Ed Ranks the Top 10 Grunge Bands

Get ready for controversy!

10. Hole

I believe everything I needed to say about Courtney Love has already been said. 

9. Temple of the Dog

Embarrassing 1991 Yearbook Photo

A super group that is half Soundgarden and half Pearl Jam could have been the most amazing thing. And it was. But just for one song. How many Temple of the Dog songs do you know other than "Hunger Strike?" None, that's how many. And even though that's a great song think about how simple it is. It's pretty much just twelve lines repeated a few times. Which barely makes it more complicated than a Kiss song.

8. Toadies 

People keep trying to find reasons to claim that Toadies wasn't "grunge." Mainly, they focus on the fact that the Toadies were from "the South" (Texas, specifically) and therefore couldn't be grunge because they weren't part of "the scene" (Seattle and the surrounding area).  Most of these grunge deniers will admit that Toadies "sound like grunge" or is "grungy" alternative rock. Hey, you know what "grungy" alternative rock is called? Grunge. Everyone should have a copy of "Possum Kingdom" downloaded to their music playing device of their choice. 

7. Mudhoney

Look, there would be no grunge without the "Superfuzz Bigmuff" album. Mudhoney is the father of grunge. Every other band here is derivative of Mudhoney. They deserve to be ranked this high for no other reason than that. But you can't honestly tell me that "Touch Me I'm Sick" or any other song by them was bigger or better than the songs from these other bands that you have actually heard. Being played on college radio stations can only get you so far.

6. Smashing Pumpkins

I didn't really like Smashing Pumpkins in the 90's, but then again I was also a kid and an idiot. "1979," "Bullet with Butterfly Wings," "Tonight, Tonight," "Disarm," "Today," and so many other songs will be played on radio from now until the end of time. Let's not discuss their association with that awful Batman movie though. We can pretend that never happened. Look, every band needs that low point or else the VH1 Behind the Music special about them won't be interesting. Is that still a thing? Does VH1 even still exist or did it vanish like 8 years ago after its 40th Flavor Flav dating spinoff show?

5. Pearl Jam

The most 90's picture ever. Almost.

These guys kept the strobe light industry in business for the entire 90's with their music videos. Who knows how many epileptic seizures Pearl Jam caused? Probably not as many as Pokémon, but I digress. A little foaming at the mouth and uncontrolled jerking is totally worth it for the "Ten" album. This is one of the greatest albums of all time. Most band's greatest hits albums can't even compare to "Ten." But just think how forgettable (and unfortunate) Pearl Jam could have been if they kept their original name - Mookie Blaylock. Although, I guess if they had gone that way and had been successful anyway then my complete set of 1990-1991 NBA Hoops trading cards would have doubled in value (from like $8 to $16). Assuming it hasn't been eaten by silverfish in my dad's attic. No other album after "Ten" was quite as good though and hearing their cover of "Last Kiss" come on is a guaranteed way to get me to change the radio station.

4. Soundgarden

Soundgarden is fantastic. Like Mudhoney, they were seminal in the creation and sound of grunge. Unlike Mudhoney they were actually good enough to push the genre over the edge to become mainstream music that everyone knew about and enjoyed (sorry hipsters, "mainstream" here isn't actually an insult). "Badmotorfinger" and "Superunknown" are almost up there with Pearl Jam's "Ten." Almost. Soundgarden has been more consistently good across multiple albums than Pearl Jam though, and for that reason they rank higher. Oh, and also because Chris Cornell has, like, the greatest damn voice ever.

3. Alice in Chains

Ugh, even the album cover is depressing. Poor doggy.

Here we are, the top three. You'll likely notice an emerging pattern as we go on. R.I.P. Layne Staley. Just think about how many great songs were on "Dirt," "Jar of Flies" and the eponymous "Alice in Chains." They inlclude "Would?", "Rooster", "Them Bones", "Angry Chair", "Down in a Hole", "No Excuses", "I Stay Away", "Don't Follow," "Grind", "Again", "Over Now", and "Heaven Beside You." Did any of these songs not chart?  And AiC's "Unplugged" is the greatest of all Unplugged albums. No matter what mood I'm in, when an Alice in Chains song pops up on the shuffle on my iPhone my mood immediately changes... to depressed. Sometimes I just listen to "Down in a Hole" twelve times in a row and cry while rocking back and forth, riddled with self-doubt and thinking about the meaningless of life. Fun!

