Ed Ranks Lost Films of 1910 Based on How Much they Sound Like Pornos

Oh yeah. This is gonna be HOT!

I've done this before with Shakespeare, but I'm sort of lazy... so why not do the same joke again? Many early films made were tragically lost, so that we can never see what they were. Other films were fortunately lost, because they were probably awful, so good riddance. I'm going to pretend that these 22 films of 1910, now gone forever, were all pornos. And I will rank them accordingly by how appealing the titles are for said assumed genre.


22. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Yikes. I do not want to imagine this Harriet Beecher Stowe classic about slavery re-imagined as a 1910 silent porno.

21. The Writing on the Wall - The title of this film does not sound like adult entertainment at all, however a synopsis of the story actually sort of does sound like one ("a young girl named Grace who becomes attracted to a wealthy man named Jack"...).

20. Moonlite - Doesn't sound much like a porno at all, does it? It's apparently about an Australian bushranger, and it's surprisingly not the only lost 1910 film about a bushranger. The other film will have a much better name for a porno though.

19. Avenged - Definitely more of an action revenge drama film title than anything else. This is about a guy trying to get revenge for being crippled by a taxi cab that hit him. Odd. I hope it starred whoever the 1910 version of Liam Neeson was.

18. Jane Eyre - I mean this could be a porn parody about the Charlotte Brontë (aka "Currer Bell") novel and character, but not really. If it were, it would more be like "NOT Jane Eyre XXX."

17. The Woman Hater - Most porn films are pretty misogynistic, but even with that knowledge I don't think many would have a title like this.

16. Mother - A few years ago, I would say this doesn't sound anything conceivably like a porno. But nowadays with all the "stepmom" and "stepsister" stuff that's on the interwebs, I guess there is a market out there for disgusting freaks who should be thrown into the pit of despair.

15.  John Halifax, Gentleman - Not a great title, but the "Gentleman" part gives it a dynamic where I could say, "Yeah, I suppose." I guess it all depends on the DVD cover.

14. Paul and Virginia - Sure, I guess this could be the name of a porno, but it would probably be a pretty boring one. It's more like a couples webcam name than a porno flick.

13. Thelma - I'm not saying that a singular female name can't work as a porno title. But "Thelma" is not a very erotic name at all. Though maybe rednecks in the Ozarks will be into this.

12. The Girls He Left Behind Him and The Iron Clad Lover - Actually two short films released together on one reel. Even though the quasi-connected films feature words such as "girls" and "iron clad lover" in the titles, neither really works that much. Although the sudden switch from one short story to another unconnected one in theory does sound very porno-ey. 

11. An Assisted Elopement - Despite having the word "elopement" in it, which directly implies a sudden and/or impulsive romantic engagement, this is not very erotic-sounding. The "assisted" part doesn't help either. Unless you think about it in a different way, in which case... eh... maybe?

10. The Best Man Wins - Sure, this could work. Either over a bunch of guys competing over a girl, or as man-on-man flick. Whatever you're looking for.

Tangled Lives: the scene before the ball gag comes out.

9. Tangled Lives - This certainly works as an S&M title, right?

8.  The Convict - Could be a prison porno.

7. Cupid at the Circus - Cupid represents love, which works. However, the setting at the circus would make me think that this film has a bunch of clown sex in it. No thank you.

6. Hypnotized - More like a Cinemax late night softcore title.

5. The Mermaid - I assume there has to be some scene like in The Little Mermaid when she gets legs. Because otherwise someone is going to be having sex with the fish half and eww.

4. The Squatter's Daughter - The word "squatter" works in its own way that was surely unintended in 1910. However, you can fill in the blank with basically any word within "The ____'s Daughter" and it could rank fairly high on this list.

3. The Life and Adventures of John Vane, the Notorious Australian Bushranger - It would work better if it was John Vein, but I still think this is a solid porno title. Come on. Bushranger! Hell yeah.

2. The Englishman and the Girl - Yep, definitely sounds like a porno and not like a D. W. Griffith film about a bunch of people putting on a Pocahontas-like play, starring Mary Pickford.

1. Mistress and Maid - It's going to take a lot of convincing for me to NOT believe this is a porno. Are the mistress and maid two different people? The same person? It doesn't matter, since it works either way. 

Ed Ranks Mining Damps

Basically the same security practices in 2020.

After an initial study of advanced data analytics, I have determined that 106% of Ed Ranks Everything readers are grizzled, old coal miners. Or maybe it was "minors." I dunno. Anyway, based on that, I have decided to really aim at the heart of the juicy types of things my regular audience (of about 4) wants to read. Mining shit!

