Ed Ranks the Top 10 2018 Winter Olympic Moments

Hey! Those Winter Olympics were fun, right? And yes, I am doing yet another one since today was Closing Ceremony day. Last one. I promise!

10.  The Lazy Hungarian American

Elizabeth Swaney scammed the international Olympic system and qualified to get into the Olympics as a halfpipe skier through shenanigans that included qualifying in the "top 30" in enough international competitions that generally has less than 30 participants in them.  This means that her family is rich enough so that she could fly around the world to be in competitions just to qualify for the Olympics with minimal effort. And minimal effort is what she put up. Rich and lazy.  Elizabeth Swaney is probably the most American American at the Olympics (despite the fact that she competed for Hungary).

9. Mirai Nagasu's Triple Axel 

This was pretty sweet, right? An American has never done this before at the Olympics. Mirai Nagasu is the exact opposite of Elizabeth Swaney.

8. Nathan Chen's 400+ Quads

In the Free Skate, Nathan Chen did 437 Quadruples. I counted them all. I got dizzy watching him, so I'm not sure how he did it himself. Do not question my math.

"Wait... I did what?"

7. Czech Snowboarder Accidentally Wins Skiing Gold

Ester Ledecka is a Czech world champion snowboarder. I guess for shits-and-giggles she also decided to compete in the Women's Super-G skiing event. You know, she was already at the Olympics so she might as well have some fun.  On the US TV broadcast, her performance wasn't even aired.  Bode Miller and the US broadcasters already declared the winner as another person without Ester even skiing yet, because she wasn't supposed to win.  Then she won. Everyone was surprised. You know who was the most surprised? Ester Ledecka, who's look when she saw her time appeared to be one of total confusion.

6. Mustaches

Yes. "Mustaches" counts as a moment.

Whether it be U.S. Curler Matt Hamilton (clearly just Danny McBride engaging in some dedicated method acting) or Norweigan Ski Jumper Robert Johansson, this was a big Olympics for mustaches.

5. Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir Basically Do It on Ice

This was a little too much PDA, Canadians. There are children watching!

4. Finnish Knitting Coach

Olympic event? Who cares! I need to do this seed stitch

Sure, I guess if you were a Finnish Olympic Snowboarding coach, you could spend your time giving advice to your athletes as they're about to snowboard. Alternatively, you could just stand around knitting, like Antti Koskinen chose to.

3. Canadian Beer Husband

Oh, Canada

Rachel Homan is a Canadian Curler. She's pretty good at what she does. She is a great Olympic Athlete. But her husband, Shawn Germain, is a great beer drinker. So he spent his Olympics watching her compete while he double-fisted beers at nine in the morning. Shawn Germain should be the next Prime Minister of Canada.

Actual photo with no editing.

2. Korean Curler Filled with Hate and Ready to Destroy

The captain of South Korea’s women’s curling team, Kim Eun-jung, does not look dissimilar to a naughty librarian in a porno. But don't let that look confuse you. This woman's ice-cold, game face stare will strike fear into the hearts of all competitors. Her game face is probably 90% of the reason the South Koreans almost won the gold.

1. Norwegian Curling Pants

No further explanation needed beyond this picture:

Ed Ranks the Last 10 Winter Olympics' Medals

Yes. I'm still doing Winter Olympics-themed rankings.  Let's talk about those medals now.

You know, the medals don't look the same every Olympic games. Every time, they pay tons of money to designers to try to make the medals unique and memorable.  Let's look at the last ten Winter Olympic Games' medals.

10. Torino (2006) - Wow, way to be SUPER CHEAP, Italians. They simply stuck a giant hole in the middle of the medal to save on gold. I'm sure the Italians claimed that the hole in the middle was "artistic" and "meant something." Yeah, it means you're cheap, Italy. This looks like it should be a medal that Krispy Kreme gives away.

9. Albertville (1992) - This just looks hideous, doesn't it? What's with all that white? Is that supposed to represent snow or something? We want to see gold on a gold medal, people. Not white. It just looks like your medal has illegal ivory on it now. And that's clearly in violation of the 1989 Conference of Parties agreement to the 1973 CITES Convention. That's right, I know there are a select few readers out there who were BEGGING for Ed Ranks Everything to finally bring up the CITES Convention.

8. Sarajvo (1984) - Eww. What's going on with this block-ey thing? It's a perfectly good, round medal. But for some reason it's inset in a slab of other metal like they didn't know how to use the medal press machine right, so all their medals were all stuck together. They then just used a blowtorch to cut them out with those jagged, ugly edges surrounding the circle inside.

7. Nagano (1998) - Like Albertville, only exchanging the white/glass look for a black/lacquer look. We know why you have all that black lacquer on your medals, Japan. It's to cover up for the fact that you were being cheap with the lack of precious metal.

