Ed Ranks Law & Order Detectives

DUN DUN.

Only from the main Law & Order series. Not SVU, Criminal Intent, or any of those 30 other spinoffs. Also, this is only for the detectives. Not the police supervisors, prosecutors, district attorneys, etc.

11. Nicolas "Nick" Falco (Michael Imperioli) - This guy was on the show for like five episodes or something. I don't remember why. Probably because Jesse L. Martin was out filming Rent and they needed a replacement.  That's a total guess, but I'm probably right.

10. Nina Cassady (Milena Govich) - Only around for one season. I barely even remember her.

9. Joseph "Joe" Fontana (Dennis Farina) - Sorry Dennis Farina. It's not that you were a bad actor. You were a great actor. You just had the misfortune of following up Jerry Orbach. And that's not really fair to anyone.

8. Maxwell "Max" Greevy (George Dzundza) - I know some people can be sentimental to the "original" cast. But you know who wasn't sentimental? The Law & Order writers who decided to have a stuntman replace him in the first episode of Season 2 and immediately cap his ass in the opening scene. It's one thing to write someone out. You can always do that in a way where they retire or transfer, so that you can bring them back later (e.g. Chris Noth). With Dzunda, they were like "nope... your ass is NEVER coming back."

7. Cyrus Lupo (Jeremy Sisto) - By the time Jeremy Sisto was on this show... did anyone still actually watch it? This is not a hypothetical question. "No" is the answer.

6. Kevin Bernard (Anthony Anderson)- Like Sisto, Anthony Anderson was in the show pretty late, after people stopped caring. These late season episodes aren't the episodes that anyone watches in constant cable reruns.  No insult to Anthony Anderson though. This dude has range. It's sometimes hard to believe that the same dude who was Det. Bernard on L&O was also Antwon Mitchell from The Shield and also an acclaimed comedian. And when I say "acclaimed comedian" I am NOT referring to Kangaroo Jack. This guy's filmography makes him almost too good an actor to have been on this show.

5. Philip "Phil" Cerreta (Paul Sorvino) - Sorvino had a good run. I'm not going to talk about Paul Sorvino here though. I'm going to talk about his daughter, Mira.  I thought I was being hilarious last April when I joked about the reasons why Mira Sorvino vanished from Hollywood. It was meant to be a light-hearted attempt to jest about those actors like Brendan Frasier that suddenly disappear and are never cast anymore. In hindsight, now we all know she was blackballed by a powerful serial rapist in an industry which turned its eye to rampant sexual assault and "casting couch" attitudes.  So now I just feel like a giant dick. Sorry Paul and Mira. I never really thought Mira was eaten by a shark.

4. Reynaldo "Rey" Curtis (Benjamin Bratt) - Bratt was a perfectly fine detective, but also sort of "meh." He ranks this high simply for lasting like 100 episodes.

3. Edward "Ed" Green (Jesse L. Martin) - Jesse Martin was great and his character was great. But every time he appeared on screen I was always on the edge of my seat, expecting him to suddenly burst into "525,600 Minutes."

2. Michael "Mike" Logan (Chris Noth) - Who didn't like Mike Logan?  Chris Noth will always be Mike Logan to me, not Mr. Big.  Even after he left the show, they made a spin-off TV movie with the Logan character. Later he showed up on Criminal Intent. Any Logan rerun on cable is a definite watch rather than a channel flip.

You can just see him calling people "Schmuck"

1. Leonard "Lennie" Wilbur Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) - There is nobody else who could be #1. If Jerry Orbach had stayed healthy, he would have been on this show forever. This guy was in 273 damn episodes. Only S. Epatha Merkerson  and Sam Waterston were in more. Lennie Briscoe was the best. Most Law & Order characters had paper-thin personalities. You didn't know anything about their personal lives. They were simply replaceable cogs in the plot exhibition machine to drive forward cases "ripped from the headlines." But with Brisco, you always got attitude and personality. Wise-cracking. A recovering alcoholic. Plenty of ex-wives. Also, nobody puts baby in a corner. I don't think I could finish this without mentioning that.

