Ed Ranks 15 Donner Party Members by Taste

Calm down. It's just roast beef. I think.

In my defense on this one, they'd all be dead by now anyway. Right? No?! It's still not okay? Fine, I guess I'm going to hell.

15. Luke Halloran – Died of tuberculosis, so nobody was willing to even give him a nibble.

14. George Donner – Described as tough, stringy. Everyone had to floss afterwards.

13. Jacob Donner – This guy was 56 years old, so… as you can guess… he was a bit dry and unappetizing.

12. Levinah Jackson Murphy – Kind of a sour taste. You might even call it verging on “rancid.” They probably waited too long. 

11. Tamsen Donner – An earthy sort of “farmyard” taste. Most people thought she was pretty nasty, but others called her “rustic.”

10.  Elizabeth Cooper Graves – Probably would have tasted better if she wasn’t overcooked.

9. Jacob Wolfinger – The opposite problem from the last one. Waaaaay underdone.  Look, I like steak rare to medium-rare, but when eating a person who you murdered while stuck in a snowstorm… you’re gonna wanna make sure that he’s at least medium.

8. Augustus Spitzer – Gamy? Yeah, a little. Definitely a strong taste here. But everyone was super hungry at the time, so he did in a pinch.

7. Elizabeth Blue Hook Donner – Pretty good up front, but sort of a weird aftertaste. If you were being nice, you could almost say it was “piquant.”

6. Isaac Donner – Really tender. Sort of like veal, if you like that kind of thing.

5. Eleanor P. Eddy – A surprisingly sweet taste and really packed with flavor.

4. Jay Fosdick – Tasted a lot like chicken. And who doesn’t like chicken?

3. William Hook – Some good caramelization when they cooked him and a satisfying “umami” flavor.

2. Charles “Dutch Charlie” Burger – Tasted a lot like a burger. Everyone was laughing about the irony of this one.

1. John Landrum Murphy – This guy was the best. A great crust and sear on the outside, with good marbling and juiciness on the inside. A real winner here.