6. Lillehammer (1994) - Too much going on here, Norway. This is way too busy. And I see what you did here too. You stuck a chunk of granite in the middle of the medal and just covered it up with a little gold. THAT IS CHEAP AS FUCK. YOU LITERALLY JUST HANDED THESE OLYMPIC-WINNING ATHLETES A ROCK! Or part of a broken kitchen counter. And is that a stylized skier on back of the medal? Because it sort of looks like Slenderman.

5. Salt Lake City (2002) - I get what you were going for here, Salt Lake Olympics. You wanted the medals to be a bit of a "throw back" to the Old Olympic medals from the days of yore. They do have a sort of classic look. I think that's even the goddess Nike on one side. But even in the days of yore, they knew how to make a damn medal round instead of freaky and lopsided. Still, this thing looks solid. It will at least be worth something if you melt it down. Yeah, I know... I know, even the gold medals are like 92% silver and just gilded.

4. Sochi (2014) - As much as the Sochi Olympics were a giant clusterfuck of Russian doping and organized crime-built structures with toilets from hell, the medals do look okay.  Yeah, I know they are pulling the same cheap shit that the Italians did with their medals - they have giant holes in the middle to save on precious medal. But at least they made it look kind of stylish with the mountain pattern.

3. Pyeongchang (2018) - The ongoing Olympics have some pretty cool medals. I can see how people might not be impressed by them. They're just boring, round medals that someone rubbed some sandpaper against diagonally. But with all these super stylish, tryhard designs - it's good to see a really classic and simple interpretation of what a gold medal should look like. This is pretty much what an emoji of "gold medal" should be. Good work, Korea. Although we could have done without the sandpaper scratches.

2. Vancouver (2010) - I love this Pacific Northwest flare, paying tribute to the patterns and symbols of the First Peoples. It's a round, classic shape like a medal should be - but with a creative twist that really honors the host city and its people.

1. Calgary (1988) - WOW, WHAT A SWEET LOOKING MEDAL! Do you see how that's a combined face of a olive wreath-wearing Ancient Greek athlete with a Native American? But the Native American's headdress isn't made of feathers... it's made of ski sticks, a bobsled, skis, skate blades, a hockey stick (of course), a luge and a biathlon rifle! Yes, the Canadians have the top two medals on this ranking. Canadians sure do know how to make good-looking Winter Olympic medals. But then again, they are Canadians. So their entire lives are dedicated to their snow gods, who they must pay tribute to in the form of beaver pelts and Winter Olympics medals. This is a fact. Look it up.

Ed Ranks Reasons We Should/Should't Care about a Evgenia Medvedeva-Alina Zagitova Feud

Thought I was done with the Winter Olympics because I ranked the best and worth sports? NOPE.

Evgenia Medvedeva and Alina Zagitova are Russian figure skaters. It's possible they are normal human beings born to human parents. But it is more likely that they are Terminatrix robots from the future, sent back in time to destroy all competition.  A lot of people are also talking about how they are "feuding" with each other.

Should we care about this?

Top 5 Reasons We Should NOT Care: 

Wheeeee! Skating!

5. Whatever, they're just Russians.

Fair point, I suppose.

4. Whatever, they're just figure skaters. 

Yeah, who really even cares about figure skating anyway? It's not like it's a cool sport like Skeleton. Did I mention that Skeleton is awesome? SKELETON!!! Learn how to throw yourselves down a track face first on a sled, Evgenia and Alina. Then maybe we'll start to care.

3. Wait... who the fuck are Evgenia Medvedeva and Alina Zagitova again? 

I explained this above in the premise of the ranking. There is literally a picture of one of them right there. Obviously the fact that you forgot this so quickly means that we probably SHOULDN'T care.

2. We shouldn't care because the whole thing is most likely BS. They're probably not even really "feuding." It's just media hype to create a "story" for the Olympics. 

This is most likely true. Sure, both want to be the best and win. But doesn't everyone skating want to be the best and win? How are they different from anyone else out there?

1. NO! Why are we hyping this shit? Why do we, as a society, ALWAYS try to drive a wedge between competitive women in situations like this? If this were a story about two men, we would NEVER create a story about how they are enemies that hate each other. Yet in this patriarchal world, we are always re-enforcing antiquated notions about women being catty bitches.

I know, right? This is like that "who wore it better?" nonsense. Can't two human beings wear the same thing without it being a death feud?

Top 5 Reasons We SHOULD Care:

5.  OMG they are so hot, we should care about anything they do.

Okay. First off Alina is 15 years old, you creep. Also, that's not a really good reason. Stop being sexist. Women are not objects. These are two highly talented competitors who both went through years of training. Or, possibly, were just manufactured to be that good because they are highly sophisticated robots from the future.

