Ed Ranks Fictional Seafood Wars

Allergy Warning: This ranking contains pictures of fish.

Do you remember those news stories last summer about the "Scallop War?" No? Well, go ahead and click these hyperlinks that I conveniently just included in this ranking for you.

Have you read them yet?

If not, read them. You'll need them for context.

Is your context acquired?

Great! Either way, even if you didn't read it. Because who cares if you read it anyway! Here are 20 other seafood wars that happened throughout history, with the slight qualification that I'm making them all up on the spot and none of these events actually happened.

20. Salmon Battle (2008) - This one just involved a couple of Oregon rednecks on the Columbia River who went done and got a couple of black bears to fight one another over a wheelbarrow full of delicious salmon. That is until officers from the Oregon State Office for the US Fish and Wildlife Service showed up and broke the whole thing up. So this one is pretty anticlimactic, really.

19. Mako Strike (2004) - After the initially successful use of the U.S. Navy Marine Mammal Program (NMMP) in deactivating antiship mines and booby traps set up in Iraq, Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Vern Clark approved the creation of a team of mako sharks to be an elite attack force. After launching one strike against the insurgent Iraqi forces, the program was abandoned because mako sharks are crazy as hell and don't listen to orders. Hasn't anyone seen deep blue sea?

18. Mussel Massacre of 2008 - After a heated debate between representatives from Belgium and New Zealand, each claiming their mussels to be more delicious, a Maori delegate to the UN snaps and kills 26 Belgian diplomats. Belgium does nothing about it because, honestly, does anyone at all fear being attacked by fucking Belgium?

Darius the Great.

17. Oyster Assault, 490 BC  - In the definitive battle of the first Persian Invasion of Greece, King Darius I is devastated when Miltiades the Younger of Athens lunges 4,000 tons of oysters at his army. Needless to say, the Persians retreated because those oyster shells have really sharp edges.

16. Skirmish of Char (2005) - In the FUTURISTIC YEAR of 2005, the Decepticons have retreated from Cybertron and now live on the rocky planet Charr. Wanting to defeat the Decepticons once and for all, the Autobots decide to launch an assault on Charr. Unfortunately, Optimus Prime decides that fucking WARPATH gets to lead the assault. POW! Needless to say, Warpath is a moron. KAPLAM! Instead of attacking the planet Charr, Warpath accidentally attacks char, the genus of salmonid fish known in Latin as Salvelinus, although commonly referred to commercial as "trout."  ZANG! KABLAM-O! The Deceptions therefore escape and we get Season 3 of Transformers.

15. Lobster Crusade of 1192 - Following his treaty with Saladin and guaranteeing the free passage of Christians to Jerusalem, ending the Third Crusade, King Richard I (aka Lionheart) was super psyched to go back home to England. Do you know what else he was psyched to do? Tell those fucking assholes in Maine that their lobster is bullshit and only tastes good after a ton of butter is drenched all over it. Richard immediately declared war on Maine, a territory that England would not itself definitely control for another 571 years (the end of the French and Indian War). Richard was always ahead of his time. But before he could sail across the Atlantic in an unprecedented move that English sailors were not yet capable of doing, Richard would be captured by Leopold V, Duke of Austria and held for ransom until Michaelmas of 1194. Thus ended the abortive Lobster Crusade of 1192.

14. Kipper Carnage of 1991 - On March 15, 1991, the day after the airing of "Dimension Jump" (episode five of Series IV of the British sci-fi comedy Red Dwarf), an obsessed fan named Oliver Smith (which is, like, the most English name ever), goes around smacking everyone in the rural village of Wapley, South Gloucestershire, with kippers (smoked herring). After smacking dozens of people in the head with kippers, he's eventually arrested and sentenced to die. That's right. The punishment for smacking someone in the head with a kipper in Wapley in 1991 was death. I dare you to dedicate enough time to research that to figure out if it's true or not. Which it's not. Because the title of this ranking specifically says "fictional," and to further clarify, in the introduction I also stated, "I'm making these all up on the spot and none of these events actually happened."

13. Crab Clash of 1815 - The 16th Brigade of Prussian Field Marshal Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher decimates the resurgent forces of Napoleon at Waterloo by sending a bunch of snippy-snappy crabs into the French Imperial Guard's camp. The crabs, obviously, pinch all of the Frenchmen who throw up white flags and surrender because being pinched by crabs is super painful and shit.

Diocletian's Palace, where the deadly assault occurred.

12. Dalmatian Calamari Fray of 305 - After Roman Emperor Diocletian abdicated the throne and retired to his palace on the Dalmatian coast (modern day Split, Croatia) in 305, he was expecting asome peace and quiet at last. But that wasn't to be the case, as Constantine was furious that Valerius Severus was declared as the new emperor instead of himself. In jealousy, Constantine sent agents to poison all of the calamari being served at Diocletian's Palace. Little did Constantine know that Diocletian thought that calamari tasted like "rubbery horse ass," and he didn't eat any of it. While many of Diocletian's advisors died, he remained safe himself and lived for several more years.

11. Tuna Onslaught of 1967 - Initially when Aquaman heard that there was a group called the "Awesome Threesome," he was super psyched and wanted to check it out. But then he learned that it was a group of robotic villains that wanted to attack Atlantis, and he was less happy. Fortunately, Aquaman can talk to fish and stuff like that, so he ordered a bunch of Atlantic Bluefin Tuna (which can weigh over 800 pounds!!!) to crash themselves into the trio of evil robots. Needless to say, there is only so much damage that even metal robots can take after they've been repeatedly bashed up by massive, 800+ pound tuna. The Awesome Threesome was never seen again.

This ceviche is from Peru. If you care.

10. Ceviche Scrimmage, 2015 - In a contest hosted by Colombian chef Eduardo Martinez (leader of the “nuevo Colombiano” cuisine revolution and owner of Mini-mal restaurant in Bogota), famous rival chefs from Peru and Chile faced off to see who could make the tastiest ceviche in South America. The end result is NOBODY CARES because this isn't a damn food blog. Do you want to read a food blog instead? Here you go: Beer & Pork Belly is the best food blog in the world. Ever. Enjoy it.

9.  Fight for Shrimp (2018) - When the Red Lobster in Twelve Oaks Mall (Novi, Michigan) opened for business on Saturday, November 17, 2018, a very fat man name Gary came up and asked if they still has the "Endless Shrimp" deal going on. Now, times are really hard for restaurants these days with the economy and all. So the person working at the front was like, "No, sorry." They could tell this fatass would suck them dry.  But Gary had just seen the commercials and wanted that endless shrimp. They again refused him, citing that Twelves Oaks Mall had just increased their rent, and the local franchise owner had recently taken a pretty big financial hit with all his stock in Sears and everything. Furious, Gary took his fight to court and sued Red Lobster. Usually these things take years to settle themselves out in court, but this one went straight to the Supreme Court when Brett Kavanaugh saw that Gary had a pretty hot lawyer that maybe he could expose his penis to her and sexually assault her while drunk. After arguments from both sides, the Supreme Court decided that Red Lobster can't deny someone unlimited shrimp just because they are SUPER fat. I'm not sure how I feel about that, because I can feel both sides of the argument, ya know.

