Ed Ranks NBA Animal Teams by Deadliness

8 of the 30 current NBA Teams are named after animals, rather than people, objects, or nonsense concepts like "magic."

Not that threatening.

8. New Orleans Pelicans - I'm not saying that a Pelican can't be threatening. It's a huge ass bird. I bet they can get angrily and territorial, and do some damage with that big ol' beak if they really wanted to. But since we're humans and not fish, they can't do that much damage.

7. Atlanta Hawks - Hawks are definitely predator birds, and can be mean as hell. They will swoop up your little puppy running around outside and kill it. Not cool. But not that much of a deadly threat to man.

6. Charlotte Hornets - I suppose the deadliness of these hornets could depend on a number of factors. Surely humans have been killed by swarms of insects, and if a swarm of hornets attacks you, you might be done for. But then again, a lot of that depends on how allergic you are to the hornet venom, doesn't it? Are these Africanized Hornets? Can hornets be Africanized like bees? What does that even mean? It sounds kind of racist too. Let's just move on.

5. Chicago Bulls - I know bulls are famously depicted as angry, blood-thirsty animals that charge after people. But when you think about it, a bull is just a male cow. Not that cows themselves aren't dangerous. I think there is some stat about cows killing more people than sharks. Anyway, the bulls who get angry are the ones in the arenas who have assholes stabbing them with swords, and who have morons who cage and beat them before releasing them for the running of the bulls. It's highly unlikely you'd walk around somewhere (the wilderness or otherwise) and a random bull would attack you. Most of the people who get gored by bulls deserve it.

Adorable... or fuzzy kill machine?

4. Milwaukee Bucks - That's right, I'm saying that a male deer is more dangerous than a bull. Do you want to argue with me on this one? Yeah, they both have horns and charge at people. But buck horns are huge. I mean look at those things. For the most part, bovines like bulls are all domesticated, while deer are still wild beasts. I don't even think it's possible to find a wild bull out there, is it? Bucks are all over the place though. Honestly, if I was told I had to go up against a bull or a buck, I'd pick bull and hope for the best. Also adding to the buck's deadliness is the fact that it's a stupid-ass deer. And deer tend to do stupid shit like walk right in front vehicles in the middle of the night and just stand there. Like with the cow/shark statistic, I'm sure WAAAAY more people get killed by deer in car accidents than people get killed by all sorts of other animals on this list. And mathematically, about half of those deer have to be males, right?

3. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wolves are wild, doggo killing machines and they are awesome. You do not want to mess with wolves. Oh, they look cute. They look like they can be your pupper friend. But if you try to befriend it, they will just hunt you down and kill you like all those people who got killed by the wolves in the Liam Neeson movie. I know what the actual title of the movie is, but instead of saying it, I'm just going to call it Taken vs Wolves.

 2. Memphis Grizzlies - Obviously a bear will fuck people up. There is no question about that. These are the deadliest, living animal that actually still exists and is accurately depicted.

See? It's killing a woman right now. Sorry for the graphic violence.

1. Toronto Raptors - In one sense, you'd think that obviously the ferocious dinosaur should be ranked #1, so why is this even a question? Well, I did rank it as #1, so in the end I went with that logic. But there were a couple of reasons I could have gone in a different direction. First of all, raptor dinosaurs are extinct - so they're not really that deadly anymore. Or, I suppose, you could argue that they're not truly extinct at all, they just evolved into less dangerous creatures like pelicans and hawks. Another reason you could argue against the raptor is that it is obviously meant to represent the velociraptor from pop culture, as made famous by the Jurassic Park franchise. Alas, the true velociraptor therapod dinosaur that lived 75 to 71 million years ago was about the size of a turkey. Again, not that menacing. So really, the Raptors have two things going against them - they're dead and even if they weren't they'd really just be ornery game birds. However, I'm going to have to go with the way this animal is DEPICTED via its mascot. The depiction of the raptor is of a fictionalized, large, ferocious apex predator who can open doors (clever girl!) and kill people left and right. So in a sense, this is more of a fictional animal, on the same level as dragons or unicorns. Trust me, if there was an NBA Team named dragons, I would have ranked them #1, because those are fire-breathing badass animals, although admittedly not real.  So take this #1 for what it's worth. Either agree with me that the Raptors are the most deadly NBA animal, or discount them as a fake/nonexistent, as now extinct, or as a tiny turkey.

Ed Ranks The Doors

Here are 15 of the Doors, ranked. 

A door

15.  Pretentious Sliding Barn Doors - These are the worst. If I have to watch another HGTV show where they install sliding barn doors to open up the kitchen, I might just have to take over the HGTV headquarters and force everyone there to play Saw-like games where they have to mutilate themselves.

14. Garage Door - Barely even a door. Just a giant hunk of wood or metal that you pull up (or have a machine pull up, these days) to let your car in. Or, more likely, to store all the useless clutter that you don't want in your house but can't quite throw away.

13. John Densmore - Nobody cares about The Doors drummer John Densmore. You could basically replace him with a drum machine and nobody would know the difference. Maybe you could even replace him with that wind-up monkey that bashes the cymbals together. You'll get the same effect. There is no way this dude would be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame without his other three bandmates to carry him.

12. Louver Door - Paneled door with some wooden slats. Supposedly looks "modern," but I think I've seen houses built in the 50's with these.


11. Folding Door - I guess folding is at least some sort of unique thing, but anything a folding door can do could probably be improved upon by just using a pocket door.

