You'll NEVER Guess How Ed Ranks Clickbait Headlines. #7 Will SHOCK You!

This blog is essentially listicles. Listicle websites are usually clickbait nonsense. The people who run clickbait websites should be doused in gasoline, squeezed inside of a tire, and set ablaze (with the exception of in the UK, where they should be squeezed into a tyre instead). I try to ensure that my ranks never resemble clickbait. Buzzfeed, Yahoo! "News" (in quotation marks deliberately), Huffington Post and others are usually pretty bad offenders... but there are so many more. This is a list of the worst types of worthless clickbait headlines, with #1 being the most annoying and stupid.

This face should be on the side of a milk carton.

10. Why Hollywood Won't Cast [_____] Anymore!

The majority of clickbait spam headlines are cut and paste nonsense, with the same article being used again and again with a slightly different thing filling in the blank. I have seen the "Why Hollywood Won't Cast X" headline a hundred different times with various names. Some of them are people who are absolutely still cast in films, and other ones are like, "Oh yeah, I haven't seen Brendan Fraser in a hot minute." I don't think humans actually write this article. I think some sort of bot just makes up a vague article and fills in a name from a list of 200 different B-actors.

9. [_____]'s Net Worth will SHOCK you!

No, it won't. This is usually a person who is an actor/musician/athlete or famous businessperson. These people are generally always rich. Occasionally this clickbait article is flipped and it's about someone who you'd think should be rich but is actually poor. Generally this doesn't shock anyone either because the celebrities who have gone broke are already famous for going broke. Like MC Hammer and Brendan Fraser.

8. All [_____] Share THIS in Common! 

All millionaires share this in common! All celebrities share this in common! All people who live to 100 share this in common! All geniuses share this in common! All people with successful marriages share this in common! All successful entrepreneurs share this in common! All happy people share this in common! Once again, another copy-and-paste headline that plays on stupid people's beliefs that if they learn that one secret to success that every single other successful person shares then they too will become successful. Guess what, morons... there is no easy, minimalist answer that solves all your woes. These articles will be full of generic Tony Robbins motivational pep talks about how believing in success will make you successful. As if the people who are successful were simply the most "hungry" for success and worked hardest for it. Well, I'm sure there are emaciated child slaves all around the world who are really, really, REALLY hungry to break away from their oppression and have freedom (and also hungry for actual food, because they're emaciated), and yet they never find as much success as Brendan Fraser. Conversely,  there are successful assholes who merely inherited their good fortune without ever working a day in their lives. It's like when a NFL commentator says that the team who "wants to win more" will win. Uh, no. If you put a team of cancer patients up against the New England Patriots and say the team who wins will get the cure to cancer, the Patriots will still win even though the cancer patients surely "want to win more." And don't think for a minute that Bill Belichick will throw the game and let the cancer patients win. Bill Belichick is evil.

7. #7 Will Shock You! 

Did this shock you? Of course not. #7 never shocks anyone. Like #9 above, the people or robots who generate these headlines don't seem to actually understand what the word "shock" means. This number is not always 7, but it is quite often 7. Why? Well, most clickbait websites are just slideshow pages anyway, which means you have to click some "next" buttons to move forward. Every time you click next all the ads on the page refresh and you get brand new ads and additional page counts for the website to boost its stats. Sometimes these things go on for like 100 damn pages. But most people won't stick around for that long. Most people might go two or three pages before they go, "Ugh, stupid slideshow. I'm closing this." But this devious method of hyping up #7 can trick a lot of people to going at least that far with the promise that the monotonous and uninteresting bullshit that the first few items on the list were will suddenly be "shocking" at #7. But there is never anything interesting or special about #7. It's just filler like the rest. Probably filler about Brendan Fraser. 

6. You'll Never Believe What [_____] Looks Like Now!  

Is this an article about how some awkward child actor grew up to be beautiful (that girl from Spy Kids)? Is this an article about how a cute child actor grew up to be ugly (Haley Joel Osment)? Is this an article about how someone who used to be fat got skinny (I've seen a million versions of this that claim "Precious" got skinny to get you to click, even though she totally didn't)? Is this an article about how someone who used to be skinny gained weight (Brendan Fraser)? Is this an article about how someone who was attractive when they were young is still attractive now that they're older (Phoebe Cates)? Is this an article about how someone who was attractive when they were young is now ugly (Brendan Fraser)? No matter what the headline is, you shouldn't click it because it doesn't matter and you should stop being obsessed about looking at before and after pictures of Brendan Fraser. He looks generally the same now, but ages like everyone else does (except Phoebe Cates).

5. [_____] Does [_____] and YOU WON'T BELIEVE What Happens Next! 

They'll tell you a very scant first part of a story, and then you'll have to click their stupid headline and go to their website to see the next part of it. Don't worry about those pop-up ads which appear on your screen! And if one of their ads tells you that your computer needs to be "optimized" by installing this software... you should definitely do it, because it's legit. An animal gets abandoned and I won't believe what happens next? Actually, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that a different animal adopts it and raises it, because that is the end result of that headline 99% of the time. The other 1% is when a human (sometimes, but not always, Brendan Fraser) adopts it and nurses it back to health instead. I want to see just once where this headline winds up with "the baby duck starved and died alone in the cold!" That would be super depressing, but also: 1) quite a twist on how these stupid headlines go, and 2) pretty reflective of the sad reality of life.

