Ed Ranks Things Associated with the FIFA World Cup

Enjoy this generic Wikipedia stock photo

Is it World Cup time already? SWEET! Now let's talk about all the things associated with this grand sporting event!

7. Norm from Cheers - Pretty simple, right? Obviously now that it's FIFA World Cup, we're all thinking about Norm from Cheers.  I'm pretty sure 100% of you got this connection, but just in case for those slow people out there:

• FIFA is Soccer
• Soccer is associated with David Beckham
• David Beckham is married to Victoria Beckham
• Victoria Beckham was in the Spice Girls
• Spice Girls starred in Spice World
• Spice World also featured George Wendt
• George Wendt played Norm from Cheers 

Soooo obvious. 

6. Football (Soccer) - This is the sixth most commonly associated thing with the World Cup. Sometimes, on occasion, people think about the sport of football when thinking about this tournament. If they don't immediately skip over that and go right to Norm.

5. Filing False Tax Returns - Yep, people think about this a lot too.

4. Tax Evasion - Fabio Tordin, the former CEO of Traffic Sports USA Inc, thinks about this a lot when he thinks of the World Cup.  The U.S. Department of Justice made sure of that.

3. Wire Fraud - Who doesn't hear "World Cup" and immediately go, "AH YES! That wholly corrupt institution that is completely funded via illicit wire fraud! Good times!"

2. Racketeering - I'm not sure that there is a single person in FIFA that hasn't pleaded guilty to some sort of racketeering charge. Looks like these shitheads better look into RICO law before they start engaging in illegal rackets using U.S. currency that can potentially put them in prison for 20 years.

1. Money Laundering - "FIFA World Cup" and "Money Laundering" to together like peanut butter and jelly, Sonny and Cher, fish and chips, bread and butter, salt and pepper, and mental illness with comorbid substance abuse problems.

Let's go Spain! 

(update: Spain sucks)

Ed Ranks Vermeer Paintings

There are only 34 paintings that are universally attributed to Dutch Golden Age painter Johannes Vermeer.  Here they are, ranked with some sarcastic bullshit written in their captions.

34. Woman with a Lute - Geez, what happened to this lady's face? Yikes.

33. Portrait of a Young Woman - More like "Portrait of Fucking E.T."

32. Woman in Blue Reading Letter - Did part of her face get destroyed on this painting? What is that splotch?

31. Lady Seated at a Virginal - Another one with a busted face. Sometimes it's like Vermeer just forgot how to paint faces.

30. A Lady Writing a Letter - Her face is sort of blurry. And her yellow skin tone and yellow dress really clash. She might have jaundice.

29. The Little Street - A building? This is pretty boring. Vermeer, you're famous for painting people - not architecture. Go back to people!

28. View of Delft - Same as before. Only this has some water in it so it's a little better. Water is cool. But when it's TOO cool it becomes ice.

27. Girl with a Red Hat - Another blurry-faced girl from a tiny, tiny painting done on a piece of wood.

26. The Girl with the Wineglass - Her grin makes her look like a crazy person.

25. The Procuress - You'd think I'd rank a painting about a brothel pretty high because that's a really interesting and titillating subject for art. But that guy on the left is a total creeper and it's weirding me out.

24. Lady Standing at Virginal - I don't have any specific complaint about this painting. It's just boring. Even the paintings in the background of the painting are boring.

23. The Love Letter - The painting is just too dark. Come on, Johannes. Make them colors pop!

22. The Concert - A little grey and blurry. Also, those floor tiles are messing with my OCD because some of those black tiles should be white, goddamnit.

21. Mistress and Maid - Why the jet black background and spotlight lighting? Is this a painting of a play at the local community theater? 

20. The Milkmaid - Yep, that's a lady pouring milk. You can't argue with this painting name.

19. Lady Writing a Letter with her Maid - This is a well-composed painting and all, but the subject isn't that interesting. She's writing a letter. Big deal. It could just be a check to pay off a credit card bill, for all we know.

18. The Lacemaker - Look at her making lace. You'd think the Louvre would have held out for a better Vermeer than this one (no offense, it's just fine). 

17. Woman with a Water Jug - Nice jugs! Oh wait, it's only singular? That's not as funny. 

16. Woman with a Pearl Necklace - Hehe, "pearl necklace." You get your freak on, gurl.

15. The Guitar Player - She's probably tired of hearing, "PLAY FREEBIRD!!!!"

14. The Allegory of Faith - I mean it's not really an "allegory" anymore if you put a giant crucifixion painting in the background. "Allegories" by definition are supposed to have hidden meanings that you need to interpret. A painting of a pie isn't an allegory of a pie. It's just a pie painting. Also, this pale-ass girl could use a tan. I'm just saying.