10. French Door - I guess this gives you a lot of light in a room. That's... nice? Unless you're a vampire.

9. Ray Manzarek - Nominally, Ray was the "bassist" for The Doors, but with all people associated with stuff like Transcendental Meditation, he was into playing stuff like keyboard bass and "combo organs" (hehehe). He was also the backup vocalist, so there's that. 

8. Revolving Door - Cool, but you don't live in an office building. Nobody would ever install one of these in their house, right? Revolving doors have their time and place, which is very limited.

Nice, but impractical.

7. Old West Saloon Door - I do indeed love an old western saloon you know what I'm talking about. Two small, hinged doors at torso-level that swing open. But they're impractical. Just imagine having these in your house. What sort of protection does this give you? Anyone can just walk in. Even if you put a lock on it, you can just crawl under it. How does this door keep rattlesnakes from slithering into your saloon? I'm not even sure if these were doors that saloons actually used in the past, or if it's just a cool-looking thing for western movies.

6. Standard Hinged Door - This is a pretty boring door, but it's the door that most of us use. Whether they're paneled, unplanned, no matter what material they're made of - this is the door that you're using to enter your house. Chances are most doors internal to your house are hinged doors. It's not sexy or anything, but if you're told to draw a picture of a door - this is what you'll draw.

5. Dutch Door - A sliding door, but split in half, so that you can open the top half of it and creep on people. Cool, right?

Additional Doors.

4. Robby Krieger - One of The Door's primary songwriters, he wrote or co-wrote "Light My Fire", "Love Me Two Times", "Touch Me", and "Love Her Madly." And those are, honestly, probably the best songs. Doors albums are like 90% filler, each with one good song. The rest is just beatnik nonsense with 15-minute long stretches of groovy, drug-fueled riffing.

3. Sliding Door - Whether it's your standard sliding bypass door (like you'd see on most double closet doors), or pocket doors (slide into an opening in a wall), sliding doors are great! Unlike with those hinged doors, no extra room is taken up, and you can't accidentally swing the door into something/somebody. Note that sliding barn doors don't count here, even though they are technically a subset. I am so done with those.

2. Jim Morrison - He did a lot of drugs, mumbled incoherently on a ton of songs, died at age 27, and is now on a bunch of t-shirts and posters. It's called a legacy, people.

1. Automatic Door - So cool. The ones in grocery stores would be sweet if they worked more than 50% of the time.  I'm mainly thinking about the ones in Star Trek that go "fwish" when they open.

Ed Ranks the Only 10 Things More Disturbing Than the "Cats" Movie

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Ed Ranks Empires

Typical Empire Stuff.

Empires, they're sort of out of fashion these days (what with the colonial, imperialist domination and whatnot). There have been some major ones in history. Let's rank the top 10.

Note that this isn't necessarily the top 10 by land size or population (although such factors are important in weighing these rankings). There are some other factors, such as the length of time the empire existed, notable achievements, and its overall historic importance/influence.

Let's take the Roman Empire as an example. That thing was HUGE, right? Well, at it's greatest extent (around 117 AD), the Roman Empire claimed about five million square kilometers of the world (about 3.71% of the total land area in the world). If you're ranking empires by land size alone, that would put it in a measly 25th place. It would be well behind something like the Xiongnu Empire, a tribal confederation of nomadic peoples around Mongolia/China, and a contemporary to (part of the history of) the Roman Empire. At its greatest extent, the Xiongnu claimed nine million square kilometers and would make place #10 if ranking by land area. But you've never heard about the Xiongnu (I'm presuming), because it was a loose confederation with a poorly preserved history, and itself was much smaller than other famous empires that would cover the much or part of the same land masses (e.g. Mongols, Qing). It also only lasted a few centuries, unlike the economically dominant and well-organized Roman Empire, which lasted a massive 1,480 years by most people's count (although that number could be over 2,000 years... we'll discuss later).

Get the picture? Eh. Close enough.

10. Persian (Achaemenid) Empire

FIRST!

I've talked about this before. Or, at least, I've talked about their founder and greatest ruler. By total landmass conquered, they'd only rank 20th place (5.5 million square km). By length of reign, they were only a power for 220 years (nothing to discount, but compared to some others on this list, a short run). Yet there is something important about being first. Of all the empires on this list, this was the earliest. They were really the first big empire, and set the definition for what a cross-continental imperial power could be. During the reign of Darius, their territory stretched from the Balkans in Eastern Europe all the way east to the Indus Valley in South Asia, and also down through parts of Egypt on the African continent. Of course being called a "Persian" empire, their seat of power was in modern Iran. It was notable for innovating a centralized, bureaucratic administration,  building infrastructure (road and postal systems), spreading the use of an official language across its conquored territories, developing civil services, and raising a large, professional standing army. Every empire which would come after would look at the examples set by the King of Kings (Xšâyathiya Xšâyathiyânâm, which the Achaemenid Emperor was known as), and simply copy them.

9. Abbasid Caliphate

Here is their super Emo flag.