4. Only [Low Number]% of People Will Know [_____]! 

These headlines are often associated with lame slideshow "quizzes" where you, again, have to click next about 25 times to get some result. In the very worst of these you'll get to the end and it tells you to enter your email to get the result. You would never have gone through with it if you had known that at the beginning, but now you've wasted 10 minutes and you're committed. Generally the quiz will be super easy and you'll get a much higher percent than the low number stated at the beginning. Why do people click these? Because everyone wants to show to everyone else how smart they are and how much better they are than everyone else. Only 10% of people can identify these countries! Only 15% of people can answer these trivia questions about Star Wars! Only 20% of people can identify which movie this is by one screenshot of Brendan Fraser from it! You'll take these quizzes and even if you're downright stupid you can probably get 80%, because the low number is just a lie they made up. The vast majority of human beings can easily differentiate the outline of France from the outline of Germany, and can also recognize essential differences between the wardrobe choices of Rick O'Connell and Professor Trevor Anderson. 

3. One Weird Method/Trick You Can Use to [_____]! 

I'm not quite sure why the adjective in this clickbait is always "weird." A lot of times, these are very similar to #1 below (don't jump down yet... you'll get there soon enough). When they are like #1 below, they can be downright dangerous to your health if you believe them. One weird trick to weight loss! Is it to stop eating and drinking water? But just as often the weird trick is just about inane bullshit. One weird trick to getting your Hermes handbag cheaper! You'll probably click 12 different slides and download 4 viruses to your computer in order to be told "wait until there is a sale." One weird trick to stop Brendan Frasier from stealing your food! The answer to this one is usually, "tell Hollywood to hire him again so he can afford to buy it." Honestly though, most of these weird trick things are about penis size.

2. Watch [_____] Destroy/Decimate/Eviscerate/Shred/Aggressive Verb [_____]! 

These are sooooo annoying and they're getting worse every month just from the fact that they're multiplying like bunnies as headlines. These are almost always political and show a person from one side of an issue "totally destroy" the other side with their brilliant understanding of how things REALLY work. They're also often just a link to a short clip of a TV talking head giving some group-think propaganda to their target audience while strawmaning the opposing side. Liberals and conservatives are equally guilty of these clickbait crimes to your Facebook news feed, and chances are you're only seeing the ones you want to see anyway because you've already unfriended (or at least unfollowed) all your old high school, college and work friends who are of the opposing political party. On the few occasions these headlines aren't political you might see something like "Watch Brendan Fraser destroy your childhood with Dudley Do-Right!"

1. Doctors Don't Want You to Know [_____]! 

As alluded to above in #3, this one goes above and beyond the usual harmless clickbait nonsense and into a zone that can endanger your life. Although if it does you're likely very stupid and deserve the consequences. Similar to the #8 "All [_____] Share This in Common" nonsense, people want to believe their is one magical thing that will solve everything. And so many people are completely obsessed with the idea that "doctors" or "Big Pharma" are behind some massive conspiracy and hiding the secrets to better health or the cures to diseases. Chris Rock hilariously hit a nerve with his "Ain't no money in the cure. The money's in the medicine!" routine. People want to believe that we can magically become healthy with this one trick that doctors, pharmaceutical companies, or Brendan Fraser playing biotech executive John Crowley in the 2010 film Extraordinary Measures don't want you to know about because it will take away all their money. These clickbait headlines are often tied in with "alternative" or "natural" medicine that the evil cabal known as "they" don't want you to learn about. And what are these natural homeopathic miracle cures? Acai berries, kale, vinegar, honey, gingko biloba, ginger root, coconut oil, aloe, onions, magnets, cardamom, reflexology, getting rid of gluten, wellness bracelets, or anything you've ever heard Dr. Oz say. These are all snakeoil for the 21st century. They share the same lack of any scientific evidence to back them up as do "anti-vax" and "detox" nonsense. When pointed out though, the people who believe in this readily turn to their convenient conspiracy theory. Do you know what Pfizer would do if they found the cure to cancer or AIDS? Hide it so they could sell "the medicine" rather than the cure? You are a moron if you think so. They would do exactly what they have done with the rest of their business model - patent the formula so that only their company can sell it and get billions and billions of dollars. Do you want to know why I say this? Because science has totally cured or created vaccines to completely prevent dozens of diseases before. Polio, smallpox, diphtheria, tetanus, rabies, measles, yellow fever, etc. In the 1920s, there were an estimated 100,000 to 200,000 cases of diphtheria every year in the United States, causing 13,000 to 15,000 deaths per year. Between 2004 and 2015, a total of two cases of diphtheria were recorded in the US. Why did Crucell, a biotech vaccine company which is a subsidiary of Johnson & Johnson, not "hide the truth" of their diphtheria-preventing Quinvaxem® from the world as part of the big pharma conspiracy? Because contrary to noted health expert and supporting actor in Grown Ups 2 Chris Rock, Johnson & Johnson can actually make a shitload of money from the cure. If kale could cure a damn thing then every single kale seed would already be the intellectual property of GlaxoSmithKline, and you'd have to pay $40 a seed. 

The picture next to the "Cinematic Masterpiece" in the dictionary.

Ed Ranks Batmen

Everyone wants to be Batman! Minus that little
"your parents getting murdered" part.

A lot of people have played Batman. Some of them were very good, and others had nipples on their suits. These are their stories.

10. (Tie) Everyone Else - Let's not pretend this list is definitive. DC Comics over the past several years has been releasing tons of straight-to-video animated stories that feature people like Jeremy Sisto, William Baldwin, Bruce Greenwood, Jason O'Mara, Michael C. Hall, and a million others voicing Batman. There were also serialized radio dramas featuring Batman back in the yesteryear. Lewis Wilson and Robert Lowery played Batman in the 1943 Batman and the 1949 Batman and Robin, both 15-part theatrical (low budget) serials. The 1943 serial, obviously being made in the middle of World War II, featured Batman as a heroic US-government agent fighting the evil Japanese (referred to lovingly in the film as "shifty-eyed"). The 1949 serial featured a villain named "the Wizard," who's amazing wizard power was that he could create a gadget that could control cars. And speaking of cars, some dude played Batman in OnStar commercials. Remember that? But nobody cares about any of these people or their Batman portrayals as they are waaaaay too obscure. Let's move on to some real Batmen...