13. Christ in the House of Martha and Mary - Wow, this might be the only Vermeer painting that is just straight up a religious scene. I didn't even know he did these. It's also a huge painting and one of Vermeer's earliest.

12. Diana and Her Companions - Speaking of unusual Vermeer paintings - this time he's doing a scene from Greek mythology. This has to be the only one of those, right? This is totally not the usual Vermeer painting of "Woman doing something mundane in contemporary times"

11. Girl Reading a Letter at an Open Window - Look at her reflection in the glass of the window. Nice one there, Vermeer.

10. A Girl Asleep - I love this tablecloth. This lady has got style.

9. The Wine Glass - This lady bout to get DRUNK!

8. Woman Holding a Balance - Nice way to subtly work the Last Judgment into the background, Vermeer. And weighing a balance? That's directly related to Jesus deciding the fate of souls. THAT'S HOW YOU DO ALLEGORY! Take note, painting immediately below.

7. The Allegory of Painting - No, no, no! This is not an allegory! A painting of someone painting is not an allegory of painting. It is just painting! Still, nice painting though. That blue really pops. And great iconography and composition. I'd rank this higher if that title didn't annoy me.

6. The Geographer - Oh wow, a Vermeer with a guy as its subject instead of a lady? And he's doing some science stuff. Neat!

5. The Astronomer - WHOA! This is clearly the same guy again. Only now he's doing different science stuff. He's an astronomer now, not a geographer. What happened to your geography job, dude? Did you get fired? And then you went to a job interview where you tried to explain how your experience mapping the lands made you a perfect candidate to also map the stars? Great work, Vermeer science guy!

4. Girl Interrupted at Her Music - Do you know who is interrupting her? You, the painting viewer. And she's giving you that look. You know the one. The one that says "Hey! Stop staring at me, you gawking moron! I'm trying to do music stuff!"

3. Officer with a Laughing Girl - What's not to like about this painting? We've got a cute girl laughing. We've got a foppish dandy who looks like one of the Three Musketeers. And that map! What a great map! I bet the Geographer from Ranking #6 made that map.

2. The Music Lesson - This painting is so Vermeer that it hurts. Anything you could ever want in a Vermeer painting is in this painting. You've got the windows providing a light source. You've got the young woman. You've got the virginal and music theme. You've got the foppish dandy. You've got the floor title pattern (much more OCD approved than #22). You've got the awesome fabric. You've got the popping of blue from Vermeer's famous use of Ultramarine. No wonder the Brits snatched this painting and have it in their royal collection at Buckingham Palace.

1. Girl with a Pearl Earring - If you couldn't guess that this would be #1, then you just might be an idiot. Or just not into art that much. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Ed Ranks COBRA COMMAND Employees

Every member of the ruthless terrorist organization, COBRA, is looking to win that coveted COBRA COMMAND Employee of the Month Award. They can then proudly display it outside of their cubicle on Cobra Island. Or maybe the Cobra Citadel in Trans-Carpathia. Whatever.

Let's assume that Cobra Commander himself is giving out the awards, and decided not to just give it to himself (although I assume he would). Here is who he would most likely give bestow the award of his greatest employee to:

10. Serpentor - Serpentor is garbage. No way would Cobra Commander give an award to this usurper who tried to make himself Cobra "Emperor."  You'd think a guy would be a lot cooler if he was cloned from the DNA of Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Attila the Hun, Vlad Tepes, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, Genghis Khan, and Sgt. Slaughter.

Possibly a picture of Dr. Manhattan.

9. Destro - Destro is pretty cool and everything, but no way is he a good or loyal COBRA employee, what with him continually trying to betray Cobra Commander and usurp leadership. Destro is the Starscream of COBRA. Which I find to be very ironic, because you'd think that Cobra Commander would be the Starscream of COBRA.

8. Major Bludd - If Sebastian Bludd is an Australian mercenary then why does he wear a helmet like he's cosplaying as a Prussian Field Marshall fighting on the Eastern Front of World War I?  Cobra Commander should ask Bludd that question before even getting into other factors related to his capability as a terrorist mastermind.