The Abbasid Caliphate was the third caliphates to succeed the prophet Muhammad, and its name derives from Muhammad's uncle, Abbas.  Hypothetically it lasted a massive 767 years - from 750 AD all the way to 1517 AD. In actual fact, its period of rule was a "mere" 508 years, as after 1258 the Caliphate was merely a "ceremonial dynasty," based in Cairo under the Mamluk Sultans, with no true power. Its territory was centered in Baghdad (for most of its reign), but at its height in 850 AD stretched a wide 11.1 million square km from Algeria in the west (including half of Sicily and all of Crete), across Northern Africa, all of the Arabian Peninsula, much of Turkey and the Black Sea–Caspian Steppe, and to near the modern the Pakistan/India border in the east. Early in their reign, but before the height of their power, they also went as far west as Morocco and Spain (until they had to cede that to the Umayyads). Their cultural domination as an Islamic empire would last until the Mongols came and pretty much messed everyone's else shit up.

8. French Empire

Aw haw haw, we'll take these parts of the world. Merci!

I'm not exactly sure where the American stereotype of "Haha, the French can't fight and their battle flag is a white flag" stereotype came from.  It's a bit of a silly argument for a country that, until less than 100 years ago, ran a colonial empire that was the 6th largest empire in the history of mankind, well over twice as big as the Roman Empire ever was, and which occupied a whopping 8.53% of the entire landmass of the world. And by "less than 100 years ago," I really mean that. It is 2019 and the territorial height of the French Empire (technically the Second French Empire) was in 1920. A good portion of that land mass came from controlling the majority of West Africa and part of Central Africa. And unless you're looking at a Mercator projection map which distorts any area with brown people to look smaller than it actually is, you'll realize that controlling West and Central Africa means you're controlling a giant chunk of land. The Second French Empire also controlled Madagascar, "Indochina" (which included Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, and the Chinese territory of Guangzhouwan), Syria, Lebanon, Guiana, and a ton of islands in the Pacific, Indian and Atlantic oceans. And that was just the Second French Empire. If you want to talk about the First French Empire as well, you can't forget that they also dominated a large chunk of North America (Canada, and nearly all the modern US land west of the original 13 colonies until the Louisiana Purchase), various other New World territories (even the Falkland Islands!), and large parts of India. Yeah. Everyone has heard about the British ruling India... but did you know about the French? And these two are just their two colonial empires I'm talking about. Need I remind you about a guy named Napoleon who, although for a short period, ruled nearly all of Continental Europe?

7. Empire of the Great Qing  (Qing Dynasty)

Well, this might be the coolest flag ever.

For many centuries, the definition for what "China" was could be confusing. I mean just look at these two wonderful rankings. Modern China is basically what we know as "China" because the Qing Dynasty was so dominant for so long, that all the various, rival states and regions which had their own identities at one time would be assimilated into what would eventually become "China." Depending on how you define its borders (itself not an easy task), it was either the 4th or 5th largest Empire by land in history, but more importantly... it had staying power. It was established in 1636, gained full control over "China" in 1644, and lasted all the way until 1912. At its height, its Manchurian rulers dominated over Han culture (the ones who typically ruled China), as well as the Mongols and Tibetans in other lands. Alas, the Qing is more commonly known these days for its rapid downfall (European colonial abuses and unfair treaties, the Opium Wars, and the final rule of  Empress Dowager Cixi and the Guangxu Emperor). 

6. Umayyad Caliphate

A not insignificant chunk of Earth.

Like the above Abbasids, the Umayyads were an early Islamic Empire, in this case the second caliphate to rise after Muhammed, beginning in 661. Remember the massive size of the Abbasid Caliphate? Well, samesies for the Umayyas, who ruled from Spain/Morocco to Pakistan/India. At its greatest extent, the Umayyad Caliphate covered 11.1 million square km and 33 million people, making it one of the largest empires in history by both area world population. The greatest extent of their Empire was from around 720 to 750, the latter of which is ironically also the final year of the Umayyad Caliphate. Yeah, there was no "slow decline" like with the Roman Empire or Qing Dynasty. This was a quick crash-and-burn, going from the biggest empire in the history of the world to a non-entity instantly, following the defeat and death of their Caliph, Marwan II, by the Abbasids. The Abbasid Caliphate was a big, mighty, long-lasting empire, but most of the hard work of building up that empire had been done by the Umayyads. Building up a giant Navy to defeat the Byantine Empire? That was the Umayyads. Constructing the Dome of the Rock at Jerusalem? Umayyads.

5. Ottoman Empire

And did I forget to mention HAREMS?

If you want to talk about long-lasting empires, the Ottomans had a good 623 stretch between 1299 and 1922. Just think about that. 1299 is, like, around when the film Braveheart is set. 1922 is after World War I. The same political entity (the Ottoman Empire) existed both when William Wallace was fighting King Edward I and when American Prohibition was happening. I don't know if that blows your mind, but it blows mine. It terms of land size, the Ottomans were "just" as big as the Roman Empire (actually, slightly bigger), and controlled much of Central and Southeast Europe, Western Asia and North Africa. The height of its power was between the 16th and 17th Centuries, especially the reign of  Suleiman the Magnificent. Most people think of the Ottoman Empire as being "Turkish," but can't really come to grips with how close the Empire came to "European" cities like Vienna and and Kiev. Budapest? The Ottomans ruled it. The Adriatic Coast? Mostly Ottoman. Athens? Ottoman. Algiers, Tunis, Tripoli, Cairo, Medina, Mecca, Jerusalem, Baghdad, etc - all Ottoman (or Ottoman vassals). Now that I've talked about the Ottomans, Umayyads and Abbasids - it's time to share a FUNFACT! You know the four colors on most Arab flags? They're black, white, green and red. Those Pan-Arab flag colors are actually chosen to represent four major Arab/Islamic Empires. Black represents the Abbasids, White represents the Umayyads, and Red represents both the Ottomans and Hashemites (of Jordan). Green represents the Fatimid Caliphate, but they didn't make the top 10 cut, so forget hearing more about them.

