Ed Ranks Justice League International Members

Party like it's 1987.

The Justice League has always been a big title for DC Comics, and is famous for putting together super famous superheros like Batman, Wonder Woman, Superman, etc.  However, in the late 1980s, DC comics decided to use the major name recognition of the Justice League comic, and fill it up with a B-team of less famous and less notable heroes. It also took a ludicrous and slapstick tone, involving mad hijinks and bonkers stories.

This means that it is the BEST Justice League. Screw all the others.

As a basic rule of thumb, if the stories are by Keith Giffen and J. M. DeMatteis - they are JLI. 

The Justice League "International" era began with Justice League #1 (May 1987), and only got technically renamed to Justice League International with Issue #7, and was re-re-named to Justice League America with Issue #26 (the team split and also formed the spin-off Justice League Europe). Although the title Justice League America would run all the way until Issue #113 in 1996, the hilarious slapstick tone ended with Issue #60 (when Giffen and DeMatteis left), and thus ended the "JLI" era.

Here are the JLI Members introduced between issues #1 and #60, ranked. Batman, Black Canary and Martian Manhunter are not included because, even though they were Members for part of the JLI run, their participation in the Justice League pre-dated the JLI era.

Honorable Mention: Maxwell Lord

40 illogical plot twists eventually leads to Blamm.

This guy only sort of counts, I think. But not really. Was he an actual Justice League "Member?"  Max Lord was a slick 1980's businessman who helped to put together the new, rebooted JLI. He got the UN to officially recognize the Justice League and to act on its behalf as an international peacekeeping force. But he wasn't a superhero himself, more of amoral (but not evil businessman pushing his own interests, in a slapstick sort of fun-loving way. During the Giffen and DeMatteis era, his character went through some crazy plot twists, with first it being revealed that Lord was under the control of  an evil computer program and that the true reason for creating the JLI was to help conquor the world. Who exactly controlled that computer program itself was rebooted.  After that in another story he received alien mind-reading and mild-controlling powers that may or pay not have been latent in him. But then he develops a brain tumor and dies, only to be replaced by an evil robot copy. After Giffen and DeMatteis departed, the character went unused for many years, with later writers even him even more inexplicable twists, ignoring the fact that he was an evil robot clone, and revealing that he was truly evil all along and had been plotting for all these years. Yeah, it’s sort of crazy and only gets more convoluted from there. 

18. Tasmanian Devil

The final new Member introduced during the course of the JLI era, he only joined the team in JLI's 16-issue crossover closeout story line "Breakdowns." He suffers from having a much more famous and interesting cartoon already named after him. He's basically like a werewolf, but a Were-Tasmanian-Devil.

17. Lightray

Pretty identical to Orion (see below), as a Jack Kirby Fourth World / New Gods comic character that was just haphazardly added to the JLI. But a lot less famous than Orion.

Yep, this happened.

16. Doctor Fate (Linda Strauss )

There were actually two Doctor Fates in JLI. In issue #31, Doctor Fate becomes a lady and gets on the cover of the issue with a "sexy how does this skintight outfit even work with my insanely exaggerated body shape" pose. Pretty forgettable.

15. Orion

Orion pre-dated the JLI by a lot of years and was already a famous character from the Jack Kirby Fourth World / New Gods comics. Was sort of just thrown in to the JLI and only had a short stint.

14. Hawkman (Fel Andar)

One of several Hawkmans to be part of the Justice League over time, but the only one during the JLI era. Joined the same issue as Hawkgirl and eventually revealed/retconned to be a secret spy/operative/traitor. I guess that's a little interesting, huh?

13. Hawkwoman (Sharon Parker)

There are several iterations of Hawkgirl, and this version was retconned to be Sharon Parker, who joined with Hawkman in JLI #19 before eventually being killed off later. Meh.

12.  Huntress

She kicks ass. Just not necessarily in JLI.

Helena Bertinelli is extremely famous as a Member of the Birds of Prey. She is not so famous for her run in the JLI.

11. General Glory

Was created as a parody of Captain America, as a blast from the past with exaggerated "patriotic values" and a boy sidekick. The "fish out of water" joke was actually pretty funny when he was introduced in January of 1991, and in the Marvel movies of the 2010s they actually sort of steal some of the ideas behind the jokes about Captain America being out of his time from General Glory. Pretty unimportant in the overall run, but funny enough to get ranked above some more familiar names.

10. Doctor Fate (Kent Nelson)

One of two versions of the sorcerer character in JLI, Dr. Fate was originally an archeologist in the 1920s who opened an Ancient Egyptian tomb and got crazy powers. The character dates all the way back to 1940 (although his origin and powers weren't explained at the time). He was extensively used through DC comics before Giffen and DeMatteis got their hands on him, making him a founding Member of the rebooted 1987 lineup. He's alas still pretty boring though.

9. Captain Atom

The original version of Captain Atom was Allen Adam, and goes back to Charlton Comics in 1960. DC Comics eventually bought out Charlton and took a number of the characters, with the Nathanial Adam version being introduced in 1987. He joined in JLI Issue #7, the very issue it was lightly rebooted and given the "International" name.