9. George Clooney - Batman and Robin (the 1997 version, not the 1949 version) was awful. Every single actor in this film was miscast. Every single costume was terrible. The set designs were terrible. The cinematography was terrible. The story was terrible. The only redeeming quality of this film is the ability to ironically quote its terrible puns. In fact, I'd go even further and make up additional puns that weren't in the movie but seem like they could have been. Anyone can do this. Just make up a terrible joke that uses the word "chill," or "cool," or "cold," or "ice," or freeze," and do it in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger accent. Instant fun! Notice how I haven't actually talked about George Clooney at all in this ranking? That's because he's totally forgettable. What did he do in this film? Nothing that I can recall. Get kissed by Uma Thurmon? I kind of recall that. I'm pretty sure he didn't even get top billing.

Hey! From the same artist as the forty cakes meme.

8. Olan Soule - You might not think you know who Olan Soule is, but if you heard his voice it would likely bring some tingling of nostalgia to you (at least if you are of a certain age group). He was the primary television animation voice of Batman from 1968 to 1984, although Adam West was sometimes invited to reprise the role in animated features during that time. He voiced the role in The Batman/Superman Hour,  The Adventures of Batman, The New Scooby-Doo Movies, Sesame Street, Super Friends (1973 series), The All-New Super Friends Hour, Challenge of the SuperFriends, The World's Greatest Super Friends, and Super Friends (1980 series). He was also a solid television character actor, and appeared on just about every show from the 1950s to the 1980s that you can imagine from I Love Lucy to Simon and Simon.  So there, now you know about this guy.

7. Val Kilmer - Batman Forever, like Batman and Robin, is another terrible Joel Schumacher film with the same flaws as described above with mediocre casting, sets, scripts, etc. But at least Iceman had a slightly better portrayal of the caped crusader with more to do in this film than Clooney ever did. And yet Jim Morrison still seems to be just a boring supporting character to Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey, who I'm sure get more screen time in the film as the villains than Batman himself ever does. They even get the better girls. Two-Face got to double team Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar while Doc Holliday had to settle for lame Nicole Kidman. Poor Simon Templar. Okay, that's it. I've reached the end of my Val Kilmer role knowledge.

6. Ben Affleck - I like Ben Affleck, and have no objection to him playing Batman like many others did. However, he just hasn't done it enough to soar that high in the rankings yet. With only Batman vs. Superman and a very small cameo appearance in Suicide Squad as of yet, we haven't seen too much of him. I like the fact that he's playing an older, more grizzled Batman. I'd like it even more if they just hired Michael Keaton to come back as an even older Batman to coach Terry McGinnis in a Batman Beyond film - but hey, I'm sure that will happen one day (two reboots from now?). The thing about Batman wanting to kill Superman until he realized that their moms had the same name was super stupid, but I think Ben Affleck has a lot more to give than that.  Ask me again in a few years after Justice League and Battfleck's own solo Batman film come out and maybe he'll move up the ranks (or down, in the event that 60% of Justice League is just Batman wanting to kill Aquaman until he remembers that his dad also talked to fish). 

5. Will Arnet - Will Arnet is Lego Batman, who is absolutely awesome.

Television's first gay couple! Progressive.

4. Adam West - The 1960s Batman TV show (and its 1966 movie) straddle the line between "so bad its good" and something that's legitimately good. It was intentionally campy and a send-up of the juvenile Batman comic in general. When you look at how cheesy and over-the-top a lot of the show is, you also have to wonder how much of that was due to low budgets and how much was done just because they thought it would be funny to make it cheesier. Adam West worked perfectly for this show, and the fact that he had Bat-Everything in his utility belt was ludicrous. Shark repellent? Really? So many elements of this show worked their way into the Batman mythology that it was forever changed. The bad part of that was the 60's Batman show became so associated with Batman as a whole, that the Batman character was sort of a joke for a number of years until Tim Burton saved Batman from his underwear-on-the-outside self.

3. Christian Bale - The Dark Knight Trilogy are all great films, and I have nothing negative to say about them. Christian Bale is great in these. After Joel Schumacher ran the Batman series into the ground by bringing elements of the campy 1960s Batman back into the film series, Christopher Nolan again saved Batman and gave us the darkest and most morally complex portrayal of Batman yet. Maybe he would rank #2 instead of #3 if not for that damn gravelly voice. WHERE'S RACHEL?

 

"As a matter of fact, I have danced with the devil in the pale moonlight."

2. Michael Keaton - Michael Keaton's Batman is almost the best. As alluded to above, the association of Batman being "badass" is entirely due to Tim Burton helping to make Batman cool, ass-kicking, and awesome again in the late 80's. After the 1960s, Batman was universally thought of as a goofy, pun-making idiot who ran around in a silly suit. Keaton's darker and complex take on Batman, and the overall darkness of the story, redefined the character for the next generation. Before Hollywood started "rebooting" everything - this was really the mother of all reboots that started the idea that you could take an entertainment franchise and totally redefine it. Christian Bale's Batman would have never been if it wasn't for Michael Keaton paving the way.

