Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Ed Ranks the Main Characters of Dawson's Creek

At least he did give us this meme.
11. Dawson Leery - (James Van Der Beek) Dawson is easily the worst thing about Dawson's Creek. The show should honestly have been at least called Pacey's Creek. Dawson is a whiny little bitch whose likes, dislikes, personality, and stiff dialogue seem to be more like what a man in his mid-30s who grew up in the late 70's and early 80's might say and think. Oh wait, maybe that's because the creator of the show is exactly those things. The show lazily tries to convince us that this teenager just has an "old soul," rather than go to any effort to try to research what actual teenagers in the late 1990s like, dislike, or sound like. The show finally ends with Dawson creating a TV show about his experiences growing up, just in case the self-important creator of the show thought that maybe the fact that the show was all about him was too subtle.

10. Bessie Potter - (Nina Repeta) I had absolutely forgotten that Nina Repeta was billed as a main cast member for the first four seasons, and can remember nothing about this character at all.

9. Gail Leery - (Mary-Margaret Humes) Dawson's entire family is awful too, but at least they're not Dawson.

8. Mitch Leery - (John Wesley Shipp) Whenever this guy had screen time, I just imagined him dressed up as "The Flash."

7. Evelyn "Grams" Ryan - (Mary Beth Peil) Grams-centric episodes were just the worst. Oooh look! She's deeply religious but Jen is an Atheist. CONFLICT! What? People don't like this character? How about half way through the series we just radically change her personality so viewers are more sympathetic to her. Let's even give her a love story too! No thanks.

6. Audrey Liddell - (Busy Phillips) Was anyone still watching this show by the time Busy Phillips had a recurring role in Season 5 and joined the main cast in Season 6? Did anyone actually fall for the fake-out that Pacey would end up with Audrey instead? No, to both questions. Everyone knew this was Pacey's Creek and that Pacey would get Joey.

5. Andie McPhee - (Meredith Monroe) Just another fake-out love interest for Pacey. Pacey was such a pimp, he got all the girls. Andie was so irrelevant that they wrote her out after season 4 and cut her scene for the series finally.

4. Jack McPhee - (Kerr Smith) What's this? A depiction of a gay person on network TV that makes him out to be a layered, complex character instead of an overly flamboyant foppish dandy who goes around shouting that he's gay? And instead of his role on the show just being "the gay guy," he's actually treated as a normal character like every other character who drives the plotline in a number of ways that have nothing to do with his sexuality and which do not just reinforce stereotypes? Yes, I'm throwing shade at you, Will & Grace.

3. Joey Potter -  (Katie Holmes) Joey is, in some ways, simply the MacGuffin of Dawson's Creek - the plot device in the form of a desired object that the protagonists (Dawson and Pacey) pursue. She is Sam Spade's Maltese Falcon, Jerry Thompson's Rosebud, and Indiana Jones' Ark of the Covenant. But to be fair, she was absolutely the main character of the show, much more so than Dawson. She was the girl next door that everybody loved. But forget that "Dawson's soulmate" nonsense, everybody knew that Pacey would get you in the end. So why rank you #3? Well, because #2 moved into town...

Michelle Williams (left)
2. Jen Lindley - (Michelle Williams) When Jen moved in from New York, Dawson stopped paying attention to his childhood crush/best friend Joey and started paying attention to Jen. Who wouldn't? Because, I mean, look at Michelle Williams. Katie Holmes is cute and all, but Michelle Williams is Michelle Williams. Did I mention Michelle Williams? Because Michelle Williams. Too bad your plotlines got steadily worse every year. But I'll never forgive them for killing you off in the series finale. Michelle Williams.

1. Pacey Witter - (Joshua Jackson) Some weird clerical error at the WB inadvertently renamed the show Pacey's Creek after some irrelevant whiny supporting character named "Dawson." Pacey's Creek was a show about a teenage playboy and Mighty Duck named Pacey who (1) bangs his English teacher, Ms. Jacobs, (2) starts macking on Dawson's wannabe girlfriend Joey, (3) dated a girl named Andie so hard that she had a nervous breakdown, (4) totally does that "friends with benefits" thing with Jen who is Michelle Williams because Michelle Williams, (5) continues messing with that loser Dawson by finally stealing Joey away for real and taking her out on a boat (subtly named "True Love") for the entire summer, (6) ditches Joey at senior prom just to make the biggest splash possible and show that pimps ain't got no time fo' a steady ho, (7) starts dating Joey's college roommate, Audrey, because he don't even give a fuck, (8) eventually winds up with Joey in a flash forward to the future... although we all know that won't last because Pacey is the ultimate playa who can't settle for just one lady, and (9) opens up the Fringe Division at the FBI.

Although he and NSYNC jointly share responsibility for
the late 90's/early 00's war crime that was frosted tips.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Ed Ranks the Monarchs of England (Part III – the 14 Best)

No further explanation needed by this point. These are the greatest monarchs of English/British history. You could argue with the rankings,  but then you’d be wrong.

Edward III pointing and laughing at dead Frenchmen
14. Edward III

The third Edward in a row, Edward III was certainly better than his terrible dad (remember the poker up the ass guy from Part I?) but would never live up to the epic legacy of his crusading, Welsh and Scottish-ass kicking grandfather, Edward Longshanks. He took the throne at age 14 after the machinations of his mother Isabella and her paramour Roger Mortimer. And while for the first few years of his reign they were the ones in control, by the time he was 17, Edward III rose up and had Mortimer executed in order to begin ruling on his own.  On the bad side during his reign – England was totally ravaged by the black plague. But you can’t really blame that on him, can you? The latter part of his long reign of 50 years (the second longest in this period only to Henry III) was full of political strife and military failures that began to taint his legacy. In his final years he played almost no role at all in the running of the country and his closest advisors, who did run the country, were constantly the subject of criticism and grievances from Parliament. But on the good side, Edward III presided over a reign that transformed England into one of the most formidable military powers in Europe. His rule featured vital developments in legislation and government, especially the English Parliament. He enjoyed amazing popularity throughout his reign, and even late in it (when there were many political and military failures) he himself was not blamed. He was a much better warrior than a statesman, which in that sense makes him like other relatively successful kings of the medieval era like Richard I.  Despite the few struggles which might have undermined part of his rule, he gets major points for saving and turning around what otherwise almost became a doomed country under his father.

13. George V

Grandson to Victoria and Grandfather to Elizabeth II, George the V was a transitional king in a transitional age, but did a pretty good job at it considering that until he was 27 he pretty much never figured he was going to be king. But his older brother died and that put him in the line, so he had to change any plans on being a playboy that he might have had in order to be a great ruler (something he didn’t teach well enough to his dickhead son, Edward VIII). And King George V did pretty well for himself in an era that was not too kind to kings at all. He reigned during World War I (on the winning side, so points there), which did not bode well for two of his first cousins that who were also rulers - Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany (his enemy in the war, on the losing side and who was forced to abdicate) and Czar Nicholas II of Russia (ruler of an Allied power, but also forced to abdicate and was executed by the Bolsheviks). Charles I of Austria was also forced to step down, ending the Hapsburg Dynasty of rule in Europe. Yeah, remember how England was scared of Hapsburg influence during the reign of Queen Bloody Mary like 360+ years before George V? Well, they were still around and had pretty much been around since Radbot, Count of Habsburg, who was born around the year 985. That is not a typo. The Hapsburgs had a 1000-year dynasty that just came to an end. People in Europe were just tired of damn monarchs.  Even those on the winning side of the war. So while most countries at this time were going “let’s get rid of our kings,” George V managed to hang on… an accomplishment in itself. He was loved throughout his reign as a stoic, proper, upper class model of British-ness to aspire for, as well as a strong supporter of the Empire, which was still kicking it just fine during his reign.

12. Henry VII

He ruled for over 23 years, which is not too shabby. He also came to the throne by defeating the last King, Richard III, at the Battle of Bosworth Field. And if you get to become king by beating the last king in a battle, that’s always a much more awesome story to tell then just “my dad died.” It also doesn’t hurt his legacy that his victory in battle and a convenient political marriage brought a final end to the 30+ years of the Wars of the Roses, a series of little civil wars between two branches of the royal House of Plantagenet that divided the nation and included the execution of countless members of the nobility. He established the House of Tudor, leading to a comparative era of peace and stability, and also made great progress with collecting taxes (booo!). He’s not the best of the best and can’t crack the top 10, but he got shit done.

