Ed Ranks Halloween Candy

I did a Halloween-related ranking last year. It only seems sensible to do one again, no?

Look like antacids? They are.

40. Necco Wafers - Have you ever had Necco Wafers? Spoiler alert: they are Tums. Necco Wafers are pieces of chalk that passed as "candy" during a time when US Presidents all had long beards.

39. Razor blades - Terrible gift. Still better to put in your mouth than disgusting Necco Wafers.

38. Licorice - Are you trying to poison people?

37. Religious Propaganda - Oh goodie! A little pamphlet telling me that I'm going to hell for Trick-or-Treating! Thanks for the passive-aggressive gift, asshole! You know, I don't have a problem with you not celebrating Halloween. That's your right, for whatever reason. I don't even have a problem with you believing that I'm going to burn in hell. Feel free to believe that - this is America and it's also your right.  But simply turn off your porch lights and don't answer the door like everyone else who doesn't celebrate Halloween. Don't purposefully TRICK kids into coming up to your door to trap them with your shitty booklet and preaching. That's just one step removed from being the person who tricks kids into getting into their white van.

Sorry if you thought I was talking about weed.

36. Mary Jane - I have NEVER actually seen this hard block of peanut butter-like substance (nobody is sure what it actually is) outside of Halloween candy bags. Where does one even buy this crap? I'm not sure I've seen it in a store. Do you have to get it at Home Depot? Because it could easily be used as a small brick.

35. Bag of Pennies - Cheap ass.

34. Apple - "Candy" does not come from the produce section. Nobody wants "nature's candy," you dirty hippie.

If you like this you have poor taste.

33. Candy Corn - Candy Corn is disgusting. There, I said it.  This also includes that pumpkin-shaped thing that is made out of the same crap that Candy Corn is made from.

32. Toostie Roll - Toostie Rolls are also disgusting. Is this supposed to be "chocolate?" This is not what chocolate tastes like. This is what the plastic container that molasses comes in tastes like, were you to eat the plastic container. And why would you?

31. Toothbrush - I know your heart is in the right place and you're trying to do some sort of Yin and Yang "balance" thing, but seriously if you give kids this... fuck you.

30. Little Box of Sunmaid Raisins - It's like saying "please skip my house next year."

Now in Progestin-only flavor!

29. Candy Buttons - These look too suspiciously like birth control pills for it to be a coincidence. 

28. Plastic Spider Ring - I guess you could technically eat this. It would likely taste exactly like the Tootsie Roll.

27. Inappropriate Seasonal Candy - Gumdrops? Those are for Christmas, idiots. The same goes for Candy Canes and other types of Peppermint. I've seen Candy Hearts in Halloween bags before too. February was eight months ago - and you're giving kids leftover chalk hearts from eight months ago? It's a good thing chalk doesn't go bad. And don't get me started on Halloween Peeps! Yes, Peeps does sell their shitty gross marshmallows at Halloween time with "seasonal" shapes like pumpkins and ghosts rather than chicks and bunnies. But you already have your holiday, Peeps. It's Easter. Don't try to claim another holiday. Be happy with the one you already have, lest we take that from you.

26. Pez - Dafuq? This is a small breath mint. Not candy.

25. Generic Hard Candy - Like those candies that come in the strawberry wrapper and I guess sort of taste like strawberries. Are strawberries even associated with the autumn? I'm too lazy to look up when they actually produce fruit.  Even worse than the strawberry ones are the ones that are just generic and yellowish-brown. I'm not sure what the flavor is supposed to be. Caramel?

24. Bubblegum: Parents should just confiscate this and throw it away as soon as a kid comes home with the bag. You just know this will wind up in someone's hair soon.

23. Squirrel Nut Zippers - 1890 called and they want their candy back.

The quarter looks more appetizing.

22. Any Type of Taffy - Gross.

21. Movie Theater Bullshit - Mike and Ike, Junior Mints, Lemonheads, Hot Tamales, Sour Patch, Warheads, Good & Plenty, Airheads, SweeTarts, etc.  This is not Halloween Candy. This is movie theater candy. Are you trick or treating at the AMC?   And yes, I know some other candy on this list (both above and below) could ALSO be considered Movie Theater candy. But these are the ones that are all so boring that they don't even get to be mentioned on their own.