1. Kevin Conroy - Kevin Conroy is Batman. If you don't know who Kevin Conroy is, you have no business even looking at this ranking or pretending like you care about Batman.

~~~~~~~

Admit it, you just came a little looking at this dapper gent.

0. Ultimate Morphed Batman - Dafuq is this?! In the history of Ed Ranks Everything there has never been a #0 before!  How can there be a number zero? Is zero better than one or is it worse than one?  Well, it's both. It's better than #1 in the sense that it would be better, but it's not actually the best because it doesn't exist. A few years ago, Reddit user morphinapg created a picture where he merged the faces of Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale. The end result was this picture to the side of the most handsome man ever. Coincidentally, this was actually done before Ben Affleck was cast and so it actually doesn't include Affleck. But you could almost swear it does. As if Ben Affleck was always meant to be part of this. Scientists need to get working on gene splicing so we can make this ultimate morphed Batman a reality. Earlier this year, a baby was born with three genetic parents. It's just a matter of time before we take this technology into the eventual destination it was always meant to go - creating the perfect Batman. And how could highly-advanced Batman-related technology ever go wrong?

Ed Ranks Eurozone Countries by their €1 Coins

While there are 28 countries in the European Union (soon to be 27, thanks Obama! UK!) only 19 of those countries are in the "Eurozone," and thus share the same paper money and the "common side" of their coins ranging between €0.01 and €2.00. Because only one side of the coins is common across the zone, each country gets to depict whatever it wants on the other side. Well, almost whatever it wants. I'm sure there are some pretty sensitive topics in Europe that allow other countries to get some veto power.

How about I rank these countries by their aesthetic €1 coin choices? No? Too bad, I've already written it.

Way to make your monarch look
like a burn victim, Netherlands

19. The Netherlands - In 2014 hideously ugly depictions of King William-Alexander replaced hideously ugly depictions of Queen Beatrix (who abdicated the throne) on all Dutch Euro coins. Whenever I see Dutch coins, I want to find a forge and melt them into bullets that I can use to shoot whoever designed them. And by that I mean shoot them in the leg or something to teach them a lesson. I'm not a monster.

18. Slovenia - AGHHH! Want your currency to give you nightmares? Check out this depiction of (super angry-looking) 16th Century Protestant reformer Primož Trubar featured on the Slovenian €1 coin. He looks like a version of Santa Claus that might go around breaking into people's houses through the chimney to murder them. Look, I mean no disrespect to Primož Trubar. I'm sure he's a revered national hero. It's not like you're going to put Melania on your coins. But this particular depiction of him resembles a police sketch of a homeless man who has been seen flashing women at the park.

17. Spain - As you'll quickly be able to tell from this set of rankings, I am not really a fan of countries that simply put their silly monarch's face on their coins and call it a day. Like the Netherlands, Spain is one of these countries. Since "old monarch abdication fever" (OMAF) caught on in the early 2010s, the Spanish €1 switched from King Juan Carlos I to the new King Felipe VI. Unlike the Netherlands, this is a pretty straightforward depiction of their ruler without any failed attempt to be artsy. Unfortunately for Spain, the profile picture of Felipe used makes this coin look like it has Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad on it. Not so good.

16. Belgium - Belgium's €1 coin is boringly just the same picture as all of their other coins - a profile of their (again) current monarch, King Philippe. And also like Spain and the Netherlands, the face on the coin recently changed. Before Philippe it was King Albert II... who, yep, abdicated again! I had totally forgotten that happened, just like most people totally forget that Belgium even has a king. Fortunately for Belgium, their king in no way resembled a genocidal tyrant who uses chemical weapons on civilian populations.

15. Estonia - The Estonia €1 coin is a silhouette of Estonia. How creative! Estonia should have looked to its Baltic state colleagues in Latvia and Lithuania if they wanted advice on how to make an awesome coin.

14. Luxembourg - All Luxembourg coins feature slightly different stylized effigies of Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg. This is almost as boring as Belgium and the others, but at least the angular stylization of the depiction of the Grand Duke on the coin is somewhat interesting. The Dutch also went for angular stylization. I'm not particularly a fan of any of the coins that rank this low, but Luxembourg pulled it off the "face of some guy" thing a lot better than the rest.

Better than putting Freud on their coin

13. Austria - The only famous Austrians are those characters from The Sound of Music, Hitler, and Mozart. So Austria wisely went with Mozart for their €1 coin. And their economy is still probably 40% Mozart-driven, with I'm sure half the cafes and stores in the country being named Mozart something-or-other. I'd suggest they replace Mozart with a Sachertorte if they really want a high ranking coin rather than just another boring picture of someone's face. Schnitzel and apfelstrudel are obviously more renowned, but a little harder to depict on a coin. So get on that, Austrian Chancellor Christian Kern who I'm sure has no other important issues to deal with like what to do with all those Syrian refugees flooding into Europe (thanks a lot for that Felipe VI, uhh... I mean, Assad).

WTF is this?

12. Cyprus - Cyrpus's coin depicts the Idol of Pomos, a cross-like prehistoric fertility goddess sculpture dating back to the Chalcolithic period, circa the 30th-Century BC. While this has deep and important historic and cultural meaning to the Cypriot people, unfortunately the coin looks sort of stupid. The Idol of Pomos is even wearing a necklace on the coin - a necklace of the Idol of Pomos. While the idea of recursion on a coin should be amazingly hilarious to me, when I look at this coin I go "meh."

11. France - I can't tell what the hell this is supposed to be. I guess a super-stylized tree or something. But it could be Bastille Day fireworks for all I know. There are so many awesome things about France, you think they could choose something better than a tree. Napoleon? A guillotine? A pencil-mustached man wearing a striped shirt and beret while carrying a baguette? All of these would be clearly better choices.