8. Sashimi Barrage (1904) - When Captain Hikojirō Ijichi of the Japanese pre-dreadnaught battleship Mikasa engaged with Russian Naval forces at Port Arthur in 1904, he ran out of ammunition for his 8-inch guns. Not wanting to appear foolish in front of Admiral Tōgō Heihachirō, he loaded up all his crew's sashimi rations are fired them at the Russians. It was largely ineffective with the Russians simply saying, "Eww, what is this? Raw fish? Nasty!" Although one Russian Commander slipped on some eel, smashed his head against a pipe, and died. So that was pretty cool.

7. Flounder Bombing (1975) - in January of 1975, an explosion at the U.S. State Department headquarters in Washington, DC destroyed nearly two dozen offices on three different floors. Luckily, nobody was killed in the attack, which the domestic terrorist organization "Weather Underground" took credit for (this was before they decided to change their ways and create a website to tell people the weather). When FBI forensic analysts reconstructed the bomb, they discovered that the bomb was 100% made out of flounder. Yep. The wires? Flounder wires. The dynamite? Flounder dynamite. It doesn't seem to make any sense, does it? But that's what they found. A flounder bomb.

Seriously though, it's better than clam chowder.

6. Cullen Skink Attack of 2006 - One day in 2006, an American tourist walked into a pub in Glasgow and ordered a bowl of cullen skink. He had it and said to the waiter, "This is okay, but I don't think it's as good as New England Clam Chowder." The waiter immediately threw the scalding hot bowl of cullen skink into the man's face and beat him so harshly that the man needed to be taken to the hospital. Strathclyde Police investigated and almost arrested the waiter until they learned the story of what happened. After which, the Strathclyde Policeman ALSO punched the American tourist in the face and simply said, "Welcome to Glasgow, bitch!" The American tourist was deported and both the waiter and the policemen were knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 

5. [Classified] - Sorry, the CIA made me remove this ranking. It's apparently still classified until 2037. It involved a bunch of mackerel, Ronald Reagan, and the Sandinista National Liberation Front. I dare not say any more.

4. The Great Amberjack Strife of 1892 - As anyone who has read Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" knows, working conditions in factories in the late 19th century weren't pretty. The workers at the Swift & Company slaughterhouse in Fort Worth, TX had it no different than anyone else, but at least they were given some tasty amberjack as part of their work rations at lunchtime. Honestly, these guys were seeing and slaughtering cattle all day and got pretty tired of eating beef. And since Gustavus Swift had built a global empire on refrigerated container cars, it was pretty easy for him to source fish from the coasts for delivery to his workers in the middle of Texas. But when Swift & Company cut the amberjack rations in half, the slaughterhouse workers went on strike. Swift attempted to hire scabs to cross the picket line, but threats from the picketing workers largely scared them all off. President Benjamin Harrison almost intervened by sending the military down to Fort Worth to bust the strike, but held off in fear of lowering his already poor poll numbers in Texas (which was firmly behind former President Cleveland in the upcoming Presidential Election of 1892). Finally, Swift & Co. relented and restored the workers' amberjack rations to their initial level.

3. Perch Blitzkrieg (1940) - Beginning in May 1940, the Germans launched a six-week assault on France and the low countries in what would become known as the "Battle of France" or the "Fall of France." While Hitler's tactics in the invasion of France after his forces crossed the Maginot Line differed somewhat from his earlier invasion of Poland, no German strategy was stranger and more confusing than his "Perch Blitzkrieg," in which the Germans attacked French forces with millions and millions of perch. The French, of course, simply took the delicious fish and made Perch á la Meuniér.

2. Paella Sortie of 1668 - After years of conflict there was still no end in sight to the devastating war of Portuguese Restoration. Finally, António Luís de Meneses, 1st Marquess of Marialva (and General in the Portuguese Army) challenged John of Austria the Younger (General and bastard son to King Philip IV of Spain) to a Paella cook-off that would determine: A) which country had the best paella, and B) the independence or continued subjugation of Portugal the Spanish crown. Well, Portugal is a country today, so you can pretty much figure out that António won the sortie.

RIP Steve. We miss you.

1. Barramundi Conflict (2002) - When the government of Australia learned in 2002 that the Tri Marine International seafood company had been mislabeling Nile Perch as "Barramundi" for sale in the United States, it initially tried to respond to the offense with words. Once Tri Marine International responded negatively to Australia's complaints, and indicated that it would continue to sell their shitty gutterfish perch that way, Australia had no choice but to send in their most valuable operative, Steve Irwin, to kick the shit out of Tri Marine's CEO. Once ol' Steve-o had their CEO tied up in ropes and being slowly lowered into a pit of hungry crocs, the CEO relented and promised that only the (sustainably-sourced) Pacific species Lates calcarifer would be sold under the name "Barrimundi" in the future.

Ed Ranks Playable Characters in Maniac Mansion

Protip: Don't microwave the pool water.

Maniac Mansion (1987) is a graphic adventure game produced by LucasFilm Games (now LucasArts).  I was absolutely obsessed with the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) port of the game. Why? Because it had multiple endings, and multiple ways to achieve those endings based on which characters you chose to play with. It also had "cut scenes" (cinematic stories that interrupted your game play to move the plot along) long before most other video games did. Another cool aspect is that you have to switch between the multiple characters you choose for the game (3) and have them do different tasks at different times to finish out a story - so team work is required and you need to position your characters appropriately to perform various tasks throughout the mansion. 

If you're not familiar, the plot is this:

20 years ago, a meteor from outer-space crashed near the mansion of Dr. Fred Edison and his family. But it wasn't just any meteor, it was an EVIL, BRAIN-CONTROLLING METEOR! It took over Dr. Fred's mind and had him start kidnapping people to perform experiments on their brains.  Dr. Fred's family are also a bunch of fucking weirdos. I'm not sure if that has to do with the Evil Meteor or if they were always just weirdos. Also he has two pet tentacles - a Green Tentacle and a Purple Tentacle - that act as henchmen. Or, in the case of Green Tentacle, fairly useless house guest (think Kato Kaelin, but in the form of the arm of an invertebrate that might be featured in Japanese pornography). Anyway, a cheerleader named Sandy is kidnapped by Dr. Fred, and Sandy's boyfriend, Dave, decides to rally a team of exactly TWO friends to help save her from the aforementioned Maniac Mansion.