"Damps" are types of gasses that you can find in coal mines. None of them are particularly good. Odd word, right? It comes from the  Middle Low German word "dampf," meaning vapor. There are five types of damps. Here they are, ranked.

5. Blackdamp (AKA Choke Damp) -  Worst of all damps. The nickname of choke damp says it all. It is a suffocating mixture of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and water vapor. Fun, right? I mean, maybe if you're into being asphyxiated by gas, rather than a leather-bound mistress.This one, like whitedamp, produces no smell. It works slowly to deprive you of oxygen, so most people breathing it in just figure that they are having normal symptoms of fatigue associated with the rough labor job of coal mining. Worst of all, blankdamp can just exist in mines without you doing anything dump to make gases appear like igniting something. The equally deadly and odorless whitedamp at least needs to be ignited to start leaking out.

4. Whitedamp -  This is just another name for carbon monoxide. Just like the leaks you might get in your house, this is highly dangerous due to being both toxic and explosive, yet lacking a warning smell. This will kill you. As the ranking for blackdamp implied, this carbon monoxide can't just start forming on its own though, and it required an act of combustion to start it going. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean some idiot has to light a fire down there to set it off. Something as innocuous as the atmosphere can make coal begin burning very slowly. So slowly that it's not even noticed, and releasing carbon monoxide.

3. Firedamp - This refers to nearly any mixture of flammable gases, principally methane. Probably not good to have in a cave, right? Of course not, because it can blow up and kill you. I'd say being blown up is slightly better than being slowly chocked to death, right? Because at least it's instant. Though you might think methane stinks (if you think of farts), it's actually odorless like the first two and the smell you get from methane actually comes from other gasses that usually form along with it. If you're smelling something in a cave, it ain't firedamp. It's stinkdamp.

2. Afterdamp - This is a mixture of gases (carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, nitrogen, and others) produced following explosions of firedamp (or coal dust). I guess it's good that this is what happens after an explosion, because it won't catch you by surprise like some of the other damps. The other ones can sneak up on you and kill you, but this is pretty predictable because it only comes after a mine has had an explosion, so you know what you're getting into.

1. Stinkdamp - This usually refers to hydrogen sulfide, which is both toxic and explosive. But on the good side? The "stink" part of it. Since it's easily detectable by the "rotten egg" smell, you're not going to walk into it and kill yourself. Unless you're pretty dumb. Let's not pretend that stinkdamp is good. It can still suffocate you. It can still blow up. But all things considered, if your cave is going to be full of deadly gasses, you should hope that you can at least smell them.

Ed Ranks Suggested Things to Eat Green Eggs and Ham In, On, and With

I would have the same face, my man.

Sam-I-Am offered the unnamed protagonist (sometimes known as "Guy-I-Am") twelve different locations or things to eat "Green Eggs and Ham" with. Note that "Anywhere" was never offered by Sam-I-Am, yet the protagonist typically ended his refusals with "I will not eat them anywhere." So technically, "anywhere" was never actually suggested. And this is Ed Ranks Suggested Things to Eat Green Eggs and Ham In, On and With.

Why are these things green by the way? Do they come from a strange variety of animal? Are they vegan-friendly plant products meant to imitate eggs and ham? Have the just gone really bad?

I do not try to answer those questions here. All I do is rank.

12. With a Mouse - This is a bad idea, and basically how the Black Plague started. Do not share your food with mice, even if you've got a pretty good feeling that the mouse is clean.

11. In a Tree - Very impractical. Eggs are messy enough as they are, and I can see someone falling off a branch while trying to eat them.

10. In a Box - What kind of shitty-ass solitary confinement Abu Ghraib suggestion is this? Maybe children eating food inside of a box is fun, if the kids are imagining that the box is something else. Like they're pretending it's a submarine, or a car, or whatever kids wish to imagine. Still, that kid shouldn't be eating there.

Cute enough, but a filthy damn thief!

9. With a Fox - I'm not sure what diseases foxes carry. They're related to dogs, so they can't be that bad, right? Still, if this is a wild fox, it would be very silly to eat eggs and ham with it. The fox likely just wants to steal it from you anyway, and run off. Oh, those tricky foxes!

8. In the Rain - I guess you could if you wanted to go for that John Cusack effect. Still, doesn't seem like the wisest choice. All that rain water getting in your eggs? The ham should be fine, but how well your eggs hold up in the rain depends on how they are cooked. Hard boiled would be your best choice, but the eggs in the illustrations definitely look sunny side up. Perhaps they are over easy. But either way, as soon as you burst that egg yolk, that rain is going to make a puddle on your plate.

7. On a Train - While I'm overall agnostic about how these eggs and ham became green for these rankings, I just gotta say that if it's Amtrak that serves you green eggs and ham for breakfast, that is MOLD my friend.