7. Zandar and Zarana - The Dreadnok B-Team. Cobra Commander probably forgets that they even work for him.

6. Tomax and Xamot - Ah, twin brothers who serve as the "respectable" public face of Cobra's front organization. Still, they are sort of annoying in that they complete each other's sentences and stuff like that. Lame. That knocks then down the list.

5. Firefly - Sabateur. Mercenary. Assassin. Expert in explosives and demolition. This is a solid team member for any ruthless terrorist organization to have. 

4. Doctor Mindbender - An evil, mad scientist is always great to have on your team. He's a multi-discipline mad scientist as well! He's good at engineering (mind control devices, Battle Android Troopers, Brainwave scanners) and biology (genetic manipulation... like that time he created Serpentor). How many PHDs does this guy have?

Possibly a picture of Eva Angelina.

3. Zartan - Spy, assassin and master of disguise. Why even bother having other Dreadnoks when you have Zartan? Zartan is all you need. And why does a master of disguise sometimes wear makeup on his face that makes him look like the Ultimate Warrior? That doesn't help you "blend in" very well, dude.

2. Storm Shadow - Tommy Arashikage is a ninja who kills people. How awesome is that? Someone should tell him that Ninjas are supposed to wear dark colors. That white outfit is going to really stand out at night. Are you some sort of snow ninja?

1. Baroness - Baroness Anastasia DeCobray is the best. Baroness likely wins the Employee of the Month award every single month.

Ed Ranks the Best Fights on WorldStarHipHop.com

10. That Fight in the Hood between that One Guy vs. that Other Guy

Remember that one? The one where there were two guys from a poverty-stricken, 1960s construction-era public housing project? And they fought each other, shouting curse words back and forth? It was a classic.

9. FloJo vs. Cavernous Hemangioma

Dude, this one was so sad. We all thought FloJo was going strong until she faced her toughest ever opponent, a congenital vascular brain abnormality that made her subject to lethal seizures. RIP, GOAT.

Berlin, before being reunited by David Hasselhoff.

8.  The Cold War

From 1947 until November 1985, WSHH covered a low, brooding state of geopolitical tension between the United States, Soviet Union, and a number of associated ally or puppet states.  Everyone hoping to see some "real punches" (e.g. thermonuclear warheads) be thrown between the two wound up highly disappointed though, as instead of meeting face to face - the two always seemed to just fight proxy wars in places like Cuba, Vietnam and Afghanistan.  The Cold War finally ended on November 27, 1985 when Rocky IV came out and Rocky declared, "If I can change, and you can change, then everybody can change!" Although the Russian crowd wanted Ivan Drago to win, they saw Rocky's pure determination and desire to win... and started to hesitantly cheer for their American adversary.

7. Kanye West vs. his Own Sanity

Kanye West is perpetually in a battle against his ever slipping grasp on reality. Fans love to watch as Mr. Yeezy suffers mental breakout after mental breakdown in a slow march that will likely end with something like a barbiturate overdose after realizing that his fashion line is a fucking joke... or him shooting up a mall while naked and declaring himself as Yaḥyā, the Islamic interpretation of John the Baptist.

6.  Bob Fitzsimmons vs. Nonpareil Dempsey

When WorldStarHipHop found Bob Fitzsimmons, he was just your average Australian blacksmith. But after setting him up with legendary bare-knuckle fighting master Jem Mace, WSHH transformed  Fitzsimmons into the hardest puncher in boxing. It wouldn't be long until he would go on to fight Jack "Nonpareil" Dempsey for the World Middleweight Championship in New Orleans. With a 13th round knockout, Fitzsimmons gained the title. This occurred in 1891, by the way. The joke here is that WorldStarHipHop was covering fights that occurred long before the website or internet even existed. It's a very thin joke, I admit it. But there are five more of these left, so strap yourself in and just fucking accept it.

5. Lee "Q" O'Denat vs. Morbid Obesity

Whoa, talk about meta! WorldStarHipHop's own founder, Q O'Denat, had an intense battle with  atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease, brought on by his morbid obesity.  His morbid obesity won, by the way. He's dead.

4. WorldStarHipHop vs. Social Progress

I'd imagine WorldStarHipHop has probably knocked back social progress (to allow citizens in underprivileged communities to enhance and sustain the quality of their lives) by about 20 years. Which seems like a pretty strong contender for a "knockout challenge" video.  

What a ho.

