Ed Ranks the Deaths of the Terra Nova Expedition Final Polar Party

This one had a higher death count than Infinity War. SPOILER ALERT?

Although sixty-five men formed the shore and ship's parties of the Terra Nova Expedition of Antarctica (1911-1913), only five of those men were... ermm... "lucky enough" to be selected on January 3, 1912 to be in the "final" party that made its push to the South Pole. This British expedition, led by Captain Robert Falcon Scott, was in a race to reach the Pole against a Norwegian expedition led by Roald Amundsen.

Captain Scott's January 3 party decision was largely a moot point, as Amundsen's Norwegian team has already reached the South Pole several weeks before on December 14, 1911. Of course, Scott didn't know that because Instagram didn't exist back then, so Scott wouldn't have been able to have see a picture posted by Amundsen that was like, "FIRST! Suck it, Scott!" Also, even if Instagram had existed back then data coverage would have probably been pretty sketch in Antartica anyway.

Look, that's all besides the point of this ranking. The point is, the British expedition was an ill-prepared comedy of errors that brought along the wrong equipment, supplies and animals (if you consider everyone dying to be "comedy," which I do). Scott was a damn fool to think they he could beat a bunch of Norwegians at cold weather activities. And so his dumb ass died, along with the four other people.

From left: Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead and Dead.

5. Edward Adrian Wilson (Hypothermia/Starvation; ~March 29, 1912) - Wilson was the expedition's physician, which is a sensible type of person to bring along. Not only that, but Wilson had previously traveled with Scott before on Scott's first Antarctic expedition (the Discovery Expedition) in 1901–1904. So you'd think this would be a good pick. It probably was, but it wasn't enough to save them. The party of five made it to the South Pole on January 17, only to discover that Amundsen had been there first. Defeated, the five began their journey back. And that's when shit started to go sour.  For his part, Wilson at least survived until the very end. On March 20, just 11 miles away from the "One Ton" food depot that would provide them nourishing supplies and food to keep going, the final three survivors (Wilson, with Scott and Bowers) were caught in a blizzard that would not end. On March 29, Scott wrote his final journal entry (the main records we have of how the final days of the expedition went down). It was essentially a goodbye letter. The three died together and their tent collapsed on them. Months later, their bodies were found on November 12.

4. Henry Robertson "Birdie" Bowers (Hypothermia/Starvation; ~March 29, 1912) - Birdie Bowers wasn't even supposed to be in the Final Polar Party. He had been a member of the sledge team led by Scott's second-in-command, Lieutenant Edward Evans, and it was really only supposed to be four people going down instead of five. For that reason, five people had to share a tent for four and eat the resources originally meant for four. This was obviously a HUGE MISTAKE. Bowers made it to the end, along with Wilson and Scott, dying somewhere around March 29 with the others from the extreme cold and lack of food. And while there were a TON of reasons this expedition was doomed, you gotta think that the last minute addition of Bowers played some part in that. So, for that reason - even though Wilson and Bowers (as well as Scott below) technically had the same "cause" of death (hypothermia and starvation) - I'll rank Birdie's death as slightly more interesting because, you know, its a little bit his fault. But you know whose fault this entire stupid thing is even more-so? Well...

3. Robert Falcon Scott (Hypothermia/Starvation; ~March 29, 1912) - The expedition leader (with arguably the most epic name) really went and did some piss-poor planning and execution for this trip. He provided his final polar party with inadequate rations. He decided that the Terra Nova Expedition would use ponies, which weren't at all suited for cold weather. He didn't properly train the men in his expedition how to ski. He placed his "One Ton" replenishment depot 35 miles north of its planned location (on the return trip, he would wind up dying 11 miles south of it, meaning that if it had been put where it was supposed to be put... he and his colleagues likely would have survived).  Scott made it to the end with Wilson and Bowers, and as noted above his own journal is our best record for what happened in these final days. He had pretty much given up on his journal by March 23 until his final entry on March 29, which began with the entirely pessimistic (but also completely accurate), "Last Entry." While Wilson and Bowers died huddled up in their sleeping bags, Scott died slightly outside of his bag with an arm wrapped around Wilson. This placement indicates that he was likely the very last one to die. Which is pretty fucking horrific. 

Here. Will a picture of penguins cheer you up?
This ranking is pretty depressing.

