Ed Ranks Horror Franchises

It's almost Halloween, which means that it's the month of horror films. Movie companies love these things, because they can just crank out sequels to these over and over again to get box office cash.

Note: There are a lot of good standalone horror films or movies with one or two sequels out there. They don't make the list because they're not really "franchise"-ey enough.

10. Scream - The Scream franchise sort of "brought horror films back" after years of them getting worse and worse, fading from real horror into more comical, slapstick Chucky and Freddy nonsense. So I guess it can get some credit for that. On the downside, it was so successful that afterwards everyone had to now put up with an unrelenting, non-stop series of Conjuring, Final Destination, and Paranormal Activity films.

Almost makes you forget about this.

9. Resident Evil - Can a video game movie franchise really count as great horror films? It can if I get to seeing Milla Jovovich's hot ass killing things with machine guns. These movies didn't even really need to be linked to the video games. They should have just named the films "Milla Jovovich's Hot Ass Killing Things with Machine Guns" and they still would have made thirty kabillion dollars.

8. Saw - There are pretty terrible films overall, but hey... Cary Elwes!

7.  Jaws - I'm not sure the Jaws films are really "horror" in the ways many of the other films are horror. But as I was researching, Jaws kept coming up on all the lists as a horror film. Okay. Sure. Let's go with that.  The first one is the only one that's really watchable though. I mean... sure... the other ones are "so bad they're good," I guess. Especially whichever one had Dennis Quaid and Lea Thompson at SeaWorld Orlando. HOW THE FUCK DID A GREAT WHITE SHARK GET TO ORLANDO?! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

6. The Exorcist - Yeah, these films are pretty terrifying, huh? But like with Jaws - even though it tried to be a franchise, it was more like a really famous first one, followed by mediocrity.

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street - It started as a good/scary franchise that ultimately waned off into ludicrous, campy territory where Freddy was just a joke delivery machine. Oh well.

4. Halloween - These are pretty good/scary, although let's all get together and agree that Halloween III: Season of the Witch doesn't exist and never happened.

3. Alien - These are pretty good/scary, although let's all get together and agree that Prometheus doesn't exist and never happened. Sigourney Weaver running around in a spaceship in her panties though? Yeah, that happened!

Seems friendly enough.

2. Friday the 13th - Are these films actually better than the Alien films? No, of course not. But Jason is the best horror film villain ever, and he is so damn iconic. I'm pretty sure they just had to completely change hockey goalie masks after these films because Jason just stole the look and made it his. When are children going to learn that if they have sex at camp they are going to get brutally murdered? 

1. The Evil Dead - These are the best. The first two are legitimately scary and insane. And full of blood. So. Much. Blood. The third one, Army of Darkness, is... well... not really a horror film anymore. But it's still, like, so amazing. In hindsight, the Academy Awards should just retroactively give every Oscar ever to Bruce Campbell's chin.

Ed Ranks Eurovision Song Contest Winners of the 1980s

I know absolutely nothing about terrible, Europop music of the 1980s. So for this one, I had to go onto YouTube and listen to 10 mediocre songs I’ve never heard before. This is how I rank them.

10. "Ne Partez Pas Sans Moi" by Céline Dion (1988, Switzerland)  ***DISQUALIFIED BY ED***


OH SHIT. Céline Fucking Dion?! Look, I’m not a particular fan, but I can’t deny this woman has got some lungs on her.  I suppose this is the song that made her famous and brought her international attention? I’m just guessing that nobody knew who she was, so she slipped in and just pretended to be Swiss. But in hindsight… well… everybody knows that she’s French Canadian now. Should this be allowed? How can a Canadian participate for Switzerland? Seems unfair. Looks like they pulled in a ringer. They totally fucking hustled the Eurovison contest. It apparently only beat the #2 finishing song by the UK by a single point. If I was the UK I would be pissed and complain.  You know what? These are my rankings… so fuck it. I’ll disqualify her myself. LAST PLACE. There you go, UK. Now we’re even for that whole American Revolution thing.

