Ed Ranks Members of "TLC" by How Many Times They Burned Down Andre Rison's Mansion

(TIE) 3. & 2. Chili and T-Boz 

Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas and Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins are tied in second/third place. Together, they burned down former NFL wide receiver Andre Rison's mansion a total of zero times.

1. Left Eye 

Lisa Nicole "Left Eye" Lopes burned down 5-Time Pro Bowl Superstar Andre Rison's mansion a total of one time (on June 9, 1994, after setting fire to a pair of his tennis shoes in a bathtub). Congratulations, Lisa Left Eye Lopes... you win this ranking! And also, Rest in Peace.

Ed Ranks Meanings of the Song "Wet Sand," According to Random Internet People

Behold, WET SAND!

"Wet Sand" is the 13th song on the "Jupiter" album of the Red Hot Chili Peppers double album "Stadium Arcadium."

It's not a super famous song, nor was it ever a single.

But random people on the internet still have opinions about it, especially at the website SongMeanings.com. So let's rank these random theories. There are seven pages worth of theories at this website. No way am I doing all of them. How about just the nine theories posed on page 1? Sure! Why not:

 9. stuge: No clue

love it, awesome feel.. maybe someone could explain the wet sand bit?

Uhh... I hate to break this to you, stuge, but the website SongMeanings.com is supposed to include suggested meanings for songs. So submitting a song meaning which is "could someone explain the 'Wet Sand' part of the song 'Wet Sand'" doesn't exactly instill great confidence in me that you know how to use this website properly.

8. ckjohnson7: Overcoming adversity and addiction to find meaningless, fleeting success

ckjohnson7 posts a rambling, indulgent 1442-word-long theory that probably says more about his/her own deep psychological scars than it does about any lyrical content of a Chili Peppers song.  The crux of the diatribe is this:

Anthony has struggled throughout the years to overcome addiction, conquer the world through music, and find meaning in everything. It all amounts to a very small, temporary impact -- making a form in wet sand. Ultimately, the ocean of life washes everything away, but through his work, struggle, and searching, he has made a tiny impact in the universe, which is what he strives for, and what, ultimately, he is proud of, even if nobody else understands it.

The explanation then goes to analyze almost every single line of the song with lengthy, reaching explanations.  However, with regard to the lyric, "The disrepair of Norma Jean...", ckjohnson7 states that he/she "doesn't get" the reference. That's right. He/she provides a detailed, lengthy analysis for EVERY single line in the song except for one line, which is a totally obvious reference to Marylin Monroe. Which just proves that ckjohnson7 has no idea what on earth the song is actually about and is making shit up. Plus nobody has time for a goddamn thesis on an obscure Chili Peppers song.

7. de4dr4bbit: Sadness/loss of wonder

it's about the sadness from the point of view of someone looking at people who've lost their sense of wonder  

This one is just super lazy.

6. Avatar-rock: Inability to mature due to constant change

wet sand... hmm, it's like he's saying that most people can't build their lives and mature whilst constantly moving, like wet sand does, convulsing to any pressure, but he feels he has, and he needed that time of constantly changing and moving on to become what he has today? kinda works.

I'm not even going to try to figure out this review, since the reviewer themself doesn't even seem confident. I just want to know what this guy/gal's handle of "Avatar-rock" is supposed to refer to. Does he/she have a rock band where they all dress up as the giant blue James Cameron Fern Gully tree Smurf cats? Do they record heavy metal renditions of the music from Avatar: The Last Airbender?

A musical album by a group with songs and whatnot.

5. TheNostrand: Human beings, by their nature, cannot be defined

I think AK [Anthony Kiedis] is revealing something about himself and the environment that surrounds him when is in his true element. Think about it, if you put your hand in wet sand and take it out as to make a hand print, there is truely no form and nothing is defined. I think this is what he means by wet sand, the idea that perhaps this is the state that he as a person defines himself. Maybe he is asking his GF and soon to be wife to accept him as is and understand his nature.

