Ed Ranks 10 Terrible National Homophone Puns

These are all awful, and I'm not proud of typing any of them out. But here we go anyway.

(Honorable Mention) - The Emo kid in Doha who slit his wrists for attention was a Qatar Cutter.

[This one only sort of counts, because nobody agrees how to pronounce "Qatar." I've known people stationed in the country who swear it's pronounced "cutter," and that everyone saying "kah-tar" is a moron. And I've known other people who say that the people who pronounce it "cutter" are stupid military redneck hillbillies. Whatever.]

Recep Tayyip Erdoğan

10. Celebrate Thanksgiving in Istanbul with a Turkey in Turkey.

9. The speed-walking man in Moscow was a Rushin' Russian.

8. My friend from Santiago's con carne is the best Chile Chili.

7. That guy from Prague paid off his debt with a Czech Check.

6. When Stalin launched the Winter War he wanted to Finish the Finnish.

5. On its 20th Anniversary, the Class of 99' at Saint-Denis High School had its Reunion in Réunion.

4. Did you hear about the vote in Warsaw? It was a Pole Poll.

3. The neckwear I bought in Bangkok was a Thai Tie.

2. A man from Oranjestad with a a corned beef and swiss sandwich is an Arbuban with A Reuben.

1. If Ben Grimm from Fantastic Four had been from Baghdad, he would be A Rocky Iraqi.

Ed Ranks Hieroglyphs

 There are thousands of Hieroglyphs. I can't rank them all. Here are the top 50, ranked. Oh, and I have given them new names, by the way.


50. 𓀑 - Terrible Axe-ident

49.   𓁔 - The Milk Truck

48.   𓁣 - Ant-Eating Jimmy

47. 𓈖 - mmmmmmmm

46.   𓁂 - Machine Gun Kid

45.   𓄣 - A Perfectly Fine Pot

44. 𓌛 - Slice Master

43. 𓍩 - Pubes

42. 𓅽 - Man Bird

41. 𓀦 - Hobo Jones

40. 𓀄 - Creeper Boi

39. 𓍝 - Ah, Justice!

38. 𓁛 - Ball Head

37. 𓈝 - Leggy Plank

36. 𓎓 - Snake Hurdles

35. 𓀁 - Hungry Eat Man

34. 𓏢 - Guinness

33. 𓀗 - Gramps

32. 𓀎 - Legalos

31. 𓁟 - Storko

30. 𓃳 - Weird Goat Train

29. 𓁷 - Lord Goatee

28. 𓀤 - White People Dance

27. 𓁠 - RAM-ses
26. 𓁢 - Woof Woof Good Boi

25. 𓅅 - Birdo Bath

24. 𓀷 - Pharaoh Cat O' Nine Tails

23. 𓃸 - Da Poop Tosser

22. 𓀋 - Ol' Basket Head
21. 𓀌 - Big Spoon

20. 𓃟 - Bacon

19. 𓀠 - Raise the Roof

18. 𓅬 - Cap'n Quacks

17. 𓂿 - The Leg Ouch

16. 𓀪 - Jump Rope

15. 𓀧 - Amish Butter

14. 𓀿 - The Big Sleep

13. 𓃬 - Growly Meow King

12. 𓃣 - Bout to Fight the Red Baron

11. 𓁉 - Oliver Twist

10. 𓅔 - Double Bubo 

9. 𓆚 - Hisser McBitey

8. 𓀏 - Kinky Bondage Dude

7. 𓆋 - My Doggo is a Crocco

6. 𓁅 - Juggle Master

5. 𓆣 - That Dung Lover

4. 𓀬 - Lord of Giraffes

3. 𓃕 - Your Moo God

2. 𓋹 - Loopy Cross

1. 𓂀 - Good Ol' Blinky

Ed Ranks NES Games Released by Ultra

It's not Konami! It's... eh... okay, it is Konami.

Were you aware that the producers of video games, much like the mafia, liked to set up front companies? I'll tell you why! Back in the day, Nintendo of America had a sort of stupid rule, that prevented any particular company from releasing more than five video games on its Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) console. Therefore, the video game company Konami set up its own little front company called "Ultra," in order to release additional games in the North American market. Therefore, some video games were released in Japan as "Konami" games, while being released as "Ultra" games in the US, and "Palcom" games in the European market (yet another Konami front company).

These are those Ultra video games, ranked.