9. "Making Your Mind Up" by Bucks Fizz (1981, United Kingdom)


Yikes. Just yikes. Those primary colored shirts right off the bat make them look like Teletubbies or Power Rangers or… uhm… I dunno, it’s awful though. So is the song. So are the haircuts. Look at these fucking four blonde Aryans. This looks like a child’s music video. It looks like they’re about to start singing fucking “Skid-dy-mer-rink-adink-aboomp.”  The only thing that makes me think that this isn’t a music video for toddlers is the line “Take you from behind.” That… uhh… must have meant something a lot different in 1981.

8. "Diggi-Loo Diggi-Ley" by Herreys (1984, Sweden)

Sweden is, like, the king of the Eurovision contest. They’ve won more than anyone else, and also brought us goddamn ABBA. So how does Herreys stack up? Well, first off there are popped collars, primary colors, blonde hair, and unnecessarily flamboyant hand gestures in this performance. So I feel like this is just a continuation of Bucks Fizz.  I know they’re singing in Swedish, but the song title seems to be rambling nonsense. And it’s all upbeat and cheery. Gross. What was wrong with the 80's? The Soviets were in Afghanistan, people! Stop pretending like everything is happy!

7. "La det Swinge" by Bobbysocks! (1985, Norway)


So minor points for having an exclamation point in your band’s name. Good move. But will this band be as exciting as the exclamation point makes it seem? No. Not at all. These look like the Golden Girls singing in sparkly purple vests.  I guess it’s supposed to be “retro” 50’s style or something. Why was 1985 so obsessed with being retro 50s? Obviously Back to the Future captured that spirit a lot better than this swinging garbage. Although I guess Bobbysocks! never committed the cardinal sin of having an Electric Spanish-345 thinline semi-hollow guitar appear in 1955 when EVERYBODY knows that ES-345s didn’t debut until 1958. In the end, this doesn’t deserve the explanation point. It doesn’t even deserve an interrobang.

6. "Ein Bißchen Frieden" by Nicole (1982, Germany)


The title means “A Little Peace” in English, which you can tell because the song goes back and forth between German and English. So I guess we can blame like little 17-year old German girl for the rise of terrible bilingual acts like Pitbull. The song is just boring fluff, wishing and hoping for world peace. Lame. That will never happen, Nicole. Hopefully you're old enough to understand that now.

5. "Si la Vie est Cadeau" by Corinne Hermès (1983, Luxembourg)


First off, let me just point out that it looks like Corinne Hermès would have been perfectly cast as a 1980s Bond Girl. I have no idea what’s going on in this song though, since it’s all French. According to Wikipedia, it’s a song about the wonder of life and how life is like a gift. Ugh. Also, that’s way too much pink on the stage. Even for the 1980s. Too much pink!

4. "J'aime la Vie" by Sandra Kim (1986, Belgium)


Okay, so even I and my mediocre language skills am able to interpret that this title means “I Love Life,” which makes me think it’s going to be another awful, cherry, upbeat pop song. I am not looking forward to this at all.  Okay… here we go… wait… what’s this? Hrmm! Now this is what I expect from the 1980s! This music video! That lady mullet! Unnecessary displays of Belgium high school sports! Walking around the streets with a Walkman! Singing on a hill in the distance! Yeah, okay. I’ll give you credit, Sandra Kim. This is, like, the most 80’s thing ever. Or at least it’s trying to be. It's more like you're a 12 year old playing dress-up and wanting to be in an 80's music video. But close enough.

3. "Hold Me Now" by Johnny Logan (1987, Ireland)


OH SHIT! Johnny Logan is BACK AGAIN?! (see below) He already won in 1980 and he wins again in 1987?! I suppose this must have been the only time in history that someone won the competition twice. I mean, I could look that up to confirm it. But why bother? That seems like a lot of effort and I’m not going to much more effort than looking at ten YouTube videos, writing down some initial thoughts, and calling it a day. This one isn’t as good as his last win, but it seems just as mopey and sad. Although I’ll take sad over unnecessarily cheery any day of the week. If you added some electric guitars this could easily be a power ballad by Heart (the B side on the “Alone” single, I’d presume).