3. Judah vs. Tamar

Judah and Tamar started with a friendly enough relationship, but WorldStarHipHop.com was there to record it when it all went south! First Tamar married Judah's eldest son, Er, and everything was fine. But then The Lord struck down Er for his wickedness. Sick move there, Yahweh. Judah and Tamar were still straight though, since Tamar followed the custom of marrying the brother of her dead husband, Judah's second son, Onan. But Onan didn't really like Tamar and wasn't about that daddy lifestyle, yo. He didn't want to be held down with no kids by some trap bitch, right? So when it came for Onan and Tamar to have sex... sure... Onan hit that. He tore that pussy up. But when he was about to cum, he pulled out and shot it all over her back. Now The Lord God was not a fan of that, and so He struck down Onan too. So now Judah has got two dead sons, on account of dis bish Tamar.  And Tamar be all like, "Now I should marry your third son, Shelah." But Judah be all like, "Naww bitch, you had two of my sons already and they both fuckin' dead, get your ass away from my family." So Judah sent Tamar away. But Tamar still wanted a baby because dis bish was thirsty for a monthly child support check that she could use to buy Cîroc instead of feeding her kid. And dis bish knew that Judah liked to hit up them girls on the corner of 39th Street. You know the ones. So Tamar dressed up like a ho (she didn't have to try hard because she already looked like one) and Judah didn't even realize he was picking up his own (twice) ex-daughter-in-law. He smashed that and, yep, sure enough Tamar got pregnant. But Judah wasn't exactly rich himself, so he paid her with a bracelet. Which goes further to prove Tamar is just a cheap ho. Not long after, Judah sees this Tamar bitch walking around pregnant and he's like, "There's that bitch who married my sons but now she's pregnant by some other man. Let's burn her ass." And so Judah tried to set that bitch on fire. He got a mob of his homeboys together and everything. But then Tamar was like, "You wanna know who the baby daddy is? You!" And then Tamar showed Judah the bracelet. Judah was straight shook. (Genesis 38)

2. The Caning of Charles Sumner

Who can forget May 22, 1856 when Representative Preston Brooks (D-SC) used a walking cane to attack Senator Charles Sumner (R-MA), an abolitionist, in retaliation for a speech given by Sumner two days earlier in which he fiercely criticized slaveholders, including a relative of Brooks? Not WorldStarHipHop.com fans! Because the video was viewed... uhh... let's just say 16.8 million times. I'm making things up anyway, so I might as well go big.

1. Marbury vs. Madison

When WorldStarHipHop uploaded the exclusive video of Marbury vs. Madison, we were all psyched that the fight of the century was about to happen. This was epic! The two fighters spent most of the time debating whether Madison's refusal to deliver a commission appointing Marbury as the Justice of the Peace in the District of Columbia was either illegal and/or correctable. In the end, it was decided that section of the Judiciary Act of 1789 that enabled Marbury to bring his claim was unconstitutional, as the clause granting the Supreme Court the power to issue writs of mandamus under its original jurisdiction enlarged the original jurisdiction of the Supreme Court beyond that envisioned by the Constitution. Although it ended up being a weak-ass fight with no right crosses thrown, it established the process of judicial review.

Ed Ranks the Vocalizations of Turkeys

Honestly, what an ugly piece of shit animal.

Yep, I'm doing this. I didn't ask for this. You didn't ask for this. Let's just get this over with.

8. Cutting - Yes, turkeys apparently make a sound that is called "cutting." I know it sounds dumb. That's why it's ranked last.

7. Yelp - When a turkey Yelps, it is generally angry with an experience it just had with a barista at the local coffee shop. Therefore it "yelps" its disapproval by providing a one-star review of the coffee shop.

6. Purr - Gross. Turkeys purr? It sounds cute when a cat is doing it. But if I had a purring turkey on my lap I would break it's neck right there and cook it for dinner.

5. Putt - Is this turkey about to go golfing?

4. Kee-Kee - This is the noise a turkey makes when it desperately wants to wants to watch Keke Palmer in her 2006 breakthrough role in Akeelah and the Bee. It's a modern classic.

3. Cackle - Cackling is a pretty evil thing to do. It just sounds like you're a villain. But then again, turkeys are kind of evil. This one turkey chased me around a farm when I was a kid. Scary stuff. Now I feel no remorse at all when I see their carcasses stuffed with bread and savory. Mmm. Savory. Maybe I should rank herbs!

2. Cluck - Clucking is a perfectly normal and respectable noise for a turkey to make. It is a bird, after all.

1. Gobble - I bet you were super surprised that turkeys make any noise OTHER than gobble, weren't you? Well, now you've just learned of seven other turkey vocalizations in addition to gobble. Your life is now complete and you can die happy.