4. Spanish Empire

Just the red parts. And the blue. And the green. And the orange.

It should not surprise you that the Spanish Empire makes this list. After all, in 1493 Pope Alexander VI issued the Papal Bull Inter Caetera, which divided the entire world in half and gave the Spanish the right to claim whatever they wanted on the left side of the line (Portugal got everything on the right side of the line, and while they had a significant empire as well for a while, it doesn't make the top 10 cut). Because of the Papal Bull and other treaties, Spain went crazy on the New World, ruling an uninterrupted territory, north to south, from modern Canada to Chile. In addition to that uninterrupted territory, the Spanish had a lot of other territory in the New World, as well as colonial possessions in Africa (Sahara, Guinea), China, and the "Spanish East Indies" (basically the Philippines). If you count the period of time between 1580 and 1640 when the Spanish and Portuguese crowns were merged, all of Portugal's colonial possessions from Brazil, across Africa, and throughout Asia, can also be counted as part of the "Spanish Empire." The Spanish Hapsburg family also ruled a large chunk of Europe at times too, including much of Italy, as well as Belgium and the Netherlands. At its height (around 1810, before many of the New World colonies began revolution), the Spanish Empire was 13.7 million square km, taking up 10.17% of the total land in the world. The Spanish Empire is often seen as the first truly "global" empire.

3. Roman Empire

Look at this measly little 5.5 million square miles. Bleh!

Like I said in the intro, compared to Empires which would come later, the actual territory of the Roman Empire wasn't as big as many might think. However, at 117, they ruled from Hadrian's Wall in northern Britain, all the way through France, the Iberian Peninsula, all across Northern Africa and down the Nile, all of Judea and the surrounding land, all the way east through Babylonia to the Arabian Gulf, up to Armenia and through the Black Sea–Caspian Steppe, and... ya know... everything in-between (Southern and Eastern Europe, Turkey, the entire Mediterranean). The fact that it wasn't as big as the... oh, let's say the much more massive Russian Empire in the late 19th Century which was over 4 times its size... doesn't matter because it's cultural and historical significance are unquestionable. Its society, culture, government, politics, military, economy, language, architecture, food, weapons, sporting events (gladiatorial combat, anyone?), clothing, arts, sciences, religion, writings, philosophy, etc. are all studied, copied, and modeled after by societies these days. There are endless books, TV shows, movies, which look back to this era for its setting. Several of Shakespeare's plays are set in the Roman Empire. Minor government officials in the Roman Empire are significant characters in a major religion, for Christ's sake!(har!). And it lasted for quite some time. 1,480 years (from its founding in 22 BC until the collapse of Constantinople in 1453 AD) is the usual time frame given for the length of the Roman Empire. Some people give a shorter number (arguing that the Eastern/Byzantine Empire should count as a different political entity, although when it actually existed nobody called it the Byzantine Empire and it was recognized as the Roman Empire). Others can give an even longer time, citing the earlier Roman Kingdom and Roman Republics as precursor states, and claiming a lineage going back from 753 BC - a whopping 2,206 years.

2. Mongol Empire

Basically... everywhere

The Mongol Empire was, and continues to be (to this day), the largest contiguous land empire in history. At its height in the late 13th and early 14th centuries, it took up 24 million square km (about five times larger than the Roman Empire above), which took up nearly 18% of all the land in the world. Eurasia is big. The Mongol Empire occupied most of it. The empire consisted of all of modern Mongolia, China, North Korea, South Korea, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Afghanistan, Iran, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Georgia, Ukraine and Moldova; the vast majority of inhabitable Russia (excluding Siberian wastelands where nobody really lives); the majority of Iraq, Turkey, Belarus and Pakistan; and parts of Poland, Romania, Syria, India, Burma, Laos and Vietnam. It was huge. In order to create this empire, the Khamag Mongol (the precursor entity to the Mongol Empire), had to conquer a number of other powers, including the   Khwarazmian Empire, Qara Khitai, Jīn dynasty, Song dynasty, Western Xia, Abbasid Caliphate (ranked above), Nizari Ismaili state, Kievan Rus, Volga Bulgaria, Cumania, Alania, Kingdom of Dali, Kimek Khanate, Goryeo, and the Sultanate of Rum. It also lasted for 162 years, which might not be that long compared to others on this list – but in reality, when it split it simply split into four new quasi-Mongol Empires – the Yuan Dynasty, Ilkhanate, Chagatai Khanate, and the Golden Horde. A list of things that can be attributed to the legacy of the Mongol Empire is too long to go through here, so go to Wikipedia if you need all of that stuff. You’ve probably read news articles about some certain percentage of people in the world being descended from Genghis Khan. And while what that percentage exactly is has been argued by different scientists and Y chromosome DNA studies – the point is the Mongolians writ large got around and implanted their DNA across large chunks of Eurasia. Even after the Mongolian hordes stopped being an imperial power, their locals assimilated into societies across the lands they once ruled.
 
1. British Empire

That's a lot of flags.