Ed Ranks the 1914 Boston Braves Pitching Staff by Other Things They Could Have Been

Fun Fact: Everyone in this picture has been dead for decades.

Hey! This is my 150th Ranking. Does that mean anything special? Of course not.

In 1914, the Boston "Miracle" Braves swept the Philadelphia Athletics to win the World Series. These twelve pitchers below played for the Braves that season.  But I'm not ranking the pitchers by their athletic ability, fame, or anything like that. I'm ranking them by other things they could have been, based on their names.

Does that make sense to you? I don't care.

12. Tom Hughes - Could have been anybody really, since this is a super boring name that I'm sure a million people have had.

11. Gene Cocreham - Could have been the name of some prospector hunting for gold during the rush of 1849 and famous for shouting, "Thars gold in them thar hills!"

10. Paul Strand - Could have been the founder of the Strand Magazine, the famous monthly magazine composed of short fiction and general interest articles. However, the magazine was named after the famous street in London, not a person.

9. Hub Perdue - Could have been the name for the Salisbury, Maryland "hub" of Perdue Farms. Yeah, that's right, the chicken company.

8. Lefty Tyler - Could have been Steven Tyler's nickname if he wound up being a guitarist in Aerosmith, instead of being the singer. Also, if he was left-handed. I'm pretty sure he's right-handed. I didn't heavily research this, but all the Google images of him appear to have him holding the microphone stand in his right hand.

7. Dick Rudolph - Could have been the one of the nicknames that all of the other reindeer called the red-nosed one. After all, they did "used to laugh and call him names." You gotta imagine that the reindeer came up with even worse stuff than that.

6. Otto Hess - Could have been the name of one of the Chancellors of Germany under the reign of Kaiser Wilhelm II. But he wasn't. He was a baseball pitcher.

5. Ensign Cottrell - Could have been the Bajoran character played by Michelle Forbes in seasons 5-7 of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's not. That was Ensign Ro.

4. Dolf Luque - Could have been a handsome German-Cuban actor from the 1950's who tried to become a leading man in cinema. Unfortunately, due to the stereotypes and racism of the era, his "ethnic" identity relegated him to only playing supporting bad guys roles in Westerns like Rawhide and Gunsmoke.

3. Dick Crutcher - Could have been the name of some special device used to care for a penile fracture after someone ruptures their tunica albuginea. I hope there is some sort of device to help out with this. I'm not sure what it's actually called though.

2. "Seattle Bill" James - Could have been the name of one of outlaw Jesse James' younger brothers. However, rather than being caught in a life of crime he could have moved out west to the Washington Territory as an earlier settler.  He, ironically, also could have served as a lawman that negotiated treaties with the local Chinookan peoples. Eventually, his notoriety as a James brother who lived as a "frontier lawman" out with Native Americans could have guaranteed him a spot as a regular celebrity performer in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. But none of that is true. I know that sounded pretty convincing to you, but I made it up. These are all just deceased baseball players.
 
1. Iron Davis - Could have been the name of the winning-est fighter in the 1989-1996 athletic competition television program American Gladiators. Iron Davis is an awesome damn name.

Ed Ranks Things To Do in a Government Shutdown

How are these wankers in here "essential?"

Hey there, this one is just for you government employees.  Have fun!

10. Just Work Anyway - If you are furloughed, this is technically illegal. I seriously doubt anyone is going to waste their time investigating or prosecuting you for it, but just keep that in mind. Don't be that "A-Type" who thinks that their work is so important that they have to keep doing it. Just take being declared" non-essential" as a gift and stop pretending that the world is going to fall apart without you.