2. "Rock Me" by Riva (1989, Yugoslavia)


Birds chirping. An awkward exchange of dubbed “hi’s.” Weird, upbeat Croatian pop with an English chorus. A flashing, light-up floor. Still, it looks super 80’s, so that’s good, right? Who even knew there was Yugoslavian pop music in the 1980s and it wasn’t just a depressing, gray land of Soviet sadness. But then again, this was 1989 so they were pretty close to the breakup here. You know what? I actually don’t hate this one. I’m not going to buy the song off iTunes or anything, but I don’t hate it. That’s about as strong a piece of praise I can provide to any Eurovision song that’s not done by Lordi.

1. "What's Another Year" by Johnny Logan (1980, Ireland)


Starts out with jazzy saxophone. Okay. This might not be that bad. Oh man, that bright light in the music video is bothering me. It’s like staring directly into the sun. I can’t see. Will it go away? Oh wow, this song is pretty depressing. He’s alone. Crying. Full of fear. His soul is so drained from waiting for the girl he loves that time itself doesn’t even matter to him. You’re bumming me out, man. But overall, this song wasn’t as terrible as I imagined it could be. You know what? Thanks. These songs were all too cheery and happy except for your two songs, Logan. Your Irish depression actually make me feel a lot better. Plus... jazzy  saxophone! Now excuse me, I need to make sure my retinas aren't permanently damaged.

Ed Ranks Henry VIII's Wives

Henry VIII was a shitty asshole and terrible ruler. He had six wives. You've probably heard of them.
 
6. Catherine Howard

She doth sticketh the wrong penis in her.

Catherine Howard was probably a bit of a dumb ass. You know how Henry VIII had a habit of divorcing and/or executing his wives? That was mainly because he was an jerk and not a very good king (or person). But while Anne Boleyn totally did not deserve being brutally murdered by her asshole husband, Catherine might have SORT OF had it coming. Hey, I’m not saying she deserved it. Maybe a little bit. Anne Boleyn was accused of all sorts of nasty things that historians generally agree that she was completely innocent of. Catherine Howard, on the other hand, appears to have actually cheated on King Henry with one of his courtiers, Thomas Culpeper. I mean we can't be certain, but historians pretty much believe the evidence against Catherine isn't completely made up like it is with Anne. This was, you know, after Henry had already executed Anne for trumped up adultery charges. Needless to say, Catherine Howard was sent to the Tower of London and executed.

• Wife #: 5
• Reign: 1 year, 3 months, 26 days.
• How did it end? Beheaded with an axe.

5. Anne of Cleaves

The painting that catfished Henry.

Anne was barely one of Henry’s wives and her reign was only six months long. Lucky for her, it seems like she never even had to get under the tubby ginger asshole, because the marriage was declared “unconsummated.” After Henry’s “beloved” Jane died, he looked for a new wife. Rather than going with his penis (as with his last two wives), this time Henry went for a political alliance with the Protestant Germans against their filthy Catholic enemies, and was betrothed to the German Anne without ever seeing her. He had famous painter Hans Holbein paint her and bring a copy of the painting back and she was apparently acceptable. Alas, just like with Snapchat filters these days...  when she actually showed up… well… Henry was not happy. He reluctantly went through with the marriage but it was quickly annulled. While Henry totally blamed Anne for the troubles with the marriage – by this time Henry was an obese, gouty, impotent wreck. So, you know. Fuck him. He married Catherine Howard (one of Anne's ladies-in-waiting) less than a month later and you can guess how that turned out.

• Wife #: 4
• Reign: 6 months, 3 days.
• How did it end? Annulled and lived happily ever after, outliving all the others.

4. Jane Seymour

Obvious joke is obvious.

Jane is generally viewed and a tragic and/or romantic figure in the life of Henry VIII. Typically, she’s portrayed as “Henry’s true love” that was tragically taken away by dying from complications of childbirth. I call bullshit on this one. Do you really think that if she would have lived she would have had a romantic, perfect marriage with this asshole? No, he would have gotten tired of her and moved on, just like he had done to his two previous wives because he’s a dick. She was just “lucky” (not really) enough to die in childbirth after giving him a son (the future King Edward VI), and therefore sealing her romantic legacy.  But was she really this sweet, pure, innocent “true love” of Henry that died tragically? Doubt it. The Seymour family was a powerful and ambitious family. Jane’s romance with the king started around February 1536 while he was still married to Anne Boleyn and before any of the accusations of adultery, incest and treason had been brought forward.  At the very least, Jane was complicit in the downfall of Anne Boleyn that led to her execution. Anne was herself the OG jumpoff, and yet Jane became the jumpoff to the jumpoff.

