committed to play at SMU. When the NCAA found out about it? Well:

The 1987 season was canceled
All home games in 1988 were canceled (eventually the team would decide to cancel the away games too, what with all its players leaving)
Their existing probation was extended until 1990
Their existing ban from bowl games and live television was extended to 1989
They lost 55 new scholarship positions over 4 years
There were a variety of limits placed on their ability to hire coaches
The team was allowed to hire only five full-time assistant coaches, instead of the typical nine.
Severe limits on various recruiting activities through 1989

Thursday, April 18, 2024

Ed Ranks Star Trek Aliens

This one is self-explanatory, right? You've heard of Star Trek and you're obviously aware that it's better than Star Wars. Except for that one Star Wars show with Sasha Banks which is great because Sasha Banks.

Here we go. The top 10 alien species from Star Trek:

10. Andorians

They are blue and have antennae. That's it. Or apparently their personality becomes a little bit deeper than that in shows like Enterpise and Discovery - but nobody watched those shows, so here we are. Blue bois with the boopies.

9. Vulcans

Oh, you think they should rank higher? Sure, they're one of the most prominantly featured races on the show. Most / many of the Star Trek shows and movies had one or more Vulcans as main characters. But come on now, how lazy of an alien is this? These are "space elves." They have pointed ears and slightly arched eyebrows. They are an alien species that can perfectly infiltrate human society by wearing a hat or having long hair. Star Trek absolutely took zero time to develop this species, at least visually. So basically all they got going for them is the whole "logic" thing where they struggle with things like having little to no emotions except when it's convienient for the plot to be like "oh no, they totally have emotions but they have to supress them and they're buring balls of rage inside." So I guess they are not Space Elves. They are they are Sociopath Space Elves.

8. Bajorans

While we're on somewhat lazy alien designes, Bajorans are just humans with some ridges on their nose. That's all. Sure, with regards to storyline they are super important to Deep Space Nine (obviously the best Star Trek show), and they have a rich cultural history intertwined with religious beliefs and struggles for independence from the recently-ended Cardassian occupation. Great characters, everyone loves Kira... but you're going to need more than a nose ridge and wierdo wormhole alien religion for me to rank you higher than this.

7. Jem'Hadar

Hard to even call them an alien "species" because they don't seem to even have a home planet. If they do, it's never been mentioned. These are genetically engineered rockface boys with a delicious glowstick medicine drug food (Ketracel-white) that they get pumped into their body from a tube in order to live and serve as slaves to the Dominon. Nice. Now we're talking a cool species. All they do is take drugs and fight. It's like they're the Waffle House customers of the Gamma Quadrant.

6. Trill

Okay, while this is another one that again mostly just looks like a human with some dots in various places, at least the species is not only the people with dots - it's also the weird space slug species known as a "Symbiont." Trill get these Symbionts inserted into them (giggity?) and they take on the memories and knowledge of the last person who had the Symbiont in them. Which creates very interesting characters who have unique identities and who can be replaced when that actor goes away and yet still sort of play the same character. Sort of like Doctor Who, although I guess Doctor Who figured out how do do that story without the space slug.

5. Ferengi

Hell yeah, the greedy space capitalists. With their large ears, sharp teeth, strange Rules of Aquisition, mostly unshown backstory about naked females, and how they say "huu-mahns," they are there partly for thought-provoking deconstructions of late stage capitalists living in the Federation's utopian post-money society... but mostly they are there for comic relief. Any DS9 episode that was a "Quark" episode was a good one. Quark episodes were all killer, no filler, baby!

4. Cardassians

Speaking of DS9 being awesome, Cardassians are recognizable by their gray, repitillian, skin; their distinctive forehead ridges ("spoon heads" is totally a futre space slur for them) and militaristic society. Okay sure, DS9 is where they were seen the most, but the Cardassians were featured prominently in various Star Trek series, most often as adversaries. They're great!

3. Borg

Like with the Jem'Hadar, it's sort of hard to call them a species since they're more like cyborgs. These are your TNG-introduced cybernetic beings that can take main characters and robotize them into enemies. Their collective, hive consciousness and relentless pursuit of assimilating others makes them a perfect villain. Sounds like I'm also talking about white people in general but hey, it is what it is.

2. Romulans

Now I'll admit, Romulans started off much like the Vulans. In fact - VERY similar to the Vulcans. Just Vulcans who took eyebrow styling to the MAXXXX. However, at least by the time Star Trek moved on to The Next Generation era, the look of Romulans evolved and they had much more distinctive forehead ridges, and makeup that took them out of the general "handsome Lord of the Ring" elf category and more into a "gnome" sort of look. They're known for their secretive nature, cunning intellect, and complex political machinations. Like the Cardassians, they always seem to be up to some bad shit that the Federation is not into.

1. Klingons

This was always going to be the obvious choice, and really the only #1 answer. Like the Romulans, in the original series the makeup was laughable and Klingons just a hair away from being racist Fu Manchu-ish "foriegner" characters. However like the Romulans, as the show moved on and got bigger budgets, they got their distinctive look with forehead ridges, long rockstar hair, cool-ass armor and swords, detailed storylines on traditions of fighting and drinking, and a language that had so much thought put into it that nerds basically made it into a real language. And then Star Trek Discoverey happened and somewhat was like "What if we change what the Klingons look like AGAIN but this time make them look horrible?" and someone greenlit that. So we won't talk about Discovery because it's dumb. You know exactly what version of Klingons are ranked #1. The Worf version.

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Ed Ranks Equal-Limbed Crosses in Heraldry

Crosses. You see them all the time in heraldry. Which is… I think… the study of people named Harold? Pretty sure.

Let’s have a fun visual ranking like the good old days when I just ranked photos of Zendaya! This seems a lot easier to do than all that hard research into Japanese shoguns like last week.

16. Cross Hummetty (aka Couped, Alaisée, Greek)