2. Edgar Evans (Catastrophic Brain Trauma; February 17, 1912) - Evans was an Antarctic veteran by the time he joined the Terra Nova expedition, as he had (like Wilson) served on Scott's first Antarctic expedition, the Discovery. He must have been pretty psyched when he reached the South Pole on January 17... and then pretty depressed after he saw the big middle finger left behind by Amundsen, indicating they had been beaten by five weeks. On the trek back on February 4, Evans slipped on the Beardmore Glacier and crashed his head into the side of a crevasse. He got a severe concussion, which surely would be treatable by modern medical science and having a nice hospital facility around. Alas, Evans had neither of those things because he was on an Antarctic expedition in 1912. All he had was expedition physician, Edward Wilson, who couldn't really do jack shit for him. By February 12, Evans collapsed and could go no further. The rest went ahead to the next supply depot and came back for him. When they found him, he was pretty much done-zo. He died the morning of February 17, exactly one month after reaching the South Pole. The remaining survivors never wrote down what happened to his body in their notes - and since they all died, nobody was ever able to ask them.

1. Lawrence "Titus" Oates (Suicide by Blizzard; ~March 17, 1912) - Captain Lawrence Edward Grace "Titus" Oates (Grace? Really?) went out like a boss. By March, he was hurting pretty badly. His feet were severely frostbitten and he was suffering from scurvy. He had an old war wound in his left thigh from the Second Boer War in South Africa, which was reopened during the arduous journey. By this time, the remaining survivors of the party were slowed down by Oates, and he knew it. The amount of provisions (like oil) the team had left was not enough to survive the slow pace that Oates had forced everyone else to go. On March 15, he requested everyone leave him behind but they refused. So on March 17 (or maybe the 16th, Scott wasn't sure in his journal), during the middle of a blizzard, Oates walked out of their tent and told the rest of the party, "I am just going outside and may be some time." And then he just walked out into the snow to die alone. It was an attempt at a heroic self-sacrifice to save the others. It didn't work, because the others all died anyway, but it's the thought that counts.  His body has never been found.

Ed Ranks the First 10 Google Image Results for "Knitting"

These kids today with their dangerous new challenges like the cinnamon challenge, the tide pod challenge, and the deodorant challenge!  Well I hear the crazy new things the kids are doing is typing "knitting" into Google with... *gasp*... SAFE IMAGE TURNED OFF!

Actually, that's not true at all. Nobody is doing that except for people who want to knit. People who want to knit... and ME.  So let's rank the first ten images that pop up on a Google Image search for "knitting," according to how well I believe that they represent the concept of knitting. Which I, of course, know absolutely nothing about.

For purposes of simplicity, I have presented the images in the exact order they popped up on Google, and have referred to them as A through J. A is the Google's very first image for knitting, and J its tenth. I could call them 1 through 10, but then that would get confusing... what with the rankings also being 1 through 10.

10.  A - How is this the FIRST image for knitting that pops up on Google? It barely represents knitting at all! First of all... there is no actually knitting. It's just yarn! And it's not even a classic yarn ball pattern. These are wobbly, strange looking yarns. Yarn tumors. And the choice of colors is highly questionable. There are way too many shades of blue in this mix of colors.

9. F - This is a pretty boring knitting picture with an intensely boring color of yarn. Yarn? More like YAWN, am I right people?

8. G - This picture is fine, but it's boring white background isn't helping any.  The colors are also a little washed out. Look at picture C and you'll see how much more vibrant this color could have been.

7. I - Oooh, the ultra-close zoom-in. And so many colors! 

6. E - Now I know this might be highly controversial (people will SURELY be talking about this controversy for years to come) as there is no knitting in this picture. Technically it is just yarn and needles. No knitting has begun yet. No pattern has been formed or textile assembled. Really, this is pre-knitting.  But it's such a good picture! You know some knitting 'bout to go down, shorty.

5. D - Aww yeah, that's some good knitting of red yarn!

4. C - Yep, this is some great knitting of turquoise-colored yarn here. And the needles match the yarn color. Impressive!

3. B - The second knitting picture is a lot better picture to represent knitting than the first one, as it actually shows someone knitting. But I have so many questions. Why is someone wearing a ring on their index finger? Is that some type of knitting accessory? I honestly know nothing about knitting, so I'd believe you if you told me it was. And is this lady holding her knitting together with a paper clip? That seems pretty white trash.

2. J - This is a great picture of knitting. It's pretty similar to C (maybe it's even from the same photoshoot?... the turquoise color of the yarn and the pattern its being knitted into look similar), but it has human fingers in it, so it's like an "action shot." Yeah. Knitting action shot.

1. H - Wow, this is KINKY.  Looks like this lady has knitted herself some purple bondage gear. Get your freak on, girl.

Ed Ranks IBA's "Unforgettable" Cocktails

Hey look, another alcohol ranking everyone!