20. Powdered Sour Sugar Sticks - Pixy Stix is the most famous brand, but there are a bunch of these. I was really never that much into the whole "Oh wow, ultra sour but also sweet!" stuff. Just tastes like chemicals to me.

19. Wax Lips (including vampire lips) - Fun to play with for a a few minutes but you can't really eat it. Where is the fun in that?

Candy that has Psoriasis

18. Jelly Beans - You can't even really tell what flavors these things are. Buttered Popcorn? No thanks. Ronald Reagan loved these things. He also had crippling dementia, so there's that.

17. Gummy Bears / Worms - These are just meh.

16. Jawbreaker - Candy that looks exactly like rubber balls? This surely won't lead to thousands of choking incidents.

15. Lollie Pops -  On their own a little boring. But what about Charms? You know, the ones with the bubble gum in the middle. And how about the ones that taste like root beer? So good! Also, Tootsie Pops are far less disgusting than Tootsie Rolls.

14. Ring Pop - Like above, but in the shape of a ring. I guess that's cool or something... huh?

But hey! The Wint-O-Green ones spark in the dark!

13. Life Savers - This is sort of just like a lolly pop without the stick, right?  The gummy ones were better.

12. Jolly Ranchers - The alternative title for Brokeback Mountain.

11. Skittles - You always wish they were M&M's instead.

10. Swedish Fish - Unique enough so that they have a very recognizable flavor different than the other "gummy" stuff.

9. Nerds - Little sour rocks that destroy your teeth. Yay?

8. Whoppers / Maltesers - I group a bunch of chocolate-based candies below but separate this one out. Why? Whoppers may be chocolate-covered, but chocolate isn't really Whoppers' "thing." Its thing is malted milk... which is also delicious.

7. Twizzlers - Only the red type. Not the disgusting licorice. Remember, licorice is just barely better than razor blades.

6. Generic Halloween-Themed Stuff - e.g. candies shaped like witches, bats, ghosts, pumpkins, etc. Candy blood counts here too. These these are almost never a name brand... just generic crap. The companies that make these also make generic crap for the rest of the year too. But come Halloween... somehow it just tastes better when it's in a foil wrapper designed like a bloody eyeball.

Yes, these.

5. Sour Jelly Pumpkins - These are great and not to be confused with the gross ones that are made from the same shit as candy corn.

4. Now & Later - These were a form of currency back in school. And no, it's not Taffy. Take that insult back now before I fight you!

3. Starburst - Delicious.

2. Caramel Squares or Bullseyes - Caramel? HELL YEAH! Even better? The ones with the cream filling.

The king of Halloween Candy. And the king every other day too.

1. Chocolate - This includes name brand chocolate bars (e.g. Snickers, Hershey's, Kit Kats) and other chocolates that aren't quite "bars" (e.g. M&M's, Reece's Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups). Chocolate is the best and if the house gives you name-brand chocolate then they've done Halloween right.

Ed Ranks Yelp Reviews of a Cracker Barrel in Mobile

Want me to rank the reviews of the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store at 845 A Schillinger Rd S in Mobile, Alabama?  Of course you do!

For short reviews, I'll just copy and paste the entire review. For the longer ones, I'll summarize.

22. Brentin O (Jan 8, 2012) - ★★★

"Good country style food. Great breakfasts."

Lazy fucking review. Put a little more effort into your Yelp reviews, Brentin. And how does three stars equal "great?"

21. Teddee J (Jan 21, 2011) - ★★★★

"Good for a homestyle meal at a decent price without having to do any home cooking."

Four star review just because you're too lazy to make a meal yourself? Generous.

20. Kaylee P (Oct 4, 2016) - ★★★★★

"I love Cracker Barrel! I've been to this location several times and had a great experience every time. The staff and service are great. The food is good like always!"

The definition of a boring review done by a person who is unironically talking about Cracker Barrel being so good.

19. Kyle R (May 8, 2016) - ★

Kyle says the service is "shit." Watch it Kyle, this is Yelp, not a PG-13 movie.

18. Jeff M (March 23, 2016) - ★

Jeff had to wait for a half our to get a vegetable plate to-go. Wait... people get Cracker Barrel food to go? You reap what you sew, Jeff.  Anyone who decides to get a vegetarian meal to-go from CB probably deserves to suffer.

