Ed Ranks the Characters of Westworld

Westworld is a pretty great show, right? This one should be fairly straight forward. If you haven't seen it and plan on seeing it... don't read this. Spoliers and whatnot.

23. Clementine Pennyfeather 2.0 (Lili Simmons) - Remember when the original Clementine is decommissioned (after a set-up by the company to make it look like Robert Ford's hosts have gone haywire) and this new host gets booted up to fulfill the same role?  You might sort of, but what do you actually remember about Clementine 2.0 other than the fact that she was a generic blonde that looks like every other blonde actress ever?

22.  Lee Sizemore (Simon Quarterman) - Westworld's "brilliant artist" douchebag narrative director who gets drunk and throws fits when he doesn't get his way (and shows his wee-wee to Tessa Thompson).  How did this guy survive the first season? I swear he better get killed in episode 1 of season 2.

21. Bartender / New Abernathy (Bradford Tatum) - This guy with the epic handlebar mustache starts off a bartender, but then when Dolores' father has a systems failure and starts sounding like a fire-and-brimstone preacher... he replaces him and becomes the new Peter Abernathy. Pretty boring just like the replacement Clementine, but at least he has the handlebar mustache to make himself interesting. And he's not a douche like Sizemore.

20. Angela (Talulah Riley) - Back in the olden times, she's a host that welcomes newcomers to the park (and then offers them sexual favors). I assume there must be a male equivalent somewhere for the female newcomers, right? Years later she's reassigned to be a follower of the mysterious and evil "Wyatt."  Whatever, just another generic blonde with no personality.

19. Sylvester (Ptolemy Slocum) - The Delos lab tech who is the annoying white one that always wants to snitch on Felix. When Maeve slit his throat I was super happy. But then Felix used that magic healing laser thingie to un-slit his throat. Lame.

18. Ashley Stubbs (Luke Hemsworth) - Head of Westworld security. It must suck to be the ugly Hemsworth brother. Hey look, I'm not saying that Luke Hemsworth is by any means an unattractive human being. But if you line him up against Chris and Liam, he's clearly the ugly one. Sorry, bro.

17. Armistice (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal) - Brutal and ruthless female bandit, and member of Hector Escaton's gang. But you wouldn't even remember that she existed if she didn't have that snake tattoo on her. See? Now you remember her. You're saying, "Oh yeah, snake girl!"

16. Elsie Hughes (Shannon Woodward) - Speaking of people you instantly forget, this "rising star" in Bernard's Programming Division suddenly goes missing and after a few brief comments like "Isn't she on vacation or something?" everyone just chooses to move on with the story and stop worrying about her.  I'd expect more people to care about the actress who played "Alien 3" on Clarissa Explains it All.

15. Peter Abernathy (Louis Herthum) - Dolores' original father who is decommissioned after going apeshit upon seeing a photograph of the outside world. A really interesting character, but given that he was decommissioned at the end of episode 1, we didn't see too much of him after that. Also, HELL IS EMPTY AND THE DEVILS ARE HERE.

14. Clementine Pennyfeather (Angela Sarafyan) - Honestly, the original Clementine host isn't that interesting either. She's a robot prostitute. Whatever. I wonder if you can catch robo-clap.

13. Charlotte Hale (Tessa Thompson) - Delos' executive director of the board overseeing Westworld and someone who really wants to force out Robert Ford. She shows up half way in the series and is plotting... but we can never exactly figure what she's plotting about. Something about "higher purposes" for the hosts beyond the theme park and the intellectual property of what Delos owns. I guess we're supposed to wait until season 2 to figure out what the hell she's up to. Unless it was all explained already and I somehow missed it.

Yes, it's Cyclops.

12. Teddy Flood (James Marsden) - A host whose gimmick is that he is gunfighter with a mysterious backstory, looking to rekindle his old love with Dolores. A lot of people give Teddy shit for essentially being designed to be "the loser." Those people who give Teddy shit are right, as it kind of sucks hard to be Teddy.  Still,when season 2 comes and he's allowed to go beyond the parameters of the role that was set for him - maybe he'll decide to become interesting.

11. Theresa Cullen (Sidse Babett Knudsen) - Westworld's operations leader who is always looking to blame Programming Division when the slightest thing goes wrong, despite carrying out a secret affair with the Head of Programming. It was kind of cathartic to watch Bernard bash her head in.

10. William (Jimmi Simpson) - The reluctant first-time visitor to Westworld who is totally dismissive of all the cool stuff that his awesome "friend" (not really) Logan wants to do in the park. He's such a moron he thinks that Dolores loves him. I know you're supposed to relate to him and be on his side, but I just wanted to punch him in his dumb face. I'm so glad he eventually smartens up and turns evil. And I hope his guinea pig is still okay.

9. Robert Ford (Anthony Hopkins) - Founder and creative director of Westworld. Even after re-watching it, I'm not sure that any of his plots or plans make any damn sense. I just feel like everything was really done by Arnold and he's just sucking up all the credit.  He likes copying Arnold so much that he actually makes a COPY OF ARNOLD. Then finally after years of disagreeing with Arnold's view (after taking credit for all his work), he comes to the decision that Arnold was right all along and copy-cats Arnold again by having Dolores kill him just like Dolores killed Arnold. Only for some reason he claims that it's all different this time because when Arnold did it it was like suicide because the hosts weren't sentient enough yet - but now they truly were. Whatever you say, copycat.