17. RollerGames - This is a forgettable game based on forgettable roller derby TV show. The TV show lasted for one season. Do you remember the show? Probably not. Do you remember the game? Probably not.

Good luck entering the Konami code backwards.

16. Gyruss - This is a 1983 arcade game, and basically a Galaga copycat. Six years later, it was converted to the NES by Ultra. A six-year old Galaga copycat adaption does not make a great game.

15. Q*bert - Look, you've heard of Q*bert and the game is pretty famous, so you might be unsure why this is ranked this low. Well, it's for much of the same reason that Gyruss above is ranked pretty low. I have no problem with the original Q*bert arcade game, which was released in 1982 and was completely fine for its time. You play a circular dude with a weird tube mouth that goes around swearing and jumping up a pyramid (that was as close to 3D technology that early1980s games could get). Yet this adaption was totally unnecessary for the NES when it was released in 1989. Video games had moved on from the old 1982 technology and gameplay in the SEVEN years between original release and NES adaption.

14. Kings of the Beach - A beach volleyball game, with nothing particularly exciting about it.

13. Defender of the Crown - Another re-release of a previously existing game, this time of a game that originally came out on the Commodore Amiga (a PC, not a video game system) in 1986. Some games are better on PCs than on video game systems.  This is one of them.

12. Silent Service - Yet again, a 1989 adaption of an earlier 1985 game. This one was developed by the legendary Sid Meier (of Civilization fame), and features you serving in the US Submarine Command during World War II. Not originally a Japanese Konami game, but instead developed by Rare. Obviously. It would be weird if this game about hunting villainous Japanese forces during WWII was a Japanese game. It wasn't.

Still better than Ski and Die.

11. Ski or Die - Skate or Die is a great game. You've probably heard of it. We'll talk about it later! This is the "Winter Sports" spinoff of that game. It's meh.

10. Snake's Revenge - This is an interesting bit of video game history. After the smash success of Metal Gear, Ultra rushed to produce this sequel, without the involvement of series creator Hideo Kojima. They should have been more patient, as Kojima went on to develop a separate sequel called Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake. That one was released in Japan only, and is seen as vastly superior. This is a weird one where the villain from the first one, Big Boss (not yet established in continuity as Solid Snake's daddy, Naked Snake, until much later), comes back as cyborg. This game is a curiosity, but is totally discounted in the (already convoluted) continuity of the Metal Gear series.

9. Pirates! - This was a fantastic computer game for the PC, and might have been one of the greatests of its time. As with Silent Service, another Sid Meier adaption, this one featuring open-world gameplay where you live the life of privateer. Its just fine on the Nintendo, but like others above better on original computer format. Nintendo was also noted for family friendly censorship, and key aspects about the pirate life like having some "Tobacco" were replaced by boring stuff like "Crops."

8. Star Trek: 25th Anniversary - Great on this game for getting such iconic licensing, and it's at least an enjoyable-ish game. You're part of the crew of the original Star Trek show (Kirk and all), and you're going to Sigma Iotia II. Until you get caught in time space thingamajig that sends you to parts unknown. They you have to do a bunch of jumps between worlds, searching for dilithium crystals to get back.

7. Nightshade - You've probably totally forgotten about this game, and/or never heard about it in the first place. You play a superhero named "Nightshade," who fights crime in Metro city. The game is full of bad jokes (which it admits are bad jokes) and pop culture references.  It has point-and-click game elements, and also a "popularity meter" that effects the game. It definitely tried to be different and innovative, but never caught on. I'll give it an "B" for effort, and for being somewhat original though.

There were zero other games in the "Cyber Stadium Series"

6. Base Wars - This game may not be all that amazing, but I have fond memories of it, so I'll rank it this high. It's a baseball game set in the future, with human players being replaced by robots because WHY NOT? Something about whiny humans asking for salaries or something. Robots don't need no money. This game had everything a 10-year-old boy (that would be me in 1991, when this came out) - would be interested in. Baseball. Robots. What's not to love? A spiritual precursor to the awesomeness that would be Mutant League Football two years later, and a good way to create a sports video game that stands out despite a lack of official licensing from a sports league. 