17. Wayne G (Feb 16, 2012) - ★★★★

Wayne loves CB, but wishes it was "smoke-free." Huh... you can still smoke inside restaurants? Oh wait... it's the South. You're probably required to smoke.

16. Lar S (June 5, 2016) - ★

Overpacked and terrible food. Don't get Hershel's breakfast. It was "uneatable." He says he "literally" couldn't eat the ham. By "literally" I assume he means "figuratively" because he literally probably doesn't know what "literally" means.  Lar (not Lars?) also says " It was obviously old tasted Britney and really uneatable."  Tasted Britney?  What are you talking about, Lar? Are you a cannibal? Be a professional and do some proofreading before you post on the internet, Lar. Nobody likes people who make spelling mitsakes.

15. Vivienne A (July 17, 2016) - ★★★★★

Vivienne really likes the portion sizes. She got ham and it was enough ham for THREE HAM SAMMICHES!!!! Make sure to ask for Renee to be your waitress, because she served Vivienne so well.

14. Kayla S (Oct 20, 2011) - ★★★★★

"The Sunday fried chicken dinner is the best! Wish they had it 7 days a week!"

There you have it, folks. Cracker Barrel's fried chicken is the best. Everyone else can close up shop now.

13. Ken B (August 5, 2011) - ★★★★

Ken, who has a profile picture that looks like a creepy old man, writes a review which is completely based around the fact that he found the manager of this restaurant sexually attractive. Ken will be coming back here again and again to sexually harass this manager, I assume. If he's not already in jail. Or dead from eating Cracker Barrel. This review is from 2011, after all.

12. Jewish J (April 17, 2016) - ★

Jewish J had a terrible time here. He was there for 15 minutes and not a single person came to serve him. He had time to memorize the first two pages of the menu. Just quiz him on it, I bet he can answer.  I assume this terrible experience happened because the employees somehow knew his Yelp name and decided to give him the usual Southern hospitality provided to Jewish people.

11. Jewish J (May 30, 2016) - ★★★★★

Jewish J is a flip-flopper. He complained to management and management went "above and beyond" to correct the mishap that happened the last time. No wait... he says "two times" ago. WHAT? He had a terrible experience at Cracker Barrel and then went back TWO MORE TIMES?   And I can only imagine how Cracker Barrel made up for the bad experience. Presumably by putting a welcoming burning cross in his yard.  Because Alabama is racist. That's what I'm saying here.

10. Nguyen L (May 3, 2015) - ★★★★

Nguyen isn't crazy enough to leave a Five Star Review. Four Stars is plenty. While Nguyen likes the consistency of Cracker Barrels across the country, surely this Mobile, AL one will never live up to his local CB (which is what the hip kids call it) in Hattiesburg, MS.

9. Arnold L (Aug 6, 2017) - ★★★★★

Arnold L loves how hot and tasty the food is, but especially loves the portion sizes. Why a five star review though? Oh, Arnold L wouldn't give out five starts to just any restaurant. The real reason for this raving review is not the food but the service! While the rest of the restaurant industry is collapsing because of shitty service, Arnold L assures you that this Cracker Barrel in Mobile, Alabama is the exception to the rule. If Arnold L has any problem with this Cracker Barrel - it's not in the restaurant side, but the store. He just wishes they could sell things that were useful rather than cheap, worthless junk. I beg to differ, Arnold L. A robot parrot that records when you speak and plays it back in a higher pitch doesn't sound "worthless" to me.

8. Arnold L (Sept 4, 2016) - ★

Arnold L needs to make up his mind over whether he loves or hates this place. This earlier time his food was cold and his service was poor.  Arnold L actually left three different reviews for this Cracker Barrel at different points in time. Two of them were essentially the same review though because he was updating and old review (and did not like the fact that the updated review left the old review date - so he copy and pasted the same review and did it again with minor changes to get the date he wanted). What kind of person leaves THREE reviews for the same Cracker Barrel?

7. Jamie A (Feb 16, 2017) - ★★★★★

Quite frankly I think Jamie is fucking with us, because she says "they also offer a lot of lighter options for when you're trying to feel healthy."  Yes, I'm sure that's where people go when they want a nice, healthy, light meal. Cracker Barrel.

6. PeaJay H (Nov 28, 2013) - ★★★★★

PeaJay is not a Mobile native - but is actually from Nevada and had been "waiting three years" to go to this Cracker Barrel. Given the five star review he was obviously not disappointed. He also went to this Cracker Barrel ON THANKSGIVING DAY. That's right. PeaJay waited three years to go to a Cracker Barrel on Thanksgiving and left a five star review.