• Wife #: 3
• Reign: 1 year, 4 months, 24 days.
• How did it end? Died from complications of childbirth.

3. Catherine Parr

"Survived" = Dead at 35. 

Henry’s 6th and final wife (and 3rd and final wife named “Catherine”) was Catherine Parr, who was a bit of a windowmaker herself.  Before becoming Mrs. Tudor, she was twice married. After both husbands died, she found herself working in the house of Henry’s daughter, Mary. She caught his eye and, after a two year break in marriages, Henry decided he wanted Catherine. Catherine was already in a relationship with Thomas Seymour (Jane’s brother), but she figured that if the king wanted her… well… she pretty much had to. Their marriage seems to have been ok, with no major rocking of the boat or drama. She helped to restore Henry’s relationship with both of his daughters (Mary and Elizabeth) after having previously been strained by him, ya know, ostracizing both of their mothers and delegitimizing them.  After the reconciliation, the daughters were both put back in the line of succession – thus giving us the future reigning queens Mary I and Elizabeth I.  She’s seen as being deeply intelligent, competent (she became regent while Henry was away in France) and (like Katherline below) religious. But Henry was an old, failing man by the time they were married… and eventually he died! So she outlived him! Yay, right? Not quite. She remarried AGAIN (to the aforementioned Thomas Seymour) the next year and died from childbirth complications herself. So when you learn that “Divorced-Beheaded-Died, Divorced-Beheaded-Survived” jingle to remember Henry's queens, just take “survived” with a grain of salt because being a woman having a baby in olden times is fucking terrible.

• Wife #: 6
• Reign: 3 years, 6 months, 16 days
• How did it end? She lived (a little) and he's the one that died!

2. Katherine of Aragon

Nothing funny here. This story is saaaad.

Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon were married for almost 24 years before he finagled his way out to be with his new mistress, Anne Boleyn.  This first marriage was definitely a marriage of a political alliance with the Catholic Spaniards against their filthy Protestant enemies.  Katherine was originally engaged to Arthur Tudor, Henry’s older brother and the heir to the throne. But because history just didn’t want us to have King Arthur II, fate stepped in and killed him with the sweating sickness at age 15. Valuing the political alliance, a special Papal dispensation was given that allowed Henry to marry his brother’s widow because it was not consummated. The two married several years later, when Henry was newly crowned king (he was 17, she was 23) and did not waste time with the baby-making since she was pregnant months later. The two apparently (who can know for sure?) had great love and affection for each other, but the baby-making issue was the problem. Katherine suffered a number of miscarriages, stillbirths, or children who did not survive long. Their only surviving child was Mary. As she got older, Katherine had less and less interaction with her husband (who was off having a ton of mistresses) and turned to religion. By 1525/26 Mary was no longer of child-bearing age and Henry began to be enamored with a young, flirty lady-in-waiting named Anne Boleyn.  Do I really need to explain the rest? The short version: Henry wanted to divorce his wife and get with Anne so bad that he changed the religion of the country. Henry’s divorce scheme took so long that it wasn’t until 1533, 7-8 years after becoming obsessed with Anne, that he was able to leave Katherine and remarry. It was all very sad and tragic… but the even sadder cherry on top is that less than 3 years later, Katherine died of cancer anyway.  If Henry had waited a bit longer he wouldn’t have even needed to tear down the religion of a nation and get himself excommunicated just to get his side piece.

• Wife #: 1
• Reign: 23 years, 11 months, 19 days.
• How did it end? Divorce, cancer.

1. Anne Boleyn

Girl, you have really bad luck at this "being Queen" thing.