10. Finland - Finland's Euro coin is graced by two swans flying over a distant, lake-filled landscape. Aww, totes adorbs! But also kind of bland. Your nation's coat of arms is a crowned lion about to deliver a deathblow with a sword. That would have been much better.

9. Ireland - This is a Celtic Harp, as seen on the side of their bottles of Harp beer. Does it represent Ireland pretty well? Yeah, sure it does. Is it that interesting otherwise? Not particularly.

8. Slovakia - This is ALMOST a really exceptional coin featuring the coat of arms of Slovakia, which is mainly focused on a double (patriarchal/Byzantine/Orthodox) cross on three hills. This same symbol can be seen on their flag. But the Slovaks could have learned a lesson from the Malta about simplicity in design (we'll get to them later). Slovakia goes for some sort of bumpy background texture behind the cross design, as if the cross was carved onto stone. Entirely unnecessary. A simple/clean double cross on the rounded minimalist suggestion of three hills from their coat of arms would have been a sharp and appealing design. All that "chiseled on rock nonsense" ruins the effect of something that's only 23.25mm in diameter.

7. Germany - The German €1 features the "German eagle," which is a badass-looking heraldic symbol that is fortunately different enough from the eagle that the Nazis used, because that certainly wouldn't be good. Two problems bring it down a bit though. First, it doesn't look as awesome or angry as other version of the German eagle, which would be better. And secondly - Germany wasn't the only European country to historically use eagle heraldry to represent the nation. The Spanish, Byzantines, Russians, Poles, and others all used pretty similar-looking eagles. Since a number of countries which came from those empires (especially the ex-Byzantine countries) still use those very similar eagles and are in the EU - what gives Germany the right to claim this one? I mean, other than the fact that they are the economic powerhouse that really runs the entire EU behind the scenes anyway.

Italian Vishnu

6. Italy - The Italian €1 coin features Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man, also known as "that Renaissance Goro picture" (to people who didn't take as many art history courses as I). It is a great coin and going with iconic Italian art was a good decision for the boot country. Most of the Italian Euro coins are pretty good. The Birth of Venus by Botticelli is on the tiny little €0.10, and could easily also make a great design on a larger coin.

5. Portugal - All Portuguese Euro coins feature various Portuguese royal seals, with the €1 coin featuring the royal seal of 1144. It's throwback and historic-looking, which I really like. Above all other EU coins, this would be the most desirable coin to find spilling out of pirate treasure chests.

The tiara means she's single
and ready to mingle

4. Latvia - Latvia's coin features a Latvian maiden (colloquially known as "Milda"), a holdover from the 5 lats coin and a popular symbol of independence during the Soviet occupation. She looks pretty cool and has a headpiece thingie that I was trying to research the name of so I didn't just call it a "crown." I was unable to figure out what it's actually called, but I did learn that the headpiece is worn only by unmarried women. Which is a pretty convenient shortcut to know who's single or not when you're playing the field in Riga.

3. Malta - Sometimes you don't need anything complicated or over-designed like France's busy and silly €1 coin. Malta keeps it simple and just used the Maltese Cross. Is it is pleasant design? Absolutely, the design has been used by the Order of St. John since 1567 and has its origins in 6th-Century Byzantine. Does it represent Malta well? Absolutely, it's the MALTESE cross. This is a sweet coin.

A killing machine

2. Lithuania - All Lithuanian coins, from €0.01 to €2.00, feature the same design - Vytis, a knight on horseback from the coat of arms of Lithuania. And while I knocked Belgium and some others for having the same design on every coin... the same rule doesn't apply when your coin is absolutely boss. This knight is the man! He's swinging his sword in the air while riding his horse and he's ready to kill the hell out of any filthy person who dares fight him. I would guess Russians. Lithuania might be new to the Eurozone, but they came in and break-danced all over everyone else's shit with this coin. Yes, Lithuanians are famous break-dancers. Don't question it, it's just one of those facts that you should blindly accept because I said so.

Hell yeah, it's Bubo!

1. Greece - Greece's €1 is another throwback. Except it's throwing back REALLY FAR. It's a copy of the 5th-Century BC 4 drachma coin of Athens, featuring an owl - the symbol of goddess of wisdom Athena, for which Athens is named. It is absolutely incredible and awesome. Technically I guess it's also a coin within a coin... so recursion again, baybeeee! The Greeks dropped the proverbial gauntlet on the rest of Europe and were like, "Look bitches, we invented coins on Aegina Island around 700 BC. Nice try with all your stupid new designs, everyone else. But we're just going to use the same design that we used 25 centuries ago and it will be better than all of yours." And they were right. I guess the only thing that's too bad about this whole situation is that after essentially inventing money, the Greeks forgot how to use it.

Ed Ranks "Fun" Fall Activities

A plague of beautiful orange

Realsimple.com has a “Fun Fall Activities Checklist,” providing 50 suggestions for activities that you can do in the autumn. Some are outside. Some are food. Some are just stupid. This is how I rank them.

50. Remember what you’re thankful for - This was the last one on their list, probably because they completely ran out of ideas. This is lame and sounds like something Kirk Cameron would try to tell to you.

49. Watch a kids’ soccer game - Or you could not do that instead, and have a much better time. The only time this is allowable is if you have kids playing in that game.  If you do not, then you should be arrested.

48. Collect pinecones and display them in a glass bowl  - Why? So I can get sap all over my damn hands?

47. Take a hot-air balloon ride - Google “balloon accident” and you’ll get 613,000 results. This is a great idea if you want to die.

46. Learn to knit - No thanks. Didn’t they invent machines to do this for us back in the Industrial Revolution?