4.  No, seriously. Have you seen that picture of Evgenia Medvedeva dressed up like Sailor Moon?  Cancel the rest of the Olympics, I just want to see more of her. 

Sorry, Karen Chen and Mirai Nagasu.
This lady will break you.

Look, as I explained befo--Holy crap, you're right! That Sailor Moon thing is is pretty hot. Okay, maybe this list can be just a little bit sexist.

3. The Russians and U.S. have a long-running feud through Olympic history. We should obviously care about these two because they are the primary competitors against the U.S. ice skaters. 

Great point! Although I do think it's a bit cute that you think any U.S. skater has a chance against these lethal Russian teenage cosplaying killbots. Mirai Nagasu could do four triple axles in a row and get Jeff Gillooly's henchmen to whack Medvedeva in both knees. Medvedeva will still win by about 26 points.

2. These two are probably going to dominate everyone, so we should pay attention to them because they're going to get Gold and Silver anyway. 

Yes. They will. I guess the only question will be which one gets Gold and which one gets Silver. Which makes their competition with one another a particularly captivating story.

1. We've already forgotten the whole premise of this ranking again. Can you just post a video of that Sailor Moon routine or something? I bet it is BAT SHIT CRAZY.

Sure, here you go (and yes, it is):

Ed Ranks the 5 Worst Winter Olympic Sports

Okay, now we're working the other way from last time - with the Winter Olympic sports getting progressively worse as we go.

I do want to offer up this disclaimer: I love the Winter Olympics. They are awesome. Even though I'm calling these sports the worst of the Winter Olympics, even the worst one is still better than about 45% of all the Summer Olympic sports.

5. Snowboarding

I WANT MOUNTAIN DEW RIGHT NOW!

Snowboard can certainly be entertaining... but what is this? The Winter Olympics or the X-Games?  There are a TON less Winter Olympic sports than Summer Olympic sports. That's a fact. When I did the Summer version of these rankings, there were TONS of sports that were completely left out. But with these Winter rankings, I'm pretty much covering every single sport at the games. I think they just added Snowboarding to have another game. I don't mean to insult it in general. It's a fine and entertaining sport. I can watch it. But is it an OLYMPIC sport? I dunno. Are the Summer Olympics going to add Tony Hawk doing a 900? Of course not, because Tony Hawk is 50 years old now. But you get the picture. Just leave snowboarding where it belongs: on ESPN 2.

4. Biathalon

Wait... why I am I ranking this as bad again? This looks sweet.

Cross-Country Skiing is boring. Cross-Country Skiing is the worst. It is the Winter Olympic sport I least enjoy. I'll get into that more later, as it will be covered on its own. The Biathalon is just Cross-Country Skiing plus one other thing added. Hence the "bi" part of "Biathalon."  Do you know what that is? Rifle shooting. Yes. So I'm kind of torn on this one. As an American, I obviously love things getting shot. This sport involves skiing around for a while, mixed with rifle fire. It sounds awesome in principle. It doesn't even sound like a sport. It sounds like a scene from a James Bond movie. But it's not. If Biathalon is like any film involving both snow and gunfire... it's more like Reindeer Games. Yes, that terrible Ben Affleck / Charlize Theron movie that puts you to sleep. That's the one. And Biathalon also puts me to sleep because the damn Cross-Country Skiing.

3. Nordic Combined

Nordic Combined is very similar to Biathalon, in that it is simply Cross-Country Skiing combined with another sport. This time, the combination is with Ski Jumping.  That should make it cool, right? Well - we have the same problem as above where I'm torn.  Ski Jumping is cool. You saw it was ranked high as one of the "Awesome" Skiing events that I jumped together on the "Best" Ranking. But the Cross-Country counteracts that and evens out.  So anyway, I ranked it here next to Biathalon but made it rank slightly lower than Biathalon. Why? Because firing a rifle is slightly cooler than jumping really high.

2. Figure Skating

This is  the image I am using.
Simply out of pure spite.

I watch figure skating. I cheer for the Americans to win at figure skating. I recognize that figure skating is the most popular event in the Winter Olympics, from a ratings standpoint. But is it really a "sport?"  Not particularly. Figure Skating has been plagued with being one of the most corrupt sports in terms of judging that there has ever been. Unlike speed skating, there is no victory for being the fastest or most technically precise. Sure, they claim there is a "technical" score in figure skating, but then they add the "presentation" element where judges can arbitrarily make decisions. And the presentation score is the giant black hole of corruption and vote-trading by judges. Favoritism almost always beats out skill. All the "reforms" to the judging system made after scandals have broken out are laughable farces. In fact, the reforms may have made things worse by making the ballots even more secretive. Seriously, fuck figure skating.