So by reading the Katherine of Aragon story, you got the main gist of how Henry found Anne. She was a hot, young, lady-in-waiting that the king became obsessed with when he began fantasizing about having some legitimate, male children. Like Jane who helped to dethrone her, Anne herself was an intelligent and politically-suave player.  Henry had made Anne’s older sister a mistress but Anne (supposedly) refused to play that game and wanted to be the queen instead. Henry tried a lot of methods to find a “legitimate” divorce but in the end couldn’t, and therefore just created his own religion where it was okay for him to do that. After nearly a decade of WANTING to hook up with Anne – Henry finally married her. But, alas, the things he was attracted to her when he wanted her as a mistress (intelligent, acerbic, political, etc.) he didn’t really like in his wife. That plus (just like with Katherine) problems in producing a male heir led to the loving relationship turning rocky. Hrm. Two wives in a row, huh? Are you starting to think this is HENRY’S problem and not his wives? After a number of miscarriages and only one child (Elizabeth), Henry was looking for an exit strategy from Anne and was newly obsessed with Jane Seymour. There are tons of theories and suggestions about how it all went down. A common theory suggests that Henry’s chief Minister Thomas Cromwell--once a staunch Anne advocate who helped to arrange the her rise--turned on her and helped to also bring about her fall. Others say there is no proof that Cromwell actively worked against Anne. One way or another, not long after Henry’s eyes turned to Jane – accusations came out that Anne was committing adultery with a number of people at the court… and with her own brother, George. Let me say first and foremost to everyone… all the charges are total bullshit. There is zero reliable evidence that she committed any adultery with anyone; a plan was formed to get rid of her because it’s what Henry wanted. The bullshit stories that they came up with wound up to her being executed, which is just fucking terrible. 

• Wife #: 2
• Reign: 2 years, 11 months, 19 days.
• How did it end? Beheaded by an expert French swordsman, who came in just to do that.

Ed Ranks the Three Tenors

Get outta here, 4th guy. You're ruining the whole "3" thing.

Hey… remember the Three Tenors? Yeah, those two Spanish guys (Plácido Domingo and José Carreras) and the Italian dude (Luciano Pavarotti).  They formed an opera supergroup. Yeah, that’s right. An opera supergroup! It’s like somebody saw the Traveling Wilburys and said, “Hey, we should do that for opera!”  What kind of person would say that… I don’t know. Some opera person, I guess. You know. Those people.

At the very least, this one will be short!

3. José Carreras – Even if you’re not really familiar with them, if someone mentions “the Three Tenors,” your reaction will probably be, “Oh yeah, those opera singers! Pavarotti, Domingo and that third guy.”  Well, that third guy is Carreras. I mean I guess it’s cool that he’s all into humanitarian causes and fighting leukemia and stuff. But he’s still the tenor you’re most likely to forget.

2. Luciano Pavarotti – Yes, the fat one. He was probably the most famous of the three, which may lead you to question why he’s coming in at #2 rather than #1. In fact, if you can only name one opera singer, it’s probably Pavarotti. So do I have a justification for why he’s coming in second? Well, I think that will become apparent soon.

1. Plácido Domingo – Pavarotti might be famous, but is he so famous that he had a Muppet named after him? I don’t think so.  Plácido Domingo wins simply because of Plácido Flamingo. Oh, and also because I opened that gate to let him onto the field that one time when I was an usher for the Nationals. I guess that was cool. But mostly the Muppet thing.

Ed Ranks 15 Donner Party Members by Taste

Calm down. It's just roast beef. I think.

In my defense on this one, they'd all be dead by now anyway. Right? No?! It's still not okay? Fine, I guess I'm going to hell.

15. Luke Halloran – Died of tuberculosis, so nobody was willing to even give him a nibble.

14. George Donner – Described as tough, stringy. Everyone had to floss afterwards.

13. Jacob Donner – This guy was 56 years old, so… as you can guess… he was a bit dry and unappetizing.

12. Levinah Jackson Murphy – Kind of a sour taste. You might even call it verging on “rancid.” They probably waited too long. 

11. Tamsen Donner – An earthy sort of “farmyard” taste. Most people thought she was pretty nasty, but others called her “rustic.”

