Ed Ranks Snakes by How Much They Want to Kill You

All snakes want to kill people, this is a known science fact. (disclaimer: this is not a known science fact and is, in fact, contradictory to scientific evidence)

Australia's Inland Taipan is the most "venomous" snake because its bite is powerful enough to kill 1,085,000 mice, 289 humans, or 1/3 of Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris jokes are still relevant, right?) But the Inland Taipan is also a reclusive, non-aggressive snake that doesn't even live that close to people and just wants to be left alone.  I'm not talking about ranking snakes by how powerful their venom is. I'm talking about ranking them by how much they want to kill you. And to do that, I'm weighing factors such as aggressiveness and overall behavior, contact and habitat overlap with humans, speed, efficiency of venom delivery, venom yield, known human fatalities, and the whispers that I hear from them in my nightmares when they tell me they how much they want to kill people.

10. Common Death Adder

The fastest attacking venomous snake in the world, striking and recoiling back to their original position in less than one-sixth of a second (about 0.15). By the time you see it, it's probably too late. It doesn't really like to hang out with people or seek them out, but it really does like sunbathing on places like footpaths where humans will inadvertently run into them. Unlike a lot of other snakes which run away when these human encounters happen, death adders will stand their ground and try to end you.

What the Death Adder Whispers in My Nightmares:  I kind of don't like killing people that much and would rather just not be bothered, but I feel like I have to live up to my name. When people mess with me, I do not back down.

9. Eastern Brown Snake

The deadliest snake in Australia, by numbers alone (60% of snake deaths down under come from these guys). That's because they are active during the daytime, are lightning fast, easily aggravated, and highly aggressive once they are pissed off.

What the Brown Snake Whispers in My Nightmares:  When people annoy me, I want to kill them. People annoy me a lot.

8. Fer-de-Lance 

In its natural habitat of YOUR COUCH CUSHION.

AKA the Terciopelo, the Fer-de-Lance loves to live in the same habitats that humans live. They really love these things that humans create called "gardens." It's, like, one of their favorite places to hang out. They also like actual "homes" too, as in houses. That whole "inside and away from the elements" thing is so comfortable. They are not big fans of the people that create these garden and house homes for them though. They are usually described as "excitable and unpredictable," but you could instead call that "ornery." They have the ability to quickly change directions (including full reverses).  That's especially worrisome because many times they look like they're fleeing when instead they do a 180 and come right back to bite you.

What the Fer-de-Lance Whispers in My Nightmares:  I enjoy that humans exist. I like when they build me nice places to live. But once they do so, they no longer have any value to me and must therefore perish. A quick fake-out where I look like I'm running away always makes those fools put their guard down. Then I strike!

7.  Reticulated Python

You know how venomous pythons are? Not at all. They have no venom. Their bite cannot kill you, only annoy you quite a lot and cut you open. Despite that lack of venom, pythons REALLY want to kill people. A lot. And so to overcome this biological disadvantage they try to constrict the hell out of you. They are the world's longest snake and are almost the biggest (Anacondas and Burmese Pythons can be even bigger, but both have a much smaller desire to wipe the Earth of man). More than a quarter of Aeta men (an indigenous Filipino group from Luzon) have reported surviving python predation attempts. That's right, pythons look at humans and see how big we are. They know we can't possible fit in their tiny little python mouths. They know they don't have venom that can knock us out. And yet they still have the overwhelming desire to kill and eat us. They can't help it. They have tried to eat a full quarter of this entire tribe on Luzon. Imagine if 1/4 of all people you knew had run into incidents where snakes tried to kill them.

What the Reticulated Python Whispers in My Nightmares:  I may not have venom, but I just cannot stop thinking about eating people. They look SO DELICIOUS!

6.  Common Krait

Some people call the Common Krait is the "deadliest" snake in India, although the below Indian Cobra and Russel's Viper would certainly want to argue that point. It's certainly more effective at killing than the Indian Cobra, as it has a more potent venom with a less effective antivenom. But in the end it doesn't kill nearly as many people as some of the competing snakes in the same range. Part of that might be because it's kind of chill during the day time and is just lazy.  But the Common Krait then turns into a serial killer at night and gets super aggressive and bites anything that annoys it. Humans really annoy it.

What the Common Krait Whispers in My Nightmares:  I enjoy killing people in the darkest hours of night while they sleep, just like you are sleeping now, pathetic human. Sweet dreams.

5.  Indian (Spectacled) Cobra

Don't mind me. Just pretending to be part of the tree so I can kill you.