The International Bartender's Association (IBA) is, and you would probably guess, an international association of bartenders. They created three lists of cocktails that every bartender should know - the "Unforgettable," "Contemporary Classics," and "New Era Drinks."  I guess the Unforgettables are supposed to be the most classic and important drinks. So I'll rank those. Although it's missing a lot of things which I would certainly call Unforgettable.

30. Between the Sheets - A cognac-based drink and why is this drink even on the "Unforgettable" list? With it's annoying, "playful" sexually-hinting name, you'd think it would be more of a "new era" drink. I'm not even going to bother writing down the rest of the ingredients. There is a zero percent chance I would order this drink... so why bother?

29. Angel Face - I've never even heard of this Calvados, gin and apricot brandy drink - so how exactly is that "Unforgettable" when Gin and Tonic isn't on this list anywhere?  I'll forget about it as soon as I'm done with this list. I don't even know what Calvados is. Some type of brandy? Who makes a drink with various fruit brandies? Probably just the old white ladies from "Arsenic and Old Lace."

28. Bacardi - In addition to being a brand of rum, apparently a Bacardi is also a Barcardi-based cocktail with its Carta Blanca variety of rum, mixed with grenadine and lime juice. This is a terrible drink to make because how the hell do you order it? "Bartender, give me a Bacardi." You know what the bartender will do? Pour you a class of Bacardi rum. They will not make you a cocktail.  I have a feeling that the IBA is open to corruption and Barcardi just paid them to put this on the list.

27. John Collins - What the fuck? a JOHN Collins? Not a Tom Collins? I'm not saying that a John Collins doesn't exist... but how exactly could it be listed as an unforgettable drink when the Tom Collins isn't and the Tom Collins is a thousand times more famous? I don't trust the IBA at all now. I thought this was supposed to be some sort of authority.

26. Porto Flip - Brandy, red port wine and an egg yolk? NO. THANK. YOU.

25. Monkey Gland - What an awful name. Gin, orange juice and grenadine that's ruined with Absinthe. I know people think Absinthe is cool and mysterious because it was banned in the U.S. for so many years. But it's really just another intolerable, disgusting licorice drink. Blech.

24. Americano - Campari, vermouth, soda water. Simple enough, although a bit too bitter and herb-ey. Why exactly is this called an Americano? Campari is Italian. How about an Italiano?

23. Clover Club - Gin with raspberry syrup, lemon juice and egg whites? Again, in no way is this "Unforgettable."

22. Paradise - Gin, apricot brandy and orange juice. People used to drink a whole lot of brandy back in the day. Not so much anymore.

Essentially, a drink for 1920s French Whores.

21. Stinger - Cognac and white Crème de Menthe. I would never have either of these in my liquor cabinet, nor order it in a bar. It sounds like the name of some type of Dane Cook sex act.

20. Sidecar - Cognac, triple sec, lemon juice. Meh. Again with the cognac. Turn that cognac into tequila and this would shoot straight up the charts.

19. Negroni - Gin, Campari, red vermouth. Another classic… but I don’t really like Campari.

18. Mary Pickford - Rum, maraschino, grenadine, pineapple juice. You might as well just order some Kool-Aid at this point. You're legally required to put an umbrella in this drink.

17. Alexander - Cognac, créme de cacao, and fresh cream. Who the hell has those three things laying around the house? Nobody, that's who. Is this an alcoholic Yoohoo?

16. Tuxedo - Gin, vermouth, maraschino, Absinthe, bitters. They start off with a perfectly good martini and then mess it up.

15. Derby - Gin, peach bitters, mint leaves. I'm not saying it sounds bad, but I'm not ordering it. Not even at a derby. It gets points for having gin though. I like gin.

14. Screwdriver - The introductory drink for underage kids who are aspiring alcoholics. Vodka and Orange Juice. Simple, but I haven't ordered one since I was 22. Vodka is mainly just garbage alcohol.

13. Casino - Gin, maraschino, orange bitters, lemon juice. Sounds simple and tasty... but it looks like a lady drink. I'd probably make it in private (and really enjoy it) but I wouldn't order it in a bar. Also, it has a dumb name. Are all these drinks really Unforgettable?

12. Aviation - Gin, maraschino, lemon juice. This is simple. I've never ordered it because I assume if I order an "Aviation" in a bar I'll get blank stares back. But it sounds refreshing.

11. White Lady - Gin, triple sec and lemon juice. The ingredients sounds pretty good and refreshing... but how much of a dick would I sound shouting out, "I'd like a white lady" at a bar?

10. Gin Fizz - Gin, syrup, lemon juice, soda water. Okay, but totally inferior to the Ramos version (see below). 

9. Planter's Punch - There are a million ingredients in this, so I'm not even going to name them all. But it's a big, fruity drink and you should only be allowed to order it when you're on a beach somewhere.

