Ed Ranks eBay Results for "The Bones of My Enemies"

The Aztecs knew how to party. With, you know, walls of skulls.

Hey, remember eBay?  Do people still use it?  It's where I bought all my old Transformers in the early 2000s.

Well, now it's 2018 and I was thinking what I might want to purchase on eBay today. The first thing that came to my mind was, "The Bones of my Enemies," for no reason at all.  And since I am not a Saudi Prince, I can't just arrange that myself via hit squad.  But could I buy them on eBay? Well, apparently not.  But what were the top 10 results for that specific search term, based on my own prioritization of results?   Well, they were these...

10. The Temple of My Familiar by Alice Walker (paperback) - Wait. What? This doesn't really match any of the search terms I entered other than  the words "of" and "my."  What a terrible failure you are, eBay.

9. Several Novels titled "In The Presence Of My [or Mine] Enemies" - There were, like, 30 different books with this exact same name, which is annoying.  Based on that, I figured it must be a bible quote.  Is it a bible quote?  Yep.  This one pretty much only hit on the word "enemies."

8.  A Book named "Inheritors of My Mountains: Contending with the Enemies of Destiny" - This is a book, and hence it is boring. READING IS LAME. YOU'RE LAME FOR EVEN READING THIS NOW. 

7. A Book named "The Cellophane Men: The Enemy of My Enemies : The Johnson Years (1963 - 1969)" - Another book, I guess this time a nonfiction account of President Lyndon Johnson's presidency.  Why even bother reading an LBJ bio if it's not by Robert Dallek? I mean come on.

6. I'M NOT PARANOID, WHICH OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THAT? T-Shirt All Sizes - A T-Shirt that says exactly what that sentence says it says. I guess it's sort of funny.

5. Tears of My Enemies Women V-Neck T-shirt NEW - Same joke as the coffee mug (see #3 below), but I guess for women only and minus the sweet Viking element.

4. Blood of My Enemies [Digipak] by Attika 7 (CD, 2012, Rocket Science) NEW Sealed - This is a CD by a metal band you have never heard of that hasn't paid to keep up their website with GoDaddy. So I guess they're inactive. Their lead singer is that guy from Biohzard that keeps marrying pornstars.  I'm not saying 100% he has HPV, but he probably has HPV.  Hey, the whole album is $1.99, which is only a few cents more than buying one song.  I dunno. Maybe check out some YouTube videos first and see if you're in to them before you spend a whole two bucks on this.

3. Scandinavian Norse Viking Ceramic Coffee Tea Mug The Tears of my Enemies - A coffee mug with a horn-capped skull and crossbones (well, cross-axes), stating that the coffee mug contains "the Tears of my Enemies."  This is awesome.  But I think it would be cooler if it was blood of my enemies. Tears?  Vikings weren't well known for collecting tears.  This seems like it's probably just a riff on the "liberal tears" coffee mugs that white supremacists that deny that they are white supremacists enjoy drinking from.

2. Blood Of My Enemies Wine Glass 10oz / 20oz Stemmed / 17oz Stemless - Yeah, a nice, clear drinking glass that states it contains the blood of my enemies. This is good. Blood is much better than tears. But probably only effective if you're drinking red Kool-Aid.  What particular flavor?  I just told you.  Red.  Oh wait. Wine. This is probably for drinking wine since that's red too.  Even better!

1. I Just Want to Drink Mead From The Skulls Of My Enemies - Hanes Tagless Tee T-Shirt 

SWEEEEEEET. This is pretty much exactly what I was looking for with this search. Instead of getting "bones" I got "skulls," but the skull is a bone. So this one was near perfect.  Also, mead is nice because it's alcohol and I have a drinking problem.  Also, its like something that medieval people liked to drink.  I mean, you can get it from the Renaissance faire.