9. Clean Your House - Yeah, I guess you could do this since you have the time now. But where is the fun in that?

8. Spend More Time on Social Media, Ranting About Politics - This will definitely make you sound educated and aware. Not at all like an annoying dick that I'm going to need to block.

7. Give Handjobs in an Alley - You gotta make money somehow. Who knows how long this shutdown is gonna last? And Starbucks Venti Mocha Lattes aren't exactly free.

6. Contemplate if Six is Even a Real Number - Is this ranked #6? Is there even such a thing as six? Or is six, and all numbers, simply a human construct? Maybe the number six doesn't exist at all. Maybe the numbers go one-two-three-four-five-seven and you had some sort of brain injury that caused you to make up a new number in your head that isn't even real. Suuuuure, you think it's real. But then again crazy people always believe in crazy things with absolute certainty that they are right. Do you think John Hinckley shot Reagan because he thought Jodie Foster might be impressed by it? Oh no. There was no might. John Hinckley's crazy ass KNEW Jodie Foster would be impressed. Just like you "know" six is a real thing.

5. Write a Best-Selling Novel - How hard can it be? Fire and Fury is poorly sourced and terrible, yet people bought a bajillion copies of that because it's salacious.

4. Watch Some More Netflix, I Guess - Surely there must be some show on there you need to catch up on. Not Black Mirror though. I was done after the pig sex episode and that was the first one. Over-hyped.

3. Whip Out that Ol' Nintendo Wii -  The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess isn't going to beat itself, and you never got around to finishing it back in 2006.

2. Go Shopping - This one is sort of contradictory. If you're being furloughed then you're not being paid. If you're not being paid then you have less money. And yet the stores are always closed or super busy after you get off from working all day, yet open and not busy when you're at work and can't go. And thus being furloughed gives you the opportunity to actually go to the store for once. Life is full of ironies like this.

1. Drink Heavily - Usually how I handle it.

Ed Ranks the Senses

Are you as creeped out by this as I am?

Yes, there are more than five senses. Get with the times, this isn't an elementary school lesson.

10. Pain - Pain sucks, but it is totally necessary. How else would we know that it's a terrible idea to stick our hand in a burning fire? If we didn't feel the pain from it, then we'd just keep doing it and then we'd all be dead.  So, while... erm... painful... pain has its time and its place.

9. Temperature - Yes, temperature (technically "thermoception") is a sense that is unique from "touch," just like pain is different from touch. The receptors you have to tell hot and cold are totally different than the receptors for "feeling" things by physically touching them.

8. Smell - Hey, smelling is great. Especially coffee. Coffee smells great. But I guess as long as I got to keep taste, smelling could go if I was forced to lose a sense.

7. Vestibular - This is your ability to sense things like balance, acceleration, body movement, direction. Pretty important, right? You're going to need that.

6. Kinesthetic - This one is sort of complicated to explain, but I'll try to. Close your eyes and touch your nose with your index finger. Did you see your hand as it was moving? No, your eyes were closed. Did you feel your hand as it was moving? Not really -- you should have only felt it after the touch, not on the way to the touch. Smell or hear or taste your hand? That would be weird. So how did your index finger find your nose then? Well, that's called "proprioception," or "the kinesthetic sense."

5. Hearing - As annoying as some noises (and people) are, not being able to hear would totally suck. How would you be able to rock out?

4. Taste - Life would just suck if you couldn't taste food. I mean why even bother to go on living?

3. Touch/Feel - Feeling and interacting with the world around you is wonderful.

2. Sight - I don't know about you, but I really love seeing.  It's such a beautiful world, I would hate to not be able to see it.

1. Seeing Dead People - All the time. 

Ed Ranks the Bill of Rights

Madison. Famed for his bare-fist prize fight against Marbury.

OH YEAH!!! Ranking the inherent freedoms that were established with the creation of the United States? NO WAY is this going to be controversial!

10. Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Analysis: Sorry Republicans, this one is pretty dumb. Well, looks like I failed at that "no controversy" thing right from the start.

9. Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Analysis: I know this sounds like a good thing. It essentially says, "Hey, just because we forgot about something doesn't mean that you don't also have that right too." Which is SUPER vague. Madison and Hamilton argued that naming specific rights would cause problems if you forgot any, so this was sort of a compromise that nobody wanted. Some people try to read some sort of "right" into this Amendment -- what with this whole thing being called the "Bill of Rights" and all. But the most common scholarly interpretation is that it doesn't infer any rights, it merely is an instruction on how to read the Constitution.

8. Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

Analysis: As with the Ninth Amendment, the Tenth Amendment isn't actually really seen as a new "right" to most constitutional scholars - merely a "reaffirmation" or "truism" about the nature of the federal system that is explicitly explained elsewhere in the Constitution.  The "or to the people" clause is a bit tricky and vague (yet again).  So which rights go to the states? Which rights go to the people?  

7. Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Analysis: I mean this is good and everything since I don't need soliders in my house eating all my snacks, but not as good as the six other rights below. And since it has the "in time of war it's okay" clause, it's fairly useless.

6. Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Analysis:  Way to not even bother to define "excessive", "cruel", or "unusual" so that this can pretty much be read any way people feel like reading it. How much is excessive? What is cruel?  Do we judge these things by what the Founding Fathers were thinking? Did the Founding Fathers even agree what these meant? They usually disagreed on a lot of stuff. Obviously these assholes didn't think slavery was cruel or unusual. 

 5. Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Analysis: Again, this is a great and important right. I'm not dissing it by putting it as the fifth best. There are just even better ones.  It's good to have a speedy trial so that they can't arrest you and have you rot in jail forever without being put on trial. Although if you pay attention to the news, it seems like that sort of still happens all the time anyway.  The other clauses are all great too - the importance of local jurisdiction, an impartial jury, being told what charges you're faced with, being able to confront witnesses against you and have witnesses for you, the right to a lawyer. All great stuff. 

4. Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Analysis: The right to a trial by jury is great. How terrible would it be if one asshole judge could just decide someone's fate in a criminal trial? That would be absolutely susceptible to corruption. This is also a SUPER straight forward amendment. You don't need to dance around to try to interpret what it means. There is no vagueness. Good work on this one. 

Did they write this in invisible ink or something?
GET BETTER PENS!

3. Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Analysis: Wow, there is a LOT packed in this one. Most people just know the "I plead the fifth" part about not having to "be a witness" against yourself. But there is a lot more here. Before you can be put on trial you need to be indicted by a grand jury. You can't be charged with the same offense twice, even if you are Ashley Judd and you kill Bruce Greenwood right in front of your parole officer. Due process is required. Your private property can't be seized by the government without you being compensated for it. This country would fall apart without this stuff. 

2. Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Analysis: There is lots of good "trial and court stuff" in the Bill of Rights with Amendments V through VIII.  But even before you get to the court room, it's necessary to make sure that people can't just be fucked with without cause in the first place. Protecting your people and property from being searched without warrants and probable cause is a great and totally necessary amendment. This one can't be seen as "straight forward" as other amendments though, because there are a lot of valid and logical exceptions (exigent circumstances, reduced privacy of motor vehicles, border search, etc.). 

1. Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Analysis: This amendment is freedom itself. This amendment is made of bald eagles, baseball and apple pie. We might as well not have a country without this Amendment. Any country which doesn't guarantee these basic freedoms is a shithole*

 
*(I sometimes pre-write these things and have then auto-publish on a future date. I wrote this well before the "Shithole Countries" thing. But pretty damn crazy accidental timing, right?)

Ed Ranks the 1992 Dream Team

Even better than the actual Olympics.

The 1992 United States men's Olympic basketball team, nicknamed the "Dream Team", was the first American Olympic team to feature active NBA players.  It was mainly made up of legends and future Hall-of-Famers. But it also had Christian Fucking Laettner, so there's that.