8. Daiquiri - Rum, simple syrup, lime juice. Simple. Awesome in either frozen or classic format. Good stuff. I'd pretend like I was ordering it for my wife... but it's really for me.

7. Rusty Nail - Scotch and Drambuie. It's hard to argue that Scotch should be mixed with anything at all, but I guess it's okay if it's some blended malt. This is fairly tasty.

6. Whiskey sour - Bourbon, syrup, lemon juice. I'd rather just have straight bourbon... but this is fine.

5. Sazerac - Okay, I'm going to have to disagree with the IBA here. The IBA says this is made with Cognac. Fuck that. You make a Sazerac with Rye Whiskey. Also, absinthe, a sugar cube, and bitters.  I know I hated on absinthe earlier, but it's allowed in this. A New Orleans classic.

4. Manhattan - Rye whisky, red vermouth, and a dash of bitters. If you order this with standard bourbon instead of rye whisky... I guess I'll allow it. But I'll judge you silently like a pretentious twat.

Throw gin in a glass. Call it a cocktail. Easy.

3. Ramos Gin Fizz - Heavenly manna in a glass. Gin, syrup, lemon, lime, cream, an egg white, orange flower water, vanilla. But so few bartenders have any clue how to make it. It's also fairly laborious. Unless you're in New Orleans. If you're in New Orleans, you've entered the Ramos Gin Fizz zone and all will be right in the world.

2. Old Fashioned - Rye or bourbon (substitutions allowed this time, unlike with the Manhattan), bitters, a sugar cube, and ice.  And the glass you put it in? It's called an "Old Fashioned Glass." What's more iconic than that? It's also delicious.

1. Dry Martini - 6 parts gin, 1 part vermouth. Pretty much the ultimate, classic cocktail. People who order martinis with vodka are garbage people. I'm just saying.

Ed Ranks Members of "TLC" by How Many Times They Burned Down Andre Rison's Mansion

(TIE) 3. & 2. Chili and T-Boz 

Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas and Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins are tied in second/third place. Together, they burned down former NFL wide receiver Andre Rison's mansion a total of zero times.

1. Left Eye 

Lisa Nicole "Left Eye" Lopes burned down 5-Time Pro Bowl Superstar Andre Rison's mansion a total of one time (on June 9, 1994, after setting fire to a pair of his tennis shoes in a bathtub). Congratulations, Lisa Left Eye Lopes... you win this ranking! And also, Rest in Peace.

Ed Ranks Meanings of the Song "Wet Sand," According to Random Internet People

Behold, WET SAND!

"Wet Sand" is the 13th song on the "Jupiter" album of the Red Hot Chili Peppers double album "Stadium Arcadium."

It's not a super famous song, nor was it ever a single.

But random people on the internet still have opinions about it, especially at the website SongMeanings.com. So let's rank these random theories. There are seven pages worth of theories at this website. No way am I doing all of them. How about just the nine theories posed on page 1? Sure! Why not:

 9. stuge: No clue

love it, awesome feel.. maybe someone could explain the wet sand bit?

Uhh... I hate to break this to you, stuge, but the website SongMeanings.com is supposed to include suggested meanings for songs. So submitting a song meaning which is "could someone explain the 'Wet Sand' part of the song 'Wet Sand'" doesn't exactly instill great confidence in me that you know how to use this website properly.

8. ckjohnson7: Overcoming adversity and addiction to find meaningless, fleeting success

ckjohnson7 posts a rambling, indulgent 1442-word-long theory that probably says more about his/her own deep psychological scars than it does about any lyrical content of a Chili Peppers song.  The crux of the diatribe is this:

Anthony has struggled throughout the years to overcome addiction, conquer the world through music, and find meaning in everything. It all amounts to a very small, temporary impact -- making a form in wet sand. Ultimately, the ocean of life washes everything away, but through his work, struggle, and searching, he has made a tiny impact in the universe, which is what he strives for, and what, ultimately, he is proud of, even if nobody else understands it.

The explanation then goes to analyze almost every single line of the song with lengthy, reaching explanations.  However, with regard to the lyric, "The disrepair of Norma Jean...", ckjohnson7 states that he/she "doesn't get" the reference. That's right. He/she provides a detailed, lengthy analysis for EVERY single line in the song except for one line, which is a totally obvious reference to Marylin Monroe. Which just proves that ckjohnson7 has no idea what on earth the song is actually about and is making shit up. Plus nobody has time for a goddamn thesis on an obscure Chili Peppers song.

7. de4dr4bbit: Sadness/loss of wonder

it's about the sadness from the point of view of someone looking at people who've lost their sense of wonder  

This one is just super lazy.

