The final ranking of the year (obviously). So it's a time to look back.
I've occasionally had some lists of ideas to do for rankings, and ideas stayed on those lists forever and ever. I just never did them. Or I was going to do them, and by the time I got around to remembering/seeing it, the idea was no longer topical/funny.
For that reason, here are fifteen things that I've just decided to wipe from my list because I will never actually do them.
15. Lists
Honestly, I have no idea where I was going with this one. It stayed on my list of ideas for years and I never deleted it, because I'd figure I'd eventually remember what I was going for. I did already do a joke ranking that was "Ed Ranks Rankings". Was this the same idea? Does the fact that rankings are already listicles mean that somehow ranking lists is funny? I'm not sure. So let me just scratch this one and never speak of it again.
14. Shoes
This was on my list for a while too. Was I drunk when I put this down? I do not care about shoes. Maybe my wife suggested it. Is that sexist to say? I honestly do not care enough about shoes to rank them.
13. Sodas
One form of carbonated sugar water is basically the same as another form of sugar water. I'm not sure why this was ever on my list of ideas either, since I don't really drink soda or care. Besides, Dr. Pepper is obviously #1 so why bother?
12. Languages
This one could have gone bad really quickly and verged into race/cultural issues, so it's no surprise that this one lingered on a Notepad.txt file forever and never formed beyond the one word I dedicated to it. That word being "languages," obviously.
11. Cocktails/Wines
There are too many of these things to rank, and I'm sure I'd leave some really good ones off. With food and drink items, sometimes I'm just in a different mood for a different thing and I'd rank the same thing totally different on different days. And with wine, I know almost nothing beyond "red" and "white." I'm okay with that. If I ever start talking about the complexity of tannins and/or the benefits of decanting then I give you permission to shoot me in the face. I already ranked countries by beer and whisk[e]y, and that is good enough for me.
10. U.S. Presidents
I always thought about ranking U.S. presidents as a counterpiece to the three-part Monarchs of England rankings, but I sort of always knew I would never do it. Why? Politics, for one. It's hard to make any ranking that isn't just loaded with politics, especially for more recent Presidents. And, as you'll see as the rankings continue below, political-themed rankings were often put on my to-do list and then promptly never done. I left this one on my list even after I ranked Presidents by facial hair, just in case I decided I'd eventually do this. But now I'm declaring that I never will. Other people have done this and I'm not going to as well. Deal with it. If you're interested in me ranking heads of state, then you should just remain satisfied with me ranking Prime Ministers of Trinidad and Tobago by their middle names.
9. First Ladies
It was much more likely that I'd rank First Ladies than I ever would rank the Presidents themselves, so I left this one on my idea list for a long time, figuring I might get around to it one day. But how would I do this? I imagine it would take a LOT of research about some people I know almost nothing about. Eh. The time I'd have to dedicate to doing would go way beyond my actual interest in doing it.
8. Coney Island Theme Parks
Every once and a while I throw up quick/dumb ones that have only a limited number of options to choose from, are of minimal interest to any human beings, and that I can crank out in a few minutes as spam because I'm totally out of ideas. This would have been one of them and Steeplechase Park would have been #1. Sorry to all the fans of Dreamland, the original Luna Park, and Astroland who may be out there.
7. Movies that Were Better than the Book
This seemed like a good idea and I actually started to do a little research into it, as if I was going to write it. But in the end, it's super difficult because there are so many movies and so many books out there. And I will have had to have both read the books and seen the movies to make a proper judgment. Or just fake the whole thing by seeing what other people have to say on the subject and just parrot their thoughts. I didn't want to do that, so I abandoned this one.
6. The Periodic Table (Elements)
I started writing this one and then stopped after doing a few. Why? Oh sure, some elements are clearly cooler than others. Everybody knows that Arsenic is inherently cooler than Seaborgium and Oxygen can kick Lanthanum's butt. There are awesome and interesting elements like Neon, Plutonium, Mercury, etc. that I could write a line or two about. But who is to say whether Bismuth is cooler than Cadmium, or if Praseodymium is any more interesting than Molybdenum? There are now 118 officially recognized elements on the periodic table, and ranking all 118 of these bad boys was just going to be too long and include too many elements I simply care nothing about.
5. Trump Executive Orders
Early in the Trump Presidency, there were a number of (terrible and racist, naturally) Executive Orders. I was going to rank them. I didn't. Why? Again, the whole "ugh, politics" thing. Plus after I delayed doing it for too long, there were simply more and more Executive Orders. At this time of writing, there are nearly 90 of them. That's too many to rank.
