Ed Ranks Alternative Facts About Kellyanne Conway

Pictured above: Kellyanne Conway

"Alternative Facts" are an alternative to facts. Facts are things that are true. Alternative Facts are therefore things that are not true. Here are several things about Kellyanne Conway that are not true. Think of it like opposite day. Everything I am saying below is an Alternative Fact. That means none of them are true.

 10. Kellyanne Conway's inauguration outfit didn't at all make her look like Paddington Bear.

This is not a fact. This is an "alternative fact." Of course it is not true. But it's also not that important either. This isn't a fashion blog. For that reason, I will rank this at the bottom as #10.

 9. Kellyanne Conway is a fan of the New York Yankees, who are in no way completely evil.

Obviously the Yankees are evil and all Yankees fans are soullness monsters. Nobody created a Broadway play called "Damn Kansas City Royals." Nobody cares about the Royals. Well, except maybe Lorde.

8. Kellyanne Conway will go to heaven because she is a good person. 

Nope.

7. Kellyanne Conway did not help a racist, misogynistic fascist become President. 

This is a textbook "alternative fact," given that is obviously not true at all. Does anyone doubt this? Probably only racist, misogynistic fascists who are in denial that they are racist, misogynistic fascists.

6. Kellyanne Conway in no way resembles Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Saha, who in no way would parrot demonstrably false propaganda when all evidence to the opposite was clear as day. 

Do you remember this guy? Who, like, stood in Baghdad and was talking about how the Iraqis were winning the war and would defeat the Americans while you could see American bombs dropping and blowing up the city in the background? That dude was hilarious! He was a solid 2003 internet meme. He's totally the OG Kellyanne Conway. Ah, remember good old 2003 when we were laughing about how easy it would be to win the Iraq war because our memories of kicking ass in 1991 were still so fresh? We had no idea it would become a fucking quagmire, did we? You know who doesn't remember that? The kids from Stranger Things.

5. Kellyanne Conway is a stronger supporter of the Constitution and free speech.

Also not true.

4. Kellyanne Conway is not a flip-flopping opportunist bitch who endorses different candidates or promotes different viewpoints on an issue depending on who is paying her. 

What? Kellyanne Conway helped Ted Cruz campaign against Trump before she worked for Trump? And she was also a strong proponent of immigration reform that called for changes in laws that would allow for a clear, legal path for immigrants to become US citizens before she worked for an insanely anti-immigrant Oompa Loompa with tiny hands? Call me shocked! I can't believe a political figure would just change sides and/or opinions on an issue like that!

3. Kellyanne Conway's screeching voice does not at all sound like a vulture slowly dying on the side of a highway after getting hit by a tractor trailer while it was consuming a carrion. 

Actually, it does sound exactly like that. 

2. Kellyanne Conway's skin does not make her look like leather that was left in the sun.

Like a very sunburned orange leather saddlebag. Or maybe imagine if you bought a convertible and demanded it have an orange leather interior and then you parked it out in the desert sun forever. And I really mean forever. Beyond the lifetime of the Earth itself and approaching the heat death of the Universe. I actually don't recommend you click that last link unless you're willing to get super depressed.

1. Kellyanne Conway is not a giant fucking cunt. 

Not factual. This is an "Alternative Fact."