45. Run a race - I think this list is trying to tell me I’m fat and need to work out more.

44. Spend a day antiquing - Or I could just stay at home and see if the classic 1990s Ian McShane comedy-crime-drama Lovejoy is on BitTorrent and just watch someone else antique from the comfort of my warm bed.

43. Watch geese flying south for the winter - Am I just supposed to stare at the sky all day, waiting for geese to coincidentally fly by? Who made this list? People who live on an estuary?

42. Make your kid’s (or your own) Halloween costume - Because you’re poor.

41. Plant bulbs in your garden for next spring - I thought this was supposed to be a fun list. This is just labor.

40. Collect colorful fall leaves  - And do what with them exactly? Have then dry up and crumble apart in a dresser somewhere?

39. Eat a candy apple - I’ve never liked candy apples. They’re too large and messy. And it’s an invitation to destroy your teeth.

38. Breath in the cool, crisp air - This is actually on the list. As if maybe some people will decide to not breath this fall.

37. Dig up your sweaters from storage - This is less of a “fun fall activity” and more of a practical necessity.

36. Wear your favorite jeans - As above. You kind of have to do this. It’s cold now. Is it really that special to put your jeans on?

35. Get spooked in a haunted house - These things don’t scare me at all. I mainly just pity the people who work there.

34. Re-watch your favorite scary movie on Halloween - Same as above. Scary movies don’t do that much for me. But it’s slightly better than haunted houses because then I get to avoid social interaction because I hate people.

33.  Buy winter squash and Brussels sprouts at a farmers’ market - I question how buying groceries qualifies as “fun.”

32. Give out candy to trick o’ treaters  - This isn’t really something you can do any time in the fall, or even most of the time in the fall. You can only do this one night, so it’s not that good of a suggestion. If people come to your door demanding candy on days other than Halloween this fall, you should throw acid at them.

31.   Make a pinecone bird feeder - I applaud the idea of feeding birds, but this seems like a lot of work. How about I just throw some seeds in the ground? Birds can find them there just as easily.

30.  Host a potluck Thanksgiving dinner - Hosting Thanksgiving dinner and relying on others to bring things over is just a nightmare. Any time a scene about this concept is featured in a holiday movie, it includes something going horribly wrong. You should just order a pizza for Thanksgiving like on General Hospital. Yeah, that’s right. I have enough knowledge about General Hospital to make a super specific reference to it. I can deal with your judgment.

29. Make butternut squash soup - I’m not saying it’s terrible, but it’s not my favorite.

28. Buy a new notebook - Great, now I have somewhere I can glue all those colorful fall leaves that I collected for no reason.

27. Borrow a book from the library - What makes this activity fall-specific? You can really do this all year. Although the last time I went to the library they accused me of not turning in a book after I turned it back in. I got a letter in the mail saying I had a fine and I stormed over there furiously and showed them it was already on the shelf. Fuck libraries.

26.  Roast vegetables for a tasty side dish - I guess I could do this, but I could also not do that.

25. Play a game of two-hand touch football  - Touch football? It’s full contact or nothing. Mamma ain’t raise no beeyotch!

24. Go apple picking - Or I could go to the store, since that’s much closer and they usually have about twelve different varieties of apples.

23. Eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - I do this all the time anyway. Why would the arrival of the autumnal equinox change the frequency at which I consume PB&Js? If I have peanut butter and jelly in the house, I will make PB&Js no matter what the carb situation is. Only have pumpernickel bread? Sure, that will work. Cheese biscuits? Yeah, I could put PB&J on those. Taco shells? Yep, I’ve done it - soft and hard.

22. Attend a fall festival  - This could go either way. There are all kinds of festivals. If someone just said “come to a fall festival with me,” I absolutely would not agree unless I had more data.

21. Start Christmas shopping  - Oh shit! I do have to do that soon, don’t I? Well, time to get everyone gift cards again because deep down inside I know absolutely nothing about the likes or dislikes of any of my friends or family.

20. Go for a hayride - I admit, this sounds tempting and nostalgic. The four days of allergy attacks afterwards sounds less tempting and nostalgic.

I never carved anything this good

19. Carve your own pumpkin - So messy. I was obsessed for several years with those patterns that you could trace onto a pumpkin so it looked like you had actual talent or skill. But as an apartment dweller these days, this is impractical and I don’t think the building management company or my neighbors will appreciate a dead gourd slowly rotting in the hallway by my door. 

18. Listen to the sound of leaves crunching under your feet - There is still something oddly gratifying about this.

17. Buy something from a bake sale - This suggestion could be improved if someone just gave me baked goods for free.

16. Go leaf-peeping - I wanted to make fun of this and rank it lower because it sounded so stupid. But then I Googled “leaf-peeping” and saw that it meant going around in the fall and looking at leaves. Which I’ve done before, but this isn’t something I’d just do by itself. It should really be combined with some other activity. Like, oh, I dunno…

15. Take a drive in the country - Yes, this is how you should do leaf-peeping, from the warmth and comfort of your motorized horseless carriage vehicle car thing. 

14. Eat a slice of warm pumpkin bread - But only if it has PB&J on it.

13. Throw a Halloween party - Halloween parties are much more fun than Halloween night trick-or-treat nonsense itself. I can’t wait to see what the slutty costumes are this year (mostly Harley Quinn, I know and I’m fine with that).

You could never get out and die here

12. Get lost in a corn maze - Corn maze? HELL YEAH!

11. Jump in a pile of leaves - This is really just a sinister plot devised by parents to get their children to do yard work. “Hey, if you rake all those leaves into a big pile, you can jump into them!” And even though I see through this Machiavellian intrigue for what it truly is,  I would probably still fall for it as a grown man. Wheeeeeee!