So at the beginning of this, I said that total landmass ruled wasn’t the determining factor I’d use in order to rank the most significant empires in history. Yet not without coincidence, the #2 and #1 empires also happen to be the #2 and #1 empires by land mass as well, with the British Empire occupying a whopping 35.5 million square km at its height around 1919ish, consisting of over a quarter of all land on Earth (26.35%). The idea of a “global” empire first became a reality with the Spanish Empire, but the British took it to the next level with a conquest of basically everything. At various times in history, the British Empire has consisted of everything from Canada and the Thirteen Colonies, much of the Caribbean, British Honduras and Guiana, an occupied Ireland, Gambia, Sierra Leone, the Gold Coast, Nigeria, a solid and unbroken stretch of Africa north-south from Egypt to South Africa, much of the Middle East including Palestine, Jordan and Iraq, India, Burma, Malaya Brunei, Hong Kong, Australia, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea and a bunch of Pacific Islands. That’s not a definitive list either, just a general brushstroke. “The sun never sets on the British Empire” is a common saying (although again, likely stolen from the Spanish who initialized the concept), but it held true – the British Empire was so big that at any given time at least one of its dozens and dozens of territories across the world would be in the sunlight. Decolonization in the 20th Century may have broken the empire apart, but a huge part of the world still remain as part of the British Commonwealth, and thus you’ll still see the British Queen on the coins of a ton of countries (according to Guinness World Records… 35 countries feature Elizabeth II on their money). So in some ways, the British Empire is still sort of with us.

Ed Ranks Lizzie McGuire Mysteries

Ah, glorious times in television, it was.

From 2004 to 2006, there were a series of children's books featuring Disney Channel's Lizzie McGuire. But instead of being straight up adaptions of the show, these books were all reworked so that Lizzie was a junior detective, solving high school mysteries. All the books feature a logo in the top left corner with the actual Hilary Duff in it, although the main parts of the cover are focused on Lizzie's cartoon narrator counterpart, always dressed up in a trench coat like some true mystery-solver. Seven of these books were published. I am going to rank them whether you like it or not. I have never read these books, so I will rank them based on three factors: 1) cleverness of title, 2) plot synopsis I'm able to find online, and 3) book cover art. Each of those three factors will get five stars possible total, and I'll add up those stars up to rank them. With ties, I just sort them according to my own random preference about the plot.

Here we go!

7. Hands off My Crush-Boy! (Book #4)

• Title Rating: * No, just no. "Crush-Boy" is worse than "She-Geek."
• Plot: Lizzie offers to sign on for some truly grueling undercover work. Her crush-boy, Ethan Craft, has entered this year's Mr. Teen Hottie pageant-and he's in major trouble. Someone is trying to wreck his chances of winning the top spot! Of course, to ferret out the fink, Lizzie will have to pose as Ethan's girlfriend. It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it, right? (Added bonus: it's sure to seriously annoy Lizzie's arch-rival, Kate Sanders, Queen of Mean!)
• Plot Rating: **** I can actually see this as an episode of the TV show. While the title is awful, I obviously approve of this story of Lizzie living out her vicarious Ethan Craft fetish.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzy polishing a trophy that says "Hottie of the Year"
• Cover Art Rating: * Ugh. Hottie of the Year? No thanks. Who is running this pageant calling teenage boys "hotties?" Is it other teenagers or adults? If it's adults, the FBI needs to investigate.

6. Case of the Missing She-Geek (Book #3)

What is happening here?

• Title Rating: * "She-Geek" is terrible and should not be written. A female geek is called a "geek," not a "She-Geek."
• Plot:  In a (failed) effort to be cool in school, Lizzie hurts the feelings of major she-geek Audrey Albright. It's a total mistake and Lizzie wants to apologize-but Audrey's disappeared. She was last seen in the girls' room, crying. Then she doesn't come to school for days. With Gordo and Miranda in tow, Lizzie follows a trail of clues to a science-fiction convention, where Larry Tudgeman becomes their guide through the underworld of geekdom. But is Lizzie really ready to go where no cool kid (like ever!) has gone before?
• Plot Rating: ** Lizzie sounds like a bit of an unsympathetic bitch here, but at least she goes on a redemption quest. This story could easily go in the direction of cutting and teenage suicide, but I assume it doesn't.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie seductively cradling an Ancient Ionic Greek column that has the word "library" written on its top and base, and which also has a giant pair of glasses dangling from them - a pair of glasses larger than the Greek Ionic column itself.
• Cover Art Rating: **** This is so bat shit crazy that at first I ranked it as just one star before figuring that it was so crazy and dumb of a cover that it was good again instead of bad. Also, it's definitely an Ionic column on the front. I know the difference between Ionic and Doric. It's got the little scroll/snail-shell shape things on them.

5. Spring It On! (Book #7)

• Title Rating: *** I suppose they’re all lead trying with a pun here. It’s not the best pun, but it’s vastly superior to titles with the words “Crush Boy” in them.
• Plot: Spring has sprung at Hillridge Junior High, and that brings the big Spring Fling dance. Unfortunately, disasters begin to spring up as Miranda and Lizzie prepare the gym for the dance, and Lizzie suspects foul play.
• Plot Rating: ** This is a really vague plot, and I’m not exactly sure what to expect from this story. Disasters? Foul play? I wish this could be a big more specific. Is someone trying to sabotage the dance? I would assume so, but the writer was too busy making “spring up” jokes to bother describing the plot.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie protecting herself with an umbrella from a giant watering can that is pouring over her. Red and yellow tulips in the background.
• Cover Art Rating: ** The cover makes it seem like this will be a mystery about gardening, rather than a mystery about a school dance. If I gave this to my nonexistent daughter, I assume she’d be disappointed by the lack of a thrilling garden mystery.