Ed Ranks the Twelve Labors of Hercules (Part 2)

So now we conclude the rankings of the twelve labors of Hercules. Exciting, right?

6. Capture and Bring Back Cerberus

WHOSE A GOOD DOGGO?

For his twelfth and final labor, Hercules had to capture Cerberus, the three-headed hound and guardian of the gates of the underworld. So Hercules went to the underworld and along the way ran into Theseus and Pirithous, who had been imprisoned by Hades because they tried to free Persephone (Hades' niece and unwilling wife). Hercules helped free Theseus because he's an important character in mythology, but couldn't help the other dude because nobody even cares about him. Hercules did something UNTHINKABLE and highly irregular, given his pattern of behavior so far. Rather than continuing to murder his way through his labors - Hercules just decided to go to Hades and ask Hades if he could take Cerberus up for a while. Hades was like, "Yeah, sure. I guess. Just don't use any weapons and bring him back!" So Hercules did that. He tricked Cerberus, tied him up, and brought him to King Eurystheus. Eurystheus was so fucking scared of the three-headed dog that he shit his pants and ran away, telling Hercules to get the dog the hell out of the place and that he'd be forever freed from his labors. And so ended the twelve labors.

Difficulty: 2/10. Capturing a three-headed dog may be difficult for you or me, but Hercules seemed to be able to pretty easily overpower it.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. For this labor, Hercules learned the value of asking permission and discussing things out with others. Too bad this lesson came on his final labor.

5. Capture the Mares of Diomedes

King Diomedes of Thrace was a jerk. He trained his wild horses to eat human flesh. Hercules went to go claim them. Forgetting that Eurystheus was always disqualifying his labors if he did them with help, Hercules brought along a friend (and/or underage boy sex slave... it was sort of the same thing back then) named Abderus to help him catch the horses. The horses then ate Abderus. Yikes. For revenge, Hercules then fought King Diomedes himself and fed Diomedes to the horses. Anyway, all this delicious and filling human flesh made the horses temporarily lethargic, and so while they took an afternoon horse siesta, Hercules captured them all and bound their mouths shut to take back to Eurystheus.

Difficulty: 7/10. Catching a bunch of wild, crazy, man-eating horses sounds like a giant pain in the ass. It was obviously pretty difficult, as the horses were powerful enough to eat the child that Hercules was molesting. 

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Yes. Yes. Yes. This whole story is full of dickery. Bringing a young, inexperienced boy into battle against wild horses that got him killed. Then Hercules doubled-down on that by murdering a king and feeding his flesh to horses. And then he sewed the horses mouths shut like some sort of sick weirdo.

4. Slay the Nemean Lion

Wait... why do this labor naked?

So wow, Hercules' very first labor isn't that nice. Hercules killed a lion? What a dick. He's just like that dentist that killed Cecil the Lion. In fairness to Hercules though, this lion was apparently kidnapping women and holding them as hostages. REALLY? A lion taking hostages? That's not a typical lion M.O. as far as I'm aware. Don't they just eat people? Anyway, this lion also had invincible skin or something. Maybe invincible fur. For that reason Hercules had to strangle it or shoot it in the mouth. Versions of the stories differ.

Difficulty: 8/10. Killing a lion must have been pretty hard back in the day before guns. A lion with invincible fur, none the less.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Yes. Killing lions is a dick thing to do. 

3. Capture the Cretan Bull

Hercules' seventh labor was to capture a giant bull on Crete. Crete is sort of famous for bulls, what with the Minotaur and all. There on Crete, Hercules found King Minos - a guy that was a lot less of a dick than the other dick kings he had to deal with on his labors (like Augeus, Diomedes and Eurystheus). Minos was so cool that he even volunteered to help capture the bull. But Hercules was like, "Naw man, that dick Eurystheus keeps finding reasons to discount my labors so I have to do more, I don't want to give him any more excuses to make me do another one." Anyway, this bull was apparently wreaking havoc around Crete by destroying stuff. Hercules grabbed it by the horns and stopped it pretty easily though, and took it to Eurystheus, who wanted to sacrifice it. But Hera wasn't a fan of that because sacrificing a bull that Hercules caught would give Hercules glory. So they just released it and it wandered off to Marathon.

Difficulty: 4/10. I'm not saying that catching a bull by the horns is EASY. But for Hercules, it didn't really seem that hard.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. Hercules didn't kill or sacrifice the bull or anything. Although as a sad postscript, Theseus eventually DID sacrifice the bull. That's rough.