10. Tailgate at your local football game - This sounds fun, but I’ve never actually done it before. Probably because even the parking at FedEx Field is a million dollars.

9. Make rice krispie treats - Actually, I should do this. It’s really the only reason anyone buys rice krispies, right? Who actually eats that for cereal when Cinnamon Toast Crunch exists instead?

8. Go for a hike - Another solid idea to pair with #16 above. I like hiking. It’s like #45 above except I actually get to see things and I don’t fall to the ground gasping for air after going 60 feet.

7. Make a big batch of chili - Now that it’s October, the CrockPot needs to be moved to a more accessible part of the cabinets.

6. Tour a winery - You had me at alcohol.

5. Bake an apple or pumpkin pie - Apple is the best, but pumpkin pie has its place. And finally, the one thing in which pumpkin pie spice should be allowed… you know… in pumpkin pie.

4. Build a bonfire - Burning things is the best. I watch Backdraft every time it’s on the TV.

3. Drink hot spiced cider - In October, this needs to replace my hot water tap.

2. Rent a cabin in the mountains - Fantastic idea, and excellent paired with #4, #8, #15 and #16 above. I need to reserve one of these now before all the spots fill up.

1. Celebrate Oktoberfest with beer and sausages - Even though Oktoberfest is over (let’s be honest, it should be called "Septemberfest") that’s no reason to stop eating sausages and drinking beer. We should keep Oktoberfest in our hearts all year long. And we will if we keep eating all those bratwurst, because the fat from them will stay in our arteries.

Okay Germany, I apologize for placing you at #4 for beer countries.

Ed Ranks the Top 10 Gary Oldman Roles

Gary Oldman is the best. He can play any role in the world and it would be awesome. I don't think this ranking needs any further setup or explanation other than that.

10. Rosencrantz (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead) - Are you a fan of absurdist, existentialist tragicomedies about the conflict between art and reality featuring two minor characters from Hamlet? Well, you're in luck! British playwright Sir Tom Stoppard (co-writer of the screenplays for Brazil and Shakespeare in Love) wrote just such a play which was later adapted into a 1990 movie starring Gary Oldman and Tim Roth in the eponymous roles. Everyone was in this film! It had Iain Glen from that thing, that other thing, and that other thing as well; that main character guy from House of Cards (no, the OTHER House of Cards); and that guy who should have been eaten by the shark. If you aren't a fan of this idea you should still watch it anyway because Gary Oldman is in it.

9. Ludwig van Beethoven (Immortal Beloved) - Remember that one time when they made that movie about Beethoven that was speculative nonsense with no real historic fact? It had basically the same plot structure as Citizen Kane if you replace the newspaper reporter with an assistant, the millionaire tycoon with Beethoven, and Rosebud (spoiler alert: a sled which certainly did not kill Ethan Frome) with a love letter that uses the words "Immortal Beloved." Pretty much, Beethoven wrote a love letter to his supposed love but the letter never said who exactly that was. So this was a movie sort of about that...if that sort of thing interests you. And if it doesn't interest you, at least you get to see Gary Oldman with crazy person hair for 121 minutes of your life.

8. Lee Harvey Oswald (JFK) - While we're talking about Gary Oldman playing historical figures that Gary Oldman in no way resembles in movies with almost no basis in actual fact, how about him as Lee Harvey Oswald? But Gary Oldman can pull it off anyway, because he's Gary Fucking Oldman. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

7. Sirius Black (Harry Potter Franchise) - I'm not really a fan of those Harry Potter books or films, but I guess they must have been okay enough for Gary Oldman to be in them. In trying to do a little internet research about this role... I came upon the following phrases: "also known as Padfoot or Snuffles (in his Animagus form)," a pure-blood wizard," "the son of Orion," and "fought in the First Wizarding War." Reading those words made me lose several brain cells and throw up in my mouth just a little. This was a cultural phenomenon that I was just unable to understand. I recommend simply fast-forwarding through the entire film series to only watch scenes with Gary Oldman, Alan Rickman, or Emma Watson (after she turned 18, creepers). 

6. Sid Vicious (Sid & Nancy) - Don't do heroin, kids. Even if your heroin dealer is your mom.

Oh hai thar!

5. Count Dracula (Bram Stoker's Dracula) - Over the course of the years the character of Dracula had become a parody of itself thanks to a relentless series of horror films from Universal and Hammer. They were all sort of derivatives of Bela Lugosi just like every pirate for fifty years after Robert Newton was just a rehash of his Long John Silver. It would take an actor of tremendous talent to save Dracula from himself and make him interesting again. An actor of that caliber has only one name - Gary Oldman. This dark, moody, eerie, operatic take on the legend broke all the molds. This could be a legendary movie beloved for all history (AKA immortally beloved?) if not for Francis Ford Coppola deciding that Keanu Reeves should somehow be inserted into this film.


4. Egor Korshunov (Air Force One) - Egor Korshunov was a Russian terrorist and loyalist to a deposed and arrested Kazak dictator named General Ivan Radek. They fought in the Russian army together and saw some shit back in Afghanistan. In order to get General Radek released from prison, he figured a great idea would be to disguise himself as a journalist to get on Air Force One and kidnap the President of the United States. This would be a great plan in almost any scenario. Unfortunately, Egor Korshunov failed to take into account that during this particular scenario the President of the United States was HARRISON FORD. Sorry Gary Oldman, it was inevitable that President Indiana Jones would say something pithy while strangling you with a parachute and throwing you off of his airplane.

Admit it, you were rooting for him over that French bastard