5. Mission: Impossible - Based on the 1988 reboot of/sequel to Mission: Impossible (rather than the original and more famous version, or the movie reboot series that would come later in the 90's), you can play as the 1988 show's Max, Grant and Nicholas characters. You can flip in the game between the different characters, which was important and necessary because each had different skills. Sort of like Maniac Mansion, right? That's a good gimmick for a game, and good on them for getting licensing for the TV show. 

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - What game is "the original TMNT" game can be confusing/ For purposes of the Nintendo Entertainment System, this is the first one. An enjoyable game that EVERYONE had to have when it came out in 1989 because in 1989 the Ninja Turtles were bigger than Jesus and the Beatles combined. It featured overall top-scrolling at a city-level, followed up by action/gameplay that is side-scrolling. The problem with this one? Super hard gameplay. I, like almost everyone else, had a near to impossible time to get past Level 2, where you have to jump into the water and swim around to disarm a bunch of bombs (on a ludicrously short time limit) that are protected by killer seaweed and bolts of electricity. I probably played this game a million times and disarmed all the bombs like four times.

3. Skate or Die! - One of the original 1988 titles for Ultra, you compete in five different skateboarding events. A super memorable game, and as with Base Wars I'm sure my memories of loving this game are actually making it a better game than it was. And points for a cool, memorable name. Who the hell is going to remember RollerGames or Gyruss decades later? Nobody. But Skate or Die? Now that's a memorable name. I assume most people choose to skate.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game - This was called "Part II" on the NES, but in many ways it is the actual original Ninja Turtles game, having been released in the Arcade in 1989. Hence the whole "The Arcade Game" in the title. Why didn't this get released as the original TMNT game on the NES? Probably because there was some difficulty in adapting the 4-person arcade game to the 2-person NES. I dunno. I'm not doing a crapload of research here. That just sounds right. This game is in almost every way superior to the first TMNT game, and had great side-scrolling fighting action.

Definitely "not" Kyle Reese.

1. Metal Gear - Ah, the greatest Konami game of all time was technically an Ultra game in North America. The original Hideo Kojima game, which I absolutely adored on the NES, but would go on to become an even bigger franchise after Metal Gear: Solid hit the Playstation years later, and expanded the franchise and its continuity to deeper levels. You play Solid Snake, an operative the special forces group FOXHOUND, infiltrating a mercenary-controlled state called "Outer Heaven" (yeah, none of these words make any sense, and the plot of the game manuals released in America often contradicted the plot in the actual game) to investigate and stop the creation of Metal Gear, a bipedal Mecha tank WMD, capable of launching nuclear missiles. As you play you learn that your own boss, "Big Boss" is actually the mastermind behind Metal Gear and Outer Heaven. So that's fun! The developers initially wanted another shoot em up type of game, but due to technical limitations, actually settled on turning it into a game of espionage and all-powerful stealth instead. Which made it legendary. There is no doubt this game would be #1, despite featuring some serious translation flaws.

Ed Ranks the Sacraments of the Catholic Church

I'm not even Catholic, so I'm just winging this one.

This is not a picture of a medieval nail salon.

7. Anointing of the Sick

This is a sacrament that sucks, because if you're about to get it, it means that you are about to die. When someone is gravely ill, a priest will anoint them with oil (typically blessed olive oil, and it doesn't even have to be Extra Virgin) in order to give comfort, peace, and courage. If the sick person is so sick that he or she has been unable to make a confession (see Penance) to their latest sins, the act of anointing of the sick will also provide the sick person with forgiveness of their sins. The reasoning behind the anointing of the sick occurs in three of the four gospels (all but John), and also appears in the Epistle of James. This sacrament is often given along with (and confused with) "Last Rites," although last rites are a different set of prayers and activities.

6. Holy Orders

Holy Orders is the sacrament by which a man (yep, it has to be a man, sorry) is made a bishop, priest, or deacon, and is dedicated for service to the church. Therefore, this doesn't apply to everyone. You will not receive this sacrament unless you're planning on becoming a church official yourself. Once someone who does take the Holy Orders does so, they are allowed to perform all of the other sacraments listed here. This makes it sort of a meta-sacrament that applies to the other sacraments. It's also considered one of the two "sacraments of service." This one will get ranked pretty low because, you know, it doesn't even apply to most people.

