Ed Ranks "The Greats" by Greatness, Part I

Bitch, what?! Just an honorable mention?!

Lots of rulers have been named "the Great" over history, especially by their sycophantic devotees. It's a lot more than the 20 rulers that I'm ranking over the next three postings. But not really all of them deserve to be called "the Great." I can't possible list everyone, so I'm only going to rank people who are mostly or typically called "the Great," more so than others. So, while some people might call King Louis XIV of France "the Great," most people know him by the nickname "the Sun King." Sometimes Justinian I is called "Justinian the Great," but mainly he's just "Justinian I." Not that something like Wikipedia should be an end-all decision maker on this one, but if the Wikipedia article is actually named "X the Great," that's a good sign that it's the most common name they are known by.

So how am I deciding who the top 20 are? A few factors:

• How famous are these people? Is their legacy big enough that the average person has heard of them before?
• How much territory did they rule? Ruling a giant and powerful empire and being called "the Great" afterwards is obviously a lot better than being called that title for ruling a little chuck of shit like Wales (no offense, Llywelyn). 
• How long did they rule for? Being great for decades is a lot better than being great for a few years

As with some of the other "long" rankings I've done, I'm going to break this one up into multiple parts. Fun!

Honorable Mention: Ramesses "the Great"

This guy only gets an honorable mention because while I certainly think of Ramesses II as "the Great," apparently "Ramses II" is the much more frequently used title. Oh well. This is exactly the Ramesses that you think he is. As with Herod the Great (see below), this was a historic figure who got mixed up in Judaeo-Christian tales (he's usually believed to be the unnamed pharaoh of the Exodus). The history we do know is that he was the third pharaoh of the Nineteenth Dynasty of Egypt. He is often regarded as the greatest, most celebrated, and most powerful pharaoh of the New Kingdom, itself the most powerful period of Ancient Egypt. He took the throne as a teenager, and the early part of his reign was focused on building cities, temples, and monuments. Of course, he went on to lead several military expeditions into the Levant, reasserting Egyptian control over Canaan. He also led expeditions to the south, into Nubia and Libya. He also battled ancient sea pirates too, which is sweet! I have ranked the top 5 Pharaohs of Egypt before, so I've already talked a little about him (so you can read more there). Though you can never be certain with the years back then, he ruled for about 66 years, and had monuments built to his greatness at Abu Simbel, Abydos, Ramesseum (I mean yeah, obviously), Luxor, and Karnak. Yeah, he kicked a lot of butt. But some disagree that "the Great" actually belongs as a proper title for him. Therefore he's sitting here in Honorable Mention territory, rather than above some of these lesser "the Greats" who he is clearly greater than.

20. Antiochus III the Great 

At least his coin was interesting.

This dude is not that great at all. He ruled the Seleucid Empire (a Greek-culture empire, based out of Syria), and basically gave himself the name "the Great" rather than earning it. He assumed the throne at age 18 and had a number of battles against the Ptolemaic Kingdom (another Greek state, this time based out of Egypt). However, he was largely unsuccessful against them. In the middle of his reign, he was a bit more successful and expanded his empire from Greece to India. However, again towards the end of his reign, he waged a four-year war against the Roman Republic and was completely defeated at the Battle of Magnesia. If anything, he should be called "Antiochus III the Pretty Okay Who Had a Good Few Years Mixed With Some Not So Good Years."


19. Farrukhan the Great 

Ruler of Tabaristan (a province in Northern Iran) for 16 years. A pretty obscure ruler of a pretty obscure kingdom. And not for that long. Surely greater men could have been called "the Great." Yet that's what this Farrukhan is called. Don't blame me for the nomenclature.

18. Herod the Great

These worldly babies probably had it coming!