12. Christian Laettner - At the time, they claimed that they wanted one collegiate player to be on the Dream Team to serve as an acknowledgment of the previous "amateur" nature of the Olympics. In reality, it was probably just because Michael Jordan really, really, really, REALLY hated Isiah Thomas and didn't want him on the team, so they filled his slot with a college guy just coming into the NBA. Do you know who else was a college guy just coming into the NBA this same year? Shaq.  This was a terrible, terrible choice. Also, FUCK DUKE.

11. John Stockton - Sorry John Stockton, but you were pretty much there to carry Karl Malone's bags. Stockton also barely even played and put up the most mediocre stats. I think he was injured though.

10. Chris Mullin - If a random sampling of people were quizzed on the 1992 Dream Team and told to name all the players on it, I guarantee you the one that most people would forget would be Chris Mullin. Mullin wasn't close the worst, but at least terrible people like Christian Laettner are memorable for how terrible they are. Chris Mullin is just nothing.  Chris Mullin is a Coldplay song. Chris Mullin in unseasoned, boiled chicken. Chris Mullin is socks as a Christmas gift. Stat-wise, Mullin was actually quite good at the games. He was the top 3P thrower (twice as effective from the 3P range as Bird) and was the fourth highest scoring player on the team. Still, he's Chris Mullin so no way he can rank higher than 10. Is that fair? No. No it's not.


9. Clyde Drexler - Clyde barely got on the team and I'm sure he's also happy about Jordan's eternal hatred for Isiah Thomas in helping to assure that happened. He did fairly well too, like Mullin.

8. Patrick Ewing - I don't really like Patrick Ewing, so I'll put him down here out of spite and with no regard to his actual statistics during play. I'm not sure this guy ever made a single 3P in his entire career. He didn't even bother to try at the Olympics.

Pictured: Larry Bird

7. Larry Bird - Larry Bird was 1,000 years old when the 1992 Olympics happened. But then again, Larry Bird was always 1,000 years old. I'm sure if you look at pictures of him from middle school, he looks like an old man. Larry Bird is a Benjamin Button who is born old and yet somehow gets even older rather than younger.

6. David Robinson - Remember when David Robinson was supposed to be a thing? Everyone thought he'd be one of the legends. Sure, he wound up having a great career where he went to the All Star game 10 times and even won the MVP award once. He's in the Hall of Fame. But he never quite lived up to the rest of his Dream Team cohorts.

5. Scottie Pippen - I'd say he was just here to carry Michael Jordan's bags, but then again Scottie did okay at the games.

4. Magic Johnson - This ranking is 90% sentiment and 10% for his performance. In fact, Johnson pretty much sucked. He was out for two games with a knee injury, and in one of the six games he played in he didn't even start. In the entire Olympics he only made 17 FG in 30 attempts, averaging only 8 points a game. But Johnson's story is the story of a triumphant comeback after an HIV diagnosis. Crowds stood up and cheered for him and he was an inspiring story about a man battling (and raising awareness to seek a cure to) a terrible disease. Everybody balled out tears and cheered whenever they saw Johnson score.

3. Michael Jordan - Jordan was sloppier than his usual self at the 1992 Olympics. His FG% was only .451 - the second worst on the team and only .001% better than the worst, Christian Laettner. Still, he WAS ball hog Michael Jordan, so he wound up with the second most FGM (51) and averaged the second-most points per game (14.9).

2. Karl Malone - Karl Malone love to shoot squirrel. Karl Malone also love ranking #1 in FTM (24), #1 in RPG (5.3, tied with Ewing), #2 in FG% (.645), #3 in FGM (40), and #3 in PPG (13.0).

At least he didn't do a Chaos Dunk though.