6. Avatar-rock: Inability to mature due to constant change

wet sand... hmm, it's like he's saying that most people can't build their lives and mature whilst constantly moving, like wet sand does, convulsing to any pressure, but he feels he has, and he needed that time of constantly changing and moving on to become what he has today? kinda works.

I'm not even going to try to figure out this review, since the reviewer themself doesn't even seem confident. I just want to know what this guy/gal's handle of "Avatar-rock" is supposed to refer to. Does he/she have a rock band where they all dress up as the giant blue James Cameron Fern Gully tree Smurf cats? Do they record heavy metal renditions of the music from Avatar: The Last Airbender?

A musical album by a group with songs and whatnot.

5. TheNostrand: Human beings, by their nature, cannot be defined

I think AK [Anthony Kiedis] is revealing something about himself and the environment that surrounds him when is in his true element. Think about it, if you put your hand in wet sand and take it out as to make a hand print, there is truely no form and nothing is defined. I think this is what he means by wet sand, the idea that perhaps this is the state that he as a person defines himself. Maybe he is asking his GF and soon to be wife to accept him as is and understand his nature.

Half of this explanation is actually trying to explain the concept of actual wet sand, rather than the song "Wet Sand." I don't think people need actual wet sand explained to them. Most people have, at one time or another, encountered wet sand and are generally aware that it exists and has a loosely adherent nature that dry sand lacks.

4. mopcop: A conflict between living a free-spirited or structured life

This song is about a clash between the free-spirit and his love, who is on a more direct path in their life. The free-spirit is "travelling from coast to coast", reveling in it, but pines over the lack of structure (something CONCRETE, SOLID, like a diamond?) which he associates with the standard "settling down" folks do (career, family, car, home). Whether this is a real person, or the person is a symbol, it works both ways.

I guess it COULD be about this, mopcop. Although it could also just be about how Anthony Kiedis likes building sand castles. Sand castles rule!

3. pfmonkey25: Religion vs. Evolution

 Supposedly this song is about Anthony having a fight with a girl, where Anthony believes in divine creation and the girl believes in evolution.

pfmonkey25 tells us to "Search Anthony Kiedis on google news search and click on the link titled 'Peppers are lost in space'" to provide proof of this. I can't find any such article, so this might as well just be completely made up. But at least pfmonkey25 is trying to make it SOUND like he/she has an actual source. And making us THINK that he/she knows what the song is actually about is a pretty effective strategy. So let's just go ahead and give points for effort. Although I will say that the song is absolutely NOT about this topic at all.

Looks like music-type stuff happening here.

2. rhcpayne: Inability to connect with others

"You don't form in the wet sand" was actually a line and tune that John had in his head for awhile. Anthony heard him mumbling it over and over and asked if he could use it. I think that Anthony used it and added lyrics that show his inability to connect with his significant others on a permanant basis. This has been shown in his many serious, but unlasting relationships. A lot of the lines are hopeful, but followed by feelings of disconnect, which comes to a head in the chorus at the end of the song.

rhcpayne speaks pretty authoritatively, as if he/she has a reference to prove this story about Anthony [Kiedis] taking the words from John [Frusciante] is a fact. CITATION NEEDED.

1. lnkndarkness: Not a damn thing

the wet sand part that is seeming to escape everyone is doing so because it means... nothing... when john frusciante was jamming the music to this at band practice before the lyrics were written and he was mumblin some random words, and anthiny heard some of em... one of the things john mumbled was "Wet Sand"... which anthony felt was just an incredible phrase

This "theory" (about Kiedis stealing the words from Frusciante) actually is consistent with rhcpayne's theory. Since both of these meanings appear to be citing the same source - maybe there actually IS a valid citation to be had somewhere. Given that the stories re-enforce one another, these have to be the top two theories. However, this one is clearly the winner because it's the most logical. Songs aren't usually about anything at all. Rock stars do a bunch of drugs and write down some random lyrics when they are high AF. Isn't that the most plausible explanation/meaning of all?

Ed Ranks 19th Century American Serial Killers

Wow, really? This got dark. Why on earth would anyone rank these?  Am I trying to justify that “it’s okay” because everyone who was murdered would be dead already by now? Not really. This is not an okay ranking at all. But I’m doing it anyway.

From the Topps "Racist Asshole"
trading card collection

.