6. In the Dark - How would you eat them in the dark if you can't even see them? Or is this just a metaphor for "at night," in which case you're likely stopping in at an IHOP or Dennys at 3AM to eat green eggs and ham after a night of drinking. Who am I to judge?

5. With a Goat - I mean this is a pretty strange fetish you're carrying out if you say "yes," so I can see why the protagonist said "no." A strange man comes up to you (a man who you expressly say that you do not like) and offers you eggs and ham that are an unusual color AND to eat them with a goat. I can understand why this is so off-putting.

4. Here and There - Pretty generic. Is Sam-I-Am only referring to two places, or is this more of an idiom to represent the aforementioned "Everywhere." Obviously the protagonist took it to mean the latter, based on his response.

Go ahead and pair it with a Rt. 44-sized cherry limeade.

3. In a Car - Sort of sad and pathetic, but sure. Why not? Go ahead and eat your green eggs and ham in your car. I won't ask why. Did you get them in drive through? If so, what place sells green eggs... and are you sure you should be eating that? Or maybe your spouse kicked you out of the house and you're now living in the car. No matter what, you might want to reconsider whatever life choices led you to eating green eggs and ham in a car.

2. On a Boat - A small canoe or fishing boat? No. Bad idea. If we're talking about a yacht with a chef on it, this sounds like a fabulous way to begin a morning going through the Mediterranean isles like the rich baller you are who can eat genetically modified chicken and pig products that you paid thousands of dollars for.

1. In a House - Logically, this is the best and most valid location where you should eat green eggs and ham. An alternative is at a restaurant, but those all might be shut down by some COVID-like crisis caused by morons eating their food with mice, foxes, and goats.

Ed Ranks the Things on this Kid's Rug

You know this rug. You've seen this rug before. Chances are, you had this rug.  Here are the things on it, ranked.

18. No Fucking Clue (C) - What is this? It's a tiny parking lot with a red box next to it. Even zooming in on a higher-quality image of this carpet gives me no idea as to what this small, red box (on a small pole) is supposed to be.

17. Apartment Complex? (B) - This one is cut off, so I'm not 100% sure it's an apartment. But it looks like it is. Right?

16. Bus Stop (O) - Odd choice, but okay. Public transportation is a good thing to have. Kids would probably prefer a train station though. Maybe we can pretend that L is a train station, but the tracks are cut off. 

15. Uhh... Other School? (L) - Since I've decided that K (see below) is already a school... I'm not sure what L is supposed to represent. Is it ANOTHER school? Or maybe it's a high school while K is an elementary school. Geez, I dunno. Maybe it's a mansion?

14. Office Building, I suppose (D) - This one is tall..Let's say it's an office!

13. Burger Restaurant? (A) - I'm not actually sure what this is. The white sign on the side is vaguely shaped like a hamburger. So I'm guessing this is like they're generic McDonalds. Or maybe not.

12. Post Office & Phone Booth (I) - I would assume this is just a house, except that it has an envelope on it. And what's up with the phone booth? That's a blast from the past, huh?

11. Hot Dog Stand? (M) - Hot dog stand is my only guess for what the hell this is, with accompanying seating with umbrellas. If it's not that, I don't know what it is.

10. Church (G) - With two steeples, obviously representing Peter and Paul, respectively. If I'm going to speculate other things about this church without evidence, I might as well make up some other juicy shit. For example, this church was one of the places that the Catholics shuffled a molesting priest to back in day, when they kept moving them all around to avoid making the news. It's a good thing that the staff of the Boston Globe (Hulk, Batman, Christine Palmer, Sabretooth, and Howard Stark) uncovered at that shit. Yeah, Spotlight had a lot of comic book movie actors in it.

9. Airport (Q) - No damn way is this ho-dink town with barely any housing deserving of a major airport. And that is a major airport. Look at that plane! That's like a big-ass Boeing 737. That's no regional puddle jumper. Fun for a kid to play with, but impractical!

8. Houses (R) - So apparently someone lives here after all. A whole three damn row houses.

7. Parking Lot (H) - Pretty boring, though I suppose this town needs some parking. For practicality of what this floor mat is, I guess this makes sense. Kids will have a bunch of toy cars to play with, and parking extra toy cars here is this spot is cool. I would have never ranked a parking lot so high otherwise without this fact. It's sort of a free-for-all "dump all your favorite cars here on the map" zone that allows a kid to have a lot of cars out.

6. Park / Playground (E) - Rather than defining this pond, a picnic of people under an umbrella, and a swing set as three different things, I'm going to go ahead and say that all three together form Park Slash Playground.

5. Auto Repair Shop (F) - This is pretty recognizable, but the scale is wrong. How can this auto repair shop be almost as tall as a church and office building? How high up do they need to raise these cars?