10.  Elizabeth Cooper Graves – Probably would have tasted better if she wasn’t overcooked.

9. Jacob Wolfinger – The opposite problem from the last one. Waaaaay underdone.  Look, I like steak rare to medium-rare, but when eating a person who you murdered while stuck in a snowstorm… you’re gonna wanna make sure that he’s at least medium.

8. Augustus Spitzer – Gamy? Yeah, a little. Definitely a strong taste here. But everyone was super hungry at the time, so he did in a pinch.

7. Elizabeth Blue Hook Donner – Pretty good up front, but sort of a weird aftertaste. If you were being nice, you could almost say it was “piquant.”

6. Isaac Donner – Really tender. Sort of like veal, if you like that kind of thing.

5. Eleanor P. Eddy – A surprisingly sweet taste and really packed with flavor.

4. Jay Fosdick – Tasted a lot like chicken. And who doesn’t like chicken?

3. William Hook – Some good caramelization when they cooked him and a satisfying “umami” flavor.

2. Charles “Dutch Charlie” Burger – Tasted a lot like a burger. Everyone was laughing about the irony of this one.

1. John Landrum Murphy – This guy was the best. A great crust and sear on the outside, with good marbling and juiciness on the inside. A real winner here.

Ed Ranks Questions He Has About The Police's "Message in a Bottle"

These are just the first twelve I could think of. If you have some of your own, feel free to add them to the comments or something. Hahaha, just kidding. Comments sections on websites are only supposed to be used by racist people. 

12. Doesn't Sting have a cellphone or something to call someone? - Never mind. This is a dumb question since this song came out in 1979. My apologies.

11. What is Sting's food supply? - I'm just generally interested. Is he catching fish? Is there a nice rocky shoreline area that he can pull mussels or oysters from? Is he eating coconuts from a tree? Does he have a good fresh water source or is he finding a way to desalinize the sea water?

Probably like this, right?

10. How big is this island that Sting is on anyway? - This question is probably pretty closely related to the last question, as the size of the island would definitely impact the supply of his food and other resources. I mean I guess I'm imagining this as a pretty small island with like one coconut tree or something. But maybe he's on a big ass island like in LOST!

9. What is Sting doing with all these extra 100 billion bottles now? - Well, after a year 100 billion bottles washed up. This question might not be of immediate importance right now - but what is he going to do with all those bottles? Does he have room for that many bottles on an island? I mean it's not like he can just throw them back into the sea again because he'd probably get them mixed up with other un-read bottles. Plus it's probably a hazard to the sealife.

8. Did Sting contemplate suicide? - Speaking of the fact that Sting spent a year on this island all by himself... that has to be pretty depressing, right? Look, I don't want to pry or anything, Sting. I mean I'm glad you pulled through, buddy. But you had to think about ending it all a few times, right? I mean after a few months you had to have some sense of hopelessness.

7. What exactly did Sting write in his message in a bottle? - This song never goes into specifics on what Sting wrote. Presumably it was more than just "SOS," but we aren't given any specifics. I'd assume Sting has some sense of what island he's on, right? Because if he doesn't... then he can't even send directions on how they can find him. I just want to know more about the message, since the entire song is about it!

6. Where did Sting get the bottle, note and pen from? - It's pretty interesting that Sting just happened to have a bottle, a working pen, and something that he could use to write a note on when he (presumably) was shipwrecked or whatever. That's a pretty convenient set of things to send a message with, honestly.  Was anything else left with him? A flare gun?

5. How did Sting get lost on an island? - Above I just assumed that this was a shipwreck, but Sting never went into specifics on this either. Just what happened to Sting to get him on this island? He calls himself a "castaway," so does that mean he was actually abandoned by some shipmates?

4. Did Sting really count all the bottles out and is it really 100 billion? - Because that seems like a lot.

3. Are all 100 billion messages really from other castaways? - The world's population was only 4.3 billion in 1979. It would therefore be impossible for there to be 100 billion unique castaways. Okay, so maybe on average every castaway sent around 23-24 bottles. But that would still mean every single other human being on earth would need to be castaways on islands. There aren't that many islands!