4. Case at Camp Get-Me-Outie (Book #2)

Not to be confused with Camp Outdoors

• Title Rating: ** Nope, I'm not a fan of this one at all, but it's definitely not the worst of the book names.
• Plot: Summer vacation is here, and Lizzie's less than thrilled. Why? Because her parents were less than thrilled with her report card-so they're sending her to science camp. Ugh! Luckily, her best friend, Gordo, is going to Camp Bunsen Burner, too-but not because his science grades are weak. He's actually excited about going. Gordo even enters the camp's Best Invention competition. And that's the reason he needs Lizzie's sleuthing help . . . . Someone has stolen Gordo's entry-a brilliant formula for glow-in-the dark mosquito repellent. Is it Larry Tudgeman? Or the suspicious (but very cute!) camp counselor? Or could it be the chemistry teacher himself? Lizzie promises to help Gordo find his formula - and, in return, maybe he'll find a way to get her outie!
• Plot Rating: ** Knowing nothing other than the description above, I'm hoping that this story also hinted towards Gordo's deep sexual attraction to Lizzie that she was oblivious to, but I assume probably not because it's a kid's book. Why would Lizzie be bored by being sent to science camp with one of her closest friends? That seems like it's a plot flaw. And since when is Gordo a brilliant scientist? I don't remember that plot element at all in the show. Errm... not that I watched it, of course. That would be odd. Really, really odd.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie starting at a lantern with a Magnifying glass
• Cover Art Rating: *** I'll just call this three stars because there is nothing good or bad about it. I'd assume maybe a lantern has something to do with the plot?

3. Case of the Kate Haters (Book #6) 

• Title Rating: ** If you're familiar with the show, you’ll know that Kate is Lizzy’s quasi enemy. So I guess this could appeal to show watchers. It’s not very witty or catchy though. 
• Plot: Lizzie (almost) feels sorry for Kate Sanders. Her ex-best friend has suddenly fallen from snobby cheer queen to laughingstock. The big pep rally she organized was a total disaster--and Kate is certain someone is out to get her. Lizzie figures there are a zillion suspects. Who hasn't been dissed by Kate? The pranks get worse, and no one is cheering anymore. There's only one way for Lizzie to be true to her school: grab Miranda and Gordo, and find, find, find that culpriit!
• Plot Rating: **** Oh-ho! How the tables have turned! Kate the enemy now must rely on Lizzy to help her out and clear her name. And there are so many suspects because Kate is such a cunt! Why relegate this story to just a book? This should have been an episode of the show.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie with pom poms, cheering atop the image of a yellow, plastic, cheer megaphone
• Cover Art Rating: ** It’s a little difficult to tell what the megaphone is and it’s odd that a story all about Kate doesn’t even get a picture of Kate on the cover. I guess it’s suitable for a cheer-leading story though.

2. In the Doghouse (Book #5)

• Title Rating: **** This is fine and I guess even slightly witty for a dog-walking mystery. At first I only gave it three stars, but I’ll be generous.
• Plot: To raise money for an animal shelter, Lizzie starts her own dog-walking business. When someone lets the dogs out of the McGuires' backyard, can Lizzie track down the lost dogs and sniff out the guilty party?
• Plot Rating: *** Sure, this plot sounds okay. I’m just worried that “someone letting the dogs out” was just a plot inspired by that horrible, horrible song.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzy shrugging her shoulders atop images of two dogs and multiple question marks.
• Cover Art Rating: ** Eh, this gets the point across of what the story is about, but the stock photos of dogs aren’t that creative.

1. Get a Clue! (Book #1)

Basically a Young Miss Marple.

• Title Rating: **** Straight to the point. A good title for a teenage girl-based detective story.
• Plot: Someone has been leaving creepy notes in lockers, notebooks, and knapsacks all over school, with messages like "I Know What You Did Last Week." Students are getting really annoyed. And the notes all appear to be written by one person-Lizzie McGuire! But who would want to frame Lizzie for such a totally bizarro prank? Time for Lizzie to track down the guilty party before she's exiled to Loser-ville forever!
• Plot Rating: *** The "accused of a crime you're innocent of and have to prove your innocence" is a good way to logically introduce Lizzie into the mystery-solving business, albeit somewhat cliche. Although I though the plot of this show already implied that Lizzie and her friends were unpopular dorks, so I'm not sure how she could further be exiled to Loser-ville.
• Cover Art: Cartoon Detective Lizzie looming inquisitive while hanging out half-inside of a purple book bag.
• Cover Art Rating: *** Being in a book bag is okay, I suppose. It puts forward the idea that she's in school. But it's also weird because it's the small cartoon Lizzie half-way inside the bag. Is it a normal size bag and cartoon Lizzie is tiny? Is cartoon Lizzie normal-sized but the bag giant? I assume the former, but whatever.

Ed Ranks Ronnie James Dio-Fronted Bands

Ronnie James Dio was the best. He fronted some bands. Here they are, ranked.

Note that these are just bands that he fronted. He was a lead or supporting singer on a lot of other songs. However, lets not get into stuff like him being a singer on individual songs, such as on Roger Glover's The Butterfly Ball and the Grasshopper's Feast, or his heavy metal alternative to shitty charity supergroups like Band Aid, called Hear 'n Aid (witty... sort of?).