4. Hospital (J) - Yeah, seems legit. This should be here.

3. Police Station (P) - Basically every kid has a toy police car among their collection of cars, so this (along with fire truck and hospital) are a must.

2. School (K) - Nobody seems to even live in this town since there are barely any damn houses. So I'm not sure why it needs a school. But yeah, I guess putting a school on a play rug for kids is important. Also, this school is designed so that it has two towers that look like pencils! How cool would that actually be if you went to a castle-looking school with pencil towers.

1. Fire Station (N) - If you made a children's play mat to look like a town, and it DIDN'T have a fire station on it, I believe you could legally be arrested.

Ed Ranks the Things the Romans Did For Judea

Oh yeah! Aqueduct time!

Here are the the things the Romans did for Judea, ranked. Note that I am using Monty Python's The Life of Brian as the only research source for this.

10. Roads - What would people do without roads? Just stay in one place, I suppose. Roads are a good add-on (unless your society is sheltering in place under a pandemic, in which case these are not needed).

9. Wine - Very important. We'd really miss that if the Romans left.

8. Irrigation - Pretty closely related to the "sanitation" and "fresh water system" covered elsewhere, but I suppose the specific nuance on this one is the watering of crops. Again, very important for food production in society.  Especially in a place like Judea, which looks pretty dry and sandy.

7. Brought Peace - Peace, instead of war, is typically a good thing, right? 

6. Sanitation - This one is pretty important. Gotta stay clean and flush all that doo-doo away. This helps prevent plagues, etc.

5. Education - Gotta have a smart people, so education is key to society. 

4. The Fresh-Water System / "The Aqueduct" - Important. You don't want to drink stank-ass water that will make you sick. 

3. Medicine - Yep, medicine is good. Combined with the other things, a pretty good thing to keep people alive.

2. Public Order - Law and order, fighting crime, etc. All very essential things.

1. Public Health - This one is fairly general, and a lot of the other things (fresh water, medicine, sanitation, are arguable sub-sets of this one).

Ed Ranks the Seven Chakras

I know nothing about esoteric Hindu, Buddhist, Vedic, or Tantra practices, but I will pretend to be fully qualified to rank these "energy channels" across the body. Or whatever they are. Again. Not. Qualified. At. All.

7. Muladhara

• Meaning: Root
• Location: Base of spine (or " coccygeal plexus beneath the sacrumit," if you're a medical doctor and that means something to you)
• Color: Red
• Explanation: The foundation of the "energy body" where awakening begins. Also associated with taking dumps, which is really weird. 
• Analysis: I'm not sure how I feel about a dump-taking Chakra.

6. Manipura

• Meaning: City of Jewels, or Resplendent Gem
• Location: Navel
• Color: Yellow
• Explanation: Associated with fire, but also the power of transformation and self-discovery. It is also believed to be related to digestion, as one would assume for something right on the belly.
• Analysis: This seems less like some important thing for spiritual healing and more like some powerful energy one needed to harness that is now made obsolete after the invention of Pepto-Bismol. But yeah, I suppose that fire and self-discovery stuff is okay too.

5. Vishuddha

• Meaning: Purest
• Location: Throat
• Color: Blue
• Explanation: Associated with purification, creativity, and self-expression. Success or failure in life may depend on how "clean" this Chakra is for you. Also associated with space (ether) and enjoyment.
• Analysis: I'm not sure what type of kinky stuff people are into when they think of having a blue throat purify you and allow for greater creativity. I guess some folks just like to be choked. Who am I to judge?

4. Anahata

• Meaning: Unhurt / Unstruck / Unbeaten
• Location: Heart
• Color: Green
• Explanation: Associated with balance, calmness, and serenity. Represents the interaction between two things, and the ability to balance or integrate such interactions to allow for cooperation and peace.
• Analysis: Aww, the heart resolved and moderates all conflicts. What a lovely thought! And nice work slipping the Star of David in there. Think we wouldn't notice?

3. Svadhishthana

• Meaning: Where the self /your being is established
• Location: Crotch
• Color: Orange
• Explanation: Associated with creation, pleasure, sense of oneself, relationships, sensuality and procreation. Well... obviously. What else do you expect for the ol' orange crotch chakra?
• Analysis: This one is just fun! Is that supposed to be a crescent moon or a "fun hole?"

2. Sahasrara

• Meaning: Thousand-petaled
• Location: Crown / Halo
• Color: Violet or Multi-colored
• Explanation: Highest spiritual center, pure consciousness, containing neither object nor subject. Associated with "Great Bliss." All other Chakras emanate from this one.
• Analysis: I mean, if this is your "highest spirituality," consciousness itself, and the thing from which all other Chakras emanate, it seems a little over-powered. Like Superman.