1. Boring Cross-Country Skiing

A modest proposal to improve this boring sport: Doggos

While Figure Skating is a corrupt farce that isn't even a real sport, at least it provides entertainment value. Everyone likes to see people jump up and do those crazy ice spins (or better yet... FAIL at doing them and mess themselves up). What entertainment is there in Cross-Country Skiing? Fairly little. You're pretty much just watching white people exercise for 15-50 kilometers. And... 50 kilometers? Holy crap! I'm looking at the details for the last Olympics and the winner of that event won at a whopping time of 1:46:55.2.  Who has two hours to watch people slowly skii? And that time might not even be legit. The Russian who won that time had the result booted for doping. But as of February 1, that result might or might not be reinstated based on an appeal. But there is sure to be an appeal to that appeal. Who can tell anymore? Who even cares?

That's not to say that Boring Cross-Country has no hope for redemption. I offer a humble suggestion to make it better: Add Dogs. Dog skijoring is a real thing and it combines cross-country skiing with dog sledding. Or better yet... do it with wolves. I'd watch the hell out of that. It would instantly jump over to the "Best" list. It wouldn't beat Skeleton though. Although, now that I think about it, Skeleton could be improved by adding wolves too. Couldn't every sport be improved with wolves though?

Ed Ranks the 5 Best Winter Olympic Sports

The first ever Ed Ranks Everything was "Ed Ranks the Top 5 Best Summer Olympic Sports."

Well my friends, it's Winter Olympics time.

5. Speed Skating

Do not adjust your screen settings.
That is indeed a brother at the Winter Olympics.

Hell yeah! This is the Track and Field equivalent of the Winter Olympics and it's great. There are various different meter ranges for these events, ranging from 500 to 10,000 and team skating. Although the women's single events only go up to 5,000. Sexist. Since 1988 there has also been "short track" speed skating, which I'll also lump in here because I'm being general. The Dutch are the kings and queens of this sport and dominate it. Going into the 2018 Olympics, they have 105 medals in this sport. The next closest country is the United States - with only 67 medals. It must be those long Dutch legs since they're the tallest people in the world. But you just know if we teach Usain Bolt how to skate, the Dutch are doomed.

4. Curling

Honestly, this is a real sport. And it's great.

Why is this terrible, terrible sport so mesmerizing? I want to make fun of it. Everyone already does make fun of it. And yet I still watch it every four years, whenever it is on.  It's like watching some unholy mix of ice hockey, bowling, shuffleboard, and sweeping your damn living room floor. This is the sport that makes everyone go, "Oh yeah. I could TOTALLY be an Olympic athlete." And yet you aren't because actual skill is required. So as much as I want to put this on my next "worst sports" list, I honestly can't because I will be scheduling my life the next few days around being able to watch this awesomeness.

3. Ice Hockey

Putin's #2 US agent. You all know who #1 is.

In my "Ed Ranks the Top 5 Worst Summer Olympic Sports" (my second ever post, naturally), I lumped the sports of Soccer, Basketball, Tennis, Golf, Boxing, etc. all together as being "worst" Olympic sports. Why? Well, I argued it was because they were popular sports that people watched and followed all the time through their own professional leagues like the NBA, FIFA, etc.  People care who wins the NBA Championship, the FIFA World Cup, the Australian Open, etc. But nobody really cares too much about these sports in the Olympics because there is nothing "special" about them during the Olympics since they see these sports all the time.  I think the best Olympic sports are the ones that are special because you only watch them every four years and are closely associated with the Olympic games themselves.

By this logic and the mere existence of the NHL, I should also have Ice Hockey as a "worst" Winter Olympic sport too, right? Wrong. The NHL is garbage. The version of Ice Hockey played during the Winter Olympics is so much better than the NHL and I barely ever watch NHL games. But the Olympics? You can bet your ass that I'm watching Hockey. And when people watch Ice Hockey they actually CARE about the results because it's really competitive. With NBA players in the summer Olympics, you know it's going to be the mean-ass USA beating up on everyone else. But with Olympic Hockey - it really was a miracle when the US won in 1980. You're definitely going to watch awesome and fierce competition between the Canadians, Czechs, Russians, Swedes, etc. Canada will probably win though, let's be honest. Does the fact that the 2018 Olympics won't have any NHL players in it due to fighting over issues like insurance and injuries bother me? Not really.

2. "Awesome" Skiing (Alpine, Freestyle, Jumping)

Whhhheeeeeeeee!!!