2. Clean the Augean Stables in a Day

By the time Hercules had gotten to his fifth labor and captured/killed all sorts of amazing/famous beasts, Eurystheus and Hera were just like, "Forget it. Hercules is great at catching beasts. Let's just humiliate him and make him clean up a lot of feces."  And the animals that lived in these stables were supposedly divine animals, capable of producing divine amounts of feces. Which, I suppose, means a lot of feces. So now we know whether or not immortals shit. The answer is "yes."  Oh, also the stables hadn't been cleaned in 30 years. Which makes me think that King Augeus was a disgusting king that didn't take good care of his holy animals. Hercules was able to clean the stables in just one day though, by re-routing some nearby rivers and using the water to flush all the feces away.

Difficulty: 9/10. Holy crap! (pun intended).  How was Hercules able to reroute rivers? Was he so strong that he pulled the riverbeds into new directions? Or was he a brilliant hyrdro-engineer who understood the intricacies of building canals, dams, etc? If Hercules mastered fluvial geomorphology (including open channel hydraulics, sediment transport, hydrology, physical geology, and riparian ecology) way back in ancient Greek times... then I am impressed.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Absolutely not. Although not his most beloved or famous labor, this was some quality work. And imagine how great those animals must feel now that they no longer live in filth.

1. Slay the Lernaean Hydra

This is practically Hentai.

Hercules' second labor was to kill a hydra. Was the hydra really bothering anyone? Not particularly. In fact it was just a pet. Ah... but whose pet? Hera. As noted, Hera is Hercules' step mom. And Hera was raising the hydra as a pet with the specific purpose of KILLING HERCULES, because she hated him for existing. Yikes. And you thought Cindarella's step mother was a cunt. Anyway, so there Hercules goes and starts cutting off the heads of this hydra and you know what happens? That's right... the heads GROW BACK! Yeah, so this is where that story comes from. So how do you kill a hydra if its heads grow back when you cut them off? Well, apparently ONE of the heads is mortal. So all Hercules had to do was find the right one.

Difficulty: 9/10. Eh, this must have been pretty hard, what with the regenerating head thing and the hydra spitting out poison.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. The hydra was bred specifically to kill Hercules. It's basically self-defense.

Ed Ranks the Twelve Labors of Hercules (Part 1)

Hercules. And his penis.

I guess if I can rank the miracles of Jesus, I can rank the labors of Hercules too, right?  Sure! Why not?  Does going crazy and murdering your wife and children count as a labor? No. Well, then I'll stick to the canonical twelve labors. The ones he performs AFTER murdering his family as a form of penance.

Yeah, I'm not kidding about that for those of you only vaguely aware of Greek mythology. Hercules murders his family. Hercules is pretty much the ancient Greek Chris Benoit. I bet you're glad they left that part out of the Disney movie, huh? Imagine those sassy muses if one of their songs was about domestic violence.

ANYWAY. Hercules is supposed to do ten labors for King Eurystheus, who is really just a sleeper agent for Hera, Hercules' bitch mother-in-law who hates him. Eurystheus uses some bullshit excuses to disqualify two of the labors, and thus Hercules has to do twelve.

12. Steal the Girdle of Hippolyta

Eurystheus' little fucking princess daughter, Admete, wanted the Belt of Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons. So he sent Hercules to go get it as his ninth labor. This is one of MANY labors that goes on an unnecessary side trip instead of focusing on the labor of getting the girdle itself. On the way to the land of the Amazons, Hercules takes a ship and stops on an island and gets some of his companions killed, like he seems to always be doing on his labors. And then after that he stops for another diversion and gets into another fight with different people who have nothing to do with the girdle of Hippolyta. EVENTUALLY the story gets around to the Amazons and we find that Hippolyta actually kind of likes Hercules, heard about all the great things he's done (you know, other than murder his wife), and is just willing to GIVE Hercules the girdle. But then Hera shows up on the island and starts making trouble and then nobody trusts one another. So Hercules decides the only logical thing to do is MURDER HIPPOLYTA AND STEAL HER GIRDLE. So he does that. He murders a woman for her fucking belt.

Difficulty: 2/10. Hippolyta was a strong warrior and everything, but Hercules still just straight up murdered her without much difficulty.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Yes. Hercules is a monster. Hercules murders a woman in cold blood. Again. As one of his twelve labors that he is doing in order to atone for murdering a woman. RIP Wonder Woman's mom.

