Ed Ranks NBA Animal Teams by Deadliness

8 of the 30 current NBA Teams are named after animals, rather than people, objects, or nonsense concepts like "magic."

Not that threatening.

8. New Orleans Pelicans - I'm not saying that a Pelican can't be threatening. It's a huge ass bird. I bet they can get angrily and territorial, and do some damage with that big ol' beak if they really wanted to. But since we're humans and not fish, they can't do that much damage.

7. Atlanta Hawks - Hawks are definitely predator birds, and can be mean as hell. They will swoop up your little puppy running around outside and kill it. Not cool. But not that much of a deadly threat to man.

6. Charlotte Hornets - I suppose the deadliness of these hornets could depend on a number of factors. Surely humans have been killed by swarms of insects, and if a swarm of hornets attacks you, you might be done for. But then again, a lot of that depends on how allergic you are to the hornet venom, doesn't it? Are these Africanized Hornets? Can hornets be Africanized like bees? What does that even mean? It sounds kind of racist too. Let's just move on.

5. Chicago Bulls - I know bulls are famously depicted as angry, blood-thirsty animals that charge after people. But when you think about it, a bull is just a male cow. Not that cows themselves aren't dangerous. I think there is some stat about cows killing more people than sharks. Anyway, the bulls who get angry are the ones in the arenas who have assholes stabbing them with swords, and who have morons who cage and beat them before releasing them for the running of the bulls. It's highly unlikely you'd walk around somewhere (the wilderness or otherwise) and a random bull would attack you. Most of the people who get gored by bulls deserve it.

Adorable... or fuzzy kill machine?

4. Milwaukee Bucks - That's right, I'm saying that a male deer is more dangerous than a bull. Do you want to argue with me on this one? Yeah, they both have horns and charge at people. But buck horns are huge. I mean look at those things. For the most part, bovines like bulls are all domesticated, while deer are still wild beasts. I don't even think it's possible to find a wild bull out there, is it? Bucks are all over the place though. Honestly, if I was told I had to go up against a bull or a buck, I'd pick bull and hope for the best. Also adding to the buck's deadliness is the fact that it's a stupid-ass deer. And deer tend to do stupid shit like walk right in front vehicles in the middle of the night and just stand there. Like with the cow/shark statistic, I'm sure WAAAAY more people get killed by deer in car accidents than people get killed by all sorts of other animals on this list. And mathematically, about half of those deer have to be males, right?

3. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wolves are wild, doggo killing machines and they are awesome. You do not want to mess with wolves. Oh, they look cute. They look like they can be your pupper friend. But if you try to befriend it, they will just hunt you down and kill you like all those people who got killed by the wolves in the Liam Neeson movie. I know what the actual title of the movie is, but instead of saying it, I'm just going to call it Taken vs Wolves.

 2. Memphis Grizzlies - Obviously a bear will fuck people up. There is no question about that. These are the deadliest, living animal that actually still exists and is accurately depicted.

See? It's killing a woman right now. Sorry for the graphic violence.

1. Toronto Raptors - In one sense, you'd think that obviously the ferocious dinosaur should be ranked #1, so why is this even a question? Well, I did rank it as #1, so in the end I went with that logic. But there were a couple of reasons I could have gone in a different direction. First of all, raptor dinosaurs are extinct - so they're not really that deadly anymore. Or, I suppose, you could argue that they're not truly extinct at all, they just evolved into less dangerous creatures like pelicans and hawks. Another reason you could argue against the raptor is that it is obviously meant to represent the velociraptor from pop culture, as made famous by the Jurassic Park franchise. Alas, the true velociraptor therapod dinosaur that lived 75 to 71 million years ago was about the size of a turkey. Again, not that menacing. So really, the Raptors have two things going against them - they're dead and even if they weren't they'd really just be ornery game birds. However, I'm going to have to go with the way this animal is DEPICTED via its mascot. The depiction of the raptor is of a fictionalized, large, ferocious apex predator who can open doors (clever girl!) and kill people left and right. So in a sense, this is more of a fictional animal, on the same level as dragons or unicorns. Trust me, if there was an NBA Team named dragons, I would have ranked them #1, because those are fire-breathing badass animals, although admittedly not real.  So take this #1 for what it's worth. Either agree with me that the Raptors are the most deadly NBA animal, or discount them as a fake/nonexistent, as now extinct, or as a tiny turkey.