Ed Ranks Insightful Comments on a Breitbart Article About an Emma Watson Film

Now that Steve Bannon has the important job of being the chief strategist of the President-Elect of the United States (who is unfortunately NOT the much more preferable option of a Racist Goat), it's time to look and see what the intelligent and informed people of his website, Breitbart, have to say about an artsy Emma Watson independent film that opened up to a $61 gross box office return after it was only released in five theaters.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that a little bit before this movie came out, Emma Watson made some comments about refugees needing to be treated with respect and human dignity? Because she did, and those kinds of words are fightin' words!

I am, alas, not making any of this up. Note that there were a lot more than 15 comments written. My brain started to rot after reading though, so I had to stop somewhere. These are how I rank the 15 gems which I picked out.

15. "Just liked [sic] another English beauty, Megan Fox. Million dollar looks and a 2 cent brain."

The human being who left this comment must have apparently watched all the Transformers and Ninja Turtles films and said to himself, "look at that classically-trained British actress."

14. "THATS [sic]THE DEMOCRAT POLITICIANS way. however they actually suck the tax payer test. Chech [sic] this movie out: HillarysAmericaTheMovie.com. It's worth the cost. It PROVES the democrats are ALL LIARS & that the Clintons are despicable corrup [sic] power hungry satans [sic]"

So many spelling errors. So much all-caps. So much crazy.

13. "I haven't given the holly weird libs 1 thin dime of mine in 8 yrs. and I won't ever. You give it to them, they give it to the politicians. This includes movies, music , clothing, etc. I will not be part of donating to libs destruction of my country."

"Holly weird" is such a lame insult for Hollywood. You'd think you'd be a little more creative with your overwhelming hatred for all things diverse and different.

12. "If you hunt around on the web you can see most for free.(might not be a very good copy). I've caught some a week before they come out in the theater."

This writer, whose logo is a confederate flag (shocked?), seems to be advocating illegal activities that violate intellectual property right laws. Maybe the FBI should be investigating him instead of Hillary. It's punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000. At least according to that blue screen at the beginning of the film.

11. "Nah. She was exposed to the toxic rhetoric of Feminist/Lesbianism in Hollywood while making the movies."

An accusation that Emma Watson must be an evil lesbian feminist (which are the same thing to this writer) because she's liberal. Well, I'm sure that's the first and only time that will happen on this comments page.

10. "She probably doesn't do men."

I stand corrected.

9. "I loved Emma Watson until she went to college and got all liberal and vocal... She should have kept her liberal views to herself and she might still turn out a crowd.."

All things considered, this is about as moderate and informed of a comment as anyone could possibly imagine on an internet comment board.

8. "Too bad Emma but all you are is a pretty face and apparently few brains or common sense."

Remember women, your only redeeming quality is your attractiveness.

7. "As a wife and mother of all daughters...I resent everything about Emma Watson and what she represents. I would never want her to influence my children...and future grandchildren."

Damn those Wicca, pagan, satanist Harry Potter kids trying to destroy our children! This woman is finally standing up to it.

6. "Liberal college graduates earn the most money and pay the most in taxes, so we are paying the bills while the overwhelming majority of welfare recipients are southern, conservative, religious, racist, homophobic, sexist trailer trash like yourselves. So be nice or we'll take your food stamps away and you will have to buy your own ramen noodles and tasty cakes, you fat inbred scum."

Wait, what are you doing on Breitbart, sir? I believe you have mistakenly left the Huffington Post and are commenting on the wrong website.

5. "Glad she failed. Hopefully she'll stop making movies. Leftists are evil"

To the point. You have to respect that much, at least.

4. "Maybe Emma should go back to Hogwarts School to brush up on her magical powers.
Or perhaps Emma really graduated from Hogwash School, not Hogwarts."

I kind of enjoy this one because how cheesy and lame it is. "Hogwash." Hehe. This insult is almost good enough to be ironically bad. Like the user said it as a form of anti-humor because it was such a terrible joke. Alas, in reality I doubt irony or sarcasm was actually involved and this was earnest.

3. "Emma Watson's still acting?"

Ouch, sick burn bro.

2. "Would still bang"

Your opinion is noted and she politely declines your kind offer.

"Minorities are not to be trusted, Mr. Punch."

1. "Puppet shows are a great way to entertain your kids. And you can control the story so that they aren't corrupted by Hollywood. My kids love my puppet show of the giant (Trump) who frees the land of the evil goblins (liberals)"

This one is so fucking off-the-rails crazy that it went from bad to #1. I'm imagining this crazy human being actually giving his children conservative puppet shows rather than allowing his children to watch evil, liberal television. His children will be too stupid and misinformed to even know that they're missing anything good (like Westworld). Or too stupid to secure jobs in the future beyond gas station attendants. But whatever.

Ed Ranks Things Happening When the Cast of "Stranger Things" Were Born

4. October 2001: Caleb McLaughlin (as Lucas Sinclair)

The United States invaded Afghanistan. The Patriot Act was signed into law. Anthrax was being sent through the  mail. October 2001 was a pretty damn depressing month so it has to rank as the worst. But hey... the iPod was first launched so I guess it's not all bad, huh? Remember when you had to carry around a damn CD or cassette player? Caleb doesn't.

• Who Caleb McLaughlin was not yet alive to see: Aaliyah died two months previously in August. So all R. Kelly jokes must go right over Caleb's head.
• What was I doing: Taking an international relations college course which tried to examine what the key issues in US-foreign relations would be for the near future. About two weeks into the course, on September 12, the teacher essentially threw out the entire planned curriculum as it was no longer relevant or meaningful. 

3. February 2004: Millie Bobby Brown (as Eleven)

In February 2004, Eggos were still
disgusting trash (as they always have been).

Facebook and Mille Bobby Brown are the same age - being both unleashed on the world in this month. And do you remember when Jean-Bertrand Aristide was president of Haiti? No? Neither does Millie Bobby Brown, as she was all of ten days old when he resigned during the 2004 Haitian coup d'état after fleeing the country the day before. Nothing else really interesting happened this month.

• Who Millie Bobby Brown was not yet alive to see: Rod Roddy, the voice of The Price is Right, died four months before Millie was born. She likely has no clue who this fabulous, foppish dynamo was. She never was able to enjoy him announcing contestants to "come on down." Truly tragic.
• What was I doing: Being unemployed after graduating from college, and regularly applying for a variety of shitty jobs. 