2. Nirvana

WHAT?! NIRVANA IS #2. HOW DARE I? Yes, here it is people. I'm saying it. Nirvana isn't the best grunge band. It's not. I'm sorry. Start up your own blog where you rank things if you disagree. Look, I don't need to explain to you Nirvana's discography or go on at length about how they changed music forever. Everybody knows this. "The Beatles of their generation," yada yada yada. R.I.P. Kurt Cobain and all. Yes, Nirvana was fantastic. "Nevermind" was fantastic.


1. Stone Temple Pilots

Someone cooking up a #1 rock chart hit.

So what is my pattern here? Lead singers who died? (R.I.P. Scott Weiland). Well sort of, but really what I'm trying to get at is heroin. Lots and lots of heroin. I'm not going to say heroin is a good thing, but it did make some great music. STP is a fine example of that. Whenever Weiland was clean you got horrible, upbeat bullshit like all that stuff from "Tiny Music... Songs from the Vatican Gift Shop."
You know what you get when he's full of heroin? "Sex Type Thing", "Plush", "Creep", "Wicked Garden", "Big Empty", "Interstate Love Song", and "Vasoline." It's just kind of a tragic side effect of heroin creating great music that the lead singer happens to, you know, also die. Doing heroin makes people angsty, filthy, trapped, apathetic, and full of social alienation. Which is pretty much the definition of grunge music. It goes without saying that the greatest grunge bangs are also the most heroiney ones. So how am I saying that STP is better than Nirvana? Okay, well let's first start off with just how briefly Nirvana actually lasted. The brightest stars burn out faster? Sure, okay. It's a miracle Weiland lasted as long as he did. But Nirvana essentially had three good years, and that was it. STP kicked ass for much longer. Don't hate on me for saying this--but Scott Weiland is simply a better singer. I honestly can't understand half the shit that Kurt was mumbling. Oh, he was saying "All in all is all we are?" How was I supposed to know? For all I know it was just some random groaning while having a seizure (after watching a Pearl Jam video, I assume). The KissThisGuy webpage for Nirvana must be second in length only to Bob Dylan's mumbly ass. Look, STP was simply the best. I can't even think of a better band than STP. Maybe other than Guns N' Roses. Geez, wouldn't it have been awesome if STP and Guns N' Roses could have combined or something? Oh wait, THAT HAPPENED. And then it ended because (of course) heroin. 

Ed Ranks the Top 15 Sesame Street Muppets

There are a lot more than 15 Sesame Street Muppets. I'm not going to rank all of them. That list would be crazy long and does anyone actually care about The Amazing Mumford? Do you even know who that is? You know, the "À la peanut butter sandwiches" guy. No?  Do you care about the fact that Oscar the Grouch used to have a guy named Bruno the Trashman who carried him around so that he could be mobile in scenes when necessary? Well, even if you do care... I don't think he's top 15. Nor is Barkley the Dog, nor any of those Three Bears characters from Goldilocks.

Please note that I have indeed realized that the list I have created lacks female Sesame Street Muppets. Does that mean I am inherently sexist? I hope not. But honestly, Abby Cadabby, Zoe, Prarie Dawn, and Rosita are pretty lame. What do they ever do that is interesting? Nothing, that's what. I wouldn't rank any of them above even Placido Flamingo the opera-singing phoenicopteridae.

15. Elmo

I hate Elmo so much. He's super annoying. But I can't leave him off the list because he's one of the most famous Sesame Street Muppets there is. Just awful though. This is like the Jar Jar Binks of Sesame Street. And that whole saying "me" instead of "I" thing is just stolen from the far superior Cookie Monster.

14. Guy Smiley

I'm not sure if they still use this cheesy-ass game show host character, but they should. It seems to me that the 2000's revival of all these terrible game shows would have made him relevant again. He is honestly a B-Team Muppet though.

13. Mr. Johnson

You might not recognize Mr. Johnson by name, but if you saw him you'd be like, "Oh yeah, that guy." He's the blue bald one with the mustache. Most famously seen getting his dinner plans completely ruined by Grover every damn time. You'd think he'd just go to a different restaurant or walk out as soon as he sees his waiter.