He wore panty hose. Deal with it.
11. Charles II

Here is a guy who had his shit together, unlike his dipshit father Charles I or his dipshit brother James II. For over 11 years there was an Interregnum where England became a commonwealth with no monarch.  Pretty much the only thing that stopped the British monarchy from ending for all time was the fact that Cromwell was such a boring, conservative tightass Puritan that he banned drinking, plays, and prostitution. Needless to say after 11 years of that shit you can see why the people of England started to get wistful about how great things were back when they had a king.  So they decided to invite young Charles Jr. back from exile, and it worked out pretty well for them. He successfully ruled for 36 years and while Tories and Whigs had radically different opinions of him at the time - the ultimate balance of his legacy sort of ends up with a description of him as a “lovable rogue.”  He could be douchey, lazy, authoritarian, and would divert tax money to pay for his many mistresses - but he was also tolerant, considerate, excellent in a crisis, and was kind of just a loveably, merry rapscallion. I pretty much imagine him like The Onion imagines Joe Biden. He was a patron of the arts and sciences including names that you should remember like Isaac Newton and Christopher Wren. In fact, he signed off on a lot of the reconstruction of London after the Great Fire of 1666 - so much of the modern London as we know it is due to him. One legend is that he liked to just go out into the city and hang out with the regular people. But his younger brother, James, warned him against it and said it was dangerous and that he could be assassinated. But then Charles replied back that nobody would want to kill him because then he (James) would become king. That’s just being boss. Remember Dave Chappelle’s Killin' Them Softly standup special where he joked that the first Black President could only avoid being assassinated by having a Mexican Vice President? Charles II essentially created that joke over 300 years earlier.

10. George VI

Top 10 time! George VI took a rocky situation that almost ended the monarchy and managed to smooth things out.  The abdication crisis of 1936 occurred after his brother Edward VIII wanted to step down after less than a year as king. This was less than a generation after a number of the ruling monarchies of Europe (Romanovs, Hohenzollerns and Hapsburgs) were all overthrown. Their father, George V, was one of the few who held onto their throne after the great changes in the aftermath of World War I. With the new king stepping down and “republicanism” sweeping through Europe - maybe England didn’t need a king anymore! Public faith in the monarchy was near, if not at, an all-time low. But George VI did get the throne, and managed to turn things around. He had the misfortune to rule during World War II, but put on a brave face to the nation. He refused to flee to the countryside during the German bombing raids of London - and stayed in Buckingham Palace where he and his wife were almost killed in a bombing raid. Although initially not a supporter of Winston Churchill becoming Prime Minister, through the war they formed a close bond and partnership that is described as the closest Monarch-Prime Minister relationship in history. They met privately every Tuesday to discuss the war, no matter what. The king showed courage, strength and leadership that helped prevent the UK from becoming demoralized during their darkest hours of the Blitz. And while Americans make a lot of jokes about going over there and saving the UK’s ass, the US really couldn’t have won the war without them (and without the filthy damn Russians).  

Wait... was Peggy Carter based on the Queen?!
9. Elizabeth II

Look, it’s really hard to judge a sitting monarch. Not only is her reign not over yet and legacy still not complete, but it’s hard for anyone to distance themselves from their contemporaries to make a fair judgment. But, you know, I have to rank her somewhere.  First of all, there is a lot of great stuff that Elizabeth II has going for her. She’s the longest reigning ruler in British history and she’s widely beloved and popular despite the fact that the monarchy has become a figurehead role. Plus she’s been able to keep that popularity going despite reigning in turbulent times that have included personal royal family drama, the vast social changes of the civil rights era, as well as a number of conflicts including the Falklands War, the continued “low-level” ethno-national war known as the “Troubles” in Northern Ireland, and several conflicts in the Middle East. But on the flip side, the British Empire is not what it used to be. While that fall from power began before her time and represents a greater trend that ended the Colonial era writ-large, add that to the fact that she’s really just a figurehead with no authority and can you really say she’s the best of the best? No. But father and daughter – George VI and Elizabeth – are ranked next to each other because their legacies are entwined in a lot of ways.  Elizabeth’s rule hasn’t been much of a departure from that of her father’s (and both are largely just continuations on Victoria’s legacy – but that’s to be discussed later). 

8. James I

As much as Edward I tried to conquer Scotland, in the end it was actually Scotland that conquered England. When Elizabeth I died without an heir, it was James - the son of her arch nemesis, Mary Queen of Scots – who was next in line for the British throne. So with England and Scotland uniting under one crown (“The Union of the Crowns”) with one monarch is sort of the beginning of what would indeed become a “United Kingdom” (although technically that term applies to the union with the Kingdom of Ireland in 1801). If you count his time as the ruler of Scotland (as James VI) in addition to his time as James I of England, then he had a reign of almost 58 years. The longest ever for a male who didn’t fuck up and lose the American colonies. Instead, he settled the American colonies! It’s called JAMEStown, duh. In addition to that, the British Empire was in full swing during James’ reign, with trade through the British East India Company expanding exponentially and making England super rich. Much of what we think as classics from the “Golden Age” of Elizabethan arts were actually from James’ reign. Arguably, Shakespeare was more famous and important in the era of James than he was during Elizabeth’s time. However, James' rule was a time of peace, proving that being an awesome warmonger isn’t the only qualification to make you rank high on my list (although I do have some awesome warmongers). Elizabeth I and James I provided a back-to-back period (almost 90 years)  of stability and growing influence that essentially transformed England from just another European kingdom into an elite global power in charge of an Empire that would remain a dominant, hegemonic force well into the 20th Century.

During the reign of Henry II, these orange and yellow
parts of France had a different name: "England."
7. Henry II

This entry is going to be long, because I really feel like this might be a controversial choice for such a high ranking, and I need to defend it thoroughly.  The reign of Henry Curtmantle doesn’t exactly inspire love from many, and I could imagine that a lot of people might rank him pretty low. Let’s get some of the initial stuff out of the way first - yes. If you know anything about Henry II (although you probably don’t), it’s likely from Lion in Winter, or Becket, or some other history dealing with St. Thomas Becket. As if Henry II was a supporting actor to Becket in his own reign. Did Henry II actually say “Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?” and sort of quasi order the murder of the Archbishop of Canterbury while he was in the middle of his prayers at his own Cathedral? I dunno. Maybe!  And no, he wasn’t the father of the year, as just about every single one of his sons rebelled against him or betrayed him at a certain time (including Richard I and John). He wasn’t husband of the year either, as his wife Eleanor of Aquitaine helped participate in (and egged on) almost all of those rebellions from his sons… and Henry imprisoned her for 16 years for it. Henry and Eleanor were like ultimate medieval toxic/destructive couple. They were the Kurt and Courtney, the Bonny and Clyde, the Sid and Nancy, the Chris and Rhianna of their day. They were constantly feuding with one another, but also had like a million children together - so there must have been lots of hot breakup sex mixed in. The reason behind the feuding with his wife and children was likely due to the same reason he bumped heads with Becket and the Church - this dude was King, he was in control, and he didn’t want to give up control to anyone else. Becket wanted Henry to stay out of ecclesiastical trials, but Henry wanted his royal justices to be involved. Eleanor and the kids wanted to be given some roles and responsibilities in the fairly large Angevin Empire that, in addition to England, also included huge chunks of France. Henry didn’t want to give up any of his power. That’s just how he was. These toxic relationships led to his own downfall and death while he was warring with his own son Richard out in France. But despite his own self-caused downfall - Henry II has a lot of a legacy to be proud of. Yes, Henry II was a micromanager who wanted to do everything himself - but when he did do everything himself, it got done right. If you’re an autocrat that sucks at your job, you’re just the worst. Henry II was an autocrat that took a fragile English society that had just gone through 18 years of civil war and put things back right. Less than 100 years into the Norman Conquest, there was still distrust and cultural clashes between the Normans and Anglo-Saxons. But Henry smoothed things over by continuing and expanding upon his grandfather’s (Henry I) policies of conciliation, two-way assimilation, and legal reform. The gradual changes in law which he enacted essentially formed and created the English “Common Law,” which is still the basis of the legal systems used in England, the United States, and much of the world to this day. Yes, the American legal system in 2016 owes nearly as much (if not more) to Henry II as it does to the Constitution, Magna Carta, and other documents. Militarily, he did pretty good jobs of keeping his possessions on the continent as well as expanding the Norman Conquest into Ireland and Wales - locations that earlier generations of English kings were never able to successfully conquer. Henry simply got shit done and increased the power of England in order to prevent another period of crisis and succession drama like what happened in The Anarchy. Of course, irony had to intervene so that Henry’s own overbearing will caused family discord which, in turn, led to the exact chaos and succession questions with his kids that he wanted to avoid in the first place. If you Google “greatest kings of England,” hardly anyone will put Henry II near the top. But they’re all wrong. Henry II’s only flaw was that he was too damn good for his own good.  Who can hate him? Henry VIII executed two of his wives with little reason at all. Henry II’s wife openly rebelled against him like four times, he just laughed it off and they banged it out almost every time.