2. September 2002: Gaten Matarazzo (as Dustin Henderson)

Do you remember the Queen of England's Golden Jubilee? The Salt Lake City Winter Olympics? The Franc and Deutsche Mark ceasing to be acceptable currency? Gaten Matarazzo sure as hell doesn't  - because those all happened prior to September 2002. If he has some really astute memory from when he was two days old - he might recall Switzerland finally getting around to joining the UN. Like with February 2004, this really wasn't that interesting of a month. Which is why I mentioned mostly things that happened before it. But at least nothing completely horrible happened.

• Who Gaten Matarazzo was not yet alive to see:  Dee Dee Ramone, John Gotti, Rosemary Clooney, and Ted Williams are all just historical figures to Gaten, as they all died in the months prior to his birth.
• What was I doing: Writing a paper in a college political science class that summed up that no matter what Iraq did - the US was going to invade anyway, with or without UN support (yep). Speaking of Iraq...

1. December 2002: Finn Wolfhard (as Mike Wheeler)

You know how drones are a thing now and we're totally used to them? In December 2002, the world was still having its mind blown by the concept of an aircraft not being piloted by a human being. On the very same day that Finn Wolfhard was born, an MQ-1 Predator was shot down by Iraq in the first ever engagement between a drone and conventional aircraft in the history of mankind. Cool as hell, right? Also that month, Iraq filed a 12,000 page weapons declaration with the United Nations to comply with Security Council Resolution 1441 in an effort to avoid a war. It didn't work, since the United States were kind of dicks about that whole "Iraq" thing.

• Who Finn Wolfhard was not yet alive to see: James Coburn died in November, giving Finn the slight likelihood that he is simply just the reincarnation of the star of The Magnificent Seven and The Great Escape. Depending on how long that whole reincarnation thing takes. Do you think its instantly? A couple of days? A couple of weeks?
• What was I doing: Getting psyched to watch The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers in the movie theater. 

Ed Ranks the 12 Causes of Death in The Jim Carroll Band's "People Who Died"

Dying is terrible, and there is no real good way to die. But we can all agree that some ways of dying are slightly better than others. Author, poet and punk musician Jim Carroll (who penned The Basketball Diaries) seemed to have known a lot of people who died and described how that happened in his famous 1980 song. Needless to say, his own cause of death in 2009 (heart attack) sounds a lot better than the options he sung about.

12. Bobby (1) - Leukemia. This is clearly the worst way to go. Holy shit this is dark and terrible. Want to make it even worse? Bobby was 14 years old.

11. G-berg and Georgie - Hepatitis. Like poor Bobby above, this sounds like a long and painful death that sucks super hard.

10. Brian - Killed by a biker gang for being a snitch. Jim Carroll didn't describe the exact method of death here, but needless to say it was probably horrific. But at least with the vagueness of the description, there is some hope for Brian that it was at least quick.

9. Bobby (2) - OD'ed on Drāno on his wedding night. What the hell? On his wedding night? That's pretty damn sad. But again... at least quick. How many people did Jim Carroll know named "Bobby" who died? If you were named Robert, you would not want to befriend this guy.

8. Eddie - Got slit in the jugular vein. Yikes. Just yikes. Again, at least this sounds like it happened fast.

7. Tony - Pushed off roof.  Yep, pushed off the Boy's Club roof by some asshole named Herbie. Awful.

6. and 5. Teddy and Mary (Tie) - Fell to deaths. Like Tony, these two fell to their deaths. But their deaths are slightly less horrific because they weren't brutally murdered. Teddy sniffed glue and fell from a roof, while Mary "dived from a hotel room." I keep flip-flopping in my mind over which way to go is worse (high and unintentional versus intentional), so I'll just go ahead and say they're equally as bad.

4. Bobby (3) - Hung himself in a cell. ANOTHER BOBBY?!

3. Sly - Shot in head in Vietnam. This is terrible, but at the very least it sounds like it was probably instantaneous. That or damage to the nerves in the brain would have hopefully meant he felt nothing.

2. Judy - Jumped in front of a subway train. Seems quick and clean. I get why so many depressed Japanese people do this.

1. Cathy - Overdosed on 26 pills and wine. Suicide is always a bad idea, but of the options this is a pretty practical one. 10 pills seems like it might almost kill you but instead you'd live and be messed up for the rest of your life. But 26 pills? That should do it! Cathy was 11 years old though. Fuuuuuuuuuck.

Ed Ranks Seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

7. Season Six

Yes, Season 6.

The show clearly should have ended with Season Five. I'm not saying that bringing Buffy back to life and jumping networks to UPN was always going to bring failure - but it did in this case. After facing the forces of hell, Buffy is now barely able to beat a Trio of stupid nerds? Lame. The only watchable episode is the musical one.

• S6 High Point: Once More With Feeling - The aforementioned musical.
  
• S6 Low Point: Pretty much all the rest, but let's just say Seeing Red - I never even really liked Tara, but I still didn't want to see her get shot by an angry sex robot-building douche. 
  

6. Season Seven

As noted before, the show should have ended already. At least the concept of the First Evil coming back as the primary antagonist for the series has potential. Did the potential pay off? No.

• S7 High Point: Conversations with Dead People - I suppose, if I have to pick something.
• S7 Low Point: No specific episode, but just the general premise of watching all the Buffy and Angel story arcs and casting be altered mid-season so that Joss Whedon could awkwardly stick in Firefly cast members after it got cancelled.

5. Season Five

Wheeeeee!

Glory was lame and Dawn magically appearing without explanation was kind of crazy, right? The Gift was a great series finale. Let's all pretend that this show was only on the WB and that the UPN episodes never existed.

• S5 High Point: The Gift - as mentioned. Buffy dies. Again. But not really. Again.
• S5 Low Point: Listening to Fear - a Season One-style monster mixed in with that Season Four para-military Riley nonsense, with the backdrop of brain surgery. Although, let's not forget that terrible Dracula episode either.

4. Season Four

Nightmare fuel

When a high school TV show moves to college, there is always something lost. You can use Saved by the Bell or any other TV show that does this as an example. Buffy definitely lost something by graduating - and despite the overall "meh" of Maggie Walsh and her initiative, there are still a few quality episodes and story arcs here. Remember Hush?