Look, by this I'm taking a large number of different events (11 different Alpine Skiing, 10 different Freestyle Skiing , and 4 Ski Jumping) and merging them into one category that's simply called "Awesome" Skiing. No, that's not a technical term. I'm just a super-duper clever person who was able to make such a sophisticated term up. These are the enjoyable skiing events in the Olympics that include people going down hills really fast, flipping, rapidly maneuvering between polls and gates, and (as its jumping name implies) doing sweet, huge jumps.  The jumping event is almost different enough so that I'd break it out into its own one, but since it's awesome it will stay with these other awesome skiing things. These are all automatic-watches for me, as much as possible. I'll watch several hockey games but after a while I'll get tired. No way am I ever getting tired of super G, slalom, aerials, ski cross, superpipe, large hill jump, and so on. Why? Because these events are fast and you can watch a ton of different skiers in short order.

1. Bobsled / Luge / Skeleton

Here, let's just get the "Cool Runnings" reference over with already.

When I ranked the best Summer Olympic sport, I awarded #1 to Handball / Water Polo. Yes, I know they are two different sports. But they are basically the same thing. Honestly, Water Polo is just Handball in a pool. The same goes for Bobsled, Luge and Skeleton. You get in a sled and race down a track. For all three sports, its the exact same track they go down.  The difference is exactly what the sled looks like, how many people are on the sled, and what direction they are facing. For bobsled you have 4-man, 2-man and 2-women teams in larger, aerodynamic encasing that almost look like little cars.  This is the hoighty-toighty rich-man version of throwing yourself down a track on a sled at high speeds. It's sort of cool because you need a running start by the person behind to get going. Luge is more out in the open, with 1 or 2-person teams laying on their backs, feet first, using gravity to race down a hill on a sled that isn't honestly much more sophisticated than the ones you, I, or Charles Foster Kane went down hills on when we were children. You're released from the gate in luge without a running start though. So you can't get a good "push" to help you be the fastest - you need to rely entirely on optimal steering to cheat seconds away from your competitors.

What could possibly go wrong with this?

Skeleton, however... HOLY HELL. Skeleton has the openness of the minimal luge sled except that you need to jump onto this tiny thing from a running start (like bobsled) and then careen down the track, belly-down and face first. That's right. You're on your stomach going FACE FIRST down the exact same track that the bobsledders do, only those pussy bobsledders have a giant metal and polycarbonate cocoons to protect themselves in. I'm sure there is some actual reason why this sport is called "Skeleton," but the only justification I can think of is that it's because you're going to die and they will have to clean your broken-apart skeleton off of the bottom of the track.

So if you need me to break this down further and divide these three events apart to pick one "best of the best"... then your overall best Winter Olympic Sport, by far, is Skeleton. These Skeleton guys and gals are badass.

Ed Ranks Italian Cheeses by How Much they Sound Like Criminal Syndicates

This one is not going to make any sense. Just accept that I'm killing some time until I unload a number of Winter Olympics-themed rankings.

A lethal Mozzarella Mobster... or just Paul Muni in Scarface?

15. Mozzarella

Example News Headline: "Informant Turns Evidence on Mozzarella Consigliere"

Analysis: Nobody is going to fall for this. Mozzarella is far too famous for anyone to think it's anything other than the best cheese. That's right, Mozzarella is the best. Now you don't have to worry about me ranking cheeses in general, because you already know #1. 

14. Gorgonzola

Example News Headline: "Gorgonzola-Linked Vegas Escort Service Shut Down, 14 Charged in Brothel Roundup"

Analysis: Gorgonzola doesn't sound like an Italian Criminal Syndicate. This prostitution headline does seem accurate though, because Gorgonzola totally sounds like it's an STD. As in, "You had sex with a hooker in Vegas? Dude, you better get a shot of penicillin before that Gorgonzola makes your pee burn."

What a waste of good bootleg hooch.

13. Provolone

Example News Headline: "Former Whiskey Bootlegging Boss Francesco Provolone, 74, Dies in Prison"

Analysis: Like "Mozzarella," too many basic bitches know about Provolone for anyone to confuse it with a faction of the Cosa Nostra. Although there was once a Cosa Nostra Capo named "Provenzano," so that's close... right?

12. Parmigiano

Example News Headline: "Horse Racing Suspended in Palermo, Police Investigate Race Fixing by Parmigiano Mafia"

Analysis: Everyone knows Parma is famous for cheese and Prosciutto.  While I'm sure there are indeed some criminal syndicates active in Parma, nobody would actually think they would be named "Parmigiano."

11. Asiago

Example News Headline: "Wiretap Evidence Key to Bringing Down Asiago Syndicate"

Analysis: I would not at all feel threatened if some goons shook me down and said they were representing the Asiago family. Besides, Asiago is up near the Alps. You'd be too winded from that high atmosphere to run an effective criminal enterprise.