12. Big Bird

This guy's honestly pretty annoying too. It's the whole "childlike innocence" thing. It didn't even take him the duration of the "Mr. Hooper is dead" episode to forget Mr. Hooper's name. Big Bird needs a gritty reboot to make him interesting. Get Chris Nolan on this.

11. Telly Monster

This girl was never seen again.

Telly is so damn weird and neurotic. You know how when the cops catch a serial killer the local news goes around the neighborhood interviewing all the people who are like, "He was such a great guy, I would have never guessed in a million years!" Well Telly is the exact opposite of that. If Telly was arrested and Kermit the Frog did a Sesame Street News Flash where he interviewed the people in the neighborhood, then I bet that they would all be like, "Yeah, obviously he killed hookers. Telly was fucking weird."  Wonder why you haven't seen Roosevelt Franklin since the 70s? Because he's probably buried in Telly's basement.

10. Mr. Snuffleupagus

Snuffy was a lot cooler when he was just Big Bird's imaginary friend. It was kind of a cool "Calvin and Hobbes" or "That Janitor from Scrubs" vibe when you didn't know if
Snuffy was real or just a projection of an insane person. They held up the premise for like 17 seasons before they just got lazy and decided that other people could see Snuffy. Those eyelashes tho. Bitch looks like Dame Edna.

9. Ernie

Bert and Ernie are obviously just an Odd Couple parody, and Ernie was the "fun, free spirited" one. I liked Ernie a lot more than Bert when I was young, since Bert always seemed to have a damn stick up his ass. No, I am not implying anything sexual about that. Let's cut right to the chase, people - Bert and Ernie are not gay. They are just kids who live together. Stop trying to filthy my children's shows with unnecessary sexualization. Unless its Johnny Bravo. It was fine there. To be continued when I talk about Bert.

8. Two-Headed Monster

Two-Headed Monster doesn't even really get a name, which is unfortunate because how cool he is. Or is it, "how cool they are?" This Monster looks just like Telly, but times two glued together. Fortunately his/their personality is nothing like Telly - as the Two-Headed Monster is a horned, gibberish-speaking, grunting purple beast that teaches everyone about the importance of cooperation. I've always sort of imagined a Two-Headed Monster as a pair of vikings transported 800 years into the future and trying desperately to figure out modern technology. Once they finally figure it all out, they're going to pillage and loot the hell out of Sesame Street.

Questionable style in shirts.

7. Bert

As I stated above, I liked Ernie more when I was a kid. But as I grow older I appreciate Bert more and more. I am definitely a Bert in life and not an Ernie. Forget that gregarious, fun-loving, practical joking nonsense and singing about rubber duckies in a bathtub. I'd much rather be the serious and studious Bert who actually tries to get things done and spends on my time with my pets, who are the only things that truly love me. Bert either loses his cool and gets furious when Ernie is being a jackass, or he simply sighs heavily and resigns himself to it all.  If I had Ernie as a roommate, I just might have to kill him. Which I suppose makes me more of a Telly than a Bert, but you get what I'm saying.


6. Count Von Count

This vampire (how did he not burn up in the sun when he was on that coconut island with Harry Belafonte?) really loves counting things. Bats. Telephone rings. Floors on buildings. The credits in Follow That Bird. Antonio Cromartie's children. Pretty much anything. What this Immortal, Undead, Romanian Pimp should really be doing is counting his girlfriends. Over the course of Sesame Street he's been with something like a half dozen different Countesses.

5. Oscar the Grouch

Oscar's mission in life is to be as miserable and grouchy as possible, and to pass that feeling on to everyone else so that their days are ruined too. If I can relate to any Sesame Street Muppet more than I relate to Bert - then it has to be Oscar. He pretty much hates everyone else. Except Slimey the Worm. I'd say it's bad that he's a hobo that lives in a garbage can, but he seems to enjoy it very much so just let him do what he wants.

4.  Yip Yips



The Yip Yips (aka Martians) go "yip yip" and try to figure out things about Earth because they're Martian. They are totally awesome, which is why I'm ranking them way above many of the much more famous Muppets. Although, they seem pretty innocent and cute, you know they have to be setting up some sort of bridgehead for a Martian invasion to conquer Earth. "Destroy All Humans? Yipyipyipyip!"