2. Did Sting have time to read all 100 billion messages? - If Sting only spent one second on every message, it would still take him 3,170 years to read 100 billion messages. I'm assuming that maybe after the first few hundred messages he just guessed that the rest were also messages from other castaways without bothering to read them.

What a depressing tale of maritime pollution.

1. How did all 100 billion bottles coincidentally wash up the same day? - This one bugs me the most. Even with this many bottles out there (it is A LOT of bottles), you'd think that a couple hundred or thousand of bottles would maybe coincidentally wash up a day, every day, frequently. But zero bottles for an entire year and then suddenly 100 billion? Highly unlikely. Even if a ship specifically only carrying bottled messages crashed nearby, I still think they wouldn't all wash up at once. 

Ed Ranks the Top 25 Sasha Grey Film Titles

This person.

Sasha Grey is an actress, model, musician, and former pornstar. Yes, this ranking about a former pornography actress is quite the 180 from the last edition which talked about short chains of amino acid monomers linked by amide bonds.

Look, it's not like I want to talk about Sasha Grey. It's just that I have to. This blog is called "Ed Ranks Everything," and Sasha Grey's filmography is a thing. Thus, legally, I have to rank it.

25. Dude I Banged Your Sister 1 (2009) - It's a pretty classic thing for pornos to be parodies of popular films. But Dude, Where's My Car came out in 2000 and this came out in 2009. That's a little behind the curve on making a relevant joke.

24. Meet The Fuckers 7 (2007) - The film Meet the Fockers was already supposed to be a sort of (pretty obvious) joke title based on how it sounded like the F word. So then the porn industry just went and made the same joke. This required no effort and is super lazy. Try harder. It's like when the parody Superhero Movie had a scene where their fake Wolverine used one of his claws to make a middle finger, even though that ALREADY HAPPENED IN AN ACTUAL X-MEN FILM.

23. So You Think You Can Squirt 1 (2007) - Well, this title is just bad. I can't say much more than that. Yes, So You Think You Can Dance is a TV show. This is not funny though. 

22. Buns of Anarchy 1 (2014) - Another parody title, this time of another TV show. But still not that witty. I wonder if this actually featured any sort of motorcycle gang elements or if it just didn't bother in favor of just being clips of butts.

21. Breakin' Em In Young 2 (2007) - This is ALMOST a funny title, but not quite. Shouldn't it be called "Bring Em' Young" instead? Then it would sort of sound like "Brigham Young" (June 1, 1801 – August 29, 1877), the American Mormon leader, politician, and pioneer. That would be a LOT funnier.

20. Bring 'um Young 23 (2006) - I stand corrected. Apparently they couldn't name that last film franchise "Bring Em' Young" because there was already ANOTHER film franchise from a different porn studio called "Bring 'um Young."  And Sasha Grey performed for BOTH of the series. Do you think she knows that there were two different series... or did she get confused and only sign on to Breakin' Em In Young in 2007 because she thought it was a sequel to the 2006 film she already did? I'm sure mid-way through filming she must have noticed that they were completely different franchises, based on differences in plot. Hahaha, plot. Now I'm just being silly.

19. Anal Academy (2012) - This isn't that witty of a title. But then again, this film is probably better than the last several Police Academy films.

18. Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big (2012) - I guess sometimes people try to think of really witty titles for porn films. And other times they do not. This is a time they did not. And you know what? I'm going to have to give them credit for NOT EVEN TRYING so hard. This title is so lazy, it's almost good.

17. BJ Suck-A-Thon (2011) - See description above.

16. Apprentass 10 (2009) - I assume this was a parody of the reality TV show with Donald Trump. Which makes me realize that there are pornos out there with a fake Donald Trump in them. It's probably just some guy in a really bad wig. There is probably nothing less erotic or sexual in the world than this concept. Honestly, if social conservatives want to teach teenagers the advantages of abstinence -  a porno with a fake Donald Trump in it is the best way to go. After seeing this, they will likely be turned off of the concept for sex for the rest of their lives.