7. "Wild" Bill Longley

 A ruthless, racist gunfighter who self-claims to have killed 32 people, most of whom were obviously minorities, especially ex-slaves. But as a drunken, gambling criminal – he also killed others in robberies. He fled to South Dakota and joined the army where he could continue killing – as killing Native Americans was sort of the army’s thing. But lacking discipline, he deserted (twice) and fled back to his native Texas where he continued to kill. The killing of one of those people, a childhood friend, was what would eventually lead to his arrest and hanging. This sounds like a terrible person, right? Well, from 1958 to 1960, CBS aired a television show about him called “The Texan” where he’s depicted as THE HERO fighting lawlessness in the Ol' West. Which makes that TV show the second most offensive and horrible CBS TV show of all time, coming in right after "Young Sheldon."

6. Servant Girl Annihilator 

19th Century writing is AWESOME.

 Wow, what a TERRIBLE name (coined by O. Henry [the short short-writer, not to be confused with the chocolate bar], who lived in Austin at the time of the murder spree). Yikes. This unidentified serial killer and axe murderer abducted, raped and murdered seven women from their bedrooms at night between 1884 and 1885 in Austin, Texas. Alone with those seven women was one man, presumably the husband of one of the women. Various and inconsistent eyewitness accounts were given about the murderer and his race, with accusations that he was a Malay or Black, or maybe someone hiding their skin tone by covering themselves in soot. The murders stopped after Nathan Elgin, a 19-year old cook, was killed by police while attempting to assault a woman with a knife in February 1886. So he’s been identified as the most likely culprit.

5. Boone Helm

AKA the Kentucky Cannibal. You can see what direction we’ll be going here. Apparently Helm wanted to join the California Gold Rush in 1850, but when his partner backed out on him, he murdered him and voyaged West alone. Along the way, he started murdering and eating people. I can see why this part of traveling West was left out of “The Oregon Trail” video game for elementary school kids. Eventually, Helm met up with a team of six other people and confided his history with them. But then poor weather conditions on their way West led to them dying one-by-one. You know, except for Helm. Who, presumably, ate his companions. He was rescued and brought to Salt Lake City, but quickly had to flee to San Francisco. There he continued to kill the people he befriended, and moved on afterwards to Oregon, Texas and Montana. In that last location he was finally arrested and hanged. It’s believed he killed between 8 and 24 people. What an ass.

4. The Bloody Benders

This is not a cover band where everyone dressed up like Bender from "Futurama." Instead, the Bender Family (John, Elvira, Kate and John Jr.) ran a bed & breakfast and general store along the Great Osage Trail in Labette County, Kansas. Truth and legend about the Benders is hard to distinguish, but they were apparently an immigrant family with thick accents that practiced all sorts of crazy spiritualist religious stuff. They might not have even been a family of related people - but just a group of immigrants who pretended to be a family. Weary travelers who needed a place to stay though that this inn would be a great rest stop. It wasn’t. About 12 or so different travelers that decided to stay at the Bender’s inn never left alive. Most appear to have been bashed in the head with a hammer, followed up by having their throats slit. After people went to investigate what happened to their loved ones who vanished, and THOSE people went missing too, eventually the authorities caught on and went to investigate. The Benders had fled, but dead bodies were found buried all over their property. Their eventual fate is really unknown. There are various legends that they were tracked down and killed by posses of vigilantes. But the mysterious nature of their eventual fate has left a cultural impact, and they have been depicted in multiple fictionalized tales.

3. Liver-Eating Johnson

Yes, this serial killer gets a STATUE DEDICATED TO HIM.

John Jeremiah Garrison Johnston was a mountain man in the Old West. According to legend, after his Native American pregnant wife was killed by a member of the rival Crow Nation tribe, he went on an insane vendetta against the tribe where he scalped and killed more than 300 members of the Crow Nation over a 25 year period. Oh yeah, and he ate their livers. Hence the name.  Really, this guy doesn’t seem ALL THAT TERRIBLE in comparison to the others, right? He just wanted to get some vengeance for the murder of his wife. I guess you can say he took it a bit far. It happens. Is the 300 number true? Probably not. Still, points for the nickname.

2. Jolly Jane Toppan 

She seems nice.

#feminism #girlpower Jane Toppan was just your average, ordinary Irish immigrant nurse in Massachusetts except for the fact that she’s on this list and thus is an insane serial killer. Despite growing up in a rough childhood at an orphanage, by 1885 she started working at Cambridge Hospital where she was popular and beloved (hence “Jolly Jane”). There she began to befriend sick and elderly patients… you know… the types who already have a high mortality rate and if they died nobody would think much about it because they were sick and old. She decided to play around with their prescribed doses of drugs. You know, just to see what would happen. Science stuff. She moved to Massachusetts General Hospital, where she was fired after a lot of her patients died, and moved back to Cambridge. There she was fired too for administering opiates in a reckless manner (some things never change!). But this was all just her warming up. After that she became a private nurse and really started ramping up the murder in 1895. She killed her landlord, his wife, her foster system, more elderly patients, their spouses, their children, etc.  She was arrested in 1901 and confessed to 31 murders. She is quoted as saying that her ambition was "to have killed more people—helpless people—than any other man or woman who ever lived." Well, at least she set goals.

1. H. H. Holmes

This could honestly be ANY 19th Century guy.

I won’t linger too long on Herman Webster Mudgett, AKA Dr. Henry Howard Holmes (even though I could) because he’s already pretty famous. The New York Times best-seller novel “The Devil in the White City” is about him, and it’s been optioned to become a movie, perhaps starring Leonardo DiCapro. But the long story short on this one: He’s obviously not a real doctor, and decided that the 1893 World's Colombian Exposition (World’s Fair) in Chicago would be a great way to churn up business. His business being murdering people. With a large number of itinerant people needed to help build a city-within-a-city in Chicago for the World’s Fair (as well as the associated prostitutes and other people who would come into town to "service" those other itinerant workers), it easy for all those people to just vanish. And so H.H. Holmes began to build a murder hotel. A giant hotel, complete with secret incineration rooms, designed simply so that he could murder people in it. But poor, itinerant workers weren’t the only people Holmes liked to kill. Wealthier people with land and property were also good targets. His plan was simple – befriend people, get named in their life insurance policies (or will), murder them, and then get the money. He would also sell the skeletons of murder victims to medical institutions for EVEN MORE MONEY!. This business was so booming that he even used some land he inherited from someone he murdered to begin the process of opening up a SECOND murder hotel in Ft. Worth, Texas (he never was able to build it though). But you can only murder so many people and collect on their insurance before State Farm goes, “Hey! WAIT A MINUTE! This guy is on the insurance policy of a LOT of brutally murdered people!” He was arrested and hanged in Philadelphia. He confessed to 27 murders, but there are estimates that he might have killed over 230. Which means “Jolly Jane” Toppan wasn’t even close with her paltry 31 kills.

Ed Ranks the Miracles of Jesus

No way this one could be controversial, right?

10. Pulling a Coin from a Fish's Mouth

Tilapia and a Tyrian four shekel coin? NICE CATCH!

There is a reason that this lame-ass miracle is only in one of the four gospels (Matthew 17:24-27), and that's because it is a lame-ass miracle.  Pulling a coin from a fish's mouth? Really?! Is Jesus a shitty street magician?  Is Jesus David Blaine? Maybe Jesus can do that thing where he asks you which of the three cups the ball is under too. Maybe Jesus can steal your nose (spoiler: it's just his thumb placed in-between his middle and ring fingers). People were too easily impressed in the first century.  I'd also be remiss if I didn't note that Matthew doesn't actually say that this happened. It says that Jesus told Peter to go catch a fish and pull a coin from its mouth. It doesn't say that Peter did it and that actually happened. I guess it's supposed to be implied. But maybe Peter did it and nothing happened at all and he was like, "Oh Jesus, that prankster! He got me again!" Technically nothing in the bible contracts that possibility. 

9. Cursing a Fig Tree

Fuck this particular tree.

Mark (11:12–2) and Matthew (21:18–22) tell a story about Jesus being hungry and seeing a fig tree. But fig trees don't produce figs all year. They only produce figs in-season. You know, like all other plant life. Because that's how botany works. Jesus got angry that the fig tree didn't have any figs on it even though it wasn't fig season, and so he cursed the tree so that it would wither away and die. If every miracle was like this miracle, your general impression of Jesus would be that he's sort of a giant dick. In the book of Matthew, his disciples are super impressed by his ability to do this and are like, "Whoa, man! Awesome!"  If I were one of his disciples, I would have been like, "Dude, if you're going to perform a miracle... don't kill the tree. Just make the tree grow some figs out of season! Then we can eat them." I bet if I would have said that, Jesus would have been like, "Oh yeah, that's a much better idea. Thanks, Ed."

8. Transfiguration 

The three Synoptic Gospels (Matthew 17:1–8, Mark 9:2–8, Luke 9:28–36) all mention that Jesus went up to a mountain and began to shine brightly.  I'm sorry to break it to everyone, but to me it just sounds like Jesus slapped on some bronzer in the morning and got a really bitchin' tan. Or if we're going to take the "glowing" thing literally, then maybe the mountain was made of uranium-235. If that's the case, then maybe Pontius Pilate did Jesus a solid with that execution thing rather than him going out slowly and painfully over the course of many years like Marie Curie.