Half of this explanation is actually trying to explain the concept of actual wet sand, rather than the song "Wet Sand." I don't think people need actual wet sand explained to them. Most people have, at one time or another, encountered wet sand and are generally aware that it exists and has a loosely adherent nature that dry sand lacks.

4. mopcop: A conflict between living a free-spirited or structured life

This song is about a clash between the free-spirit and his love, who is on a more direct path in their life. The free-spirit is "travelling from coast to coast", reveling in it, but pines over the lack of structure (something CONCRETE, SOLID, like a diamond?) which he associates with the standard "settling down" folks do (career, family, car, home). Whether this is a real person, or the person is a symbol, it works both ways.

I guess it COULD be about this, mopcop. Although it could also just be about how Anthony Kiedis likes building sand castles. Sand castles rule!

3. pfmonkey25: Religion vs. Evolution

 Supposedly this song is about Anthony having a fight with a girl, where Anthony believes in divine creation and the girl believes in evolution.

pfmonkey25 tells us to "Search Anthony Kiedis on google news search and click on the link titled 'Peppers are lost in space'" to provide proof of this. I can't find any such article, so this might as well just be completely made up. But at least pfmonkey25 is trying to make it SOUND like he/she has an actual source. And making us THINK that he/she knows what the song is actually about is a pretty effective strategy. So let's just go ahead and give points for effort. Although I will say that the song is absolutely NOT about this topic at all.

Looks like music-type stuff happening here.

2. rhcpayne: Inability to connect with others

"You don't form in the wet sand" was actually a line and tune that John had in his head for awhile. Anthony heard him mumbling it over and over and asked if he could use it. I think that Anthony used it and added lyrics that show his inability to connect with his significant others on a permanant basis. This has been shown in his many serious, but unlasting relationships. A lot of the lines are hopeful, but followed by feelings of disconnect, which comes to a head in the chorus at the end of the song.

rhcpayne speaks pretty authoritatively, as if he/she has a reference to prove this story about Anthony [Kiedis] taking the words from John [Frusciante] is a fact. CITATION NEEDED.

1. lnkndarkness: Not a damn thing

the wet sand part that is seeming to escape everyone is doing so because it means... nothing... when john frusciante was jamming the music to this at band practice before the lyrics were written and he was mumblin some random words, and anthiny heard some of em... one of the things john mumbled was "Wet Sand"... which anthony felt was just an incredible phrase

This "theory" (about Kiedis stealing the words from Frusciante) actually is consistent with rhcpayne's theory. Since both of these meanings appear to be citing the same source - maybe there actually IS a valid citation to be had somewhere. Given that the stories re-enforce one another, these have to be the top two theories. However, this one is clearly the winner because it's the most logical. Songs aren't usually about anything at all. Rock stars do a bunch of drugs and write down some random lyrics when they are high AF. Isn't that the most plausible explanation/meaning of all?

Ed Ranks 19th Century American Serial Killers

Wow, really? This got dark. Why on earth would anyone rank these?  Am I trying to justify that “it’s okay” because everyone who was murdered would be dead already by now? Not really. This is not an okay ranking at all. But I’m doing it anyway.

From the Topps "Racist Asshole"
trading card collection

.

7. "Wild" Bill Longley

 A ruthless, racist gunfighter who self-claims to have killed 32 people, most of whom were obviously minorities, especially ex-slaves. But as a drunken, gambling criminal – he also killed others in robberies. He fled to South Dakota and joined the army where he could continue killing – as killing Native Americans was sort of the army’s thing. But lacking discipline, he deserted (twice) and fled back to his native Texas where he continued to kill. The killing of one of those people, a childhood friend, was what would eventually lead to his arrest and hanging. This sounds like a terrible person, right? Well, from 1958 to 1960, CBS aired a television show about him called “The Texan” where he’s depicted as THE HERO fighting lawlessness in the Ol' West. Which makes that TV show the second most offensive and horrible CBS TV show of all time, coming in right after "Young Sheldon."

6. Servant Girl Annihilator 

19th Century writing is AWESOME.