1. Ajna

• Meaning: Command
• Location: Third Eye, on forehead or between eyebrows
• Color: Indigo
• Explanation: The subconscious mind, and the part of the brain that can become more powerful through mediation. Able to reveal insights about the future, connect people to their intuition, give them the ability to communicate with the world, or help them receive messages from the past and the future.
• Analysis: Who can argue with the awesomeness of a future-seeing third eye?

Ed Ranks Replies to an Old Article about Danish Slaughter Laws

This helpful chart was used 0 times when formulating replies.

I have ranked replies to the Reply Section of an article before, but I think I have just found the ultimate article: Denmark bans kosher and halal slaughter as minister says 'animal rights come before religion'.

A quick summary of the facts:  EU law says that animals must be stunned before they are killed. An exception had previously been made for halal, kosher, and other religious slaughter to continue without stunning. Due to concerns that this was cruel to animals, Denmark eliminated that exception.

Is the headline a little misleading? Sure, as it was written to appear as if Denmark was directly banning certain religious diets. It obviously did not. The Independent is, like pretty much most British newspapers, a little tabloid-ey.

The article came out in February of 2014, which now makes it over 6 years old. Why dig up and talk about an over 6-year-old article? Easy! Because this is the PERFECT type of internet article for an awful, awful, shit-filled comments section. Why? I'm glad you asked! Because, it will attract:

• People who only ready the sensational headline, and not the more detailed nuances about the facts themselves.
• Religious people who think this is a horrible attack on religion in general.
• People who think this is a horrible attack on Judaism. 
• People who think this is a horrible attack on Islam.
• People who hate religion.
• People who are antisemitic. 
• People who are anti-Muslim. 
• People who are animal rights activities, and believe all harm to animals must end. 
• People who are vegans, who believe meat must be banned. 
• People who are ravenous anti-animal rights activists and anti-vegans who take every chance they can to go to find subjects about meat and attack vegans and animal rights activism.
• People who love Denmark.
• People who fucking hate Denmark. 
• People who love the EU. 
• People who fucking hate the EU.
• People who are run of the mill internet trolls and assholes.

Mix all of these together, and you get a whopping 850 comments in reply to this article. Some of the comments are listed as being posted "1 year ago." And this is to a 6-year-old article! So even 5 years later, some of the above are still having a go at this one!  Trust me, the comments don't stick to the issues of this actual article either. If you want to know about Danish (and Faeroe Island) practices related to dolphin and whale slaughter, or if you want to have a debate about genital mutilation, you will find that you have oddly somehow come to the correct place in this article about meat!

I will obviously not rank 850 comments. I must ignore a vast majority of the comments, including pretty much all comments made by people trying to make valid, logical points about how this is a complex issue where some sensitivity and balance is needed.

Here are the top 20 crazy fucking comments, ranked. There are a lot more than just those 20 gems, so maybe go and click the link and visit the batshit craziness yourself!

This article will obviously contain pictures of meat for reference.

20. everett lunday

• The Reply: Meat is murder, very tasty murder. Now who wants some nice lamb chops?
• Analysis: Very lazy reply, repeating an old, old joke. Still a classic though.

19. eddie too

• The Reply: does the danish parliament believe it is ok to inflict pain on a wasp (a living animal) but not on a cow? what is the logic behind allowing the killing of a wasp without anestheticizing it, but not a cow?
• Analysis: eddie too has several replies, all of which were basic spins on the same idea which proved that that he did not know the biological differences between cows and insects.

18. Slap7

• The Reply: It’s about time there was a public drive against these religious fascists, not just against cruelty to animals, but also against face coverings, & other religious nonsense.
• Analysis: Article about meat laws? Better start talking about how I don't like brown women with those veils on their faces!

17. Thomas Stratford

• The Reply: Typical of the ignorant animal rights nutters. As if animals in the wild die quick, painless, and "humane" deaths. Next up the morons will grant them voting rights.
• Analysis: Tommy here isn't the only person in the replies to imply that killing animals humanely is a slippery slope to animals being able to vote (probably Tory, I assume). However, he does do it in a more succinct manner, which I appreciate given how long and tedious many of the rants were.

16. MRegev

• The Reply: Those of you who say that Denmark is open to other religions are wrong. Not only has Denmark banned kosher and Halal slaughter, but there is also talk in Denmark of banning circumcision. Denmark might as well declare itself a ’judenrein’ zone.
• Analysis: A reply that only came 5 years after the article was posted. Started out normal enough and similar to many other posts, but then escalated into DENMARK IS THE SAME NAZIS DURING THE HOLOCAUST really quickly. Yikes.