7. Exorcisms

Jesus performed seven major exorcisms of evil spirits, including at the synagogue of Capernaum (Mark 1:21–28;  Luke 4:31–37), the Gerasene demoniac (Mark 5:1-20; Luke 8:26-39; Matthew 8:28-34), and so on. Look, it was a ton of exorcisms. I'm not going to cite every single one of those. According to exactly zero of the biblical accounts did any of the exorcisms involve a girl's head spinning around and vomiting. This is really a shame.

6.  Walking on Water

Starting at $11,999.

Walking on water (Mark 6:45–53, Matthew 14:22–34; John 6:15–21) sounds pretty cool. But you know what's even cooler than WALKING on water? Waverunning on water. If Jesus really wanted to impress, he would have met his disciples on a Yamaha WaveRunner Performance Race Series VXR.  Its 4-cylinder, 4-stroke, 1.8 Liter High Output Yamaha Marine Engine with a Fuel Capacity of 18.5 gallons would have been the perfect way to show his disciples that Yamaha Revs Your Heart® and is agile, powerful and seriously fun. He could have even shown how riders can switch from forward to neutral to reverse with one pull of the throttle resulting in easier deceleration, reversing and docking. Yamaha is the most reliable and and innovative personal watercraft (PWC) on the market.

5. Turning Water into Wine

He could have also turned water into this. But He didn't.

There is probably a reason that the four canonical gospels jump from Jesus being a baby all the way to Jesus being a grown-ass man.  And that reason is that this whole "water to wine" thing probably meant that Jesus had some wild teenage years and the courts were forced to expunge his juvy record. Can you imagine all the frat parties that Jesus must have gone to where he made the whole place lit? His buddies wanted to go out and spend money on booze and he was like, "Nah, cuz. I got this." Oh sure, the bible only mentions one wedding in Cana (John 2:1-11) where Jesus did this after the party ran out of wine. But do you really think that was the ONLY time he did this? If you KNOW you can turn water into wine, that's not something you're only going to do once.

4. Feeding the Multitude

In all four gospels (Matthew 14:13-21; Mark 6:31-44; Luke 9:12-17; John 6:1-14), Jesus feeds 5000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish. I know, I know... maybe you're thinking that these were just really BIG loafs of bread and perhaps the fish were Whale Sharks. But furthermore, in Matthew (15:32-39) and Mark (8:1-9), he does this a second time by feeding 4000 people with seven loaves and a few small fish.  Yeah, this time it specifically notes that the fish are small. This is pretty impressive, and I don't think we're supposed to imply that he just gave everyone really small portions like a fancy, expensive restaurant. Although I guess the accounts don't necessarily mean that Jesus didn't do some sort of stone soup type of thing to get everyone to understand the value of sharing. Honestly, getting people to understand the value of sharing sounds like a pretty cool, Jesus-ey thing to do.

3. Calming the Storm

Jesus can control the weather (Matthew 8:23-27; Mark 4:35-41; Luke 8:22-25). This means Jesus is essentially Storm from X-Men. Which is awesome.

2.  Healing People 

"Bam! Healed! Now how do you want to handle the co-pay?"

As with the exorcism thing above, Jesus heals a TON of people. This is Jesus's M.O. When Jesus wants to prove he's got awesome miracle powers, all he has to do is heal someone. I'm not going to cite specific gospels for this one... but just know that he does a bunch of healing. Blindness. Leprosy. Paralysis. Withered Hands. Dropsy. Infirmity. Bleeding. The deaf mute of Decapolis. The centurion's servant. Peter's Mother-in-Law. He gives Malchus a new ear. The daughter of Jairus is "healed" according to the gospels of Mark and Luke (the story is different in Matthew, but I'll get to that below). Personally, I think Jesus was wasting his time with that whole carpentry thing. Really, he should have opened up an HMO.

1. Resurrection of the Dead

Yellow robe guy's reaction is EVERYTHING.

Look, if you're going to impress someone with miracles, then resurrecting the dead is a pretty damn solid way to do that.  Everyone knows about the Raising of Lazarus (John 11:1–44). I especially enjoy how in the Gospel of John, Jesus is being cryptic and mysterious about it and is talking in code. He's like, "Our friend Lazarus is asleep, but I am going to awaken him." Then his disciples are all like, "Oh, I guess that's cool, Jesus. But waking up an asleep guy isn't that impressive. We could do that." Then Jesus sighs deeply and is like, "No, you idiots. I mean he's dead and I'm going to bring him back." I'm not lying. That literally happens in the bible. Jesus's friends are too dumb to get his subtlety so he has to mansplain it to them. ANYWAY, the bible includes more than just raising Lazarus. There is also the story of the Young Man from Nain (Luke 7:11–17) as well as the Matthew (9:18–26) version of the daughter of Jairus where the daughter is dead rather than just sick. And I suppose he raises himself from the dead too, right? Does that one count?