 Wow, what a TERRIBLE name (coined by O. Henry [the short short-writer, not to be confused with the chocolate bar], who lived in Austin at the time of the murder spree). Yikes. This unidentified serial killer and axe murderer abducted, raped and murdered seven women from their bedrooms at night between 1884 and 1885 in Austin, Texas. Alone with those seven women was one man, presumably the husband of one of the women. Various and inconsistent eyewitness accounts were given about the murderer and his race, with accusations that he was a Malay or Black, or maybe someone hiding their skin tone by covering themselves in soot. The murders stopped after Nathan Elgin, a 19-year old cook, was killed by police while attempting to assault a woman with a knife in February 1886. So he’s been identified as the most likely culprit.

5. Boone Helm

AKA the Kentucky Cannibal. You can see what direction we’ll be going here. Apparently Helm wanted to join the California Gold Rush in 1850, but when his partner backed out on him, he murdered him and voyaged West alone. Along the way, he started murdering and eating people. I can see why this part of traveling West was left out of “The Oregon Trail” video game for elementary school kids. Eventually, Helm met up with a team of six other people and confided his history with them. But then poor weather conditions on their way West led to them dying one-by-one. You know, except for Helm. Who, presumably, ate his companions. He was rescued and brought to Salt Lake City, but quickly had to flee to San Francisco. There he continued to kill the people he befriended, and moved on afterwards to Oregon, Texas and Montana. In that last location he was finally arrested and hanged. It’s believed he killed between 8 and 24 people. What an ass.

4. The Bloody Benders

This is not a cover band where everyone dressed up like Bender from "Futurama." Instead, the Bender Family (John, Elvira, Kate and John Jr.) ran a bed & breakfast and general store along the Great Osage Trail in Labette County, Kansas. Truth and legend about the Benders is hard to distinguish, but they were apparently an immigrant family with thick accents that practiced all sorts of crazy spiritualist religious stuff. They might not have even been a family of related people - but just a group of immigrants who pretended to be a family. Weary travelers who needed a place to stay though that this inn would be a great rest stop. It wasn’t. About 12 or so different travelers that decided to stay at the Bender’s inn never left alive. Most appear to have been bashed in the head with a hammer, followed up by having their throats slit. After people went to investigate what happened to their loved ones who vanished, and THOSE people went missing too, eventually the authorities caught on and went to investigate. The Benders had fled, but dead bodies were found buried all over their property. Their eventual fate is really unknown. There are various legends that they were tracked down and killed by posses of vigilantes. But the mysterious nature of their eventual fate has left a cultural impact, and they have been depicted in multiple fictionalized tales.

3. Liver-Eating Johnson

Yes, this serial killer gets a STATUE DEDICATED TO HIM.

John Jeremiah Garrison Johnston was a mountain man in the Old West. According to legend, after his Native American pregnant wife was killed by a member of the rival Crow Nation tribe, he went on an insane vendetta against the tribe where he scalped and killed more than 300 members of the Crow Nation over a 25 year period. Oh yeah, and he ate their livers. Hence the name.  Really, this guy doesn’t seem ALL THAT TERRIBLE in comparison to the others, right? He just wanted to get some vengeance for the murder of his wife. I guess you can say he took it a bit far. It happens. Is the 300 number true? Probably not. Still, points for the nickname.

2. Jolly Jane Toppan 

She seems nice.

#feminism #girlpower Jane Toppan was just your average, ordinary Irish immigrant nurse in Massachusetts except for the fact that she’s on this list and thus is an insane serial killer. Despite growing up in a rough childhood at an orphanage, by 1885 she started working at Cambridge Hospital where she was popular and beloved (hence “Jolly Jane”). There she began to befriend sick and elderly patients… you know… the types who already have a high mortality rate and if they died nobody would think much about it because they were sick and old. She decided to play around with their prescribed doses of drugs. You know, just to see what would happen. Science stuff. She moved to Massachusetts General Hospital, where she was fired after a lot of her patients died, and moved back to Cambridge. There she was fired too for administering opiates in a reckless manner (some things never change!). But this was all just her warming up. After that she became a private nurse and really started ramping up the murder in 1895. She killed her landlord, his wife, her foster system, more elderly patients, their spouses, their children, etc.  She was arrested in 1901 and confessed to 31 murders. She is quoted as saying that her ambition was "to have killed more people—helpless people—than any other man or woman who ever lived." Well, at least she set goals.