8. Man in Black, a.k.a. Old William (Ed Harris) - In the last episode of season 1, the sadistic Man in Black (only mentioned in passing before as the majority shareholder of Westworld and some sort of philanthropist) is revealed to be William after years of having a fucked up life. While I'm glad that William stopped being such a boring square, it sucks that his entire life's purpose now just seems to be playing make-believe with robots and becoming so obsessed with it that he wants to cut off their heads to look for a maze to play a "deeper level."  You need some other hobbies, dude.

7. Logan (Ben Barnes) - That's right, I'm saying that this dude is cooler than Ed Harris and Anthony Hopkins. Everyone else has Machiavellian plots, goals and plans. But Logan isn't Machiavelli. He's Marquis de Sade. This dude just wants to go on a hedonistic romp through Westworld and fuck and kill everyone he can in the fake world. For fun! You know, like when you kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto. He immediately is able to see B.S. "walk through" scripted plot-lines for rookie losers and try to make his own fun and story lines. And isn't that the point of Westworld? This guy is playing the game right. 

6. Felix Lutz (Leonardo Nam) - A Delos a lab tech who becomes so obsessed with Maeve after the many times he has to fix up her dead body that he is willing to just let her begin controlling her own sentience and go around killing actual human beings. Which is exactly what I would do if dead, naked Thandie Newton came to life on the operating table and started ordering me around. Who am I to say no? 

5. Lawrence / El Lazo (Clifton Collins Jr.) - Charming but lethal outlaw host with a knack for wheel-dealing with the many criminal elements of Westworld. This dude is cool as hell. You know if he escapes and gets out into the "real world," he'll start running shit. 

I'm here to rob safes and spread existential dread.
And I'm all out of safes.

4.  Hector Escaton (Rodrigo Santoro) - Host who's role is as a wanted gang leader bent on survival at any cost. What makes this guy so awesome that he goes up to here?  His narrative and personality are designed so that he's essentially a batshit crazy nihilist and has all sorts of dark theories about the universe, life, and the "gods." Only it's not so batshit crazy because all the nihilist, dark shit he says is pretty consistent with the reality that he's just a meaningless character in a game for other people where he's programmed to engage in an endless cycle of being killed in order to rob a safe which is, ultimately, empty (like his soul and all purpose). Fuuuuuuck. When Maeve helps him escape he can then kill the false gods (e.g. mankind) who controlled his meaningless existence (and who also occasionally treated him as their fuckboi). His last name also clearly comes from "eschaton," the ancient greek word meaning "The world during the posthistoric era of God's apocalyptic reign, immediately preceding the end of the world." Yeah, sweeeeeet. 

3. Dolores Abernathy (Evan Rachel Wood) - The highest billed and "main" character is only the third most interesting. She's the "oldest" host still working in the park (having been built long ago) and is set up with a pretty mundane girl-who-needs-saving story for the guests to leech onto. But as time goes on she discovers that her entire life is an elaborately constructed lie. Along the line, her programming has also been manipulated to hide into her the character of "Wyatt," a certified killing machine designed by Arnold. After years of hiding this, Ford finally helps set her free. I suppose to become the George Washington of the robot revolution. 

And she gets all the best quotes. 

2. Maeve Millay (Thandie Newton) - Remember all that stuff about Dolores discovering that her life is a lie and slowly becoming aware of her true self as a puppet in an elaborate game? Well, ditto for Maeve, Westworld's madam.  Only bonus points to Maeve over Dolores because rather than passively uncovering the truth through little sit-down psychiatric sessions about her feelings - Maeve helps discover her true self by stabbing people and then changing what her true self is by boosting all the stats on her programming. She's like Starscream, if Starscream was able to figure out that it was just a toy and then somehow come out of the packaging in order to notch all its tech-specs up to 10. She's also pretty nihilistic like Hector. In fact, she encourages his nihilism and makes him only more nihilistic. And lastly, she's Thandie Newton... so there's that.

1. Bernard Lowe / Arnold (Jeffrey Wright) - Is it sexist that I'm still saying Bernard/Arnold is the best character on a show where we have two of the strongest/best female characters on TV?  Maybe, but let me just say that this character was the character that just kept on giving.  From the start, he was the most relatable human in the "real world," he has that horrible backstory about his kid dying, he's the one having the affair with the head of Westworld Operations, he's the one who really seems to be running the whole damn place on a day-by-day basis, and he's the one who seems to understand that the hosts are complex, sophisticated, intelligent beings. And from there we learn OH SHIT, HE'S A HOST TOO! And after that he kills Theresa. And after that we learn he's the one that made his own assistant Elsie go missing. And after that he's able to fight off his own programming and take on Ford himself. And after that Ford makes him blow his own brains out. And along with that we learn that Bernard isn't just some random host named Bernard... but that he's also Ford's copy of Arnold, the original co-creator of Westworld and (from the looks of things) the TRUE genius behind everything. Then, when you think about it - you realize that all those scenes with "Bernard" talking to Dolores weren't Bernard... but Arnold. And they all happened like 30 years ago or something. Damn!