• S4 High Point: Hush - An episode with no dialogue. Pretty groundbreaking and those monsters gliding along were scary as hell.
• S4 Low Point: Where the Wild Things Are - The ghosts of children abused by a Christian fundamentalist years ago use ghost magic to make Buffy and Riley have sex, and Tony Head's illogical transformation from nerdy uptight librarian to "cool dude who just likes to jam on his guitar" is completed, probably due to Tony Head begging producers every single episode to work in a way he could totes show off his singing skills.

3. Season One

This short season (it was a mid-season replacement series) showed great potential for the series. While it was certainly a "monster of the week" kind of deal, the set-ups and story arcs that Buffy would become famous for were all set in stone here. But if every episode had been like I, Robot... You, Jane, then the show would have deserved to be cancelled.

• S1 High Point: Prophesy Girl - She dies! But not really.
• S1 Low Point: I, Robot...You, Jane - A demon is released into the internet. This is what The Matrix would look like if it was a SyFy channel movie with no budget.

2. Season Three 

Hey look, it's Faith!

Some people think this one is the best. In their defense, the season did finish really strong with its two-part finale that blows up Sunnydale High School and also gave us a couple episodes which were just about Alyson Hannigan being slutty in tight leather. Although, its a bit odd that the thing a lot of people loved most about a show about women's empowerment was a girl in tight leather. But the people who think Season Three is the best forget just how slow and boring the season started.

• S3 High Point: The Wish - Cordelia wishes Buffy never came to Summerdale and we get to see an alternate universe with slutty Willow and the Master still alive. This is Buffy's Mirror, Mirror.
• S3 Low Point: Dead Man's Party - After Anne bore us all to death with Buffy running away from home for summer vacation after killing her boyfriend, we should have been psyched for her return to Sunnydale. Instead we got this terrible episode about a Nigerian mask that raises zombies or something. Like I said, Season Three started super bad. It's not til they introduce Faith that things get remotely interesting.

1. Season Two 

Captivating love story. Kind of.

There was no sophomore curse for Buffy, as Season Two is its best season. This is the season that gives us Spike and Drusilla (all the episodes in their story arc are awesome, and this was an overall story arc-heavy season), and Angel turning into evil Angelus (which Season One was just setting up the whole time anyway). Did it have a couple of bad episodes? Admittedly, yes. Ted, and so on. Still, some of the episodes from Season Two that people hate violently aren't really that bad. Is Inca Mummy Girl a piece of high art? No, but it is a "Xander trying to get some" episode, and those are always kind of fun.

• S2 High Point: The Becoming, Part 2 - Buffy stabs her evil ex-boyfriend with a sword and send him in a portal to hell. Brutal.
• S2 Low Point: Probably Ted. Sorry, John Ritter as a robot designed to act like a dad on a 1950s sitcom is just not going to fly with me.

Ed Ranks Viceroys of Min-Zhe

I know what you've all been asking yourselves. You've been asking, "When is Ed going to rank the Governor-Generals of the Taiwan, Fujian, and Zhejiang Provinces and Surrounding Areas Overseeing Military Affairs and Food Production, Manager of Waterways, Director of Civil Affairs (colloquially known as 'Viceroy of Min-Zhe') of the Qing dynasty in China?"

Well today is your lucky day, because it is happening now. After all, this is Ed Ranks Everything.

11. Tan Zhonglin (1892-1895) - This was the last Viceroy of Min-Zhe. It's got to suck to be the last. Did Tan suck so hard that they just ended the Viceroy position? Without doing any research, I'll just say "yes."

10. Yan Botao (1841-1842) - I know nothing about this person. Let's just say they were the second worst.

9. Yang Yingju (1755-1757) - I also know nothing about this person, but their name sounds cooler than "Yan Botao," that's for sure.

8. Lang Tingzuo (1674-1676) - FUN FACT! Lang Tingzuo was a person who lived at one point in time, and was also the Viceroy of Min-Zhe. That's why your finding his name here.

7. Lee Shaitai (1656-1666) - Lee Shaitai was the first ever Viceroy of Min-Zhe. He is the Jackie Robinson of Viceroys of Min-Zhe. Except not black. 

6. Yang Changjun (1884-1888) - I'm arbitrarily placing this person at 6th place.

5. Fan Chengmo (1668-1673) - Was captured by Geng Jingzhong and forced to commit suicide during the Revolt of the Three Feudatories during the early reign of the Kangxi Emperor. Brutal.

4. Ma Xinyi (1866-1868) - Did you know that Muslims were sometimes in high ranking positions in China? Ma Xinyi was a Hui Muslim. Unfortunately, Ma Xinyi was assassinated in 1870 and his killer never caught. But a lot of people suspect that Empress Dowager Cixi was involved. That bitch! But then again, Cixi is sort of like a Chinese boogeyman who they blamed everything on, so she's probably innocent.

3. Yao Qisheng (1678-1683) - A pivotal figure in the Kangxi Emperor's reign who helped to ensure that Taiwan was taken back under China's reign once again. And who can forget the amazing portrayal of Yao Qisheng by Su Tingshi in the 2001 Chinese television series "Kangxi Dynasty?" What's that? You've never seen it? Yeah, me neither. Surely you can tell this entire ranking is just me talking out of my ass.

2. Li Wei (1727-1729) - Li Wei was an instrumental figure in carrying out the Yongzheng Emperor's nationwide reforms. An illiterate martial artist who rose to become one of the Emperor's most trusted advisors, Li Wei's life story sounds like total cinema bait. If you want to learn more about him, you can of course read about it here.

1. Zuo Zongtang (1862-1866) - Famous general. How famous? He's also known as "General Tso." That's right. He is THE General Tso. You know, the one that the dish is named after (the dish that was invented in America and has zero culinary connection to Zuo Zongtang's home province of Hunan). His Wikipedia page is also the longest of all Viceroys of Min-Zhe by a significant amount.

Delicious. Sort of.

Ed Ranks Arabic Numerals

This one will be super easy to do. There are only ten of these, but this list will be confusing if the numbers I use to rank the Arabic numerals are Arabic numerals. So to avoid confusion, for the first time ever I'll just have to write the words out to count down. Let's give it a go!

