Ed Ranks the Top 5 Pharaohs of Egypt

Pharaohs, there were a lot of them. The "Predynastic" pharaohs start around 3150 BC. Ptolemy XV was the final one right before the Romans took over formally in 30 BC. I'm not going to rank over 3,000 years of ancient Egyptian monarchs. That would be crazy. Let's settle for the top five.

Nowhere here will you find bullshit pharaohs like  "King Tut" or "Cleopatra." The former was an 18 year old who ruled for probably less than a year and is only famous because his tomb went untouched by robbers (thus leaving us with a pretty gold face). The latter (technically Cleopatra VII) was a Ptolemaic (e.g. Greek, not even really Egyptian) ruler mainly famous for her relationship with Julius Caesar and for one of the least practical suicide methods ever contrived (which is also bullshit, by the way).  I'm talking about actual good pharaohs who got shit done.

5. Djoser

Hey look, I said it was the first pyramid. Not the best.

A pharaoh of the 3rd dynasty during the Old Kingdom, ruling from ca. 2686 BC - 2649 BC. When you get this far back in time it's sort of hard to be exact but Djoser is generally credited as the one who helped to unite Upper and Lower Egypt into a single kingdom. That itself should be good enough for a place in this ranking but he did even more: he was the one who commissioned the first Pyramid - the step pyramid at Saqqara. That's right, this dude INVENTED Pyramids. Without the help of aliens or anything. Who did he have the help of if not aliens? His "overseer of all stone works," a guy named Imhotep.

4. Akhenaten

"Please, make sure I look super creepy."

Apharaoh of the 18th Dynasty who ruled for 17 years from c. 1353–1336 BC. This cat is famous for abandoning the traditional Egyptian polytheist tradition and telling everyone that they should worship just one god - Aten. This makes Akhenaten arguably the first ever monotheist in history. That's a fairly simplified version of the story because it's most likely he still believed in other gods, yet held Aten (the sun god) as mightier than the others. Still, scholars for a long time have tried to link Akhenaten's beliefs to the Abrahamic religions. It's a bullshit story too, but you gotta admit being able to change your empire's religion is pretty impressive. It didn't last long though - after he died everything reverted back to the old ways. In art, he's also usually depicted as super weird looking. Mainly he's shown as having a long, thin face. But he's also shown sometimes with female features like breasts. Tradition was to always depict the pharaohs as god-like and perfect.  Not so much here. There are a lot of theories why. Go read about them if you're interested because I'm not writing his entire biography here. Oh, and his son is also someone you might have heard of - the aforementioned and truly mediocre Tutankhamun. And his wife? Nefertiti.You probably heard of her too.

3. Khufu

This guy's grave is a fucking Wonder of the World.
How do you feel about the accomplishments of your worthless life?

You might also know this guy as "Cheops." No? Okay, maybe not. He ruled during the Fourth Dynasty in the first half of the Old Kingdom, for a glorious 63 years from c. 2589 to 2566 BC. He built the Great Pyramid of Giza. Well, I mean he didn't build the pyramid himself. He had people for that. Probably not slaves according to most historians, just laborers. Sorry to ruin that for you. Some sources say they might have been paid in beer. That's one of those "facts" that is likely to get a "citation needed" tag on Wikipedia though. Khufu is also famous as a character in the "Westcar Papyrus," an ancient text retelling five stories from the royal court of Khufu about miracles performed by priests and magicians. In fact, the first known royal papyruseseses (or papyri, I guess) come from Khufu's reign. But who cares about that paper shit - it's the Great Pyramid you should care about. This is the biggest and most awesome one. The pyramid of pyramids. It's the best.

2. Ramesses II

Yep, it's this guy (but not really).

Ramesses II is the "Ramesses" you're thinking of - AKA Ramsses the Great. He reigned as the third pharaoh of the Nineteenth Dynasty of Egypt, from 1279–1213 BC. He often is pretty much the greatest, most celebrated, and most powerful pharaoh in the history of Egypt.  You know what? Forget "history of Egypt," he's so famous that he's one of the most famous historic figures of all time. Well outside of the study of Egypt he remains super famous.  People who study Greek will also know him as "Ozymandias," as he was even a famous and much-studied figure in Greece. That same moniker has become famous via Shelley's poem and later via the graphic novel "The Watchmen." Pop culture also generally dictates that Ramesses the Great was the Pharaoh from Exodus. There is no real evidence to support this. But anyway, I'm not ranking pharaohs via pop culture and/or biblical relevance. I'm ranking them by actual importance of achievements. Ramesses II led several military expeditions into Syria and Nubia, greatly expanding the empire. He also had an aggressive campaign of city, temple and monument building. He even established the city of Pi-Ramesses in the Nile Delta as Egypt's new capital and used it as his home base for his campaigns into Syria.

A statue which is pretty
much the definition of "pharaoh."

1. Thutmose III

The sixth Pharaoh of the Eighteenth Dynasty (ruling from 1479 to 1425 BC). So what did he do in order to be number fucking one and better than Ramesses? Well, he created the largest empire Egypt had ever seen. Egypt would never be bigger or more powerful than it was under Thutmose III.  He conducted at least seventeen campaigns during his reign (recorded, there might have been more), conquering land as far north as Niya in Syria, west past the Euphrates in Iraq, and all the way down to the "fourth cataract" of the Nile down in Nubia, where he founded Napata. He's widely considered a military genius by historians and is probably the greatest "warrior pharaoh." This dude transformed Egypt into an international superpower. He also knew the benefits of good marketing. He had a royal scribe and army commander, Thanuny, who helped record down all the awesome shit he did and his conquests. Maybe other pharaohs out there accomplished some great stuff that was lost to the ages since they didn't have a Thanuny. Beyond conquering much of the world around him, he also had time to commission the building or overhaul/restoration of at least fifty temples. The most important was the Karnak temple complex, which had pre-dated him but which he substantially worked on throughout his reign.