Ed Ranks the Supposed Multiple Causes of Rasputin's Death

This creepy guy probably needed a killin'

Look, Rasputin is famous for being impossible to kill. But that story is also total bullshit and relies on the dubious accounts of his murderers. They (Felix Yusupov, Dmitri Pavlovich, and Vladimir Purishkevich) had a vested interest in proving that their enemy was evil and demonic.

Chances are they capped the dude in the back of the head and that was it. Maybe they fucked up once and poisoned him with something that wasn't strong enough. I dunno. It doesn't matter. Let's just pretend the story that they (mainly Yusupov's most famous account) tell is real.

I isn't though, so don't get too worked up. The coroner's official cause of death is a shot in head at close range. That's it.

6. Revolver Shot to the Chest by Yusupov - The third time they tried to killed Rasputin on the early morning of December 30, 1916, Felix Yusupov went upstairs, borrowed a gun from Dmitry Pavlovich, came back downstairs, and made some CSI: Miami-esque quip to Rasputin about needing to look at a crucifix and say a prayer. He then shot Rasputin in the chest. Pretty boring. Shooting a guy in the chest is a fairly standard way of killing someone. I guess by try #3 they were running out of creative killing ideas. In all honestly though, we can't blame them for being at a loss and going for this basic option after the first two tries didn't work. I'm not sure how many backup murder plans I'd have.

5. Three Glasses of Poisoned Madeira Wine - The second time they tried to kill Rasputin, after the first poisoning didn't work, was done by trying to poison him... AGAIN! They gave him three glasses of poisoned wine. And he still didn't die. I know, this is pretty vexing. But trying to poison someone's wine is also pretty standard fare. This sounds more like some Agatha Christie story than a well thought-out murder plot. Maybe don't try to poison this guy again after the first attempt fails. Maybe this guy is just immune to poison. Or you bought shit poison. Did you even try it on rats first?

4. An Additional Two Gunshots (Including One to the Head) by Purishkevich in a Courtyard - The FOURTH (yes... FOURTH!) time they tried to kill Rasputin (after two poisonings and a shooting hadn't worked) was an attempt to shoot him again. After finding out that he survived the first shooting, Rasputin apparently ran out of the building and made a break for it outside. But they caught him in the courtyard and Purishkevich busted a cap two more times, with one of those times being a shot to the head at close range. This is really the only verifiable cause of death and, as mentioned above, the one that appears on the coroner's certificate.

Deadly, deadly tea and cakes!

3. Cyanide-laced Tea and Cakes - The first attempt to kill Raputin was as simple as it was cute: Give him some cyanide-laced tea and cakes. It's sort of like a little girl's tea party, except that little girl is Lydia from Bettlejuice. This plan should have worked. If you gave me cyanide-laced cakes and tea, I would surely eat them and die. This was better than the "poisoned wine" (attempt two) idea because poisoning wine is a cliche. But tea and cakes? No way I would think some thoughtful-ass person giving me tea and cakes was trying to kill me. Who would go to all that effort of baking?

2. Being Wrapped Up in Cloth and Tossed into the River - So let's be honest here, maybe all those things up to the gunshot to the head actually happened. Some failed poisonings and some gunshots that didn't kill him after the first shot. I suppose that's plausible. But, according to Yusupov, even after the fourth murder attempt that included a close range BOOM HEADSHOT, Rasputin still popped up again. I'm sure this is bullshit, but here we go. The SIXTH AND FINAL attempt to kill Rasputin was to take him, wrap him in cloth (maybe a blue curtain), and throw his body into the Malaya Nevka River. In December. In Russia. According to additional legend (not even Yusupov's story, but embellishments after) he was alive even then and there was evidence that he clawed at the ice. But again, that's not even part of this story. Anyway, throwing someone in a freezing river in Russia in December is a pretty good way to ensure that they are dead. But chances are, he was already way dead before this happened. The coroner found no water in his lungs, so he was a goner before this. Now we're getting into overkill. Yes, only now.