Tenth Place - 6

6 is just unappealing. I don't like how it looks, and its not cool enough to be 5 or 7.

Ninth Place - 9

9 is coincidentally in ninth place. It's just an upside down 6. 

Eighth Place - 3

3 looks kind of like balls or boobs, but sideways. 3 is silly.

Seventh Place - 1

1 is the loneliest number, and visually it's super lazy. It's just a straight line. Be a little more creative, 1.

Sixth Place - 4

There is nothing super awesome about 4, nor is there anything I dislike about it. It just sort of exists there. 

Fifth Place - 0

0 is a circle, which is lazy but also much cooler than a straight line. It's also cool that 0 didn't exist in Roman numerals. While that's sometimes overstated and the Romans did have a concept of nothing (nulla), it's still awesome to think about 0 sometimes. Does 0 even exist? How can nothing exist if it's nothing? My mind is about to explode.

Fourth Place - 2

2 is the first even number. Every other number is divisible by it. That's worth something, right? All the good songs about numbers are about 2. In contrast, all the songs about 1 are depressing. 

Third Place - 5

Even though 5 is an odd number, it's sort of even-feeling to me. Probably because it's exactly half of 10, which is the number count by which we base everything in the world on. And it's just a fun number to write. Don't you like writing 5's? I think they're the bomb.

Second Place - 8 

While 5 is kind of fun to write, 8 is absolutely the most fun. It's so loopy and cool. And it's the best number to drive a figure of in your car. If you've been driving figure 4's your whole life, then you've been missing a lot (plus how the hell are you doing that anyway? Those must be some pretty sharp turns). 8 is also infinity sideways, which is almost as freaky and crazy to think about as 0.

First Place - 7

Why is 7 so beloved? I don't know. But several polls conducted over the past few years all concluded that 7 was overwhelmingly people's favorite number. If you hit 7 on the slot machines, you win big. Because 7 is "lucky!" Snow White has 7 dwarfs. There are 7 days in a week. James Bond is 007. There are 7 ancient Jewish Holy Days and God told Moses to design the menorah to have 7 lamps. Actually, now that I've written that all down I guess I answered my original question about why 7 is so beloved. It probably all originated with the bible stuff, huh? 7 signifies death in Chinese culture, which makes it slightly less lucky. But to me, that makes the number itself even cooler.

Ed Ranks the United States (Finale 5 of 5)

And here we are! The finale of an exciting five-part drama. These are the states that are the best of the best. If you really need an explanation or refresher about how I've come to these conclusions, go back to Part 1.  Just remember, these ranks are definitive and nobody can argue with them. The way I rank things is indisputable and never wrong.

10. Washington

Nope, not Toronto. This is the other one.

Washington state is much more than just Seattle, although Seattle is indeed a factor in why the state ranks so high. Washington is an extremely ecologically diverse state - you might only think of it as being "that rainy place where everyone commits suicide," but it also has mountains, plains, "high dessert," glaciers, and volcanoes. Being on the coast, it obviously has a lot of beautiful islands, waterways and coastlines. If you like coffee, beer, cherries, or apples - thank Washington for doing these things awesomely. Even if the beer you like wasn't brewed in Washington, there is a good chance the hops in it came from there. Is it a bit hipster/liberal/hippy? Sure it is. At least some places - remember it is very diverse. But if you want to complain about "the liberals" destroying opportunities for business - you might want to consider how Washington has produced Microsoft, Amazon, Starbucks, Norstrom, REI, Boing, Eddie Bauer, and UPS. Washington also excels at higher education, opportunities for women, and life expectancy. I know, the life expectancy stat surprised me too. The whole "suicide" thing is completely overstated - Washington ranks #22 in that, and its rate is just slightly above the national average. And at least one of those suicides we know was really a murder.

9. Utah

Utah, really? In the top 10? I almost can't believe I'm ranking it here either. I can't think of Utah without thinking of the Donner Party (a type of party you should politely refuse to attend, if invited). But the stats don't lie. Utah finishes in the best of the best states for employment, healthcare and overall health, personal well-being, low crime, primary education, and low poverty rates. It's almost one of the best at everything! Well, except for one thing in which it's absolutely the worst in the nation - women's equality. This shouldn't come as much of a surprise to you, honestly. Utah is a terrible state to be a women unless you're the type of woman who's totally into the whole "I'm the property of a man" thing. Utah is also the highest rated deep "red" state on my list, which isn't specifically intentional. I tried to avoid placing any inherently political left or right statistics into my ranking weights and it just so came out that red states sucked in a lot of ways. Utah is the exception to the rule. Unless, again, you're a women. In which case, you might consider moving to a place with slightly more opportunities for you. You know, like the Middle East.

8. Connecticut

Connecticut is another one of those states where its place is my rankings is all due to math. I'm not sure I've actually even been there at all (maybe I drove through it?) and don't know enough about it to form any strong personal opinions. People there are highly educated, live long, have extremely low rates of poverty and crime, and have an overall excellent-to-above average quality of life in many ways. Employment, racial integration, and women's equality are the only categories it falls below average among the states in - and even there it's just barely below average and not anywhere close to the bottom. I'm sure it has tasty seafood and a lot of the great things you can say about other New England states (many of which are highly ranked) you can say about Connecticut. The only bad thing I can say about it is that, geographically, it's half-way between New York City and Boston. Which means the state can be pretty much divided along West/East lines among Yankees and Red Sox fans. And both types of people are tied as equally intolerable.

7. Maryland

Maryland in a nutshell. Or crab shell, I guess.

As I've mentioned several times through these rankings, to rank the states I used a lot of different statistics about quality of life (14 different factors) and came up with some initial raw numbers. After that, I went ahead and moved a couple of states up or down a little based on some intangibles that those stats couldn't account for (such as your state being a boring hellhole like Wyoming where everyone kills themselves). Because I'm from Maryland, I knew I'd be completely biased with any of those intangibles so I left this one purely to the math and statistics alone. That means no positive intangibles to move it up a little (like that its crabs are the best and that Old Bay is the manna from heaven described in Exodus 16:1-39) or negative intangibles to move it down (like how Baltimore is only featured on TV shows about people being murdered) Why is Maryland ranked so high? It's the #1 state in the country for college degrees and #2 state for advanced degrees beyond college. It also has the second best healthcare in the nation, and is the fourth best state for meaningful economic and social integration of minority populations. It ranks high in most of the other factors as well. The only time Maryland comes in the bottom 10 of the states is with regard to violent crime. So I guess that Baltimore TV show is accounted for after all.