1. Charles Barkley - This dude dominated the Olympics. His FG% was .711. That's INSANE. That's almost 1972-1973 Wilt Chamberlain good. You know what's even more insane? His 3P% was .875.  Given those stats, it's pretty obvious that Barkley wound up having the most FG (59) and led the Dream Team in points per game (18).  The only negative part of Barkley's dominance was the fact that he was sort of an "anti-Magic Johnson" figure. While Johnson inspired awe and applause, Barkely's domination made the US sometimes appear to be bullies out to beat up on the rest of the world.  Barkley was especially criticized for a rough elbow to an Angolan player in the first game of the Olympics. In his defense, many claimed that he was putting the rest of the world "on notice" that the Dream Team were there to kick ass. And they did.  

Ed Ranks New Paradigm Daleks and Ironic Morissettes

It looks ashamed of itself for even existing.

Daleks can be colorful Power Rangers. So can the four Alanis Morissettes in the "Ironic" music video.

Let's rank them. Yes. Together. 

9. Orange (Scientist Dalek) - Absolutely nobody wanted an orange Dalek. Nobody. I'm not even sure Mark Gatiss or Steven Moffat wanted orange Daleks. I legit think they were drunk and forgot what colors existed and someone just blurted, "orange?"

8. Red Sweater (Shotgun Morissette) - Holy hell, somebody needs to get this Alanis Morissette under control. She's called shotgun and gets to be in the front passenger seat, but she also really needs to take her meds. She practically throws herself out the car window at one point and almost gets hit by a bridge. She then shakes off snow in the car and I see no evidence that she even tried to wear her seat belt at any time the entire ride. And she won't stop doing stuff like picking her fingernails and jumping up and down. CALM DOWN.

7. Yellow (Eternal Dalek) - First of all, what the hell does "Eternal Dalek" even mean? Second... you are a yellow Dalek with black bumps. That means you look like a bumble bee. Unless you have a severe allergy, bees are not particularly threatening. Just annoying. How does a toilet-plunging bee expect to be taken seriously enough to conquer the universe?

6. Green Sweater (Rear Right Morissette) - This is the second Morissette we meet in the video, and so it's a bit of a surprise when we first see her, because you're like, "Oh hey! There are two Alanis Morissettes in this car! I bet the whole car is going to be all Morissettes!"  When we meet her, you think that this one is definitely going to be the "Spazzy" and wild one. She's throwing her arms around everywhere and acting crazy.  But after we later meet Red Sweater Morissette, by comparison she doesn't seem that bad.

5. White (Supreme Dalek) - This is the most boring Supreme Dalek of all time. Supreme Daleks have been black (The Dalek Invasion of Earth, Resurrection of the Daleks, Remembrance of the Daleks), gold (Day of the Daleks, Planet of the Daleks), and even red (The Stolen Earth/Journey's End). But white? What are you... trying to be a Davros-aligned IMPERIAL Dalek? Hahaha, no. And I can't be the only one disturbed by the fact that a WHITE Dalek is calling itself "supreme," can I? I know Terry Nation created the Daleks as a metaphor for the Nazis, but this one is just a little too on the nose.

Yeah, this is a pretty weird ranking. Even for me.

4. Yellow Sweater (Rear Left Morissette) - This Morissette is fairly well behaved, but she's not terribly interesting. She can be best described as "a little goofy." Beyond the yellow sweater, she can also be identified as the one with some braids in her hair, fidgeting with some snack item that she never actually eats. Neither back seat Morissette seems to have a visible seat belt, but I won't call either out on that because they're shot from stomach-up, so it's possible they just have a two-point lap seat belt, rather than a three-point one that goes over the shoulders. I assume that was standard in back seats for older cars like the one in this video.

3. Blue (Strategist Dalek) - I guess these would be good in some sort of sea invasion, right? If Daleks want to kill everything else in the universe...  they also have to kill sea-based lifeforms. For that... they need blue camo! And also, if this is a Strategist Dalek... does that mean the other non-blue Daleks don't strategize? Do the others have smaller Dalek brains? If you're going to genetically mutate the Kaled species to become the supreme being of the universe, you'd think they'd all be brilliant strategists rather than just some of them.