11. Capture the Erymanthian Boar

Pictured: The Erymanthian Boar

What a letdown this labor is. If you were expecting some amazing story about Hercules fighting a boar... you will NOT get it. The vast majority of the labor of catching the boar has absolutely nothing to do with actually catching a boar. This labor involves Hercules going to a mountain to hang out with some centaurs, getting into some fights and killing some of them, stabbing an immortal (Chiron) with a poisoned arrow that was so painful that he was willing to give up his immortality, and then doing a side quest to free Prometheus from his chains. Do you see anything about catching a boar in any of this bullshit? No. Only at the very end of the story, after all this other shit happens, Chiron tells Hercules, "oh, here is how you capture the boar." And then Hercules does it. This story is the equivalent of if the movie Titanic was 194 minutes about a guy named Jack buying groceries and living his regular life... and then at the 195th minute the screen goes black and a title card says, "Jack died as a passenger of the Titanic two months later because he met a girl named Rose who wouldn't share room with him on her floating door. The End."

Difficulty: 0/10. This labor is so mundane that the myth itself don't even bother to linger on it. Hercules finds a pig in some snow and catches it. Lame.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. It's never a dick thing to acquire more bacon.

 10. Obtain the Cattle of Geryon

Geryon was this type of monster dude who had a bunch of cattle. So for his tenth labor, which Hercules thought would be his last, he went on a murder-spree, killing a bunch of his people and beasts (including a two-headed dog that seems like really lazy story-writing considering the more famous story of Cerberus, the three-headed dog who he'll encounter in his final labor). He even decides to SHOOT THE SUN WITH AN ARROW along the way because he's annoyed by how hot it is. Eventually he got to Geryon and killed him pretty easily. Sort of anti-climatic. He then gathered up Geryon's cattle and tried to bring them back to King Eurystheus. But Hera kept throwing shit his way to slow him down and make the journey last longer than a year. Dick move, Hera.  Eventually the cattle all got back, where they were sacrificed.

Difficulty: 3/10. Eh, Hercules didn't have much trouble with Geryon himself. But let's just call the difficulty a "3" because how tedious it was to bring all those cattle back.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Yes. Hercules committed a lot of petty murder to achieve this labor. And then all the cows just wound up as hamburger anyway.

9. Steal the Golden Apples of the Hesperides

Wait... why didn't Hercules want to stay here again?

So after succeeding in his ten assigned labors, Hercules thought he was done. But King Eurystheus was like, "Naww shorty, two of those don't even count and shit. You need to do two more." And he then sent Hercules to steal some apples from the Hesperides (nymphs of the sunset). But nobody even knew where the Hesperides lived, so Hercules had to kidnap the Old Man of the Sea (presumably a Cuban fisherman) and waterboard him until he told him where they were. Hercules finally got to the garden of the Hesperides and found Atlas nearby. He asked Atlas to help him steal the apples and Atlas agreed, so long as Hercules hold the Earth for him for a minute. Hercules agreed and Atlas got the apples. But then Atlas was like, "Haha, SUCKER! I can just take these apples back for you. Enjoy holding the Earth for the rest of time, moron! I'm not coming back."  Hercules is an idiot. But you know who is a bigger idiot? Atlas. Because Hercules was like, "Oh, cool. I'm down with that. But my cape is sort of crooked and I don't want to hold up the Earth with a cape all messed up. Hold the Earth for a second while I adjust the cape, then I'll take it right back." Atlas was like, "Sure." Then Hercules took the apples and gave a middle finger to Atlas.

Difficulty: 2/10. This one doesn't seem that difficult either. I mean SURE holding the entire world up for a short time SOUNDS difficult, but whatever. This was more of a battle of the wits between two idiots rather than something "difficult"

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? I mean, sort of. Stealing is bad. Although it is only apples. Also, Hercules murders more people along his way to perform this labor. I didn't go into that in the summary because the story was already too long. But yeah, Hercules is an asshat.

8. Capture the Ceryneian Hind

Hercules' third labor was to capture the Ceryneian Hind. What exactly is that? Well, it was a deer. That's right. A deer. Hercules was told to go catch a deer. But this deer was supposedly "super fast" or something. It was faster than arrows, so you couldn't shoot it. I know what you're thinking now. Hercules could have gone faster than the deer by flying around in a jet or something but... tough luck... JETS DIDN'T EXIST BACK THEN! So what was Hercules' amazing trick to catch this super fast deer? He waited until it feel asleep. Then caught it. Wow. And this is considered a labor? I could do that.