1. H. H. Holmes

This could honestly be ANY 19th Century guy.

I won’t linger too long on Herman Webster Mudgett, AKA Dr. Henry Howard Holmes (even though I could) because he’s already pretty famous. The New York Times best-seller novel “The Devil in the White City” is about him, and it’s been optioned to become a movie, perhaps starring Leonardo DiCapro. But the long story short on this one: He’s obviously not a real doctor, and decided that the 1893 World's Colombian Exposition (World’s Fair) in Chicago would be a great way to churn up business. His business being murdering people. With a large number of itinerant people needed to help build a city-within-a-city in Chicago for the World’s Fair (as well as the associated prostitutes and other people who would come into town to "service" those other itinerant workers), it easy for all those people to just vanish. And so H.H. Holmes began to build a murder hotel. A giant hotel, complete with secret incineration rooms, designed simply so that he could murder people in it. But poor, itinerant workers weren’t the only people Holmes liked to kill. Wealthier people with land and property were also good targets. His plan was simple – befriend people, get named in their life insurance policies (or will), murder them, and then get the money. He would also sell the skeletons of murder victims to medical institutions for EVEN MORE MONEY!. This business was so booming that he even used some land he inherited from someone he murdered to begin the process of opening up a SECOND murder hotel in Ft. Worth, Texas (he never was able to build it though). But you can only murder so many people and collect on their insurance before State Farm goes, “Hey! WAIT A MINUTE! This guy is on the insurance policy of a LOT of brutally murdered people!” He was arrested and hanged in Philadelphia. He confessed to 27 murders, but there are estimates that he might have killed over 230. Which means “Jolly Jane” Toppan wasn’t even close with her paltry 31 kills.

Ed Ranks the Miracles of Jesus

No way this one could be controversial, right?

10. Pulling a Coin from a Fish's Mouth

Tilapia and a Tyrian four shekel coin? NICE CATCH!

There is a reason that this lame-ass miracle is only in one of the four gospels (Matthew 17:24-27), and that's because it is a lame-ass miracle.  Pulling a coin from a fish's mouth? Really?! Is Jesus a shitty street magician?  Is Jesus David Blaine? Maybe Jesus can do that thing where he asks you which of the three cups the ball is under too. Maybe Jesus can steal your nose (spoiler: it's just his thumb placed in-between his middle and ring fingers). People were too easily impressed in the first century.  I'd also be remiss if I didn't note that Matthew doesn't actually say that this happened. It says that Jesus told Peter to go catch a fish and pull a coin from its mouth. It doesn't say that Peter did it and that actually happened. I guess it's supposed to be implied. But maybe Peter did it and nothing happened at all and he was like, "Oh Jesus, that prankster! He got me again!" Technically nothing in the bible contracts that possibility. 

9. Cursing a Fig Tree

Fuck this particular tree.

Mark (11:12–2) and Matthew (21:18–22) tell a story about Jesus being hungry and seeing a fig tree. But fig trees don't produce figs all year. They only produce figs in-season. You know, like all other plant life. Because that's how botany works. Jesus got angry that the fig tree didn't have any figs on it even though it wasn't fig season, and so he cursed the tree so that it would wither away and die. If every miracle was like this miracle, your general impression of Jesus would be that he's sort of a giant dick. In the book of Matthew, his disciples are super impressed by his ability to do this and are like, "Whoa, man! Awesome!"  If I were one of his disciples, I would have been like, "Dude, if you're going to perform a miracle... don't kill the tree. Just make the tree grow some figs out of season! Then we can eat them." I bet if I would have said that, Jesus would have been like, "Oh yeah, that's a much better idea. Thanks, Ed."