8.  Captain Marvel

Billy Batson, now more commonly called "Shazam" by DC Comics rather than his original "Captain Marvel" moniker, the the same character who starred in the Shazam movie which just came out in the theaters. The history of the character and legal issues with the name is too convoluted to fully include here - but the basic story is that the character was a generic Superman ripoff in 1939 by Fawcett Comics, abandoned in the 1950s, brought back by DC Comics in the 1970s, and so on. He's a young boy who can turn himself into a superhero by shouting "Shazam!" Surely you've heard of him, right? Giffen and DeMatteis used Captain Marvel as one of their founding members of the rebooted JLI in 1987, with him filling in the goofy do-gooder mom-and-apple-pie role that Superman had previously played. As with other characters like Doctor Fate and Captain Atom, their comedic run in JLI was good, but they are all much more associated with DC Comics stories rather than the JLI ones.

7. Mister Miracle

Scott Free, like Orion and Lightray, was from Jack Kirby's Fourth World comics and was originally more associated with darker storylines involving wars with Darkseid in the 1970s. However, unlike Orion and Lightray, Mister Miracle was an original team member of the JLI and wasn't just pinholed in later. In the humorous JLI reboot of his character, he was depicted living with his family in suburbia life rather than fighting the forces of Apokolips. Which is an awesome high concept of a thing to do.

A non-evil Dr. Light.

6. Doctor Light 

There have been a few Dr. Lights in DC Comics, both villains and heroes. This one is Kimiyo Hoshi, a brilliant Japanese Astronomer who is hit with a beam of space energy and gets photonic (light) powers. Cool. Also a good first step in diversifying lilly-white-ass-and-male comics by having an Asian female join the team. Her "I'm not an American" backstory is another reason why the JLI even existed at all, and she was a founding Member of this newly rebooted global team.

5. Rocket Red (Various)

Technically the "Rocket Reds" are an entire brigade of Russian superheroes who debuted in the "Glasnost" era of history (when the Soviet Union was becoming more open and making peace with the West). Rocket Red was actually one of the reasons why Justice League International ever even became International, as instead of Russian characters being featured as villains in the comics, the stories now featured American and Russian heroes fighting on the same side. There were technically two Rocket Reds in the JLI era. The first one, Rocket Red 7 (Vladimir Mikoyan, who joined Issue #7), was revealed as an evil extraterrestrial robot spy (a Manhunter, not  too dissimilar from the Sentinels in Marvel Comics). He was exposed and destroyed two issues later. The next JLI Rocket Red (Rocked Red 4) was Dimitri Pushkin, who replaced the fake one in JLI Issue #11.

4. Green Lantern (Guy Gardner)

No, not that Green Lantern. Not that Green Latern either. Not even the other one. The Guy Gardner version of Green Lantern may not be the most famous, but he is certainly the most hilarious. He's pretty much a deconstructed archtype of an entitled, jingoistic, douchey American male. Guy Gardner is a character that SCREAMS Justice League International, and will always be associated with the team.

You can read none of this, but whatever.

3. Fire and Ice (Let's just put them together and call it a tie)

Fire (Beatriz da Costa) and Ice (Tora Olafsdotter) joined the JLI in Issue #14. They both predated the JLI and had other names (Green Fury and Green Flame for Fire; Icemaiden for Ice) before being thrown together as the lady-buddy-comedy counterpoint to Blue Beetle and Booster Gold (see below). They are awesome. Fire has fire powers. Ice has ice powers. Are these the most original powersets in comics history? No. But this duo really worked well together. Although both dated male characters during the course of the JLI's run - subtle lesbian tension was the highlight of this duo's relationship in the not-quite-ready-for-this era of the late 80's and early 90's.

2. Blue Beetle

The Ted Kord Blue Beetle was a generic Batman ripoff when he was created by     Charlton Comics in 1966 (itself just a reboot of an even more boring version of Blue Beetle dating back to Fox Comics in 1939). Fortunately, Giffen and DeMatteis knew exactly how to make fake Batman interesting by having almost the entirety of the JLI run be a Ted Kord and Booster Gold buddy comedy about two jokey superheroes saving the day while also being hilariously incompetent and petty. Good stuff. Blue Beetle was a founding member of the new 1987 JLI, which is strange because Batman was also in it too at the same time. He was basically the same character (millionaire playboy inventor with cool gadgets who dresses up as an animal that nobody really cares for) as Bruce Wayne, except Bruce was depicted as a stiff, humorless dorkwad while Ted was a fun-loving weirdo who you could have some beers with.

If Doctor Who was an even bigger douche.

1. Booster Gold

Booster Gold is a time traveling football player from the future who was disgraced for throwing football games. His life a failure, he stole a time machine to go to the past and use his future technology (as well as his knowledge of the future) in order to become a show-boating, glory hound superhero with scrupulous moral values. He is pretty much the greatest comic character ever, and his buddy stories with Blue Beetle define the JLI era. Most people think he was an original JLI Member, although he actually only joined the team in Issue #4.

Ed Ranks Baskin Robbins' Original 31 Flavors

The father of Tim Robbins.

Baskin Robbins opened up in 1945, with a gimmick of having 31 different flavors. These are the original 31 flavoes, ranked. Obviously some of this is guesswork, since I haven't eaten all of these flavors (several were discontinued well before I was born). And don't think that just because something is ranked #1 here means that it's my favorite flavor. There are many post-1945 flavors that are a lot better than these.