5. Confirmation

Just getting baptized (see below) doesn't get you all up and in the good graces of God for Catholics, oh no. In addition to getting baptized, you're also going to need to get confirmed in order to "confirm and strengthen baptismal grace." Confirmation is like baptism, but involves the holy official placing consecrated oil (Chrism, myrrh, etc.) upon the recipient's forehead while saying the correct words and drawing the sign of the cross. Fun! Right? The age at which this has done has been all over the place throughout the history of the Church. It happens after baptism for sure, but beyond that over the years it's been all over the place, the rules changing through various synods and councils. The general rule these days is that it occurs after reaching an age of "reason," "discretion," or "maturity." Oh, you also have to be in good holy standing to receive it, meaning that you've confessed any sins you committed. Given the wide difference in ages that confirmations have been given over time, it has sometimes been flip-flopped with the Eucharist.

This baby looks a bit large.

4. Baptism

One of the three (and probably the most famous of the) sacraments of initiation. Baptism involves conferred pouring water (three times) on the recipient's (typically a baby, but not always) head. When doing this, the holy official says, "I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." The practice dates back to the Gospel of John, in which Jesus says, "Unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter into the Kingdom of God." So yeah, you're gonna need this divine water spritz to get into heaven.

3. Matrimony

This one should be pretty obvious, right? This is the sacrament where a priest or other holy official weds two people (man and woman in the Catholic faith), and thus a permanent and exclusive bond, sealed by God. The sacrament confers on the couple the grace they need for attaining holiness in their married lifem and for the responsible upbringing of their children. Obviously, we all know that in most countries these days, government officials can marry people without any specific religious involvement. However to be a Catholic marriage, there are a number of rules such as both must be baptized, a Catholic church official must be involved, there need to be two witnesses, etc.). That's about all I'll write about this one, since I assume even if you're not Catholic that you know what the hell marriage is.

The body of Christ.

2. Eucharist

So you've already been baptized and (maybe) confirmed? You're not done! Much like Tic-Tac-Toe, the Catholic sacraments of initiation require three in a row. This is the one that historically completed your initiation into the faith, and is also called the "Blessed Sacrament." This is the one where you eat bread (or lets be honest... crackers) and wine, and they - though the process of transubstantiation - turn into the body and blood of Christ. Which means as part of your Catholic rites, you have to eat your Lord and savior. How this works in more detail is explained in John 6:47-67. Catholics can, and should, do this through life, unlike single-time baptisms and confirmations. The first time you receive the Eucharist (typically between ages 7 and 13) is called the "First Communion." With the changing age at which children receive their confirmation, the confirmation can and has confusingly slipped to become the third, rather than second, of the initiation sacraments. This one ranks up here for the sole reason that crackers are tasty.

1. Penance

The first of the two sacraments of healing, penance (e.g. reconciliation) is the sacrament of "spiritual healing" resulting from a holy official (e.g. priest) absolving you of sins committed. The concept is that it has to be done to an already baptized person, and that baptized person has (naturally) committed sins, which distance himself from the grace of God. By confessing to those sins to a priest, you can be absolved. More accurately: it's a four step process: 1. Contrition (sincere remorse for the sin); 2. Confession (to a priest); 3. Absolution of the sin (by the priest, who is the only one with the power to do so); and 4. Satisfaction of Penance (through acts such as prayer, charity). These says the acts of penance are more like "say the rosary" or "give three hail Marys" rather than the old-school penances like "beat yourself with a whip until you bleed super hard, sinner!" This one has to rank pretty high, because the "getting absolved of your sins" thing is super important, isn't it?

Ed Ranks Division I College Bowl Games by Stupidity

These bowl names are not GREEEEAAAAT!

Happy 2020! I'm pretty sure that there are dozens of rankings of the College Football Bowl games out there. Some of them will likely try to rank ALL of them, which is dumb because there are way too many. Others might do the Top 10. This is also pretty useless, because I'm sure that most people will Rank the Rose Bowl as #1, right?

So, instead of that, in this bowl season, I will rank the 10 stupidest Division I bowl games. What exactly makes these stupid? Eh, it's sort of a mixed bag, but factors include:

• No legacy or history - Some of these bowl games were created like 4 years ago. Who cares? 
• Shitty teams always play in them - linked to the above, of course. If mediocre teams play in the bowl, then it's a stupid bowl. 
• Who the hell is that sponsor? - Has some Podunk company that you've never heard of gathered enough coins together to sponsor some mediocre bowl with no history and terrible teams? This is a stupid bowl. Alternatively, the sponsor's name could just be dumb as hell on its own, which links to our final (and arguably most important factor)...
• Dumb Name - This could be a dumb name on its own, or a dumb name when combined with the corporate sponsor referenced above. When it's a combination of the two, chances are that the bowl game's name is ludicrously long, tedious, or simply represents a company whose name makes no sense when teamed up with the bowl. 

