Ed Ranks the Vocalizations of Turkeys

Honestly, what an ugly piece of shit animal.

Yep, I'm doing this. I didn't ask for this. You didn't ask for this. Let's just get this over with.

8. Cutting - Yes, turkeys apparently make a sound that is called "cutting." I know it sounds dumb. That's why it's ranked last.

7. Yelp - When a turkey Yelps, it is generally angry with an experience it just had with a barista at the local coffee shop. Therefore it "yelps" its disapproval by providing a one-star review of the coffee shop.

6. Purr - Gross. Turkeys purr? It sounds cute when a cat is doing it. But if I had a purring turkey on my lap I would break it's neck right there and cook it for dinner.

5. Putt - Is this turkey about to go golfing?

4. Kee-Kee - This is the noise a turkey makes when it desperately wants to wants to watch Keke Palmer in her 2006 breakthrough role in Akeelah and the Bee. It's a modern classic.

3. Cackle - Cackling is a pretty evil thing to do. It just sounds like you're a villain. But then again, turkeys are kind of evil. This one turkey chased me around a farm when I was a kid. Scary stuff. Now I feel no remorse at all when I see their carcasses stuffed with bread and savory. Mmm. Savory. Maybe I should rank herbs!

2. Cluck - Clucking is a perfectly normal and respectable noise for a turkey to make. It is a bird, after all.

1. Gobble - I bet you were super surprised that turkeys make any noise OTHER than gobble, weren't you? Well, now you've just learned of seven other turkey vocalizations in addition to gobble. Your life is now complete and you can die happy.