1. Beating him with a Rubber Truncheon - After being shot in the head, but before being dumped in a freezing river, there was the fifth attempt to kill Rasputin. In this attempt, Rasputin was still somehow alive and Yusupov got a rubber truncheon and beat Rasputin in the head with it until he passed out. And by "he," I mean Yusupov, not Rasputin. Yes. Yusupov apparently beat another man in the head so hard that he himself passed out from how hard the beating was. Honestly, this one is being ranked #1 because I simply find the words "rubber truncheon" funny. As I'm typing this, I don't even know what a truncheon is. Okay. Now I'm Googling it. It's basically a baton. But if the account was "baton," it wouldn't be that funny. But "truncheon" is funny. Especially since it's rubber.  Total desperation move here, guys. You poisoned and shot a guy who still won't die and you think a rubber stick will do the job?  I'm just thinking of this Felix dude trying to kill Rasputin FOUR times and it doesn't work, and so he grabs a rubber stick and hits ol' Raspy until he himself daintily passes out. Epic.

Ed Ranks Japanese KitKat Flavors

Yes, it's KitKats. This isn't even all of them. I left two bags out this pic.

I went to Japan the other week. I probably bought over $100 worth of KitKats. Japan is far ahead of the United States in KitKat R&D. Japanese scientists are blowing us away in the KitKat race. We don't even stand a chance.  Soon our own American KiKats will be antiquated like AOL discs and Blockbuster Video.

How is it that we're so far behind? It's obvious we should be able to make good, interesting KitKat flavors. But here we are. Stuck with normal, boring KitKats. Oh well.

By the way, there are much more than 14 flavors. But these are the ones we got.

14. Uji Matcha - It's green in color and smells like a KitKat. That's right. It smells like a KitKat. The taste though. Ugh. I am not a fan of Matcha tea. The initial bite was like, "oh, this isn't that bad!" But then that disgusting seaweed aftertaste hit me. Nasty.

13. Uji Hojicha - Sort of like the color of the discontinued tan M&M's, but with a subtle, nasty green tint. Like your bowel movements when you're sick. Absolutely the worst color of the whole batch. I smelled nothing. Totally neutral. I convinced myself for a second that maybe there was a slight tea smell, but I think I was trying to tell myself that rather than actually smelling anything. The taste is gross throughout. Eww. The same nasty taste as the Matcha after taste, but maybe slightly less worse (I am unable to use "better" here). How do you balance the ranking of something with a consistently bad flavor versus one with an okay initial bite that turns to AWFUL? For its consistency, I'll rank the Hojicha slightly higher than the Matcha. But not much higher.

12. Azuki Sand Aji (Red Bean Sandwich) - Chocolate color and smells like dirt. Not even really dirt. Maybe vermiculite. My initial tasting was that I felt it was kind of "neutral," or perhaps "interesting." But upon a second tasting after all the others, I didn't like it at all and ranked it near the bottom. There might be a slight fruit/jam taste mixed in, but the smell upsets the whole thing.

11. Amazake - White. Not as strong a smell as the sake one (see below), which makes sense because Amazake is sort of a low-to-no alcohol version of sake. Very subtle flavor. Maybe after eating all the other ones, this one was totally washed out. Sweet, but nothing really stood out, and the flavor just seemed to blend in.

10. Yogurt & Double Berry with Almonds - This one has no English on the packaging, so I'm using some internet research to figure out what it was. Unlike all the others, this didn't have a solid chocolate coating, but the top of the (white) chocolate had visible berries and nuts. They were sort of ground up. The initial taste was sort of buttery, maybe like a subtle version of the butter one (also see below). But then as it lingered, I also tasted the yogurt. I was not a huge fan of this one. It didn't taste bad, but it was just okay.