Oh, you can also kill a hamster in a microwave. That was pretty controversial.

While I could rank the "endings" of this awesome game (as I did with Bandersnatch), I think instead I'll rank those select-able characters. Here they is:

7. Dave - You have no choice but to have Dave. Dave is the "main character" and Sandy's boyfriend. But Dave is, within the game, completely useless. Most characters in the game have a "thing" they are able to do, which makes them special and allows for a different ending to the game (or a different way to get to the ending). Dave is not able to do anything special that any other character you select cannot do. As I discussed when talking about Final Fantasy XII, the main character is often the most boring character.

6. Jeff - Jeff is a surfer dude / stoner. He does almost absolutely nothing. Like Dave, he has no significant impact on your ability to win the game. Since the game makes you select three different characters, it is winnable no matter what selection of three you pick. That is because the remaining five characters that I have not talked about yet all have special abilities that will allow you to win. So if you select Dave, Jeff, and a third character... then the third character is how you're going to win because these two are crap.  Oh, Jeff is marginally better than Dave because he has the ability to fix a telephone. You don't need to fix the telephone to win the game though. Fixing the telephone DOES make the game easier, because you can prank call Edna (Dr. Fred's wife) and distract her in order to steal a key from her room. But Edna also kidnaps the kids wandering around the mansion when she sees them and takes them to a dungeon. So if you properly position two characters, you can have one get caught and taken to the dungeon by her (you can then have another character break them free after) and have the other character sneak into her room and take the key while she's going down to the dungeon. In some versions of the game, all of the characters have noticeable footsteps as they walk, except for Jeff because he's barefooted. While this could have been worked into the plot of the game somehow as an awesome stealth power that Jeff has to sneak around where other characters can't - it isn't and there is unfortunately no payoff to Jeff's quiet feet.

5. Syd - Syd plays music. He seems like some sort of New Wave / Flock of Seagulls / Pop-Synth musician. Syd is okay. Syd's ability to end the game depends on his music skills. Through his music skills, you are able to get a demo tape from the Green Tentacle (he's sort of a music junkie). Then you can send that demo tape to "Three Guys Who Publish Anything," a company that, well, publishes anything. They will love that shit and send you a contract.  Once you give that contract to Green Tentacle, he will be your best friend and help you break into Dr. Fred's lair to defeat the Meteor and win the game.  The final obstacle preventing you from getting into Dr. Fred's lair to defeat the Evil Meteor and save Sandy is always the Purple Tentacle, so you will always need to get someone on "your side" to cockblock the Purple Tentacle and let you pass. The music contract way of doing it is cool, and therefore Syd is okay.  The problem? He's a repeat character. There is another character with the exact same qualities as Syd, who can win the game through this method.

4. Michael - Michael is a photographer. Michael also has a cool way to end the a game and get past Purple Tentacle. Dr. Fred's son, Weird Ed, is a psycho paramilitary commando nut... but he's also at least sane enough to see that his dad has gone crazy and he wants to help "save" him. Michael is able to develop some photos for Weird Ed, that will get Weird Ed on your side. Then he'll be the one (vice Green Tentacle) to come down and help you push Purple Tentacle out of the way to confront Dr. Fred and the Evil Meteor.

3. Wendy - Wendy is a writer who aspires to be a novelist. I'll be honest, Wendy is the character I probably used the least when I played this as a kid because she seemed the most boring. But her endings are actually kind of awesome and she actually has TWO DIFFERENT ENDINGS, if you're smart enough to also use a Bernard-Wendy combo with Dave. Anyway, the Evil Meteor is, in addition to being evil, sort of an aspiring writer. But he sucks at spellchecking and editing (much like me, as you can tell if you've read this blog)! Wendy can fix up a manuscript you find written by the Evil Meteor, send it to deliver it to "Three Guys Who Publish Anything," and get a contract for the Evil Meteor that will make him famous and get him on a Late Night TV show! Just give this contract to Purple Tentacle at the end of the game, he'll give it to the Evil Meteor, and the Evil Meteor will renounce his ways, free Sandy, and turn good in order to become a famous author. Nice, huh?  I mentioned a second ending as well, but I'll get to that when I talk about Bernard, because he's required for the second "secret" Wendy ending.

2. Razor - Remember everything I said about Syd above? The same goes for Razor. Razor is also a musician. But rather than being a Flock of Seagulls-type musician, Razor is a badass sexy ginger metal rockstar who wears tight black leather. Why the hell would you want to play with Syd if you can play with Razor instead? Razor can get the publishing contract for Green Tentacle and win the game, only she can do it while you listen to a better music soundtrack the whole time.  Oh yeah, each character has their own theme music that you get to hear when you're playing with them. Razor's is obviously the most awesome. Also, players in the game are totally killable in different ways (you might want to kill Dave just for the hell of it, because Dave sucks). If you kill all the characters you have except for Razor and then end the game, there is a quasi-secret ending which implies that Razor and Sandy hook up. HAWT.

1. Bernard

Yes, disco does suck. Good call, Green Tentacle.

Bernard is the dork/nerd/loser. But he's great! After I figured out his skills, I think I usually selected him in every single game I played (no matter what ending I wanted to get). He's clearly the best and most competent character. Given his nerdery, he can fix broken things that nobody else can fix. That means he can fix the telephone that Jeff can fix to make the game a little easier, but he's also able to fix a radio that Jeff has no clue what to do with.  What good is the radio? Well, it gives you the super awesome (my favorite) "Meteor Police" ending. What's that? Well, remember how there is an evil meteor from outer-space who is your enemy? That's appatently not an isolated thing. In space, there must be so many evil, brain-controlling meteors that an elite team of space cops named the Meteor Police have been set up to counter them.  When you fix the radio, you can send a message to space and let the Meteor Police know what's going on.  Then, when you show up to Dr. Fred's lair and get stopped by the Purple Tentacle, the Meteor Police will show up just in time to save the day and arrest him. Sweet, right?  Well, that's not all. Let's go back to Wendy.  If you select both Bernard and Wendy as your team members, then you can still have Wendy re-write the Evil Meteor's manuscript and make him a famous writer that appears on a Late Night TV show. But right before you go in to give the manuscript to the Purple Tentacle to make the Evil Meteor famous, go ahead and have Bernard call the Meteor Police too.  Then, in the middle of the talk show appearance on live TV, the Meteor Police will bust onto the set and still arrest the Evil Meteor. Bernard rocks so hard that when they gave Maniac Mansion a sequel, they made Bernard the main character. The only thing they did to Bernard, which was slightly annoying, was that they made him a "wimp," which essentially just meant that the first time he runs into the Green Tentacle monster he runs away like a coward. Oh well, I guess he has to have some flaw.