5. Elf (AKA The Electric Elves, AKA Ronnie Dio and the Prophets, etc.)

Dio's first band as lead singer. He had previously been in The Vegas Kings, which transformed into Ronnie and the Rumblers, which then transformed into Ronnie and the Redcaps. Despite the initial "Ronnie and the..." names, Dio was not the lead singer of the band until it took the "Prophets" name. Eventually Ronnie Dio and the Prophets turned into The Electric Elves when it added a keyboard player, but didn't really release a full, real album until 1972, when they simply became Elf. Elf became a solid opening act for Deep Purple (hence Dio's aforementioned work with Roger Glover), but Dio wouldn't really hit his stride until he and Deep Purple gestalted into one entity, greater than the sum of its parts. But I'll talk about Rainbow later, my friends.


4. Heaven & Hell

I'm still not 100% sure that I can call Heaven & Hell a separate entity from Black Sabbath, but I guess I decided to. Really, this is just Black Sabbath. After Ozzy left Black Sabbath, Dio took over as the lead singer. I personally like RJD (not to be confused with RDJ) more than Ozzy, but it's not worth getting into any arguments over who was the best frontman of Sabbath. Most people will disagree with me. Whatever. Anyway, years and years and years later, Ozzy eventually rejoined Black Sabbath and went on tour with them. But just like all the confusion when Van Halen went on tour in later years with both Roth and Hagar variously taking turns as as lead singer, sometimes Black Sabbath toured with Dio in later years as lead singer instead. For legal reasons, and to avoid mass confusion, when Sabbath went on tour with Dio in the 2000s, they started calling themselves Heaven & Hell, after Sabbath's 9th studio album, which was the first to feature Dio.


3.  Black Sabbath

If Heaven & Hell and Black Sabbath are really the same band, then it makes sense that I should just rank the two right next together here at #3 and #4. After the tour for Sabbath's 1978 album Never Say Die!, Ozzy was fired and Ronnie James Dio eventually came on as the new lead singer. Ironically, one of the people most responsible for Ronnie taking over for Ozzy was a woman named Sharon Arden. She'd later become Sharon Osbourne. Dio-led versions of the band recorded the hit albums Heaven & Hell (1980) and Mob Rules (1981), and then a not-such-a-hit-album over a decade later, Dehumanizer (1992), following a number of lineup changes. Dio had left Sabbath in 1982 to start his own eponymous band, but would occasionally come back and tour with them again for time to time. He'd even release an album with them beyond Dehumanizer (named The Devil You Know, in 2010), but that was under the Heaven & Hell name. Black Sabbath might be a more famous and notable band than the #2 band below to most people, but it's certainly not higher ranked as a Ronnie James Dio-fronted band.


2. Rainbow

Deep Purple was an epic rock band, but it went through some tumultuous lineup changes over the years. Ritchie Blackmore, Deep Purple's lead guitarist, had some ideas and concepts that other band members weren't really liking (like adding more elements of classical music and singing about medieval shit), and so Blackmore decided to jam with Purple's opening act, Elf, and recorded some music with them instead. The result was eventually an album named Ritchie Blackmore's R-A-I-N-B-O-W (1975), with Dio on lead vocals, which is now seen as the first Rainbow album. Dio was obviiously all about incorporating all that epic medieval crap, and magic was born. The first album was so good that Blackmore left Deep Purple for good, and Rainbow would then go on a world tour and release the follow-up albums Rising (1976) and Long Live Rock 'n' Roll (1978). But after 1978, Blackmore wanted to take the band away from the "sword and sorcery" themes that Dio still loved to take the band in a more "commercial" direction. Thus Dio made the jump and departed for greener pastures in Black Sabbath.

1. Dio

Dio's best band is Dio, the heavy metal supergroup which he formed in 1982 after leaving Black Sabbath. Though RJD would eventually rejoin and team up with other old bands over the years, Dio still existed in one form or another until Dio's death in 2010. The first album, Holy Diver (1983), was the obvious best and featured the song with the same name, as well as the awesome "Rainbow in the Dark" (arguably an epic diss track against Ritchie Blackmore; there are many different rival explanations to what the song is about, but it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out there might be  a connection between the facts that Dio left a band named Rainbow over creative difference and then released a song called "Rainbow in the Dark"). For the next decade, Dio would continue to release darker, heavier albums such as The Last in Line (1984), Sacred Heart (1985), Dream Evil (1987), and
Lock Up the Wolves (1990) while the rest of metal was going all hair band crazy. Dio would continue to release albums in the 90's and beyond, but by that time the grunge / alt rock revolution had happened and Dio was reduced to being one of those old metal bands with old metal fans, mainly touring for nostalgia purposes. Ah well, thus time kills us all. 

Ed Ranks the Seven Hills of Rome

Hey look. It's some hills!

Traditionally, Rome is said to have had "seven hills," although that's not true anymore as Rome is a lot bigger than it used to be.  The seven hills typically refer to the hills that fell within the Servian Wall of Ancient Rome, and thus does not include territory now widely considered to be "Rome" (such as Vatican Hill, which contains, duh, the Vatican).  The hills were notable enough to even get a bible reference, probably, as many believe that  the Book of Revelation's reference to the Whore of Babylon sitting on "seven mountains" refers to her being in Rome. Technically that would make her the "Whore of Rome" then instead of Babylon. I'm just saying. Either way, she's got to be a pretty large whore to sit on all seven hills at once. This might be the first "yo mamma so fat" joke.