6. Massachusetts

Massachusetts people are the worst. Red Sox fans, Patriots fans, that racist piece of shit Mark Wahlberg who people now inexplicably love. For being so "liberal" (the 5th most liberal voting state based on some 2016 stats) - it ranks waaaaay down at #35 for racial integration, which should be no surprise if you've ever met a Southie. If there is one thing I can't stand it's racism. Especially racism from filthy, drunken, potato-eating Micks (don't worry, I'm allowed to say that - I'm 14% genetically Irish according to Ancestry DNA). Personally I'd much rather be in a lot of the states ranked lower than Massachusetts - but here's the reason why it comes in so high: it's tied with Maryland for #1 in college education, and it's also #1 in advanced degrees beyond college. It also has extremely healthy people with long lifespans, low rates of poverty, great healthcare (thanks Mitt Romney), and is above average for states with regard to opportunities and equality for women. Look, Boston is pretty but unfortunately suffers from terrible traffic and the fact that people from Boston live there.

5. Colorado

So. Pretty.

Once you get used to the altitude and the cold, Colorado has a little bit to offer to everybody. Colorado is probably the quintessential "purple state" (or swing state) that should be equally inviting to people of any political leaning. Colorado is a state defined by pragmatism and people that often verge from "radical centrist" to what's been called "South Park Republican" (which is just a sort of a libertarian that really likes fart jokes). Colorado is also downright beautiful, unless you hate mountains or something. It's the healthiest and least obese state in the nation (at least for now, marijuana legalization could really up their Cheetos consumption in the next few years). It comes in #3 for states in people receiving college degrees, #4 in self-assessed personal well-being, and also scores highly across the board in a number of other quality of life statistics. In all the stats I used, Colorado never fell lower than #36 in anything, which in itself is just a little below the average. Like a lot of other places on this list, I personally don't necessarily want to live there myself - but it's certainly an awesome place. 

4. New Hampshire

New Hampshire comes in as the top state in the nation on a lot of lists. Remember that Estately.com ranking I talked about in the introduction to this list?  NH won that due to its essential quality of life factors including a lack of vape shops, Nickelback concerts, Chris Brown fans, and people who ride hoverboards. Also remember how I've talked about the libertarian Cato Institute's ranking of the "free-est" states? NH is not lying with its "Live Free or Die [Hard]" slogan. Politico ranked it as the #1 state in the US, as did the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, and I'm sure some local newspaper in Concord must have too. I dunno. New Hampshire is also sales tax-free, has the lowest poverty rate in the country, has one of the lowest rates of violent crime, low unemployment, some of the highest primary school and college graduation rates, high equality for women, high life expectancy, great health, and low obesity rates. Other than a relatively low ranking in regards to advance degrees, New Hampshire never falls below #21 in any of the rankings. The only thing bad I really have to say about it is... come on... that whole "Old Man in the Mountain" thing? That's what you put on your state quarter? That's what you thought the most iconic thing about your state was? A rock formation that some people thought vaguely (but not really) looked sorta, kinda maybe a tiny bit like a man's face if you were really creative? I'm glad the damn thing collapsed. The fact that there even is a Wikipedia page for "List of rock formations that resemble human beings" means that people have waaaaaaay too much time on their hands.

3. Minnesota

Ice Hockey is the official sport, bird, drink, fish, flower,
gemstone, mammal, and language of Minnesota

Minnesota is ranked pretty high up here at #3, but let's start by talking about how it sucks before we explain why It's actually pretty nice. Minnesota is a SUPER lillywhite place (which probably explains why they like hockey so much) that comes in #50 in racial integration. The chasm between opportunities between Blacks and Whites in Minnesota is horrendous. Worst than the deepest of the Deep South. The only exception was Prince (RIP). So just like Utah is a great place unless you're a woman - Minnesota is a great place unless you're a minority. Beyond that, Minnesota puts up some amazing quality of life statistics that will make you forget about the fact that it's just a frozen wasteland of sorrow. It has the best healthcare in the nation, the second best life expectancy and high rates of graduation from school. People who live there have amazingly high senses of well-being, there is no poverty (unless you're Black, of course), women have ample opportunities, unemployment is low, crime rates are low, and obesity rates are low. I'd kind of want to bump Minnesota down because all their annoying butter sculptures (ah, the Midwest)... but I suppose that's countered by the fact that Minnesota gave us Jessica Biel and General Mills cereal. All those lakes and indecipherable Bob Dylan songs though? BORING. 10,000+ lakes is just too many lakes. Give some of those lakes to dry-ass Arizona.

2. Vermont

Vermont coming in at #2 shouldn't surprise you after New Hampshire came in at #4. These are practically the same state. If you look at them next to each other on a map... can you tell which one is which if it's not labeled? Maybe. Does it really matter? No. Vermont rises up to #2 with its slightly better quality of life statistics which include being the safest state in the country (crime-wise), excelling at education at all levels, super low unemployment, super high equality for women, high life expectancy, and the great physical health of its residents. Based on a similar statistical analysis, the Washington Post called Vermont the best state in 2014 and they're obviously not that far off from my rankings. I know you might not be thinking of Vermont as the most exciting place in the world with a ton of things to do. But if you think that way, you might be severely under-estimating just how more complete your life would be if you bathed in maple syrup every day. And any "intangible" I could have used to rank Vermont a little lower is instantly negated by the fact that Vermont gave us Ben and Jerry's. If Autumn is your favorite season (as it should be to any sane person) - Vermont is the place to be.

1. Hawaii

This should not surprise you at all.