3. Kermit

Everyone knows Kermit is great and he's the greatest Muppet. But he's not necessarily the greatest "Sesame Street" Muppet. Kermit is bigger than Sesame Street and did is own things with all the Muppet movies and Muppets Tonight. There is a divide between those "regular" Muppets and the Sesame Street ones - with the exception of Kermit, who easily crossed-over. While the rest of the Sesame Street Muppets are all the intellectual property of the Sesame Workshop (formerly Children's Television Workshop), Kermit is not (he's owned by Disney). While Kermit's News Flashes into fairy tales and nursery rhymes are some of his most memorable appearances, he's had a lot of roles on the show including some top notch songs (the famous "Bein' Green," and the less-famous but still awesome "Caribbean Amphibian").

2. Cookie Monster

Cookie Monster is the id in us all with no self control. His insatiable appetite cannot be quenched. Cookie Monster is great. Those wonky googly eyes (especially when it's one eye that bounces around while the other is still) still remain hilarious to this day. As is his continued inability to master basic grammar ("me" & "I"). And me am... I mean I'm fairly sure we have him to thank for "NOM NOM NOM NOM." And let's not forget "Alistair Cookie" for the eight children who actually got that joke (the Sesame Street and Masterpiece Theater audiences were slightly different). It's a bit strange that Cookie Monster, in his Alistair guise, was smart enough to use words like "digress" and "esoteric" while still not knowing first person singular. However, its also unfortunate that in recent years with political correctness they've had Cookie Monster do stuff like promote eating healthy foods. That's just nonsense there.

1. Grover 

Near.

Grover is the best! From all of the Charlie's Restaurant sketches where he destroys Mr. Johnson's life... all the way to Super Grover where he's an, uhh, somewhat lackluster super hero who just crashes into things and wastes time until the person in distress figures out how to solve the problem on their own. Remember how Grover thought he was Kermit's best friend and would shout stuff like "Hey Froggy Babyyyyyy!" to him while slapping him on the back? I'm pretty sure Kermit could not stand him at all.  The Monster at the End of This Book is probably the greatest piece of literature of the 20th Century (sorry James Joyce). As a child, the plot twist at the end was incredible. It's better than any plot twist M. Night ShamaLamaDingDong could ever think of. Plus I would have never learned the difference between near and far without Grover.

Ed Ranks Countries by Food

Remember when I did Ed Ranks Countries by Beer? Yeah, that was awesome.  I did that before food because beer is much more important than food. But I guess you need food to survive or something, so I might as well rank that as well, huh? Sure! Why not!

10.  Lebanon

It's a little unfair to call this one just "Lebanon," but that's what I'm doing. A more accurate description would be "Levantine cuisine," referring to the food of the entire eastern Mediterranean including Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Palestine, Syria, southern Turkey, and (arguably, to some degree) Cyprus. This is all the delicious meze and related foods you might have consumed - including (but not limited to) tabbouleh, hummus, baba ghanoush, dolma, kebabs, kibbeh, shawarma. It's all amazing.

9.  China

Cha siu bao are better than life itself.

I'm not talking about American "Chinese food," but the actual real stuff. I'm not saying that everything there is fantastic. China is a large country with geographically and ethnically diverse foods. Quite frankly, some of their food is terrible. A lot of it is amazing though. Especially dim sum. I'm salivating now just thinking about dim sum. Well, now I know what I have to do for Chinese New Year.

 8. France

French food is legendary, but to a large degree its the French methods that are famed around the world. Although to a large degree, both the food itself and the methods are inspired by the Italians (but the French probably won't admit it). Cheese, wine, French onion soup (or as they call in in France, "onion soup"), pâtisseries, coq a vin, the list goes on. Not croissants though. Croissants are Austrian. Sorry to ruin everything you thought you knew with that revelation.

 7.  Korea

Yes, I'm saying Korean food is better than French food. You got a problem with that? I'll eat a bibimbap bowl over a pot-au-feu any day of the week. Do I like kimchi? Sure! Do I want to have it with every meal while I'm in Korea? Not particularly, but they give it to me every meal anyway.
 