4. Pro Wrestling Finishers
I kept this on the list on the list for a while because I kept thinking I'd actually do it, and that it would be a little fun. But I already did a few rankings related to Pro Wrestling, and I don't think I want to turn this into a blog about something I haven't actually watched for two decades. Besides, I think I was going to end the whole thing with a joke by ranking #1 as Hulk Hogan's lawsuit finisher on Gawker. And now that joke is old and worthless too. Hulk Hogan's actual leg drop finisher is a giant piece of crap. The best finisher is probably a Cutter, or some variation thereof. Maybe the front facelock? I dunno.
3. Write-in Candidates
Political again. I was going to put this one up in the fall of 2016, after Clinton and Trump were chosen as the respective party nominees, as a joke post about other people you could write in at election time as a protest vote. I never got around to writing it before the election, so it's no longer topical. Plus I think the basic idea of this might have already been accomplished with my beloved #racistgoat2016 ranking.
2. College Sports Mascots
Another one that I actually started writing before I abandoned it and threw it away. Why? Because I had to do a lot of google searching for stupid mascots. And I found plenty of stupid mascots, that's for sure. The Stanford Tree. Brutus Buckeye. There are tons of them. My problem is that I found all my search results in goddamn internet listicles that were all basically, "The 20 Worst College Mascots, Ranked!" Which means I wasn't going to add anything new to the conversation. I'd just do the same thing that a bunch of hack internet sports writers have already done. Also, most of them are idiots by including the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs as a terrible mascot. That is nonsense. Banana Slugs are an obviously awesome mascot.
1. Everything in his Shower
Does this sound dumb? It is. But this might be the oldest ranking idea that I never did. I probably had this idea on a list of things to rank even before the first ranking post went up. When I said, "Yeah, I'll start ranking things. What should I rank?", one of my earliest ideas was just taking a picture of everything sitting in my shower caddy and ranking them. This is a perfectly stupid and mundane idea that I loved from the beginning. But then again, why would I show and/or tell people what's in my shower caddy? My particular grooming and cleaning products seems a bit too personal to share. I still enjoy how dumb this idea is, but since I've gone three years without ever putting this one up... I'm just going to decide that no, it's never happening.
I've occasionally had some lists of ideas to do for rankings, and ideas stayed on those lists forever and ever. I just never did them. Or I was going to do them, and by the time I got around to remembering/seeing it, the idea was no longer topical/funny.
For that reason, here are fifteen things that I've just decided to wipe from my list because I will never actually do them.
15. Lists
Honestly, I have no idea where I was going with this one. It stayed on my list of ideas for years and I never deleted it, because I'd figure I'd eventually remember what I was going for. I did already do a joke ranking that was "Ed Ranks Rankings". Was this the same idea? Does the fact that rankings are already listicles mean that somehow ranking lists is funny? I'm not sure. So let me just scratch this one and never speak of it again.
 |
| This would be a dumb thing to do a list about. |
This was on my list for a while too. Was I drunk when I put this down? I do not care about shoes. Maybe my wife suggested it. Is that sexist to say? I honestly do not care enough about shoes to rank them.
13. Sodas
One form of carbonated sugar water is basically the same as another form of sugar water. I'm not sure why this was ever on my list of ideas either, since I don't really drink soda or care. Besides, Dr. Pepper is obviously #1 so why bother?
12. Languages
This one could have gone bad really quickly and verged into race/cultural issues, so it's no surprise that this one lingered on a Notepad.txt file forever and never formed beyond the one word I dedicated to it. That word being "languages," obviously.
11. Cocktails/Wines
There are too many of these things to rank, and I'm sure I'd leave some really good ones off. With food and drink items, sometimes I'm just in a different mood for a different thing and I'd rank the same thing totally different on different days. And with wine, I know almost nothing beyond "red" and "white." I'm okay with that. If I ever start talking about the complexity of tannins and/or the benefits of decanting then I give you permission to shoot me in the face. I already ranked countries by beer and whisk[e]y, and that is good enough for me.
10. U.S. Presidents
I always thought about ranking U.S. presidents as a counterpiece to the three-part Monarchs of England rankings, but I sort of always knew I would never do it. Why? Politics, for one. It's hard to make any ranking that isn't just loaded with politics, especially for more recent Presidents. And, as you'll see as the rankings continue below, political-themed rankings were often put on my to-do list and then promptly never done. I left this one on my list even after I ranked Presidents by facial hair, just in case I decided I'd eventually do this. But now I'm declaring that I never will. Other people have done this and I'm not going to as well. Deal with it. If you're interested in me ranking heads of state, then you should just remain satisfied with me ranking Prime Ministers of Trinidad and Tobago by their middle names.