9. Hokkaido Melon - Peach color, and no real smell that I could smell. I bit into it and it indeed tasted like melon. Melon plus chocolate sounds scary, but this actually worked pretty well. It tasted good. Not at the top, but good. All the KitKats from here in out are pretty good. They are KitKats, after all.

8. Shinshu Apple - Normal chocolate color, but opening the packet gives you an instant blast of apple smell. It's so strong. Almost artificial. It smells like a sour apple hard candy and honestly doesn't taste that different. A powerful apple punch that was interestingly satisfying, despite some fears that chocolate and apple don't necessarily mix. I liked it. My wife did not. More for me, less for her.

7. Butter - White color, smelled like frosting. I was kind of scared of this one and what it would taste like. Would it really taste like butter? I guess it did a little, but the butter taste was pretty subtle. It was more sweet and creamy than buttery. It also had a notably harder bite (like dark chocolate usually has over milk chocolate). It was good though. Surprisingly good. Who'd have thought I'd like the butter one? This was honestly the throw-away package I got, expecting to hate it but willing to try something weird.

6. Rum Raisin - White color, and an immediate alcohol smell when opening the packet. I'm not sure it smelled like "rum," but it did smell like alcohol. I did taste the rum flavor though, and maybe a little bit of the raisin flavor. Nice, strong, sweet. Although I did like it more on my first try than my second. Honestly, I'm not sure why this one is ranked six. I almost want to rank it and ninth and move the three above this one place higher. These rankings are so arbitrary though, so I'm not going to be bothered by it. I guess I'm putting it up here because I like alcohol.

5. Amaou Strawberry - Pink color, smells like strawberry! And a natural strawberry smell, rather than an artificial one. The taste was also very strawberry, although I didn't like it more than the  "strawberry maple" (yet again, see below).

4. Sake - White color and an instantly recognizable sake smell when you open the bag. Yep, this is going to taste like sake, I bet! ...And it does! Smells like sake. Tastes like sake. Maybe it has a slight fruity/apple taste to it as well. Or was I just making that up since this was the ninth one I tried? After a while, you can't really tell them apart anymore. 

3. Strawberry Cheesecake - White, good smell. I'm not sure if I smelled "cheesecake," but what I smelled... I liked. Taste-wise, about the same. I'm not sure if I had blind taste tested it I would have been able to say, "cheesecake," but I did like the flavor. The strawberry part did stand out, and that was nice. As the taste lingered more in my mouth, I eventually did sense more "cheesecake"  via a slow flavor build.

2. Strawberry Maple - Pink color and smells like strawberry Quik. No real maple taste here, I just tasted strawberry. And it tasted good! The taste of the wafer also stood out in this one. Like it was extra crunchy or flavorful or something. I dunno. Whatever. Still, no discernible maple. Should I hold that against it? Not really, because the strawberry was awesome. Better than the Amaou or Cheesecake versions. That's right, I liked the strawberry KitKat that smelled more like Quik than the one that smelled natural. That tells you a lot. Or maybe nothing.

1. Beni-Imo (Purple Sweet Potato) - This one had a lavender color, and smelled like vanilla. I LOVED the smell of this one. It started out with an initial fruity taste that I was SURE was going to eventually morph into some starchy "sweet potato" flavor like that slop at thanksgiving. But that never happened. It didn't taste much like sweet potato at all, and the fruity flavor remained. It was surprisingly great! I had this one first, so part of me felt like I had some bias liking this one because I started with it versus going with it as my fourteenth one when my palette was destroyed. Maybe that happened, but in my second tasting it still ranked strong.

~~

Some lessons learned? Apparently I really like strawberry flavors - since three strawberry flavors appeared in my top five. KitKat, you need to get working on bringing Strawberry KitKats to every shelf in the United States!

