Ed Ranks the Seven Chakras

I know nothing about esoteric Hindu, Buddhist, Vedic, or Tantra practices, but I will pretend to be fully qualified to rank these "energy channels" across the body. Or whatever they are. Again. Not. Qualified. At. All.

7. Muladhara

• Meaning: Root
• Location: Base of spine (or " coccygeal plexus beneath the sacrumit," if you're a medical doctor and that means something to you)
• Color: Red
• Explanation: The foundation of the "energy body" where awakening begins. Also associated with taking dumps, which is really weird. 
• Analysis: I'm not sure how I feel about a dump-taking Chakra.

6. Manipura

• Meaning: City of Jewels, or Resplendent Gem
• Location: Navel
• Color: Yellow
• Explanation: Associated with fire, but also the power of transformation and self-discovery. It is also believed to be related to digestion, as one would assume for something right on the belly.
• Analysis: This seems less like some important thing for spiritual healing and more like some powerful energy one needed to harness that is now made obsolete after the invention of Pepto-Bismol. But yeah, I suppose that fire and self-discovery stuff is okay too.

5. Vishuddha

• Meaning: Purest
• Location: Throat
• Color: Blue
• Explanation: Associated with purification, creativity, and self-expression. Success or failure in life may depend on how "clean" this Chakra is for you. Also associated with space (ether) and enjoyment.
• Analysis: I'm not sure what type of kinky stuff people are into when they think of having a blue throat purify you and allow for greater creativity. I guess some folks just like to be choked. Who am I to judge?

4. Anahata

• Meaning: Unhurt / Unstruck / Unbeaten
• Location: Heart
• Color: Green
• Explanation: Associated with balance, calmness, and serenity. Represents the interaction between two things, and the ability to balance or integrate such interactions to allow for cooperation and peace.
• Analysis: Aww, the heart resolved and moderates all conflicts. What a lovely thought! And nice work slipping the Star of David in there. Think we wouldn't notice?

3. Svadhishthana

• Meaning: Where the self /your being is established
• Location: Crotch
• Color: Orange
• Explanation: Associated with creation, pleasure, sense of oneself, relationships, sensuality and procreation. Well... obviously. What else do you expect for the ol' orange crotch chakra?
• Analysis: This one is just fun! Is that supposed to be a crescent moon or a "fun hole?"

2. Sahasrara

• Meaning: Thousand-petaled
• Location: Crown / Halo
• Color: Violet or Multi-colored
• Explanation: Highest spiritual center, pure consciousness, containing neither object nor subject. Associated with "Great Bliss." All other Chakras emanate from this one.
• Analysis: I mean, if this is your "highest spirituality," consciousness itself, and the thing from which all other Chakras emanate, it seems a little over-powered. Like Superman.

1. Ajna

• Meaning: Command
• Location: Third Eye, on forehead or between eyebrows
• Color: Indigo
• Explanation: The subconscious mind, and the part of the brain that can become more powerful through mediation. Able to reveal insights about the future, connect people to their intuition, give them the ability to communicate with the world, or help them receive messages from the past and the future.
• Analysis: Who can argue with the awesomeness of a future-seeing third eye?