PeaJay, man... I feel like you need to expand your horizons. You need to see and experience more of the world. I feel like PeaJay might be the kind of person who cried himself to sleep when Bennigans went out of business.

5. Amanda E (Dec 5, 2016) - ★★★★

"If you want a hardy breakfast with lots of side dishes...this is your place! I only come here for breakfast but haven't been disappointed. I usually get scrambled eggs and ask them to add cheese, with some hash browns, cheese grits, and a coffee. I get a coffee and they keep refilling it until I"

...And then the review cuts off with that incomplete sentence. OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY AMANDA E? I think she was just kidnapped without completing her thought. I give this review a high ranking because it's so mysterious. RIP Amanda. ???-2016.

4. caree c (Dec 10, 2010) - ★★

caree (lowercase) says that Cracker Barrel is hit-or-miss but you pretty much have to go to it because it's the only option in town for Saturday morning breakfast if you don't want to settle for fast food.  This is probably the most accurate review of Cracker Barrel and why it exists ever. Points!

3. Wayne F (Nov 27, 2012) - ★★★★★

Wayne F left a fucking NOVEL as his review. This review goes on forever. He also keeps referring to "Mr. and Mrs. Farmer" in his review, which is also written like a little novel about Mr. and Mrs. Farmer going to Cracker Barrel on Thanksgiving and having a delicious meal.  Since Wayne's name is "Wayne F," I assume the "F" stands for "Farmer" and that Wayne is speaking in third person like some sort of crazy person. This entire thing goes into deep detail about Mr. and Mrs. Farmer having a wonderful time and gets nitty gritty about everything. EVERYTHING. Want to know what time Mr. and Mrs. Farmer arrived? 10:50AM. Want to know if they locked the doors to their car after parking? Yes, they did. How do I know? Because locking their doors is part of the review. Want to know if they needed to be put on the waiting list? They did. Want to know every item that was on the Thanksgiving meal? Wayne F will fucking tell you.

This review is written like an intimidation of some folksy Garrison Keillor story, except by the Cracker Barrel marketing department.  I'm fairly sure it's totally fake. In other words - it is an awesome review.

2. Eric B (Dec 21, 2013) - ★

"Loyal customer for years. Now that you have picked your side, and do not support The Robertsons, I will no longer support Cracker Barrel. Stupid move...know your customer base.  Boycott Cracker Barrel!"

Eric is boycotting this Cracker Barrel because they don't support the cast of Duck Dynasty enough. I guarantee you that Eric B causally uses the N word at least once a day.

1. Eva W (Feb 28, 2017) - ★

"Cracker Barrel management mistreating local seniors and banishing Trump Supporters from returning while reporting to Corporate due to political differences!" 

Eva W is convinced that the minimum-wage earning employees at her local Alabama Cracker Barrel are devious liberal agents taking orders straight from, and reporting back to, "the corporation" as part of a malicious plot against her for being a Trump supporter. And when these demons aren't kicking out Trumpers, they're also abusing seniors. Which sounds interesting. I wonder if it's physical abuse.

I guarantee you that Eva W causally uses the N word at least twice a day. Now THIS is a Yelp review, people. Take heed.

Ed Ranks Tetrasyllabic Pairs of English Rhyming Words

No picture makes sense for this ranking. So instead, I'll just
randomly have a picture of the Season 1 cast of Dark Angel.

Closed pairs are words that only rhyme with each other. Tetrasyllabic words are words with four syllables.  These are 11 pairs of English words with four syllables that rhyme with each other.

11. Grandiloquent / Magniloquent - I think these are fake words.  These are the types of words that I expect to hear from the asshole sitting across from me in the LAX business lounge while he's loud,  on the phone, name-dropping the C-List celebrities he knows, and making pseudo-philosophical remarks about how everything "is just a human construct."

10. Deifying / Reifying - Nobody uses "reifying."  I even get the little red "this is not a word" squiggle under it.

9. Culminated / Fulminated - Will probably never be used as rhymes in a hip hop song any time soon. Even if the song is about someone being angry about how something turned out.

8. Generated / Venerated - Wow... both "diefying" and "venerated" have matching tetrasyllabic pairs? And their pairs are also sort of synonyms too. Kind of. A little bit.