Ed Ranks Eponymous Songs

Every come up with a phrase that you think is really cool - but can't decide whether to make that the name of a song that or band does, or just go ahead and name your entire band that? No?  Well, sometimes people say "WHY NOT BOTH?" and name both their band and a song released by their band the same thing.

These are the top 12 eponymous songs, which share a name with the band that released the song.

12. Public Enemy [No. 1] (Public Enemy) - Okay, maybe this one doesn't quite count because the group's name is Public Enemy, and the song's name is technically Public Enemy No. 1. Close enough though, right? Let's put it in last place because that technicality.

Basically Hannah Montana, but in the 60s.

11. The Monkees (The Monkees) - That's right, the theme song to "The Monkees" is technically named, "The Monkees," which means that "The Monkees" is by "The Monkees." Isn't that fun? See what we're doing here? Some people call this song "Hey Hey We're the Monkees" or "(Theme from) The Monkees," but since that "Theme to" part is only in parentheses, technically the name is just "The Monkees."  Anyway, The Monkees are terrible. So this is #11.

10. Damn Yankees (Damn Yankees) - Damn Yankees released a song called "Damn Yankees." Is it good? Maybe. I mean they were a supergroup. But then again, I refuse to rank the violently insane Ted Nugent in single digits, so he's just going to have to sit here in double-digit territory.

9. They Might Be Giants (They Might Be Giants) - They Might Be Giants has an eponymous song too! Yeah. They do. It's going to be hard to look up on Google or YouTube though. Because when the song name and the band name are the same thing, search engines think you're just being stupid. But you're not. Because this is an actual thing. So dig through and you can find it.

8. Porno For Pyros (Porno For Pyros) - You might better know Porno For Pyros as "Basically Jane's Addition." Why? Because it's basically Jane's Addiction. Did you know that Perry Farrell named the band after viewing an ad for fireworks in a pornographic magazine? Well, the internet says that's where the name come from, so it must be true.

7. Meat Puppets (Meat Puppets) - There would be no grunge music without the Meat Puppets, so we've got to be happy that they existed.  Remember that Lake of Fire song? Yeah, that's the Meat Puppets. You might think it's a Nirvana song, but they only did a cover.  By the way, speaking of grunge music, this seems like the perfect time you remind you all that THE STONE TEMPLE PILOTS ARE THE GREATEST GRUNGE BAND EVER. There, I said it. Again. I'm sorry. Those are just the facts. Chris Cornell was so sad that I ranked Soundgarden as #4 that... he had a very bad evening that day but forgot about it the next day. Why? What did you think I was going to say? Did you think I was going to make a suicide joke? Of course not, you sick fuck. You're disgusting. I'd like you to stop reading my blog immediatly and think about your life. 

6. Kool & The Gang (Kool and the Gang) - The first song on Kool and the Gang's first album is titled "Kool & The Gang."  Now, technically there are some minor differences there. The album's cover clearly shows the name of the band spelling out the word "and" rather than using an ampersand (like the song does),  and it also spells "the" with a lower "t" rather than a capital "T" (like the song does). Is that enough to matter? Of course it's not, stop being a Grammar Nazi.  

The EXACT OPPOSITE of The Monkees.

5. Motörhead (Motörhead) - Yep, Motörhead has a song named "Motörhead." RIP Lemmy. But it's only the 5th best eponymous song. Sorry. 

4. Iron Maiden (Iron Maiden) - I mean it's sort of hard to rank this song way down at #4 because Iron Maiden IS THE BEST!!!! But just wait for the top three, and maybe you'll appreciate what I'm going with here.

3. Black Sabbath (Black Sabbath) - Yep, Black Sabbath's first album was called "Black Sabbath" and that album's first song was called "Black Sabbath."  Because these guys were really, really, really into the name "Black Sabbath" apparently, what with Ozzy and Geezer doing crap like painting their entire house place, placing inverted crosses on the walls, practicing the occult, and decorating the homes with pictures of Satan. Hrm. I'm starting to think these crazy heavy metal guys might be into some of that devil stuff or something.

Buddy Holly stole this brother's look.

2. Bo Diddley (Bo Diddley) - Bo Diddley invented the genre of just naming a song after yourself. He didn't even need a band or anything. He just named it after himself like a crazy egomaniac. Which is AWESOME. He is indeed a rock pioneer. I do not endorse square guitars though.  If I had thought about Bo Diddley's hideous square guitar when I was ranking guitars, I most definitely would have placed it as just barely better than a hideous double-necked guitar.

1. Bad Company (Bad Company) - Yep, this is a great song. Deal with it. Is Bad Company a better band than Iron Maiden? Of course not. But Bad Company's "Bad Company" is a better eponymous song. It's, like, their best song. Don't be hatin' on Paul Rodgers, shorty.

Ed Ranks XFL Team Names

This picture captions itself, so why bother?

Well, it looks like there is going to be another shitty XFL next year. They've already begun announcing what cities will get new XFL teams in 2020, but those cities don't have any names for their teams yet.  So let's take this opportunity to rank the terrible, terrible team names of the failed 2001 league.

8. New York/New Jersey Hitmen - First of all, this is terrible because they picked two different states to name the team after in a desperate attempt to make residents of both states think it is "their" team. Just pick one. And then there is the "Hitmen" part, glorifying organized crime and murder. Geesh. Way to be "edgy" XFL. You're sooooo cooooool.

7. Memphis Maniax - That's right, "Maniacs," but spelled incorrectly with an "X" at the end. Because everything was X-TREME in the late 1990's and early 2000's. Speaking of which...

6. Los Angeles Xtreme - Hey, what's a way we can make our team name sound XTREME?! How about we name them XTREME?! YEAAHHH!!!!!!! *pops a Mountain Dew and gets on a skateboard*

5. Birmingham Thunderbolts - Putting aside the fact that putting a supposedly "professional" sports team in Alabama is a terrible idea, "Thunderbolts" is a super lazy name that involved having a helmet with thunderbolts on it. Yep. And what does Thunderbolts have to do with Alabama? But then again, I guess they couldn't have named their Alabama sports team the "Birmingham Under-Employed, Low-Income, Restrictive Voter ID Law-Having, Immigrant-Hating, Trailer Park Trash with a Vaguely Disguised Neo-Confederate Flag Warriors." Or could they have? Because that would have probably appealed to most XFL fans. SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL!!!!!!!11one

4. Orlando Rage - The Orlando Rage just need to go to some counselors to figure their life out. Maybe learn meditation? At any rate, I pretty much hate all team names that are concepts rather than plural nouns. Your team name should represent things that actually exist and be plural. Bulls. Chargers. Wizards. Falcons. Canadiens. Braves. Stars. Lakers. Cardinals. Some of these names are good, some are bad, and one is kind of racist. But they are all acceptably plural nouns.

