And here we are! The finale of an exciting five-part drama. These are the states that are the best of the best. If you really need an explanation or refresher about how I've come to these conclusions, go back to Part 1. Just remember, these ranks are definitive and nobody can argue with them. The way I rank things is indisputable and never wrong.
10. Washington
Washington state is much more than just Seattle, although Seattle is indeed a factor in why the state ranks so high. Washington is an extremely ecologically diverse state - you might only think of it as being "that rainy place where everyone commits suicide," but it also has mountains, plains, "high dessert," glaciers, and volcanoes. Being on the coast, it obviously has a lot of beautiful islands, waterways and coastlines. If you like coffee, beer, cherries, or apples - thank Washington for doing these things awesomely. Even if the beer you like wasn't brewed in Washington, there is a good chance the hops in it came from there. Is it a bit hipster/liberal/hippy? Sure it is. At least some places - remember it is very diverse. But if you want to complain about "the liberals" destroying opportunities for business - you might want to consider how Washington has produced Microsoft, Amazon, Starbucks, Norstrom, REI, Boing, Eddie Bauer, and UPS. Washington also excels at higher education, opportunities for women, and life expectancy. I know, the life expectancy stat surprised me too. The whole "suicide" thing is completely overstated - Washington ranks #22 in that, and its rate is just slightly above the national average. And at least one of those suicides we know was really a murder.
9. Utah
Utah, really? In the top 10? I almost can't believe I'm ranking it here either. I can't think of Utah without thinking of the Donner Party (a type of party you should politely refuse to attend, if invited). But the stats don't lie. Utah finishes in the best of the best states for employment, healthcare and overall health, personal well-being, low crime, primary education, and low poverty rates. It's almost one of the best at everything! Well, except for one thing in which it's absolutely the worst in the nation - women's equality. This shouldn't come as much of a surprise to you, honestly. Utah is a terrible state to be a women unless you're the type of woman who's totally into the whole "I'm the property of a man" thing. Utah is also the highest rated deep "red" state on my list, which isn't specifically intentional. I tried to avoid placing any inherently political left or right statistics into my ranking weights and it just so came out that red states sucked in a lot of ways. Utah is the exception to the rule. Unless, again, you're a women. In which case, you might consider moving to a place with slightly more opportunities for you. You know, like the Middle East.
8. Connecticut
Connecticut is another one of those states where its place is my rankings is all due to math. I'm not sure I've actually even been there at all (maybe I drove through it?) and don't know enough about it to form any strong personal opinions. People there are highly educated, live long, have extremely low rates of poverty and crime, and have an overall excellent-to-above average quality of life in many ways. Employment, racial integration, and women's equality are the only categories it falls below average among the states in - and even there it's just barely below average and not anywhere close to the bottom. I'm sure it has tasty seafood and a lot of the great things you can say about other New England states (many of which are highly ranked) you can say about Connecticut. The only bad thing I can say about it is that, geographically, it's half-way between New York City and Boston. Which means the state can be pretty much divided along West/East lines among Yankees and Red Sox fans. And both types of people are tied as equally intolerable.
7. Maryland
As I've mentioned several times through these rankings, to rank the states I used a lot of different statistics about quality of life (14 different factors) and came up with some initial raw numbers. After that, I went ahead and moved a couple of states up or down a little based on some intangibles that those stats couldn't account for (such as your state being a boring hellhole like Wyoming where everyone kills themselves). Because I'm from Maryland, I knew I'd be completely biased with any of those intangibles so I left this one purely to the math and statistics alone. That means no positive intangibles to move it up a little (like that its crabs are the best and that Old Bay is the manna from heaven described in Exodus 16:1-39) or negative intangibles to move it down (like how Baltimore is only featured on TV shows about people being murdered) Why is Maryland ranked so high? It's the #1 state in the country for college degrees and #2 state for advanced degrees beyond college. It also has the second best healthcare in the nation, and is the fourth best state for meaningful economic and social integration of minority populations. It ranks high in most of the other factors as well. The only time Maryland comes in the bottom 10 of the states is with regard to violent crime. So I guess that Baltimore TV show is accounted for after all.
6. Massachusetts
Massachusetts people are the worst. Red Sox fans, Patriots fans, that racist piece of shit Mark Wahlberg who people now inexplicably love. For being so "liberal" (the 5th most liberal voting state based on some 2016 stats) - it ranks waaaaay down at #35 for racial integration, which should be no surprise if you've ever met a Southie. If there is one thing I can't stand it's racism. Especially racism from filthy, drunken, potato-eating Micks (don't worry, I'm allowed to say that - I'm 14% genetically Irish according to Ancestry DNA). Personally I'd much rather be in a lot of the states ranked lower than Massachusetts - but here's the reason why it comes in so high: it's tied with Maryland for #1 in college education, and it's also #1 in advanced degrees beyond college. It also has extremely healthy people with long lifespans, low rates of poverty, great healthcare (thanks Mitt Romney), and is above average for states with regard to opportunities and equality for women. Look, Boston is pretty but unfortunately suffers from terrible traffic and the fact that people from Boston live there.