8. Transfiguration 

The three Synoptic Gospels (Matthew 17:1–8, Mark 9:2–8, Luke 9:28–36) all mention that Jesus went up to a mountain and began to shine brightly.  I'm sorry to break it to everyone, but to me it just sounds like Jesus slapped on some bronzer in the morning and got a really bitchin' tan. Or if we're going to take the "glowing" thing literally, then maybe the mountain was made of uranium-235. If that's the case, then maybe Pontius Pilate did Jesus a solid with that execution thing rather than him going out slowly and painfully over the course of many years like Marie Curie.

7. Exorcisms

Jesus performed seven major exorcisms of evil spirits, including at the synagogue of Capernaum (Mark 1:21–28;  Luke 4:31–37), the Gerasene demoniac (Mark 5:1-20; Luke 8:26-39; Matthew 8:28-34), and so on. Look, it was a ton of exorcisms. I'm not going to cite every single one of those. According to exactly zero of the biblical accounts did any of the exorcisms involve a girl's head spinning around and vomiting. This is really a shame.

6.  Walking on Water

Starting at $11,999.

Walking on water (Mark 6:45–53, Matthew 14:22–34; John 6:15–21) sounds pretty cool. But you know what's even cooler than WALKING on water? Waverunning on water. If Jesus really wanted to impress, he would have met his disciples on a Yamaha WaveRunner Performance Race Series VXR.  Its 4-cylinder, 4-stroke, 1.8 Liter High Output Yamaha Marine Engine with a Fuel Capacity of 18.5 gallons would have been the perfect way to show his disciples that Yamaha Revs Your Heart® and is agile, powerful and seriously fun. He could have even shown how riders can switch from forward to neutral to reverse with one pull of the throttle resulting in easier deceleration, reversing and docking. Yamaha is the most reliable and and innovative personal watercraft (PWC) on the market.

5. Turning Water into Wine

He could have also turned water into this. But He didn't.

There is probably a reason that the four canonical gospels jump from Jesus being a baby all the way to Jesus being a grown-ass man.  And that reason is that this whole "water to wine" thing probably meant that Jesus had some wild teenage years and the courts were forced to expunge his juvy record. Can you imagine all the frat parties that Jesus must have gone to where he made the whole place lit? His buddies wanted to go out and spend money on booze and he was like, "Nah, cuz. I got this." Oh sure, the bible only mentions one wedding in Cana (John 2:1-11) where Jesus did this after the party ran out of wine. But do you really think that was the ONLY time he did this? If you KNOW you can turn water into wine, that's not something you're only going to do once.

4. Feeding the Multitude

In all four gospels (Matthew 14:13-21; Mark 6:31-44; Luke 9:12-17; John 6:1-14), Jesus feeds 5000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish. I know, I know... maybe you're thinking that these were just really BIG loafs of bread and perhaps the fish were Whale Sharks. But furthermore, in Matthew (15:32-39) and Mark (8:1-9), he does this a second time by feeding 4000 people with seven loaves and a few small fish.  Yeah, this time it specifically notes that the fish are small. This is pretty impressive, and I don't think we're supposed to imply that he just gave everyone really small portions like a fancy, expensive restaurant. Although I guess the accounts don't necessarily mean that Jesus didn't do some sort of stone soup type of thing to get everyone to understand the value of sharing. Honestly, getting people to understand the value of sharing sounds like a pretty cool, Jesus-ey thing to do.

3. Calming the Storm

Jesus can control the weather (Matthew 8:23-27; Mark 4:35-41; Luke 8:22-25). This means Jesus is essentially Storm from X-Men. Which is awesome.

2.  Healing People 

"Bam! Healed! Now how do you want to handle the co-pay?"

As with the exorcism thing above, Jesus heals a TON of people. This is Jesus's M.O. When Jesus wants to prove he's got awesome miracle powers, all he has to do is heal someone. I'm not going to cite specific gospels for this one... but just know that he does a bunch of healing. Blindness. Leprosy. Paralysis. Withered Hands. Dropsy. Infirmity. Bleeding. The deaf mute of Decapolis. The centurion's servant. Peter's Mother-in-Law. He gives Malchus a new ear. The daughter of Jairus is "healed" according to the gospels of Mark and Luke (the story is different in Matthew, but I'll get to that below). Personally, I think Jesus was wasting his time with that whole carpentry thing. Really, he should have opened up an HMO.