6. William I (the Conqueror)

This dude is nicknamed “the Conqueror,” which is a pretty succinct way to say that he totally kicked ass and is deserving of a pretty high rank. He came across the channel from Normandy with 5000 knights and conquered a country of 1.5 million. England changed so much via his conquest that 1066 and the Battle of Hastings is a key point in British history. I’m disregarding any king of England from before 1066 on this list because William sort of establishes a new dynasty. Even a lot of English sources essentially ignore kings before William I and start really counting monarchs with the Norman Conquest. Which really sucks because I could have totally thought of some charming things to say about Edward the Confessor. During William’s reign he easily put down all the rebellions against him, greatly expanded the motte and castle defense system throughout the country, and even did that Domesday census that gives us an amazing and unprecedented understanding of the people, land ownership, and religious institutions which existed at the end of the 11th century. Even if he only did it so he could tax all of those poor bastards. Want to talk about a legacy? Despite all the twists and turns with Germans and other people being put on the throne for a while, his blood descendants still hold the throne to this day after a thousand years (William the Conqueror is Queen Elizabeth II’s 22nd Great-Grandfather). So good work Billy.

No caption or explanation required. 
5. Richard I (the Lionheart)

Richard I is definitely one of the most famous and well-known English kings, so his legacy is already secure in the hearts and minds of the people. How much that has to do with Robin Hood stories I’m not sure, but no matter what he’ll always be famous as that brave Crusader king. That being said, there is a lot of hate out there with people trying to bring Richard down and argue that he wasn’t as great as the legends make him out to be. He didn’t rule that long. The short time he did rule, he was barely actually in England because he was always out in France or on the Crusade. He didn’t even speak English because he was totally just a Frenchman from Aquitaine. He taxed the country insanely. There was horrible persecution of Jews during his reign. He fired large numbers of people from royal positions and essentially demanded bribes to re-fill them. His crusading jeopardized stability back at home and England’s territorial possessions in France. Yes, these things are all technically true. But Richard I was a warrior king during an era when kings were supposed to be warriors and he kicked ass. He was a legend in his own time and his enemies respected, feared, and fled from him. He wasn’t a bigot who viewed Saladin or the Muslims as an inferior race – but instead he treated with them and negotiated with Saladin’s forces like they were equals. Hating on Richard for how little time he spent on the British Isle is kind of a bad thing to do, because 1) he was kidnapped and held ransom by the Holy Roman Emperor during a substantial part of his reign, so you can’t really blame that on him, 2)  England / the Angevin Empire at the time was more than just the isle of Britain so his time in what we’d call “France” was actually time well-spent trying to secure and expand his empire, and 3) he was on a damn Crusade, kicking ass and coming within 12 miles of taking Jerusalem (only to be undermined by a lack of support from his lousy French and German Crusader allies). His father, Henry II, was (as we saw) a great administrator with the common law and all – which made him a great king in a different sort of way. But that administration crap just wasn’t Richy’s style. He had advisors and councilors who could do that admin shit. The Lionheart just wanted to fight and kill and he did that better than almost any other king. Some people call the Third Crusade a “failure” since the Christians didn’t take Jerusalem. But it was more complicated than that. With all the feuding and turmoil between fellow Christian forces, the Crusade was actually surprisingly more successful than it should have been – due almost entirely to Richard I’s dynamic leadership. Part of that was Richard’s gargantuan ballsack when going into battle, but the more important part of it was Richard’s understanding of long-term battle logistics and supply lines. Striking Muslim supply caravans was just important to him as glorious bloody battle. There were battles that Richard unpopularly refused to take up because he understood that, even if he won, the Christian forces in the Crusader States would never be able to supply or hold onto them. Others encouraged him to go into un-winnable battles saying, “we’ll win the battle because God is on our side,” but Richard trusted in the facts on the ground, and retreated when he knew they could do no more. The end result of the war was really a sort of compromise where Muslims still controlled Jerusalem but recognized its importance to Christians and gave them the right to peaceably visit.  Which is really a very 21st century peace deal for a 12th century war. In the end, Richard died like he lived, taking a crossbow bolt to the shoulder at a siege against the French. Richard I was just straight-up badass. 

Pictured above: A rebellious terrorist.
King Edward I did not negotiate with
terrorists!
4. Edward I

Ah, Longshanks. Finally a high quality Edward who absolutely rocked it. As with his incompetent son, Edward II, you’re likely most familiar with Longshanks as the horrible villain in Braveheart. You know, that evil Englishman who terrorized the Scots by having his lords claim the right of Primae Noctis on women on their marriage night, scoffed when the Princess donated to the poor because he hated poor people, threw random people out of windows for fun, and was altogether just murderous and ruthless. All bullshit. Well, I mean he was a little ruthless to the the Scots, but then again the situation wasn’t as good vs. evil as Mel Gibson would want us to think. Yes, he waged war against Scotland, but honestly the battles were less about freedom and more like a Game of Thrones between different Scottish nobles, including some who kinda were either loyal or disloyal to Edward depending on the prevailing winds or what advantage it gave them. The regular peasants weren’t any more or less free under any ruler - be the last name Plantagenet, Baliol, Bruce, or any other. Edward I actually became king when he was off on the Crusades (where he actually stacked up a load of victories, including capturing Nazareth for the Christians), and would go on to rule for almost 35 years. In his time helped solidify the Parliament, set the country back on course after the somewhat middling rule of his father Henry III (ranked 19 here - not horrible, nor awesome), finally conquered and colonized Wales (even the most successful kings before him only had minor victories in the Welch Marchlands), was involved in complex war and diplomacy on the main European continent, paid close attention to the administration of the country and replaced royal officials who had been abusing powers, promoted strong legal codes (he’s been called the “English Justinian”), negotiated with merchants to secure duties that would fund his extensive wars, and yes kicked enough Scottish butt to be nicknamed “The Hammer of the Scots.” Was he perfect? No, of course not. He was famous for being impatient and having a bad temper, although it was overplayed by Patrick McGoohan. Plus, he was absolutely a dick to the Jews in England, although I challenge you to find medieval kings who weren’t. But the Coronation Chair at Westminster Abbey that every King or Queen is crowned on is technically “King Edward’s Chair.” He even had a little slat on the bottom of it to fit the Stone of Destiny (the rock on which all Scottish kings were crowned) as a giant middle finger to the Scots just to prove that the King of England was also now the King of Scotland. A pretty solid legacy.