By the way, my wife ranked them too. But I didn't look at her list and we did the rankings independently, so as to not bias one another. Here were her rankings:

14. Shinshu Apple

13. Azuki Sand Aji

12. Amazake

11. Sake

10. Yogurt & Double Berry with Almonds

9. Strawberry Maple

8. Uji Matcha

7. Beni-Imo

6. Strawberry Cheesecake

5. Uji Hojicha

4. Rum Raisin

3. Butter

2. Amaou Strawberry

1. Hokkaido Melon

Ed Ranks the Names of Horses at the 2004 Preakness Stakes

Horse names are crazy, right? Who cares about how good these horses are or in what place they finished. The true winner is the Owner who gave the horse the best name.

10. Little Matth Man – This is a terrible name. This might be the lamest horse name I’ve ever seen in my life. Oops. Sorry for saying “lame” next to “horse.” I swear it wasn’t on purpose! Anyway, I didn't spell "math" wrong. That's how the name is. Like a nickname for Matthew, but for stupid people.

9. Imperialism – This is the most aggressively “White Rich Man Who Owns Horses” name possible. Yikes!

8. Water Cannon – Water Cannons are fun, but I don’t particular associate them with horses. Not even sea horses. Which is probably why Water Cannon finished DEAD LAST.

7. Borrego – This is Spanish for “bighorned sheep.” That’s confusing. Don’t name your horse “sheep.” That’s like naming your dog “Cat.”

Smarty Jones. Although it could be any horse, honestly.

6. Smarty Jones - Smarty Jones won the 2004 Preakness (as well as the Kentucky Derby) and is, most likely, the only horse name from this list that you will even recognize (if you even recognize that). But it’s a pretty “meh” name. Sorry about that second place finish at the Belmont and your lack of a Triple Crown, Smarty.

5. Eddington – This one doesn’t strike me as good or bad. It’s just a name. This horse sounds like he should be in the British House of Lords.

4. Song of the Sword – Very poetic and epic. It sounds like something from George R.R. Martin. Or maybe the bible. Wait. Is this just some sort of bible thing?

3. Lion Heart – It’s hard to believe nobody named a racehorse this until the 2000’s. It seems so obvious. So I wonder if it was named after Richard I or after Chris Jericho.

2. Rock Hard Ten – Is this a horse or a pornstar? Either way… I LIKE IT.

1. Sir Shackleton – Niiiiiice. Great horse name. I hope he’s not named after Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton though. Naming yourself after an Antarctic explorer who died along the way is probably not good mojo for your horse.

Ed Ranks Camping Food

A Canadian about to roast his children, I assume.

It’s almost warm enough to go camping outside (also known by homeless people as “living”) and not freeze to death.

Horray! Let’s do that!

But what should we eat?

10. Fancy Shit – This is a terrible idea. If you google “Camping Food,” you’ll find all sorts of lame, complicated “gourmet” recipes to prepare when you're out in the woods. Forget that glamping nonsense. Buddy, you’re out in the woods with a campfire. You best eat like you belong here. And watch behind your back for Jason Vorhees.

9. Freeze Dried Laziness – If you go into any REI, you can pick up packages of pre-made freeze dried stuff. Supposedly you can just add water and cook it in a pot. I guess. But come on, stop being lazy! You’re not supposed to be out here eating Astronaut Ice Cream. Make something yourself!

8. Random Meat & Vegetables Thrown Together in a Dutch Oven – Seems reasonable, but still a lot of effort.

7. Burgers – Yeah, you could put burgers on the grill (if your camping spot has a grill, rather than open pit fire). But burgers seem more like a “grilling at home” kind of food, rather than a camping thing.

This Dutch Oven.
Not the Urban Dictionary thing.

6. Pot o’ Chili – If you’re going to bring a Dutch Oven, you had best make some chili!

5. Steak – This is sort of like burgers, but I love steak. So have some steak. You can skewer it if that makes you feel better. All proper camping food comes on a skewer. Henceforth, all food below shall be the result of a process that involves a stick.

