Ed Ranks Subway Sandwiches

Let us never speak of Jared again.

Man, I sure do talk about food stuff a lot, huh? It was just the other day I was talking about Thanksgiving sides. Well, I guess you can tell I’m fat. Here are the 16 subs that Subway says are currently available:

16. Turkey Breast - You must be a very boring person to go to Subway and order a turkey breast sub.

15. Veggie Delight - You’re boring too, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you have some moral reason and objection to the killing of animals that makes you order this. Still though.

14. Black Forest Ham - Come on people, you can clearly make this at home yourself. Buy some ham from the grocery store! This isn’t that hard!

13. Classic Tuna - I’m not really sure I understand the appeal of tuna + mayonnaise. I’d eat it as a kid, I guess.  I can’t recall a single time in the last 20 years though when I was like, “Oh man, I need a tuna salad sandwich.”

12. Roast Beef - As with some of the others above, it takes no effort to make this at home if you really like roast beef sandwiches. It’s not a fancy sandwich with multiple types of cured meats that you need to mix, match, and figure out the correct ratios for ultimate taste delight. It’s just roast beef.

11. Oven Roasted Chicken - The most boring warm-meat sandwich you can get here. The plain chicken they have is seemingly for you to dip other sauces onto like ranch or teriyaki. Yet some people who go to Subway are so basic that they are just like, “No thanks. Plain, aggressively unseasoned chicken for me, please!”

10. Rotisserie-Style Chicken - I suppose this is supposed to have more flavor than the oven roasted one, but I’ve never ordered it.  Still, I bet there’s no way this tastes as good as some real rotisserie chicken.

9. Cold Cut Combo - A way to trick grown adults into ordering a bologna sandwich. Well played, Subway. Well played.

8. Spicy Italian - For those of you who enjoy the Italian BMT but think to yourself, “Hey, I wanted to be robbed of one of the ingredients and get less meat.” Why even bother to have this on the menu when they already have the BMT?

7. Steak & Cheese - Cheesesteaks are delicious… but do you really trust the “steak” that comes from Subway? Do you?

6.  Chipotle Cheesesteak - As above, but with a mildly spicy sauce that isn’t really spicy at all, but hey… at least it’s trying!

Behold, a lie with no bacon.

5. Subway Club - Club sandwiches are the best sandwiches, so this could be the best. Unfortunately, this club is a bit of a lie. Club sandwiches have bacon. That’s a fact. This sandwich has ham, turkey and roast beef. Those are all correct. Good work on those, Subway. BUT YOU’RE MISSING THE BACON! Sure, you can add bacon on. But that costs more. So points down for failing to deliver the key club ingredient.

4. Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt - A standard chicken sandwich can be vastly improved with the addition of ranch. This is not an opinion. This is a fact. Also, bacon my friends. See, Subway Club… that wasn’t that hard, was it?

3. Italian BMT - The best cold sandwich on the menu. Salami. Pepperoni. Ham. Accept no substitutes. And don’t be tricked by the Spicy Italian.

2. Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki - An amazing sandwich, brought forth by the gods who blessed us all with its glorious conception.

1. Meatball Marinara - I am fairly sure that this has to be the least healthy sub on the menu, right?  I know it’s bad loving the least healthy sub on the menu at a place which is all about giving you healthy options and telling you how many calories are in your meal. But meatballs + cheese + marinara sauce + bread  = magic. Also, add in other stuff if you want too, I guess. Hot peppers, for one. Those are the best.

Ed Ranks Films Based on Michael Crichton Novels

Protip: This film is awful. Do not watch.

Michael Crichton was (RIP) a prolific writer of drama, especially with a light-touch sci-fi / "techno thriller" twist. Many of his novels were adapted into films, with mixed results. If you’re looking for Westworld to be here, you won’t find it because even though he wrote the script for it, it wasn’t originally a novel. Here the 11 films are, ranked:

11. Congo (1995) - Wow, what a shitshow this film was. Looking at the un-special effects, it’s hard to believe that this came out AFTER Jurassic park. This film is pretty much a poorly-thought out rip off of Romancing the Stone, but with really bad great apes that look like they escaped from the Jim Henson Workshop. Look, it’s really hard for me to diss any film with Tim Curry because Tim Curry is the best, but this one? Yikes.

10. Timeline (2003) - A film with Paul Walker (also RIP) and Gerard Butler before anyone knew who those two guys were. Crichton’s book itself wasn’t exactly A++ material, as it was a somewhat shoddy time travel story. But at least it could have been adapted into a stupid fun film where you looked past its plot hole and enjoyed the ride. This major motion picture, however, winds up having the look, feel, and (presumably) budget of a really, really bad SyFy Channel TV movie.

9. Sphere (1998) - A mysterious sphere is found at the bottom of the ocean. Is it alien? Is it from the future? The past? Why is the sphere sending out the 1990's version of angry Tweets threatening to kill people? Nothing makes sense about this, and so the Navy must call on a ragtag group of non-military scientist/civilians to help them out.  The novel read was enjoyable, albeit predictable in a number of ways. The film adaption was less amazing, despite having Sharon Stone, Samuel Motherfucking Jackson, and… wait… is that Huey Lewis?! Barry Levinson should probably stick to dramas about how miserable Baltimore is.

More like "The Terrible Film."

8. The Terminal Man (1974) - A young version of that guy from Just Shoot Me and The Goldbergs has seizures and gets a microchip implanted in his brain to stop them. Unfortunately, the microchip also for some reason gives him pleasure from being a sadistic asshole, so he of course goes around being a sadistic asshole. Crichton was arguably ahead-of-his-time with many of his ideas, thinking of new stories for films that Hollywood hadn’t dared to do movies about before. This film touched upon Cyberpunk and post-human themes before many other films walked on the same grounds. Unfortunately, it did it sort of shittily. This was a common problem with 1970s films though. Bell bottoms and those haircuts ruin almost everything.

7. Disclosure (1994) - Michael Douglas just seems to attract insane women, as this film is basically Fatal Attraction, Part 2.  Douglas’s new lady stalker is Demi Moore (not a bad lady stalker to have). But when he spurs her (we all know nobody would spurn Demi Moore, especially not this sex addict), instead of cooking a bunny rabbit Demi Moore makes up sexual harassment allegations about him. Since this is a Crichton story though -- some completely unnecessary sci-fi element had to be added, and thus all the players in this film are working for a computer company and, for no good reason at all, they force in a totally unnecessary “virtual reality” sequence that adds ZERO and easily could have been left out of the film. Meh.

6. The 13th Warrior (1999) - Based on Crichton’s The Eaters of the Dead, this film is about Antonio Banderas being an Arab ambassador/poet/warrior dude that’s exiled for having sex with the wrong noble’s wife (eh, it happens). In his exile, he’s sent to hang out with some Vikings, including a dude named “Buliwyf.” Apparently these Vikings are dealing with some pretty nasty demonic entities named the “Wendol.” That’s right. If you’re having a hard time recognizing what this story is based on, obviously your high school English teachers failed you. But the film and novel are really only half-based on Beowulf, since the other half is actually based on the actual writings of a real Arab dude who hung out with Vikings in the 10th Century. I shit you not. The fictionalized story adds in the part about a prophecy demanding that 13 Warriors must face the Wendol to defeat them, and one of the Warriors must not be a Viking (hence Banderas’ convenient appearance). Critics and general audiences were divided on the film, with audiences liking it a lot more than the critics. In the end it’s a somewhat enjoyable--although pretty standard--action film. The book is a lot better, and is a perfect example of a hard-to-translate to film novel. This is because the novel was written as if it were narrated as a scientific commentary on an old manuscript, which is pretty awesome. The difficulty in turning that format into a film is clear, given that the novel was released in 1976 and it took until 1999 for anyone to figure out how to “movie” it.

5. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) - So yeah, Jurassic Park was huge. Huuuuuuge. Huge. Obviously there was going to be a sequel to the movie based on the Michael Crichton novel. So Michael Crichton went ahead and wrote a sequel novel (he’d never written a sequel before) called “The Lost World,” and said, “Here you go, Hollywood! Enjoy!” Then Hollywood said, “Great, we’ll take the title and pretty much none of the rest of anything you wrote.” In fairness, the film starts off sort of similar to the novel in that Ian Malcolm has to to go back to dinosaur land and visit a “Site B” second island. And I know I’m ranking the films here instead of the books, but book-wise this made no sense because Crichton actually killed off Malcolm in the first book. But that damn Jeff Goldblum is so charismatic, they had to bring him back! Anyway, the movie replaces a somewhat interesting techno-thriller story about genetic manipulation inserted into the dinosaurs and shortening their lifespan with a “Hey, let’s box them up and bring them to the United States!” idea so that they can show dinosaurs running around in the streets of America. Ugh.

Seriously though. File your taxes.

4. Rising Sun (1993) - The folks on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes don’t rank this one so high, but fuck em’.  I say this film about Los Angeles cops Wesley Snipes and Sean Connery (and Tia Carrere!!!) investigating the murder of a white hooker at a Japanese tech firm in THE EXECUTIVE FUCK ROOM is awesome. It’s really a pretty good detective story / murder mystery and I didn’t find myself immediately figuring out what was going on or who did it. It also had a twist that for 1993 would have been pretty new -- that video tape evidence of a crime was manipulated and there was some face swapping done. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, but the film is from 1993 and you should have seen it by now. Today, we take that type of digital manipulation for granted when we replace every single actor with Nicholas Cage.

3. The Andromeda Strain (1971) - A team of scientists investigate a deadly organism from space after a satellite crashes into the Earth and kills everyone in a small town...and a director has way too much fun extensively using split screens. The alien virus also wants to kill everyone with a nuclear meltdown and stuff too. And something something about PH levels affecting it. Look, the “science” part of the science fiction here isn’t the strong point (it never is with Crichton) - but the “fiction” part is great and it’s a great story. This movie is probably the film that sticks most closely to the Crichton novel. It’s a good one. A good enough one so that parts of this film pretty much wrote every single Third Doctor story for the first two years of Doctor Who’s run in the early 1970s. I’m just saying.

2. The Great Train Robbery (1979) - The only Crichton theatrical release based on one of his own novels that he directed himself (aside from some 13th Warrior re-shoots), The Great Train Robbery is about master-thief Sean Connery and his plan to steal a shipment of gold from a British train back in the 1850s, based (loosely) on a real 1885 robbery. In the end, the film deviated a bit from the actual novel and went from a serious tone to more of a low-key comedy. And I repeat to you, Michael Crichton both wrote the novel and directed the film while penning its screenplay. That means that Michael Crichton took a story from Michael Crichton and said, “Fuck it, that’s stupid. What kind of idiot wrote this? Let’s make this story funny instead!” And making it funny worked. Why? Sean Connery is hilarious, that’s why. Yeah, we all remember that Connery’s James Bond was a suave, manly secret agent. But we often forget that he was the best Bond because his Bond was also a silly, ludicrous, pun-making, goofball fuckwit who mostly just accidentally stumbled into victory over SPECTRE and endless vagina.

Watch this every time it's on TV.

1. Jurassic Park (1993) - I’m not sure of exactly what to write here. I don’t need to explain the film or story to you. Nor do I need to justify why this is number one. It’s obviously number one. Dinosaurs are awesome. God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man loves dinosaurs. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth. Amazing special effects that are still better than the shoddy CG effects coming out 25 years later. This is a GREAT film and a great story, and you can see why people were thirsty to turn more Crichton novels into films after the success of this one, despite the fact that Crichton wasn’t exactly a new kid on the block and his novels had already been turning into films for years though. Still, it greatly expanded after 1993… much to our regret with some of those doozies like Congo.

Ed Ranks Thanksgiving Sides

Happy #Thanksgiving (#notmine)

A post shared by Ed Haberman (@edhaberman) on Nov 23, 2017 at 8:27pm PST

So here we are - another Thanksgiving upon us where we get to spend time with our annoying family members who want to talk about politics. Lovely!


At least we’re going to get some good food out of this, right? Unless the turkey is too dry. Whatever. We can just douse gravy all over it to hide that. But let’s not talk about the turkey itself. Let’s talk about the sides. And for purposes of this, “sides” won’t include desserts. Nor will it include the aforementioned gravy. I mean gravy is a must but you don’t really eat it on its own. You just pour it generously on EVERYTHING on the plate. Yes, even the cranberry sauce.

12. Cauliflower - In looking up “Thanksgiving side recipes” online, I probably looked through  hundreds of recipes just to make sure I wasn’t missing any big ones. You know what I saw multiple recipes of? Various cauliflower things. Now look, I’m actually a fan of cauliflower and enjoy it. Raw, roasted, in curry… whatever. But the attempt to make cauliflower one of the Thanksgiving staples is a blasphemous attempt to make Thanksgiving marginally more healthy. And that I simply will not stand for.

11. Brussels Sprouts - See above. This is almost the exact same thing as cauliflower. A pretty transparent attempt to lower Thanksgiving calorie intake by throwing in a healthy vegetable. I’ll put this one marginally ahead of cauliflower though, because at least most Thanksgiving Brussels Sprout recipes give up and include chopped up pieces of bacon along with the baked/broiled sprouts. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

10. Winter Squash - Squash in general, and especially winter squashes like acorn or butternut, appear time and time again as various Thanksgiving side dishes. And I can understand why we associate this with Thanksgiving, as the fall season does bring us the time of gourd harvesting. But we literally JUST HAD A HOLIDAY that was all obsessed with gourds and that holiday was Halloween. I guess squash is fine and everything… but there just isn’t room on my plate or in my belly for this addition. Especially when there are so many other great options higher up the ranks.

9. Dinner Rolls - Delicious, but lazy as hell unless you’re making them from scratch. Otherwise, you can buy these things in the store year round. Don’t act like they’re magically special on Thanksgiving.

Tasty? Yes. Thanksgiving? Eh... I'm not so sure.

8. Mac & Cheese - I have pretty much the same doubts of this being a “Thanksgiving” meal as I do with dinner rolls. Delicious? Yes. But mac and cheese is an all-year-round kind of deal. Also, mac & cheese is just too much. Pasta is a starchy stomach-filler that will get you full in seconds. Then how will you have room to pour the gravy boat directly in your mouth?

7. Greens - This one is vague, but there are all sorts of ways you can have greens with your Thanksgiving dinner. Very similar to the last two above, greens are something you could and should be eating all year anyway… but I guess if you HAVE to have some sort of “healthy” vegetable with the rest of your meal, it might as well be a nice little spoon full of greens. Note that the actual health value of those greens should be eradicated though, as your spinach should be creamed and your collards should be stewed with peppers and pork fat.

6. Cornbread - Not to keep sounding like a broken record, but this is another one that falls down the list a bit because, really, it’s not that special for Thanksgiving. You should be eating cornbread all year long because it’s delicious. CORNBREAD!!!!! YEAHHHHH!!!!!

5. Sweet Potatoes / Yams - Now we’re getting into the Top 5. The real deal. If these five things aren’t on your Thanksgiving plate then you’re not living life correctly.  Sweet potatoes and yams are one of the definitive Thanksgiving dishes. I know people are trying to make sweet potatoes a thing for the rest of the year. They’re trying to make sweet potato fries a standard at restaurants. Please, just stop this. Sweet potatoes and yams are for Thanksgiving. That is their purpose. And I have mixed feelings about putting marshmallows on sweet potatoes. Part of that concept reminds me of childhood, and another part of that concept fills me with contempt.

4. Mashed Potatoes with Gravy - I guess you can have mashed potatoes all year and it’s a standard side to any meal you get at a chicken fast food joint. But despite the fact that it’s a 365 type of thing, mashed potatoes (especially when doused with tons and tons of butter and gravy) become more magical for Thanksgiving dinner. They just do.

3. Green Bean Casserole - If there is any dish you should enjoy ONLY for Thanksgiving, it is this one. What kind of lunatic cooks up a green bean casserole in May? No. Unacceptable. You make green bean casserole on the fourth Thursday of November and no other day. Maybe I’ll give you a pass for Christmas… maybe.

2. Cranberry Sauce - This is delicious. I don’t care what anybody says. Making it is super easy. You buy the bag of cranberries from the store and it has the recipe on the side. Three ingredients - cranberries, water, sugar. Put it in a pot. Easy. It’s hard to believe that people can mess this up. And yet people are still so lazy that they just buy the can? And do you know what I have to say about you can people? Nothing bad at all. Because honestly, it’s pretty delicious out of the can too. I’m not kidding. This stuff is fantastic and should be enjoyed frequently through the Holiday season.

No, not this. But also yes. Sort of.

1. Stuffing (AKA Dressing) - Stuffing is the best. It’s AMAZING when made from scratch and tre is a recipe me and my wife make nearly every year that is incredible. But I suppose if you’re going to buy a box/bag of the Stove Top stuff… I’ll reluctantly accept your decision to eat croutons that have been soaked in sage-flavored chicken bouillon. At least have the decency to actually stick your Stove Top in the turkey itself though, rather than just microwaving it (as the side of the box provides instructions for, if you choose to live life as an animal beneath decent mankind).  Also… why the hell is this called “Dressing” by people? It’s just like how some people refer to mayonnaise as “salad dressing.”  There is a large portion of the U.S. population in flyover states that will just refer to every goddamn thing as “dressing.”  Ketchup? That’s tomato dressing.  Tater tots? Dressing. That wheel you use to steer your car? Steering wheel? Nope. Dressing.

Ed Ranks Stan Lee Cinematic Cameos

Well, here we go. RIP Stan Lee

34. Big Hero 6 (2014) - A rather unexpected animated cameo which reminds people, "Oh yeah, this is a Marvel property, huh?" It is, I guess. A cameo that's a bit forced.

33. Spider-Man 2 (2004) - Blink and you miss him. He looks at debris fall from the sky. Pretty much exactly the same as his original Spider-Man cameo, but less interesting and shorter.

32. Daredevil (2003) - This is simply an awful film, so I can't rank it that high. In a childhood flashback to lil' kid Daredevil, a bus passes by and after it's gone we can see Stan Lee reading a newspaper. By the time this one happened, Stan Lee cameos in Marvel films were now definitely "a thing." Still, at this stage they're just throwing him in the background and seeing if people notice. The full potential of the Stan Lee cameo hasn't been realized.

31. Iron Man 3 (2013) - On a TV set, Stan Lee gives an exited and horny perfect 10 to a lady in a beauty pageant. The weakest of the Iron Man franchise Stan Lee cameos.

30. X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) - After missing tons of the X-Men films after the "soft reboot" of the series brought forward by the new First Class/Days of Future Past timeline, Stan Lee returns (with his wife of 70 years, Joan) in a silent cameo as they watch missiles rise high in the sky to obliterate the Earth. 

29. Spider-Man (2002) - As the Green Goblin is blowing shit up in New York, Stan Lee pulls a little girl to safety to protect her from debris. Cool, I suppose. One of the early nod-and-wink-style cameos where he still never says anything.

28. X-Men (2000) - Stan Lee is in the background with a beach cart as Senator Kelly comes out of the water as a mutant. Stan is super noticeable, despite lacking any lines. Many credit this as being the "first" Stan Lee film cameo that set the stage for others. I mean, I guess... sort of. I'll still give credit to the Mallrats appearance as being what really kicked off this whole thing. It was better and more meaningful than this one though, and it predated this one by 5 years.  Although I'll give credit to where it is due - this is the first time a Marvel movie (aside from a 1980s Hulk TV movie, which is not counted in this list) where Stan Lee does a cameo. So it deserves some credit for setting the stage for what would come.

27. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) - After skipping X2: X-Men United, Lee returns for the final (and most awful) part of the original X-Men trilogy.  In the hideously de-aged scenes with younger versions of Professor X, Magneto and Jean Grey,  Jean shows off her powers by making cars float and fucking with Stan Lee as he tries to water with his garden hose. This one is sort of cute, but now Stan has reverted back to the silent cameo role after having (for a while) been given some speaking roles.

26.  The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) - During a graduation ceremony when Peter Parker's name is called, audience member Stan Lee shouts, "I think I know that guy!"

25. The Incredible Hulk (2008) - Stan Lee cameos as a random man who drinks the Brazilian soda tainted with Bruce Banner's blood. Although it's a short cameo, it's actually pretty relevant to the plot - as it helps Thunderbolt Ross track down Bruce.

24. Doctor Strange (2016) - Stan Lee laughs on a bus while reading Aldous Huxley's The Doors of Perception, once again oblivious to a superhero fight happening just inches away (and Dr. Strange getting his face smashed into Stan's window). Still, this joke had been used before in The Amazing Spider-Man (see below).  So, although funny, it still lacked a little in originality. Although the CG here was much better.

23.  Iron Man (2008) - The Marvel Cinematic Universe begins FOR REALS NOW!!! And what better way to kick it off than to have Stan Lee play Hugh Hefner (with velvet jacket and pipe). It was freaking awesome. I mean technically he could also be playing someone mistakenly identified by Tony Stark as Hugh Hefner. But I think it's just better if he's actually Hef. The Iron Man 2 cameo two years later helps to solidify that theory in my head, and he plays another real-world person there.

22. Iron Man 2 (2010) - Stan Lee cameos again playing someone other than Stan Lee. This time, he's got on the suspenders and is supposed to be Larry King. These Iron Man Stan Lee cameos are GREAT and finally the turning point where Stan Lee cameos switch from being "hey, check that guy out in the background, it's Stan Lee!" to genuinely funny moments.

21. Fantastic Four (2005) - Another early speaking role for Stan! Lee is a mailman who gives Dr. Richards some mail.  Totally random nobody character? Not quite! The mailman is actually Willie Lumpkin, an actual character from the comics. Yeah, mailmen used to be important enough to get comic characters dedicated to them.

20. The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) - Rebooting the Spider-Man franchise after emo Spider-Man 3 didn't stop Stan from doing cameos.  This one features a pretty funny scene with Stan as a librarian listening to music while being oblivious to Spider-Man getting into a huge fight behind him and wrecking everything.

19. Black Panther (2018) - When T'Challa and crew show up at a Busan casino to track down Ulysses Klaue, a high roller gambler (Stan Lee) promises to watch the money. Of course you know Stan is going to run off with that shit!

18. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - They announce Captain America is coming out on stage to do more of that showman nonsense (rather than using him as a real soldier), and the Cap has finally had enough of that and no-shows, as he's off to punch Hitler in the face FOR REALS. When a short man comes out to announce that the Cap ain't coming, Stan Lee (playing a general in the audience) says, "I thought he'd be taller."

17. Ant-Man (2016) - Stan Lee is a bartender, narrated by Michael Peña, who calls a lady "Crazy Stupid Fine."

16. The Avengers (2012) - Stan Lee is an old man playing chess and interviewed by the news. He doesn't seem to believe that Super Heroes in New York is a thing. Oh, you!

15. Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - Stan Lee is Peter Parker's bus driver when a spaceship appears over New York, promising destruction and death. As all the kids freak out, Stan Lee nonchalantly is like, "Haven't you kids ever seen a spaceship before?"  Ah, it's a great sentiment by this time in the Marvel Universe... because... yeah... this has happened a million times by now, hasn't it? He's a lot less skeptical than he was in 2012.

14. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) - As Spider-Man accidentally assaults a thief who's not really a thief, Stan Lee (named "Gary") watches from outside a window and shouts, "Don't make me come down there, you young punk!"  A lady in a window across the way notices Stan/Gary, and the two then start old people flirting.

13. Thor (2011) - Stan Lee is a truck diver whose truck is totally wrecked when he tries to use it to pull away Mjolnir. Good stuff!

12. Thor: The Dark World (2013) - Stan Lee is a patient in a mental ward with the now batshit crazy Dr. Selvig. Stan just wants his damn shoe back!!!

11. Hulk (2003) - This is a pretty awesome cameo because it's a double cameo. First off all, it's the first time in a comic book movie where Stan Lee actually gets some lines (points for that!).  He's a security guard walking out of a building and talking about how security needs to be beefed up. Who is he talking to? Another security guard, played by TV Hulk, Lou Ferrigno! Niiiiice. Perhaps the only good thing about this movie (other than getting to see Jennifer Connelly's hot self).

10. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) - At Susan and Reed's wedding, Stan Lee is rejected as a guest. His name? Stan Lee. This is cute and funny, I suppose. But within the continuity... I don't get this. The bouncer who kicks him out acts as if Stan Lee is a super famous guy and doesn't believe that Stan Lee is Stan Lee. But who exactly is Stan Lee within this cinematic continuity?

9. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) - This one was absolute fan service and a meta-joke. People were jokingly looking for an in-universe explanation for how Stan Lee keeps appearing in different films and playing different roles. A popular fan theory was that Stan was actually just one guy - a Watcher (a race of extraterrestrials who watch over the time and space)... specifically, Uatu the Watcher. In a post-credits scene, Stan Lee appears in space with a bunch of Watchers and directly references his roles in other films (e.g. being a FedEx guy), thus confirming the fan theory.

8. Deadpool (2016) - Stan Lee is the DJ an announcer at a strip club. Totally jarring and unexpected place for a Stan Lee cameo, and that's why it's so great!
7. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - As Thor is trying to point out how manly his Asgardian hooch is (not made for mortal man), Stan Lee is an old WW2 vet who calls out his BS and demands some of that sweet, sweet alcohol. Cut to later, and the drunk old man is mumbling "Excelsior!" FINALLY! AN EXCELSIOR REFERENCE!!!!

6. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - As Rocket Racoon is using his scanner to scout out people in the crowd on Xandar, he spots (and makes fun of) a dirty old man (Stan Lee) chatting up a young lady. Absolutely hilarious for Rocket's amazing narration. WHERE'S YOUR WIFE, OLD MAN?! This is funny enough to be the highest ranking cameo where Stan himself has no dialogue.

5. Thor: Ragnarok (2017) - In this amazingly hilarious movie, Stan has an amazingly hilarious cameo as the shaky-handed guy who cuts Thor's hair. Thor defiantly tells him not to cut his hair, before backing down and begging.

4. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - Stan Lee is back to being a security guard again. This time at the Smithsonian, where the old Captain America uniform was on exhibit. Only now it's been stolen so the Cap can go out and kick butt, old school style. Stan knows that the missing uniform means that he is "so fired." Way to ruin this old man's life, Cap!

3. Spider-Man 3 (2007) - As Peter Parker sees that Spider-Man is to receive the key to the city, random man on the street (Stan Lee) reminds Peter that one man can make a difference. D'awwwwww. *tears up*

2. Captain America: Civil War (2016) - Stan is a FedEx delivery man who calls Tony Stark "Tony Stank," and Rhodie is absolutely in love with it.  This is another FANTASTIC Stan Lee cameo, and one of the best!

1. Mallrats (1995) - Brodie (Jason Lee) meets Stan Lee at the mall and is given sage relationship advice.  This was really the first Stan Lee film cameo that made Stan Lee film cameos a thing. Mallrats was a low-budget film by a then-nobody named Kevin Smith. It was a film by a comic book nerd and for comic book nerds and Stan Lee's appearance was weird, fantastic, ludicrous, ham-handed, and completely appropriate. This was a great cameo!

Ed Ranks Food Network Celebrities

Something to watch...
while waiting for the inevitable grasp of death.

Here they are. Your top 15 Food Network Celebrities. You might think some people are missing. Well, here is the reason those people are missing:

1. They are a nobody. Sorry people, Ree Drummond and these other obscure nobodies are not famous. They just exist and have shows.
2. They are one of a million Iron Chef or other food competition show people, so meh.  Sure, Bobby Flay got famous enough to get his own shows and be a celebrity in his own right... so he'll make the list. But the Food Network has pumped out dozens of Michael Symons, Cat Coras, etc. I guess some of the winners who went on became moderately famous and sometimes maybe even got their own shows. But I don't have time for all that nonsense. They're off. 
3. They were already pretty famous before Food Network.  Wolfgang Puck was super famous way before Food Network became a thing. So he's not really a Food Network celebrity. Masaharu Morimoto was already famous from the original Japanese Iron Chef, so it's not like he needed the Food Network to put him over either.
4. Anthony Bourdain is not a Food Network celebrity, people. Sure, he had A Cook's Tour on the network waaaay back in the day - but our buddy Bourdain (RIP) got famous from the Travel Channel.  Besides, if I put him on the list he'd be #1 by default so it wouldn't be fair.

15. Robert Irvine - Gordan Ramsay sucks, so you can imagine how much this fake Gordon Ramsay sucks. He also lied about his resume and stuff.


14. Mario Batali - Used to be cool until we learned he played grab-ass with the ladies. Now we all know he's just an asshole. Oh well.  Will it stop me from making his recipes from their website? Not necessarily.

Pictured: Paula Deen lighting up some wood for a BBQ.

13. Paula Deen - Is she a racist? Yes. Is she a hypocrite for promoting foods with forty pounds of butter while simultaneously not revealing her own medical diagnoses as having diabetes and shit? No, not really. Come on, that's crazy talk. Just look at this woman. How was she "hiding" the fact that she had diabetes? She's a fat southern woman that throws butter in anything. Just watch two minutes of her show and you're like, "Oh, this bitch probably has diabeetus." But she ranks low for being a racist, for sure. Will it stop me from making her recipes from the Food Network website? HELL NO. This bitch has some amazing recipes [stolen from black folk].

12. Ina Garten - A lot of people like the Barefoot Contessa. I do not. Why? Maybe it's the whole "fuck kids with leukemia" thing.  Yep. I hope I've totally ruined Ina Garten for you if you didn't already know about that.

11. Guy Fieri - I mean making fun of Guy Fieri is sort of like beating a dead horse. I don't want to pile on. Everyone knows this guy is totally ludicrous. Someone decided it would be a good idea to give the lead singer of Smashmouth a food show and to allow him to open up restauants where he names common, basic things that already exist like aoili into "poppin hot whammo slap-yo-mamma jizz sauce YEAAAAHHHHHH."  The unfortunate thing that gets lost in all this is that the places he goes to in his show are mostly actually kind of awesome, old school places that deserve to be shown and which the average American can actually afford to go to.

10. Bobby Flay - Bobby Flay is pretty annoying too, plus he cheated on that chick from Law & Order: SVU. But he's less annoying than Guy Fieri, that's for sure. Plus his recipes are usually pretty solid. Although he puts corn in everything, which I suppose is the very definition of being a "southwestern-style" chef.  Want to be a southwestern-style chef? Take a recipe. Add corn. And you're done.

9. Duff Goldman - Who is this again? Oh right. The cake guy. I guess the cake guy is okay. I have no strong feelings about him one way or the other. And his show was the original "I design crazy cakes" show to get huge, which was then followed by a thousand other cake shows. Why did we need so many damn cake shows? 

8. Tyler Florence - Tyler Florence looks like a frat bro, honestly. But I have nothing negative to say about him. His shows are all watchable, even though I associate him more now with being a sort of "host" for competition shows rather than doing any cooking himself. 

7. Emeril Lagasse - This dude was a victim of his own success. Before Emeril, TV chefs were really more low-key Julia Childs-types who appeared on PBS. The shows were straightforward shows about learning to cook. Then Emeril added a big personality (with all those damn catchphrases) and got so huge that networks started throwing TV shows at him about his life. He became over-exposed and it all came crashing down. Still though, who doesn't like Cajun food? Morons, that's who. New Orleans is the best. Plus he gave us that character on Furtuama. 

2003 was a different era.

6. Rachael Ray -  A lot of people are really annoyed by her for some reason. I dunno. She seems okay to me. Maybe I'm just still thinking about that old FHM photo-shoot or something. Or how she puts on that wholesome, Oprah-style image but then stories come out about her and her husband being swingers or in an open relationship. You're a dirty girl, Rachael!


5. Jamie Oliver - I was honestly expected something a lot different when I heard there would be a show called "The Naked Chef," but I guess Jaime Oliver is okay. I inherently trust anyone with a british accent. Speaking of which...

4. Nigella Lawson - This is actual food porn. Her show should honestly be on Cinemax or something. It's 30 minutes of a buxom brunette, generally with her cleavage portrayed prominently, speaking in that hot, hot accent while making food. 

3. Giada De Laurentiis - Basically the lady version of Mario Batali in that she's an Italian chef, but she has the up side of not being a horrible human being.  She's pretty much on every single Food Network TV show, isn't she? I feel like if they need someone to host something or run a new show, she's an easy go-to. Also her grandfather is Dino De Laurentiis, whose production company distributed The Transformers: The Movie. That's got to be worth something, right?

2.  Sandra Lee - The concept of Sandra Lee's show is that you can easily make more healthy meals at home using fewer and prepackaged ingredients. While it's not as healthy and amazing as making everything from scratch - it's a pretty honest theme that reflects a busy, modern society where we can't stay at home all day to freshly bake a meal from scratch. And honestly, the "semi-homemade" meal is much more healthy than a totally pre-made meal or going out to eat. So Sandra's concept is solid. But what seals the deal on this show is that Sandra Lee is a raging fucking alcoholic who generally always pours a ton of alcohol into everything she makes. This escalates her from "Oh, good concept for a show" to "Awesome."

NERD. But also #1.

1. Alton Brown - This fucking nerd is the best. Personality-wise, he's seemingly the opposite of those outgoing, in-your-face celebrity chefs. He wants to be a technical nerd and talk about chemistry and the minutia of the cooking experience. Good Eats is an awesome show and still infinitely watchable in repeats. But you can't escape Alton elsewhere, as you'll also see him on Iron Chef America, Cutthroat Kitchen, Feasting on Asphalt, Next Food Network Star, Chopped, etc.  You cannot escape the vortex of power and authority that is Alton Brown.

Ed Ranks Electric Guitars

Electric guitars are cool. So how about I rank them, huh?  Note that I'm no technical expert on guitars, nor how to play them. So I'm pretty much basing my rankings on by how cool they look. So if you come at with me with some shit like, "No way that ranking sucks because the humbuckers on that guitar are inferior to BLAH BLAH" I will not care.

I'm not putting images for them all. So, you know, just Google most of them.

Last Place: Any Hideous Multi-Necked Guitar

More necks still won't get you un-fired from Metallica, Dave.

No. Never. These are gimmicky trash. I know a lot of famous and very talented guitarists have played them. Jimmy Page? Some probably think he's the greatest of all time... but I want to set that hideous double-necked GS of his on fire. You don’t need to use a double-necked guitar in the studio, because you can record on different guitars at different times. And you don’t need to use one in a live concert because if you need to switch between lead and 12-string (or bass, or whatever your mix is)… then get another guitarist to play the other guitar. There are so many struggling artists out there who need a gig. Help a brother or sister out by letting them play those parts. Don’t be that guitar hog who does everything yourself. If you have a song that requires multiple types of guitars to be used during a performance… have… multiple… guitarists.

12. B.C. Rich Mockingbird

This guitar really wants to look cool, but is in fact very ugly. The Wikipedia page for it shows a picture of Slash playing it, but that's just a ploy. Slash would never play that thing. It is not cool. Must be Photoshop or something.

11. Ibanez Iceman

Speaking of ugly fucking guitars, just what the hell is going on with the fishhook/penis on this thing? Sorry Paul Stanley, your guitar is retched and KISS is lowest common denominator in all of rock music.

10. Gibson Firebird

I guess you could play this guitar if you're in a jazz band. But nobody learns to play the electric guitar so they can be in a jazz band. You wanna be a rock star, don't you? Nobody will ever become a rock star playing this thing. It looks like a Gibson Explorer that's been smoothed down to have no offending, jagged edges. This is the Ford Edsel of guitars.

9. Gibson SG

It looks like the devil. A bit too on the nose, huh?

I think I read somewhere once that the SG is Gibson’s top-selling model, and I cannot understand why. Yeah, yeah, I know Angus Young plays it. Those pointy horns though. They are ugly. Don't try to tell me they are not. And this thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too symmetrical. I don’t like it. Too symmetrical and too pointed. If there is a cutaway on the top (as there is for many electric guitars), the horns and cutaways on the top and bottom need to look different, in my opinion. When the top half and bottom half are identical... I dunno... it looks dumb. Or like it's some cheap-o guitar made so it can more easily swap between righties and lefties. I’m sorry, people who bought this. This is ugly. Which means I'm sorry to almost everyone, since it’s apparently one of the best selling guitars. I don’t get it.

8. [Charvel?] Star

Up until just writing this I thought Jackson Guitars were the first to commercially release the star-shaped guitar, so I was going to call this "Jackson Star." But now after a tiny bit o research, it looks like it was Charvel. Whatever. Lots of companies make versions of basically this same shape - pretty much the result of a Gibson Explorer and Flying V having sex with one another. Apparently Eddie Van Halen's shark guitar was the inspiration for these. Does it look cool? Yeah, sure. Stars are cool-looking. Good work on this one, Eddie Van Halen. Looks like you might know a thing or two about guitars.  By the way, "Charvel Star" sounds like it would be a great stripper/pornstar name if it hasn't been taken yet.

7. B.C. Rich Warlock

You know what? As opposed to the Mockingbird, I'm going to say the Warlock actually looks kinda cool. I like the jagged shape. I think it’s an attractive, interesting, aggressive-looking guitar. I think if you want some devil-ey looking guitar, you should go with this instead of that dumb, symmetrical GS with its lame devil horns. The only problem with the Warlock is that it’s probably too associated with hair metal. Could someone in a rock or metal band today play it and look badass? Maybe. But in the back of my head, I’d still be thinking about Lita Ford gyrating against it.

6. Fender Telecaster

Pick Guard with Straight Line = Nonsense

The Telecaster is the boring, white-bread cousin of the awesome Stratocaster. The Telecaster is simply less sexy looking. It also has a hideous pick guard. I mean just look at that pick guard. That straight line really bothers me. I guess this thing would be fine to go with if you have no pick guard or with a custom pick guard that looks different. But not this. Well, now you know my two guitar pet peeves - being too symmetrical (the Telecaster is fine in this regard because it doesn't really have a top cutaway) and having an ugly pick guard (the Telecaster is an unrelenting, monstrous war criminal in this regard).  Despite the boringness and the pick guard, it is... well... a classic.

5. Gibson Flying V

It’s super metal. You can definitely be a rock star playing this. I always visualize Jimmy Hendrix playing it between his legs. Really it looks a lot like an airplane with two wings (hence the flying), so you're probably going to want to buy a gray one, slap a Decepticon sticker on it, and name it "Starscream." Do I have a problem with it though? Yes! Too symmetrical! I think the two "wings" on the V should be different sizes. So really, you shouldn't get a traditional Flying V. Maybe... like... an ESP Arrow or something like that? I dunno. One of those copycat guitars that almost looks like a Flying V, but isn't quite. Just don't get one that looks too much like the Star Trek insignia like Gibson's "Modern Flying V", because then that would be weird.

4. Gibson ES-335

Something else Chuck Berry and Chris Cornell have in common.

Solid-bodied guitars are the go-to guitars of modern rock and metal because, well, hollow-bodies are designed to naturally create amplification without electric power. The natural amplification plus electric guitar pickup amplification sometimes leads to distortion and feedback in a bad (rather than good) way. Some describe the sound as "sludgier." Thus, hollow bodies and semi-hollow bodies (as the ES-335 is) aren't really all that common in rock these days (and this is the only non solid-body on my ranks). And it also has another problem. Look how symmetrical the top and bottom are! Ugh! Same top and bottom cutaway! Well... you know what? This time that doesn't matter. I mean just look at this thing! This is the most guitar-ey looking guitar that has ever existed. And I'm pretty sure that if you buy one of these in a deep, cherry red wood stain, and play it... you will AUTOMATICALLY TRANSFORM INTO CHUCK BERRY AND GAIN HIS POWERS. Also, this guitar is really cool because who doesn't like saying the words, "Electric Spanish" together?

Slash being Slash.

3. Gibson Les Paul


If any guitar is in the running for the greatest electric guitar of all time, it’s probably the Les Paul. But this is Ed Ranks Everything, and Les Pauls aren't really "me." Why not? Well, if the Les Paul has one fatal error, it's that it doesn't have a whammy bar. Boooooo! That's no fun at all. Whammy bars are THE BEST! Don't get me wrong, it is really awesome, so I'll put it at #3. It has a classic, blues-ey look pointing at the roots of rock while still somehow also feeling metal. They're especially metal looking in a solid color. The woodgrain ones are more famous and classic... but don't even try to pull that shit off unless your name is "Slash." In fact, I'm not even sure why this guitar is still named a "Les Paul." Let's be honest here, Slash took ownership over this guitar ages ago. Nobody remembers who the fuck Les Paul is anyway, so let's just rename this the Gibson Slash and be done with the pretense. Also, in contrast to the Telecaster... look at this pick guard! HOLY SHIT, WHAT AN ATTRACTIVE PICK GUARD! Triangular but with nice, rounded edges? This is probably the best pick guard that exists. Good work, Slash. Uhh, I mean... Les Paul.
2. Gibson Explorer

The explorer is as metal as metal can be. It’s cool… and again… asymmetrical, rather than symmetrical. Which I really dig. That angle. That's what makes it better than a Flying V. James Hetfield is, I gotta think, the ultimate Explorer player and the person most associated with them, right? But be warned, people... this guitar only looks cool in a solid, glossy color like black or red. I’ve seen stained woodgrain ones and I do not feel those at all. Anyone who gets a "natural"  woodgrain Gibson Explorer is a fool. Nobody gives a shit that your guitar's body is a fine, solid mahogany. Paint that shit jet black and... uhh... slap a Decepticon sticker on it and name it Skywarp. Really, all guitars should be named after Decepticon seeker jets. Except Dirge. Dirge is lame.

Winner.

1. Fender Stratocaster

The Stratocaster is the guitar of all guitars. It's classic and yet still very much modern. See that pick guard? Nice looking! See those top and bottom horns and cutaways? They are nicely asymmetrical as any decent, God-fearing guitar should be!  Everyone plays the Stratocaster and everyone always will play the Stratocaster because it is THE electric guitar. And now... a very special note on "Super Strats!" I'm just going to include them as a subset of Stratocasters. It's a nebulous term because it refers to all sorts of custom almost Stratocaster lookin' guitars from different companies and in different exact shapes (typically with somewhat pointier horns than the traditional Strat). Once again, Eddie Van Halen is the likely person to blame given that his "Frankenstrat" gave rise to Super Strats. Given that the variations on Super Strats are near endless, it would be hard to say what variety looks the best. Honestly, I think the classic Strat with is less pointy horns is the best.

Ed Ranks Colonel Sanderses

He looks like this. Or often, not.

So first thing is first - Col. Harland Sanders was an actual, real person... in case you’re a youngin’ who didn’t know. He died in 1980. I’m not going to rank him on this list, because ranking the ACTUAL Col. Sanders on a list of people pretending to be Col. Sanders is sort of weird. So this will just be a ranking of those people who have played him so far since SNL alum Darrell Hammond brought him back. Also, I’m not going to rank that creepy, undead CGI version from a few years ago. Man, those CGE people are freaky. Like Peter Cushing in Rogue One. Yikes.

Also, I'm not ranking George Wyner's character from Spaceballs (Colonel Sandurz). Although I was half tempted to, and to rank him #1.

14. Dolph Ziggler - This is a wrestler who apparently played him in commercials. I never saw a single commercial with him in it. I suppose maybe they only played during wrestling shows because otherwise nobody in the world would have a clue who he was. I certainly don’t.

13. Vincent Kartheiser - You might know this guy from Angel or Mad Men.  He played a young, heartthrob version of the Colonel from the 1950’s. I vaguely recall seeing these commercials once or twice, but neither he nor the commercials he was in were even remotely memorable. He’s also not even a recognizable enough face under the outfit for people to be like, “oh yeah, that guy.”

12. Reba McEntire - Look, I fully support there being a woman as Doctor Who now. I believe fictional characters can be rebooted and re-interpreted in new ways. Real life people though? Hey, I do get that KFC is increasingly getting more and more ludicrous with their Colonels. So I understand the joke they’re going with here. Sure, I guess the concept is a little funny. And I support them making this sort of move. Still though… Reba McEntire? No thanks.

11. Rob Riggle - Rob Riggle can only play one character - Rob Riggle. So it should be no surprise that the Rob Riggle version of the Colonel seems like a screaming, douchebag high school jock who grew up to become a screaming douchebag whatever (e.g. cop, gym teacher, chicken spokesman) who only ever talks about his glory days in high school.

Yep, that Billy Zane.

10. Billy Zane - Billy Zane could have raked higher as the cool, laid back “Golden Colonel” had he been a little more recognizable. I really had to look up who this Colonel was when the commercials came out because I couldn't tell under all the makeup. When I learned it was Billy Zane I laughed and thought that was funny… but still… if he had been a little more recognizable, the joke would have been funnier.

9. George Hamilton - The whole joke behind the “Extra Crispy Colonel” is how George Hamilton has a really good, dark tan. Which I guess is sort of funny. But also, the whole “Wow, George Hamilton has a great tan!” ad campaign was probably more relevant 20-30 years ago when people knew or cared who George Hamilton is.

8. Darrell Hammond - So if any ranking is going to be controversial, it will be this one. By all accounts, Darrell Hammond’s impression is the best one. Technically it was the most accurate. Darrell Hammond is a professional impressionist and it certainly looks like he spent a lot of time mastering the impression. He was also the first one in the replacement Colonel ad campaign. So he deserves some credit. But honestly… when it was just him, it was less funny. Because it was like “Oh, KFC wants to have commercials with Colonel Sanders again but he’s dead… so they just brought in a guy really good at impressions to do him.” It was less of a send-up and more of a real attempt to “be” the Colonel. When KFC started to become self-referential and broke the 4th wall with their Colonels… that’s when the ad campaign really became memorable.

7. Rob Lowe - When doing some research into this list to make sure I didn’t “miss” any Colonels that I hd forgotten about, I ran into one website which had itself “ranked” the Colonels. I try to never read such alternative rankings, so that they don’t bias my own. However, I did see enough of this ranking to see that they ranked Rob Lowe dead last, criticizing him by noting that he made no attempt to even do a Col. Sanders voice or get into the character. Talk about missing the joke. THAT’S THE JOKE. By this time, I’m sure there were already over half a dozen people who played the Colonel, with increasing levels of fame. Everyone knew the people who played the Colonel weren’t the Colonel. Rob Lowe is super famous and recognizable and just acted like Rob Lowe’s own smarmy self. No attempt at some sort of Kentucky accent? YES! That was great!

6. Ray Liotta - Ray Liotta’s Colonel was sort of ludicrous in that he seemed to have some sort of crazy double personality. Also, his commercial opens up with a clear Goodfellas reference, which is a good thing. By this time, the KFC commercials were going full steam winking at the audience with a, “Hey, you know what we’re doing here. Just go along with it!”

5. Christopher Boyer (Value Colonel) - Even funnier than getting increasingly bigger and more famous celebrities to play the Colonel was when KFC specifically pointed out that they were getting increasingly bigger and more famous celebrities to play the Colonel, and instead hired a relatively unknown comedian to play the “Value Colonel.” The joke was that he was advertising their value menu and thus was a cheaper actor for the cheap deals. THIS JOKE IS FUNNY.  The only issue with this commercial? They had a cameo from Wayne (Newman) Knight in it, with the implication that Wayne Knight would have been a big celebrity instead of a value celebrity. Eh. Not really. Had they had another one of their big name celebrities cameo here, it would have been better.

4. Norm Macdonald - Norm Macdonald was the first Colonel to replace Darrell Hammond, so in one sense he was in a tough spot. In another sense, it was perfect. By showing up and clearly being Norm Macdonald, KFC finally began to be part of the joke with the audience that, “Hey! This isn’t the real Colonel.” Macdonald’s very self aware version of the Colonel where he insisted that he was the “real” one and Darrell or any others were fake was great. And while Norm Macdonald sort of put on an accident, he was still 80% Norm Macdonald and 20% impression of Col. Sanders. And that’s the exact ratio he should have gone for.

3. Jim Gaffigan - Bringing in Jim Gaffigan to play the Colonel was brilliant. The fact that he looks absolutely nothing like the Colonel, even under all the makeup, etc., is great.  He was clearly just comedian Jim Gaffigan who, like Norm Macdonald, was only minimally putting any effort towards doing an impression.  He was also perfect because his whole comedy shtick is, if anything, known for him being a chubby slob who eats terrible fast food. He even had a routine about KFC food being a bowl of slop. And yet KFC hires him. It was kind of awesome. Even if he brings no authenticity as the actual Harland Sanders, he brings authenticity as an expert on what fast food you should consume.

2. Jason Alexander - Jason Alexander is George Costanza. Jason Alexander will always be George Costanza. Some people might let such typecasting get to them or wear them down. They might resent it. Jason Alexander has tried to escape that and go other characters and hasn’t achieved success. And maybe he does resent it a little. But not enough to just accept his fate and play Col. Sanders as George Costanza.  Because that’s what he’s doing. Not only is there ZERO effort to properly pretend to be the Colonel (like Rob Lowe), but he’s actually just doing the character he’s already famous for. And it’s a great character. Jason Alexander as George Costanza as Col. Sanders is amazing. 

Yep, what I think of when I think of Col. Sanders.

1. Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson - As with Jason Alexander and Rob Lowe, the joke here is again that KFC is making no effort to get their celebrity to even bother to pretend in the least bit to remotely resemble the actual Colonel. But with Bjornsson, they dialed it up to 11 by hiring THE MOUNTAIN THAT RIDES. Gregor Clegane is the 2018 World’s Strongest Man. He can deadlift 1,041 lbs. He’s nearly 7 feet tall and weighs over 400 lbs. He’s Icelandic and makes zero attempt to speak in anything other than his Icelandic accent, with a similarly very minimalist attempt to don a Colonel costume.  The KFC campaign is still going on, so surely new additional Colonels will be added to the list.  But I don’t see how the joke is going to ever get any better than this.

Ed Ranks the Top 5 Legends of Samhain

Avert thine eyes, noble Christians!

Hey, it’s November 1. All Saints Day! The Day of the Dead! The Day of the Innocents! A lot of other Christian things that are stolen from pre-Christian pagan holidays. One of those pagan holidays is Samhain.  It’s not the only one, since a “fall festival” was common all throughout a number of cultures.  But if you look at some of the modern traditions and legends around Halloween, the Day of the Dead, etc. – it’s pretty clear Samhain was one of the biggest influences.

The basic story of Samhain? Well, it’s a Gaelic festival from Ireland marking the end of the harvest season and the beginning of winter and the "dark half" of the year. That darkness unsurprisingly became focused on things like death, including the fact that it was a day when the “doorways to the Otherworld” opened, allowing supernatural beings and the souls of the dead to come into our world. OoOoOoo. 