Victoria: Master of the Quarterstaff
3. Victoria

Victoria ruled from 1837 to 1901, which was the longest rule in British history until QE2 came along. In 1867 she also adopted the extremely modest title of “Empress of India.” Why? Because that’s just something you can do when you rule for over 60 years and, during your reign, your empire expands to make up one quarter of the earth's land. Let me repeat that to you again. ONE. QUARTER. OF. THE. EARTH.  Although by this time the United Kingdom was a constitutional monarchy, Victoria still influenced things and guided the nation’s policy in more subtle ways. Behind the scenes she worked closely to steer ministerial appointments and other matters, something that wasn’t even publicly known until after she died and her personal correspondences were released.  But just because she worked behind the scenes a lot doesn’t mean she wasn’t a major public figure. She herself became the physical personification of the morality, codes, and dress of her era, which is evidenced by the approximately six billion costume dramas that are set in the Victorian era.  She became universally beloved (well okay, probably not in India), and if English people are ever wishing things would go back to like in “the good old days” they’re probably thinking of this era. But let’s just talk about how big of a turnaround Victoria’s reign was for England. She came to the throne after over a century of absolutely mediocre Hanoverian rule (other than George III, who graduated from “mediocre” to “mixed results” with his rule). She turned the British throne around through her empire and the functions and reputation of the British throne today are absolutely based on her reign. No British/English monarch has ever had such a cultural impact – both within their own time period, as well as a lasting impact for the next century plus after. The 20th century monarchs who were able to make the top 14 list (George V, George VI, and Elizabeth II) only were able to climb up so high because Victoria set the model of the “modern” British monarch for them - and they followed the model. 

Nice fleet you have there, Philip II. It would be a shame if
anything happened to it.
2. Elizabeth I

In 1588, the supposedly “invincible” Grande y Felicísima Armada was heading for England, and things were getting pretty grim. The ultimate goal of the Spanish was to dethrone Elizabeth, end the Tudor dynasty, and wipe out Protestantism in England so everyone could be Catholic again like the good old days before that sociopath Henry VIII.  But the Spanish Armada got its ass kicked and that alone seems like enough to assure Elizabeth’s legacy. Although she wasn’t a warrior queen like some kings were warrior kings - she came pretty close. Even with the Spanish fleet pretty much defeated at the Battle of the Gravelines, the threat of a Spanish invasion was still real. Elizabeth herself went out to the frontlines at Tilbury where the English troops were preparing their defenses for an invasion and gave a stirring speech. The exact words of it are debated and there are multiple versions, but it’s generally agreed that she pulled the “strong, independent woman” card and talked about how even though she was “just” a woman she was really a king too with the heart of a king, and she didn’t need to marry no foreign king and get a man to secure her throne - she owned that shit. She also said stuff about loving and trusting her people, faith in God, honor, obedience, and how they were totally going to win. And you know what? The Spanish just backed the fuck off and left.  To this day, this speech and the entire reign of Elizabeth I sort of symbolizes England’s independence, sovereignty, self-reliance, and its courage to stand up to foreign invaders. Beyond 1588, she had a pretty successful reign where she was frequently able to overcome attempted plots and invasions, helped establish and define the national church, expanded trade, sent Raleigh and Drake around to colonize the world (and thus expand trade even more), promoted the arts, and got the love of her subjects. You know your 44-year reign is pretty awesome when they just go ahead and call it “The Golden Age.” Oh, and did I mention Shakespeare? Because Shakespeare. Queen Elizabeth I is part of the British national mythology, much more than my #1 pick. But I’m not ranking contributions to national mythology… I’m ranking awesome.

Sir Kenneth Branagh covered in dirt and blood is essentially all you need to
see in order to understand the essence of England's greatest monarch, Henry V.
1. Henry V

Henry V ruled for less than 10 years and died at age 36, but in that short-ish time on Earth he was epic enough to become a central character in three Shakespeare plays. Remember when I was talking about the Percy Rebellion during the reign of his father, Henry IV? Henry V fought in that in July 1403. Henry V was born in August 1386. He was 16. And by “fought in that,” I mean, “he was commander of an entire army that he led into Wales, leading it to victory at the Battle of Shrewsbury.” But he was the king’s son and probably just symbolically in the battle while commanding his army from the rear, right? No. He was in the front of it and got shot in the face with an arrow. When his father fell ill a few years later, Henry V started running the country like he was the new king, rather than just being a substitute teacher, and he did it pretty damn well (although when his father recovered, the old man rolled some of Henry’s decisions back). When his father finally died, Henry V turned his eye to what he always wanted to turn it to - France.  A military genius, he crossed the channel and attacked the supposedly impregnable fortress at Harfleur and pregnated it. Less than a month later, Henry V’s brilliant victory at the Battle of Agincourt (the cherry atop the ice cream of the 100 Years War) and Henry’s later battles almost ended France. His complete ass-kicking in France led to a situation where the French king (Charles VI) pretty much just gave up, and begged for peace. In the Treaty of Troyes, Charles VI agreed that his daughter should just marry Henry V, that Henry V was now officially the regent of France, Henry V was also now heir to the French throne (skipping Charles VI’s kids), and that Henry V’s kids with his daughter would become the future heirs to the French throne after Henry, as well as to the English throne. Just think about it. He came this close to making France a territory of England forever. France would just be one of those weird names from the past like “Prussia” or “Zanzibar” that you hear in history class, but know nothing about. You’d tell your friend, “Hey, I’m visiting Paris this weekend,” and they’d reply, “Oh, have fun in England. I hear it’s so nice there this time of year. Speaking of nice, Nice is also a great part of England.” Then you’d reply back, “Yeah, but not as good as Marseille. I love those English wines from Provence.”  Unfortunately, the fun couldn’t last forever. Henry V suddenly died of dysentery and his heir Henry VI was just absolute shit - he ranked #37 on my list, the 6th worst. The French quickly reneged on the treaty after Henry V’s death and with a weak, terrible, new king England was unable to hold onto the French crown.  I mean even a little French girl was able to beat him. If Henry V had lived just a little longer, the entire course of history would be different.  Can you imagine what would have happened if the French sent Joan up against Henry V, the unbeatable tactician and field commander? She wouldn’t be a canonized legend. She’s be a little odd footnote in history. “Hey, remember that story about the little traitorous English girl named Joan of Arc who tried to lead an army and rebelled against her English king, Henry V?  Wow that was silly! Of course she was crushed in five minutes, she was a 13 year old girl!” Alas, we’ll never know. Other stuff that Henry V did beyond the awesome battle stuff?  Well, Henry V was the first king of England to use English as his primary language for speaking and writing and made it the official language in courts, Parliament, and all government matters (350 years after the Norman Conquest, French was still the official language of England - until Henry V). This really made Henry V, in a lot of ways, the first English English king. He also put down the Southampton Plot, ran the treasury pretty damn well, and maintained good relations with the Church. But yeah, mainly he was the most brilliant and successful warrior king in English history.
England.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Ed Ranks the Monarchs of England (Part II – the 14 Middle)

Our adventure continues. Welcome to the middle ranks of kings and queens!  We have entered the realm of the mediocre and forgettable.  And this is the section that’s actually the hardest to rank. Why? Well it’s often obvious what makes a great monarch, and it’s also obvious what makes a terrible monarch. But these people either did either absolutely nothing great (so they can’t be the best) or terrible (so they can’t be the worst), or alternatively had just a mixed legacy which included a little of both. However, you will certainly still see baby steps of progress in not sucking as we move up the ranks.

George IV allowed Beau Brummell
to, alas, become a thing
28. George IV 

Wanna know how interesting and important George IV is? When I finally put together all my research to rank and write about the Monarchs, I realized that I was one short. I went through the list about four times before I realized who I was missing – this mediocre bag of nobody. He actually started having control over the country while his father, George III, was still alive but had gone batshit crazy.  This was the “Regency era” of the UK, which is what I would essentially call “the Reign of the Foppish Dandies.” The king led an extravagant lifestyle where he was really more responsible for being an ambassador for the era’s lace-based gentlemanly fashion, rather than doing anything significant. He provided no leadership in times of crisis, infamously attempted to divorce his wife, was criticized for wasteful spending, and was condemned by his ministers as selfish, unreliable and irresponsible. For all this, he earned him the contempt of the majority of British people so much that, upon his death, The Times stated of him, “There never was an individual less regretted by his fellow-creatures than this deceased king. What eye has wept for him?” Ouch. They could say that about kings in the 1800s?