10. Burrata

Example News Headline: "US Attorney Indicts Drug Kingpin Lorenzo Burrata"

Analysis: I suppose Burrata sounds a little bit like an Italian family name, but not much. I'm not a fan of Burrata, by the way. Whenever I see a Burrata video on Instagram, I hope it's going to be one of those awesome bloody egg yolk videos. But then when white goo flows out instead of orange yolk, I'm like "Damn... Burrata? Gross, I wanted #yolkporn."

9. Ricotta

Example News Headline: "Caporegime of Ricotta Family Found Dead in East Harlem"

Analysis: Sure. Why not? Ricotta could be some Italian form of "Richard." Although you'd think a crime family would name itself after someone's surname rather than a given name.

8. Pecorino

Example News Headline: "On Seventh Anniversary of Vanishing, Pecorino Mob Boss Ruled Dead in Absentia"

Analysis: This one could go either way. I'd think, "No, that's a cheese!" first. But then afterwards I'd be like, "Or it could be a cheese AND a Sicilian family deeply into protection racketeering."

7. Fontina

Example News Headline: "Hitman Testifies to Involvement in 16 Murders on Orders of Fontina Crime Family"

Analysis: Fontina definitely sounds like it's some Italian surname. But Fontina also sounds more like the last name of a lounge singer, rather than someone who is going to take out my knees for not laundering his money.

Delicious cheese... or DEADLY MOB WEAPON?

6. Caciocavallo

Example News Headline: "Caciocavallo Associate Convicted of Jury Tampering, Fraud"

Analysis: Oh shit! now we're into solid territory where this ABSOLUTELY sounds like an Italy-based criminal syndicate.

5. Taleggio

Example News Headline: "37 Taleggio Crime Family Associates Busted for Cocaine Imports, Extortion"

Analysis: This headline sounds straight up legit. Who would have known that Taleggio is actually a highly pungent, smear-ripened, semi-soft, cow's milk cheese?

4. Robiola

Example News Headline: "Godfather of Robiola Family Slain; Mob Chief and 2 Others Die in Gruesome Rubout"

Analysis: Robiola cheese is one of the specialties of the Aosta Valley. But who's to say that hollow-point bullets aren't also one of their specialties?

This "cheese" business looks super profitable.

3. Mascarpone

Example News Headline: "Mascarpone Underboss Convicted of Racketeering; D.A. Seeks 20+ Years under RICO Act"

Analysis: Sure, Mascarpone is a delicious Italian version of cream cheese. But if you were in Hells Kitchen in the 1960's and some guy named "Joey Mascarpone" told you to drop a bag of cash off at the West Side piers...  then you better fucking do it and not ask any questions.

2. Scamorza

Example News Headline: "FBI Raid Ensnares Head of Scamorza Family"

Analysis: Do not fuck with the Scamorzas or they will throw you in a giant vat of acid. Not unlike how fresh curds are matured in their own whey for several hours to allow their acidity to develop by the process of lactose being converted to lactic acid in order to make the most delicious Scamorza cheese. Have it smoked or fresh... your call!

This looks pleasantly non-criminal.

1. Caprino

Example News Headline:  "7 Caprino Mobsters Massacred on Saint Valentine's Day"

Analysis: Oh, like you knew the actual names associated with the respective (southern) Al Capone and (northern) Bugs Moran-associated crime factions in 1920's Chicago? I could easily tell you that one of those two sides was the "Caprino" family, and you'd just nod your head and say, "Yeah, that sounds about right." 

Ed Ranks the Top 10 Tweets Using the Hashtag #TomBradyIsTheDevil

Pictured: Tom Brady

Happy Superb Owl™ day, everyone.

Tom Brady is a 7,000 year old man who is still very good at football, especially by cheating. Some people think he might have made a deal with the devil in order to be so good at this age. Other people, however, speculate that he might just be the devil himself.  And do you know where you can find those people? That's right, on Twitter.

Here are a ranking of the top 10 Tweets with  the hashtag #TomBradyIsTheDevil

10.  Tracy Fee (11/25/2013)

#TomBradyisthedevil

— Tracy Fee (@tfee1829) November 25, 2013

Analysis:  This one is pretty simple. Tracy keeps it short and sweet. Tracy Fee is the first Twitter user to have their entire Tweet be just "TomBradyIsTheDevil" with nothing else. Note that Tracy isn't the first person to ever use that hashtag. That honor goes to a different person (below).

9. CassieP (11/2/2014)

Hoping Tom Brady's pretty face gets smashed into the turf today. #TomBradyistheDevil

— CassieP (@CassiePerrone) November 2, 2014

Analysis:  Some people in life have understandable desires. CassieP is one of those people.