3. San Francisco Demons - I'll accept this, but it's not very specific. I'd like a little more information on what type of demons these guys represent? "Demons" by themselves are not very specific. Are they Barongs? Krampuses? Leviathans? Succubi? Ankou? Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan? Inquiring minds need to know. Some demons are definitely of the "will kill you and obliterate your soul" type of wear level and others are more like, "Oh, how moderately annoying."

The Chicago Fisters?

2. Chicago Enforcers - Yeah, I guess this is an okay team name. It's honestly no worse than a lot of professional sports franchise names. It sounds aggressive and offensive (not as in "will offend someone," but as in "we're on the offensive and ready to strike!").  That's a good thing for a football team. I guess. Although the logo? Yikes. Good thing I'm not ranking logos.


1. Las Vegas Outlaws 

Sure. This fits the theme of the city pretty well. A vague hint of criminality (much better than "Hitmen") mixed with a "Yee haw, this is the Ole West! We got tumbleweeds and cattle skull!"

Ed Ranks Characters in The Princess Bride

This is a great movie and if you need any explanation for what this is or why I am doing it, then you should not be reading this. 

10. The Grandson (Fred Savage) - Sorry to rank you last, Fred. But everyone is great in this movie, so you're just going to have to be in last place.  Really, you're just a framing device added to the movie. You and your Grandpa weren't even in the book. You're a kid who is reluctant to hear a story with a bunch of kissing, but are eventually won over in the end. I guess you serve your purpose in the film, and it wouldn't be quite as good without you.

9. Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon) - He's the overall villain in the film, and usually the "big bad" is better and more interesting than his mere henchmen. In this case, he's not. He's just a bit of an arrogant foppish dandy who is willing to lie and kill to get what he wants.  And what he wants is an excuse to go to war with their neighboring rivals, Guilder, by framing them for the kidnapping and murder of his bride.

8. Grandpa/The Narrator (Peter Falk) - As with his grandson, Columbo is really just a framing device for the story. But he's charming as hell and I suppose their is a fan theory out there that he is supposed to be an older version of Westley because he tells his grandson "as you wish" at the end of the film. Do I believe that? Not really. He's just saying a line from the story, people!

7. Buttercup AKA The Princess Bride (Robin Wright) - The titular character of the film (but not the actual protagonist) is coming in only at seventh place.  No offense, but Robin Wright is very much being the stereotypical "damsel in distress" that needs to be saved - so in some ways Buttercup is more of a trope than a developed character. Westley had to save her from almost everything (Rodents of Unusual Size, Humperdink), and really her only attempt to save herself from a bad situation is to kill herself.

6. Miracle Mac & Valerie (Billy Crystal & Carol Kane) - Sure, these two will just be lumped together because they belong lumped together. By themselves, the characters would be "meh," but together they are great. From "mostly dead," to "mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwiches," to "you ARE the brute squad", to "to blave" (AKA "to bluff") and to "LIIIAAAAARRRRR!!!" these two characters are amazing movie quote-generating machines. Billy Crystal's best work ever, obviously.

Kinky?

5. Westley AKA The Dread Pirate Roberts AKA The Man in Black (Cary Elwes) - Westley is the main character and is obviously a great character.  But as with his love Buttercup, he's slightly more one dimensional when compared to some of the supporting cast.  He's witty and hilarious, but he really needs to play off others in order to do so.  The whole passing on the pirate title thing is great, and you know if this movie came out today they'd try to ruin it with mandatory sequels and prequels about other Dread Pirate Robertses. Actually, I'll stop talking about this now lest Hollywood get ideas since that might still be in their plans.

4. Count Rugen (Christopher Guest) - Ah, the man with six fingers.  Really just Humperdink's henchman, he's actually a lot more interesting. Why? Well, because Christopher Guest is awesome for one, and plays the hell out of this character. Other reasons? He's a sadistic weirdo who is into the scientific study of pain (if you can call creating torture machines "science," which I do).  He murdered Inigo Montoya's father for the pettiest of bitch reasons (he was too cheap to pay for a special six-fingered sword that was designed just for him). And, well, he has some badass sword-fighting scenes in the film.

3. Vizzini (Wallace Shawn) - Wallace Shawn doesn't make it too far into the movie, but he definitely steals a chunk of the show with his overly confident, duplicitous Sicilian kidnapper. Vizzini and his two henchmen (Fezzik and Inigo, see below) are part of the plot to kidnap the Princess and frame Guilder for the murder. The two henchmen aren't really aware of the overall plan though - only this cocky dick who finds it... well... inconceivable that anyone is more intelligent than him. And now nobody can actually say that word anymore without thinking of this movie. I guess the weirdest thing about this character is that everybody else are clearly from fictional fairy tale lands and kingdoms, and this dude is just straight up Sicilian.  It would be like if Game of Thrones introduced a character who was Puerto Rican.

2. Fezzik (André the Giant) - So let me sort of just lump André the Giant's Fezzik and Mandy Patinkin's Inigo Montoya together here in this description a bit.  The two are essentially a buddy comedy act duo in a film where neither of them get top billing.  They aren't the titular characters, nor the main protagonists.  But largely, Inigo's revenge quest to kill the six-fingered man frames the film just as much as the narrator & grandson and Westley's quest for love. What's especially interesting about the two is that they start off the film as adversaries to Westley, and fight against him before they eventually join his side.  That always makes for interesting, effective, and charming story-telling.  Now, more specifically about Fezzik - well, he's the actual heart of the film.  He's the moral compass in more ways than either Westley or Buttercup, and overcomes his henchman ways to show that a huge, strong "brute" can actually be a delicate and thoughtful man. A delicate and thoughtful man who can throw enormous stones and scare the shit out of people.

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father, prepare to die.

1. Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) 

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. etc.

Ed Ranks New Years Resolutions

Happy January 8! Do you know what January 8 means?

If you guessed "the 93rd anniversary of Crown Prince Nguyễn Phúc Vĩnh Thuỵ's ascession to the throne of Vietnam" then you are... uh... well... I guess you're right. But that's not what I was going for.  What I was going for is "today is the day you've probably broken every single last one of your New Years Resolutions."

Yeah, that didn't last long.  It never does. Which is why I never make resolutions. Hey, don't beat yourself up. A whole week and one day is pretty good!

I've taken a list of the Top 10 "most common" New Years resolutions (from last year, but whatever... they are generally always the same) and I've ranked them in order of how good of a resolution they are.