"Thank God for the Danes" -  also said by Volbeat fans.

15. telbertinoutremer

• The Reply: Thank God for the Danes. To hell with the barbaric middle eastern religious sadists. We need som BALLS in Britoland do the same
• Analysis: Argument duly noted, person who undoubtedly voted for Brexit two years after writing this.

14. Gunny G Alz

• The Reply: As Europe descends into darkness yet AGAIN, I pray that the USA doesn’t have to shed our sacred blood, yet AGAIN! Twice was enough.
• Analysis: There are many dumb Americans who caught this viral news story when it hit in 2014. None is probably a better representation of the term "American Idiot" more than this dumbass who thought the controversy over meat laws in Denmark meant that we might have to rally up the PT landing boats again and storm fucking Europe. Also, American blood is somehow more sacred than other people's blood it would seem. Do I believe that too? Of course. It's called "American Exceptionalism."

13. Benswana

• The Reply: If you are very Christian (like me), then you will know we are not allowed to eat Kosher/Halal meat because it has been slaughtered to a false idol, you should be in favour of this....
• Analysis: I gotta admit, I was not expecting anyone to start throwing "false idols" into the mix. Especially someone who is too stupid to recognize that the "don't worship false idols" thing is literally from the Hebrew Bible.

12. colin nicholas

• The Reply: Religion comes to us from the days of great ignorance, superstition and magic. But nowadays we are being educated beyond religions and gods. Our ancestors made-up more than 3500 gods, from Apollo to Zeus, and from Brahma and Vishnu to Isis and Huitzilopochtli. It’s what they did in ancient times because they didn’t know the difference between the real and the imagined. It’s time we said no to the cruelty of religious traditions. More and more we have to look to science to understand existence, our origins, and actual knowledge rather than ancient superstitions.
• Analysis: Fuck, this lazy shitpost probably doesn't deserve to make the top 20 out of 800+ solid other replies of craziness. Yet anyone who is willing to somehow fit a reference about Huītzilōpōchtli, god of the sun and war, in reply to this article is worth getting a thumbs up from me.

11. noumenal

• The Reply: Ritual slaughter is just one of countless abominations committed against animals to fill the bellies of our insatiable carnivores, but if meat eaters cannot even have the decency to slaughter the animals they consume by using the least cruel and inhumane technology available, then it becomes apparent that Humanity is devoid of humanity. Leonardo da Vinci did not partake of any animal food whatsoever. He was born in 1452 and there was no Holland and Barrett in those days.In his Notebooks (published by Oxford University Press)he stated as follows: “’King of Animals’, as thou has been described. I should rather say, ‘King of Beasts’, thou being the greatest, because thou dost only help them in order that they may give thee thy children for the benefit of thy gullet of which thou hast tried to make a sepulchre for all animals.----Now does not Nature produce enough simple (vegetarian) food for thee to satisfy thyself? And if thou art not content with such, canst thou not by the mixture of them make infinite compounds as Platina describes, and other writers on food?”
• Analysis: Someone literally thought that the way to "win" the comments section was by quoting Leonardo da Vinci. Is this an actual quote? Maybe. I don't care enough to look it up. I just don't see how a dead Italian guy from 500 years ago matters here.

Didn't think priest sex scandals could be worked in? They can!

10. third_coming

• The Reply: Hope they can ban christianity and catholic churches too because of all the child abuses. doesn’t seem to stop and and made itself a tradition...They should ban foie gras and any non free range animal meat. While at it they should just ban eating meat altogether. No one can say stunning is painless or  doesn’t cause suffering. Every animal locked and forced into a device is making animal suffer. Lets get this false animal rights advocation out of the discussion. Right wing snowflakes have never been worried about animal rights before wonder why they are here and not in the article about christian religious men raping kids.
• Analysis: This is actually two replies instead of one, but they were posted at the same time, so I just merged them together. And these are another two that were posted together 1 year ago, five years after the article was posted. Yeah. So this person gets points for being angry about this a half decade later, as well as for mixing anti-religion with animal rights! A double whammy!

9. Harriet Startling-Grope Forsyth

• The Reply: also the nazis were creators of the first animal rights laws werent they? ==== There was widespread support for animal welfare in Nazi Germany[1] and the Nazis took several measures to ensure protection of animals.[2] Many Nazi leaders, including Adolf Hitler and Hermann Göring, were supporters of animal protection. Several Nazis were environmentalists, and species protection and animal welfare were significant issues in the Nazi regime.[3] Heinrich Himmler made an effort to ban the hunting of animals.[4] Göring was an animal lover and conservationist.[5] The current animal welfare laws in Germany are modified versions of the laws introduced by the Nazis
• Analysis: This person wins an award for "Name that is So British it can't possibly be real."  It also makes the super awesome "HITLER WAS A VEGETARIAN" argument, which is, you know, the fucking dumbest argument in the world. Hitler breathed oxygen too, Harriet. Maybe you should fight Hitler's legacy by holding your breath, like, forever.