You've probably heard of this dude from "the Massacre of the Innocents" in the Gospel of Matthew if from nothing else. Herod was a Jewish"client" king of Judea from 37 BC to 4 BC, which puts him squarely around Jesus-ish time. Who was the he "client" of? Rome, obviously. People's opinion of his legacy is obviously somewhat split, with some seeing him as a great builder who launched massive construction projects (including expanding the Temple Mount) and, well, Christians, who view him as the man who orchestrated the aforementioned massacre, to coincide with the birth of Jesus. As you might be aware, 4BC would be about, oh, 4 years off from when that little rascal who was always turning water into wine was born.  "Herod experts" (if such a thing exists), believe that the biblical story from the Gospel (Herod ordering the execution of all male children 2 years old and under near of Bethlehem, including his own) is totally fictional. Without getting into that, Herod took a somewhat loose organization of the "Hasmonean Dynasty" and reorganized it into the more powerful Kingdom of Judea. Was he a terrible, murderous tyrant in addition to state-builder and building builder? Eh, maybe. But who wasn't in those days?


17. Cnut the Great

No, I swear! It's NOT CUNT!

No, not Cunt. Cnut! Cnut Sweynsson (aka Canute) was sort of the O.G. William the Conqueror. He was a Viking-blooded invader of England who seized power of the kingdom from the weak rulers of the House of Wessex (successors to Alfred the Great). Yet everybody sort of forgets about the fact that 50 years before William the Conqurer invaded and conqured England, Cnut the Great did the same thing. And he ruled for two decades! When he eventually died in 1035, he was actually king of three countries - England, Denmark, and Norway. He spent a lot of his time as King of England shoring up his reputation by "defending" it against the Viking raiders, which is ironic considering he was a Viking raider himself and was actually in command of the raiders he was defending his kingdom from. I guess that's what conspiracy nuts today would call a false flag operation. "Look how great I am, England! I'm defending you from the Vikings! What do mean that I am a Viking and that I'm actually the one who led the Viking attacks on you? Shut up! Now they aren't, so I'm a pretty good king, huh?"

16. Vladimir the Great

Vlad was Prince of Novgorod, Grand Prince of Kiev, and ruler of Kievan Rus' from 980 to 1015.  Vladimir consolidated the Kievan realm from modern-day Belarus, Russia and Ukraine to the Baltic Sea. He also solidified the frontiers against incursions of Bulgarians, Baltic tribes, and Eastern nomads. For the first part of his reign he was a Pagan ruler, but then converted to Christianity in the middle, which also leaves him with a legacy as being known as "Saint Vladimir." Wow, talk about a two-fer! This dude gets to be a "the Great" and a saint? Alas, his fame and notoriety doesn't seem to extend these days far beyond Ukraine and Russia.

15. Llywelyn the Great

His mustache was great, at least.

By the time Llywelyn came around, Wales was somewhat dominated by the English (really "the Normans") who took either directly took over Welsh lands as "marcher lords" to rule, or subjected Welsh "princes" to pay homage to England. This was especially true during and after the reign of Henry II.  Llywelyn became Prince of Gwynedd through battle in 1195 (during the reign of Henry II's son, Richard the Lionheart), and quickly tried to make himself more powerful. Gwynedd was in the north of Wales, while the most powerful of the Welsh lands was Powys Wenwynwyn, in the south. Yet after Powys' king/prince died, Llywelyn moved in and did some boss moves to try to expand his rule to all of Wales, rather than just the north. Between 1200 and 1209, now during the reign of King John, he consolidated his power throughout Wales. He and John had a good enough relationship so that Llywelyn married John's daughter, Joan, and they fought together against the King of Scotland, William I. But in 1210, King John had to "check" Llywelyn and put his ass back in line, reminding him that as a Welshman he's just a "prince" to John's "king"-ness, and making him may tributes, homage, and give over hostages. The other Welsh princes, who weren't fans of Llywelyn because he was trying to take their lands, sided with John. Until, you know, they didn't. Fortunes flipped again and Llywelyn established himself as an independent leader of Wales, with the other princes of Wales accepting the fact that they were "lesser" princes in 1216. By that time, King John was having troubles of his own with his barons. Llywelyn's rule would go on for a long time, lasting until 1240. He secured an independent and united Wales that lasted until... well... until Edward I decided that the whole "independent Welsh Princes" thing was no good and he totally destroyed them.

To be continued, with Part II in four days. You know the drill.