9. First Ladies
It was much more likely that I'd rank First Ladies than I ever would rank the Presidents themselves, so I left this one on my idea list for a long time, figuring I might get around to it one day. But how would I do this? I imagine it would take a LOT of research about some people I know almost nothing about. Eh. The time I'd have to dedicate to doing would go way beyond my actual interest in doing it.
 |
| Ye olde black & white theme park picture. |
Every once and a while I throw up quick/dumb ones that have only a limited number of options to choose from, are of minimal interest to any human beings, and that I can crank out in a few minutes as spam because I'm totally out of ideas. This would have been one of them and Steeplechase Park would have been #1. Sorry to all the fans of Dreamland, the original Luna Park, and Astroland who may be out there.
7. Movies that Were Better than the Book
This seemed like a good idea and I actually started to do a little research into it, as if I was going to write it. But in the end, it's super difficult because there are so many movies and so many books out there. And I will have had to have both read the books and seen the movies to make a proper judgment. Or just fake the whole thing by seeing what other people have to say on the subject and just parrot their thoughts. I didn't want to do that, so I abandoned this one.
6. The Periodic Table (Elements)
I started writing this one and then stopped after doing a few. Why? Oh sure, some elements are clearly cooler than others. Everybody knows that Arsenic is inherently cooler than Seaborgium and Oxygen can kick Lanthanum's butt. There are awesome and interesting elements like Neon, Plutonium, Mercury, etc. that I could write a line or two about. But who is to say whether Bismuth is cooler than Cadmium, or if Praseodymium is any more interesting than Molybdenum? There are now 118 officially recognized elements on the periodic table, and ranking all 118 of these bad boys was just going to be too long and include too many elements I simply care nothing about.
5. Trump Executive Orders
Early in the Trump Presidency, there were a number of (terrible and racist, naturally) Executive Orders. I was going to rank them. I didn't. Why? Again, the whole "ugh, politics" thing. Plus after I delayed doing it for too long, there were simply more and more Executive Orders. At this time of writing, there are nearly 90 of them. That's too many to rank.
 |
| Thanks for the stick figure suplex animation, Wikipedia |
4. Pro Wrestling Finishers
I kept this on the list on the list for a while because I kept thinking I'd actually do it, and that it would be a little fun. But I already did a few rankings related to Pro Wrestling, and I don't think I want to turn this into a blog about something I haven't actually watched for two decades. Besides, I think I was going to end the whole thing with a joke by ranking #1 as Hulk Hogan's lawsuit finisher on Gawker. And now that joke is old and worthless too. Hulk Hogan's actual leg drop finisher is a giant piece of crap. The best finisher is probably a Cutter, or some variation thereof. Maybe the front facelock? I dunno.
3. Write-in Candidates
Political again. I was going to put this one up in the fall of 2016, after Clinton and Trump were chosen as the respective party nominees, as a joke post about other people you could write in at election time as a protest vote. I never got around to writing it before the election, so it's no longer topical. Plus I think the basic idea of this might have already been accomplished with my beloved #racistgoat2016 ranking.
2. College Sports Mascots
Another one that I actually started writing before I abandoned it and threw it away. Why? Because I had to do a lot of google searching for stupid mascots. And I found plenty of stupid mascots, that's for sure. The Stanford Tree. Brutus Buckeye. There are tons of them. My problem is that I found all my search results in goddamn internet listicles that were all basically, "The 20 Worst College Mascots, Ranked!" Which means I wasn't going to add anything new to the conversation. I'd just do the same thing that a bunch of hack internet sports writers have already done. Also, most of them are idiots by including the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs as a terrible mascot. That is nonsense. Banana Slugs are an obviously awesome mascot.
 |
| Not pictured: My shower. That would be weird. |
Does this sound dumb? It is. But this might be the oldest ranking idea that I never did. I probably had this idea on a list of things to rank even before the first ranking post went up. When I said, "Yeah, I'll start ranking things. What should I rank?", one of my earliest ideas was just taking a picture of everything sitting in my shower caddy and ranking them. This is a perfectly stupid and mundane idea that I loved from the beginning. But then again, why would I show and/or tell people what's in my shower caddy? My particular grooming and cleaning products seems a bit too personal to share. I still enjoy how dumb this idea is, but since I've gone three years without ever putting this one up... I'm just going to decide that no, it's never happening.
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