This one wasn't even close, both with regards to the actual statistics and with regard to the "intangibles," which would have only moved Hawaii up further if possible. Hawaii easily came in #1 in the nation in people's well-being, women's equality, racial integration, and life expectancy. It's also the second least obese state (surprising with all those stereotypes about big Polynesians, considering that the seven fattest nations in the world are all Pacific Island nations). It finishes in the top 10 in employment, healthcare, high school education, and low levels of poverty. For everything else it fell into the top 20. Hawaii is bad at nothing and is either excellent or above average at everything. And that's just the statistics. With regard to the other types of factors I use to rank the states - hot damn, Hawaii is a beautiful, warm (but not too hot), pleasant collection of islands with amazing and diverse scenery ranging from beaches to tropical rain forests to jungles to volcanoes. It's also the only state in the union you won't be judged in for having an umbrella in your drink. Hawaii has a diverse and unique culture with its own cuisine, customs, etiquette, and music. [UPDATE: Note that I've stumbled upon and updated this entry. It originally also mentioned something about Tusli Gabbard here. That was before she revealed that she was an insane pro-Putin, pro-Assad insane woman who liked murderous dictators more than Americans. So yeah... that stuff about her is out now. Forget about that one piece of shit, and just focus on how great the State of Hawaii is]. 

Ed Ranks the United States (Part 4 of 5)

Hey look everyone! It's more states and how I rank them according to a delicate mix of meaningful quality of life factors, in addition to other random and arbitrary factors.

R.I.P Mr. Salmon

20. Alaska

I haven't been, but from what I've seen Alaska looks absolutely beautiful and I've love to go (although, as with Montana - people who go will need to watch out for bears). Women's equality in Alaska? #2 in the nation! Personal sense of well-being? #2 again! High school graduation? Not that far behind at #3! Poverty? One of the lowest rates in the nation with it being the eight least poor state. Integration among races? Surprisingly prevalent! This sounds like a great place - so what's the catch? Other than Sarah Palin and the fact that Alaskans are some of the highest drug abusers in the nation - Alaska is dead worst in the nation for both violent crime and healthcare. Which means if you're shot in Alaska during a fight with one of the Palin kids over meth (which, again, is a near statistical certainly if you're there) then you might as well not even go to the hospital because you'll just die there anyway.

19. Delaware

Delaware is not at all that interesting to me, and this is one of those ones where I just let it lay wherever it wound up based on the mathematical analysis. Delaware has no intangibles - positive or negative. Why dedicate any more effort to talking about this tiny, meaningless state? It's not even famous for being boring like North Dakota or Wyoming. It's simply just not famous at all. Delaware people... nobody cares that you were the "first" state. It doesn't impress anyone. You managed to ratify the Constitution a whole five days sooner than Pennsylvania because your convention had a smaller number of members and the compromise text totally benefited you by giving your tiny worthless state the same number of senators as more populated states. Big fucking deal. You only come in this high because you have below average poverty, above average education, tax-free shopping, and really nothing else intensively negative to say about you. But if we just made you a county in Maryland and turned DC or Puerto Rico the 50th state to keep the stars on the flag consistent, nobody would notice or care that Delaware went missing.

18. Oregon

Oregon (or Washington-Lite, as its known) is a cool little state and Portland (or Seattle-Lite, as its known) seems like a cool little place that I'd want to visit sometime. And since we've already cracked a few places into the top 20 we can go ahead and call this state, and all other states after it, "good" states. Will these states have problems still? Sure. Oregon has high unemployment and poverty, as well as below average well-being rankings and healthcare. But it's also got low crime, ample opportunities for women, and solidly great education at all levels (high school, college, and advanced). Oregon has no sales tax, delicious food, and beautiful scenery. And if you're the type of person who likes smelling awful and being judged - don't forget about all the weed here! The one word of caution - you're going to need a pretty high tolerance for hipsters.What's up with acquitting those dildo-laden militia idiots though? I'll leave you here at 18, Oregon. But if you pull some shit like that again you're going to wind up somewhere around Arkansas.

This state is 45% rich people mansions

17. Rhode Island

Rhode Island is the smallest state and there really isn't anything else too interesting to say about it. Honestly, it's probably most famous for being the setting of Family Guy these days. If you're thinking of renting a cabin in New England and going to look at pretty leaves in the fall... you're probably going to go to Vermont, New Hampshire or Maine instead.  CNBC ranked Rhode Island as the worst state for businesses and infrastructure - but who cares about CNBC? Rhode Island comes in pretty high for higher education, and is one of the top 10 lowest crime states in the union. And honestly, Rhode Island could have been ranked a little higher if Tom Hiddleston had just drowned Taylor Swift there (not that I'd encourage murder, that's terrible! *shifty eyes*). Pawtucket, Rhode Island is the headquarters of Hasbro, so you can thank them for Transformers, GI Joe, and My Little Pony too (if you're into that kind of thing, MIKE). And after M.A.S.K. too after they acquired the rights from Kenner. Do you remember M.A.S.K.? Probably not, nobody does. Let's move on.

Although this is inexplicably a hat in this state

16. Wisconsin

Green Bay boasts that it is the "Toilet Paper Capital of the World," which is a fairly lame thing to be proud about. They may want to strike some sort of TP-for-Oil deal with Venezuela, if you ask me. Do you like dairy? Sure you do! I mean, I guess unless you're lactose intolerant. Do you like beer? Milwaukee named their team the "Brewers," so they have that too! Wisconsin is above average in life expectancy (definitive proof that cheese and beer is good for you), women's equality, personal well-being, high school graduation (even Fonzie eventually graduated and he was a slacker), and is below average in the bad things like crime rates and poverty. What does Wisconsin suck at? Racial integration. They come in 48 in the nation. Every single state with a Confederate flag has more opportunities for minorities and less segregation than Wisconsin, which is saying a lot. Even wealthy and well-off minorities are essentially forced to live in poorer communities because segregation is so prevalent.


15. New York

As I briefly touched on when discussing Arizona, people in New York think New York is the best and New York is the center of the entire damn world. And this typically means specifically "New York City." Most New York City residents don't even think or remember that the vast majority of their state isn't the city. The Cato Institute (a libertarian think tank - so take that for what it's worth depending on your politics) called New York the least "free" state in the nation. People there also have poor assessments of their well-being, crime is high, high school education is low, healthcare is poor, and poverty is prevalent. On the flip side, New York is one of the best states for higher education, women's equality, life expectancy, and the overall physical health of its people (including factors such as low obesity). Sure, New York City is a great city... to visit. I don't think I could ever live there. I don't understand people who could actually permanently live in a place like that. Oh, and as for the racial integration and opportunity thing... I think I'll defer to John Oliver to talk about that one.

