Look, this isn't going to be a definitive list. Nobody can name every soup from every culture. I'm just going to give you my rankings, okay? Am I leaving out some sort of awesome goat soup that you had once somewhere which is super cool? Sure I am. I don't care. Let's go with about thirty soups. That seems reasonable.
30. Minestrone - This isn't the worst soup in the world, it's just the lowest one on my list. Why? Too much going on. And honestly it's bland as hell.
29. Squash / Pumpkin - Eww.
28. Hot and Sour Soup - Also sort of gross. It's like a boring Tom Yum.
27. Gazpacho - What the hell? Did someone forget to warm the soup? Heat this cold shit up!
26. Miso - Meh. Like, the most bland Japanese soup. How did the country responsible for ramen also create this crap?
25. Crab or Lobster bisque - Would be better if it had some sort of texture.
24. Cream of Mushroom - Largely gross just on its own, but you can use the Campbell's can of this to make a thousand different recipes, so you better have it on hand.
23. Borscht - Better warm. Cold soup is just wrong.
22. Egg Drop - Soup. With egg in it. Exciting, right?
21. Chicken Soup - AKA Jewish aspirin. BORING. This includes chicken noodle, chicken rice and all those other varieties.
20. Wonton Soup - Every boring White person's entry-level Chinese soup. Pretty inauthentic and just repackaged chicken soup.
19. Maryland Crab - As you'd probably guess with Maryland, this includes Old Bay.
18. Menudo - Only the second best tripe-based soup. Sorry, Menudo.
17. Black Bean / Tortilla - Yeah, I'll put this right above Menudo for shits and giggles.
16. Waterzooi - In a fish (more common) or chicken variety. It's okay!
15. Cream of Potato - Vaguely bland, but also classic and satisfying.
14. Leek & Potato - Like the above, but the leeks add some dynamic that makes it better.
13. Split Pea - I like this more than I should. I just do.
12. Bouillabaisse - Fish soup with some texture, yeaaaah!!!
11. Pozole - Soup with corn and pork as its key ingredients. The rest of it can change and you can wind up with a white, green or red sauce. Go with the green version. The green version rocks.
10. Tom Yum - Yeah, tasty! But how the hell do people eat this in hot ass Thailand? It seems to me like this should be the country that does cold soup. Whatever.
9. Cream of Broccoli / Broccoli Cheddar - Yes, I'm saying a generic can of broccoli soup is better than Tom Yum. So there you go.
8. Gumbo - You might be saying, "Hey! Is gumbo even soup?" For purposes of these rankings - yes.
7. Tomato Soup/Bisque - Classic. Simple and delicious. The perfect pair to grilled cheese. Sometimes simple is the answer.
6. Phở - The best when it has all the shit in it. Tendon, tripe, etc. If you're just getting that fancy, tender meat then you're an asshole. If you're getting a chicken, fish or vegetarian version then you're not actually eating Phở and you should be sprayed in Agent Orange.
5. New England Clam Chowder - So good. You might be wondering where the Manhattan version of clam chowder is on this list. It's not. Manhattan clam chowder gets to be nowhere on the list because it's absolute shit that should be thrown right in the garbage where it belongs.
4. Goulash - FUCK YES. Beef (pork and veal also allowed), paprika, peppers, tomato, potato, onion, and love. But I only mean love metaphorically. Not actually. Nobody wants a wad of jizz in their soup. Except for people who like egg drop soup, of course.
3. Cullen Skink - This Scottish soup is the better cousin to New England Clam Chowder. Rather than having clams, it has smoked haddock. It is incredible and will change your life.
2. French Onion Soup - Amazing. Worth burning the fuck out of my mouth on every time. What is better than scalding hot cheese? Answer: scalding hot cheese that's impossible to eat as it melts itself into your spoon in a way that's impossible get off, complimented by the actual tasty onion soup as an afterthought.
1. Ramen - The best soup. Must be pork-based, with nice, thick chunks of pork belly sitting on top. Otherwise your ramen is a disgusting lie. Maybe also an egg with a still-runny yolk. Not a must, but it helps.
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| You might enjoy this if you are boring. |
29. Squash / Pumpkin - Eww.
28. Hot and Sour Soup - Also sort of gross. It's like a boring Tom Yum.
27. Gazpacho - What the hell? Did someone forget to warm the soup? Heat this cold shit up!
26. Miso - Meh. Like, the most bland Japanese soup. How did the country responsible for ramen also create this crap?
25. Crab or Lobster bisque - Would be better if it had some sort of texture.
24. Cream of Mushroom - Largely gross just on its own, but you can use the Campbell's can of this to make a thousand different recipes, so you better have it on hand.
23. Borscht - Better warm. Cold soup is just wrong.
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| Soup with a semen-like texture. Wonderful! |
21. Chicken Soup - AKA Jewish aspirin. BORING. This includes chicken noodle, chicken rice and all those other varieties.
20. Wonton Soup - Every boring White person's entry-level Chinese soup. Pretty inauthentic and just repackaged chicken soup.
19. Maryland Crab - As you'd probably guess with Maryland, this includes Old Bay.
18. Menudo - Only the second best tripe-based soup. Sorry, Menudo.
17. Black Bean / Tortilla - Yeah, I'll put this right above Menudo for shits and giggles.
16. Waterzooi - In a fish (more common) or chicken variety. It's okay!
15. Cream of Potato - Vaguely bland, but also classic and satisfying.
14. Leek & Potato - Like the above, but the leeks add some dynamic that makes it better.
13. Split Pea - I like this more than I should. I just do.
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| Wow, who knew French people made good food? |
11. Pozole - Soup with corn and pork as its key ingredients. The rest of it can change and you can wind up with a white, green or red sauce. Go with the green version. The green version rocks.
10. Tom Yum - Yeah, tasty! But how the hell do people eat this in hot ass Thailand? It seems to me like this should be the country that does cold soup. Whatever.
9. Cream of Broccoli / Broccoli Cheddar - Yes, I'm saying a generic can of broccoli soup is better than Tom Yum. So there you go.
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| Making okra edible since... uhh... whenever it was invented. |
7. Tomato Soup/Bisque - Classic. Simple and delicious. The perfect pair to grilled cheese. Sometimes simple is the answer.
6. Phở - The best when it has all the shit in it. Tendon, tripe, etc. If you're just getting that fancy, tender meat then you're an asshole. If you're getting a chicken, fish or vegetarian version then you're not actually eating Phở and you should be sprayed in Agent Orange.
5. New England Clam Chowder - So good. You might be wondering where the Manhattan version of clam chowder is on this list. It's not. Manhattan clam chowder gets to be nowhere on the list because it's absolute shit that should be thrown right in the garbage where it belongs.
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| I have nothing additional or witty to say about goulash. |
3. Cullen Skink - This Scottish soup is the better cousin to New England Clam Chowder. Rather than having clams, it has smoked haddock. It is incredible and will change your life.
2. French Onion Soup - Amazing. Worth burning the fuck out of my mouth on every time. What is better than scalding hot cheese? Answer: scalding hot cheese that's impossible to eat as it melts itself into your spoon in a way that's impossible get off, complimented by the actual tasty onion soup as an afterthought.
1. Ramen - The best soup. Must be pork-based, with nice, thick chunks of pork belly sitting on top. Otherwise your ramen is a disgusting lie. Maybe also an egg with a still-runny yolk. Not a must, but it helps.
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| Sapporo-style, Tokyo-style, however you like it - it's good. Except for that shit with corn in it. Forget that ramen. |
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