27. George II

He had a pretty long reign of over 33 years, but overall didn’t have much of a lasting legacy with it. First of all, he was the last British monarch born and raised outside of Britain (he was German, like his father), and being a foreigner doesn’t always win you points with the English people you’re ruling. And it seems like he just spent most of his time hunting stags and playing cards rather than doing anything productive. England could have essentially just not had a king through the entire reigns of George I and George II, and history would be no different. He’s often depicted as a weak buffoon, totally controlled by his wife and ministers, and is also famous for being a total cheap ass who was unwillingness to spend money. In the legacy section of his Wikipedia page, there is a sentence that starts, “George may not have played a strong role in history, but he…” and I didn't even finish reading the sentence, because it told me everything that I needed to know.

Anne, looking pretty bangable here.
26. Anne

Did you even know there was a Queen Anne? Do you know anything she did? Anne’s reign can be defined by a general sense of mediocrity. Nobody says her 12+ years on the throne were some of the worst years, but nobody says that they were great either. Sure, during her reign there was the Act of Union - which transformed England and Scotland into “Great Britain” (sorry if you feel left out Wales, I guess they just classified you as part of England in the whole deal. You’re always the forgotten stepchild). But beyond that? Not much. There were some pretty devastating takedowns of her reign by contemporaries and those who lived soon after - saying that she was a meek, weak, capitulating fatty who spent most of her reign pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen making sammiches for Prince George of Denmark. But a lot of those negative views reflect sexism in an age of male dominance, and others believe that she was able to wield at least some influence. Still, although she reigned in a time of economic power and stability, she also represents a reign where the final nails were being put in the coffin of the crown having the power that it used to.

25. William IV

Billy 4.0 ruled for a few days less than 7 years, the shortest reign Post-Union with the exception of the abdicating douche Edward VIII.  And this was during the boring-ass 1830s. Like Queen Anne, you likely know almost nothing about him. I’m sure if most British people were shown his official portrait and asked to identify him, they would have no clue. The “Reform Crisis” was a part of his reign, which included the continued decline of the House of Lords, and the rise of House of Commons. There were also a number of reforms related to work in factories, child labor, and support to the poor. And even though those reforms sound great, they were sort of middle-ground compromises rather than any grand progressive social plan. He was criticized for not going far enough by some, and for going too far by others. If it were just for these facts alone, William IV would have been demoted down a few notches for just being so bleh like his even more forgettable brother George IV. But William IV also happened to be lucky enough to be king in 1833, when the Slavery Abolition Act was passed - ending slavery throughout the British Empire (mostly, even that he did as a compromise, and there were a few exceptions for another 10 years). That’s at least some legacy, right?

24. Richard II

Richard II never really had a chance to live up to the epic awesomeness of his namesake, Richard the Lionheart. But then again, who really does have a chance to be as cool as that? Richard of Bordeaux, as he was also known, came to the throne at the young age of 10 after the death of his grandfather Edward III (his father had already died) and you might only be aware of depictions of him from the eponymous Shakespeare play about him. No? Yeah, nobody else has read Richard II either, so don’t feel bad about it. That being said, Shakespeare’s depiction of Richard II as a cruel and terrible king is more a mix of Tudor politics and artistic liberties than historical fact. His reign was not prosperous or peaceful. Let’s just turn to Wikipedia again (I’m lazy) if you want a quick 101 on how things kind of went for him. The section titles for his entries include: “Peasants Revolt,” “First Crisis,” “A fragile peace,” “Second crisis,” and “Overthrow and death.”  Yeah, so not very good. There is no section called "Great time had by all when there were lots of sexy parties." There are also accusations that towards the end of his reign, Richard II was plagued by mental illness. But nobody can quite say if that’s true or not.  Whatever the case may be, the end of his reign did not go well, as alluded to with the whole “Overthrow and death” section mentioned above. Henry Bolingbroke (Richard II’s first cousin and childhood playmate) spent much time in Richard II’s reign as a close friend and advisor before then becoming a rival and enemy. Bolingbroke led an army against Richard, captured him, and allowed him to abdicate the crown in return for sparing his life. Although Bolingbroke wasn’t technically next in line for the throne, he argued that his claim through his male line was stronger, and thus became King Henry IV.  And while Henry IV initially honored his promise not to kill Richard II, after a failed uprising to restore the former king – Henry eventually decided to just let Richard starve to death in prison. Thus endeth the House Plantagenet and beginneth the War of the Roses. OH! And hey look who’s up next…

If you think about it, Zach Galifianakis' entire
career is just a post-modern take on Falstaff, right?
23. Henry IV

Richard II’s successor, Henry IV, has two Shakespeare plays just about him, and also features as a character in the one about Richard II, so he must be totally great, right? Eh, well. He was just okay. After deposing his first cousin to assume the throne, he spent most of his time as king facing a number of plots and rebellions against him. Almost immediately after taking the crown he was faced with the Epiphany Rising to kill him and restore Richard II. That was followed by a rebellion by Owain Glyndŵr in Wales, and the Percy Rebellion (actually a set of another three plots between 1402 and 1408 to overthrow him). The play Henry IV Part I is largely about a lot of the activities happening during the Percy Rebellion, while Part II is just a filler comedy with very little historic material that just directly mirrors the first play. Like it was thrown together quickly because someone demanded a sequel. It’s the Hangover 2 of Shakespeare plays. And Henry IV isn’t even really as important a character in his own plays as is his son Hal (AKA Henry V, you'll see him later in the list of awesome monarchs) and the buffoonish fatass Falstaff. Much of Henry IV’s reign was also marred by frequent illness, including a recurring bout of some skin disease (perhaps leprosy or psoriasis). He finally succumbed to his illnesses, which brought Henry V to the throne, ready to put things back on the right course and kick major French ass.

22. William III & Mary II

Many people are divided on William and Mary - placing them solidly in the “meh” camp of middle-ground monarchs who were neither amazing, nor terrible. In some ways they were good. They skillfully worked a political situation in order to overthrow the ruling king (James II) and force him to abdicate. They were also sort of OG’s for knowing how to manipulate the press and public opinion - as they arrived in England with a printing press and a solid plan to win wars with propaganda as much as traditional warfare. And then when James II tried to make a comeback with the support of the Irish and French, William and Mary’s forces proved to be victors at the Battle of Boyne. It was also a rare example of a co-regents, with two married monarchs ruling at the same time. Too bad they were first cousins. Gross. But really, the “Glorious Revolution” wasn’t actually that glorious. Mary didn’t last too long herself and died less than six years into the reign. William was never super beloved by the people, as he was a Dutchman and not even English. At least he wasn’t German.

21. William II

William Rufus had the somewhat unenviable task of being the second Norman king of England. With William the Conqueror dead - it was time to see if this whole "Norman domination of England" thing was going to be for real or just fall apart after the man responsible for it was gone. Well, things didn’t fall completely apart for him and the Normans, so I guess William II had some success there. In fact, the biggest uprising Rufus faced wasn’t from the conquered Anglo-Saxons, but from a fellow Norman named Robert de Mowbray. The Normans were just ornery people. William II defeated his challenger though, proving to be an effective military commander. He also successfully put down a Scottish invasion, had some minimal gains in the Welsh marchlands, and secured the northern Maine from France. The First Crusade also happened during William II’s time, and while he didn’t directly participate, his brother Robert did and he showed adequate skill in collecting taxes to fund it. Don't underestimate just how hard and important collecting taxes was in this time. But overall, his reign wasn’t that great. Most of his rule can be defined by a struggle between church and state, with William II frequently banging heads with Anselm, the Archbishop of Canterbury. Still, it never got quite to the level of the Henry II and Thomas Beckett feud. In the end, William II decided to go hunting in the woods and was “mysteriously” shot with an arrow through the lung and died. Did his brother, Henry I, do it to take the throne? Nobody really knows. It’s the kind of thing that just happened back then. You just gotta shrug it off and keep going. Well not William, because he was dead.

Regal as fuck
20. Edward VII

He ruled for a little over 9 years, but like now with Prince Charles waiting for his mom to die, Edward VII had to wait forever to get to the throne since his own mother, Victoria, just wouldn’t kick the bucket. And while his reign was technically enough time on the throne so that there is a distinctly recognized “Edwardian Age,” it’s still in almost every way seen as a subservient continuation of, and little brother to, the “Victorian Age.”  The Edwardian Age is the New Coke of ages. It wasn’t actually that bad, but people just didn’t care for it when their memories were so tied to the way things used to be. He’s lauded as a constitutional British sovereign, expert diplomat, and as a peacemaker who helped prevent war in Europe (at least for the time being, WWI was just around the corner). Other than that though - the definition of an uneventful reign. 