31. Black Walnut - Walnuts are disgusting trash.

30. Date Nut - I'm not sure, but I have a pretty strong suspicion that this nut was just more gross Walnut.

29. Banana Nut Fudge - I want to like this but again, the nut probably was Walnut. Not sure though, because this was discontinued before I was born. There is apparently a famous story about crazy-ass Howard Hughes ordering 100 gallons of it when it was discontinued so he could have it for the rest of his life.

28. Egg Nog - If Egg Nog doesn't have alcohol in it, it is useless to me.

27. Peppermint Stick - Not a fan of Peppermint ice cream.

26. Green Mint Stick - How is this any different?

25. Peach - I love peach, but fruit ice creams always taste too icy to me and not creamy enough. I'll, of course, make an exception for Orange Sherbet (see later) and Strawberry.

24. Peppermint Fudge Ribbon - Putting a delicious fudge ribbon in peppermint doesn't make it more appealing to me.

23. Maple Nut - Maple is a fine flavor, but I typically like to keep it away from ice cream.

22. Raspberry Sherbet - See above on fruit. By the way, I was today years old when I learned that this is how "sherbet" is spelled. It just looked wrong. I think I have been writing "sherbert" my entire life. The English language is dumb.

21. Lemon Crisp - Meh.

20. Lemon Sherbet - As above.

19. Lemon Custard - The word "custard" makes this marginally better than the other lemons.

18. Coffee Candy - What exactly is coffee candy? Like those hard candies for old people with a coffee flavor? Nobody likes old people candy except for old people. Just get the regular coffee ice cream and skip this.

This is probably mint chocolate, right?

17. Chocolate Mint - How many damn flavors of mint do they need? I used to like this as a kid and don't hate it or anything. It's just nowhere near the top of the list of things that I'd get.

16. Pineapple Sherbet - A Dole Whip is amazing, but I'm not quite sure that this is the same thing as Dole Whip. I'm going to guess no.

15. Cherry Macaroon - I typically like coconut flavors, but I'm not big on macaroons.

14. Butterscotch Ribbon - I'm okay with Butterscotch. This is never going to be anything more than middle of the pack for me though.

13. Burgundy Cherry - But are these cherries certified to be from Burgundy according to the Geographical indications and traditional specialties within European Union law?

12. Strawberry - I'll get strawberry every once and a while. Not my favorite, but okay. Mix it with Vanilla and Chocolate in Neapolitan and now we're talking.

11. Vanilla - Maybe people take "Vanilla" to mean plain, but it's actually really good on its own. There are better Vanillas than the standard Vanilla though.

10. Chocolate Chip - Pretty classic, right? Top 10 status for sure.

9. Vanilla Burnt Almond - This sounds good. Haven't had it - but it HAS To be good. It has Almonds!

8. Chocolate - "Plain" chocolate goes here, because it will be a forever classic.

7. Orange Sherbet - Good. Especially when swirled with vanilla.

6. Chocolate Fudge - Fudge is already chocolate, so this is just overkill. By the way, overkill is AWESOME.

5. French Vanilla - French Vanilla is better than regular Vanilla because you can see those little specks of actual Vanilla bean in it, and it has that great real Vanilla flavor. Good stuff.

4. Chocolate Ribbon - I approve of this wholeheartedly.

3. Coffee - Coffee-flavored ice cream? Yes please.

2. Chocolate Almond - Chocolate is great. Almonds are great. Together, they are like an unstoppable two-lion Voltron. Or a two-Transformer combiner. A Duocon, if you will. Like Battletrap and Flywheels. Nevermind, those guys sucked so it's a bad analogy.

1. Rocky Road - This one is awesome. Weird Al didn't bother to write any songs about those other ice creams.

This was the pinnacle of ice cream in 1945.

Ed Ranks Roman Units of Liquid Measure

Yeah baby, LET'S MEASURE LIQUID!

I know you're probably thinking about Ancient Roman Units of Liquid Measurement every day. You curse yourself for not knowing which is the best. Let me do it for you.

10. Acetabulum

• Modern Equivalent?  A little bit more than a quarter of a cup (if 2 fl oz, if you're metric).
• Does it Sound Cool? No. It's about one syllable too many to sound cool.
• What does it Mean? The most literal translation is "a little saucer for vinegar," but it can also be translated to mean "bowl," although obviously 1/3 of a cup isn't enough of a "bowl" to fill anyone. If you gave me 1/4 of a cup of cereal in the morning and pretend like that would fill my hunger, I would hit you in the face.
• What does it Sound like it Means? A Harry Potter spell which gives one of their professors diarrhea they can get out of class.
• Analysis: This is sort of a boring measurement. I mean I guess it's practical if you're baking something and you need an acetabulum of sugar mixed in the dough.

9. Quartarius 

• Modern Equivalent? Half a cup.
• Does it Sound Cool? No. The "Quart" part of it makes it pretty obvious and basic. 
• What does it Mean? A quarter (in reference to it being 1/4 of a Sextarius, which is strange, because the unit Sextarius itself refers to being 1/6 of another unit. So it's basically 1/4 of 1/6, which even my poor math skills can deduce is 1/24).
• What does it Sound like it Means? Perhaps it's the full name of "Q" from James Bond.
• Analysis: Like the acetabulum, useful for recipes I guess, but this is overall pretty uninteresting.

