Ed Ranks the Seven Deadly Sins

The original Wheel of Fortune, by Hieronymus Bosch.

Happy (almost) New Year everybody. Boy we sure are ready for this murderous 2016 to end, huh? Let's go out with a bang and talk about the things you'll be doing after drinking several drinks on New Year's Eve. No, I'm not talking about puking. I'm talking about sinning.


7. Pride - Pride, aka hubris, is the lamest of the so-called cardinal sins. People who are just so full of themselves are the worst. Just look at Kanye West. Who doesn't want to just take a lead pipe to his head and smash it into something that looks like cherry jello? With little bits of marshmallow in it. You see, there will be skull. So in this analogy, the little bits of shattered skull vaguely resemble marshmallows. Whatever.

6. Gluttony - If you're going to sin, there are a lot more fun things you can do than simply being an overindulgent fatass. Gluttony doesn't even stand out that much, because it's just sort of a sub-sin of the upcoming greed, isn't it? Except a greed for food.

5. Envy - Envy is a pretty annoying sin. Super jealous people are incredibly annoying. They always have a chip on their shoulder. Although in moderation it has its place. It's sort of normal to see that someone else has something and want that for yourself, right? Just don't take it to incredible douche levels. This is also sort of just a spin-off of greed too though when you think about it. And why exactly is green associated with envy? Where does that come from. It seems like the type of thing I'd usually research as a fun-fact to write here, but I'm too lazy. Look it up yourself. This is Ed Ranks Everything, not Google.

4. Greed - This twice aforementioned sin is also known as avarice. I think of greed as being more like a middle-ground sin in terms of how interesting or bad it is. On the one hand, I can certainly understand that robbers and thieves are bad people. But on the other hand, the entire system of capitalism is also sort of focused around human being by nature being greedy assholes. I also find it highly interesting that while the medieval Church was creating these deadly sin things to preach to people about, they were also selling indulgences for the forgiveness of sins. You know, selling as in selling for profit. To make money. Go figure.

3. Wrath - Wrath (AKA anger, rage, hatred, or that thing you feel after Coldplay comes on the radio) is awesome. I love wrath. It's a fantastic sin and now we're really hitting some awesome sins! Just look up again and read what I wanted to do to Kanye. It was so therapeutic to type that. I love watching a good revenge movie. Death Wish, Kill Bill, The Crow, Sleepers, most of the watchable Mel Gibson films... these are all revenge movies and you always root for the wrath-filled man or woman out for revenge. You know why Law Abiding Citizen sucked? Because it was a revenge movie where revenge was depicted as wrong and self-destructive. Don't give me that crap. That would be like if Bruce Wayne's parents were killed and he decided to dedicate his life to improving the Gotham school system and increasing opportunities for the social advancement of at-risk youths. Nobody would ever read a comic about that. Everybody wants Bruce Wayne to dress up in a black outfit depicting a scary-ass, blood-sucking animal, and to beat the living shit out of criminals.

2. Lust - For the most part, how is this even a sin? This just happens. It's wired into us at the core of our existence to lust. If it's a sin to feel lust every time they throw Kate Beckinsale in tight black leather for another damn Underworld movie then I guess I'm just going to have to be a lifelong sinner. I mean just look at her Instagram. Although like with gluttony, envy and greed - isn't this just another sort of riff on the same "desire" sort of sin? All four could have been merged into one sin called "desire" and then we'd have the much more simple "four" deadly sins. But I guess they had to stretch it out to seven for symbolic purposes or something.

This sleepy little seal does absolutely jack shit all day.
I envy (also a sin) its obviously amazing slothful life.

1. Sloth - Sloth is just the best. Nothing in the world makes me happier than a day where I can sleep in and just do nothing. If I have to choose between any other sin and sloth, I'll usually side with sloth. Should I get up and eat something and be a gluttonous fatso? Nah, I'll just stay in bed. That guy said a really mean thing about me - should I wrathfully take revenge on him somehow? Nah, I'll just do whatever I was doing before, which was wasting away in complete apathy. I'm so lazy that it's amazing I'm even still doing these rankings.