8. PhillipMcAllist

• The Reply: It is sad to see the Jews befriend their sworn enemies--the muslims--on this issue.  It seems we have left this issue of animal slaughter to the "religious experts" for two millennia. Far too long. It’s now time for a rational approach.  Let us end the cruel, superstitious slaughter of animals--now.
• Analysis: This asshole's whole takeaway from this is, "Wow, it's sad that a controversy like this might bring Jews and Muslims together on the same side of an issue. They should get back to what they should be doing instead - endless centuries of religious warfare against one another."

7. Spigot

• The Reply: The one thing that unites Jews and Muslims is cruelty to animals. Religion is a curse on the world.
• Analysis: This person had a more optimistic look on Jews and Muslims being on the same side of an issue than PhillipMcAllist did, it seems. So that's a step in the right direction, right?

Let me tell you about my religion!

6. kingpr2k

• The Reply: It is the concept of absolute religious freedom that is wrong. Suppose my religion required me to sacrifice a virgin at sunrise on midsummer’s day at stonehenge (or some such). I don’t think any sensible person would accept the religious freedom argument. and why not? Because they would say, "that may have been accepted practice in primitive times but modern society cannot condone it". What’s the difference? Now you can argue about what the most humane way (if any) is of killing an animal but that is a separate question but you can never say that you have an absolute right to practice your religion the way you want. The only reason there is a fuss here is because it involves large, well organised religious groups who often appeal to persecution as a let out clause but the logical extension of this argument would allow me to sacrifice virgins
• Analysis: So this guy is saying that since halal and kosher meat exists, he should also be allowed to sacrifice virgins? That's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for him.  

5. ThinkFree

• The Reply: A step-towards a world free of religion, yes I am openly against religion, only because I think rationally. I am a Humanist, Secularist and an Atheist. I think it is a disgrace how any religion is able to affect the welfare of any animal. I am in no way saying Denmark are ’forgiven’ in respect to the Faroe Island as it is very primitive because inhabitants only used to do it due to freezing cold conditions and severe lack of food. It greatly upsets me that we think that we can treat other living beings in these ways, what gives us the right? Because we are the most dominant? RUBBISH. Hence why I live my life by making sure if I do eat meat, it is organic and I know where it is sourced from. In regards to it being ’Anti-Semitic’, it is a country taking a stand against religion and not letting a farfetched story affect the lives of other living beings. Well done Denmark.
• Analysis: There are many, many, many annoying replies by assholes here. Yet if you want to sort through them all and find the one with the person who sounds like the most annoying, pseudo-intellectual douchezzzle who thinks they are above all other human beings, and that their brain power is superior to lesser man, look no further than ThinkFree. Just look at this person's username, and how they write, and you can literally imagine them, can't you? We all know this internet person.

BARBARIC GENOCIDAL FOX HUNTING ZIONISTS

4. Noor

• The Replies: "I cannot believe such pure HYPOCRISY of the Western-Zionist (FAKE) laws of "human rights and democracy" - where so-called animal rights are more important than GENOCIDE of Muslims! Such laws consider the ENDLESSLY mass murdered, tortured, raped and robbed MUSLIM children and peoples in Iraq, Palestine, Syria, Libya, Central African Republic, Somalia, Mali and so on, from intervention of Imperialist warmongering Western-Zionist BARBARIANS, are worth nothing! But these BARBARIANS might pretend to lOVE.... their animals! And why Muslims become refugees - from the wars that the warmongering PARASITES from the Christian-Zionist-ruled world started in the first place! And don’t forget all those mass-murdered Muslim by Hindus in India or the Buddhists in Myanmar!"; and "I wonder if the HYPOCRITE pretenders will ban animal TORTURERS in ANIMAL EXPERIMENTATION (especially for cosmetic and weapon industries), FUR-LOVERS and BLOODSPORT, from the capitalist and elitist tradition 8incluidng the ROYALS)?!" 
• Analysis: This is one that is two replies from Noor instead of just one, however I didn't want to include multiple replies from the same people, and couldn't choose which one I liked more, so I just included both. Not to imply that this was only two posts. Noor seems to have copies and pasted these two replies, or slight versions of these replies, and replied with them dozens and dozens of times. Noor is the absolute King / Queen of this reply string, and replied so many times it's crazy. As you can see, Noor ALSO REPEATEDLY posted THINGS IN CAPSLOCK for no particular reason at RANDOM TIMES.  Who knows what the fuck is going on in Noor's head when reading their comments. Just do a search function for "Noor" and GET READY for the CRAZY. Noor also repeated accused people of "harassing me in real life" over and over again in their replies, implying that people he or she was having an internet argument about in this forum were also going outside of their house to, like, throw rocks at or something. Which, is, you know, fucking nutso. 