4. Bacon / Pork Belly – Yeah, make some skewers of this fatty deliciousness and watch the flames rise as the grease drops into it. Those flames are simply the goddess of the hearth telling you. “Good work for burning fat. This satisfies me very much, mortal.” True story.

3. Kebabs – "Skewer + Meat + Vegetables = Camping." This is the only math I truly understand.

2. Hot Dogs – Why even go  camping if you’re not going to roast hot dogs?

Magical

1. S’mores – It is actually illegal in most places (and punishable by death) to not bring marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers with you when you go camping. Or at least it should be.

Ed Ranks Things that there are None Of (According to Ozzy)

Ozzmosis is the seventh solo studio album by English heavy metal musician Ozzy Osbourne, released in October 1995. The second track on the album is “I Just Want You.” That song goes through an extensive list of things that there are none of. How about I rank those things?

There are no…

20. Uncriminal Crimes – Come on now, Ozzy. This one is just a lazy tautology.

19. Unachievable Goals – This one is simply not true. I know your parents tell you to believe in yourself and all your goals will come true. Well guess what? If you have a goal to be the President of the World, who is also a Space Captain and immortal… that is NOT going to happen. Your goals, sir or m’am, are indeed unachievable.

18. Invisible Seams – I suppose this is true, but who cares? The 12 human beings who went to go see Phantom Thread?

17. Impossible Dreams – I guess in the technical sense this is true, as you could dream about ANYTHING, so no dream would be "impossible." I think Ozzy is alluding to making those dreams come true though, which would make this statement A) False, and B) a repeat of #19 above.  That being said, on a technicality he doesn’t 100% clarify this point, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

16. Unlockable Doors – I mean sure, I suppose. You could put a lock on anything, I guess. If that's your thing.

15. Unkillable Thrills – I'm not sure what this one even means. There is no such thing as a thrill which can’t be killed? I dunno, Ozzy. You’re married, so you should know better than that.  GET IT? BECAUSE IN MARRIAGE THE MAGIC GOES AWAY AND YOU BECOME DEAD INSIDE! [sorry honey, this is just a joke *shifty eyes*] 

14. Unrhymable Rhymes – Recursive again, but it’s more poetic this time. So points.

13. Unsingable Songs – True with the exception of “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba, which is absolutely unsingable.

12. Indisputable Truths – Although there are “Alternative Facts.”

11. Legitimate Kings or Queens – Factual. The whole concept of “legitimacy” of monarchs is crazy. Who cares what your blood-right is? Who gave birth to you doesn’t make you have power. Power is power.

10. Unnameable Names – Like “Voldemort.” Supposedly you can’t say the name. But I just said it. So there.

9. Fountain of Youth – Well, we all obviously know this now. But somebody should have told Juan Ponce de León, because looking for this shit wasted a lot of his time and all we got out of it was a tourist attraction in St. Augustine.

8. Incurable Ills – Obviously, in the present tense this is not factual. There are plenty of things that have no cure. But I can see if we’re speaking generally how maybe one day we can find cures to all our ills. Pretty optimistic though, which is not a very metal thing.

7. Unsaveable Souls – Sure, everyone could be saved. But it’s probably not worth all that time and effort.

6. Unbeatable Odds – Optimistic again, but yes… by definition, if something even has odds then it’s not “unbeatable.” Just “unlikely.”

5. Unrightable Wrongs – Not sure I agree with this, but I appreciate the sentiment.

4. Unwinable Wars – Except when playing Stratego against my little brother. I could never win that shit.

3. Identical Twins – With the exception of Lindsey Lohan and British Parent Trap Lindsey Lohan. Those two looked JUST ALIKE.

2. Believable Gods – YES! This statement is METAL AS FUCK! It’s about time you start getting Metal, Ozzy.

1. Forgivable Sins – METAL AGAIN. SO METAL.

Ed Ranks Forest Whitaker’s Eyes

Another Jacobite claimant!