6.  Greece

Honestly, Greek food isn't that much different from a number of other Mediterranean cuisines. But it's good. Great seafood. Olives and/or olive oil in everything. Tasty lamb. Stuffed grape leaves. Spanakopita. Filo dough surrounding everything. So good! I'm actually not particularly in love with feta though. I mean, it's okay.

 5. Japan

Japan soars to this high from Sushi alone. As for some of the other weird crap they eat, it's best not to think about it too hard.

 4.  Thailand

Note the green plastic chair. This is street food, people. STREET FOOD!

Thai food is amazing if you like spice. Which you should, or I don't treat your food palette with any seriousness at all. Such a wide variety of amazing dishes. Like Greece - these people know how to do seafood. Tom yum, for starters. But they also do everything else really well. Even if you just pick up food from a street cart in Thailand, it will likely be better than any meal you've ever had at an Applebees. And those sauces! Hey, speaking of amazing spicy food in good sauces...

 3.  India

Indian food is incredible. I could absolutely become a vegetarian if I had to (although I don't want to) because of Indian food. I don't understand why all vegetarians just don't eat Indian food all the time. It's almost worth asking for a vegetarian meal on an airplane just because it ups your chance of getting a curry.  How do they make their food taste so amazing? Why does everyone else making vegetarian food try to make hideous tofu chicken fingers rather than just using natural spices and ingredients like they do in India? Who can go back to eating shitty creamed spinach again after having a palak paneer?

 2.  Italy

As much as I love Indian and Thai and many of those other food listed previously - if I was told I could only have one type of cuisine for the rest of my life, it would be down to these last two. Italian food just barely loses out. Hey Italian food, I'm sorry. You shouldn't take it as a loss. You're so amazing! Pizza! Pasta! Prosciutto! That amazing cheese! Mozzarella is the best cheese in the world, by far. It almost makes up for that disgusting ricotta shit that you also call "cheese." Ricotta is like real cheese that's ground into little bits and mixed with water from a washing machine after cleaning an entire load of socks from the workers of a construction site. Ricotta is really the only reason Italian food is #2.

 1. Mexico

The king of food.

As alluded to above, if I was told that I could only stick to one type of cuisine for the rest of my life and couldn't have anything else - I'd pick Mexican. And no, just like with American "Chinese" food I'm not thinking of Tex Mex. Mexican food comes from a rich mixture of Mesoamerican cuisine and traditions blended with European (especially Spanish, obviously) techniques and ingredients. It's incredible. Like many of the others I've mentioned above there are diverse regions with completely different foods and in none of those regions are there any foods called "Crunchwrap Supreme." Northern Mexico has the food most Americans and others around the world would find familiar, but you also have the amazing food of Oaxaca, Yucatan, Veracruz and so on. Corn, tomatoes, avocados, chili peppers - these things are all native to the New World and are staples of Mexican cuisines. I mean just think of something as incredible and complex as Mole sauce - and how the rest of the world took that complexity and dumbed it down into "durr, let's just add milk and sugar to this 'chocolate' ingredient until we get a sweet bar with the texture of wax." And Mexico is also the only country in the Western Hemisphere that figured out how to make amazing street food like in Asian cuisine. Who the hell needs a fast food joint like McDonalds when you can pick up tacos al pastor from a cart for, like, practically nothing. It's hard to find the real/authentic Mexican food experience outside of Mexico though - which is problematic what with the rampant beheading and all.

Ed Ranks 38 Punchlines to "I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Women..."

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Ed Ranks 15 Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy theories are usually terrible. And the US government is usually behind them, at least according to conspiracy theorists. I work for the US government and conspiracy theorists greatly overestimate the ineptitude of the US government. Trust me, if the US government had actually tried to pull off any of these events themselves - they would have bungled them up so bad and got them caught in so much red tape and bureaucracy that they'd never get off the ground. So let's rank them.  Not by how likely or unlikely they are to be true, but just by how I arbitrarily feel about them. I mean some of these are crazy epic! I mean can you believe some of this stuff?! Like the CIA being involved in drug trafficking or giving Black people syphilis ? Hahaha! What fantasies! Wait... what? Those ones are true?