Tastes like... ashes?

8. Urna

• Modern Equivalent?  A punch bowl.
• Does it Sound Cool? Nope.
• What does it Mean? A pot. Although it sort of also obviously means "urn," which is a little cryptic but okay. Don't drink out of urns, people.
• What does it Sound like it Means? A Kentuckian trying to say "Urinal."
• Analysis: It doesn't sound cool, but a pot or punch bowl is a good measurement.

7. Congius

• Modern Equivalent? About a gallon.
• Does it Sound Cool? Eh.
• What does it Mean? The amount of water it would take to fill a large seashell (like a conch, hence congius).
• What does it Sound like it Means? The Latin name for the Belgian Congo on pre-1960 maps.
• Analysis: This is about a gallon, which is a good equivalent of measurement to have. But I really find it odd that as a modern society we're basing the amount of milk and soda and gasoline we're consuming is based on how much liquid ancient dead people could fit into a big' ol' mollusk shell.

6. Culeus

• Modern Equivalent? Nothing exactly. It's about three barrels. And I mean three actual barrels. Not the brand of Brandy named Three Barrels.
• Does it Sound Cool? No. It sounds dumb.
• What does it Mean? A sack/bag. Yet you know how "sack" / nutsack can be slang for testicles today? Well the Romans were exactly the same as us and also used sack as ball slang). 
• What does it Sound like it Means? "Clueless," if you have dyslexia.
• Analysis: This is too much liquid. Why do we have a measurement for this huge amount of liquid? Still, I'm loving the nutsack jokes.

5. Hemina (Cotyla) 

• Modern Equivalent?  A cup (a little more, actually)
• Does it Sound Cool? Maybe. Both terms have their benefits.
• What does it Mean? "Hemina" basically means "measure," which is a little bit of a meta meaning for a measurement. "Cotyla" is a little harder to define, coming from Ancient Greek (or pre-Greeks) and meaning "a cup." So that checks out with modern American measurements.
• What does it Sound like it Means? Maybe it's just me, but both "hemina" and "cotyla" sound vaguely sexual. Like hymen and coitus.
• Analysis: This is a pretty good measurement, I suppose.

The perfect amount of crack!

4. Ligula 

• Modern Equivalent? A little more than two teaspoons, a little less than one tablespoon.
• Does it Sound Cool? Not particularly.
• What does it Mean? Spoon.
• What does it Sound like it Means? Some Latin name for an insect or something. Or at the very least a sex act on Urban Dictionary. 
• Analysis: Good and necessary/practical measurement. Like the amount of sugar that a coffee needs. The name is bleh though.

3. Cyathus

• Modern Equivalent?  A shot glass.
• Does it Sound Cool? Yeah, I'd say that a pretty cool word.
• What does it Mean? Ladle
• What does it Sound like it Means? Some sort of demon species in the fictional universe of someone who just uses vaguely Latin-sounding words for demon names. Or a flower. I could easily believe a cyathus is a pretty type of orchid.
• Analysis: This is a shot glass so it's awesome and it also has a good name.

2. Amphora (Amphora Quadrantal)

• Modern Equivalent? Nothing exact, but it's a little less than a pony keg (about half of a standard keg).
• Does it Sound Cool? YES! Amphora is a cool word.
• What does it Mean? Large Jar / Vase. Surely you've heard of amphoras before.
• What does it Sound like it Means? I took all sorts of ancient Greek history and culture classes back in school, so amphora sounds like a large pot with cool-ass paintings on the side to me.
• Analysis: Amphoras rule.

The perfect measurement.

1. Sextarius 

• Modern Equivalent?  Basically... A PINT! YEAAAAAH!!!! This is the good ol' unit of a drink to get smashed on!
• Does it Sound Cool? It has "sex" in it, so yes!
• What does it Mean? (As alluded to in Quartarius) a Sextarius is 1/6 of another unit, in this case - the unit would be a Congius.
• What does it Sound like it Means? What a creeper at a bar would tell a lady his Zodiac Sign is. "Hey babe, you said you're a Virgo? Well I'm a Sextarius and you're a Leo! How about we go back my place?"
• Analysis: Yes. The sex thing doesn't even have to push it over the edge to be winner. The fact that this is a pint glass already means it's the best measurement. Hell, I measure my life in pint glasses. Because I'm an alcoholic.

Ed Ranks Nigiri Sushi

Welcome to food porn.

I guess this is a continuing part of my apology for not initially ranking Japan as #1 for food.

Nigiri. This is the king of sushi, and consists of oval-shaped balls of rice topped with a slice of another item (typically but not always seafood).  Whether or not single-ingredient maki sushi (like Gunkan maki) counts as nigiri could be a point of contention, as technically it is not the same. Single ingredient maki sushi uses a seaweed (nori) wrapper to help bind a more messy/loose ingredient (e.g. various types of roe, chopped up fish) to the top of the rice. Most sushi restaurants simply place these under the "nigiri" list because they are closer to nigiri than the multi-ingredient "rolls" that most basic bitches are used to. I'm going to go ahead and just include these things as nigiri, even if the presence of nori makes them not true nigiri. Losts of lists of types of nigiri include them anyway, so I might as well.