15. Private Movies 51: Future Soccer Mom Sluts (2010) - So "MILF" movies are a thing and feature older actresses, quite often depicted as horny Soccer Mom-types. Yet this isn't about Soccer Moms. It's about "Future" Soccer Moms. Which means that it' probably just features young actresses, rather than older ones. That's just confusing. But also, sort of brilliant marketing... I guess? Look, I don't know. This seems like some sort of scam to just feature regular, struggling girls in their 20's trying to make money and make them pretend like they're older. Whatever. I'm moving on, and so should you.

14. Blow Me Sandwich 11 (2007) - This does NOT sound like the type of sub you want to order at Blimpie. If Blimpie did serve this sandwich, that's probably a good reason I don't see that chain anymore. It used to be at every mall in the 1990's. Now I don't see them anymore. I'm not 100% sure that they're still in business.

13. Malice in Lalaland (2010) - I suppose this is an Alice in Wonderland parody. I really hope there are no scenes involving her getting busy with rabbits and chain-smoking caterpillars, because that sounds like it should be illegal.

12. Oh Yeah Let's Cum (2013) - This one is pretty direct and to the point. If it were sligtly more vulgar, it could be #1 (see #1, obviously).

11. Finger Licking Good 5 (2008) - I assume this video is NOT officially licensed by KFC. Although Sasha Grey could easily be the next Colonel Sanders, based on how these commercials are going. Look, she did what she did to make money and get sort-of famous. She succeeded. No judgment. She has just as much of a right to be in new KFC commercials as Jason Alexander, Norm MacDonald, Rob Lowe, George Hamilton, etc. If I'm being honest, she's probably more talented than half of the people who have played the Colonel anyway. Don't try to convince me that Sasha Grey has any less of a right to be a dead chicken spokesperson than Billy Zane. Speaking of which... should I rank people who have played Colonel Sanders? Maybe.

10. Thrilla in Vanilla 2 (2010) - I'm going to make an educated guess that this is about African American boxers having sex with white girls. But in 2010, is a reference to a 1975 Ali-Frazier fight really going to resonate with racist masturbators? 

9. Grand Theft Anal 11 (2008) - My only question is... do you have to have seen Grand Theft Anal 1 through 10 in order to understand the story of Part 11? 

She's also in this film with Frodo.
If that's your specific fetish.

8. Naughty Bookworms 22835 (2017) - There is nothing specifically funny or witty about the title "Naughty Bookworms," but I am left wondering if there were really 22,834 of these movies before this one came out. And I thought the Fast and Furious movies had too many sequels. 

7. My Daughter's Fucking Blackzilla 9 (2006) - So does Toho Co., Ltd. get any residuals for this one? 

6. History Of Black Cock (2011) - I'm only ranking this one this high because I'm imagining it as an actual documentary in the style of A&E Biography, narrated by Peter Graves. Although I suppose Peter Graves would have been deceased by 2011. Still though.

5. 69 Scenes: Anal Anal Anal (2014) - Well, this title is sort of direct. Yet charming in a way. Although I do want to point out that, by definition, anal and 69 are different things. 

4. Face Invaders 4 (2009) - HA! Like the video games with the alien space ships. You know, except with sexual intercourse. 

3. Kokcast Cable Offers Anal Services (2007) - I mean haven't we all imagined having sex with the middle-aged, portly Comcast technician that shows up to our house several hours after their estimated arrival time, in order to provide you with shitty service that costs way too much?

2. Throat: A Cautionary Tale (2008) - This is a great title and could easily be a Lifetime film about HPV. Or maybe the title of Michael Douglas's autobiography.

1. Hey It's Fuck Time (2013) - People have spent years trying to create the most cute, witty titles for porn films. The creators of Hey It's Fuck Time didn't bother with that nonsense. They're sort of like deconstructionist chefs that strip their recipes down to the most basic ingredients. They had some sort of board meeting and were like, "We're tired of these bullshit porn film titles that try to parody popular culture. We just need to get back to the basics. We need to let people know that this will be an hour long video featuring sexual intercourse, of which most people will only need to watch about five minutes of before they're done."  Then someone suggested, "Hey It's Fuck Time," and the greatest porn film title in history was created. The end.