15. The Holocaust Never Happened - This one is horrific and demonstrably untrue. Only the crazy most batshit racist person could believe in this. It's a good thing nobody like that could rise to gain political power in this country, or else we'd all be in trouble. 

14. 9/11 Was an Inside Job - This one goes directly to the point I was trying to state above. No way the US government could pull off something like this. Way too much red tape. They'd take the lowest bidder for contracts who would fail at their job. Then all the paperwork planning it would be leaked on Wikileaks.

13. Vaccinations Cause Autism - Says only stupid people.

Inside this vehicle: water, bandages, death chamber.

12. FEMA Camps are Killing People (or are being set up to eventually kill people) - FEMA can't even fake a news conference without getting caught, let alone run an organized genocide machine. Hrmmm... Organized Genocide Machine. Band name?

11.  Water Fluoridation Causes Socialism - I'm not even sure how this is supposed to work.

10. The Clintons' Body Count- Apparently the Clinton's are killing machines who just take out anyone who anger them or get in the way of their evil machinations. You know, except for all those people who they didn't kill and who totally did get the upper hand on them at times. Do we really think Bill Clinton could lie that well about not being a serial killer if he can't even lie that well about getting a BJ from an intern?

9. Chemtrails - When the warm water from jet engine exhaust mixes with the cold air at high altitudes, it forms condensation in the form of a straight cirrus cloud emanating from the jet. These are not chemical trails (well, technically H20 is a chemical). These do not control your brain. They do not decrease fertility. They do not cause cancer. Delta Airlines has a hard enough time not losing a bag it sticks in an airplane, let alone has the bandwidth to worry about controlling your thought. What would Delta want you to think about anyway if they could control your thought? Maybe they'd just want you to forget all the times they lost your luggage.

8. The Cure to Cancer Had Been Found and is Being Suppressed - So that companies can make more money selling "treatments" rather than the cure. Nope. That's stupid.

7. Subliminal Messages Control Our Minds - Most of our conversations about subliminal messages these days are based on the concepts that there are these "hidden" things in advertisements and the media that we don't realize we see, but cause us to buy products or effect our subconscious in ways to control our minds. This entire concept is based on studies done by James Vicary in the 1950s.  The Vicary studies were proven decades ago to be fake, and yet the concept still lingers on. I'm not saying that "subliminal messages" aren't included in media. I'm just saying that there is no evidence that it actually works or does anything.

6. Climate Change is a Hoax - Man, getting like almost every single atmospheric scientist in the world to agree together as part of a hoax for no particular reason at all sure takes a lot of effort. More effort than it seems worth considering the profit that the scientists will get from this conspiracy, if the planet isn't really being destroyed by mankind, would be... uh... nothing?

5. The Government is Hiding Proof of Alien Contact - The universe is infinitely big, so I'm sure they're out there somewhere. But it seems so damn hard to travel across the stars. I'd think if they'd have actually shown up already then it would have been in a big way rather than abducting rednecks on farms and leaving behind crop circles. When they do come they'll probably just treat us like mankind treats other species of animals anyway, so I'm not sure why we want contact so bad anyway.

Look. A magical straight line. So magical.

4. The JFK Assassination - Dozens of people have tried to recreate the conditions of the "magic" bullet that somehow traversed 15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and approximately 15 inches of tissue, struck a necktie knot, removed 4 inches of rib, and shattered a radius bone. Seems totally impossible, right? It would have to make all kinds of crazy twists and turns! Hence the "magic" part of "magic bullet." It seems much easier to just say LBJ or Castro or the Russians or the CIA or the Mafia or some people in New Orleans killed the President for some reason. Never mind those efforts to scientifically re-create the conditions of the magic bullet have resulted in... well... showing that it's actually completely plausible and the path taken by the bullet would have been a straight line.

3. The Moon Landing was Faked - Why? Just to get one up on the Russians? Why didn't we fake putting up a satellite before the Russians got up Sputnik? Why wouldn't we have gotten a better actor than Neil Armstrong? "One Small Step for Man. One Giant Leap for Mankind" is stupid. "Man" and "Mankind" in these sentences are synonyms. He should have said "One Small Step for a Man."  If this was scripted... why couldn't NASA get a better script writer? Why are all these scientists again getting involved in a conspiracy for no good reason? And why didn't we just tell everyone that the moon was made of gold and that America was rich now? Seems like that's what we should have done if we really wanted to sock it to the balls of those commies.