1. Resurrection of the Dead

Yellow robe guy's reaction is EVERYTHING.

Look, if you're going to impress someone with miracles, then resurrecting the dead is a pretty damn solid way to do that.  Everyone knows about the Raising of Lazarus (John 11:1–44). I especially enjoy how in the Gospel of John, Jesus is being cryptic and mysterious about it and is talking in code. He's like, "Our friend Lazarus is asleep, but I am going to awaken him." Then his disciples are all like, "Oh, I guess that's cool, Jesus. But waking up an asleep guy isn't that impressive. We could do that." Then Jesus sighs deeply and is like, "No, you idiots. I mean he's dead and I'm going to bring him back." I'm not lying. That literally happens in the bible. Jesus's friends are too dumb to get his subtlety so he has to mansplain it to them. ANYWAY, the bible includes more than just raising Lazarus. There is also the story of the Young Man from Nain (Luke 7:11–17) as well as the Matthew (9:18–26) version of the daughter of Jairus where the daughter is dead rather than just sick. And I suppose he raises himself from the dead too, right? Does that one count? 

Ed Ranks 30 "Evil Names" Via a Random Evil Name Generator

Gloomlure The Ghoul. Or something like that.

Seventh Sanctum has an "Evil Name Generator" based on the Diablo II name generator, that assembles random words to create unique monster names.  It can randomly generate 20 evil names at a time. Here they are, ranked:

20. Belchhaunt - So this is a haunting burp or something? That's not very scary. It sounds like you don't need a crusading warrior to rid the world of this evil. You need some antacid.

19. Slashleaf - I am not threatened by your ability to slash leaves. Who cares? Sure, a machete that can slash vegitation can be a dangerous weapon when used against a person. But you're not using it against a person. You're using it against leaves. Try "Slashflesh" next time.

18. Twistspell The Grasping - "Spell" might be the only part about this which sounds even remotely scary. "Twist"-ing isn't scary. Twisting is how Chubby Checkers made White people slowly comfortable with Black music. It's totally non-threatening. And "grasping?" Whatever. I won't lose any sleep over someone grasping.

17. Moneylove The Mystic - Not. Scary. At. All. This sounds like the name of a Disc Jockey at a radio station in a beach town.

16. Chillmurk The Vomitous - Chillmurk? That's not that scary. And the fact that you vomit isn't that bad by itself. Perhaps Chillmurk The Vomitous is just a frat boy that drank too much and is now barfing it all out.

15. Stinkbeam The Unborn - How scary can you be if you haven't even been born yet? Is this some sort of evil monster about to be hatched from some egg soon? Well guess what! You're not hatched yet, so I'm just going to crush your egg, you unborn stinker.

14. Cinderbeam The Mage - Cinders are associated with fire. But the "beam" part sort of offsets that. Cinderbeam? That's just poor housing construction material.

13. Fastmouth The Stinking - This could be a Diablo II monster, or it could be the nickname of a toothless hooker with pungent body odor. The latter is probably more scary than the former.

12. Dashshock - Sounds like a villain in a 1990s cartoon where everyone wears their hats backwards and everything is "X-Treme."

11. Soulcinder The Berserk - Again with the cinders. Although your soul being burned to a cinder? YIKES!

10. Hauntfire The Construct - WHOA, Hauntfire? Holy smokes! I would hate to run into a monster named "Hauntfire." But "Hauntfire the Construct?" You should have stopped when you were ahead, HF.

9. Groundstorm The Necrotic - So what's a groundstorm? Is that like an earthquake? And is being necrotic supposed to scare me? The fact that you have dead bodily tissue means that you're likely injured which is less scary. Still, a pretty cryptic name.