20. Flying Fish / Smelt Roe (Tobiko, Masago) - These things are fine included in rolls to add some color, but they taste like absolutely nothing. Tiny little balls that get stuck in your teeth and provide no flavor. Eh.

19. Jellyfish (Kurage) - I've had this once. The texture was... ahh... interesting.

18. Fluke (Hirami, Ohyo) - Fluke is just fine but nobody goes to get sushi so that they can have some boring-ass flounder.

Nothing to write home about. It's just okay.

17. Crabstick / Imitation Crab (Kanikama, Surimi) - As with flying fish and smelt roe, this is a pretty common ingredient in sushi rolls, mixed up with a number of other things. But it is never the star ingredient. It's filler.

16. Clam (Akagai, Hokkigai, Mirugai, etc) - I don't dislike clam-based nigiri, but as with jellyfish the texture can take some getting used to. When you eat these things raw, they are quite chewy.

15. Crab (Kani) - Crab is delicious and I love crab, but as nigiri it's just barely better than its imitation relative. There are so many good ways to eat crab and on top of a lump of rice is not anywhere near the top. It can be used better on sushi rolls as a topper than it is as nigiri.

14. Abalone (Awabe) - Similar to the previously mentioned types of clam, but a step up.

Cooked shrimp is for wimps. I enjoy my mercury raw.

13. Raw Sweet Shrimp (Amaebi) - Most Americans have probably only ever eaten cooked shrimp on nigiri. However, in Japan this type of shrimp is often eaten raw. The texture is quite different than cooked shrimp, and I can describe it as almost being like a fishy-flavored Jell-O. That isn't necessarily a bad thing.


12. Scallops (Hotate) - I do love me some scallops!

11. Octopus (Tako) - Octopus is best fried up in takoyaki balls, but a chewy, raw piece of octopus on rice can be good too.

10. Squid (Ika) - Basically the same as octopus above, but slightly less chewy in its raw form.

Yep. It's just egg!

9. Egg Omelette (Tamago) - Totally underrated. Japanese egg omelettes have a slightly sweet flavor which makes them different than a Western omelette. You've probably have this in a sushi roll mixed up with other things - but it's great on its own.

8.Yellowtail / Amberjack (Hamachi, Buri, Kanpachi) - This is one of the most popular types of sushi in Japan itself, right behind tuna and salmon. There is a reason for this.

7. Mackerel (Saba, Aji) - Probably the most underrated sushi, full of great flavor that a lot of Westerners might think is "too fishy." It's fish, dumbasses. It's supposed to taste fishy.

Enjoy your gonads!

6. Sea Urchin Roe (Uni) - "Roe" is a very popular term to use because it means "fish eggs" and everyone has accepted that fish eggs are good and fancy because caviar is fish eggs. Well, technically I think sea urchin roe is actually sea urchin "gonad," but hey... who cares? It has a creamy taste which some might call "fishy mayonnaise," but I love it. And I'm doing this ranking, so here it is way up near the top.

Top 5

5. Tuna (Maguro)

I'm breaking the tunas in half for this one, and this is where the entry-level / most common tuna goes. It's pretty delicious and is up there with salmon as the most popular tuna. But for me, it only hits the end of the top 5. Regular cuts of bluefin tuna go (Kuro) in here, as to other tunas like yellowfin (Kihada), bigeye (Mebachi), albacore (Shiro maguro/Binnaga), etc.

4. Eel (Unagi and Anago)

Eel is so good. Freshwater, saltwater. Whatever. I don't understand why people are grossed out by this. It's fish that's long. The same as other fish, but longer.

Yeah, look at that!

3. Salmon (Sake)

Yeah, salmon is called "sake" in Japan, which I'm sure confuses a lot of unfamiliar foreigners who are wondering why it has the same name as the rice wine thing. But the kanji is written different (酒 and 鮭 ) and there are internet arguments about whether they are pronounced the same, different, or different but in an indistinguishable way that foreigners wouldn't comprehend. Ignoring that, Salmon is the most popular sushi in the United States and I'll admit it's extremely delicious as nigiri.

Behold the sea's salty bounty.

2. Salmon Roe (Ikura)

Salmon roe is amazing. Unlike its tiny, tasteless tobiko and masago relatives, ikura are nice-sized balls that pop in your mouth and bleed the salty taste of the ocean into it. I am not kidding. IT TASTES LIKE THE OCEAN. Eating salmon roe is basically temporarily transforms you into Aquaman... or the Gorton's Fisherman... or Poseidon, god of the sea. Something like that. It's also called "red caviar" to differentiate it from black caviar, but in my opinion it's so much tastier than those over-hyped sturgeon eggs.

This marble is better than Anicent Greek sculptures.

1. Fatty Bluefin Tuna Belly (Toro)

Fatty tuna belly is the best of the best. It technically comes in different grades like Chūtoro (medium fatty) and Ōtoro (very fatty). It melts on your tongue like butter. There are "fatty" cuts of other sushi like salmon and other tunas that are similar in melting in your mouth deliciousness, but nothing beats the Toro.