It's "If you build it, he will come." Get it right, people.

14. Iowa

Prepare to be offended, New Yorkers! Yes, I'm saying that these corn-eating motherfuckers in Iowa are better than you. Iowa, isn't this fly over country? Yes, it is. But if for some reason you have to stop in the middle of the country it might as well be Iowa. Why? Good primary education, good healthcare, low unemployment, high self-worth, high life expectancy, low crime, low poverty, and lots of opportunities for women. So really, the only thing that drives Iowa down is the "boringness" factor. But is it really as boring as a North Dakota? Of course not, or I would have ranked it down there. Maybe you should check out the Great River Road National Scenic Byway or the field from Field of Dreams. Yeah, that's right - the awesomeness of Field of Dreams is being included in these ranking weights (sorry angry North Carolinians who think you should have been ranked high, Bull Durham is shit and didn't help you any). Of course with Iowa I was going to go back to mentioning corn again. Let's not knock corn. Corn is delicious. Just imagine Mexican food without maize. It's also used in chemicals, bio-feul, fodder for animal feed, and is the primary ingredient in the second most American thing after Jazz music - bourbon. Not a fan of HFCS? Yeah, well I guess that's why Iowa has some pretty high obesity rates. Still, if you're not the type of person who wants to live on the highly populated coasts and you just want to settle down and live on a farm somewhere - you might as well choose Iowa.

13. California

Another thing which will thoroughly annoy New Yorkers is that I have just ranked their arch nemeis, California, above them. I'm not going to say anything nice about Los Angeles, because Los Angeles is one of the most terrible places in the world and New York City is clearly better. But state-wide, California has a lot more to offer. Nicer weather, all those beaches, great wine, and Mexican food (yeah, I mentioned Mexican food twice in a row. But just because they make corn in Iowa doesn't mean you'll want to eat Mexican food there. The best place in the US for Mexican is Cali). California ranks in the top 5 states in the nation for women's equality, racial integration, the health of its people, and life expectancy. What sucks about California? It's near the bottom for high school education ranks (it's almost as bad as Mississippi and Texas), and there is high unemployment and poverty. And let me tell something to all you Californians out there that you don't want to hear: In-N-Out Burger is one of the most overrated things in the history of time. I'm sorry, but it's just barely better than McDonalds. After hearing all this talk about In-N-Out form every damn Californian I've ever met, I was so hyped the first time I went to one. Five Guys and Shake Shack are infinitely better.

12. Virginia

I'm not personally a huge fan of capitol of the Confederate States of America, but the statistics tell me that by biases might be wrong. Or at least there is enough good stuff in Northern Virginia to make up for the fact that the rest of the state has places named "Lynchberg" (named after someone named "Lynch?" Suuuuuuuure, Virginians. Tell yourself whatever you want to sleep at night). Virginia has low crime, great higher education, low unemployment (thanks military industrial complex propped up around the Pentagon!), high racial integration, good healthcare, a generally positive well-being index, and a lot of other good stuff. In throwing the statics together - Virginia came in above average in the nation for all the good things and below average for all the bad things with one exception: women's equality and opportunities are pretty low (#41). And while that's terrible, shouldn't we all (regardless of sex) be willing to give up just a little bit of our freedom and equality in exchange for great Vietnamese food at the Eden Center? If you're Virginian and don't know what I'm talking about, then you're from the part of Virginia that is an Alabama exclave. If you don't know what the word "exclave" means, then you were probably also educated in that part of Virginia.

It was either this, or a picture of a moose at a lighthouse drinking maple syrup

11. Maine

Maine is a bigger state than you might imagine - being larger than the rest of New England combined. Because of that, it has 542,629 acres of beautiful parkland that you can visit for the three months of the year that it's not unbearably cold and miserable. But for those three months you have amazing coastline, rivers, lakes, lighthouses and other things you can do. If has the second lowest violent crime rate in the nation, is the third best state for women's equality, and is great at education and healthcare. Quality of lobsters isn't actually a weight I used for my statistics, but rest assured if it was - Maine would benefited from it. Like Wisconsin though, Maine has a bit of a racial integration problem for the five Black people that live there. Wait, what's that? Steve left last month? Okay... correction... for the four Black people that live there.

Next ranking... I finish off the states! Who will be #1? The anticipation is killing you, isn't it? What thrilling cliffhanger to keep you in suspense! Just kidding, it will be Hawaii (obviously).

Ed Ranks the United States (Part 3 of 5)

So, the rankings of the states continues after a brief intermission. We're in the middle here, so don't expect to be blown away by all of this average-ness. However, at least we've climbed out from the depths of states which are just miserable.

Yellowstone! And absolutely nothing else other than that.

30. Wyoming

Wyoming comes in #1 in the nation for graduating kids from high school. It has the third least poverty and violent crime in the nation. It has the fifth highest well-being index and the sixth lowest healthcare. Wyoming should be great based on all of that, right? Nope, because it's still Wyoming. Here are a list of things to do in Wyoming:

1. ...

Notice how there was nothing there except three dots? I thought you might! Which is why Wyoming, by far, recently had the highest suicide rate in the United States according to the CDC. It also has shitty healthcare. And while I did note that it was the top at graduating from high school, that doesn't carry over any further than that because when you move onto any level of higher education, Wyoming drops to the bottom 10 in the nation.

29. Texas

It even surprises me that Texas made it this high. It would have been much lower if I had just ranked Texas according to my own biased thoughts and opinions (as I originally intended) rather than by looking at actual statistics. Depending on what ranking you look at - Texas is either the dead last at high school graduation, or at the very least near the last (with Mississippi, of course, being its competitor for worst-ness). Its obesity rates are terrible (everything is bigger in Texas, thanks to brisket and Tex-Mex). A 2016 report named Texas as one of the worst states to grow up in (a fact I'm sure is heavily tied to the poor education performance). And they have the Dallas Cowboys - which in itself means that I should have ranked it as last out of principle. But you know what? Texas is the third most racially integrated state in the nation, has extremely high self-assessments of of well-being, and it has high employment. And their flag isn't even Confederate - although it is stolen from Chile, whose flag came two decades before Texas. Get an original flag, Texas!