10. Make New Friends - Gross. Get MORE friends?  Interact with MORE human beings? No thank you. Unless making friends with doggos counts.

9.  Get a New Job - The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? I'm sorry to break this to you if you're in a miserable job - the next job will be miserable too. Unless your job is a some guy who tests beers to make sure they taste okay. But even then... you might still be screwed because you'll probably be hired by Budweiser.

This is how I visually represent "Save More Money."

8. Save More Money - What good is money if you don't spend it?  There is a good chance you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so you might as well spend it all now.

7. Take Up a New Hobby - I always hate it when you're asked the question "What are your hobbies?" Hobbies seem stupid to me.  My hobbies are 1) watching TV and 2) writing terrible blogs that I never do spellchecking or copy-editing on.  Why bother having a third hobby?

6. Eat Healthier - This can also be written as, "enjoy life less."

5. Read More - Knowledge is power, and I agree that most people probably do need to read more. Still, depdning on what you read this could go in the wrong direction. Classic literature? A good idea to read more of that. The article links that your racist uncles post on Facebook? Not so much.

Not pictured: Bacon pills.

4. Exercise More / Lose Weight - Yeah, sure. I guess this is a good idea. But wouldn't a much better resolution be "become a scientist that figures out a way to create a pill that makes you lose weight, and oh yeah, the pill tastes like delicious bacon."

3. Learn a New Skill - This is super broad, so I guess it can be good. It's sort of close to the "new hobby" one as well, but at least the word "skill" implies what you're going to do has some value or use.  I'll rank this one high because it's potential for good. But this one can go wrong too if your skill is something worthless like any mathematics other than tipping math (you will never use any of it in your life. Sorry).

2. Focus More on Self Care - In principle the concept of taking better care of yourself sounds good. Do stuff like sleep more, quit smoking, and stop injecting heroin into your veins. This is all good, right?  Sure it is! But I think that this one probably also includes stuff like "Drink Less," which is a non-starter for me.

1. Nah, I Don't Do New Years Resolutions - That's right, New Years resolutions are so worthless, that even within the list of New Years Resolutions that I used as my source, 32% of respondents answered with a simple "No." Presumably they then punched the person who surveyed them in their face. These are my people. I welcome you to 2019.

Ed Ranks Endings to Black Mirror: Bandersnatch

Occasionally I can be topical, so I might as well talk about this while it's still relevant.  I pretty much spent all of yesterday trying to figure out every "ending" I could to Netflix's new "Choose Your Own Adventure"-inspired episode (or "event," as the poster calls it) of Black Mirror, "Bandersnatch."

Oh, and SPOILERS by the way. So stop reading if you have any interest in watching (playing?) this.

As a quick 101 for anyone who hasn't seen it, but doesn't plan to and wants to read this while knowing what I'm talking about - the episode "Bandersnatch" is about a kid named Stephan who has found an old Choose Your Own Adventure book called "Bandersnatch" and wants to turn it into a video game, also called "Bandersnatch." Thus when I refer to "Bandersnatch" here, I'm either referring to the episode itself, or to the almost Shakespearean "game-within-the-game" itself (as the episode is basically a game). It's all about making a decision - at various times in the episode, you get to choose how the story goes. Based on the decisions you make, there will be different endings. Got all that?

After I think I got all of the endings, I checked the internet to see if I did, and I lacked a few. But the internet itself can't agree on how many endings there are.  Some are saying there are five "main" endings (endings that prompt a closing credits sequence, rather than just resetting you to go back and choose again). Other sources say there were ten "main" endings, or give different numbers from either of those. I think the primary difference between these numbers is that some people are interpreting multiple "kill dad" endings as the same kill dad ending. I see them as distinct, different ones.

From my count, I have found 16 endings. That might not be all of them, of course. I'm not going to make any distinction between the "reset" endings and the "main" endings.  But in 7 of the 16 endings, you make Stephan kill his dad.

This episode really, really, really wants you to kill Stephan's dad. A lot. 

So here are all the endings. Also, remember that free will is a lie.

16. Back off from Killing Dad 

With a very limited number of exceptions where you can "end" Bandersnatch in other ways, you're probably going to get to a point where Stephan becomes aware that he's being controlled and demands to know who is doing it ("Who's There?"). The most logical choice here is to select a little glyph that looks like a decision tree (which looks a little, but not quite, like "⅄"). I say this is the most logical, what with Stephan seeing the symbol over and over again, and it symbolically representing the different paths he can take in the episode. I've read that the Black Mirror creators says there is no "correct" way to end Bandersnatch, but going down the decision tree glyph sort of feels like it's the right way to go, and leads to one of the longer and more complex paths. But no matter what happens when you select the decision tree glyph path, you're going to be asked to kill Stephan's dad. You can refuse and it starts over again. Then it wants you to do it again. You still refuse. Is there some moral lesson to be learned about willpower? No. It's just a bland reset that takes you back. There is no way you can take this path and not have Stephan kill his dad. Which is super annoying and seems like a lazy cop out.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating?  N/A. Reset ending.

15. Who's There? P.A.C.S. Kill Dad. Dial Wrong Number. 

Okay, this one annoys me. You're given a code to type in. Let's say you type it in wrong because you're not paying attention or simply don't have enough time with your clunky remote. What's the difference between typing in the right code and the wrong code? Almost absolutely nothing. You still murder your dad, get caught, and go to jail. Why bother having this code thing at all if there is practically no difference between the two endings on if you type it in right or wrong (except for a little scene with a phone call)? The other version of this is ranked and explained a little bit below, and honestly I could have placed that version here at this low ranking instead of this one. It sort of doesn't matter which version I rank here. This is just a bit of a protest for the code meaning essentially jack shit.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes, you filthy, imprisoned dad murderer.
• What is its rating?  2.5

 14. Destroy Computer

Pretty much identical to the below "Throw Tea on Computer" option. The destruction of Stephan's computer is dumb and sends you back to a reset point. Alas, if you take a certain direction through the narrative, you will only get these two options... which will have you saying "Whhhaaaaaaaa?" if you've already done these two things and know they both send you to reset points. Fortunately, when you're given only both of these options, it's one of those false ones where Stephan is aware that you're controlling him and holds himself back.  Still, the "Throw Tea" option presents itself sooner in the narrative than this one, which means the "Destroy Computer" option is sort of a bland rehash.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating?  N/A. Reset ending.

13. Throw Tea on Computer

This options obviously destroys all of Stephan's work and is clearly another one of the "soft" / reset endings. Immediately after you do this, the episode is like "Okay, well that was stupid. How about we go back and try again?" Yep, that sounds about right. For reasons explained above, this one narrowly edges out "Destroy Computer."