19. Henry III

Henry of Winchester reigned for over 56 years, which makes him the longest reigning king in the medieval era. The son of the lousy King John, Henry assumed the throne at age nine and had a long reign that didn’t include enough excitement to leave him much of a lasting legacy. When he assumed the throne, England was in the middle of a revolt by landowners known as the First Baron’s War. Although the crown was victorious in the war, they never quite "won the peace” and struggled to maintain royal control in distant parts of the realm. He disregarded what a lot of his predecessors did and never really assembled a powerful cabinet of chancellors and justicars – wishing to keep personal power as king rather than rely on advisors. That beings said, he generally followed charters closely and ruled in a constitutional, rather than autocratic, manner. He took up the pious pre-Norman king Edward the Confessor as his role model and tried to be a devout, religious king. That might sound nice and all, but he also enacted policies against Jews that included fining them all a third of their wealth, forced conversions, and made them where badges to identify themselves as Jews. And we all know that that type of thing can never go terribly wrong in history. Later in his reign, there was yet another revolt – the (creatively named) Second Baron’s War, which led to more instability and crisis. As he got older, he relied more on his son, Edward, to help run the government and named him the “Stewart of England.” Which was a good thing, because this is Edward I we're talking about.

How can you hate a guy with such beautiful stained glass depictions?
18. Richard III

"Wait, what?!", you might be saying. "Richard III was terrible! How are you ranking him this high?" Well yeah, Richard III gets a lot of hate. People often assume that he must have just been one of the worst. But much of that hate is probably from being the villain in a Shakespeare play because Shakespeare thought people with physical disabilities were evil.  Okay yes, he did probably murder his nephews, including Edward V. But I mean what kings in this era didn’t murder rival family members? It’s kind of what they did back then. How well was that twelve year old going to rule anyway when the country is in the middle of a civil war between Lancasters and Yorks? And I mean there’s technically no proof that he murdered Edward V anyway. Richard III’s reign wasn’t long, ruling just over two years, so it’s not like he had a great amount of time to build a lasting empire of awesome. But it’s not like he didn’t do anything at all. His Council of the North and his Court of Requests had lasting effects on the country for centuries and helped to centralize regional governance under the crown and provide the poor with a court for grievances, respectively. And although he died losing to Henry VII, he at least died on the battlefield – being the last King of England to die in battle. Which is a pretty sharp way to go out, especially for a dude with spine issues. If I have a cold I don’t even go to work, so I couldn’t even imagine riding out on a horse to fight in a war with lifelong crippling back pain. So I’m not saying that Richard III should be given the “World’s #1 Uncle” trophy or anything, just that maybe he deserved a little better than being buried in a parking lot. In an era when kings had to be warriors - Richard III was actually a warrior and not just someone who threw on armor and played warrior at the joust.

17. Henry I

Henry Beauclerc (I guess French for "beautiful clerk?") ruled for over 35 years, which is pretty impressive for the 12th century when people could pretty much die from anything. He’s considered by many to be a harsh, but effective, ruler who was adept at manipulating his barons for his own gains. Henry I began the process of adopting existing Anglo-Saxon justice systems and practices to win the people over and cement his rule. He would also strengthen those systems with additional institutions, such as the royal exchequer and itinerant royal justices. I know administrative reform isn’t as sexy as epic wins on battlefields, but it does go towards proving competence and leadership skills. Henry has a bit of a mixed legacy though, like his older brother (that maybe he killed), William II.  Just like William, he came into conflict with the church on issues such as ecclesiastical reform. The biggest problem in his reign though came from a succession crisis. His only legitimate male heir (although he had a plethora of bastard sons) drowned at sea, which would eventually lead to chaos between Matilda (his daughter) and Stephen (a grandson of William the Conqueror), both claiming the throne after his death.

16. Edward IV

For an Edward, Eddie Quatro is actually doing fairly well for himself by elevating to near the top of the mid-level monarchs. He was the first king from the House of York, and was actually king twice - being the aforementioned monarch who secured the throne away from the absolutely awful and insane Henry VI of the House of Lancaster. Edward IV was everything that Henry VI was not. Edward was daring and capable military commander who never defeated in a single battle. Henry was not. Edward’s motto was modus et ordo (method and order). Henry’s government was plagued by a complete breakdown of law and order. And, of course most importantly, Edward  never  experienced recurring total mental breakdowns where he was completely unresponsive to everything that was going on around him, sometimes for more than a year at a time. Henry did. Although the first stint of Edward IV’s rule was marred by the War of the Roses, and he lost his throne for a few months, his second reign led to a period of relative peace. It’s too bad that after his death (he was one of the very few kings who was lucky enough to die from natural causes during this era) the peace wouldn’t stick around, which sort of undermined his hopes for a Yorkist dynasty.

George III's final years were not unlike this
15. George III

Initially, as I was formulating these rankings in my head and thinking of funny things to do with them, I planned on ranking George III as the worst. Just as a big F-U from the U-S-of-A.  Essentially my argument/joke was that losing America was the worst thing that could ever happen to England, and it’s all his fault.  And as a gag, I didn’t really have a problem ranking him under the worst of the worst. Sure, I could hyperbolically joke that he was worse than a teenage boy who was murdered without ever being crowned.  I could also throw in a couple jokes about how he was mad. But then as I researched some of the most mediocre, boring, and useless monarchs I just knew in my heart that I couldn’t honestly say that George the III was worse than his two useless shitbag sons, or his father and grandfather.  So, to be honest… George III ruled for 59 years and 96 days, the third longest of any English Monarch, ever. And the longest reign for a male! In his reign as king, he defeated France first in the Seven Years War and later defeated them again in the Napoleonic Wars. England became a dominant world power in Europe, the Americas and India. The Slave Trade Act in 1807 was enacted during his reign – the beginning of the end of slavery for England and the world (technically he only banned the slave trade, not slavery - as previously noted, his son William IV did that). The British Agricultural Revolution reached its peak, and there was unprecedented growth in the British population that led the way to create the workforce that would light the Industrial Revolution. In a time when the power of the Monarch was waning, George III pushed forward his own agendas, often ignoring Parliament, and successfully installed Pitt as his Prime Minister against Parliament’s wishes. All of these qualities would usually lead to a successful and high-ranked reign. The fact that he was completely insane, especially through the latter part of his reign, can even be overlooked.  I mean, with everything I said - he almost sounds like an AWESOME king. And he almost was, but (to get back to the reason why I initially thought of ranking him lower) he messed with ‘murica and we had to throw his tea in the harbor. Note the spelling. Not "harbour," and that's because we won. Look George III, you’re not terrible. 15th best monarch in 1000 years of history is actually pretty good. But the fact that the United States doesn’t have the Queen on its money today and isn’t part of the Commonwealth is totally your fault, buddy. If maybe you had been a little more flexible with that taxation-representation thing, then people would only talk about George Washington as some dead asshole Virginian surveyor who owned a bunch of slaves.

Such a waste of tea.


Friday, August 26, 2016

Ed Ranks the Monarchs of England (Part I – the 14 Worst)

Greetings, and welcome to my most ambitious and lengthy set of rankings yet – the three part rankings of the Monarchs of England. First off, let me set some ground rules:
  • I’m only ranking post-1066 Norman Invasion Monarchs. So fans of Æthelstan, Sweyn Forkbeard, and Cnut just need to fucking deal with it.
  • Sometimes I may improperly use the terms “England,” “Britain,” or “United Kingdom” interchangeably or inaccurately. Note that I do inherently understand the differences between these terms, but I don’t care enough to always pick the right one. Usually I just default to saying “England” (like I just did above), even when talking about post-Acts of Union monarchs.
  • I’m counting and ranking a total of 42 reigns. Is that different from your count? I don’t care, but just to clarify the rules I’m using: Matilda counts, Louis VIII of France’s brief interlude at St Paul's cathedral doesn’t count, Jane Grey counts, Phillip II of Spain doesn’t count despite Queen Mary’s Marriage Act, the Lord Protectors of the Interregnum don’t count because they are inherently not monarchs, and I rank the reign of William and Mary jointly as one reign rather than separately.
So, without further ado, let’s talk about those really shitty monarchs who sucked so hard…

He never got a chance to be anything other
than the worst
42. Edward V

Sorry Ed. You only ruled for 78 days while you were twelve years old and were never even crowned. I know that’s mainly the fault of your uncle (and ironically named “Lord Protector”) Richard III, who had you put in the tower and murdered so that he could become king. So while it’s not really your fault that your reign was so mediocre, that’s just the cards you were dealt. I mean I feel bad for writing so little about you, but then again you kind of weren’t ever really the king.