Difficulty: 1/10. Easy. I can't believe that after his first two labors of killing a lion and a hydra, Hera thought it would be really hard for Hercules to wait until a deer fell asleep and catch it. Hera is sort of a giant fuckup.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. Hercules didn't even kill the deer or anything. He just caught it and pretended he was giving it to King Eurystheus. But when he handed it to Eurystheus, the deer just ran away and got free again.

7. Slay the Stymphalian Birds

These birds don't look that tough.

The Stymphalian birds were man-eating birds with beaks of bronze and sharp metallic feathers, and also the pets of Ares. They also had toxic feces, which seems like an unnecessary add-on to this story, but there you have it. For some reason that was important enough for the ancient Greeks to pass on from generation to generation. "Remember son, when you tell this story about Hercules to your children one day, make sure to talk about how the bird feces is totally fucking wretched!" Hercules shoot a rattle, which scared the birds until they flew into the air. Then he shot them with arrows.

Difficulty: 2/10. This seems like pretty easy work. Sure, the birds SOUND menacing, but Hercules didn't have much trouble with them. Shaking a rattle? Is that all?

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. Since these birds ate people and terrorized the lands, it's a good thing Hercules got rid of them.

~ To Be Concluded ~

Ed Ranks Things He'd Hate to be Allergic To

10. Ending a Sentence with a Preposition - I would hate to be allergic to this. The title of this ranking ended in a preposition. If I was allergic to this, I'd already be breaking out into hives. Maybe I'd even die. I don't know. I guess it depends exactly how allergic I'd be to ending a sentence with a preposition.

A tasty treat. Or, for some people, violent death.

9. Shellfish - A lot of people are allergic to this. Which is a shame. Fortunately I'm not. Although I hear you can develop it. That would really suck. Shellfish are the best fish. Sorry, trout. Or, I guess... NOT sorry. Because if you're less tasty, I suppose there is less a chance I'll eat you. So really, I mean CONGRATS, TROUT! On not being a shellfish!

8. Chocolate - I mean chocolate is pretty tasty. I'd hate to not people able to eat it anymore. I have ranked KitKat bars, after all. I guess I'd live though.

7. Peanuts - Speaking of chocolate... what about it's twin brother, peanut butter? Oh, I would hate being allergic to peanuts. I LOVE peanuts and peanut butter. It's the ultimate, "I'm too lazy to make something, so I'll just eat peanut butter with something" meal. I don't know how people with this allergy even go on living.

6. The Internet - You know how Lenny on Better Call Saul is batshit insane and claims to be allergic to electronic signals and stuff? Cell phones, lights, batteries, etc.  I bet that means he thinks he's allergic to computers and the Internet too. That would really suck. It would suck for me some... but do you know who it would really suck for? YOU! Because if I was allergic to the Internet, you wouldn't be able to see these amazing rankings, would you? Unless I just wrote them out on sheets of paper and mailed them like some sort of savage cave person (e.g. humans who lived before 1996).

It's either this or black tar heroin.

5. Alcohol - Do I need to even explain this one? How would I even live if I couldn't drink? Oh wait. I remember now. I suppose I could start abusing opioids. Never mind.

4. Pets - Lots of people are allergic to cats and dogs. Those people are the weak ones that should have their inferior genetics culled from the human race. Wait... did I say that out loud? I'm... uh... kidding, of course! All I'm trying to say is that having pets is awesome.

3. Sunlight - I think being allergic to sunlight makes you less "someone allergic to sunlight" and more "vampire." I am glad I am not a vampire. Being a vampire named Edward must SUUUUUUUUCK after Twilight. Although if I were a vampire, I would be super duper extra evil and bloodthirsty just to try to wipe away all the crap associated with Twilight. And I would be well-powdered just to make sure not even the slightest hint of me sparkled.

2. Air - Is it even possible to be allergic to air? Wouldn't I just immediately die? Whew! It's a good thing I'm not allergic to this!

1. Water - "Aquagenic urticaria" is apparently a real thing, which is an allergy to water. How? HOW? Aren't humans made of 70% water or something like that. I'm not going to bother researching the specific number. I'm sure the exact number varies depending on various factors. Look, what I'm trying to get at here is that Signs is a terrible film. What dumbshit type of alien allergic to water invades a planet with a surface mostly of water and with tons of water vapor in the atmosphere.  How did this species even get to the point where it could conduct interstellar travel with that level of stupidity?