8. Carnalburn The Striker - The words "carnal" and "burn" together can only mean one thing: Sexually Transmitted Disease. And "The Striker?" This is obviously the soccer player who spreads the STD. I'm not saying it's Cristiano Ronaldo. But it's totally Cristiano Ronaldo.

7. Stinkanger The Drowned - Yikes. Stinkanger the Drowned? Sounds like an apt description of Jason Vorhees. Come on, you know he's got to be stinky.

6. Shockwire - Especially scary if you're an electrician. Like #17 above, this could also be a radio DJ.

5. Waterpuke The All-devouring - Vomiting and puking themes to be a theme on this random name generator, but the "all-devouring" part of this name is what's really creepy and scary.

4. Rotsoak The Resurrected - Yet another good description of Jason Vorhees.

3. Pukelurk The Unstoppable - Best avoid messing with any evil monsters that are unstoppable.

2. Gloomlure The Ghoul - Yep, that's an evil name. 

1. Horrorshiver - Wow, scary. Best turn and run when you come upon "Horrorshiver."

Ed Ranks Seinfeld Characters

A logo. How interesting.

HEY! Seinfeld is a show that everybody remembers and loves, right? You can still watch it every day on cable. How about I rank it's characters?  The four main characters are probably too small of a number of characters to rank, so I'll rank all characters that appear in over 20 episodes. Except Ruthie Cohen, who appeared as an extra at the cafe in over a hundred episodes. She doesn't count.

Uncle Leo only appeared in 15 episodes and Puddy was only in 11. So you won't see them. Sorry. Feel free to write and complain about it to my official email address, goeatabagofdicks@rickflair2020.net

11. Cosmo Kramer - Seriously, fuck this guy. Is this not the most annoying neighbor ever? I know that is supposed to be the point of him, but if this guy was my neighbor I would literally murder him. He's not funny or "wacky." He's just awful. I know some of this animosity might be filtered by a Michael Richard's post N-Word rants... but who cares? I never really liked him before or after.

10. Susan Ross - By now, you probably know that everyone in the cast and crew of Seinfeld hated Susan Ross. And by that, I don't mean that they wanted to kill off the character because they thought that, for story line purposes, having George with a fiancée was a dead end story. I mean that practically EVERYONE who made the show despised the actress that played Susan, Heidi Swedberg, and wanted her off the show so that they would never have to see her again. And so they killed her. With stamps.

9. Estelle Costanza - Hearing Estelle Harris talk is about the same as jamming a sharpened pencil into your ear. Is that antisemitic to say? God, I hope not.

7/8 (Tie).  Helen and Morty Seinfeld - Seinfeld's mom and dad just kind of existed on the show, didn't they? What did they ever do that was interesting? Not much. They were just there. It was like, "Oh Yeah, I guess Jerry should have parents, huh? Let's use them to make fun of retirement homes."

6. J. Peterman - Peterman was in a lot of episodes in the last several seasons. I guess he was sort of a funny character. There was that whole poppy seed thing. Remember that? Eh.

This Wikipedia image seems like a good hotlink.

5. Jerry Seinfeld - That's right. Jerry himself, the main character, is down here at five. Remember my ranking of Final Fantasy XII characters? Remember how I argued that the main character was the most boring character? This applies the same here. Jerry is the show's straight man that liked cereal, Superman, and constantly dated and then discarded women for nonsensical reasons. Whatever. That's about all there is to him.

4. Frank Costanza - Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza is awesome. Any episode with Frank is going to be a good episode. And did I mention Festivus yet? Because FESTIVUS, PEOPLE!!!

3. Newman - Hell yeah, Newman! It's sort of arbitrary that a stand-up comedian that lives in an apartment in Manhattan has an ARCH NEMESIS, but then again arbitrary can be a good thing. It's a shame that Newman got killed by those Dilophosauruses though, huh?

2. Elaine Benes - This was actually pretty hard, and I was originally thinking of ranking Elaine as #1.  But really, I'm just thinking about how awesome Julia Louis-Dreyfus is in Veep. Elaine is still great, but there is one better...