7. Viminal Hill - The smallest and least impressive of the hills. The historic Palace of Viminale is here, but it is pretty much otherwise unnoticeable.

6. Caelian Hill - This area was once a fashionable district in Ancient Rome where the rich lived. A large part of this area is now taken up by the Villa Celimontana. So if you want to visit this one Villa, you should go here. Otherwise, there are a few old, boring ruins that don't make the top 10 of anyone's guidebook.

5. Aventine Hill - The Aventine Hill is a little bit interesting because of its history. Originally outside of Rome, it was eventually incorporated into the city as a sort of "staging area" for foreigners to come to the city. Sort of like the Ellis Island of Ancient Rome. Even after that, it became associated with the poor, lower class, plebeian elements of society. Because of that continued association, it remains popular in TV and movie depictions of Rome as the gritty, rough, working class, international part of the city. If you're going to create a Roman police procedural drama, you better set it here. All that being said about its interesting story, there isn't too much to actually do here these days. It's definitely not poor anymore, instead its more like an elegant suburb for rich people with a few ancient churches, temples, palaces and gardens. 

It used to look like this. But not anymore.

4. Esquiline Hill - Sure, the Esquiline Hill has a few notable things about it, but I wouldn't rank it among the top hills to visit in Rome, if you're going there to check out hills. And why would you? It once was the place where the King of Rome lived, back when the sixth king (Servius Tullius) expanded the city to include it. Nero built his Domus Aurea (Golden House) and Trajan Built his baths here. But beyond those two landmarks (which still remain to this day), it isn't exactly a hot spot.

3. Quirinal Hill - This hill used to be a lot of a bigger deal than it is now, and included the Baths of Constantine (lost or built over in Medieval times), and some huge river god statues by Michaelaneglo (since moved to Capitoline Hill). Until the 19th-Century, it was famously called the "Monte Cavallo" (horse mountain, after the colossal "Horse Tamers" statues of Castor and Pollux that have stood there since antiquity) and it still retains some landmarks such as the Torre delle Milizie (a medieval tower).  But urban development happened, the city changed, and now Quirinal Hill is almost exclusively associated with Quirinal Palace - one of the official residences of the President of Italy. Still, it's a fairly notable Palace, having been resided in by 30 Popes, 4 Kings of Italy and 12 presidents of the Italian Republic. Napoleon also planned to live there after becoming Emperor and conquering a lot of Europe, but he was defeated in 1814 and never got around to it. Yeah, this spot is worth a visit for sure.

Oh look, ruins!

2. Palatine Hill - Well, it's a tough call between what the #1 and #2 hill in Rome will be. Palatine Hill has a lot going for it. This is the centremost of all the hills in ancient Rome and is often called "the first nucleus of the Roman Empire." People have lived here since the 10th Century BC, and according to Roman mythology, the Palatine Hill was the location of the cave, known as the "Lupercal," where Romulus and Remus were found by the she-wolf Lupa that kept them alive. You know the word "palace" which means a fancy place where rich rulers live? Well, "Palatine Hill" does not derive from the world "palace." In fact, it's EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. The word "palace" derives from "Palatine," meaning this is the OG palace location. When anyone else named the building they created a "palace," they were naming it after this place. This is the spot of the Circus Maximus, and all the major palaces of the Roman Empire, like Augustus, Tiberius, Domitian, etc. This area also included (and in some cases still includes ruins of) the House of Augustus, the Temple of Cybele, the Domus Severiana and Baths of Septimius Severus, the Septizodium (Temple of the Seven Suns), and Temple of Apollo Palatinus.  I guess the only reason I'll rank this as #2 rather than #1 is that this is a pretty "archeology-heavy" place to visit. And while that's cool with me, the place is going to be a lot more ruins than museums or sites. To each their own, I suppose.

It's museum time.

1.Capitoline Hill - While Capitoline Hill might not be the true and original ancient "center" of Rome like Palatine Hill, there should be no doubt that today it's sort of the "center" of Rome. Orginally it was Mons Saturnius (and dedicated to Saturn). As with the word "palace" coming from Palatine Hill, so does the word "capitol" come from Capitoline hill, both derived from "caput" for "head" or "top." The Capitoline Museums (Musei Capitolini) are the predominate features which now sit at the top of the hill, and include two major museums (Palazzo dei Conservatori and the Palazzo Nuovo), both of which containing a major trove of of Rome's greatest artistic and archaeological treasures. They're basically a must-see area of the city. The Piazza del Campidoglio is the major plaza in the middle of the area, and was designed by Michelangelo when he wasn't too busy being a party dude. Its construction (on the orders of Pope Paul III to impress Holy Roman Emperor and King of Spain Charles V) basically turned the center of Rome's power away from the old Roman Forum and up to Capitoline Hill. The area also includes the famous Cordonata steps and numerous famous statues and landmarks. Connecting the two major museums on the hill are also the Galleria Lapidaria and Tabularium, an underground passageway that also allows you to get your archeological fix if the Palatine Hill area and its ruins are more of your jam.

Ed Ranks 21 Day of the Dead Pictures

In the Wikimedia Commons entry for "Category:Day of the Dead in Mexico," you can select the option "good pictures." At time of writing, it gave me 21 "good" pictures to represent the Day of the Dead in Mexico.

Here they are, ranked according to nothing other than my general preference for the images.

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