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating?  N/A. Reset ending.

12. Take the Drug
I saw this option initially and went another way.  Then when I saw how those options went, I tried to go back and do this one but found that I couldn't. The "Take Drug" option didn't pop up at all. All I could do from the reset point now was throw it in the garbage or flush it down the toilet. After reading the internet, I leaned that this only pops up as an option if you haven't had Colin jump. So... there you go. If you want to go this way, don't make Colin jump. This one was a bit hard to find for me. 

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes! But it's fucking terrible because the medicine, like, stinted your creativity or something.
• What is its rating?  0/5

11. Who's There? P.A.C.S. Kill Dad. Dial 20541. 

This one is part two to #15 above. By the time you get to this ending (it's dependent on both talking about your mom to the psychologist and selecting to grab the book instead of the family photo), chances are that the episode has asked you to kill Stephan's dad about 4 times already. It really, really, really wants you to kill Stephan's dad. I'm not kidding about this. Well, if you go through with the P.A.C.S story, you don't even have a choice anymore and Stephan kills his dad no matter what. Which makes sense at this point, because this ending is DARK. Super, super, super dark. In the two P.A.C.S endings, you learn that your mom isn't actually your mom and that your dad and the psychologist are evil people who have been essentially torturing you for your entire life in a study which must be all sorts of illegal. THIS IS REALLY MESSED UP.  I should like this ending more though.  I was honestly looking for a "happy ending" to this whole thing, but this is the exact opposite - which is sort of cool. However this ending, where you actually type in the correct 2-0-5-4-1 code and call Stephan's psychologist, is BARELY better than the other P.A.C.S ending because you get the little scene where Stephan threatens the receptionist on the phone (who then presumably calls the police on him after he just killed his dad... smooth movie, idiot). But other than that, it's identical to just totally messing up the number. The game gets the same 2.5 Stars rating that it did before, and Stephan still winds up in prison. The fact that getting the code right doesn't really do much takes the wind out of this ending. Unless I'm missing something here. Still though. 2.5 Stars? That's pretty nice for a debut game! Good work! I'm sure when Stephan gets around to making his next game in 18-20 years (when he gets out of prison) it will be even better!

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes, and it gets an average review, which is pretty good. Although you're still in prison for killing dad.
• What is its rating?  2.5/5

Is this a Space Invaders tank?

10.  Kill Dad. Bury Body. Kitty Visits. 

As explained in #16 above, I personally believe the most likely path people will take in Bandersnatch is to get to the point where Stephan realizes that someone is controlling him, asks "Who's There?" and you select the decision tree glyph (⅄, or technically that image to the right). Since not killing the dad is a dead end, you're going to have to kill him. Chopping up his body is TOTALLY the way to go (see #3), but burying the body can lead to four separate endings, all of which lead to you going to jail, Bandersnatch never being released, and (I believe in all four), Tukersoft going out of business. The most likely way this is going to go is that Kitty comes to visit Stephan, looking for Colin (the only way to not get this is for you to have never followed Colin, because if you follow Colin he will have to jump because Stephan jumping forces a reset). This is also the weakest of the four (nearly identical) "bury body" endings because Kitty not remembering Stephan still doesn't make any sense to me. I was trying to read explanations on the internet, and some people are saying it makes sense because Stephan only met her in a timeline that didn't happen now from resetting the episode. But you can still have her NOT remember Stephan even without any resets between Colin jumping and Stephan burying his dad. By definition, Kitty ONLY comes if you do a timeline where Colin jumps, and Kitty meets Stephan whenever Colin jumps. That means no matter what timeline you're in, if Kitty is showing up to the door then she's met Stephan before. I will debate this with you until the end. This ending makes no sense.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No, and you go to jail. You always go to jail for murdering your dad, you sadistic dad killer. If there is a single lesson to be learned from this whole thing and the seven options you have that wind up with killing the dad, it's that you will go to jail EVERY TIME.
• What is its rating?  N/A

9. Make Stephan Jump off the Balcony and Die

If you make Stephan follow Colin, you're either going to have to make Stephan commit suicide, or make Colin commit suicide. The taking his drugs thing has no influence on the outcome and is a fake decision (although it's still cool to go through this multiple times and do it both ways for Colin's "I chose for you" line). Well, guess what, moron. If you have Stephan--the protagonist of the whole thing--jump off the balcony and die... it ends. NO SHIT. Bandersnatch is published posthumously but is terrible, as whoever at Tuckersoft put the final touches on it just did a rush job. The fault in this ending is that it's SUPER OBVIOUS that it will end everything. It's still a bit fun to do though. Dark? Yeah, all the endings sort of are.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes. But it's, disturbing, dark, and fucking weird. The video game reviewer doesn't actually drop the F-Bomb like I did, but you know he wants to.
• What is its rating?  No rating is given, probably due to the unfinished nature of the game.

8. Type "Toy" in Dad's Safe. Leave with Mom. Die as a Child

WHAT THE FUCK?! No. Seriously. What the fuck? I mean obviously the basic gist of what happens with his one was always going to be an option in the episode. All that stuff about Stephan feeling guilt for the death of his mom, how the psychiatrist tells him that he can't go back and change the past but Colin tells him that he can and that we can time travel through mirrors, and the stuff with the dad and the bunny... it was OBVIOUSLY leading to a situation where Stephan could go back and change the way things went down with mommy getting on the train. So I kept trying to find the path to get to something like this one. The prerequisites to this one are you have to "Talk About Mom" and "Pick Up Book" instead of the Family Photo (which are the same prerequisites for the two P.A.C.S endings). After I finally found the way to get to this option I was PSYCHED! I kept looking for the "Happy Ending" in Bandersnatch where you get to save mommy. Well, if there is one nobody has found it. Because I think you can't. You don't actually save mommy. Ever. Stephan just joins her on the train in the past and dies there too as a kid. Because she was going to miss the train no matter what and Stephan blaming himself, for his entire life, for making her late was actually wrong because she was always going to be late. Oh, and then Stephan also simultaneously dies in the present on the psychiatrist's chair. Huh?

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Uhh... I repeat, what the fuck? I guess not. Maybe there never was a Bandersnatch being made if you died in the past as a child. But you're also shown dying in the present, with the game unfinished. Technically I guess they could release an uncompleted game like in the balcony jumping ending, but it's never said one way or another.
• What is its rating?  N/A

Hey look! Tuckersoft HQ!