3. DickGozigna

• The Reply: LOOK AT ME! I’M NOOR! I LIKE TO USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I’M A TOTAL NUTJOB! I WEAR A TINFOIL HAT ON MY HEAD TO KEEP THE ZIONISTS, THE ROYAL FAMILY, AND THE SURVIVING MEMBERS OF EMF FROM READING MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE THAT’S THE TRUTHS!!!
• Analysis: Better than any Noor reply itself is this amazing reply to Noor, which is great.

2. Letter_from_Captain_Swing

• The Reply: I just wish the IDF would kill Palestinian children more humanely, instead of just randomly firing into crowded places.
• Analysis: Oof.

Vegetables! The solution to all.

1. santhu21

• The Reply: Why don’t everybody in europe be Vegetarian
• Analysis: That would certainly solve this whole issue, wouldn't it, santhu21? Thanks for throwing your two cents in! I think if anyone else paid attention to your suggstion, we could have worked this whole thing out without a need for so much vitriol. 

Ed Ranks Sliced Bread

Behold: Carbohydrates.

There is an obvious "best thing since..." pun that I can work into this article, but I won't. That's basic bitch territory there, and Ed Ranks Everything is beyond basic bitch stuff now.

Note that, as an America, I'm ranking the common types of sliced bread you might find in an American grocery store.

8. Cinnamon Raisin Bread - Also called "Cinnamon Swirl" and a bunch of other things. There are also some rains without the cinnamon, and cinnamon without the raisins, but for the most part these two go together.  I'm not saying this is bad bread or that I don't like it. It's simply the least versatile of sliced bread. You can really only use it for sweet/dessert type things, or breakfast. Beyond smearing butter or cream cheese on it, what else can you use it for? PBJ sandwiches, I guess. But its uses are severely limited.

7. White Bread - So very boring. Sometimes they try to add words like "Italian Bread" to this, to make it seem special. It is not Italian. It is bland and ultra-processed.  But I can't fully hate on it. It is pretty versatile, and can be used for almost anything.

6. Pumpernickel - I'm only including this here than rather as a sub-set of "Rye" bread because... well... I don't know. It's different enough. To be clear, here in America,pumpernickel bread is basically a dark rye bread. Is the same as the dark part of the swirl you'd get in marble rye. In Germany and Europe though, pumpernickel is different. In Europe, pumpernickel is a disgusting, dense, nut-and-grain-filled, nasty concoction that tastes like failed bread that someone tried to get to rise but it didn't. It is horrible, and people who like it should be ashamed of their disgusting selves. I am not talking about gross, dense pumpernickel. I am talking about delicious, fluffy, risen, American pumpernickel which is, as noted, basically dark rye bread.

5. Whole Wheat - Also called "Honey Wheat" by a lot of brands, this is your typical counter to white bread. If you don't get the ultra-processed white bread, chances are you get this a little less processed, and a little healthier, whole wheat bread. It's fine, I suppose.

4. Multi-Grain / Whole Grain  - As opposed to "Whole Wheat," things that have the name "Multi-Grain or "Whole Grain" are typically even more nutty and grainy, with actively visible chunks of seeds, oats, and other grains visible in the bread itself. Usually, they will also have a layer of oats or other grains on top as well. This type of stuff is meant to be healthier, and goes by a million names other than the ones I said above, including Oat Bread, Oatnut Bread, Seed Bread, and on and on.If you want to have healthier and less processed bread, just go ahead and skip the whole wheat and go right for the multi-grain.

3. Sourdough - Pretty damn delicious. It's like white bread, but with flavor and complexity! The fermented, yeasty flavor makes you appreciate that there was a real bread-making and rising process that happened to make this bread. Other breads seem like they might come out of a lab by comparison.

Without rye, there is no pastrami on rye.

2. Rye - This one includes Marble Rye and all the variation of seeded and seedless rye. So delicious! And while some might think that means it is limited to savory-type dishes rather than sweet ones, and is thus handicapped in a similar way to how cinnamon raisin bread is - those people would be wrong! I would have zero problem making a sweet-type of bread meal using rye.


1. Potato - Honestly, there is very little difference between the bleach-filled, processed, unhealthy nature of white bread from potato bread. But I'm ignoring all of that and declaring potato bread as the winner. It is so delicious.  There is no reason to put anything on white bread if potato bread exists. It's so soft and amazing!