Ed Ranks Lost Films of 1910 Based on How Much they Sound Like Pornos

Oh yeah. This is gonna be HOT!

I've done this before with Shakespeare, but I'm sort of lazy... so why not do the same joke again? Many early films made were tragically lost, so that we can never see what they were. Other films were fortunately lost, because they were probably awful, so good riddance. I'm going to pretend that these 22 films of 1910, now gone forever, were all pornos. And I will rank them accordingly by how appealing the titles are for said assumed genre.


22. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Yikes. I do not want to imagine this Harriet Beecher Stowe classic about slavery re-imagined as a 1910 silent porno.

21. The Writing on the Wall - The title of this film does not sound like adult entertainment at all, however a synopsis of the story actually sort of does sound like one ("a young girl named Grace who becomes attracted to a wealthy man named Jack"...).

20. Moonlite - Doesn't sound much like a porno at all, does it? It's apparently about an Australian bushranger, and it's surprisingly not the only lost 1910 film about a bushranger. The other film will have a much better name for a porno though.

19. Avenged - Definitely more of an action revenge drama film title than anything else. This is about a guy trying to get revenge for being crippled by a taxi cab that hit him. Odd. I hope it starred whoever the 1910 version of Liam Neeson was.

18. Jane Eyre - I mean this could be a porn parody about the Charlotte Brontë (aka "Currer Bell") novel and character, but not really. If it were, it would more be like "NOT Jane Eyre XXX."

17. The Woman Hater - Most porn films are pretty misogynistic, but even with that knowledge I don't think many would have a title like this.

16. Mother - A few years ago, I would say this doesn't sound anything conceivably like a porno. But nowadays with all the "stepmom" and "stepsister" stuff that's on the interwebs, I guess there is a market out there for disgusting freaks who should be thrown into the pit of despair.

15.  John Halifax, Gentleman - Not a great title, but the "Gentleman" part gives it a dynamic where I could say, "Yeah, I suppose." I guess it all depends on the DVD cover.

14. Paul and Virginia - Sure, I guess this could be the name of a porno, but it would probably be a pretty boring one. It's more like a couples webcam name than a porno flick.

13. Thelma - I'm not saying that a singular female name can't work as a porno title. But "Thelma" is not a very erotic name at all. Though maybe rednecks in the Ozarks will be into this.

12. The Girls He Left Behind Him and The Iron Clad Lover - Actually two short films released together on one reel. Even though the quasi-connected films feature words such as "girls" and "iron clad lover" in the titles, neither really works that much. Although the sudden switch from one short story to another unconnected one in theory does sound very porno-ey. 

11. An Assisted Elopement - Despite having the word "elopement" in it, which directly implies a sudden and/or impulsive romantic engagement, this is not very erotic-sounding. The "assisted" part doesn't help either. Unless you think about it in a different way, in which case... eh... maybe?

10. The Best Man Wins - Sure, this could work. Either over a bunch of guys competing over a girl, or as man-on-man flick. Whatever you're looking for.

Tangled Lives: the scene before the ball gag comes out.

9. Tangled Lives - This certainly works as an S&M title, right?

8.  The Convict - Could be a prison porno.

7. Cupid at the Circus - Cupid represents love, which works. However, the setting at the circus would make me think that this film has a bunch of clown sex in it. No thank you.

6. Hypnotized - More like a Cinemax late night softcore title.

5. The Mermaid - I assume there has to be some scene like in The Little Mermaid when she gets legs. Because otherwise someone is going to be having sex with the fish half and eww.

4. The Squatter's Daughter - The word "squatter" works in its own way that was surely unintended in 1910. However, you can fill in the blank with basically any word within "The ____'s Daughter" and it could rank fairly high on this list.

3. The Life and Adventures of John Vane, the Notorious Australian Bushranger - It would work better if it was John Vein, but I still think this is a solid porno title. Come on. Bushranger! Hell yeah.

2. The Englishman and the Girl - Yep, definitely sounds like a porno and not like a D. W. Griffith film about a bunch of people putting on a Pocahontas-like play, starring Mary Pickford.

1. Mistress and Maid - It's going to take a lot of convincing for me to NOT believe this is a porno. Are the mistress and maid two different people? The same person? It doesn't matter, since it works either way.