7. Accept to Work at Tuckersoft

Chances are that everyone who watched Bandersnatch gets this as their first ending. Who is going to actually say "no" to this option? Stephan is a kid who wants to work for this video game company. He show up. They offer him a job. Of course you say "yes!" And that ends the narrative with the result that having a team work on the game made it a terrible, terrible mess and it can only be successful if Stephan says no and works on it alone. It's sort of a strange, but I see what the designers were going for this one. It's good that the episode has one early ending with an option that almost everyone will pick to teach you how the whole "multiple realities" thing works. In fact, the creators of this show are SO SURE that you will accept this option, that even if you never do... in the "episode catch-up" clips it will show you later in the episode when you reset, it automatically shows the scene where Colin says he's met you before, which can only happen if you selected this option at least once. It still shows that Colin "we've met before" scene, even if you never selected this option.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes, but it's terrible.
• What is its rating?  0/5 Stars

6.  Kill Dad. Bury Body. Thakur Visits. 

These next three are all nearly identical, and are also nearly identical to #10. As stated there, they all involve choosing the ⅄ glyph and selecting to bury dad's body. After killing his dad, Stephan will get a call from Thakur asking if the game will be ready today. If you select, "No," Thakur will come and visit you and see what's up. It ends up exactly the same as the other ones though - you go to jail and Bandersnatch is never released. 

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Nope. Enjoy prison sex!
• What is its rating?  N/A

5. Kill Dad. Bury Body. Colin Visits. You Kill Him. 

Let's say you've gone through Bandersnatch and never made the decision to have Stephan follow Colin. Well, that's good for Colin because it means he never jumps and therefore still gets to be alive. Well, for a moment anyway. Although I did have Stephan did visit Colin, Colin jumped, and somehow I wound up with this ending as a possibility too. I was confused by how Colin suddenly was alive again after having just seen a scene earlier when he was "missing." I don't exactly remember what sequence I took to get him back, but my guess is that I did a different ending and then did a "reset" that took Stephan to a point before he decided to follow Colin, and thus he un-visited him. At any rate, Colin will visit you and see your dad's body. You can either have Stephan kill Colin (this option) or spare him. I'll rank this one lower because it's OF COURSE worse to murder two people than it is to murder one person.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No. And now you're a horrible DOUBLE MURDERER. And you murdered your hero, you sicko. Now you're basically that dipshit who killed Selena.
  
• What is its rating?  N/A

 4. Kill Dad. Bury Body. Colin Visits. Let Him Go. 

Exactly the same as above, except Stephan decides to spare Colin. It's sort of unsatisfying that letting Colin go versus killing Colin makes almost no difference at all - you're still arrested, Bandersnatch still goes unpublished, and Tuckersoft still goes out of business because it was relying on Stephan for this awesome Christmas release that never came. Still, it seems sort of cool that you let Colin live. He doesn't seem like the type of guy that would snitch on Stephan anyway. I mean he's the type of guy who will do drugs with Stephan and tell him that there are multiple dimensions and realities, so it doesn't really matter what he does in this reality. Any why have Stephan kill his hero? It would have been more satisfying if letting Colin go led to a better result where maybe you got away with it. But it doesn't. I guess teaching you that killing is wrong is a good thing.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No, again. Just like above. Prison. Failure.
• What is its rating? N/A

3. Kill Dad. Chop Up Body. 

Okay, once you select that ⅄ glyph and have Stephan kill his pops, you should definitely go for chopping up the body instead of burying it. For one, it's a lot funnier and sicker option (Stephan's reaction is pretty funny), and also after repeated watchings it's obvious with that neighbor's dog digging up the garden all the time that burying dad is gonna be a bad idea. As I've already alluded to before, I was really looking for the "Happy Ending" to the episode. What does that mean exactly? Well, I wasn't sure, but I was looking for something along the lines of:

1. The Bandersnatch game is a successful hit; or 
2. Okay, maybe the game gets mixed reviews or fails, but Stephan is happy/doesn't kill anyone/doesn't go to jail. 

Well, I guess with this ending I technically get the first of these two, because this was the only way I could find for the game to be a smash hit that gets 5 Stars! Woo-hoo! Although not having to kill the dad would have been cool (though by this time, we all hate Stephan's dad for taking away the bunny and/or the P.A.C.S thing... so it's not like we feel that bad). Although in a follow-up, it's revealed that EVENTUALLY Stephan is arrested for the murder of his dad, goes to jail, and the successful Bandersnatch is pulled from the shelves. But whatever, this is about as close to "happy" and we're going to get, so just deal with it. Also, this is the ending that then jumps to the modern day and reveals that Bandersnatch is being rebooted by Colin's daughter, Pearl, for Netflix. Which of course now means you get to drive her insane too.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? HELL YEAH! AND IT'S A FANTASTIC GAME!
• What is its rating? 5/5. WOOOO!!!!!!!!!

2. Who's There? Netflix. Leap Through Window. Mike? 

Once Stephan becomes aware that someone from the 21st Century is using something called "Netflix" to control him for entertainment purposes (awesome!), Stephan's psychologist tells him that he's obviously delusional because wouldn't someone using Stephan for entertainment want something more... entertaining? It's a hilarious "meta" moment and a good comedy-path to end the episode with, as opposed to the many, many, many, many dark endings that involve death. Well, when she asks Stephan if he wants to see something more entertaining, he only has the "Yeah" and "FUCK YEAH!" options (I tried both and don't think there is a difference, although I might be missing something). Then Stephan throws some hot tea in her face and she turns into a kickass ninja that starts fighting him. Then you'll get an option for Stephan to fight her or to jump out of the window. I assume you'll want to fight her first, which is what I did. It's great, but leads to a reset. Try again and jump out the window. It's also fantastic and leads to a fourth-wall-breaking scene where you realize that Stephan is actually just an actor named "Mike" in a production who has gone completely fucking insane and believes he's Stephan. It's funny, but I think it would have been even better if it was "Fionn?" instead of "Mike?" (the actual actor's name). Great comedy ending.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No. Bandersnatch never existed. It is not the 1980's, it's the 21st Century and Mike the actor has gone nutso. 
• What is its rating? N/A

1. Who's There? Netflix. FUCK YEAH! Fight That Bitch!

This one is GREAT. I love this one, although it was a hard call between #1 and #2. Technically it's one of the "soft" endings where you have to reset afterwards and pick a different ending, but it's a quite enjoyable one. No need to repeat too much of this one, as it largely follows the same as the "Jump Out Window" option explained above. Before you select to jump out of the window and see that (also funny) "main" ending, you're going to want to go through with this one and kick Stephan's dad in the balls at least once. Because if you want to keep fighting the psychiatrist, eventually the dad joins the battle too and it's like a martial arts fighting epic. I know, I know, how can I rank a soft reset joke ending as #1? Dude, I JUST EXPLAINED IT. YOU CAN KICK STEPHAN'S DAD IN THE BALLS! Joke endings are the best. Even if they're not real endings.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating? N/A. Reset ending.