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| A television show that exists, as seen on airplanes by trapped people. |
So let's rank some of the most contrived bullshit, with 1 being the most contrived and most bullshitty.
10. Complete Disregard for the Law in Any Way
Season 6 pretty much starts with one of the main characters, Mike, in prison for all the seedy and unethical shit their law firm was up to. Because of that, nearly all the Senior Partners at the firm (Pearson Specter Litt) quit. The company is in ruins and has to do whatever it can to save itself and bring back its reputation. Despite these facts and that doing seedy bullshit is what got them in this situation in the first place... the main characters pretty much IMMEDIATELY react to every situation by engaging in illegal and unethical activities. Harvey as a Defense Attorney begins actively colluding with a Prosecutor in order to find his client guilty. Harvey meets the chair of an ethics board and that ethics board chair ironically wants to be bribed in order to get what he wants... and so Harvey immediately starts engaging in a tit-for-tat payoff plan to take down a company. Louis gets a bunch of financial data in a seemingly illegal way by getting tipped off from the Douchebag Financial Bros who work in the same office space. PEOPLE, one of you just went to prison and your company needs to save its reputation. STOP DOING ILLEGAL SHIT.
I rank this as the lowest of the 10, and therefore least contrived. As the show is about lawyers, and doing illegal shit and getting away with it is pretty much their M.O.
9. That Bullshit with Harvey's Painting
Ugh. I really did not need multiple episodes dedicated to a painting and how it's Harvey's only happy memory of his whore mother. Who is a whore, by the way.
8. The Catholic Church Would Fire a Teacher for Having a Criminal Record
Mike gets out of prison and can't get a job anywhere. His old buddy at the Church gets him a teaching job, but after a parent complains about an "ex-con" being a teacher, he's kicked out. Really? Isn't the whole religious thing supposed to be about forgiveness? Would the Catholic Church kick out a guy who was sentenced to jail for two years but released after a few weeks for the non-violent crime of impersonating a lawyer? The Catholic Church plays a cat and mouse game rotating around pedophiles so they don't have to fire them... I hardly think they'd fire a decent guy who wants to teach kids and his only crime was being involved in litigation without the proper law degree. Whatever.
7. The Innocence Project Stuff
Hey look, I agree that Meghan Markle's character needed something to do with herself this season other than wistfully look at pictures of Prince Harry and fret, thinking about their future child's unavoidable genetic baldness. But the Innocence Project case was "meh." Of course they wind up getting an innocent person who was only thrown in jail because his defense attorney didn't do enough for him, evidence wasn't turned over, etc. As the plot goes on... it just gets worse. There is a scene were the old defense attorney is forced to testify and she states that she thinks the guy was guilty. The show uses this point to drive home some drama that we're supposed to think the jury will be influenced by this and that this is a devastating blow to their case. If I were Meghan Markle I'd immediately be like, "Uhhh... so wait... you were his defense attorney twelve years ago and you're just straight up admitting that you thought he was guilty---when our entire Innocence Project case hinges on the concept that you poorly represented him? Judge, please dismiss all charges immediately because this man's lawyer just admitted that she thought he was guilty and therefore shittily defended him." That never happens for some reason. Then as we go on, we learn that the murder victim's father helped to manipulate evidence and admits it in court in front of everyone in the stupidest way possible that I thought only happened in old Perry Mason episodes.
6. Jessica Leaves the Law Firm For No Particular Logical Reason
Technically this is linked to #5 above. Jessica Pearson, the head of the in-trouble law firm, has to make a decision between helping keep some big clients with her company or helping Meghan Markle with this Innocence Project death penalty case. She's initially torn, but then winds up skipping some big meetings to assist in this case. This causes her to have flashbacks about her dick father saying that lawyers are scum and she rethinks her entire life and that everything she's been doing has just been for money rather than helping people. So, in a very short-sighted twist after episode after episode of being completely dedicated to saving her firm, she suddenly announces that she's leaving it and moving to Chicago in order to live with that terrible Principal from Season 7 of Buffy. And hey, I'm not knocking D.B. Woodside for being terrible as an actor or anything. He's a fine actor. It's just EVERYTHING about Season 7 of Buffy was terrible. Wait... I think I'm digressing from Suits here, aren't I? The real reason she leaves is because Gina Torres's contract was up.