3. Norman Stansfield (Léon: The Professional) - Corrupt and unhinged DEA agent Norman Stansfield does not like it when people steal cocaine from him. He tends to do things like murder them and their families. Usually when he does this, he tries to kill the entire family. And I mean everyone. EV-ERY-ONE!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, one time he failed to gun down a 12-year old girl (herein referred to as "Jailbait Natalie Portman"). Well, Jailbait Natalie Portman escaped and creepily became best friends with a grown-ass man named Léon who was, conveniently, a hitman. Jailbait Natalie Portman then spent the rest of the movie trying to undergo some Arya Stark-like assassin transformation so that Léon could teach her to get sweet revenge. Oldman's portrayal of Standsfield is often cited as one of the greatest film villains of all time, and has been referred to as "astonishingly histrionic," "divinely psychotic," and (my favorite) "the best overacting." Oh yeah, and Oldman's character also had an obsession with classical music - particularly Beethoven. That's so Oldman meta.

2. Sgt. / Lt. / Commissioner James Gordon (The Dark Knight Trilogy) - Every once and a while the stars align and people decide that it's time for Gary Oldman to play a good guy again. I know, it's very strange and makes us all feel weird on the inside. But Gary Oldman always knocks it out of the park. Let's face it - Jim Gordan had always been boring and useless. He's a police commissioner in charge of a police force so inept at doing their job that he's just gone and let some vigilante run the city's justice for him. Essentially the entirety of his job was just to turn on the bat signal or call Batman on the red phone. Once again, Gary Oldman added some layers to the character to make him actually interesting and complex. Gordan has to work with Batman outside of the regular justice system because it's simply so corrupt. Gordan sees the corruption and walks the fine line between fighting what he can and simply accepting the rest of it because he knows when fighting it will be counterproductive (and might lead to his own death). He has to walk the shades of gray himself to ensure that Harvey Dent is remembered as a hero. And Gordan was actually there for the death of Bruce Wayne's parents, giving some deep personal connections to Wayne/Batman beyond simply relying on him. Will anyone ever be as good of a Jim Gordon as Gary Oldman was? The answer is obviously no.

Behold the power of the space soul patch

1. Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (The Fifth Element) - Billionaire industrialist/weapons dealer Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg has a simple, modest plan. That plan is to assist a great evil that appears every 5000 years (called the "Ultimate Evil," "Anti-Life," and "Mr. Shadow," but let's just go ahead and call it "Satan") by ensuring that the only weapon capable of defeating that evil is captured and delivered to it. Said weapon is actually a set of four stones with the markings of the classical four elements, as well as fifth element which is Milla Jovovich wearing small pieces of white tape. Oldman is so amazingly over-the-top in this film as Zorg. He didn't just turn things up to 11... I'm pretty sure he's somewhere around 16. Subtlety and nuance be damned, this is 100% camp. And who says camp can't win a ranking? Not me, because I just did it.

Ed Ranks the Miss Saudi Arabia 2016 Contestants

10. Ms. Hofuf - Hubba hubba! Look at this girl's glittering jade eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being allowed to learn to read. She would have been a clear winner of this pageant, but unfortunately she accidentally showed part of her wrist and was stoned to death by the audience, disqualifying her and sending her all the way down to the bottom of the ranks.

9. Ms. Dammam - Sweet mother of pearl! Look at this girl's darting amber eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being permitted to dance or sing.

8. Ms. Khobar - Heavens to Betsy! Look at this girl's piercing brown eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being allowed to befriend any other human beings without her husband's permission.

7. Ms. Jeddah - Holy smoke! Look at this girl's sparking emerald eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and cleaning up the bodies of stampede victims at the annual Hajj in nearby Mecca.

6. Ms. Tabuk - Hot diggity dog! Look at this girl's deep-set hazel eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being accused of being a wicked temptress for that time she was sexually assaulted by her uncle as a teenager.

5. Ms. Ta'if - Bada bing! Look at this girl's glinting auburn eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being beaten for her potential future acts of disobedience that her husband imagines she might commit one day.

4. Ms. Buraidah - Gadzooks! Look at this girl's dancing chestnut eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being allowed to own property.

3. Ms. Riyadh - Mamma Mia! Look at this girl's viridescent green eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being banned from trying to form any opinion of her own on the text of the Qur’an.

2. Ms. Medina - Great Scott! Look at this girl's wide gray eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and walking three steps behind her husband at all times.

1. Ms. Al-Kharj - I think I'm in love! Look at this girl's olive doe-eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being the fourth wife to a man 30-year older than her, thanks to an arranged marriage set up by her father with a business partner in order to get a promotion at the oil company.

Ed Ranks 5 New Goddamn Pumpkin Spice Products this Fall, Probably

I have absolutely zero evidence that any of these products exist, as I just made them all up. That being said - did you just see that Pumpkin Spice Cheerios is a thing? Ohmygodpleasestop! The idea that any of these products could possibly be put on the market is the antithesis of common sense. Which means that they probably will be put on the market.

5.  Pumpkin Spice Gasoline

Should people get all the autumn delight? No. This ethanol fuel is from 100% pumpkin sugars and all that other bullshit.

4. Pumpkin Spice Semi-Automatic Pistols

Why waste all that energy chewing with your mouth when instead bullets of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and allspice can be directly shot into your stomach?

3. Pumpkin Spice Morning After Pills

Don't let your one night stand be flavorless. Wake up the next morning to this chewable combo of 2mg of cloves and 1.5mg of Levonorgestrel.

2. Pumpkin Spice Toilet Paper

Yeah, why not? It makes just as much sense as the rest of these stupid things I just made up, as well as the actual dumb products out there which are filling your grocery store's shelves.

1. Pumpkin Spice Summer's Eve

I'm not even really trying anymore. I'm so angry with Pumpkin Spice season.