7. Delegated / Relegated - More like SMELLegated, am I right people?

6. Dedicated / Medicated - Given the current opiod crisis, it seems many are dedicated to being medicated.

5. Lacerated / Macerated - Both of which are sort of what we do to animals to turn them into food.

4. Beautifully / Dutifully - These are good words, right? Sure. Why not. Let's call this #4.

3. Lecherously / Treacherously - Both great adverbs to describe the actions of awesome villains in Shakespearean plays.

2. Germinated / Terminated - Sort of at opposite ends of the spectrum, right? Like birth and death.

1. Copulated / Populated - This one is obviously the best because you can see how one easily leads to the other. It's also about sex, people. SEX!!!

Ed Ranks the Programming of KJEF Cajun Radio

Pictured: the Governor of Louisiana.

WHOOOOOOOO WHEEEEEE!  I feel lake I gotta conjur me up a list o' da hottest of dem dere programs on KJEF 1290 AM.

Now I know whattya sayin! "This podna Ed is as thick as my mamare's gumbo! Cajun Radio ain't no KJEF 1290 AM! Cajun Radio is KLCL 1470!"  Well I hear ya, Cher! But doncha know dat da KJEF 1290 AM over dere in Jennings country went gone done and simulcast as KLCL 1470 over in a Lake Charles? It's the same ol' thing, mon ami!

4. KPLC Sunrise - Boy, I tell ya dat ya gonna scream "ca c’est bon!" every morning from 4:30 a.m. to 7 a.m., when ya hangin' out wit Johnny Boy Bridges and lil' miss Britney Glaser. Dey give ya dat goods news from all about Soufwesturn Louisiana country!

3. Hal McMillin's Sportsman’s Paradise -  Ya ain't nuttin but no-good couillon if ya don't tune in ta Calcasieu Parish Police Juror Hal McMillin. Dat good' ol boy go and take ya down bayous every Mercredi night from 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. to talk about dat outdoor livin! If you don't lissen ta dis show den Papa Noel gonna put a gris gris on ya... and den ya ain't nevah gonna catch no bass!

2. Cullen Washington's Zydeco Jamboree - Boy ya just know you gonna pass a good time when Cullen go and play dat best in contemporary & old school Zydeco from 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. every Samedi. This show is bedda dan a dressed po'boy!

1.  Mornings with Mike Soileau - Now I tell ya dat dis Cajun boy was born and raised right here in Soufwesturn Louisiana country, and so he know all bout dat best Cajun, Zydeco and Swamp Pop. When you lissen to ol Mike you know ya gonna laissez les bon temps rouler!!!

Ed Ranks the Carmen Sandiego Game Show V.I.L.E. Henchmen

All of them. Except for RoboCrook, for some reason. No real loss. 

Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? was a 1991-1996 game show on PBS. It was also a video game series before and after that, but I'm not talking about that. I'm only talking about the henchmen from this specific game show. This doesn't count Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? henchmen either.

I will exclude Carmen Sandiego herself because she's awesome and would just come in as #1 anyway. We all know that. I'm only talking about the V.I.L.E. agents that worked for her.

10. Kneemoi - the WORST.  I suppose this was supposed to be a takeoff of "Nimoy" as in Leonard Nimoy. I don't think I quite got that as a kid (because it was a space alien that looked like a Skip-It) What I did get was how lame Kneemoi was. I might as well just change the channel if it's a Kneemoi episode.

9. RoboCrook - Like Robocop but a crook instead of a cop. Get it? He even had the black mask around his eyes like the Hamburglar.  And there was something seriously wrong with this guy's face where his lock-jawed mouth leaned to one side. Who has a mouth on just one side of their face?  If you're going to turn someone into a cyborg after some crippling accident you should probably fix their face too.

8. Eartha Brute - Marge Simpson on steroids and wearing Bret "the Hitman" Hart's pink wrestling singlet.  But proof that by 'Henchmen" I really mean "Henchpeople." Women can be criminals too! Hashtag Feminism!

7. Wonder Rat - What the hell happened in this poor guy's life so that he decided to dress up as a rat and become an evil henchperson for an elite club that goes around stealing national monuments (how exactly does one steal the Eiffel Tower and haul it around the world anyway without getting caught? When you're in Port Moresby - wouldn't someone notice you're carrying around a giant tower?).  He also carries around cheese to complete the effect. Okay.

