Please note that I have indeed realized that the list I have created lacks female Sesame Street Muppets. Does that mean I am inherently sexist? I hope not. But honestly, Abby Cadabby, Zoe, Prarie Dawn, and Rosita are pretty lame. What do they ever do that is interesting? Nothing, that's what. I wouldn't rank any of them above even Placido Flamingo the opera-singing phoenicopteridae.
15. Elmo
I hate Elmo so much. He's super annoying. But I can't leave him off the list because he's one of the most famous Sesame Street Muppets there is. Just awful though. This is like the Jar Jar Binks of Sesame Street. And that whole saying "me" instead of "I" thing is just stolen from the far superior Cookie Monster.
14. Guy Smiley
I'm not sure if they still use this cheesy-ass game show host character, but they should. It seems to me that the 2000's revival of all these terrible game shows would have made him relevant again. He is honestly a B-Team Muppet though.
13. Mr. Johnson
You might not recognize Mr. Johnson by name, but if you saw him you'd be like, "Oh yeah, that guy." He's the blue bald one with the mustache. Most famously seen getting his dinner plans completely ruined by Grover every damn time. You'd think he'd just go to a different restaurant or walk out as soon as he sees his waiter.
12. Big Bird
This guy's honestly pretty annoying too. It's the whole "childlike innocence" thing. It didn't even take him the duration of the "Mr. Hooper is dead" episode to forget Mr. Hooper's name. Big Bird needs a gritty reboot to make him interesting. Get Chris Nolan on this.
11. Telly Monster
 |
| This girl was never seen again. |
10. Mr. Snuffleupagus
Snuffy was a lot cooler when he was just Big Bird's imaginary friend. It was kind of a cool "Calvin and Hobbes" or "That Janitor from Scrubs" vibe when you didn't know if
Snuffy was real or just a projection of an insane person. They held up the premise for like 17 seasons before they just got lazy and decided that other people could see Snuffy. Those eyelashes tho. Bitch looks like Dame Edna.
9. Ernie
Bert and Ernie are obviously just an Odd Couple parody, and Ernie was the "fun, free spirited" one. I liked Ernie a lot more than Bert when I was young, since Bert always seemed to have a damn stick up his ass. No, I am not implying anything sexual about that. Let's cut right to the chase, people - Bert and Ernie are not gay. They are just kids who live together. Stop trying to filthy my children's shows with unnecessary sexualization. Unless its Johnny Bravo. It was fine there. To be continued when I talk about Bert.
8. Two-Headed Monster
Two-Headed Monster doesn't even really get a name, which is unfortunate because how cool he is. Or is it, "how cool they are?" This Monster looks just like Telly, but times two glued together. Fortunately his/their personality is nothing like Telly - as the Two-Headed Monster is a horned, gibberish-speaking, grunting purple beast that teaches everyone about the importance of cooperation. I've always sort of imagined a Two-Headed Monster as a pair of vikings transported 800 years into the future and trying desperately to figure out modern technology. Once they finally figure it all out, they're going to pillage and loot the hell out of Sesame Street.
 |
| Questionable style in shirts. |
As I stated above, I liked Ernie more when I was a kid. But as I grow older I appreciate Bert more and more. I am definitely a Bert in life and not an Ernie. Forget that gregarious, fun-loving, practical joking nonsense and singing about rubber duckies in a bathtub. I'd much rather be the serious and studious Bert who actually tries to get things done and spends on my time with my pets, who are the only things that truly love me. Bert either loses his cool and gets furious when Ernie is being a jackass, or he simply sighs heavily and resigns himself to it all. If I had Ernie as a roommate, I just might have to kill him. Which I suppose makes me more of a Telly than a Bert, but you get what I'm saying.
6. Count Von Count
This vampire (how did he not burn up in the sun when he was on that coconut island with Harry Belafonte?) really loves counting things. Bats. Telephone rings. Floors on buildings. The credits in Follow That Bird. Antonio Cromartie's children. Pretty much anything. What this Immortal, Undead, Romanian Pimp should really be doing is counting his girlfriends. Over the course of Sesame Street he's been with something like a half dozen different Countesses.
5. Oscar the Grouch
Oscar's mission in life is to be as miserable and grouchy as possible, and to pass that feeling on to everyone else so that their days are ruined too. If I can relate to any Sesame Street Muppet more than I relate to Bert - then it has to be Oscar. He pretty much hates everyone else. Except Slimey the Worm. I'd say it's bad that he's a hobo that lives in a garbage can, but he seems to enjoy it very much so just let him do what he wants.
4. Yip Yips
The Yip Yips (aka Martians) go "yip yip" and try to figure out things about Earth because they're Martian. They are totally awesome, which is why I'm ranking them way above many of the much more famous Muppets. Although, they seem pretty innocent and cute, you know they have to be setting up some sort of bridgehead for a Martian invasion to conquer Earth. "Destroy All Humans? Yipyipyipyip!"
3. Kermit
Everyone knows Kermit is great and he's the greatest Muppet. But he's not necessarily the greatest "Sesame Street" Muppet. Kermit is bigger than Sesame Street and did is own things with all the Muppet movies and Muppets Tonight. There is a divide between those "regular" Muppets and the Sesame Street ones - with the exception of Kermit, who easily crossed-over. While the rest of the Sesame Street Muppets are all the intellectual property of the Sesame Workshop (formerly Children's Television Workshop), Kermit is not (he's owned by Disney). While Kermit's News Flashes into fairy tales and nursery rhymes are some of his most memorable appearances, he's had a lot of roles on the show including some top notch songs (the famous "Bein' Green," and the less-famous but still awesome "Caribbean Amphibian").
2. Cookie Monster
Cookie Monster is the id in us all with no self control. His insatiable appetite cannot be quenched. Cookie Monster is great. Those wonky googly eyes (especially when it's one eye that bounces around while the other is still) still remain hilarious to this day. As is his continued inability to master basic grammar ("me" & "I"). And me am... I mean I'm fairly sure we have him to thank for "NOM NOM NOM NOM." And let's not forget "Alistair Cookie" for the eight children who actually got that joke (the Sesame Street and Masterpiece Theater audiences were slightly different). It's a bit strange that Cookie Monster, in his Alistair guise, was smart enough to use words like "digress" and "esoteric" while still not knowing first person singular. However, its also unfortunate that in recent years with political correctness they've had Cookie Monster do stuff like promote eating healthy foods. That's just nonsense there.
1. Grover
 |
| Near. |
No comments:
Post a Comment