2. The New World Order - I like this conspiracy theory because it's sort of a catch-all conspiracy theory. Some big "new world order" (it could be the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Catholic Church, the Bilderberg Group, Cobra Command, etc) really controls the world and is pulling all the strings.
They could be the ones in charge of all these other conspiracies! When you buy this conspiracy, you get every other conspiracy for free! Just pay extra shipping and handling.

1. Courtney Love Killed Kurt Cobain - This one is probably true. Who would quote a terrible Neil Young song in a real suicide note?

On second thought, maybe anyone with such poor choices in sweaters would want to kill themselves. 

Ed Ranks Chokes More Epic than the Falcons in Super Bowl LI

0. - Sorry, there are none.

Ed Ranks Things His Fellow White People Should Avoid Doing this Black History Month

10. The "Dougie"

Dabbin' is also banned. Just don't.

We White people are generally 1-6 years behind with understanding what's "cool." Now that it's 2017 it's right about time for White people to start doing the Dougie like it's cool. Remember how White people thought Miley Cyrus just invented twerking the other year? Just go do White things instead. Like, I dunno, playing water polo or naming your children "Apple." 

9.  Watch any Tyler Perry movies

In fairness, Black people shouldn't do this either. Tyler Perry movies are terrible. If you like them you have poor taste. I'm sorry, that's just a fact.

8. Bring up the fact that it's the shortest month

Whether you're mentioning this to fellow White people in a joking manner or whether you're mentioning it apologetically to a Black person like you're deeply sympathizing with their struggle and the unfairness of it all... nobody cares. This is old news. We all figured out February was the shortest month a long time ago.

7. Do a Black History Month report on an athlete

The one exception to this rule.
Of course you can do a Jackie Robinson report.

So you're a White kid in school and you've been assigned by your teacher to do a report on a famous African American for Black History Month. Who will you choose? So many great options! Will you pick MLK? Barack Obama? Booker T Washington? George Washington Carver?  Frederick Douglas? Langston Hughes? No, of course you won't, you stupid White kid. You're immediately going to pick someone like Michael Jordan or, more likely, whoever the current star athlete for your favorite team is.  Because you don't value the fact that African American surgeon Daniel Hale Williams was the first human to ever perform successful open heart surgery more than the fact that Le'Veon Bell threw up 4.9 yards per rush this season.

6.  ...Or a Rapper

Okay Skylar, the same goes for doing a report on Jay Z.

5 ...Or talk excitedly to Black people about how much you love that Athlete/Rapper

Yeah, Black people don't need us to run up to them and let them know how much we're influenced by and/or love the brilliant work done by some entertainer who is Black.  Black people don't feel compelled to run up to their White friends to tell them how much they respect Tom Hanks. And you know Black people love Tom Hanks too. Everybody fucking loves Tom Hanks.

4. Say, "I don't see color"

I really hope you see something here.

What? Really? Then it sounds like you might have an inherited ocular disorder characterized by the loss of cone cells (the photoreceptors responsible for both central and color vision). This could be a major problem for you, especially if you have a more severe case of monochromacy (AKA "total color blindness"), the lack of any ability to distinguish colors as if you were watching the old TV at your grandma's house. Hopefully it's more like a dichromacy where only one of the three basic color mechanisms is absent or not functioning properly. I gotta admit that the prognostics on this one are pretty bleak for you. There is no treatment for cone dystrophy, although certain supplements like beta-carotenoids may help in delaying the progression of your disease.

3. Start any statement with, "I don't want to sound racist, but..."

These words are always followed by something exceedingly racist. So you obviously do want to sound racist.

2.  Talk about how racism is over because [X]

Ah, the old "post-racial society!" Guess we don't even need a Black History Month anymore since we had a Black president and finally started to give a couple of Academy Award nominations to "Black films."  I'm so glad we can finally all put that terrible history aside and move on with our lives now that everything is perfect.

1. Ask "But why isn't there a White History Month?"

Seriously just don't do this unless you want to be punched like that Neo-Nazi asshole at the Trump inauguration.