2.  Red Cap/Black Jacket (Driver Morissette) - The Alanis Morissette who is driving is the only one that seems to have her shit together. She's DEFINITELY wearing a seat belt, and isn't acting too silly or crazy. She's mainly focusing on driving, which is a good thing because she's got three passengers - of which at least two of them probably need to be on lithium. This is the Morissette that is also wearing a multi-color scarf and blue gloves. She giggles at the other Morissettes a bunch, but never really does anything too crazy beyond throwing her red cap back at Green Sweater Morissette towards the end of the video. Although, the end of the video might imply that this was the only Morissette the whole time, and the other three were figments of her imagination. In which case, ignore the stuff I said about her being the one who has her shit together... because then dis biatch be crazy.

1. Red (Drone Dalek) - It's a shame that the only cool looking Dalek of the New Paradigm Daleks was just the "Drone" Dalek, meaning a boring, space-filler Dalek designed to be an extra. Literally a "Red Shirt" Dalek. This one should have been the Dalek Supreme for sure instead of the white one.

Ed Ranks Events of 2017 (BC)

Oh man, what a year it was! Time to look back and reflect on everything. But it's too bad I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on everything that has happened yet. I'm actually a little behind on things.  So I'm still going to rank events of 2017. Alas, it will have to be 2017 BC.

Here are the top 10:

The second pyramid of Caral was, of course, an Arbys. 

10. The First "Chick-fil-A" is Opened in Caral - This one is pretty self-explanatory. This was the year that the the pre-Colombian Norte Chico civilization of north-central coastal Peru opened up their first Chick-fil-A in Caral. 3963 years later, the next one would open up in Hapeville, Georgia. White people like claiming that the Georgia one is the first one though, because White people like stealing shit and claiming they invented it.

9.  Mentuhotep II made out with his sister, Neferu II - Isn't it gross that Egyptian pharaohs would sometimes marry their sisters? What are they--Targaryens or something? Anyway... Mentuhotep II was already married to his first wife, Tem, when he started hooking up with Neferu. Nasty!!!

8. Abraham was at the height of his "Emo" phase - Abraham lived 175 years and 2017 BC was the absolute worst of all 175 of those years because that was when he was at the peak of his Emo phase. It's a good thing he decided to stop listening to "My Chemical Romance" and would instead go on to make a covenant with the Lord.

How could Zeus resist this?

7.  Zeus Gave a Golden Shower to Danaë - in 2017 BC, King Acrisius of Argos locked his daughter, Danaë, in a tomb because he had traveled to the Oracle of Delphi and received a chilling prophesy that his own grandson would one day murder him. As Acrisius had but one child, he knew that preventing his daughter (the aforementioned Danaë) from ever having offspring of her own would halt this prophesy. Alas, mighty Zeus of Olympus was enchanted by Danaë's beauty and transformed himself into R. Kelly. In the guise of R. Kelly, he peed on Danaë. But, as Zeus is a god, his pee was magic and got Danaë pregnant. Danaë would soon give birth to Perseus. Years later, Perseus would participate in funerary games in the city of Larissa. There, he would accidentally strike Acrisius on the head with a discus, killing him and fulfilling the prophecy.

6. Neo-Sumerian King Shulgi of Ur Invents the Word "Ziggurat" - It's hard to believe it's been 4034 years since Shulgi was hanging out with the boys and said, "Bros, I need to come up with the craziest word of all time." So he and the homeboys kept suggesting insane sounding words like "Cattywampus" and "Widdershins." Finally, Shulgi was like, "Hey, what about Ziggurat?" and everyone burst into laughter. After that point, they decided to built these crazy, large temple complexes and just named them all "Ziggurats" as an inside joke.

