5. Soccer, Basketball, Tennis, Golf, Boxing, etc.
These are all hugely popular sports. So huge and so popular that they are bigger than the Olympics because people care about them regularly. People typically know who won the last FIFA World Cup, the last Euro, the last Copa, or the last Premier League season. Germany. Portugal. Chile. Leicester. I didn't have to look those up. I knew them. You know what I had to look up? The fact that Mexico won in the last Olympics.
People know who won the NBA Championship or what Tennis or Golf Player won the last big tournament. But do you really remember or care about who won the last Olympic events in these sports four years ago? Not really. Nothing really makes these sports "Olympic-ey" either because you probably care more about other leagues and championships for these sports than you do for the Olympic competition. So I'm not saying they're bad sports, I just don't care about them during the Olympics.
4. Wrestling
It's easy for people to joke about "pro wrestling" being fake, cheesy or scripted. But all you have to do to understand why exactly the WWE and other pro wrestling federations are the way they are is to watch about two minutes of wrestling during the Summer Olympics. If you've lasted that long without dying of boredom or changing the channel, then you too will be praying for Stone Cold Steve Austin to run in and start giving everyone the goddamn stunner. The WCW at its absolute worst (think David Arquette) was still vastly more interesting than watching two people from former Soviet Republics hold hands, hug, and mount each other. That's not a sport, that's a description of the typical escalation of physical contact that occurs between a first, second and third date.
3. Rhythmic Gymnastics
From what I gather from a Google Image Search, this "sport" is just someone dancing around with ribbons and hula hoops. I couldn't really say anymore because I don't even think NBC's 6th string cable channels actually televise this, so I've never actually seen it. Chances are you haven't either, and if it wasn't in the next Olympics you wouldn't even notice.
2. Synchronized Swimming
As seen in the list of the best Summer Olympics sports, taking already good concepts and putting them in a pool means you make something good even better. But if you take a turd and throw it in a pool, it's still just a turd in a pool and now you have to change the water (given the green water in Rio, it would be a good idea to just change it anyway).
In this "sport" (again in quotation marks) hideous monstrosities who look like they're wearing makeup from a German Expressionist silent film do stupid things in a pool in unison. And their already horrifying faces are made even more haunting by those hideous clips they wear on their nose. Personally, if I was in the water and I saw something swim up to me with a face that looked like a murderous Noh Theater mask, I would probably just try to drown it rather than score it and send it to an international competition.
1. Equestrian
You know how the Olympics is supposed to be about the best men and women athletes across the world, putting aside political differences and warfare and joining together in the spirit of mankind once every few years? Notice how I said "men," "women" and "spirit of mankind," and didn't include "animals" or "horsekind" anywhere in that description?
Because seriously, forget sports involving prancing horses. Why should the Olympics be judging horses instead of people? And I know there is an argument that the judging is really about the people because it's about how the people trained their horses - but that's just silly and pedantic. And if we're going to devolve the Olympics to have animal sports, or specifically horse sports, then Equestrian isn't even the best one you could include. Why not Horse Racing? Even Polo would be better. Other than this stupid equestrian competition, the only other time I can think of when animals were used in a Summer Olympic sport was at Paris in 1900... in shooting. Yeah, they used to shoot pigeons in the Olympics. Isn't that crazy that back 116 years ago we were so primitive that we'd kill animals for the Olympic games? Oh wait...
These are all hugely popular sports. So huge and so popular that they are bigger than the Olympics because people care about them regularly. People typically know who won the last FIFA World Cup, the last Euro, the last Copa, or the last Premier League season. Germany. Portugal. Chile. Leicester. I didn't have to look those up. I knew them. You know what I had to look up? The fact that Mexico won in the last Olympics.
People know who won the NBA Championship or what Tennis or Golf Player won the last big tournament. But do you really remember or care about who won the last Olympic events in these sports four years ago? Not really. Nothing really makes these sports "Olympic-ey" either because you probably care more about other leagues and championships for these sports than you do for the Olympic competition. So I'm not saying they're bad sports, I just don't care about them during the Olympics.
4. Wrestling
It's easy for people to joke about "pro wrestling" being fake, cheesy or scripted. But all you have to do to understand why exactly the WWE and other pro wrestling federations are the way they are is to watch about two minutes of wrestling during the Summer Olympics. If you've lasted that long without dying of boredom or changing the channel, then you too will be praying for Stone Cold Steve Austin to run in and start giving everyone the goddamn stunner. The WCW at its absolute worst (think David Arquette) was still vastly more interesting than watching two people from former Soviet Republics hold hands, hug, and mount each other. That's not a sport, that's a description of the typical escalation of physical contact that occurs between a first, second and third date. 3. Rhythmic Gymnastics
From what I gather from a Google Image Search, this "sport" is just someone dancing around with ribbons and hula hoops. I couldn't really say anymore because I don't even think NBC's 6th string cable channels actually televise this, so I've never actually seen it. Chances are you haven't either, and if it wasn't in the next Olympics you wouldn't even notice.
2. Synchronized Swimming
As seen in the list of the best Summer Olympics sports, taking already good concepts and putting them in a pool means you make something good even better. But if you take a turd and throw it in a pool, it's still just a turd in a pool and now you have to change the water (given the green water in Rio, it would be a good idea to just change it anyway).In this "sport" (again in quotation marks) hideous monstrosities who look like they're wearing makeup from a German Expressionist silent film do stupid things in a pool in unison. And their already horrifying faces are made even more haunting by those hideous clips they wear on their nose. Personally, if I was in the water and I saw something swim up to me with a face that looked like a murderous Noh Theater mask, I would probably just try to drown it rather than score it and send it to an international competition.
1. Equestrian
You know how the Olympics is supposed to be about the best men and women athletes across the world, putting aside political differences and warfare and joining together in the spirit of mankind once every few years? Notice how I said "men," "women" and "spirit of mankind," and didn't include "animals" or "horsekind" anywhere in that description?
Because seriously, forget sports involving prancing horses. Why should the Olympics be judging horses instead of people? And I know there is an argument that the judging is really about the people because it's about how the people trained their horses - but that's just silly and pedantic. And if we're going to devolve the Olympics to have animal sports, or specifically horse sports, then Equestrian isn't even the best one you could include. Why not Horse Racing? Even Polo would be better. Other than this stupid equestrian competition, the only other time I can think of when animals were used in a Summer Olympic sport was at Paris in 1900... in shooting. Yeah, they used to shoot pigeons in the Olympics. Isn't that crazy that back 116 years ago we were so primitive that we'd kill animals for the Olympic games? Oh wait...
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| Rest in Peace, Juma. They can't hurt you any more. |
Says the person who has never participated in sports...ever!
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