41. Empress Matilda

Well Matilda, the fact that most encyclopedic entries for your reign have “(disputed)” written after your name indicates we’re not sure if you were ever actually even ruler of England. You wrangled power away from Stephen after you captured him at the Battle of Lincoln, but were really only able to hang onto it for about 200 days before you traded him for Robert of Gloucester and fled from London without ever having a coronation. It’s really hard to move very high up the rankings if you couldn’t even last long enough for a coronation ceremony. I mean even Starscream made it through part of a ceremony. A good effort, but I don’t think England was quite yet ready for “Girl Power” in 1141, despite the fact that your claim to the throne was probably much more legitimate than Stephen’s. Still, she had the title “Empress,” so that’s pretty cool, right? No English monarch would take the Emperor/Empress title again until Victoria.

40. Edward II

Ed 2.0 is just a universal symbol for a terrible monarch. You might recall him from Braveheart as the wimpy little bitch who has his advisor/boyfriend thrown out the window. And while Braveheart might be the least historically accurate film of all time (Edward II fathered at least five children with two women, so he couldn’t have been that gay), historical consensus agrees that Edward II was pretty terrible and incompetent. Needless to say, his reign can only be described as disastrous. His Lords were constantly rebelling against him, he lost to the Scots at Bannockburn, King Charles IV seized his lands in France, and eventually his own wife led a plot with her lover Roger Mortimer to force him to abdicate in favor of their son. He was then locked up in Berkeley Castle and promptly murdered.  Nobody quite knows how he was killed, but he was so unpopular that people just assumed that he had a hot poker stuck up his ass until he died. And so that pretty much became the story that people went with for centuries. Sorry fans of World Without End, he didn’t secretly go on to live under a second identity and redeem himself. That’s just nonsense there.

39. Edward VIII

Man, there are a lot of Edwards at the bottom of this list. This is really not representing my name well. This 20th Century Nazi-loving douche playboy couldn’t even reign for all of 1936 before he abdicated to hook up with an American chick who he started a relationship with while she was still married.  Some people want to paint this as a beautiful story of love triumphing over all the odds – he gave up the crown to be with the woman he adored. Whatever. My assessment is more like, “he was far shittier than a 16 year old girl who ruled for nine days.”

Seen here with head, before they decided to remove it
38. Charles I

Charles I was a total dick. He constantly alienated both the nobility and commoners with his crazy and failed policies, especially related to religion and his half-assed wars in Scotland. But his biggest problem was that he was a dick his to his Parliament. But that in itself isn’t enough to make someone the fifth worst monarch ever. Lots of kings were dicks to Parliament. However, this guy once dismissed Parliament for 12 years without ever calling them back into session. Which would be a badass move if he hadn’t forgotten that Parliament had retained the main taxation and revenue collection powers for the country for the last, oh, 400 plus years. Given his other piss poor administration skills, he obviously also sucked at money management and went broke. So he finally called Parliament back in order to shake them down for more money. He burst into the Parliament building, trying to get them to obey his will because of his divine right. When they didn’t obey, he tried to have several members of Parliament arrested. One of those members of Parliament was a dude named “Oliver Cromwell.” If you know anything about English history, you can see where this is going. Not long after, in the very same Parliament where Charles I burst in and tried to have those members of Parliament arrested, it was he who was put on trial, found guilty, and sentenced to die. He was executed out on Whitehall, across the street from where today unknowing tourists line up to watch the changing of the Horse Guards, completely oblivious to the fact that England was once so pissed off at their king that they beheaded him right there.  Charles I was such a dick that the British Monarchy almost came to a complete end because of him. England said, “Ugh, kings are terrible,” and became a commonwealth for 11 years after his execution.

37. Henry VI

This dude was King of England from 1422 to 1461, and again from 1470 to 1471. The fact that he was king twice should, in itself, should tell you a whole lot. But most importantly, it should tell you that he was enough of a fuckup to lose his throne at least once. Well guess what? He actually lost it both times. I mean it didn’t help Henry VI that he was living in the shadow of his awesome warrior king father, Henry V. Nor did it help that he came to the throne when he was nine months old. But those aren’t good excuses because other monarchs have been successful under similar circumstances. When he became old enough to rule on his own, he essentially abandoned typical kingly duties like fighting in war and instead let some of his crappy incompetent friends run the country. Which I guess is fine if you have a booming economy and live in an age of unprecedented peace and security. Alas, Henry VI instead lived in a time when there was a complete collapse in law and order, rampant corruption, troubled crown finances, and a steady loss of England’s territories in France. When the Duke of York returned from Ireland to challenge him, he had a complete mental breakdown and went cuckoo for cocoa puffs. He was eventually forced to flee to Scotland with his wife as his rival from the House of York, Edward IV, took the throne. Henry’s wife, the badass Queen Margaret, was actually much more competent and led a resistance movement that would eventually put him back on the throne. But that restoration only lasted for six months before he was deposed again, and this time he was imprisoned. Not long after his imprisonment, he died in mysterious circumstances as imprisoned kings and princes were wont to do in this time period.

36. James II

James II was the son of that total fuckup Charles I, so incompetence was already directly in his blood (although that gene skipped his older brother, Charles II). First James II had to deal with the Monmouth Rebellion, led by his nephew, and afterwards ordered a standing army to prevent another rebellion. That doesn’t sound that crazy, but actually it was something that was totally unprecedented in peacetime throughout all of English history prior to that point. Well, this only pissed off the people of England even more, not that they liked him much before that. And while Parliament initially supported James II in a number of his policies, they soon turned on him too. After that, James II decided to disband Parliament and demand that they never meet again in his reign. Because dicking with Parliament worked so well for his dad. Eventually, nobody could take his shit anymore and his own daughter, Princess Mary, sailed over from the Netherlands with her husband William to come over get him to forcibly abdicate the throne. His other daughter, the future Queen Anne, also betrayed him too.  If your own children can’t stand your ass, how is the country supposed to like you? Getting rid of him was seen as so damn amazing that to this day it’s still known as the “Glorious Revolution.”  By now you should be noticing a pattern in my list. If you don’t rule for long enough to even be crowned, of if you’re forced to abdicate from the throne because you suck so hard, there is a good chance you’re a pretty worthless monarch.

35. Stephen

Stephen’s reign coincided with a terrible civil war period in England known as “the Anarchy.” As previously noted, his rival was the Empress Matilda, who you already saw was pretty low in the royal rankings. But that’s not to say that Stephen was much better. For one, Matilda was the rightful heir to Henry I. Henry even got Stephen to agree to that all in public and everything. But when Henry died, Stephen called backsies and made up a story that Henry super secretly really wanted him to be the next king all along, for reals. He got the support of a large number of nobles and the Pope, but essentially his entire reign was defined by raging chaos, disorder, and civil war with Matilda and the barons loyal to her.  History essentially comes out with a “meh” analysis of him, with the general conclusion that he was a good enough military commander, but had poor strategic judgment that ultimately undermined his rule. And poor Steven gets to be the monarch who ranks lowest without either (1) never being crowned or (2) abdicating, either willingly or forcefully.