But WHAT A VIEW for her last few minutes!

5. That really cute Druid girl, Brigid, got sacrificed at Stonehenge - EVERYBODY knows that from the period between 2280 BC to 1930 BC, Stonehenge was at its peak. The bluestones were re-arranged in a circle format between the two rings of sarsens and an oval was placed at the center of the inner ring with the Altar Stone re-erected vertically. But what people are less aware of is the fact that Brigid (that really hot ginger Druid girl with the cute freckles) was sacrificed upon the Altar Stone EXACTLY in the year 2017 BC. You'd think that being named "Brigid" would have helped her out, what with her name being an evocation of "the exalted one," a goddess who was the daughter of the Dagda and wife of Bres, with whom she had a son named Ruadán. But alas, it wasn't enough to save Brigid from having her neck slashed on the summer solstice to appease the gods and ensure a bountiful harvest.

4. The Minoans Invent Cretan Hieroglyphs in Order to Write Erotic Poetry about Britomartis - As you might or might not be aware, it was in September of 2017 BC that Agafya of Kydonia (modern day Chania) invented the Cretan hieroglyphic language. Cretan hieroglyphs are, of course, a precursor language to Linear A. Why did Agafya invent a language? Because he was really, really, REALLY into Britomartis, a goddess of mountains and hunting. Agafya invented a language so that he could write HOT, HOT, HOT sexy stories about Britomartis engaging in dirty sexual acts.  As Britomartis was generally interpreted as a virgin goddess, this was especially provocative. Unfortunately, the exact SEXY stories about Britomartis are unknown to this day, as the Cretan hieroglyphic language remains undeciphered.

3. Assyrian King Shalim-ahum Ordered that Beer Vat to be Built by the Temple - Oh man, that was so sweet, right? Remember when Shalim-ahum said that the mighty East Semetic solar god, Ashur, ordered him to build a temple in his honor? It seemed to be a truly divine calling, but then Shalim-ahum  diverted half the funds for the temple so that he could have a sweet-ass vat to brew beer in. Yeah, he put the vat right next to the temple and claimed that it was "part of the temple complex." Nice move, Shalim-ahum... but we see what you did there! For the rest of his reign it was keg parties every day.

This was almost worse than the Grays Sports Almanac thing.

2. Doc Brown and Marty almost start the Industrial Revolution Too Early After they Misplace the DeLorean in Phong Châu - Who can forget that time that Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly took their time-traveling DeLorean DMC-12 back to ancient Phong Châu to check up on how things were going during the third dynasty of Hùng kings in the land which is now known as Vietnam?  They thought parking the DeLorean in that cave would be a great idea... but when one of leaders of the native Cấn people found the DeLorean and figured out how to use it... they almost changed the course of world history by jump-starting the Industrial Revolution a whole 37 centuries too early! It was a shame that the Doc and Marty had to brutally execute every Cấn native who had been in contact with the DeLorean to ensure that none of their knowledge forever changed history.

1. Behold, For Ten Suns Rose from the East to Scorch the Fields and Turn the World into a Wasteland - Oh shit... it was just the WORST when TEN different suns rose one morning to punish mankind for its sins by cleansing the world with fire. Fortunately for mankind, before the ten suns got too far west to destroy all of humanity, famous Chinese archer Hou Yi shot down nine of the ten suns, leaving only the last one. Which is EXACTLY the amount of suns we needed. You'd think Hou Yi would forever have remained in favor after such an accomplishment. Alas, Hou Yi would become a conceited and tyrannical man. He tried to live forever and sought to get an elixir of immortality from Xiwangmu, the Queen Mother of the West. Eventually he would be betrayed by his lieutenant, Han Zhuo, in the eighth year of the reign of Tai Kang's nephew, King Xiang of Xia. Despite the tragic eventual fall from grace of Hou Yi, we really have GOT to thank him for that whole "too many suns" thing.