Ed Ranks the Noble Eightfold Path

Guess this is taken so my pirate religion will just have to use the skull flag.

The Noble Eightfold Path is the path that one should take in life in order to eventually escape the cycle of rebirth and reach Nirvana. Or something like that. I'm not Buddhist and I'm not a wealthy or famous enough white person to culturally appropriate it.

You know how one of the symbols of Buddhism is that Dharma Wheel which looks like it should also be the symbol of some pirate faith? (I would follow a pirate religion, for sure)  Well, it has eight spokes, representing the eightfold path, which are: right view, right resolve, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right "concentration" (technically, right "samadhi," the most difficult of the terms to translate into English, but roughly meaning "unification of mind," or "meditative absorption").

Here they are, ranked:

The glorious Buddhist hobo.

8. Right Livelihood - This can be described as "living from begging, not accepting everything given, and not possessing more than is strictly necessary." Basically, it means it's a virtue to be a hobo on the street carrying a bag on a stick and asking for change. No thanks, Buddhism. Although this is technically a mix between "be a hobo that gets thrown off of freight trains in silent movies" and "Tidying Up with Marie Kondo."

7. Right Resolve - In this path, the practitioner "resolves to leave home, renounce the worldly life and dedicate himself to an ascetic pursuit."   Look. I'm all about leaving home and stuff, but that whole "ascetic" thing (characterized by or suggesting the practice of severe self-discipline and abstention from all forms of indulgence) is not going to fly with me.

6. Right Concentration - This is the one that's a bit hard to concentrate and is confusing. One way of explaining it seems to be "the centering of consciousness on a single object/goal...the state in virtue of which consciousness and its concomitants remain evenly and rightly on a single object, undistracted and unscattered."  Sounds pretty boring to me, but to each their own. Technically I think stalkers also do something like this, but you wouldn't exactly call it a virtue, would you?

5. Right Effort - This can be a bit confusing since the doctrine talks about "guarding the sense-doors," which makes no sense to me but okay. However, the overall aim of this seems to be to "prevent the arising of unwholesome states, and the generate wholesome states" Sounds good, right? Make sure everything is nice and wholesome. I can get down with that. But wait. It all depends on what you are defining "unwholesome" as, I guess.  Buddhist teaching seems to indicate those are the "five hinderances" - things like sensory desire (the wanting of things you see, smell, touch, taste, and hear), ill-will towards others, sloth, worrying, and doubt.  I'm gong to take a hard no on this one with its sensory desire restrictions. 

You're wearing a purity ring. Nothing can go wrong!

4. Right Action - This is abstaining from killing, abstaining from stealing, abstaining from sexual misconduct. Okay, this is all good depending on how you define that last one.  This ranges from interpretations going all the way from "hey you need consent, fuckface," to the more typical and traditional "nothing out of wedlock and don't cheat on anyone," all the way to the full-blown, "be chaste and never have sex of any kind and don't even think of masturbating."  Yeah, so this one could be problematic. If you define it as "no rape" then this is great and could easily be #1. It's basically 80% of the full set of instructions on how to leave a fairly good life - "Never murder, steal or rape."  But since it could also be defined as strict celibacy - that's going to be a no from me, dawg. How has this ever worked for any religious (or other social) practice?

3. Right Speech - This is abstaining from lying, divisive speech, abusive speech, and idle chatter. I'm all about this one. I know some people might disagree on the "divisive speech" part because they think a healthy debate over differing opinions is good. But if you've ever watched cable news you know that to be 100% false and basically every one of those talking heads is going to be reincarnated as shit-eating flies in their next lives.


2. Right Mindfulness - This can sometimes get a bit confusing and blur the lines with the Right Concentration path, but this can be loosely defined as always being mindful about what you are doing and paying attention. It can also include the concept of "retention," meaning that it's good to learn and remember. So I'm all about this one. Good path! I have nothing to mock this one for.


1. Right View - Right View is the path that tells you to recognize that all your actions have consequences that will effect you in this life and the next. Living a good life will have good consequences and you'll eventually escape the cycle of rebirth and find salvation. The right view is to "clear your path" of all other things that distract you from this. This is all pretty standard and good religion stuff. I bet even the pirate religion believes in this.

Ed Ranks His Fictional "1997" Teams from Tony La Russa Baseball 3

Hey, remember that last Tony La Russa Baseball 3 ranking I just did, where I ranked the fictional rookie players which the computer randomly generated for me?  Yeah, well I had to play some seasons of baseball in order to get those stats.  Wanna know how the first of those seasons wound up for the various teams in the league? I bet you do!

As I alluded to in the last ranking, although the game paid the Players Association to use real player names - it did not pay the MLB to use the team names or logos. I therefore renamed all of the generic city team names.

Here is how they all did in the notional "1997" baseball year, which used the Spring 1996 MLB team lineups as the starting point for what players were on the teams.

Because the game used Spring 1996 player lineups from before the season was played though, I'm going to compare my fictional "1997" season to the real life 1996 MLB season, as the stats being used for the players were 1995 stats and therefore this game was trying to use 1995 stats to predict how a notional 1996-ish season would go. 

'MURICAN LEAGUE (American League)

Bartolo Colón was a pretty Unathletic Athletic.