Note that this ranking only counts the 10 stupidest bowl names still in existence today.  There are all sorts of stupid bowl games in the past, especially based on stupidly-named companies. Alas, the Duck Commander Independence Bowl, BattleFrog Fiesta Bowl, and the Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl are all lost to history. As they should be.

10. Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl - The Sun Bowl is the oldest and most important bowl on this list. It dates all the way back to 1935, and I'm sure is present on a number of "Top 10" bowl lists. It has legacy, it has history, and it has decent teams playing in it. The sponsor is even notable - everyone has heard of the Kellogg's company, as well as their Frosted Flakes Cereal. Yet this isn't the Kellogg's Bowl, nor is it the Frosted Flakes Bowl. This is the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl. So the stupidity of this name is the only reason I'm placing this year, despite the other factors that hypothetically make this a non-stupid bowl game.

9. NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl - I have no idea what the hell NOVA Home Loans is. Google searches for it pretty much only hit with the bowl game itself. From what I can guess, it's simply a local Arizona Home Loan company. Why would a small, local company pay out big bucks for a Division I football game that (hypothetically) gets national coverage? Seems like this is money thrown down the drain. Also, this name is way too long.

8. FBC Mortgage Cure Bowl - The Cure Bowl is presumably named after some grand fight to find the cure to cancer, a very noble cause. Placing a corporate sponsor on the fight to cure cancer is pretty damn tacky in general. A corporate sponsor being some shit mortgage company is even worse. At least if the company had some connection to the medical industry, that would be something. I suppose.

Ha! A potato marginally resembles a football!

7. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl - Yeah, the Potato Bowl. Paid for by the Idaho Potato industry. Fun. Ironically, this used to be named the "Humanitarian Bowl" in the same notion of doing good as the "Cure Bowl," until college football decided that advertising potatoes made more money. Potatoes don't need ads. Potatoes sell themselves. Idaho has nothing to worry about. Where else are you going to buy your potatoes?

6. San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl - Boy, this is a damn mouthful again, isn't it? Like the NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl, it takes about 13 minutes to finish saying the name of this bowl, and also advertises a local company that is unlikely to have any footprint outside of a small geographic area.

5. Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl - This is a pretty dumb name and it begs the question, "what the hell is Makers Wanted?" My initial assumption is that it's some sort of high-end bourbon brand from Makers, like a top-shelf or special reserve version. But then again, bourbon isn't closely associated with the Bahamas, is it? So what is Makers Wanted? I still have no damned clue. The corporate naming is apparently paid for by "Elk Grove Village," a suburban industrial park outside of Chicago, which advertises itself as the largest industrial park in North America. What does "Makers Wanted" mean then? I still don't know, even after looking at their website. This has to win the ultimate prize for WTF obscurity and confusing-ness. I'm spending a lot of time ranking this, and I still don't know exactly what they're trying to sell through this corporate sponsorship. 

4. Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl - This is a very stupid name. I don't really have any deeper analysis than that.

3. Franklin American Mortgage Company Music City Bowl - HOLY CRAP. I was joking about previous bowl names being long, but this is ludicrous. This isn't a bowl name. This is a bowl sentence. It's verging on a bowl paragraph. And when I think of music, I think of mortgage companies.

2. Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl - What the fuck?

I am confused by this "bad" dog / pirate / lawn-mowing criminal

1. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl - Gasparilla Bowl on its own is a worthless, shit name. It is an island in Florida named after a mythical pirate. Odd. Adding in the local sponsor of people who mow your lawn but also claim to be "bad boys" just takes the cake. How are these mowers bad boys? This is like in the late 90's and early 00's when everything was called "Xtreme!" Soda was Xtreme. Potato chips were Xtreme. Pier1 wicker ottomans were Xtreme. The US Treasury Department-issued bonds were Xtreme 2 tha MaxXx. If I was told the people who mowed my lawn were "bad boys," I would assume they were either career criminals who were casing my house, or that they were the "mischievous" members of boy bands who wore leather jackets and broke teenage girls' hearts. Either way, those assholes needs to stay away form my lawn.