Make no mistake about it, Indian Cobras REALLY want to kill you no matter how chill they seem in those baskets being charmed by wind instruments. As you could guess from their name, they live in the highly populated India. They run into humans all the time. Looking at a global map of snakebite morbidity, you can clearly see that South Asia and Southeast Asia are where snakes really like biting people the most. The Indian Cobra plays a big part of that, and is often considered one of the "big four" responsible for causing the most snake bite cases in South Asia (along with the carpet viper, common krait, and Russel's viper). Still, the Indian Cobra's venom isn't exactly the most effective - despite it's desire to kill it only has an fatality rate estimated between 6.5% and 20% (depending on different studies). But what they do have going for them is that huge population they live in close contact with. Even if they can only kill [let's say about] 10% of the time - if they bite 150,000 people a year (which they do) then they still kill 15,000 of those people.

What the Indian Cobra Whispers in My Nightmares:  I wish I could kill people better than I presently can. Especially those snake charmers. I really hate them.

4.  Russel's Viper

The Russell's Viper is irritable, short-tempered and a very aggressive snake and when annoyed, coils tightly, hisses, and strikes with lightning speed. This species is responsible for more human fatalities in India than any other snake species, causing an estimated 25,000 fatalities annually (all these numbers I'm citing are indeed estimates, by the way. You can find other sources that think all of these numbers are super inflated). As as you've surely been able to tell by now - snakes in India really, really like killing people. In the part of the world where the most people are killed by snakes - Russell's viper is the king of killers. If it's range was wider and expanded to other continents - this thing would be unstoppable.

What the Russel's Viper Whispers in My Nightmares:  I hate being named after some stupid human named "Russel" and want to kill all humans in sweet, sweet revenge.

3. Coastal (Common) Taipan

A highly aggressive and alert snake that lives in the same coastal habitats in Australia and New Guinea that most people do (unlike it's more potent but chill and reclusive Inland Taipan cousin). That aggressiveness is combined with a highly sophisticated and accurate venom delivery system with a SUPER potent venom (venom-wise, it's the fifth most potent snake in the world - but of the most venomous snakes it's one of the most aggressive).

What the Coastal Tapian Whispers in My Nightmares:  I love killing humans and am very good at it.

2. Carpet Viper

The Carpet Vipers (there are technically eight species of them, including a few subspecies) kill more humans than any other type of snake, bar none. They live all over the place - in India (yet again, where they kill over 5,000 people a year), the Middle East, and Africa (where they are responsible for more deaths than all other species on the continent combined - around 20,000).  These guys have been competing with humans for so long that their biological name, Echis, is simply the Latin transliteration of the Greek word for "viper," ἔχις. This is the OG viper.

What the Carpet Viper Whispers in My Nightmares:  Sometimes I like to give human beings a slight warning just to make it a fair game, but mostly I want to kill them all because they're competing for the same land that I want. I want to kill every human that I meet.

1. Black Mamba

"Hello my friend. Mind if I destroy you?"

This is not technically the deadliest snake in the world by the numbers themselves, but it certainly wants to kill humans the most. All they do all night and day long is think about ways of killing every single human being in Eastern and Southern Africa. And the ones who are captured and brought to zoos realize that the world is larger and also begin making plans to kill everyone in those places too. They're frequently 10 feet long, can slither their asses around at 10-12 miles per hour, and are fiercely territorial. If you step into some territory that they believe is theirs, they will bite the hell out of you.  And what is the success rate of those bites? 100%. Yeah, a lot of snakes "dry bite," meaning they hit you but aren't able to successfully deliver venom. There has never been recorded case of the Black Mamba failing. Usually it delivers about 120 mg of venom in a bite, even though it only needs 15kg to kill you. And it usually delivers multiple bites in quick succession (sometimes up to 12 bites). And their venom is the most rapid-acting of any snake species in the world, meaning it kills people super fast. You essentially have no chance. Untreated black mamba bites have a mortality rate of 100%.  So the solution is simply to get treated, right? At max you have about 15 minutes until respiratory paralysis, so good luck with all that.  Black Mambas aren't even black, they're gray to a greenish-brown. Why are they called "black" then? Because the interior of their mouth is black. If you name a snake based on the color it looks on the inside when it's opening its mouth to bite you, rather than the color they are on the outside, that pretty much means any interaction you have with a Black Mamba will involve it trying to murder you.

What the Black Mamba Whispers in My Nightmares:  Mankind is a scourge that must be cleansed from this earth. I shall not rest until every last human being is dead and the age of the Mamba begins. If Marconi dares to play me, I will defeat him and all his ilk. For millennia we have evolved and rooted out the weaker of our species in order to be the perfect human killing machines. When man is destroyed, we shall turn all his monuments to rubble, burn all his creations, and leave no trace that he ever existed. There shall be no exceptions. There shall be no mercy.