14. Unathletics

• Based on: Oakland Athletics, but obviously not that Athletic given their record.
• How they did in this simulation: 62-100 (.382)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 78-84 (.481) - a whole lot better but still not cracking .500!

13.  Royaaaaaals

• Based on: Kansas City Royals, but as sung by Lorde.
• How they did in this simulation: 64-98 (.395)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 75-86 (.466) - better, but still worst in the AL Central.

12. Cougars

• Based on: Detroit Tigers, but if Cecil Fielder was a horny house wife on the prowl for as young stud to bed while her husband is away.
• How they did in this simulation: 68-64 (.419)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 53-109 (.327) - even worse than the game could imagine.

9 (3-Way Tie). Alcoholics

• Based on: Milwaukee Brewers, but a little more honest about what their name implies.
• How they did in this simulation: 71-91 (.438)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 80-82 (4.94) - a few games better.

Pretty exciting Anaheim Angles action going on here.

9 (3-Way Tie). Angles

• Based on: Anaheim Angels, but with a misspelling that got through the spellcheck undetected.
• How they did in this simulation: 71-91 (.438)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 70-91 (.435) - stunningly accurate and only off because of a rain-out meaning they only played 161 games IRL.

9 (3-Way Tie). Blow Jays

• Based on: Toronto Blue Jays, but I'm still bitter about the 1992 World Series.
• How they did in this simulation: 71-91 (.438)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 74-88 (.457) - slightly better.

8. White Sux

• Based on: Chicago White Sox, but more accurately describing their record in this simulation.
• How they did in this simulation: 76-86 (.469)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 85-77 (.525) - almost 10 games better!
• Fun Fact: Frank Thomas hit 64 home runs in this simulated season, surpassing Roger Maris's record of 61 which still stood when this game was made and before everyone was roided up with teeny balls.

7. Minnesota Fats

• Based on: Minnesota Twins, but instead played by Jackie Gleason in The Hustler.
• How they did in this simulation: 77-85 (.475)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 78-84 (.481) - pretty damn close, just one better!

6. Marinaters

• Based on: Seattle Mariners, but instead of being sailors they prepare meats in acidic liquid with seasonings.
• How they did in this simulation: 83-80 (.509)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 85-76 (.528) - again, really close and slightly better!

 5. Rednecks

• Based on: Texas Rangers, but being more accurate about the fact that Texans are hicks.
• How they did in this simulation: 84-79 (.515), not only making the Playoffs but also winning the World Series despite just barely being above .500.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 90-72 (.556) - slightly better by a few games.
• Fun Fact: Benji Gil struck out 211 times this simulated season, totally blowing away Bobby Bonds' record of 189 SOs from 1970 which still stood when this game was made. Since this game was made, the elder Bonds has been surpassed a huge number of times and is now way down in 31st place because people strike out like crazy these days. 
• Even Funner Fact: I ran the simulation for another year and in the fictional 1998 season, Benji Gil BROKE HIS OWN RECORD AGAIN and this time struck out a massive 229 times. This game really thinks Benji Gil is garbage. As of now the real world strikeout leader is Mark Reynolds, who only had 223 SOs in 2009.

4. Yank Deez

• Based on: New York Yankees, but using the same joke I did when I was 9 years old.
• How they did in this simulation: 91-71 (.561), missing the playoffs despite being better than the World Series winning Rednecks. Eh, that's just how MLB works with the Divisional system.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 92-70 (.568) - again, eerily accurate and only off by 1 game. They also really won the World Series this year over the Braves. By cheating and bribing the umpires, I suspect. Shit, you remember the whole Jeffrey Maier thing, right? Hey, speaking of Jeffrey Maier... 

Delicious. Oreos, I mean. Not racial slurs.

3. Oreos

• Based on: Baltimore Orioles, but if made of cookies & cream.
• How they did in this simulation: 96-66 (.592), made playoffs.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 88-74 (.543) - worse in the real world, but still playoff bound and cheated out of an ALCS win by shitty umpiring. 

2. Racial Slurs

• Based on: Cleveland Indians, but more honest about how it's problematic naming themselves after a race of people who has been systemically oppressed and fell victim to the largest genocide in history that we kind of don't talk about as Americans because it's uncomfortable for us to discuss the fact that we took an entire race of people and decimated their population so that we could wind up making them mascots for sports teams and tobacco companies. Oh wait... did I say "decimate?" Because "decimate" means killing 1 in 10. This was much, much worse.
• How they did in this simulation: 107-55 (.660). Playoff-making and second-best team in league.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 99-62 (.615) - still pretty damn good, but not as good as projected.

1. Red Sux

• Based on: Boston Red Sox, but I hate they annoying fans so screw them.
• How they did in this simulation: 114-48 (.703), best team the entire season but choked in playoffs.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 85-77 (.525) - much worse, this is the least accurate team projection in the entire game (off by a whopping 29 games), proving that the programmers were probably shitty Boston fans who jacked the stats for the players they were fanboys of.

NATTY BO LEAGUE (National League)

The government won't tell you the truth about USS Eldridge!!!

13 (tie). Philadelphia Experiments

• Based on: Philadelphia Phillies, but replaced by an INVISIBLE WARSHIP.
• How they did in this simulation: 65-97 (.401)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 67-95 (.414) - a little better, but this is still really close.