6. Vic the Slick - A used car salesman with a terrible polyester suit and an open collar with his shirt buttoned down too many notches, exposing chest hair. That and the John Waters pedophile mustache. Yikes. I don't see this guy being a master criminal that can blend in. One look at him and I think he should be arrested for something.

5. Patty Larceny - Supposed to be a ditsy, blonde schoolgirl who deceived people by appearing to be giggling and innocent. I'm  assuming she would probably be made into some freaky Japanese lolita in a gritty Carmen Sandiego game show reboot (with Academy Award-winning Viola Davis as new Chief, we can only hope).

4. The Contessa  - A "stylish," Italian woman who wears the fanciest pant-suits from Milan.  Isn't she sort of a take off of Baroness from G.I. Joe?  Just mixed up with Princess Diana a little bit.

3. Top Grunge - A stinky biker with flies that always surround him. Like Pigpen when he grows up and joins the Hells Angels. I really liked this guy. I have no idea why. I think being so stinky that flies surround you is simply a HILARIOUS concept for kids.

2. Sarah Nade - Mr. and Mrs. Nade (Sarah's parents) were probably super disappointed when she came home with rainbow-dyed, short hair and all those nose rings and stuff.  Oh, I'm sure they tried to convince themselves that she was just being "punk rock."  But in their hearts they knew that she was a lesbian. And 1991 was a different time than now. Mr. and Mrs. Nade probably weren't as accepting. Hopefully they've grown and matured over the years, as the rest of the world has, and have accepted their daughter for being herself.

1. Double Trouble - I LOVED Double Trouble as a kid. I wanted every episode to be a Double Trouble episode. Two for the price of one! In hindsight they are sort of strange though. Visually, they seem like a mix between Spy vs. Spy and Vanilla Ice. How are they twins with different and opposite skin tone? Yeah, yeah. I know it's possible.  But why is their skin tone gray? That sounds like a serious medical condition. And why do they sound like Jack Nicholson? None of this makes any sense.

Ed Ranks Prime Ministers of Trinidad and Tobago by their Middle Names

Coat of arms of Trinidad and Tobago

6. (TIE) Basdeo Panday and Kamla Persad-Bissessar - Neither appears to have a middle name that I've been able to identify through my (admittedly minimal) research. No points.

5.  Eric Eustace Williams - Eric Williams is often thought of as the "father" of Trinidad and Tobago. He's their George Washington.  But you know what his middle name was? Eustace. Yikes.

4. Patrick Augustus Mervyn Manning - I'm really torn here. The "Augustus" part is so awesome that he should almost be #1.  But the "Mervyn" part is so bad that he should be below someone with no middle name at all. In the end, I think the awfulness of Mervyn outweighs any of the coolness of Augustus.

3. George Michael Chambers - A perfectly normal name. But isn't "Michael" a little boring and basic?

2. Dr. Keith Christopher Rowley - The incumbent Prime Minister.  Like with George Chambers' middle name though, Dr. Rowley's middle name is the very meh "Christopher." I'll put the doctor at the top between the two though.

1. Arthur Napoleon Raymond Robinson - HOLY SHIT! Your middle name(s) are "Napoleon Raymond?" That is so awesome. "Napoleon Raymond" sounds like a private detective or a super spy. Someone who kicks ass. 

Ed Ranks the Original 2001 Adult Swim Lineup

So let's talk about Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming. No, not what they run now. What they ran in 2001...

7. Home Movies - This show originally aired on UPN before it was cancelled by them. Maybe it should have stayed cancelled. The animation was the same as the horrible Dr. Katz and it made everyone look like they were constantly having seizures. The only good thing I have to say about this show is that Coach McGuirk was voiced by H. Jon Benjamin who would go on to become Sterling Archer.

Three hams will fill him, three hams will thrill him.

6. The Brak Show - The Brak Show is a spin-off of the parody talk show Space Ghost Coast to Coast, which is itself a spin-off of the original 1966 Space Ghost TV series. Yet rather than being a talk show parody, this one was a 1950's sitcom parody. Was anybody really begging for a 1950's sitcom parody? Look, the show was funny and all... but this might have just been one spin-off too far. I don't even remember too much of it other than Brak's Killbot neighbor, Thundercleese.

5. Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law - Early Adult Swim was really obsessed with taking old, forgotten Hannah-Barbera properties that nobody really liked and "refreshing" them with crazy new twists. In this twist, they took an old boring superhero and made him a lawyer (as you can guess by the name). Harvey Birdman did have a number of hilarious episodes, but overall this just wasn't as good as the similarly absurdist Space Ghost or Sealab reboots. Points for having Gary Cole and Steven Colbert as the main voice talents here though.

4. Space Ghost Coast to Coast - SGC2C is the mother of Adult Swim. There would be no Adult Swim without Space Ghost. It actually predated Adult Swim by many, many years as the first truly original Cartoon Network-created content and helped to launch many of the other original Adult Swim shows that would come.  While the Brak Show is an obvious descendant of Space Ghost due to its use of many of the same characters - even other shows like Aqua Teen Hunger Force had their roots with Space Ghost (proto versions of the characters came from the "Baffler Meal" episode). In this show, former (presumably dead?) Superhero Space Ghost now interviews celebrities as a talk show host.  The great thing about this is that he actually interviewed real celebrities like they were going on the Tonight Show or something. The even greater thing is that half the time the celebrities had no idea what the hell was going on or what their publicists got them into. Every once and a while the celebrities were young, cool or "hip" enough to be part of it and play along with the surrealist insanity -- but the show was always best when the celebrity was like a deer in headlights.

3. Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Speaking of surrealist and absurdist, this show was completely bat-shit insane. It's about living collection of french fries, a shake and a ball of meat who sit around and do absolutely nothing but annoy their neighbor Carl and everyone else around them. It was so much more "a show about nothing" than Seinfeld was. Although they are a "Force," they aren't a force that seems to do anything but bicker at each other and occasionally be cursed by mummies or fight moon men. Still, this was the only one of the Adult Swim shows that was able to transfer from TV to a feature length film (admittedly, nobody actually saw that film and it wasn't that good).

Bang.

2. Cowboy Bebop - Cowboy Bebop is unlike the other Adult Swim shows in that it wasn't original programming produced just for the block, but instead the English-language dub of the 1998 Japanese anime series Kaubōi Bibappu. It also wasn't primarily a "comedy" like the other shows were - but a futuristic space action/drama. Still, different as it is was it was still thrown up (at the midnight hour, if I recall correctly) as part of the bloc of shows.  The show follows the lives of space bounty hunters on a spaceship called "Bebop," is set to great bluesy music, and explores philosophical concepts including existentialism, existential ennui, and loneliness.

1. Sealab 2021 - The idea of taking an old, mediocre animated show with no apparent value (in this case, the highly forgettable and boring Sealab 2020, a 1970s show about environmentalism) and re-hashing it as an absurd comedy was already old hat by the time Sealab 2021 debuted in 2001. This was already what Space Ghost C2C was all about.  But, in my humble opinion, none of the shows ever quite brought the ludicrous, surrealist, satirical insanity that Sealab 2021 did. In the case of this show, it's almost based along the premise that about one year after the events of the original show - the crew had been living underwater in their habitat and had gone completely insane. Although to say the show had any "premise" at all is an overstatement since the episodes hardly ever had any narrative consistency, story arcs or connection to one another. Characters were brutally killed off and the entire lab itself was completely blown up several times - only to be completely forgotten about or ignored in following episodes.  This show could have gone forever as one of the greatest and funniest absurd things ever. Alas, the voice actor who played the main character, Captain Hank Murphy (Harry Goz) died in 2003 and attempts to keep the show going without him quickly unraveled as he was the most hilarious part and the glue that held the whole thing together.

Daddy needs his feel-good juice. 

Ed Ranks the Continents

You'd think people would know what the Continents are, but there are actually a couple of different definitions that include as few as four and as many as seven continents. Is Eurasia just one continent? Since Africa is joined to the Middle East at the Sinai Peninsula - does that mean Eurasia-Africa is all one super continent? Are North and South America one continent because they're connected at Panama? "No," is my answer to these questions. I will go with the seven continents that I learned in school. Because.

Oh, and another thing - I'm ranking continents simply by aspects related to their geography. Does the continent have an interesting shape? Are there diverse geographic features? Etc.  I'm not ranking people on the continent, this has nothing to do with the human beings that live there. Just so we're clear on that.