Hey look, we all realize this list is going to be short. Just be glad I’m not talking about the Olympics anymore.  So why talk about Forest Whitaker? I dunno. Pick a reason. Black Panther was great. Maybe they just re-ran The Crying Game on cable. That’s a pretty sweet movie, right? And how about that hot chick in it? So hot! Oh, by the way--I’ve only ever seen half of that film. I wonder how it all winds up with her. 

ANYWAAAAAAY…

3. Third Eye – This is Forest’s gate that leads to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness and enlightenment. Or it would be, if it existed. But it doesn’t exist. Forget that dharmic stuff. So let’s rank this one last.

2. Wonky Eye – You know exactly what I’m talking about.

1. Normal Eye - Forest Whitaker’s normal, regular eye that works properly is clearly his best eye.

Hope you enjoyed this ranking!

Ed Ranks the Top 10 2018 Winter Olympic Moments

Hey! Those Winter Olympics were fun, right? And yes, I am doing yet another one since today was Closing Ceremony day. Last one. I promise!

10.  The Lazy Hungarian American

Elizabeth Swaney scammed the international Olympic system and qualified to get into the Olympics as a halfpipe skier through shenanigans that included qualifying in the "top 30" in enough international competitions that generally has less than 30 participants in them.  This means that her family is rich enough so that she could fly around the world to be in competitions just to qualify for the Olympics with minimal effort. And minimal effort is what she put up. Rich and lazy.  Elizabeth Swaney is probably the most American American at the Olympics (despite the fact that she competed for Hungary).

9. Mirai Nagasu's Triple Axel 

This was pretty sweet, right? An American has never done this before at the Olympics. Mirai Nagasu is the exact opposite of Elizabeth Swaney.

8. Nathan Chen's 400+ Quads

In the Free Skate, Nathan Chen did 437 Quadruples. I counted them all. I got dizzy watching him, so I'm not sure how he did it himself. Do not question my math.

"Wait... I did what?"

7. Czech Snowboarder Accidentally Wins Skiing Gold

Ester Ledecka is a Czech world champion snowboarder. I guess for shits-and-giggles she also decided to compete in the Women's Super-G skiing event. You know, she was already at the Olympics so she might as well have some fun.  On the US TV broadcast, her performance wasn't even aired.  Bode Miller and the US broadcasters already declared the winner as another person without Ester even skiing yet, because she wasn't supposed to win.  Then she won. Everyone was surprised. You know who was the most surprised? Ester Ledecka, who's look when she saw her time appeared to be one of total confusion.

6. Mustaches

Yes. "Mustaches" counts as a moment.

Whether it be U.S. Curler Matt Hamilton (clearly just Danny McBride engaging in some dedicated method acting) or Norweigan Ski Jumper Robert Johansson, this was a big Olympics for mustaches.

5. Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir Basically Do It on Ice

This was a little too much PDA, Canadians. There are children watching!

4. Finnish Knitting Coach

Olympic event? Who cares! I need to do this seed stitch

Sure, I guess if you were a Finnish Olympic Snowboarding coach, you could spend your time giving advice to your athletes as they're about to snowboard. Alternatively, you could just stand around knitting, like Antti Koskinen chose to.

3. Canadian Beer Husband

Oh, Canada

Rachel Homan is a Canadian Curler. She's pretty good at what she does. She is a great Olympic Athlete. But her husband, Shawn Germain, is a great beer drinker. So he spent his Olympics watching her compete while he double-fisted beers at nine in the morning. Shawn Germain should be the next Prime Minister of Canada.

Actual photo with no editing.

2. Korean Curler Filled with Hate and Ready to Destroy

The captain of South Korea’s women’s curling team, Kim Eun-jung, does not look dissimilar to a naughty librarian in a porno. But don't let that look confuse you. This woman's ice-cold, game face stare will strike fear into the hearts of all competitors. Her game face is probably 90% of the reason the South Koreans almost won the gold.

1. Norwegian Curling Pants

No further explanation needed beyond this picture: