Ed Ranks DEEZ NUTZ

My discussion of pecan pie for Thanksgiving a week ago inspired me. So… nuts it is. And just to clarify I am talking about culinary nuts and not necissarily true “botanical” nuts. I am well aware that pine nuts are seeds and peanuts are legumes and technically a bean.  You know what I’m talking about. 

Unranked - Chestnuts. 

These are hideous and never should be consumed in any circumstance, roasting on an open fire or not. 

10. Walnuts

Walnuts look so much like pecans that you might think they taste similar. They do not. Do not get them confused and grab a hand full of walnuts to snack on instead of pecans. Some people have described walnuts as having a “distinct” flavor. Sure. True, it is “distinct.” But you could also say that eating cat shit right out of the litter box has a “distinct” flavor. Walnuts are about the same. Bitter. Musty. Soiley. An awful texture. I’d recommend these things get ground up for mulch but I bet the Earth would think they are disgusting too and doesn’t want them. 

9. Brazil Nuts

Nobody east Brazil nuts on their own. You’ll only find these in mixed nuts. I suppose they taste fine, but they are a lot larger than all the other nuts in mixed nuts and sort of don’t fit in because of it. Also, they are apparently high in selenium which appears right next to arsenic on the periodic table and while trace amounts are needed for cellular function in animals – larger amounts are typically considered as toxic. So I wouldn’t make a habit of snacking on these things. Hrm. No wonder you only find these things in mixed nuts in small quantities and never on their own. They are apparently a bag of poison. 

8. Pine Nuts

Pine Nuts taste fine, although they are a bit subtle (or is “delicate” the right word?). Is there a slightly pine-ey taste there too? Yeah, but it’s not as bad as one of those gross PineSol-tasting IPAs. In the end, I feel like they aren’t versatile enough. I buy these to make pesro with fresh garden basil and basically don’t buy them for anything else. They also cost like a bajillion dollars for a tiny bag of them. Why? They come from PINE TREES. Those trees are everywhere. If you think there is a pine tree shortage for harvesting these things, let me point you to a place called OUTSIDE where right now looking out my window I can see at least 6 of them and they are all huge. 

7. Hazelnuts

Hazelnuts are nothing without chocolate. I like whole or chopped hazelnuts inside of chocolate bars, and I like blended up hazelnuts mixed with chocolate like Nutella. They also come inside mixed nuts but sort of just exist there. They can be consumed no other way. By the way, some people used to call these things “filberts” when I was growing up and that was the stupidest thing ever. I assume nobody under 60 calls them this anymore though. Which is good marketing. Filberts is horrible branding. 

6. Peanuts

While peanuts are extremely versatile and can be used for a lot of things – like hazelnuts, they aren’t particularly anyone’s favorite nut to snack on itself. Most mixed nuts sold out there contain peanuts – with peanuts clearly being the cheap “filler” nut that makes up 50% or more of the entire thing. So much so that fancy, expensive mixed nuts specifically advertise how they have either no peanuts or less than 50% peanuts to charge higher prices. While PBJs and Reeces are amazing foods… the actual peanut itself? I suppose I might snack on them at like one in every five baseball games I go to for the tradition of it, but with all due respect to Jimmy Carter (if he is still alive at the time of this post going up)… peanuts aren’t anyone’s favorite, are they? 

5. Cashews

Cashews are great nuts. They are a highlight in a bag of mixed nuts for me, and in those more expensive bags of nuts that advertise no peanuts as filler… the cashews themselves often act as the new replacement filler (which is okay with me). After that initial crunch into them they have a surprisingly creamy/buttery texture for a nut and can be enjoyed on their own, or with either sweet or savory dishes. 

4. Pistachios 

Another amazing nut. You know if your bag of mixed nuts has pistachios in it, you’ve got the fancy stuff. And more and more these days, people are just buying straight up bags of pistachios to eat rather than having them mixed up with other things. Cracking the clam shells of pistachios is totally the new cracking peanut shells. And it’s slightly cleaner than a peanut since you’re just left with the two halves and not all that dusty, flaky, paper-ey skin stuff (I believe it’s technically called “pellicle”) that surrounds peanuts when you crack them open. Seriously the table at a Five Guys looks like a war zone if you get those peanuts. And pistachio ice cream is soooooo goooooood. 

3. Pecans

Pecans are amazing and deserve to be up here at #3 and I’ll fight you over these. While most people don’t snack straight up on pecans themselves – they have a rich, buttery flavor that makes them super versatile. My grandma had a pecan tree in her yard and every year we could fill like 20 of those orange Home Depot buckets with pecans. You can absolutely bake with pecans (the aforementioned pecan pie, or put them in things like brownies and cookies), throw them in salads, make them a key ingredient in any trail mix or granola, “candy” them to make candied pecans or pralines, make pecan brittle (so much better than peanut brittle), the list goes on. 

2. Macadamia Nuts

Holy hell are Macadamia Nuts good. And all those various flavored versions of them from Mauna Loa are so delicious (and, alas, like $20 a bag). Why do they taste so good? I don’t know, but I sort of guess that they must have like 400 calories or something. Like cashews they have that buttery texture but in this case it almost tastes like butter itself. So tasty. These can 100% be snacked on their own, so much so that I’d say that it would almost be a waste to place them in a macadamia nut cookie… only it’s not because those are so damn amazing too. 

1. Almonds

Almonds are clearly the GOAT nut. They taste so good to snack on just on their own, and they can be used a million different ways culinarily. There are so many examples of there being products out there where almonds are added and it’s improved. Regular M&M? Boring. Peanut M&Ms? Better. The best M&M though? Almond M&Ms. By far. Snickers bars? They’re fine. Not as good as Snickers Almond though (which were once upon a time called “Mars Bars” in the United States – completely different than British Mars Bars, but that’s a different story for a different time). Eat them raw. Roast them. Put them in various dishes. Almond butter. Almond milk. They are also supposed to be super healthy because they are nutrient rich, have the types of fats that don’t really contribute to bad cholesterol and heart disease, are calorie dense and have fiber ro help people fill “full” without eating too much, and have antioxidants that I’m told are like good or something. I’m not really weighing all that health stuff though in these rankings. I’m talking about deliciousness and almonds are a clear winner. 

Ed Ranks Imperial Circles of the Holy Roman Empire

An Empire, as drawn by Jackson Pollock.

The Holy Roman Empire (or the HRE… that’s what the cool kids call it!) was an immensely complex and decentralized political entity that lasted between the early Middle Ages and the early 19th Century. When you think of an “empire” as something run by an “Emperor” who asserts something along the lines of total control… well… yeah… this was not THAT type of “empire.”  Within this one empire there were hundreds of individual territories, states, and entities that held various degrees of autonomy. These included duchies, principalities, bishoprics, free imperial cities, and other such entities. Recall also from the high school history class that you slept through that the concept of a “state” with clearly defined borders is a notion more modern than the HRE itself. The 1648 Peace of Westphalia is several centuries younger the origins of the empire. The Westphalian system (short version: the principle in international law that each state has exclusive sovereignty over its territory) was adopted AFTER the Peace of Westphalia (hence, uh, the name).

So while it would be basically impossible for me or anyone else to rank every single one of these political entities that existed within the HRE, fortunately the empire would establish “Imperial Circles” that eventually came to be understood as the general “regional administrative divisions” within the empire. The first six were established right around 1500, but they would later grow in numbers. There would eventually be ten such circles (a nice, round number for ranking, eh?), each grouping together with the aim of facilitating cooperation, mutual assistance, and defense, as well as managing the complex political administration of the HRE which included electing Emperors.

Here they are, ranked! 

Honorable Mention: “Un-Encircled” Territories 

Initially, the lands ruled by the mighty Hapsburg Dynasty remained outside of any circled, but in 1512, the Diet at Trier and Cologne organized these lands into three additional circles. But even after that, there were still parts of the HRE that never quite made it into a circle. The Lands of the Bohemian Crown, the Old Swiss Confederacy, various Duchies/Republics/Fiefs of Italy, and other minor territories, never made it into one of the 10 circles. Given that they were uncircled, they won’t make the ranks of circles, will they? 

10. Franconian Circle

If you look at a map of the HRE, this circle looks like it’s sort of in the dead center of the empire. With something so central geographically, you’d think it would be more powerful and influential as a political entity, right? Nope! Kansas is at the center of the US, and you wouldn’t exactly say that Topeka is more powerful and influential than New York and Los Angeles. In fact, this general Franconian region had previously been ordered to be merged in a political alliance centuries prior to the circles concept, and it sort of fell apart because the cities and princes in it just weren’t felling it (pretty sure that’s a direct historic quote).  And not that size matters (it doesn’t, right ladies?), but the Franconian Circle was the smallest of the political entities.  The most famous city you’ve heard of as part of this circle is probably Nuremberg – but most people have only heard of that place for its World War II trial infamy, and not for anything to do with being an HRE power broker (nor were Bamberg and Wirtzburg – probably the most notable political entities within this circle. 

9. Burgundian Circle

The Burgundian Circle had a lot going for it that might make you think it was a super important circle in the HRE. First of all, it was one of the three new Circles added in 1512 to place the lands of the mighty Spanish Habsburgs (more on them later) into the whole Circle System.  The lands of this circle are pretty famous too – including much of what we’d now call the “low countries” of Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg, as well as some chunks of France. That land was then considerably enlarged in 1548 when chunks of the Lower Rhenish–Westphalian Circle to the Burgundian circle. Everything seemed to be headed in the right direction for this to be a POWER CIRCLE… but instead its power and influence waned thanks to the events of the Eighty Years War which would see the birth of a new breakaway Seven United Provinces, aka Dutch Republic in 1581, and the eventual annexation of the Free County of Burgundy by France in 1678. After an initial strong start, this Circle petered out and lost most of its land and influence. 

8. Lower Saxon Circle

The whole “Circle” thing was started by the Diet of Augsburg in 1500, which set up six imperial circles as part of the great “Imperial Reform.” One of those six circles was the “Saxon Circle.” But the same 1512 events that added new circles also cut the Saxon circle into two smaller entities – the Lower and Upper Saxon Circles (although it would take another decade before they actually implemented the separation… things were much slower back then). Hamberg is probably the most instantly recognizable city that was part of this territory that the average person would recognize. While the House of Welf was a strong player in the Lower Saxon Circle, one issue that this body had to frequently deal with was the fact that foreign rulers (e.g., the kings of Prussia, Sweden, and Great Britain – all outside of the Holy Roman Empire) actually reigned over certain territories within this Circle at times.  And not to pick on Topeka again, but it would sort of be like if Kansas was part of the United States, but Topeka belonged to Canada and Wichita belonged to… I dunno… Morocco? Having part of the territory in “your” empire actually being ruled by other authorities outside of your empire is never a good thing. Plus, there is the whole “The Saxon Circle got cut in half” thing. Having the size of your circle cut in half and divided is a sure way to be less powerful than you used to be. 

7. Electoral Rhenish Circle

On paper, this is a fairly powerful and influential political entity with historical significance. That fact is presented in the name itself – as this Circle was comprised of the territories of four of the seven “Prince Electors” of the Holy Roman Empire – the very people who determined and elected the next Emperor!  These guys were basically seen as second to only the Emperor himself in terms of power, and on an equal level to kings within the HRE. So why rank the circle of these powerful electors among the lower half of the circles? Well… because honestly as a unified and coordinated political entity that pitched in for things like a common defense… this circle wasn’t successful. Looking at map of this circle – it’s not even close to being large chunks of land unified together. Instead, a political map of the HRE makes the Electoral Rhenish Circle look like a case of eczema along the Rhine (scroll back up and look at the purple bits... it’s so spotty and divided!) Powerful and influential rulers? Yes. But not a powerful united political administrative entity. 

6. Upper Saxon Circle

Unsurprisingly, the Upper Saxon Circle suffers from one of the same issues that its Lower counterpart did – it was cut in half after 12 years and thus its power was diminished a mere dozen years after it was established. But still… even though they only wound up with half of Saxony… that half was still an influential region which included the Electorates of Saxony and Brandenburg (which, like the four Electors in the Electoral Rhenish Circle, controlled who would be name the next Emperor). While there were a number of other principalities, counties, abbacies and duchies in this circle – Saxony and Brandenberg had the vast majority of the land and the vast majority of power.  The fact that this circle was large, geographically close, and mostly ruled by two dominant people – contribute to it being a more stable and influential circle than any of the ones previously discussed, but it's not top 5. 

5. Lower Rhenish-Westphalian Circle

This Circle encompassed key areas, including the city of Cologne within the aforementioned region of Westphalia. It played an important role in the western part of the empire and while it was made up of a number of small states – the Counts De la Marck were able to slowly consolidate more and more power over them to become a fairly significant power player in the HRE. Cleves (as in Anne of Cleves, one of Henry VIII’s wives) is located in this Circle, as are Liège and Munster (cheese… hell yeah!). So yeah, fairly stable and powerful Circle here, but it’s flying in at #5 in the ranking because there are more powerful and notable ones. This is middle of the pack. Not super powerful, but not weak or disunited either. 

4. Upper Rhenish Circle

Another OG Circle from the original 6 established in 1500, this one included extremely valuable territories like Alsace, Metz, Worms, Speyer, Strasbourg, and Verdun (Frankfurt was also part of it, but that city wasn’t exactly the important city it is today because the modern airport that forces you to go there). Like the Lower Rhenish-Westphalian Circle, it had a strategic position in the western part of the empire. All in all, a fairly large and powerful Circle that could be ranked higher if only not for some territorial losses late in the history of the HRE. A significant portion of this Circle that was west of the Rhine river were annexed by France under King Louis XIV during the 17th century (the French were always trying to expand east and grab HRE territory). And while the Empire warred to get this land back, eventually these lands were finally recognized as French by the 1678/79 Treaties of Nijmegen. 

3. Swabian Circle

The Circle of Swabia! Now we’re in top 3 land. Another OG territory from 1500 and established in what had historically been the German “stem-duchy” of Swabia (let’s not get into this, stem duchies are a whole other post-Carolingian Dynasty thing). This territory is obviously also heavily connected and formed from the predecessor "Swabian League" – a defense pact that can be seen as a sort of precursor and inspiration for the “Circle” concept itself. Though if you look at  a map of it, it seems to be mostly together in a circular shape – you can see that there are all sorts of missing dots and spots in it that make it seem a bit shattered and consisting of small, less powerful states.  That being said – the Swabian Circle was a shining example of how to get the circle system to work properly, as despite that shattered appearance it had an extremely effective government, and was able to prevent much of France’s desires for eastward expansion (it succedded where the Upper Rhenish Circle failed) – especially through a standing army it maintained at Kehl fortress. Cities like Aalen, Baden, Buchau, Staufen, Teck, and Ulm may not sound like the powerhouse European cities of the past or present but that only further proves how the circle system could work effectively by having a lot of lesser, smaller territories that could otherwise be conquered by some greedy French rival if they were apart instead remain united and defended by sticking together. 

2. Bavarian Circle

There is a significant power jump from #3 to #2, as we are now talking about a real Holy Roman powerhouse. This was a large and mostly geographically consistent circle that looks a lot like a state with properly defined borders that we think of today (with the exception of some lands of the Prince-Bishops of Freising which were separate and acted like a little island of the circle down in modern Slovenia). The most significant state (by far) in the circle was the Duchy of Bavaria (Munich and all that), which would on to be raised to an Electorate by Emperor Ferdinand II in 1623 – replacing the Count Palentine as a Prince Elector. The Elector of Bavaria would be so important in the HRE that the title also came with the role of being Arch-Steward (aka Arch-Seneschal) of the empire between 1623 and the end of the Empire in 1806 (minus a brief blip from 1706 to 1714 where the Elector of Bavaria sided with France AGAINST the HRE in the War of the Spanish Succession and was temporarily booted out). The Bavarian Circle also included the Upper Palatinate territories, Imperial city of Regensburg (which became the seat of the Imperial Diet in 1663 – making it a central and important city in the empire), the Prince-Archbishopric of Salzburg, and the Prince-Bishoprics of Freising, Passau and Regensburg. The Elector of Bavaria was from the House of Wittelsbach (and later its cadet branches) – and while we don’t think of the Wittelsbachs as an iconic and famous reigning European royal family on the level of families like the Habsburgs and Bourbons – maybe it’s all just branding and because it’s hard to pronounce. They were quite the powerful family that ruled in areas that are today Germany, Austria, the Netherlands, Belgium, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Hungary, Romania, the Czech Republic, and Greece. 

1. Austrian Circle

Well, I just mentioned the Habsburgs when comparing them to the Wittelsbachs, and I think it goes without saying that the Habsburgs are as famous and iconic in world history as they are for a reason – power. And while they had power in a number of places, one of their most significant areas of power was in the Holy Roman Empire, especially in their role over the Austrian Circle (not so much the Burgundian Circle). The Austrian Circle wasn’t one of the original circles in 1500, and was only added later in 1512. That’s sort of because it was initially already so powerful it didn’t need to be organized into part of the circle system as an alliance because it was already… well… essentially totally unified as a Habsburg-ruled entity. How powerful were the Habsburgs? Were they part of the all-important group of Prince-Electors who got to decide the next Holy Roman Emperor? Well… I mean… that would have been sort of a moot point because by the time of the circle system the Habsburg family didn’t need to worry much about being an elector to choose who the Emperor would be. Why? Because they were the Emperors. Yeah, the HRE maintained an electoral system where technically electors chose the Emperor and it wasn’t a purely hereditary title. But for much of the empire’s later history – the Habsburgs had it on lockdown. The only exceptions being Charles VII of the House of Wittelsbach, who ruled from 1742 to 1745, and Francis I of the House of Lorraine from 1745 until 1765. But Francis was married to the Habsburg Empress Maria Theresa and thereafter the heirs to the Emperor title would be the merged House of Habsburg-Lorraine. The chunk of land ruled by these all-powerful Habsburgs within the Austrian Circle roughly corresponds to present-day Austria (it lacked Salzburg initially… but would eventually take that away from the Bavarian Circle to claim it for its own too), Slovenia, and a few regions of Northern Italy. So there you have it! Now you likely know substantially more about the Holy Roman Empire than you did before. 

Ed Ranks Thanksgiving Deserts

I had a brilliant epiphany to rank Thanksgiving Side dishes thinking “oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’ve never done this before!” Then, I looked at my old rankings a second time and was like “oops, no wait… I DID rank this before back in 2018.”  So I had written an entire post that was basically a duplicate of a past one. Oh well. Honestly I was surprised by how consistent the rankings were between what I began drafting and what I wrote 5 years ago. There were maybe like one or two minor changes. But I need a Thanksgiving post, right? Well, I specifically did NOT rank Thanksgiving “deserts” before – which are totally different from sides!  So let’s talk about those things you have absolutely no room for after you’ve already gorged yourself on delicious stuffing and cranberry sauce (eh, and dry-ass turkey too, I guess). 

10. Cake 

It’s weird that I’ve been to Thanksgiving dinners where people have had various types of cakes. Like sheet cake. White cake. Yellow cake. Chocolate cake. I figure all that bread you just ate from stuffing and dinner rolls is enough bread and you certainly don’t want MORE bread. Sometimes there is an attempt to make this seem a little more Thanksgiving-ey by making it something like a “pumpkin spice cake” (or perhaps even a pumpkin spice cupcake… I consider cupcakes to just be a subset of cake). There is also a “cranberry upside-down cake” that I know people have. I dunno. Cake just don’t seem right to me. Thanksgiving season is a PIE kinda season. 

9. Bread Pudding 

Sure, I like bread pudding, and as with the above “cake” category, some people try to make this more Thanksgiving-ey by having it be pumpkin spice bread pudding. Yet as with cake, it’s too much. Too many carbs when you’re already 99% already suffering from a food coma and stomach cramps from having a huge dinner at 2PM. 

8. Cranberry Orange Bread

I saw that this was a thing and questioned what it was until I saw a picture of it and thought “oh yeah, I’ve had that before.” My mom has probably even made it before (though not on Thanksgiving Day). And it is certainly a good idea for a fall/autumn desert bread. I agree that this has the flavor profile that goes well with the “Holiday Season,” but I just don’t think there is room on a Thanksgiving dinner plate (or second plate… or third plate) for all this dang bread. 

7. Pumpkin Rolls 

This is one I’m not actually super familiar with other than conceptually. Similar to the famous cinnamon roll - a thin piece of bread that’s rolled up into a spiral shape and usually slathered with something like a sweet cream cheese filling. It’s still bready and carb-centric, but the fact that we’re adding in the cream cheese means we’re moving in the right direction. 

6. Cheesecake 

Though called “cake,” cheesecake isn’t really cake because it’s actually… uh… geez. What IS cheesecake? A pie? No, it’s not even made in a pie pan. A tart? A baked custard? Whatever it is, it lacks all that bread so it’s definitely preferable to the heavier cakey/bready options above. And like some of the other above options, this could be a pumpkin spice-flavored cheesecake to try to “Thanksgiving” it up. Still a bit of a stretch though.

5. Apple Pie

Apple pie coming in this low might be a bit of a surprise… but hear me out. There is a better apple dessert choice for Thanksgiving, and you will learn about it soon enough. 

4. Sweet Potato Pie

With all due apologies to Pattie LaBelle and those who love sweet potato pies… you have to admit the truth that your pie tastes nearly identical to a pumpkin pie. What are the seasonings in a sweet potato pie? They are pumpkin spice seasonings. Which contain no actual pumpkin, but it's named that because we associate it with pumpkin pie. Not sweet potato pie. Or else we would call it "sweet potato spice," wouldn't we? This will always be the less loved stepchild of pumpkin pie. It tastes good, but it is what it is. 

3. Apple Crisp

Apple pie is delicious… but what is better? Getting rid of that boring top crust and replacing it with a concoction of brown sugar, butter, and something that is some tyoe of flour or grain (often it’s oats with apple crisp). Technically that makes this dish a streusel, I suppose. It’s better than apple pie. Why? Didn’t I just say? BROWN SUGAR AND BUTTER! And let’s be honest, throwing that streusel crisp on top is a billion times easier than putting on a top pie crust. Especially one of those complicated woven ones. What a pain. 

2. Pecan Pie

I like pecan pie more than I like what came in at #1 (go on and guess… or just scroll down a little, it’s not cheating. This isn’t a test) but I have to admit that what came in at #1 is indeed the “ultimate” Thanksgiving desert.  As for pecan pie? Oh so good. Especially if it’s made of insanely unhealthy Karo syrup. Is Karo syrup used for anything OTHER than pecan pies? I’m not sure, because 100% of the times I’ve bought Karo syrup it was to make pecan pie. Have I ranked nuts yet? Pecans are so good. Maybe I should rank nuts. 

1. Pumpkin Pie

Obviously. 

Ed Ranks Settlers of Catan Resource Hexes

Settlers of Catan – the famous Eurogame that takes 46 hours to play (45 hours to figure out the rules, and then 1 hour of playtime before you get angry and toss the board).  Actually, this might not be fair. The only time I tried to play it with some friends I was already like 2 beers in… so the "complexity" of the game might have been more a ME issue than an issue with the game itself. 

Anyway, within the game (at least the standard edition and not expansion packs) there are five specialized hex tiles represnting terrain types that provide resource cards to the players with adjacent settlements/cities. What are those five specialized hex titles you ask? I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you in the form of a ranking.

5. Pasture (produces Wool)

I know pastures might seem important. Pastures are where we place animals, and animals give us important stuff like food and milk. But I guess the people who made this game are vegans, so pastures only produce Wool for us here. Which I suppose is important for clothes, right? You don’t want these settlers running around naked, do you? I suppose not… but if I’m going all in on settling… wool is going to be my bottom priority. 

4. Mountain (produces Ore)

Who settles in mountains? Crazy people, that’s who. Tibetan monks and stuff. A mountain isn’t a good place to live. It’s so high up. It’s cold and rocky. I guess you have plenty of water if you melt the snow and drink it but it’s not a piece of land I’d want to live on if I had my choice. It does produce ore, which I suppose it important later in the game for building cities and stuff. 

3. Hill (produces Brick)

Hills are like the mini versions of mountains. I guess it’s nice to live on a hill for defensive purposes. And it’s not quite as bad of a hike as living on a mountain. What I’m not really getting is the connection between hills and bricks though. Yes, hills are obviously made up of a lot of dirt (along with rocks) – but you know what other type of terrain is also made up of mostly dirt that you can make bricks out of? Literally every single other type. Why can’t you also make bricks from pastures and stuff? I dunno. I guess they just needed to give hill something. Bricks are important and all. If you build a brick house and live inside of it you can keep warm without all the need for those itchy wool clothes. I’ll just throw this one right in the middle. 

2. Forest (produces Lumber)

Although houses made of trees are more flammible than houses made of bricks… you gotta admit that trees are a lot easier and faster to work with. And you can do all sort of stuff with wood/lumber. It’s very versitle. Lumber’s great and you need it for building. Even moreso than ore. Yeah, forest is good stuff. You can probably also get deer and animals to eat here in the forest – but like with the pasture this game pretends that meat doesn’t exist. You know what food source does exist though? 

Hell yeah, GRAIN!

1. Field (produces Grain)

This one is simple: you don’t eat – you die. Everyone needs grain (sorry Adkins Diet people!) In the game it’s used to build settlements, upgrade settlements to cities, etc. And in the real world it’s simple common sense that you need grain. I know if I’m settling somewhere, I want it to be on a field. I mean preferably a dield near some fores and hill or something, but yeah… field is the way to go.

Ed Ranks Weird-Ass Sea Creatures by How Weird They Are

Honorable Mention: Axolotl

First of all, cool Aztec name. Second of all, these guys are ambibians and technically salamanders, which really makes you think “both land and water, so not a sea creature.” Okay, technically true since they are fresh water and not the sea – but these dudes (and dudettes) basically live underwater their whole lives and keep their gills. All the other salamanders go through the metamorphasis stage where they emerge from the water but not Axolotls. Also they have these crazy ass fins coming out of their head. Oh, and I forgot to mention – Wolverine healing powers. Yeah, I know there are all types of lizards and amphibians that can do stuff like regrow legs or tails when they lose them – but Axolotls are super special and can heal like EVERYTHING that’s damged. Their central nervous system. Parts of their brains. I’d say these lil ones are basically immortal but that’s not true because humanity has driven them to near extinction in the wild. Oopsie!  But again, only honorable mention here because they are fresh water bound and this is about the SEA my friends.

10. Dumbo Octopus

Poor Dumbo Octpus got named after the Disney movie about the elephant and, sure enough, this octopus has two fins that look like Dumbo’s ears. They certainly count as weird-looking animals, but they are not top tier weird like the others above on this list.

9. Blobfish

Known for their gelatinous, blobby appearance that has become an internet stable – byt the fact is that they live at a level of the ocean where the pressure is totally different – so that entire “blobby” look that gives them,  their name is not even what they really look like normally. They look sort of like normal fish. They only seem to be blobs when we pull them to the surface to gawk and them and kill them via rapid decompression (because they aren’t designed to live at our air pressure).  In terms of “what air pressure is it okay to live at,” they’re like the reverse of those millionaires on the Titan Sub.  Sorry. Too soon.  Anyway – I’m sure this would top some people’s lists but not mine because they honestly don’t even look all that weird under normal conditions.

8. Nudibranchs

While a Nudibranch might sound like the regional branch of a union of strippers (they’re unionized, right?) – this actually refers to a variety of different sea slugs that are almost all vividly colored and given names like "clown", "marigold", "splendid", "dancer", and "dragon." I guess they are sort of weird in that they are intensely colors sea slugs – but they’re a little too pretty to be totally weird. I think weird needs a little more ugly in it. The most famous of these guys is the “Glaucus atlanticus” aka “Blue Dragon” which as you might guess looks a lot like a blue dragon. But, you know, a slug.

7. Leafy Sea Dragon

You’ve probably seen this at aquariums. It looks like a seahorse (because it’s related to the seahorse), ecept it also looks like a plant. It looks a lot like seaweed/kelp and can blend in. Which at first makes a lot of sense because you’re like “oh yeah, camoflague… good idea!” But don’t like a TON of sea animals eat seaweed and kelp? Seems like a double-edged sword here. Imagine if someone had the power to disguise themselves… but could only looks like a delicious burger from Five Guys. Not the best strategy if you want to avoid being eaten.

6. Mimic Octopus

Let’s stick to the topic of camoflague. “Weird” is a bit of a stretch for this one. More like “unique.” Also, honestly they look pretty normal. What might qualify as “weird” is their abilities rather than their looks. As you might guess from the word “mimic,” these octopus like to pretend to be other things. While camoflague and the ability to engage in color changing is fairly common in octopii and related species – rather than trying to blend in like background or the sea floor, mimic octpus can change their colors to look like the deadly black and white-banded sea krait (or techncially like 8 of them… I guess with the 8 tentacles and all), but also other species like lionfish, jellyfish, etc. It usually impersonates fairly deadly/venemous creatures to send a signal to others that’s like “yeah, you’re gonna want to leave me alone.” However, it also pretends to be other animals like crabs so it can go up to other horny crabs that want to mate and be like “SYKE!” and then murder/eat them. Pretty messed up. But that’s nature, ain’t it?

5. Mantis Shrimp

Weird? Absolutely. But also sort of badass. Maybe you’ve heard of these guys – especially the “peacock” or “raindbow” variety with it’s vibrant coloration. These guys sort of look like the shrimp you might order at a restaurant but are famous/infamous as pets in aquarium tanks where they are absolutely brutal killers that can spear and smash all other lifeforms with their super claws. They pack so much punch that they are said to be able to break the aquarium glass and… I mean I guess kill themselves in the process when all the water drains out. Their eyes are also thought to be the most complex eyes in the animal kingdom – while humans have 3 types of photoreceptor cells, these mantis shrimp have between a dozen and 16 and it’s thought that they can see thousands of different colors that the human vision can’t comprehend. Which is weird and unnecessary because I think we have enough colors already. Just wait until Crayola starts marketing to these prawns.

 4. Vampire Squid

As far as I know these things don’t turn into bats or suck blood – but they sure are creepy looking. They have a dark color and can essentially live in parts of the ocean with very little oxygen. Rather than having the traditional separate “tentacles” – the tentacles here are linked together in a way that sort of looks like the webbing on a frogs feet or… well… the wings on a bat. Like, you know, a vampire bat. Oh, they are also covered in little light-producing organs called “photophores” that can flash light at other creatures to disorient them to eat them. Which sort of makes them more like “Clubbing Electronic Dance Music Squid” rather than “Vampire Squid.” They also have little spines/spikes on their tentacles which absolutely make them appear like some Lovecraftian sea horror.

3. Anglerfish

Ah yes, the Anglerfish. This is the one with the little boop staff on the head with the glowing light on it that is used as a lure to attract other dumb fish so that it eats them. It is also typically depicted with fierce fangs that you do not want to mess with. Certainly a weird, creepy-looking nightmare fish.  Actually, there are over a dozen different species of Anglerfish, so they don’t all look exactly like our cultural depiction of them – but yeah, all of  them are sort of ugly and super weird. These are definitely the weirdbois of the sea.

2. Barreleye

Barreleye Fish have a transparent head. Like, totally transparent. A see-through head where you see their brains. Their head is just like Krang in the stomach of that cyborg in Ninja Turtles or something. Or wait… Morbius from Doctor Who is a better example but a little more obscure. Don’t confuse that Morbius with the awful Marvel Comics Morbius. This was a Frankenstein pastiche character who had a glass head and you could see the brain inside. Creepy.

KILLL MEEEEE!

1. Goblin Shark

Their name alone should tell you these are weird looking creatures – and unlike the misleading Blobfish that actually looks pretty normal under normal deep sea conditions… yeah… the Goblin Sharks are creepy, long-nosed, dislocated-jaw-looking weirdo sharks. Is Goblin Shark a good name for them? Absolutely. This was a good job of knowing what to name something because if there was a shark that was a goblin – this is it. In the Shark version of Lord of the Rings, these guys definitely play the Orcs. Don’t ask me what the Human sharks are. Like Mako or something? I dunno.

Ed Ranks Diablo Classes

So, who out there is playing Diablo IV’s Season of Blood right now? Good stuff, huh? I’ve loved Diablo since the first game. So let’s rank those classes of characters in the game, shall we?  Also, I’m going to go ahead and merge a few classes that technically had different names across the games if I think they were “close enough.” You might think that is a controversial decision, but also I do not care what you think. 

10. Amazon 

As Featured in: Diablo II

For Diablo and Diablo II, there wasn’t a ton of character customization, and so the classes were gender-specific, with the Amazon being the most gender-specific of all and serving as the “female character replacement” to the first Diablo’s Rogue. She even had the “I am the one who uses the bow” skills that the Rogue featured in the first game. I almost merged this into a subset of the Rogue, but the Rogue class is already complicated enough and I suppose the Amazon had a unique-enough backstory and her use of spears/javelins was different.  Not a terrible class, but the fact that we haven’t followed up with much more about this class since the year 2000 means that a little more development will be needed to make this class shine more. 

9. Blood Knight

As Featured in: Diablo Immortal

This one is a bit unfair because I’ve never played Diablo Immortal, so I’m ranking based on a wild-ass guess of gameplay here (hey, I rank things I know nothing about all the time). Similar to the Amazon I pondered if this class should be merged into the existing “Warrior” class, but the supernatural / vampirey characteristics of it make it different and unique. There are some predictions and guesses that the Blood Knight might get featured in some sort of Diablo IV expansion in the future, so I have some hopes for further character development with this one.

8. Bard (Unfinished Class) 

As Featured in: Diablo: Hellfire (unfinished class, only playable after editing a Command.txt file) 

Should this one even make the rankings? Yes, based on the potential promise of the class… and the fact that you could play as it if you did some file manipulation. While the basic story of the Bard is that she is a dual-wielding Rogue (and thus I considered leaving her off completely and making her a subset to the Rogue), she also had some magic-abilities second only to the Sorcerer. This ranking of a quasi-canon class above two classes that actually really appeared in games might be a bit of a stretch… but I see the promise in the development or use of this class in the future if they can figure out how to make it unique. I mean the Diablo franchise is one of many video games that is spawned from D&D (so I understand, I basically know nothing about D&D)… and the Bard is a beloved D&D class. Surely in Diablo IV, which attempts to force people to play a lot of multiplayer, there has to be some unique way to develop this Bard character as one who buffs other players in multiplayer, can use some unique types of spellcasting that the Sorcerer and Necromancer classes don't have, its. This class has potential! 

7. Monk 

As Featured in: Diablo: Hellfire, Diablo III, Diablo Immortal

Instead of officially getting the Bard in Diablo: Hellfire (or the Barbarian, see below) – we got the Monk. I mean it’s an interesting idea. A holy warrior. But in the end, the holy warrior shtick isn’t too different from the… well… Warrior warrior from Diablo I, or from new takes on the warrior that would appear in Diablo II and III with even more specific holy names (Paladin, Crusader). There is some cool “martial arts”-inspired aspects that make the Monk different and interestingly playable (especially in Diablo III), but in the end the Monk does feel like a bit of a slightly different riff on an existing class. I think I played with two Monks in D3 and while I had fun with them, after I was done with their campaigns and Seasons, I moved on without really itching to go back. 

6. Warrior/Paladin/Crusader

As Featured in: Diablo (as Warrior), Diablo II (as Paladin), Diablo III: Reaper of Souls (as Crusader), Diablo Immortal (as Crusader)

This is your “standard” or default class. I mean I almost want to name the whole class “Knight” and be over with it. The sword and shield, melee-fighting warrior hero adventurer. Although you can play the first Diablo game as any of three classes, when Diablo II comes out and resolves the cliffhanger from the first game – it retroactively assumes that the class you played and thus the main character of the first game was the Warrior (retroactively named “The Wanderer” in Diablo II, and then again retro-retroactively re-renamed “Aidan” in Diablo III and given the WTF rewrite that he was King Leoric’s son... which makes zero sense in actual Diablo I gameplay). Basically the same staple melee fighting class was used again over the next several games – but renamed Paladin and Crusader, with slightly different backstories about what exact religion or faith they are holy warriors for. I mean a decent and classic class (one that is surprisingly not in Diablo IV at all… yet), but also ranked here in the middle because it’s kind of vanilla. 

5. Druid

As Featured in: Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, Diablo IV

A lot of people hate on the Druid, and apparently it’s the least popular class in Diablo IV. But I think it’s an interesting concept with pretty unique and different gameplay.  Nomadic warriors with animal summoning / transformation and wind / earth powers sort of makes them the Earth Benders of the Diablo universe. The Diablo IV Scosglen chapter and sidequests do a lot to build up some of the story behind this class, which initially only featured in the Diablo II expansion pack. They are also kin to and descended from Barbarians, an aspect of their story that is interesting. Far more interesting than “I am a warrior who fights.” 

4. Rogue/Assassin/Demon Hunter

As Featured in: Diablo (as Rogue), Diablo II: Lord of Destruction (as Assassin), Diablo III (as Demon Hunter), Diablo Immortal (as Demon Hunter), Diablo IV (as Rogue) 

This is likely the first of the controversial mergers of three separate classes. In many ways, the Assassin introduced in the Diablo II: Lord of Destruction expansion was not much of a successor to the first game’s bow-and-arrow, ranged fighting Rogue (the Amazon took on the primary role as the Rogue successor). However, by the time Diablo III rolled around, the new “Demon Hunter” class appeared to take the Rogue and Assassin classes and merge them into a new single class. And by the time Diablo IV rolled around, the Rogue class now essentially had two builds – either as that classic bow and arrow type, or an expert at traps and cutthroat activities like the Assassin/Demon Hunter had. So, the build of the Rogue class in Diablo IV, while returning to the OG game’s “Rogue” name but keeping some of the aspects of the D2 and D3 classes, made me decide that the other classes should simply be seen as subsets.  And it’s a fun class to play. I love the ranged fighter and I had a Demon Hunter in Diablo 3 that was an absolute murder machine. I had to keep jacking up his Nightmare level again and again because he could take a few shots and murder everything on the screen. Fun class. But there are better!

 3. Sorcerer/Sorceress/Wizard 

As Featured in: Diablo (as Sorcerer), Diablo II (as Sorceress), Diablo III and Diablo Immortal (as Wizard), Diablo IV (as Sorcerer) 

As noted when discussing the Amazon, the first two games used a single avatar for the classes without the ability to customize sex. So the male Sorcerer was flipped into a female Sorceress in the second game – but still the same essential class. For Diablo III this class was renamed “Wizard” in what I assumed was an attempt to be gender neutral because you could customize sex – but again basically the same thing. Finally the character returned to the original name for Diablo IV.  Great character and I always love to play as a Chain Lightning Sorcerer. I have so many great memories from the first Diablo playing as fire wall sorcerer too… although Lightning is where my heart remains. I can’t get the build to work quite right in Diablo IV though. I played Season 1 with a Sorceress but she was super slow at leveling and died all the time, even after some game updates buffed her up and made her less of a glass jaw. If you can create the right build that is powerful and wipes out masses of demons in one stroke while not immediately dying from a single finger poke… then you can have a real fun time with this class. 

2. Necromancer (and yes, the Witch Doctor) 

As Featured in: Diablo II, Diablo III (as the Witch Doctor), Diablo III: Reaper of Souls, Diablo Immortal, Diablo IV 

Yep, this is my hottest of hot takes. The Witch Doctor is just a subset of the Necromancer and not its own class. While Diablo III’s character customization went beyond Diablo and Diablo II by finally allowing you too choose either sex for every class, there was still only one base female and one base male for each class – so you couldn’t customize things like skin tone. In order for the game to have more diverse looks rather than just having a bunch of white folk, the “Witch Doctor” class was essentially a new take on the Necromancers, but with some new Haitian voodoo and African witch doctor spice added to what had been a pale goth boi. But let’s be honest here… NOT a new class. Witch Doctors summoned and controlled minions (which Necromancers did), they did “hexes” (renamed Necromancer curses), they had poison-based skills (which Necromancers had), and they very core of both characters is that whole “animate the dead” shtick. Diablo III thought it could create a new and different take on Necromancers and people would be happy (Necromancers were VERY popular in Diablo II). Yet opeople still demanded that Necromancers. And so eventually, Necromancers were brought back in Diablo III’s Reaper of Souls expansion, even though Witch Doctors were still in the game.  Yep, I’m arguing that if you had the Reaper of Souls expansion with the Necromancer add-on purchased, then you were playing a game that had the same class in it… TWICE. Anyway, Necromancers in general are just fun. I loved them in D2 and D3, and now that I’m playing Diablo IV I’m currently running a blood-themed Necromancer who is an ABSOLUTE TANK that can just obliterate everything around it in short fashion and levels super fast. I’m clearing dungeons and levelling like a million times faster with this Necro than I did with my Sorceress last season and I LOVE IT. My Tank Necro is great because Tanks are great. Which also explains why the #1 greatest class is… 

1. Barbarian 

As Featured in: Diablo: Hellfire (unfinished class, only playable after editing a Command.txt file), Diablo II, Diablo III, Diablo Immortal, Diablo IV

After Barbarians were finally officially introduced in Diablo II following the soft and non-canon start in the Hellfire expansion, there was no going back. Barbarians going bezerk and just DESTROYING EVERYTHING AROUND THEM is incredible. Ever since Diablo II debuted, the first character I create in every new Diablo game is a whirlwind-focused Barbarian named “Mittens” (I’m a fan of the brutal, hulking nature of murderous blood-thirsty barbarians juxtaposed with the name that you would give to an adorable kitten with white paws). Look, there is something to be said for long-ranged fighters like bow-and-arrow based Rogues and Sorcerers who cast smells far from their enemies… but in the end all I really want to do is run right into the middle of a huge pile of enemies and just GO TO TOWN ON THEM WITH INSANE VIOLENCE AND WEAPONS IN BOTH HANDS. There are some amazing Barbarian builds out there which can be shored up to have both incredible defense so they don’t die while getting bukkake’d by a screen full of enemies around them, while simultaneously tossing out incredible damage. For some reason my Necro in Diablo IV is actually more of a tank than my Barbarian… but I’m going to go back to the drawing board with my Barbarian and probably adjust a few things to get him where he belongs as a mega tank. Barbarians are, far and away, the best both in terms of fun playability and with a dynamic, interesting backstory. Some people are miffed by D4 lacking the Warrior/Paladin/Crusader class as the “default” melee character… but those people are wrong because the Barbarian is clearly now THE melee character of the Diablo series, so much so that we don’t need to pretend that people want to be a stuffy-ass noble knight in armor. 

Ed Ranks Hard Liquor

I’ve ranked beers and whisk[e]ys by country previously, as well as IBA cocktails, but I’ve never really ranked alcoholic beverages in general, have I? Well… let’s rank hard liquor.  I’m sticking to the primary hard liquors here. No liqueurs/cordials, and let’s be honest a lot of things that try to market themselves as unique and different types of liquors are simply sub-sets of the 8 categories I’m listing below. 

8. Herbal / Botanical Distillations

These are your herb, seed and botanical-heavy distilled spirits like Absinthe, Raki, Ouzo and so on. I can understand why in the days of yore they needed so many anise-heavy drinks: to hide the even worse flavor of awful distilling and polluted water. Nowadays though? Ugh. At most these should be used sparingly as cocktail mixers. 

7. Vodka

I do not like Vodka. It is the most boring of all hard liquors. It tastes like burning and the only way it doesn’t taste like burning is through the 4000 different “flavored vodkas” out there that try to hide the burning but only wind up tasting like burning plus that awful, chemical (mostly fruit) flavor they added. 

6. Rice Distillations

Look, this is a pretty broad category there that includes Soju as probably the most famous, but also a number of others such as Awamori, Baijiu, etc. And it doesn’t include rice wine. Lot of people think that low-proof rice drinks are rice liquors but they are not. I’m not talking about rice wine here. 

5. Brandy & Fruit Distillations 

This is another “Cover My Ass” catch-all category that includes wide varities of fruit-based alcohols that start more as wines, but then are distilled further and further until they lead to a proof where I suppose they could be called “liquor” instead of liqueurs or wines. Brandy is the most famous one, but there are dozens and dozens of grape, apple and other fruit concoctions like pisco, kirsh, rakia, tsikoudia, etc. A lot of them unfortunately lean pretty close to “this just tastes like vodka,” but some of them maintain some unique flavors – so I guess I’m putting it here. 

4. Rum 

Ah, rum. I had not actually known that there were really good sipping rums out there until a few years ago – I thought that rum was that stuff you mixed with fruit (especially citrus) and drank in cocktail form. I mean it still MOSTLY is, but rum can actually be more than that. It’s pretty versatile. Seriously though, rum cocktails are great. 

3. Tequila / Mezcal 

Tequilas and Mezcals are delicious and complex. No I’m not talking about your basic bitch college frat party tequilas and I’m certainly not talking about any of that worm-in-the-bottle junk that’s out there more for the American myth about tequilas and mezcals than its about authenticity. There is some great sipping stuff out there and tequila is so much more than margarita juice. 

2. Gin

Gin is something I most definitely did not like when I was a young person first consuming adult beverages. The herbal / earthy qualities of the juniper in it hit a strong “dislike” on the tastebuds that is still the reason I rank general herbal / botanical distillations so low. But the juniper is no where near as harsh or strong as it is in some of those others, and as I hit my 30s that subtle complexity in flavor transformed into a strong like. Simple gin cocktails are fantastic. A martini NEEDS to be gin-based (vodka martinis are garbage), and is largely just a glass of cold gin with maybe a very small splash of vermouth. Gimlets are delicious, and a simple gin and tonic is the official drink of summer. 

1. Whiskey

Whiskey/whisky is the best. It includes your Scotch, your Bourbons, your Irish Whiskys, and everything else in the whole range of delicious brown elixir. It’s not even close. This is the best liquor. On its own to drink neat or on ice when picking out a fantastic sipping one. And also in epic cocktails like a Manhattan or Old Fashioned.  

Okay, so that’s it. Short and sweet rankings, right? 

Ed Ranks Post-April 2020 Chad Michael Murray Roles by How Much They Sound Like Chad Michael Murray Roles

Guys, an important update here. In April 2020 I posted a blog titled "Ed Ranks Chad Michael Murray Roles by How Much They Sound Like Chad Michael Murray Roles" implying that he was an extremely caucasian actor. However, it's now 2023, and Chad Michael Murray is still starring in things, and he is still extremely white.  And while CMM's career has taken a turn in the "direct-to-video" and "Hallmark Christmas movies" direcion, that is by no means going to stop us from DOING THIS AGAIN! 

9. Ted Bundy (Ted Bundy: American Boogeyman, 2021) - Wow. Yikes. No. No no no no noooooo. Why would anyone cast CMM as Ted Bundy?  People say Ted Bundy was handsome for a seriel killer, but I mean go back and look at pictures. 70's handsome must have been different because that man is no Chad Michael Murray. Anyway, I'm supposed to be ranking these "character" names by how incredibly white they sound, and while Ted Bundy is a quite white name - it doesn't scream ascot-wearing country club white. It screams deranged ladykiller. Which is not what I think of when I think of Chad Michael Murray roles. 

8. Frederick Balzary (Fortress, 2021 & Fortress: Sniper's Eye, 2022) - A duo of direct to video films with a barely-there Bruce Willis with dementia. Pretty sad. But Balzary is way too "ethnic" for CMM. I think its Hungarian (it's actually the real surname of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers). Yes, Hungarians are white. But Chad Michael Murray's white-named film roles have to sound like the type of white that would keep the Eastern European whites out. 

7. Kevin Vaughn (Toying With the Holidays, 2021) - Kevin is pretty white, and I think Vaughn is sort of a Welsh name or something. I'm not feeling it though. Doesn't seem CMM-ey enough for me. 

6. Paul Barnett (Too Close for Christmas, 2020) - Okay, heading in the right direction. Still. Paul is too sophisticated and classic of a name for this total and literal CHAD. 

5. Joel Sheehan (Colors of Love, 2021) - Same as above. Sheehan sounds Irish AF, which is getting towards what we're looking for. Joel is all wrong though. 

4. Eric (Survive the Game, 2021) - Another direct-to-video with Bruce Willis. Eric sort of works, but the lack of a last name hurts. They could really up'ed the Chad Michael Murray-ness of this character by giving him a very CMM last name. Lost opportunity. 

3. Gabriel (Angel Falls Christmas, 2021) - This one only works if he's technically Gabriel but goes by "Gabe." CMM is a total Gabe. 

2. Cal Jones (Sullivan's Crossing, 2023) - HELL YES! CORRECT! Chad Michael Murray is 100% a Cal. He is a Cal 4LYFE! 

1. Brody Bradshaw (Sand Dollar Cove, 2021) - Brody? BRODY?! Ohmygod if "Cal" is a 100% CMM name than "Brody" has to be like a 110% CMM name. Chad Michael Murray was born to be a Brody and should never play another character that isn't named Brody ever again. And Brody BRADSHAW? Alliterative! EVEN BETTER! 

Ed Ranks Every Olivia Rodrigo Song

It's obvious where the kiddos should turn when they want to hear the latest about Olivia Rodrigo: a barely active blog written by a 42-year-old man who really only listens to rock and metal. Well, you're in luck because I'm ranking all of Livvy's (that's what they call her, right? How do you do, fellow kids?) 23 song from her two albums - SOUR and GUTS (I know technically she also sings songs from Disney Channel shows, but no those aren't making these rankings,and neither are random "bonus" tracks that appear on limited editions of albums).  

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Ed, seems like a pretty difficult task to rank 23 straight sad songs about ex-boyfriends.” But that’s where you’re wrong because only like 65% of them are sad songs about ex-boyfriends. There are also angry and sarcastic songs about ex-boyfriends too. 

Why do this though? I mean… something something… witty, genre-transcending voice of her generation that comfortably shifts between pop and rock with emotionally-compelling songs… something something… universal relatability… something something ability to capture feelings of disillusionment, heartbreak, growing pains… something something mental health, the pressures of sudden stardom, societal expectations for young women… something? Look, I’m not a music or social critic, I just rank things. So, if I had to provide an answer for why I’m doing this ranking… maybe it’s because she likes to swear. A LOT. Which, as someone who has had my blogger posts taken down because they contain too much swearing, I can fucking appreciate. Oh, and I guess also because she’s a smokeshow.

23. 1 step forward, 3 steps back

• Memorable Lyrics: “You got me fucked up in the head, boy”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (fucked)
• Analysis: My least favorite Olivia Rodrigo song upon listening through her two albums. To me it sounds like a fairly "meh" angsty song that any teenage girl might write. It’s not very complex or witty like she usually is – the title and primary metaphor that she sings mumbles through the song seem pretty basic. It sounds about as complex as a song me and some classmates wrote in 6th grade for a music class assignment that was a jokey tale about parents beating their child (I know, I know, you might say that isn’t funny… but Rodrigo would laugh. I have some insider information that she’s alright with jokes 'bout senseless cruelty, that's for sure). I guess technically this may not be an “ex” song though, because the tense of the song makes it seem like this about an ongoing shitty relationship rather than a past one.

22. enough for you

• Memorable Lyrics: “But God, you couldn't have cared less / About someone who loved you more”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (lame!)
•  Analysis: This one ranks right above “1 step forward, 3 steps back” in terms of “haven’t I heard this exact sad song elsewhere on this album?” Another sad, minimalist song about shitty boy who broke your heart? Yep. Versions of this are all over SOUR, and this one’s main hypothesis is that the breakup was because she wasn’t “exciting” enough. Strange reason. But this one gets a slight edge over “1 step forward” because… uhm… well, I guess it’s a little better. It just is. Told you I’m not a music critic.  

21. lacy

• Memorable Lyrics: “Dazzling starlet / Bardot reincarnate”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (hell, if that counts)
• Analysis: First of all, if someone’s skin is “like puff pastry,” they should go to the emergency room immediately. That does not sound healthy. Second… uhm… Lacy girl… RUN. Because this song sounds like the type of song Chapman might have written about John Lennon. Olivia’s lyrics make her sound like a crazed stalker with a love/hate relationship with this Lacy gal. One common interpretation of this song is that it’s about a romantic rival (the line “You got the one thing that I want”) but there is no actual lyrics that indicate the one thing she wants is Lacy’s boyfriend. Lacy could really have anything that Olivia wants so badly that it causes this intense love/hate dynamic. Maybe Lacy has a rare “Recurring Nightmare” card from Magic: The Gathering and Olivia is super jealous and THAT’s the one thing she wants. I mean it’s POSSIBLE. Pretty anti-feminist of you to assume it’s about a boy.

20. hope ur ok

• Memorable Lyrics: “Does she know how proud I am she was created / With the courage to unlearn all of their hatred”
• Number of Swear Words: 0
• Analysis: SOUR concludes with a heartfelt and sentimental song about old friends she’s lost touch with over the years. In this day and age of social media and everyone being online, it feels sort of strange that it can still happen… but yeah… there are particular kids from grade school who aren’t online and I have no idea what the hell happened to them. The particular friends she mentions here are ones who had troubled relationships with their shitty parents and while she has no idea how they’re doing, she, well, hopes they’re okay. I mean I’m glad this song isn’t yet another one about an ex boyfriend, and while the subject matter is certainly relatable, it’s solidly in the lower tier.

19. happier

• Memorable Lyrics: “And do you tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen? / An eternal love bullshit you know you'll never mean”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (bullshit)
• Analysis: Olivia Rodrigo? More like Tom PETTY because this song is PETTY AS FUCK AND I LOVE IT. Rather than simply being sad about a breakup, now she’s moved on to acceptance that her ex has moved on, and while she doesn’t necessarily wish him and his new girl ill will, she doesn’t exactly wish them good will either. While she at least claims that she hopes he is “happy,” she most definitely wants to make it perfectly clear that she hopes he is NOT “happier” than when he was with her. Pettiness and selfishness are valid, Olivia. You are valid! ‘Preciate you!   Anyway, if you're thinking this song is much better than #19 and I'm crazy for ranking it this low... I mean fine, I understand. I'm not saying I dislike the song. It has its moments. I just like the other songs better, okay? Get off my case. 

18. traitor

• Memorable Lyrics: “God, I wish that you had thought this through / Before I went and fell in love with you”
• Number of Swear Words: 2… but barely (1 hell, 1 damn)  
• Analysis: Immediately after the rockin “brutal” opening track, we turn to what a lot of the rest of the SOUR album is going to sound like: slow, piano-based, minimalist heartbreak ballads. Rodrigo asks “Ain’t it funny?” several times in this song, and it is most definitely NOT funny. It is sad. It’s about a boyfriend who was clearly already moving on and starting to make moves towards a new girl while they were still together and although he technically didn’t cheat (that she knows of – “you'd talk to her / maybe did even worse”), he’s still a douchenozzle shithead for gaslighting her (or, as she puts it, is “a traitor”).  If you like heartbreak ballads strap yourself in, because more of these are coming. 

17. pretty isn't pretty

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I try to ignore it, but it's everything I see / It's on the posters on the wall, it's in the shitty magazines”
• Number of Swear Words: 3 (2 shit/shitty, 1 fucking)
• Analysis: Thematically this song from GUTS is somewhat similar to SOUR’s “jealousy, jealousy” in that it touched on a lack of self-confidence and the difficulty in living up to unachievable ideals of beauty. However, it does differentiate in that here Rodrigo is clearly speaking to post- celebrity experiences of her insecurities despite massive fame and adoration, while the former song touches upon more universal insecurities that any young teenager might be faced with when browsing through pretty people on social media. I certainly get it, and yes I can understand that beautiful people can think they’re ugly just like I can understand that amazingly talented  people suffer from imposter syndrome. Still, in terms of more general appeal and relatability for a song that does touch on a similar theme, I think the version from SOUR does it slightly better, so I’m going to rank these two together, with the next one picking up the slight ranking edge…  

16. jealousy, jealousy 

• Memorable Lyrics: “C-comparison is killing me slowly / I think, I think too much / 'Bout kids who don't know me”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (surprisingly)
• Analysis: After the teenage angst-themed opener of “brutal,” SOUR then goes on to have SEVEN ex-boyfriend songs in a row, which is fucking exhausting. By song nine I’m absolutely ready and thankful for a new subject: social media and the artificial images of happiness, prettiness and success that flood her feed and make her feel insecure about herself. She’s unable to stop comparing herself to the people she sees, wishes she were them, etc. – all while she’s very much aware that what she’s looking at is polished and unreal. I can certainly see how much thing song resonates and represents the absolute mindfuck that young people are dealing with as they navigate their teenage years (especially years they were locked in the house during a pandemic quarantine with little to do other than be plugged in to social media). Rodrigo also makes sure to add in some of her wonderful trademark pettiness/spite from songs like deja vu & good 4 u with lines like “And I'm happy for them, but then again, I'm not.” Hell yeah, you all american bitch, you.

15. favorite crime

• Memorable Lyrics: “Those things I did / Just so I could call you mine / The things you did / Well, I hope I was your favorite crime”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (this has become an alarming trait in the last half of SOUR… where did all the swearing go?)
• Analysis: If the large number of Olivia Rodrigo minimalist heartbreak piano ballads about toxic ex boyfriends give you the impression that she’s a bit of a victim, almost like crimes have been committed against her – WELL, okay, let’s just let that metaphor forge this song (including references to, bloody hands, fleeing the scene, alibis, sirens). Admittedly, Rodrigo never actually plays the victim in this song (or any other, really – she is always self-aware and critical of her own role she plays in bad relationships, whether it be from nativity or other factors – see “making the bed” below) and describes herself as an “accomplice” to her ex.  Despite some thematic repetition with other songs, I kinda dig this one. Not my favorite by far, but man… have I talked about how this woman can absolutely sing her fucking heart out when she chooses not to do the mumble thing?  

14. logical

• Memorable Lyrics: “The sky is green, the grass is red / And you mean all those words you said / I'm sure that girl is really your friend”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (hell)
• Analysis: “logical” is about as close to a SOUR-style minimalist heartbreak ballad as appears on all of GUTS, but you can still certainly see the growth (I'm not sure she'd open any song on her first album with the words "Master manipulator" - wow, she gets RIGHT TO THE POINT here). Although to be honest – this song is basically just “OPPOSITE DAY, THE SONG” where Rodrigo says some things that are the opposite of the truth, and then says things to indicate her relationship with her gaslighting douche boyfriend was perfectly fine. So yeah… okay… I guess that’s sarcastic, but it’s not quite as satisfying as how she uses sarcasm in songs like “good 4 u” or “happier.” There are some great lines in this song (by the way, any boyfriend who says Rodrigo "can’t get him off" is either gay or impotent, so that’s on him) and the callback to castle building means that the douche boyfriend here is almost certainly the same castle-building douche from “vampire” (earlier on the album, but not ranked here yet) but all that really does is remind me how much more I want to listen to “vampire” again instead. 

13. drivers license

• Memorable Lyrics: “Can't drive past the places we used to / go to / 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe”
• Number of Swear Words: 2 (fucking)
• Analysis: This was the song that introduced most people to Rodrigo and made her a star (it got her a Grammy too). In hindsight, it’s sort of surprising that this was the particular minimalist ballad about heartbreak that launched her career because this album is loaded with minimalist heartbreak ballads and this song doesn’t stand out to me as particularly above some of the others. What the fuck do I know though? Obviously it resonated with people, and yeah… I guess I can see how the lyrics about driving around the suburbs upset, angry, and reflecting over an ex she still has feelings for. Or maybe this was just the first time teen pop fans got to hear someone who really liked swearing drop f-bombs and that resonated with them because that’s actually how teenagers talk. Because FUCK YEAH.  

12. making the bed

• Memorable Lyrics: “Well, sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be where I am / Gettin' drunk at a club with my fair-weather friends”
• Number of Swear Words: 0
• Analysis: An introspective lil’ ditty that covers a theme that plays a secondary role in a lot of other songs on Rodrigo’s first two albums – that she only has herself to blame for a lot of the shit that she regrets in life. But most of those other songs where she admits to guilt / partial blame are related to relationships (in “traitor” she admits she sort of knew what was going on with her boyfriend but chose to ignore it in the hopes of staying together, in “favorite crime” she takes responsibility as an accomplice in the relationship, and the last half of “logical” admits she’s “half responsible” and wonders why she didn’t stop things when she knew she could have). This song instead looks at it more broadly towards dealing with her life as a whole – including the personal choices she’s made as she’s achieved fame and success which haven’t led her to the happiness she expected (I got the things I wanted / it's just not what I imagined) and even makes her think she's spiraling out of control (in a dream that could callback to “drivers license”). I like the song and agree that it’s pretty heartfelt and self-aware, but again… the themes of guilt and her making mistakes are already touched on elsewhere throughout the albums.

11. teenage dream 

• Memorable Lyrics: “Yeah, they all say that it gets better / It gets better / but what if I don't?”
• Number of Swear Words: 0
• Analysis: The last song on Rodrigo’s two albums, and almost assuredly a direct bookend reference to the lyric from “brutal” (aka the first song on her first album): “Where's my fucking teenage dream?” And what a bookend it was, because this one hit me a little harder than I thought it would. I suppose after 23 songs which I initially went into with a sort of a “eh, let’s see how this goes… I gotta do it for the rankings!” slow transformed into “well, Olivia Rodrigo is a damn gem.” Not only was my review ending, but on a pretty sad note, with Rodrigo pondering whether these two albums… her teenage experience… was the apex of her career and life and if it would be all downhill from here. And honestly? The way our culture loves to find fault in celebrities and tear them down (especially pop stars), it’s not a totally unfound fear. It is a pretty dark and pessimistic way to end the album – but on the bright side, I want to express my personal opinion that Rodrigo is wrong here and the best years are still to come. As a teenager you might think your teenage years will be the best – but your 20’s and especially 30’s are much better. When you’re a kid you think you’re old in your 30’s… but the truth is that’s gotta be the best decade. Now as someone who is in my 40’s, I can 100% tell you it’s all downhill after your 30’s. So good news, Livvy – no need to get all pessimistic now at 20. You’ve probably got another solid 20 years to go before your life will begin to become the spiral of awfulness you fear might happen now. 

10. ballad of a homeschooled girl

• Memorable Lyrics: “Thought your mom was your wife / Called you the wrong name twice /
• Can't think of a third line / [mutters for the rest of the song until giving out an exacerbated sigh]”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (that’s what happens when you are homeschooled, you don’t pick up all the cool curse words from classmates)
• Analysis: WELCOME TO THE TOP 10! This is a fun little song about social awkwardness. Most people can relate to embarrassing memories from their awkward teenage years, and for a while there during the COVID lockdowns literally EVERY kid was a homeschooled kid – starving developing young minds of the social interactions with other human beings they needed to grow into well-adjusted adults. Yeah, not a ton of things to say about this song. Per usual, very clever lyrics… but by the mid-point of GUTS it should be no surprise to a listener that Rodrigo is going to rapidly blast charmingly sharp lyrics about her crippling insecurities at you. 

9. the grudge

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I know in my heart hurt people hurt people / And we both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (fucking)
• Analysis: Like “logical,” this GUTS song initially felt like a call back to the types of songs that were on SOUR. However, “the grudge” instead rises above the minimalist heartbreak ballads with its immensely well-written, cutting, catchy and emotion-filled lines. Not that the other ballads weren’t emotional… but this song drips anger and bitterness over boring sadness. And technically I’m not sure the song is actually a heartbreak ballad, because while it might be an easy assumption this is about an ex boyfriend (the types of shitty things this person did to her in this song are similar to what she talks about in her other heartbreak songs), she doesn’t actually specify that this was an ex. And as with nearly every other song, Rodrigo’s refusal to actually confirm to anyone what / who the song is about makes it better – as she allows the listeners to fill in their own gaps and make it more relatable to everyone. In addition to the lyric quoted above, there are tons of others, but I also especially love the little mini “in my head” rant: “The arguments that I have won against you in my head / In the shower, in the car and in the mirror before bed / Yeah, I'm so tough when I'm alone and I make you feel so guilty / And I fantasize about a time you're a little fucking sorry.”  Any time I wanna have a good angry cry, I’ll queue this one up. 

8. deja vu

• Memorable Lyrics: “Do you call her / Almost say my name? / 'Cause let's be honest / We kinda do sound the same”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (shit)
• Analysis:  I think anyone who has been in a relationship with more than one person can relate to the awkwardness and strangeness of times when you do the same thing with one partner than you had done with another, so this is a cool concept that Rodrigo plays with lyrically. And unlike in many of her other "sad" ex songs on SOUR, this one fairly spiteful and vindictive (a “venom-filled diatribe” was one review's description), with Rodrigo openly mocking her ex for repeating the same things they did in their relationship with his new girl. Remember the pettiness of “happier”? It's here and MORE PETTY THAN EVER! And spiteful, vindictive and petty is a vibe that I LOVE and which works well for Rodrigo’s lyrical wittiness. Some of the “hmm”s and “huh”s as she ends verses add glorius additional spite. With the super specific examples she provides in the lyrics, you know that whichever ex this song is about 100% knows it’s about him and knows he’s been roasted. That guy can’t be happy about this song at all. But you who is happy about this song? Billy Joel. I'm sure he absolutely got THE RODRIGO BUMP in album sales after this dropped. 

7. love is embarrassing

• Memorable Lyrics: “'Cause now it don't mean a thing / God, love's fucking embarrassing”
• Number of Swear Words: 8 (3 fucking, 1 goddamn, 1 damn, 3 hell)
• Analysis: To avoid being influenced by anyone else who might be ranking these songs, I haven’t read any other rankings – but I imagine I probably rank this one above where others do, and I'm standing by it. This is a great song, and it is VERY Olivia Rodrigo. It’s like she’s admitting to how embarrassed she is about all her other sad love songs because why did she even waste her time caring about these losers in hindsight?  I think most people have ex’es and can relate with this strong embarrassment towards some of the things they did and think to themselves “why was I even sad when this horrible relationship ended?” Also, this song is also so wonderfully sacrilegious and vulgar: with  liberal use of God, goddamn, damn, hell, Jesus and crucifixion that is enough to make any Christian Rock band clutch their pearls and run away. 

6. brutal

• Memorable Lyrics: "And I'm not cool and I'm not smart / And I can't even parallel park" 
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (fucking)
• Analysis: Wow, okay. First impression from listening to the first song on Olivia Rodrigo’s first album. This is supposed to be “pop?” Because this sounds like rock to me. Is this what the rest of the album is going to be like? (Answer: No). But right off the bat after tricking you into thinking it will be some violin-backed soft song it goes into a grungy, heavily-distorted alt rock guitar riff and then sort of keeps kicking ass the whole time. It sounds much more like a No Doubt or Hole song than I was expecting. It has a fast pace (I mean all her songs do) and just keeps spitting out witty lyrics about her super-relatable anxieties and insecurities. And the tonal shift from the rocking out part of the chorus to a very comically spoken “God, it's brutal out here” is something that is so very awesome and so very Rodrigo (by GUTS she's officially the queen of using tonal shifts). Honestly, I love this song so much I keep thinking to myself "it can't possibly be all the way down at #6... it HAS to be ranked higher!" But then I look through the top 5 and I'm like "okay, well, I guess it's 6." 

5. good 4 u

• Memorable Lyrics: “I've lost my mind, I've spent the night / Crying on the floor of my bathroom”
• Number of Swear Words: 2 (fuck & damn)
• Analysis: The best song on SOUR, this is truly the most sour of them all. Rodrigo at her best. Yes, it’s yet another song about a shitty ex – but Rodrigo enhances the spite from “deja vu” and “happier” up to 11 with heavy doses of sarcasm. I mean this song is ALL SARCASM, NON-STOP. The song has an absolute rock sound as is what they call “a bop,” my friends. There was some criticism thrown at this song being similar to Paramore’s “Misery Business” (and Paramore was eventually given co-writing credit), and while I can certainly see some inspiration, music has always been about being inspired by what came before, so I think most of the criticism is bullshit. Although some people have made mashups of this song with “Misery Business” are those are bangers too. Anyway, GREAT SONG with such witty (and yet vulnerable, awwww) lyrics. Fortunately for Rodrigo’s follow-up album, a lot of songs will lean more in this song’s rock-inspired, clever and sarcastic direction than they leaned towards SOUR’s minimalist dreamy piano/acoustic heartbreak ballads. And that summary there should therefore make the remaining top 4 fairly obvious. 

4. bad idea right?

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I told my friends I was asleep / But I never said where (or in whose sheeeeeets)”
• Number of Swear Words: 3 (2 fuck and 1 fucked)
• Analysis: Another ex boyfriend song? Well, on GUTS Olivia Rodrigo has moved beyond being sad about her ex-es. She’s mostly moved on to being healthily vindictive, ashamed, sarcastic, and spiteful. But in this particular song, she’s going all-in on an unhealthy post-breakup hookup with an ex that she knows is a 100% terrible decision. This is a fun, poppy song about absolutely awful and horny decision-making and I am here for it. As long as you are self-aware that you are making a very poor decision, and you stand by it, then you will not feel like the naïve idiot you have admitted to feeling like in other songs. The lyrics to this one are fun, come at you fast, and overall it’s a masterfully crafted and super catchy pop song. If the “my brain goes, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / like blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh” doesn’t earworm in your head for the next 20 minutes… then you might not be alive.  

3. get him back!

• Memorable Lyrics: “He had an ego and a temper and a wandering eye / He said he's six-foot-two, and I'm like, ‘Dude, nice try’”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (shit)
• Analysis: The idea behind this song is simple: “get him back” has double meanings that are polar opposites. She either wants to rekindle the relationship with her ex or get sweet, sweet revenge on him. So which is it? Both! And in this case, my description of “simple” is in no way an insult. Sometimes the simple concepts are the best. I heard this song before it was released as a single (and started appearing in iPhone commercials) and I knew this was going to be a single because no way was this BOPFEST not going to chart. Sarcastic, clever, at times petty, always funny… and sort of a twin song with “bad idea right?” earlier in the album (the GUTS punctuation duo) in that it’s a fun “ex” song that ponders bad decision-making that she knows is bad (“But I am my father's daughter / so maybe I could fix him”: she knows it’s a bad idea, we know it’s a bad idea, everybody knows). I knew these two songs would be ranked back-to-back near the top, but I debated which one I liked more. In the end – the double meaning wins. This is such a satisfyingly catchy song with what is essentially a pun gluing the whole thing together.  

2. all-american bitch

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I make light of the darkness / I've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket”
• Number of Swear Words: 5 (motherfuckin, goddamn, bitch, fucking x 2)
• Analysis: Just like her debut album kicked off with a pretty awesome song that sounds more rock than pop, so too does GUTS open with a guitar heavy BANGER that kicks ass. Let me tell you, of all the pop rock songs out there which are named after Joan Didion essays and which address issues of repressed anger related to gender roles and how a women and girls should “properly behave” – this is absolutely my favorite. Admittedly I am not aware of any other songs like that, but if there were I am fairly sure this would still be my favorite. This is almost good enough to be my favorite Olivia Rodrigo song period, but as you can see from the rankings I eventually went another direction. It was pretty hard to choose simply one quote for the memorable lyrics section above since this song is LOADED with hot lines (“I got class and integrity / Just like a goddamn Kennedy”,  “I know my age, and I act like it”, “ I know my place, and this is it”, and so on).  Her lines are shot at you rapid fire and as you’re still processing what you just heard, she keeps dropping more and more quotable quotes. The song’s alternation between her using a sort of angelic singsong voice and a shouty Riot grrrl voice is great. It’s snarky, witty, funny, political, intelligent, and it rocks out. 

1. vampire

• Memorable Lyrics: “Ooh, what a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked-up little thrill / Can't figure out just how you do it, and God knows I never will / Went for me, and not her / Cause girls your age know better”
• Number of Swear Words: 7 (3 fucker, 1 fucked and 3 goddamn)
• Analysis: Well, this is it. This is the best Olivia Rodrigo song. Is it basic bitch-ey of me to pick this? Maybe. Of COURSE it’s going to be a song about an ex, but we have long since departed the sad, broken-hearted young Rodrigo from “drivers license.” This Rodrigo is the spiteful, vindictive, petty, sarcastic, witty, embarrassed for her past naïvety, and totally self-aware Rodrigo that we can hear in songs like good 4 u, deja vu, love is embarrassing, etc, and she is ready to TORCH her ex and won’t even let anyone piss on him to put the fire out. The song is lyrically about a toxic and draining relationship with an older, nightlife-living, self-interested, social climber of an ex boyfriend (although the term “social climber” is now dead to me and I will only use the term “famefucker”) who she was naïve enough to date at such a young age, and which she now recognizes was totally unfulfilling and essentially “six months of torture.” Rodrigo’s uses of the vampire metaphor to describe the relationship are on point and show her her chops as a lyricist. Like a few of the songs above, having to pick the memorable lyrics quote above was a near impossible task because this song is just a barrage of great lines. While some people have theorized that the song isn’t really about a boyfriend (obviously songs can be based on multiple things, so perhaps it’s not ONLY about past boyfriends), I seriously doubt the theory out there that this is about a girl feud with… uhm… some lady… Travis Kelce’s girlfriend or something? I’m not familiar with her. In fact, there are two men who Rodrigo dated between SOUR and GUTS whose biographies match up pretty similar to the famefucking vampire of this song. If I were either of these two guys I would never show my face in public again because Olivia Rodrigo MURDERED THEM WITH GARLIC AND A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART AND BY PUTTING THEM OUT IN THE SUN AND WHATEVER OTHER THINGS KILL VAMPIRES BECAUSE GODDDDDAAAAAMN SHE DROPPED A NUCLEAR BOMB OF A DISS TRACK HERE. This is like the harshest diss track since NWA broke up and they all started talking shit about each other. And musically, the song constantly builds from a slow piano ballad to a more pop/electronic/club track with a catchy beat, before ending as a guitar and drum-flooded song that many have described as a “rock opera.” Olivia Rodrigo is by no means a “pop princess” after this song. She is a ROCKSTAR. Excuse me, I meant a FUCKING ROCKSTAR.

Well, that was that. I hope you liked it. Although in hindsight I'm starting to wonder. Is this really a topic I should have done? Did I do proper analysis and listen to the songs enough times to make a fair call? This is a 5200+ word essay on Olivia Rodrigo songs. Is anyone going to even read all of it? Do I need to trim it down and make it shorter? Does THIS count as a Halloween-themed post because vampire? Do I... 

...fuck it, it's fine.