5. Louis Litt's New Girlfriend
Look, I'm not saying that just because Louis Litt is a pudgy, bald guy in his late 40's that he couldn't find an attractive model-looking gal in her 30's. Louis Litt is a rich attorney and rich, old, unattractive people can always find hot, young girls willing to be with them. But Carly Pope? Come on now, she was just playing Oliver Queen's girlfriend on CW's Arrow. That's a pretty diverse range of men she's interested in. I just can't ignore the dissonance between the two. I'm fairly sure that after touching up Stephen Amell's ripped pecks that she's not going to be with Louis Fucking Litt. That's not to mention the contrived way the two hook up. Louis is straight up stalking her and goes as far as buying a house to trick her into remodeling it (she's an architect) so that they can spend more time with each other so that he can eventually MAKE HER fall in love. But that master plan is ruined when the current homeowners show up and reveal everything. Instead of shooting pepper spray in Louis Litt's eyes and filing a restraining order... Carly Pope says it was the most romantic thing ever. Which is only the third worst origin for a love story ever. The second worst is Luke and Laura on General Hospital (Luke raped Laura). The first worst is, of course, Twilight. Oh, and after Litt and Carly Pope agree to go out she reveal that she already is in a relationship with someone else and is pregnant with his baby because of course that would be revealed.
4. "The Donna"
Donna is Harvey's hot-ass, ginger secretary that really has little to do on the show other than play a magical genius that can occasionally solve all problems while providing snippy one-liners. The show also has a nerdy IT guy as a minor supporting character. I can't remember his name because it's not important. Nerdy IT guy creates a faux Alexa / Siri device that people can talk to in order to have an unholy robot Donna talk to them. The real Donna initially complains that robo Donna is all snippy one liners and no soul or true emotion. So IT guy hates himself and says he's a total failure in life because in probably like two weeks of working he created something that is, for all intents and purposes, represented on-screen as the greatest and most adaptive artificial intelligence of all time. Soon after that, The Donna is shown being even smarter and portraying true emotion. This show pretty much wants us to believe that the shit IT guy in a law firm who occasionally uploads mandatory software patches also has the capability to launch SkyNet. Fuck that. Someone kill this IT guy before the robots rebel and destroy the human race.
3. All Representation of Minorities
Look, Suits is pretty much a show just for White people. Despite the fact that they are checking the boxes on diversity by having a number of Black main cast members (Gina Torres, Meghan Markle) and supporting cast (Aloma Wright, Wendell "Fuck Fuck Fuuuuuuck" Pierce)... those Black characters are being voiced by a show creator who also brought us all those authentic Black voices on Everybody Loves Raymond and Just Shoot Me! I think I only saw one Asian the entire season, and he was portrayed as a Summons Server who disguises himself as a CHINESE TAKEOUT GUY. The main characters even makes some of those "diet racism"-esque remarks in that scene. HOW ARE THERE NOT MORE ASIANS? They film Suits in Toronto and Toronto is the most ethnically diverse city in the world. About 90% of the time the show simply forgets that Louis Litt's Black secretary, Gretchen, even exists. And in the few times they do have her... they have some shit that shows the epitome of this show's misguided attempts to work in material about race. In a scene where a number of the show's Black characters get together, gingersnap Donna shows up and says she's Black too... on the inside. That's some kind of shit that should mean she gets a rock thrown at her head. But instead, they later have a scene where Donna shows Gretchen a picture of her and an unidentified [non-existent] Black 1990s musician together which "proves" that she's a soul sister at heart. Whatever, bitch. Go to a BLM protest in the streets and stand up for some social justice rather than just brag that you got Black dick once if you want to prove that you're woke.