Look, a filthy pink brain with a brainstem hanging from it.

7. Antarctica  - This continent is stupid and just made of snow and rocks. You can't even live there without dying unless you're a penguin. And are you a penguin? Of course not, because penguins can't read.  And Antarctica doesn't even have a monopoly on Penguins since Australia and South America also has those. This continent is so lame that it's just thrown at the bottom of the map and stretched out to a shape that looks nothing like Antarctica actually looks. What does it actually look like then? One of those brains sitting in a vat of liquid from a bad sci-fi movie, that's what. 

6. Australia - Too small. How do you have a continent that is also a country? I know some people also say "Oceania" is part of this continent because it's part of the "continental shelf," but I'm not ranking continental shelfs. They've got jungle and dessert but everyone else does too. Beyond that what do they have? Ayers Rock?  If that thing were on any other continent it would only be the 20th most interesting rock.  And I know I said I wouldn't rank anything based on people, but it's also the lowest inhabited continent. I'll justify including that reasoning in this ranking as the low population being based on limited geographic benefits to have life even habitat most areas of this place. 

5. Europe - Europe looks super ugly. I mean it's just an unappealing looking shape. Italy looks like a boot, Spain sticks out too, and those Nordic countries look like some crazy two-headed penis. Yeah, it does. Its mountains aren't the highest mountains, it's forests aren't the thickest forests, it's plains aren't the largest plains, etc.  Europe is just totally average. The only good thing about it is coast. It has a higher ratio of coast to landmass than any other continent. 

Ye Olde Northe Americae Mappe. 

4. North America - Nice variety of stuff going on here. It's generally green and flat to the east, mountainous in the west, and icy up top. It's also got a lot of cool looking features like the Hudson Bay, Great Lakes, Gulf of Mexico, Alaska, and so on. But like Europe it doesn't really have the biggest or best of anything. North America is like getting the sampler platter at a restaurant to get a bit of a taste for everything. 

3. South America - It's so green and jungle-ey on a map from space, but that's changing soon from all the destruction of the forests. Sad. It's got the biggest and most diverse rain forest (Amazon), the biggest river (Amazon) and the biggest waterfall (Angel Falls), and the longest mountain range (Andes) - so it's got those things going for it. It's also Africa's twin and the two fit together like puzzle pieces. Which is so aborbs!

2. Asia - Asia is the biggest continent, but a picture of it as a stand-alone continent is sort of odd-looking because that whole Eurasia thing. Let's be honest here, Europe and Asia are totally just one continent and I'm not sure why we arbitrarily cut it in half.  But again, that's what I learned in school so that's how I'm doing it (e.g. just cut Russia right in half because FUCK THEM). Asia is pretty awesome. Because of how huge it is (30% of all landmass on Earth) there is a lot of diversity. The Middle East is part of Asia, the Indian Subcontinent, Southeast Asia, Korean Peninsula, etc.  It's got deserts (Gobi, Arabian), plains, rain forests (Southeast Asia is almost nothing but!), and mountains (the Himalayas between Nepal and China several of the highest mountains in the world - including the highest, Everest). 

See? Even NASA thinks it's the coolest. 

1. Africa - The other half to the continental drift jigsaw puzzle, Africa is really cool looking. First off, it's huge. Much bigger than you think. Not as big as Asia, although most maps distort Africa to look smaller than it is. Is that part of a racist conspiracy? Not really, as that distortion was actually helpful for navigation purposes back in the day and it's tough to find any sort of way to take a 3D spherical object and lay it on a 2D rectangle and to not distort everything. At least Africa didn't totally get screwed on those maps like Antarctica. It's the only continent to stretch from the northern temperate to southern temperate climates and so it's got everything from tropical to subarctic temperatures (and massive biological diversity because of that geographic diversity). The Sahara Desert is the largest desert on Earth, because I don't count cold weather wastelands like Antarctica as deserts, no matter what some people try to say. But basically, Africa just looks really cool, right? I what other continent is worn as a pendant or puts on T-shirts? True, there are other socio-political-historical reasons that this is done, but honestly nobody would have started doing this unless the continent didn't already look cool. And those famous NASA money shots looking back on Earth usually always include Africa in them. Now if I was ranking the continents by including human factors such as GDP, democracy, life expectancy, quality of life, and people not dying of Ebola... then yeah, obviously this place would be a shithole at the bottom.