Why 34 instead of 37? Because Henry IV was divided into Parts 1 and 2; and Henry VI into Parts 1, 2, and 3. There was no need to divide those into multiple parts, and so I included them together. It was hard enough to figure out any porn titles for all of those dumb "Henry" plays anyway.
And before you judge me like I'm some sort of depraved weirdo for making this list... remember which guy's name was literally Shake-spear. If that's not a masturbation reference, I don't know what is.
34. Hairy the Sex (Henry VI) - See what I mean? Some of these are really tough. You might be able to think of something funnier, but recall there are 1,934,120 different Shakespeare plays named "Henry," so save your judgment until you get through these all.
33. Richard Safe Word (Richard III) - "Safe Word" sort of rhymed with "The Third," but I'll admit that this is only the 33rd best idea. I assume Richard asks for "My kingdom for some whores" in this parody, instead of "a horse."
32. Sin-beline (Cymbeline) - Is this title lazy? Absolutely. So are post porn parody titles. The plot of this real play features an attempt at courtship between a sister and her step-brother. Which basically means it is already the plot of a modern porn film. What the fuck is up with porn these days, by the way?
31. Horny for Five (Henry V) - The main character in this, Henry, obviously sleeps with five others.
30. Kink John (King John) - I was originally going with "King Johnson," but this is a little better.
29. Carol's Anus (Coriolanus) - Obviously for fetishists.
28. M'am Wet (Hamlet) - This parody title for Hamlet isn't good. It isn't good at all. Yet I still think it's better than any other ideas suggested by the rest of the internet.
27. Stacked Beth (Macbeth) - Featuring some actress with very large breasts and a witch orgy.
26. 2 Richards (Richard II) - A super gross-out one featuring an actor with a second prosthetic unit.
25. Coitus and Cum Eater (Troilus and Cressida) - Well, I tried.
24. Antony in Cleopatra (Antony and Cleopatra) - Immensely lazy, but still better than any of the above. There is a character already named "Sextus" in the actual play, so this one will mostly write itself. What's Tania Russof up to these days?
23. Romeo in Juliet (Romeo and Juliet) - Ditto. This isn't super witty, but it gets to the point and you know exactly what's going to happen. Romeo will bang Juliet so hard (after visiting an apothecary who gives him super Viagra) that he thinks he killed her, and so he kills himself by overdosing on the entire bottle of Viagra (presumably, it causes a priapism that explodes his dick off and he bleeds out). Then Juliet wakes up, sees Romeo dead, and kills herself too with her dildo. OBVIOUSLY.
22. Ball's Gel On Rear-Ends As Well (All's Well That Ends Well) - Look, I really tried with this one. I'm not entirely satisfied with the result, but I did the best I could. If you think about it a lot, "Ball's Gel" kinda sorta refers to semen, and said semen is obviously winding up on rear ends. Hey, I'm not proud. If I was proud, I wouldn't be doing this horrible list.
21. Henry the Forced (Henry IV) - Forced / Fourth. Get it? This is almost certainly an S&M film, just so you know.
20. Semen on Asses (Timon of Athens) - A much better way of getting to the gist (or jism!) that I was trying to get to with #22 above. Gay. Straight. This film can be whatever you want it to be, sport! The part of the actual plot of this play dealing with whores spreading VD should probably be removed from the parody though. I'm just saying. Who is going to jerk off to a scene about getting VDs? (Probably someone is the answer!)
19. King Rear (King Lear) - Just as lazy as much lower ranked things like King Johnson, and yet it works so well. Again, you know what you're getting with this. There will be a guy wearing a crown and lots of butt stuff. I could have also gone with various formations that included "Kink" instead of "King," and I could have just gone with the homonym "Leer," which would have worked well too.
18. Julius Tease Her (Julius Caesar) - Lazy? Obvious? Whatever. Don't judge me.
17. Ohhh, Fellow! (Othello) - I'm going to defend this one. It's solid, whether you like it or not. It's also definitely interracial.
16. Titties Androgynous (Titus Andronicus) - No, it doesn't flow easily, but just hear me out. Look, the "Androgynous" part is easy. Anyone could come up with that part. It's the word you instantly think of when you hear "Andronicus." Hell, you might have already thought the name of the play WAS Titus Androgynous. This film features can't-tell-what-sex partners, but when they take their shirts off, you see at least that they have boobs. Are they women who simply dress like men? Are they transgender? Transitioning? Guess you'll have to find out! This concept has to at least appeal to some depraved masturbator out there. Plus, it will have a character named "Tamora, Queen of Goths," which is a great character for a porno! Although, if it follows the plot of the play with any accuracy, this is just gonna be a snuff film.
15. Henry Ate... Her Out (Henry VIII) - I'm not sure this should be ranked so high, but I've already ordered these and now I'm too lazy to renumber. It's witty enough.
14. Testicles, Prince of Queer (Pericles, Prince of Tyre) - This one was difficult, but I'm okay with the result. I'm assuming that "Tyre" is pronounce like "tear" in "teardrop" rather than like "tire" in "car tire." If it's pronounced like "tire," then this is much less funny.
13. The More Cunts for Penis (The Merchant of Venice) - Featuring "Shycock." Oh, you bet he wants a fucking pound of flesh.
12. Twelfth in a Night (Twelfth Night) - This title actually isn't that good, but it's the one that started me off on this ranking, so I'll place it here as a sign of respect.
11. Two Gentlemen in Verona Sky (The Two Gentlemen of Verona) - I mean this one is self-explanatory. There is apparently a porn star named "Verona Sky," according to a highly sophisticated internet research tool I used (PornHub). Is this somehow more clever than the other "X in X" jokes I did earlier like "Romeo in Juliet?" YES! Because it's TWO GENTLEMEN, which works perfectly. If Verona Sky has not already done a film with this title, she's really missing out. This title is much better than existing titles I was able to find associated with her, such as "Ramming Young Seductress Verona Sky's Exquisite Teen Asshole (HD 8:08 minutes)." I mean that's not poetic at all.
10. The Cumming on Derrières (The Comedy of Errors) - This is the 3rd different title making the same joke. Don't look at me like it's my thing. It's obviously Shakespeare's thing.
9. The Spinner's Tail (The Winter's Tale) - Hell yes! To the point. You have to know what the slang term "spinner" means, and also recognize the tail/tale homonym, with the fact that "tail" can also refer to butts. RESPECT THIS!
8. The Temptress (The Tempest) - This one is pretty simple and perfect. This lady is going to shipwreck sailors and then screw them. Which... wait... that sounds familiar.
7. The Screwing of the Tame (The Taming of the Shrew) - This could have also been The Screwing of the Dame, but I guess with the Tame it's a little more close to flipping the original. The Tame probably refers to the screwed person being some nerd loser in glasses who is taught to be wild instead of tame by their sex-crazed partner. You know. Hey, I'm just making titles here. I don't have to do entire scripts.
6. Love Neighbor's Lust (Love's Labour's Lost) - There were variants around this theme that I saw online when I was searching for ideas for other titles, but I prefer mine.
5. Pleasure for Pleasure (Measure for Measure) - This has to already have been made, right?
4. The Hairy Wives Who Get More (The Merry Wives of Windsor) - I could have stopped with just "Hairy Wives," but no. I kept going until I got something to replace "of Windsor" as well. You're welcome.
3. MILFs Do About Anything (Much Ado About Nothing) - Call Nina Hartley, Lisa Ann, and Sara Jay. I have a concept that can win them multiple AVN Awards.
2. Ass, You Lick It (As You Like It) - This one is great. But there are so many ways I could go with this one, including:
- As You Lick It
- As You Like Tits
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