8. Dave Slape (1/17/2010)

#TomBradyistheDevil and he sucked off a horse!!!! well a colt named peyton...lol

— David Slape (@Jugernaut209) January 17, 2010

Analysis:  This one is super crude and not that witty. But I need to give Dave Slape credit. This appears to be the first ever Tweet that uses the Hashtag. I can't swear that's a 100% fact. But at the very least, it's the first hashtag of it that I can find on a public account. You're an early pioneer of Twitter hate, Jugernaut209. 

7. Jeff Chambers (1/21/2018)

I wish the Patriots airplane and would collide with the Alabama airplane so I could enjoy watching football again!!!!#tombradyisthedevil

— Jeff Chambers (@fuzzychambers) January 21, 2018

Analysis: A pretty recent Tweet. And here I was thinking I was the only one this petty about sports.

 6. Erick Paschall (1/21/2018)

@MikeTaylorShow Many people are saying that Tom Brady cut his hand as a blood sacrifice in order to continue his GOAT march into history. #tombradyisthedevil

— erick paschall (@enp777) January 21, 2018

Analysis: Another recent entry. In fact, the exact same day as the last entry. The stars were aligning for people calling out Brady at the AFC Championship game two weeks ago. Linking the hand cut to a blood sacrifice is a sign that @enp777 is willing to actually provide some evidence to back up his claims that Tom Brady is Beelzebub, Lord of All Things Dark.


 5. Josh Daniels (1/21/2013)

Falcons got plucked and Tom Brady throws an interception to end the game. Twas a great night tonight. #TomBradyisthedevil

— Josh Daniels (@Jaboose) January 21, 2013

Analysis:  This one gets ranked in the Top 5 simply for using "Twas." Anyone who uses "Twas" in a Tweet not about Christmas gets points.

4. Mike Emerson (1/24/2016)

SOMEBODY PLLLEEEEEEAAAASE BOOM THE FUCK OUT OF "TOM BRADY"!!!!!.....#TOMBRADYISTHEDEVIL

— mike emerson (@MuscleeMike) January 24, 2016

 Analysis:  The sentiment to this one is nearly identical to the sentiment of CassieP (#9) above. However, "boom the fuck out of Tom Brady" has a much more elegant and poetic ring to it. And @MuscleeMike is nothing if not polite about his request. He says "please" and everything. What a gentleman!

3. nygrlnla (5/6/2015)

"Generally aware"?!?!? WTF? Is that like a little bit pregnant? #TomBradyIsTheDevil #NYJets

— nygrlnla (@nygrlnla) May 6, 2015

Analysis: In response to the DeflateGate reports where Investigator Ted Wells found that Brady was "generally aware of the inappropriate activities of McNally and Jastremski."  Good point, nygrlnla. 

2. Marisa Hamvay (1/19/2014)

If the husband is rooting for the Patriots, that is legal grounds for divorce, right?! #TomBradyistheDevil

— Marisa Fierle Hamvay (@MarisaHamvay) January 19, 2014

 Analysis: Yes, it is. 

1. Greg Prince (2/2/2015)

Patriots have a point differential of +6 in their last 6 Super Bowls. Winning percentage a tick over .666. #TomBradyIsTheDevil

— Greg Prince (@greg_prince) February 2, 2015

 Analysis: Solid and indisputable evidence. Let's gather the pitchforks now, attack and chain up Tom Brady, and then do some Salem-style witch trial to find him guilty and sentence him to death.

Ed Ranks the 10 Best / Worst Members of the nWo

Queue porn music.

Hey, remember the WCW’s new World order?  Yeah. These are the 10 best and 10 worst members of that professional wrestling stable. 

TEN BEST

10. Masahiro Chono – Leader of the nWo Japan in New Japan Pro Wrestling (NJPW). Do you not know about this? You have some Wikipedia articles to catch up on, my friend.

9. Konnan - Yo yo yo, let me speak on this. There was a time in the 1990's when wearing red lumberjack flannel made you an “urban homeboy” rather than a filthy hipster. Isn’t that really strange in hindsight?

Nice hat.

8. Buff Bagwell – You just wanted to always punch this smug, steroided-up douche in the face whenever you saw him. And isn’t that the point of a heel wrestler? To hate them? So… mission accomplished, Buff Bagwell.

7. Scott Steiner – There’s nothing finer than Scott Steiner on a recliner, going to a diner with a Shriner and a miner, ordering a shiner (bock), beating up some whiner wearing eyeliner that came over from Asia Minor via a jetliner and… uhmmm… okay, I think I’m out now.

6. Randy Savage – Randy Savage was great. But again… did he really NEED to be in the nWo? I think he and the LOVELY MISS ELIZABETH would have been fine on their own.