Essentially, this is George I
34. George I


So how the hell did Georg Ludwig, a 54 German man and the son of somebody named “Ernest Augustus, Duke of Brunswick-Lüneburg,” become the King of freaking England? Well, that’s pretty complicated but it rests in the fact that there were over 50 much closer relatives (including actual English ones) who could have been heir to the throne after Anne… but the 1701 Act of Settlement, much like a country club in the Deep South, said “Sorry, no Catholics allowed!”  Do you remember the flimsy premise of the 1991 film King Ralph, when a fat, slobby lounge singer winds up being the heir to the British throne? Well, delete the “flimsy premise” part of that sentence from your mind because that actually happened.  George I is pretty much just the real life German King Ralph. George’s mother was Sophia of the Palatinate. Sophia’s mother was Elizabeth Stuart, Queen of Bohemia. And Elizabeth’s father was James I. Got it? Well, I don’t actually care if you do or not. But if you want to talk about mediocre, this guy ruled for over 12 years and I really have nothing to say about him. He was (rightfully) ridiculed by his British subjects and largely thought to be wooden, uncouth, dull, awkward, unintelligent, and “too damn German.”  He was so un-English of an “English” king (yeah, I know… technically “British” at this point) that he actually went on a trip back to Germany, died there, and they just buried him there in Germany rather than make even the slightest attempt to bring the body of the King of England back to England.

33. Mary I

Known as “Bloody Mary,” her most lasting legacy is that she shares a name with a drink that is only consumed by businessmen in first class on airplanes or by White people at brunch. Other than that, the eldest daughter of Henry VIII most famously enjoyed rounding up Protestants to burn them at the stake or behead them.  I mean I don’t know if she actually enjoyed it, but she did it. Although her short rule eventually cooled down with all the beheading stuff, she still tried to roll back religious reforms to make Catholicism dominant when it was way too late for that comeback. But most stupidly in her efforts to reinforce Catholicism, she married Prince Philip of Spain under an act where Philip was to be called "King of England" – which led to great outrage and fear across England that it would be made subservient to the Hapsburg Empire. And then she went on to sort of become a laughing stock by constantly having false pregnancies. It became so much of a thing that students are most likely to hear their first fart joke as a part of official academic coursework in a Tudor England class given that Giovanni Michieli, the Venetian ambassador to England, famously joked that Mary’s pregnancies were more likely to “end in wind rather than anything else.” Fart jokes and tomato juice with vodka, this is your royal legacy Mary.

John (pictured) is also fondly
remembered for his trusted Chief
Justicar, Sir Ainsley Hiss of
Gloucestershire.
32. John

John is mainly remembered as that usurper jerk who tries to steal the crown away from his brother Richard the Lionheart in most Robin Hood movies and TV shows. And that depiction is 100% right because he absolutely was a usurper jerk. When Richard was arrested and jailed by the Holy Roman Emperor on the way back from the Third Crusade, John tried to pay the Emperor a crapload of gold in order that he just hold Richard in prison for even longer. Talk about brotherly love! And when Richard eventually returned and kicked John’s ass up in Nottingham (yeah, that part of the Robin Hood legend is actually based in fact), Richy instantly forgave John and was like, “Oh, he’s just a kid who made a mistake!” Only John was a grown-ass man around 30, so he was “just being a kid” in the same way that Ryan Lochte was just being a kid at the Rio gas station. But John eventually did become king on his own when Richard decided to accessorize his left shoulder with a crossbow bolt and gangrene. And that’s when John had to go and completely castrate the absolute power of the monarchy by bowing to the will of his barons at Runnymede and agreeing to the Magna Carta. And while I suppose that the Magna Carta is a good thing in the long run, what with it being the first important step in a long process that eventually led to constitutions and democracy, it totally sucks for John that he’s the one who was sort of the beginning of the end for the king being able to do whatever the hell he wanted. And if no other English monarch ever wants to use your name again (despite it being the most common name in the English language) because it’s tainted by your stench, there’s a good chance that you sucked. Oh, and did I mention that he got excommunicated by the Pope? Because that happened.

31. Lady Jane Grey

How great of a legacy can you establish if you only rule for nine days? It’s times like this when you really need to look at quality of rule rather than quantity, right? Well even then, nine days wasn’t enough time for a 16 year old girl who was just a confused political pawn to other power hungry assholes to do much. As often happens with pawns in a game of chess, this pawn was sacrificed when the Privy Council changed their minds about Edward VI’s wishes about her being his heir. She was promptly executed by her successor (Bloody Mary) for High Treason for pretty much no good reason at all. But should royal rankings be based on what happens AFTER your rule? What if the only legacy of a martyred innocent 16 year old is that she was a martyred innocent 16 year old? Jane Grey became a Protestant heroine for centuries after her death, and she emerged a romantic and tragic figure in popular culture including a number of novels, plays and even a frigging Helena Bonham Carter movie.  Although Edward V had a similar terrible fate as one of the “Princes in the Tower,” he doesn’t even approach the epic legacy that poor Jane does. And that epic legacy after her death makes her rise well above several others who ruled for much longer but did shitty jobs during their reign. She deserves to be ranked above that bitch who had her executed. Is it unfair to Edward V that he had essentially the same tragic circumstances as Jane and yet he ranks as the worst monarch in my list while she’s several notches above him? Well sure, I guess it is a bit unfair. But maybe I’ll reassess the situation at a later point when they decide to make an awesome Edward V movie with Helena Bonham Carter. Until then…

30. Edward VI

We’re coincidentally working in reverse chronological order here for a bit. Which might surprise you, since wasn’t the Tudor dynasty supposed to be great or something instead of all in the "worst kings" section? Not really. The Tudors were famous, but other than Elizabeth they were sort of just bad. And oh Edward VI, continuing the tradition of mediocre Edwards. This sickly boy and only legitimate son of Henry VIII never had much of a chance. He had slight scoliosis of the spine, suffered from quartan fever (a form of malaria) that nearly killed him as a young child, became king at only 9 years old, then soon after suffered from another mysterious illness that almost killed him in 1550, got measles AND smallpox in 1552, and then finally succumbed to another fever in 1553 (possibly tuberculosis) that killed him at age 15 after a grand total of 6 years and 159 days on the throne.  And those 6 years and 159 days weren’t exactly filled with great achievements either. For one, he never really got to rule on his own because he never reached the age of majority. His reign was marked by economic problems and social unrest that, in 1549, erupted into open riots and rebellion. He was also involved in “the Rough Wooing,” an awesomely named mini-war between England and Scotland where England kept doing douchey things to Scotland in an attempt to force a marriage alliance between Edward and the infant Mary, Queen of Scots. And the final gift of his terrible reign was a succession crisis that would lead to the beheading of 16 year old girl. Fun!


Pretty much just Ted Bundy with a crown
29. Henry VIII


When this ruthless, obese, gout-ridden, serial-killing, ginger sociopath wasn’t too busy executing his wives, he spent his free time executing his closest advisors and friends when they didn’t agree with him.  Imagine if a petulant, tantrum-throwing little bitch like Robin Arryn grew up and was made king and you’ve essentially got Henry VIII. While other Protestant churches have some inspiring story about divine inspiration to separate them from the dogma of the Catholic Church, the whole basis for the Anglican Church is pretty much, “Well, Henry wanted to bang a younger girl and the Pope said no, so he created a new Church with himself as the head and said yes.” And that was accompanied by the Dissolution of the Monasteries, where essentially every ancient old Church and shrine in the country was destroyed. This makes Henry VIII like the greatest criminal in history to the UNESCO World Heritage Time Police Division, which don’t actually exist (as far as I know). Remember how the Taliban blew up the Buddha statues? Henry VIII did exactly that, but times 625 different monastic sites. So that he could fill his government coffers in order to… I dunno… probably execute some more wives and friends?  And all of his wife swapping was to accomplish the goal of a male heir, something he couldn’t do well as beyond his daughters Mary and Elizabeth he only produced the sickly and doomed Edward VI to succeed him. Yes, it was definitely all those wives’ faults that you were an impotent gouty bitch who couldn’t shoot out Y chromosomes, Henry. And this is why we can never have a ginger King again (sorry Prince Harry, the further you fall down the succession line the better).  Some people who have tried to list England’s greatest kings have actually included Henry VIII in those lists, which is just stupid and wrong. That’s confusing “famous” with “good.” Henry VIII was just an awful human being whose inherent flaws and quest for young booty led to centuries of religious strife.