13 (tie). Space Pirates

• Based on: Pittsburgh Pirates, but from space because Space Pirates are better.
• How they did in this simulation: 65-97 (.401)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 73-89 (.451) - quite a few games better.

12. Houston We Have a Prob[lem]

• Based on: Houston Astros, but that line from Apollo 13 (the team name was too long and it wouldn't fit, so it just got cut off at "Prob").
• How they did in this simulation: 72-90 (.444)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 82-80 (.506) - a whole 10 games better and above .500.

11. Oranges

• Based on: Florida Marlins, but Florida Oranges instead as a clever Sunkist marking scheme to compete with the future Tropicana Park.
• How they did in this simulation: 73-89 (.450)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 80-82 (.494) - a bit better.

10. Washington Formerly Expos

• Based on: Montreal Expos, but I moved them to Washington just like their future foretold.
• How they did in this simulation: 74-88 (.456)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 88-74 (.543) - swap the wins and losses, they did much better.

Worthy of a baseball team name.

9. Food Trucks

• Based on: San Diego Padres, but San Diego is really better known for awesome Mexican Food Trucks, isn't it?
• How they did in this simulation: 76-86 (.469)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 91-71 (.562) - much better, and they won the NL West division.

8. South Parks

• Based on: Colorado Rockies, but now renamed after the only notable pop culture thing about Colorado.
• How they did in this simulation: 82-80 (.506)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 83-79 (.512) - Nice! Only a single game off.

7. Tomahawks

• Based on: Atlanta Braves, except now without a racial epithet as the name (See Cleveland above).
• How they did in this simulation: 83-80 (.509)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 96-66 (.593) - much better for real. But I messed them up with my managing and all those new rookies I threw in. Best team in NL and made it to the series. 

Detailed Tomahawks Analysis:

47.3% less racist.

• This was the team that I played and simulated as the manager of, so I figured that I'd give this one some extra attention and analysis. As you can see, I messed them up a bit so they weren't as good as they were in real life. 
• I sort of expected that, because in order to do my whole "hire a lot of rookies" to rank thing, I was by nature taking a riskier approach to playing knowing that a lot of them wouldn't pan out while benching proven stars. 
• After simulating a month's worth of games the Tomahawks were in last place in early May, so I made my first major set of changes. Some of the rookies I initially started I either benched or outright cut, I brought up new rookies, and I played around with my starters and lineup. 
• The changes made me get slightly better, and by the All Star break the Tomahawks were at .460, which was 12 games behind the first place Mr. Mets. Despite the under .500 average, the Tomahawks had been on a recent winning streak, so I didn't mess with them too much and made only a few adjustments (mainly to the pitching staff, as well as some more strategic starting of different players based on if the opponent pitcher was R or L). 
• By August 6 I finally got the team at .500, hitting a record of 55-55. Liking my progress, I kept my squad basically as it was until the September roster expansion.  Alas, my team sort of just hung out there, slightly above .500 without any major improvements. 
• In September, I started to creep up on the Mr. Mets. Not because I was doing a lot better, but because the Mr. Mets were collapsing.
• Going to the final game of the season on October 4, the Tomahawks and Mr. Mets were tied at 83-79. The Mr. Mets won and the Tomahawks lost, thus keeping them out by one game. Thus is life.
• If you add up the wins and losses from my pitchers in the last ranking, you'll see it doesn't match with the 83-80 record here. The other ranking was mainly based on my fictional 1998 season the following year, when I did substantially better (97-65, or .598).

6. Mr. Mets

• Based on: New York Mets, but just named after their dumb mascot.
• How they did in this simulation: 84-79 (.515), barely above .500 but still squeaking into the playoffs because the NL East was so damn terrible.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 71-91 (.438) - quite a bit worse.

4 (tie). Maroons

• Based on: Cincinnati Reds, but a slightly different color.
• How they did in this simulation: 86-76 (.530)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 81-81 (.500) - a little bit worse.

4 (tie). Rice A Ronies

• Based on: San Francisco Giants, but instead named after the San Francisco Treat.
• How they did in this simulation: 86-76 (.530)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 68-94 (.420) - a lot bit worse.

Don't tell me this as a logo wouldn't give their opponents more pause.

3. Murder Bears

• Based on: Chicago Cubs, but now with a more threatening name to inspire fear in their foes.
• How they did in this simulation: 91-71 (.561), and taking the wildcard spot to advance to the playoffs. They advanced all the way, but lost in the World Series to Texas.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 76-86 (.496) - 15 games worse IRL and not a playoff contender.

2. Robins

• Based on: St. Louis Cardinals, but named after a different dumb (reddish) bird.
• How they did in this simulation: 95-67 (.586) and playoff bound.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 88-74 (.543) - a little worse, but still the NL Central division winners.

This would not be the worst California team named after ducks.

1. Duck Dodgers

• Based on: Los Angeles Dodgers, but now with 100% more Daffy and Marvin.
• How they did in this simulation: 103-59 (.635), the best team in the NL but they still choked in the Wild Card round of the playoffs against the Murder Bears.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 90-72 (.562) - 13 games worse, but still made the playoffs as the wildcard beneath the Padres.