2. Continual Pro-Wrestling Style Illogical Heel-Face Turns
Okay, I missed a season of Suits. The last time I saw the Sean Cahill character (played by Neal McDonough) he was pretty much a dick with a vendetta who would stop at nothing to destroy the law firm. I miss a season and now he's simply an upstanding guy who wants to do the right thing and is even willing to work with Harvey and the law firm to get good stuff done. Huh? And then there is Louis Litt, who has transformed from a portrayal as an irredeemable mega-villain early in the show to a place where he's just kind of a misunderstood, hard to get along with and sometimes makes a bad call because of his temper. This season, we also get the Douchebag Financial Bros - a bunch of fratboy stockbrokers (or something, I don't know anything about finance) who move in next to the law firm and call everyone cocks and bros and tell everyone to eat dicks. About five episodes later these guys are then misunderstood and get along okay with the main characters. We also have Katrina Bennett back again this season - who (like Louis) has inconsistently been portrayed and gone from evil bitch to okay lady (she was probably misunderstood too... everyone is apparently misunderstood). We even get one in the opposite direction - a good guy that goes bad with no explanation. Over the course of about three episodes, Nate (the Boss at the Legal Clinic that hires Mike) transforms from "upstanding guy who is willing to help out a talented guy in need in order to do the greater good and help poor people who desperately need legal help" into "Mwahaha, I only hired Mike because I knew I could get a good guy for cheap, but I don't actually want to help any poor people and whenever Mike tries to manage the office or do anything to help people, I will stop him despite the fact that I specifically hired him to manage the office to help people!"
1. Everything about the Coincidence-Filled "Mike goes to Prison" Plot
This bullshit plot line alone could have made up an entire list of convoluted bullshit. When I last watched Suits (Season 4), Mike just got arrested for being a fraud lawyer. The whole point of the show. Obviously I didn't miss anything by completely skipping season 5 because he's only just entering prison now. And what a bullshit fucking hack story this prison shit is. Here is the dumbest fucking shit about it:
- Mike immediately begins to talk to his "new cell mate" the night he arrives and gives away his whole life story. As part of this, he is dumb enough to use the contraband phone of this new person he just met (as if that wasn't some type of jail setup) and gives his fiance's phone number to this strange prisoner he doesn't know.
- Mike's "cell mate" is then revealed to not really be his cell mate, but a powerful prisoner who has bribed the guards in prison to allow him to pretty much do whatever he wants whenever in any situation, having total ownership over the prison.
- Oh yeah, and that prisoner is Frank Gallo, a dangerous criminal who Mike's best friend Harvey put away years ago. Now Frank Gallo can get revenge by somehow magically knowing that this new prisoner is the best friends of his arch enemy Harvey, despite the fact that Harvey and Mike did not know one another when Frank was put in prison and Frank would have no logical way of knowing who the fuck Mike is.
- Whenever Mike tells others that there is a bribed guard who's letting this one inmate run the prison and do whatever he wants, he's simply told "well you have no proof." At no time does Mike suggest "uh, could you try recording it or setting up cameras to catch him?" or do anything else to try to logically prove this. I, off the top of my head upon watching the show, thought of at least twelve different ways that he could easily find ways to prove this. And all this is despite the fact that several other prison official characters (like Malcolm-Jamal Warner) are presented as "good guys" who want to help. This happens for ten fucking episodes straight. Then the eventual twist after all those episodes? They catch Frank by placing a hidden camera in Mike's cell... WHICH SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED TEN EPISODES AGO.
- Also, whenever Frank did totally outrageous bullshit they added in this "he's an informant, so he can't be moved" dialogue, which was a pretty weak sauce excuse. "Well, we see that he just tried to shank another prisoner... but we can't move him because he's an informant."
- For some illogical reason, it just so happens that Harvey - who put Frank away as a prosecutor years ago - also winds up having to DEFEND HIM, which a total of ZERO people call out as some conflict of interest during the court parole proceedings.
- Also, Mike's REAL roommate just COINCIDENTALLY HAPPENS to be the son-in-law of William Sutter, one of the de-facto villains of the season who Mike's best friend Harvey is currently defending. But Harvey's not really defending him because Sutter's evil and shit so Harvey is only pretending to defend him in a way where Sutter's son-in-law (who's an okay guy who just happened to make one big mistake) and Mike will magically be able to turn evidence on Sutter to get them both released from prison early, TA-DA!
- Also, Mike's real roommate's mistake that got him in prison was that he was a drunk driver. But Mike's parents were KILLED by a drunk driver, so just as they became friends and got along... they then became ENEMIES!
By the way, the flight ended before I watched the last several episodes of the season, so I have no idea what happened after that. Probably other contrived bullshit.
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