28. North Carolina

North Carolina has a bit of a North Dakota problem, in that I can't think of anything I'd actually want to do there. The Outer Banks? Eh. How is that different than the seashore anywhere else on the coasts? At least South of the Border is actually south of the Carolina border, because if that shit show was in North Carolina - the two states could easily flip positions. North Carolina BBQ is clearly the worst BBQ is the US, hands down. I'm not saying it's terrible - but it doesn't even come close to competing with Texas, Kansas City or Memphis. And I'm talking about both Lexington-style and East-style Carolina BBQ. Statistics-wise with a lot of the quality of life indicators, there is almost nothing to say about North Carolina. It ranks in the middle-to-low on nearly all the statistics. Also, Fuck Duke.

27. Florida

Hello, I am your neighbor!

Florida will be the highest ranking state that still holds onto what is essentially just the Confederate flag. Oh, these liars will tell you that it's a tribute to the old "Cross of Burgundy" and has nothing to do with the Confederacy... but really? Aside from the obvious Florida problems (hurricanes, old people who can't drive, alligators eating babies, Mark Rubio) - Florida has a lot of nice things that attract people to it. Disney World. Cape Canaveral. All those hot Latin girls in Miami. So you've got to balance the good attractions with the bad stuff. Bad stuff like fifth highest rate of violent crime in the nation, shitty healthcare, high poverty rates, and middling high school graduation rates. There are also a lot of intangibles about Florida which make you just shake your head and go, "Yep... that sounds like Florida!" That special kind of crazy has led it to have its own well-deserved Fark tag.

26. Arizona

Gawker named Arizona as the worst state. But Gawker, which was (past tense intentional) based in New York City, also rated New York as the #1 state because they're shitty urban elitist liberal assholes who think they are the center of the universe. So is their opinion of Arizona accurate? No. There are a LOT of states far worse than Arizona, as you've seen. So does that make Arizona a good state? No. It's the second worst state for opportunities for young people, one in five homes in the state are vacant, its the sixth worst state for underprivileged children, and it has a high rate of crime. But the people of Arizona are generally happy and have a high sense of well-being, and the state ranks above average in a number of the statistical fields I've been looking at. Arizona is a middle-of-the-pack state, and could easily be elevated higher if Jan "Crypt Keeper" Brewer and Sheriff Joe were sent in a rocket ship to space (and the rocket ship malfunctioned and blew up).

25. New Jersey

Self-Explanatory

A 2015 YouGov poll determined that most Americans think that New Jersey is the worst state. It's famous for being mobbed up, having the now-desolate Atlantic City, being filled with toxic waste, and (worst of all) having Jersey Shore people. Its reputation for spray-tanned guidos, pollution and concrete aside - Jersey is also terrible at women's equality (third worst in the nation), has crappy healthcare, and low senses of well-being among its residents. Probably because they're all subjected to awful Bruce Springsteen songs all day long. What is it good at? Higher education, low rates of poverty, and higher-than-average life expectancy. Who would have thought that people in New Jersey live longer? They must not count the people whose feet are put in concrete and dropped into their filthy bays. And what's with the not pumping your own gas thing? That's just stupid, New Jersey. This is 2016 and we're all grown adults. We can pump gas ourselves and don't need some guy to pop out and do it for us like it's the 1950s.

24. South Dakota

In May 2015, the fact that President Obama visited South Dakota made the news. Why? Did he do something important there? No. It was simply because it was the last of the 50 states that he visited. Why put off South Dakota for so long?  Because there is absolutely nothing to do there except look at a rock with some Presidents' faces carved into it. And that in itself isn't even interesting enough for a President to do until six years in office. And that attraction is something specifically dedicated to Presidents. If you were only one of 44 people who held a particular job in the world and they made a giant monument to people who had that job - wouldn't you be somewhat interested in visiting it? Well, Obama wasn't. Because it's not really that interesting. The only good things South Dakota has going for it (and why it soars a ton spots above North Dakota) is the fact that it had great healthcare, low unemployment, high assessments of well-being, great high school graduation rates, and above average life expectancy. 

23. Pennsylvania
In Pennsylvania you have Philly, you have Pittsburgh, and then the rest of the state which is  just Pennsyltucky. Why are there so many confederate flags floating from houses in rural Pennsylvania? Civil War enthusiasts? They do know that Lee lost at Gettysburg, right? Pennsylvania isn't really that terrible at any of the quality of life factors I'm weighing... other than in women's equality, where it is surprisingly ranked way down at #47 of 50. But beyond that, they don't crack the bottom 10 in any category. Nor do they crack the top 10 at being good at anything either - with their best statistic being ranked #11 in the nation at healthcare. Pennsylvania is a solidly mediocre state right in the middle of almost all the ratings. And so it also sits here in just about the middle.

22. Illinois

Unlike Pennsylvania, which is in the middle because it's consistently average at everything - Illinois' numbers are all over the place. It's good at things like higher education, women's equality, and healthcare, but then also poor at things like crime, unemployment, racial integration, and getting opportunities for poorer people access to basic education. It has been ranked the second worst run state ("Chicago-style politics" being a term regularly used to describe corruption), it's one of the worst states to live in for taxes, near the bottom for attracting business, comes in last at access to childcare for working families, and is the state with the most people leaving it. But hey! Chicago's pretty awesome and their food is unhealthy but good, right? And what about that backwards flowing river, huh? No? (Update 11/3 - And what about those Cubs too, huh?)

21. Montana

90% of the state looks like this

If you were in elementary school and had to take one of those "name all 50 states" quizzes and could never do better than 49 out of 50 there is a good chance that Montana is the reason why. I mean I'm sitting here ranking the states and I can barely remember that Montana even exists. It has some of the lowest incomes in the nation (although the cost of living isn't that high) and a huge number of work-related accidents (that fellow boring states like Wyoming don't suffer from). Its opportunities for women are also pretty mediocre. So what makes boring-ass Montana better than a place like, say, Texas? Because Montanans score highly on the well-being index, have extremely low obesity rates, high rates of high school graduation, and low unemployment. And while I could make the usual "there is nothing to do in Montana" jokes... that wouldn't be accurate because ohmygod Montana is beautiful. Have you seen pictures of Glacier National Park or Big Sky? I kind of want to go right now, but I also don't want to be eaten by bears.  Montana is the type of place you could just go to get away from it all for, oh, say 20 years.