1. George Costanza - It's often said that George Costanza was based on Larry David himself.  The more I watch reruns of Seinfeld though, I'm convinced that EVERY CHARACTER was Larry David, in one way or another. But George mostly so.  Trust me, this show was really Costanza, not Seinfeld. Like how Dawson's Creek was really Pacey's Creek. 

Ed Ranks Things to do with Activated Charcoal Now that it's 2018

You're probably not strong enough to press this into a diamond.
So that option doesn't even make this list.

So, you're a brainless moron that likes to follow lame fads, huh? Yeah, 2017 was the year of activated charcoal. Activated charcoal ice cream. Activated charcoal toothpaste. Smoothies. Pizza. Detox pills. And so on.

But as a brainless moron that follows fads, you now realize that it's 2018 rather than 2017, and therefore all the magical properties of activated charcoal in 2017 have magically vanished in favor of whatever the new fad is this year. What are you going to do with all those stockpiles of activated charcoal that you bought last year?

Well, I have some ideas...

10. Do Crazy Pranks with It Where You Pretend it's Grampa's Ashes - This is in pretty poor taste, so I wouldn't recommend it. Hypothetically, you could find some old urn at an antiques shop (or just buy a flower pot that sort of looks like an urn) and carry it around with you on the subway. Then pretend to trip up and spill the activated charcoal everywhere. Then when you do, put on the fake tears and go, "Grandpaaaaa, noooooo!" Why would you do this? Just to make other people uncomfortable? I don't know. Look, I already said I wouldn't recommend doing this. I'm just throwing it out there.

9. Try to Turn It into Pencils or Something Like That - Activated charcoal is made from carbon. So is the graphite in pencils. Surely there must be some way to take all your activated charcoal and turn it into pencils or something, right? You might need to do some more research on this one.

8. Try to Create New Life, You Mad Scientist You - All life as we know it is made from carbon, as we are carbon-based lifeforms. Using this base carbon material, perhaps you'll want to see if you can replace God herself and create new life in some Dr. Frankenstein-like experiement.  The reason why this probably won't be likely is because mad scientists are typically... well... scientists. And scientists usually don't buy into unscientific fads like buying activated carbon for nonsensical reasons.

7. Grill with It - Charcoal is charcoal, people. Might as well see if you can at least get some tasty burgers out of this ordeal.

6. Try to Give it All to Gwyneth Paltrow - This sounds like exactly the type of crap that Goop is still selling. Maybe try to make it her problem now.

5. Actually Use It for Its Intended Medical Purpose - Activated charcoal can bind to other substances on its surface, meaning that there is actually a valid medical purpose hidden somewhere behind the hype. Its been shown to help people survive ingestion of toxins and arsenic. But what the hell are you? A spy or something? Who is going to give you arsenic?

4. Throw It in the Garbage - Look, you're not going to have a return on investment if you choose this option. Still, sometimes it's better to just cut your losses and be done with the whole thing.

3. Hold on to It for 4 Years, then Ship it to the Mid-West for Profit - If you still feel like there is a chance you can make some money off of your poor life choices, then you should maybe put your activated charcoal in a corner of your garage for four years and let it sit there for a bit. Remember that people who live in fly-over states are already five years behind the times anyway. In about five years, the activated charcoal craze should JUST be starting in Minnesota. Then it's time to SELL SELL SELL.

2. Assemble It into a Giant Art Piece that Condemns Mankind's Hubris - This one is fairly self-explanatory.

1. Light It Aflame and Burn all the Fidget Spinners that You Also Bought Last Year - Let's not mince words here. If you bought anything with activated charcoal in it last year, chances are you also bought at least eight fidget spinners. As explained above, charcoal burns. You might as well create a pyre now to burn all your 2017 regrets. Try not to breathe in the fumes from the burning plastic of the fidget spinners though - it's probably toxic. Although I guess you could put on a gas mask to avoid the fumes. The mask uses activated charcoal as a filter to... no... WAIT!... you burned all your activated charcoal! The gas mask is worthless now. Well, I guess you'll die. Guess you should have stuck with the kale fad, you brainless moron.