Here are the top five legends associated with Samhain, taken from Irish Mythology. Why not more than five? Eh. This is quite enough.

5. Kings Be Dying Like Crazy 

Halloween must have seemed like a good day to abdicate the throne in ancient Celtic times, because HOLY SHIT it was not good to still be a Celtic king on November 1.  According to a number of legends, Samhain brought forward some pretty unavoidable monarch death.

• In one story, King Conaire Mór apparently broke too many vows and saw red riders foretelling of his death. After fighting off hordes of enemies while trapped in a hostel, he’s eventually cursed with an unquenchable thirst and one of his protectors has to go out and find him water. By the time the protector comes back, he finds his king in the process of being beheaded. Of course, this was on Samhain.
• Next up! The two legendary kings Diarmait mac Cerbaill and Muirchertach mac Ercae are both also told prophesies of how they will die and try to avoid them. That doesn’t work at all (as you pretty much can guess from any mythological tale about avoiding prophecy), and both are viciously wounded, set on fire, and drowned on Samhain. Because just one form of killing isn't enough.
• In yet another “adios, king” tale, King Crimthann mac Fidaig of Munster is poisoned on Samhain by his own sister, Mongfind, who wants her own children to rule. Her plan wasn’t that well thought-out though and Crimthann must have least suspected something because he told her to drink the drink with him to prove it wasn’t poisoned. But I guess Mongfind was committed to the plan by then and drank it with him, so they both died. Now that’s dedication to your children!
• But hey, at least this is just legend – right? Maybe not. Some scholars argue that the Irish bog bodies (mummified remains found in peat bogs) might in fact be the corpses of kings who were ritualistically sacrifice on… yep… Samhain. HEY, and speaking of sacrifice...

4. Lots and Lots of Human Sacrifice

According to another legend, every year on Samhain the people of Nemed (Nemed isn’t a town, it’s a guy. So the people of Nemed are just his clan, I suppose) had to give 2/3 of their children to a bunch of monstrous creatures named the "Fomorians" (usually depicted as giants or sea raiders). They were essentially death gods who represented destruction, chaos, darkness, blight, and drought. You know. Fun stuff! Oh, and the people also had to give up 2/3 of their grain and milk to the Fomorians as well.  Which, after giving up 2/3 of your children just seems like some dickish and petty rubbing of salt in the wound. Mathematically if EVERY YEAR you give up 2/3 of your children, your population is going to decrease substantially and the Nemedians will go extinct. This doesn’t seem like a very sustainable plan from the side of the Fomorians. Maybe 1/3 every eight years or so? Let’s not be greedy, Fomorians. But that’s not the only sacrifice tale. According to another story on Samhain, the first-born children would be sacrificed at a stone idol in Magh Slécht to the death/fertility god Crom Cruach. Yeah, they had a lot of death gods. And it’s odd that a death god would also be a fertility god. Those seem sort of opposite.

3. Three Lady Werewolves Emerge to Kill Sheep

Oh great. "Sexy Werewolf" costumes.

According to a story translated roughly as the “Colloquy of the Ancients” (band name?), on every Samhain three female werewolves would rise up from the the prehistoric graves near Cruachan (one of the Otherworldly portals that could be used on Samhain). What did these lady werewolves do? Well, they were really digging the “wolf” half of their personality, so they mainly just went roaming the Irish countryside to kill and eat all the precious, valuable livestock. And this would just not do! So, in response to this, a hero named Caílte mac Rónáin decided he had enough of this sheep murder and recruited fellow hero Cas Corach to take out the were-ladies. Fortunately, Cas had a magical harp that could transform the werewolves into regular humans. This seems like a pretty specific and useful power for a harp to have, given the present werewolf lady epidemic. Caílte mac Rónáin then promptly murdered the transformed ladies with a spear. Yep. That's what he did. Why couldn’t he spear them when they were in werewolf form? I’m not sure. Why couldn't he just reason with them after they had been transformed from werewolves into normal people? I'm also not sure. ALSO... why couldn’t he just reason with the werewolves when they WERE werewolves? That might sound silly to you, but another power/skill of Caílte’s according to the mythology was that he apparently had the ability to talk to animals. None of this makes any damn sense.

2. A Stupid Drinking Game with Corpses Takes a Horrifying & Prophetic Twist

One Samhain night while everyone was drinking and celebrating their fall festival, King Ailill mac Máta of Connachta decided to dare his warriors to tie a wicker bracelet around the ankle of the corpse of a condemned man who was hanged from a nearby tree. Everyone was really scared to do this because it was Samhain, and everyone knew that the dead had power on that night. But someone named Nera, who was suitably drunk enough to think this was a good idea, took King Ailill up on the dare and went to do that. Of course the corpse came to life and it was freaky. But the corpse was like, “Hey man. I’m sort of thirsty. You got some water?” Nera was like, “Sure dead bro. Let me carry you on my back and take you over to this house. I bet they got some water.” But as he walked towards the house, it sprang up into flames. He tried another house, which was then flooded by water. Yeah. This is getting a little like Three Little Pigs, huh? The third house we was able to get into, but when the dead guy drank some water, he spat it out and that spit killed the homeowners. Yikes. Having helped the zombie, Nera quietly walked away from the dead homeowners and took the corpse back towards the tree by the Connachta royal residences. But when he got back he saw that... WHOOPS... While he was gone, everyone had been brutally murdered and beheaded by evil elf/fairies named the Aos Sí (AKA “aes sídhe,” AKA “sìth”… yep, that’s right, sìth), and the whole town was set on fire. When investigating what happened, Nera runs into a sídhe lady (I guess she's a turncoat) who informs him that everything he saw was just a vision of one year in the future. Nera then realizes that no time at all has passed at all and that he’s still back at the hanging corpse before any of this crazy shit happened. He now has time to warn everyone and save the day! So… happy ending? 

1. Aillen the Fire Demon Burns down Tara Every Year

Finn MacCool and his Asbestos shield.

So for 23 straight years on the day of Samhain, this supernatural being named Aillen (AKA “The Burner”) came to Tara, the seat of the High Kings of Ireland. Using his magical harp (yessir, ANOTHER magical harp), he would play music that lulled everyone, including the king, to sleep. Then when everyone was asleep he would BURN THE ENTIRE TOWN TO THE GROUND. Wow. Brutal. Every year. For 23 years. You'd think that maybe after year six years or something they'd be like, "You know what? Let's NOT rebuild Tara. Let's move somewhere that there is no fire demon who destroys the city." Nope. That never happened. Although in their defense I guess stupid Florida people who live in the Hurricane path essentially do the same dumb shit to this day. Anyway, I digress.... back to the story! The king and his warriors, known as the “Fenians,” could do nothing to stop Aillen. What with the sleep magic and all. Earplugs had not been invented. Finally a dude named Fionn mac Cumhaill (Anglicized as the totally awesome name “Finn MacCool”) showed up with a magical, burning spear and resisted the lulling, sleepy sounds of the harp by constantly burning his own forehead with the scalding spear to keep himself awake. He then killed Aillen with the same spear.  All this was pretty cool (you might even say... MacCool), and something Finn totally shouldn’t have even bothered doing given that the leader of the Fenians was a guy named "Goll mac Morna" who had previously MURDERD HIS FATHER to take control of the Fenians.  But after Finn MacCool did his big “killing the burning demon” trick, Goll was like, “Uh, okay. Sorry about killing your dad. Want to be the new leader?” So… happy ending?