5. Hollywood Hulk Hogan – I guess you have to give some credit to the fact that the nWo got the most famous wrestler of all time, Hulk Hogan, to do the "unthinkable" by transforming the babyface into a heel, brother.  It’s a shame they essentially parked the WCW Heavyweight Championship on Hogan like the ENTIRE time he was in WCW though and barely ever gave anyone else a chance at it, brother. Hollywood Hogan was the only time that boring-ass Hogan was ever interesting though, brother. Except in that one grainy video, brother. You know the one, brother. R.I.P. Gawker.

4. Eric Bischoff – Hell yeah, Bischoff! The nWo plotline wouldn’t have even made sense without the Bischoff charter. Bischoff (the actual person, not the fictional, kayfabe “Eazy E” version of himself from TV), was the Executive Producer to Executive Vice President. Which in reality meant he ran WCW.  Kayfabe, his Eazy E character was essentially the same – except that he turned evil and joined the nWo to take on the WCW.  Actually, now that I think about it... none of it actually makes any damn sense even with Bischoff if you think about it too hard.

3. Syxx – I don’t like X-Pac. But I liked Syxx. Does that even make sense? Of course it doesn’t.

2. Scott Hall – Hey Yo, Hall was the Bonnie to Kevin Nash’s Clyde. If only Hall could have stayed healthy and sober enough to be around all the time, he would have been even better. The Outsiders ruled.

Very original hand sign.

1.  Kevin Nash – The lord and master of the new World order. There would be no nWo without him. The only bad thing you can really say about Nash’s reign is when the nWo disgustingly split in half and Nash ran the babyface nWo: Wolfpac faction. The nWo as good guys was stupid.  A lot of people say the “Fingerpoke of Doom” was the virtual end of WCW. No way. The Fingerpoke of Doom was awesome. Thank goodness they all became heels again.


TEN WORST

10. Disco Inferno – Disco Inferno is awesome, let's get that straight. Putting him on this “Worst” list doesn’t mean that Disco wasn’t awesome. He just should have never been in the nWo.  Disco was a perfectly good and interesting mid-carder, Cruiserweight heel wrestler without needing to be in a stable.  How is Disco supposed to show off his sparkling disco suits if he has to wear the stupid black shirt?

9. Scott Norton – Scott Norton’s life story must be some type of “deal with the devil” story where he made said deal with the devil in order to be a “famous TV wrestler.” However the devil, always screwing people over with his deals, made him a mediocre, forgettable mid-carder for life. I don’t think he ever got a single belt in his whole time in the WCW. Not even the Tag Championship when he was part of “Vicious and Delicious.” Not even one of those shitty belts that nobody cares about. Yeah, I’m looking at you, United States Heavyweight Championship belt. Even Dean Malenko and David Flair won that belt, Scott.

8. nWo Sting – How lame is it that WCW had both a wrestler named “Sting” as well as another wrestler, in identical makeup to the guy called “Sting,” who was called “nWo Sting.” His plot was that he was exactly like the other Sting, except a member of the nWo instead of NOT a member of the nWo because he wore the nWo T-Shirt.  This era of Sting (the fake “The Crow” version that never talked, rather than sparkly Fake Ultimate Warrior Sting) was super boring. Because he never talked. So why have a second fake copycat who also never talks or does anything interesting except leer in the rafters?

7. Bret Hart – Why the hell was Bret Hart in the nWo? This never made any sense and just showed that WCW’s writers had no idea what the hell they were doing.  I can't remember exactly when this happened, but I have a feeling that it was Vince Russo's fault. I could be wrong, but blaming Vince Russo for a terrible story decision at WCW seems like a safe bet.

6. Dennis Rodman – “Celebrity” nWo members were always a terrible idea. And yet they kept doing it again and again and again.

5. The Disciple - Brutus Beefcake sucked as Brutus Beefcake. He sucked even worse as “The Disciple.”

4. Kyle Petty – Yes, THAT Kyle Petty. Did you remember that the nWo used to have a NASCAR? Well, of course you did, if you’re still bothering to read this. White trash loves wrestling and also loves NASCAR. So it's kind of a no-brainer. And thus Kyle Petty was a de-facto nWo member, despite being a racecar driver and not a ‘rassler. This video makes me even wonder if they bothered having an editor for those n.W.o. segments:



3. Michael Wallstreet – Mike Rotunda was an nWo member for a while. Nobody cared.

2. Barry Windham – There used to be that running joke about the "nWo B-Team" – the collection of undesirable mid-carders, jobbers and valets in the nWo, just supporting the bigger stars while never getting a push or story arc of their own. These are the Scott Nortons, Vincents, Horace Hogans and Stevie Rays of wrestling history. Barry Windham wasn’t even nWo B-Team quality. He was more like C-Team or D-Team.

1. Kendall Jenner – I know this one doesn’t technically count, but what the literal fuck?