5. Colorado
Once you get used to the altitude and the cold, Colorado has a little bit to offer to everybody. Colorado is probably the quintessential "purple state" (or swing state) that should be equally inviting to people of any political leaning. Colorado is a state defined by pragmatism and people that often verge from "radical centrist" to what's been called "South Park Republican" (which is just a sort of a libertarian that really likes fart jokes). Colorado is also downright beautiful, unless you hate mountains or something. It's the healthiest and least obese state in the nation (at least for now, marijuana legalization could really up their Cheetos consumption in the next few years). It comes in #3 for states in people receiving college degrees, #4 in self-assessed personal well-being, and also scores highly across the board in a number of other quality of life statistics. In all the stats I used, Colorado never fell lower than #36 in anything, which in itself is just a little below the average. Like a lot of other places on this list, I personally don't necessarily want to live there myself - but it's certainly an awesome place.
4. New Hampshire
New Hampshire comes in as the top state in the nation on a lot of lists. Remember that Estately.com ranking I talked about in the introduction to this list? NH won that due to its essential quality of life factors including a lack of vape shops, Nickelback concerts, Chris Brown fans, and people who ride hoverboards. Also remember how I've talked about the libertarian Cato Institute's ranking of the "free-est" states? NH is not lying with its "Live Free or Die [Hard]" slogan. Politico ranked it as the #1 state in the US, as did the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, and I'm sure some local newspaper in Concord must have too. I dunno. New Hampshire is also sales tax-free, has the lowest poverty rate in the country, has one of the lowest rates of violent crime, low unemployment, some of the highest primary school and college graduation rates, high equality for women, high life expectancy, great health, and low obesity rates. Other than a relatively low ranking in regards to advance degrees, New Hampshire never falls below #21 in any of the rankings. The only thing bad I really have to say about it is... come on... that whole "Old Man in the Mountain" thing? That's what you put on your state quarter? That's what you thought the most iconic thing about your state was? A rock formation that some people thought vaguely (but not really) looked sorta, kinda maybe a tiny bit like a man's face if you were really creative? I'm glad the damn thing collapsed. The fact that there even is a Wikipedia page for "List of rock formations that resemble human beings" means that people have waaaaaaay too much time on their hands.
3. Minnesota
Minnesota is ranked pretty high up here at #3, but let's start by talking about how it sucks before we explain why It's actually pretty nice. Minnesota is a SUPER lillywhite place (which probably explains why they like hockey so much) that comes in #50 in racial integration. The chasm between opportunities between Blacks and Whites in Minnesota is horrendous. Worst than the deepest of the Deep South. The only exception was Prince (RIP). So just like Utah is a great place unless you're a woman - Minnesota is a great place unless you're a minority. Beyond that, Minnesota puts up some amazing quality of life statistics that will make you forget about the fact that it's just a frozen wasteland of sorrow. It has the best healthcare in the nation, the second best life expectancy and high rates of graduation from school. People who live there have amazingly high senses of well-being, there is no poverty (unless you're Black, of course), women have ample opportunities, unemployment is low, crime rates are low, and obesity rates are low. I'd kind of want to bump Minnesota down because all their annoying butter sculptures (ah, the Midwest)... but I suppose that's countered by the fact that Minnesota gave us Jessica Biel and General Mills cereal. All those lakes and indecipherable Bob Dylan songs though? BORING. 10,000+ lakes is just too many lakes. Give some of those lakes to dry-ass Arizona.
2. Vermont
Vermont coming in at #2 shouldn't surprise you after New Hampshire came in at #4. These are practically the same state. If you look at them next to each other on a map... can you tell which one is which if it's not labeled? Maybe. Does it really matter? No. Vermont rises up to #2 with its slightly better quality of life statistics which include being the safest state in the country (crime-wise), excelling at education at all levels, super low unemployment, super high equality for women, high life expectancy, and the great physical health of its residents. Based on a similar statistical analysis, the Washington Post called Vermont the best state in 2014 and they're obviously not that far off from my rankings. I know you might not be thinking of Vermont as the most exciting place in the world with a ton of things to do. But if you think that way, you might be severely under-estimating just how more complete your life would be if you bathed in maple syrup every day. And any "intangible" I could have used to rank Vermont a little lower is instantly negated by the fact that Vermont gave us Ben and Jerry's. If Autumn is your favorite season (as it should be to any sane person) - Vermont is the place to be.
1. Hawaii
This one wasn't even close, both with regards to the actual statistics and with regard to the "intangibles," which would have only moved Hawaii up further if possible. Hawaii easily came in #1 in the nation in people's well-being, women's equality, racial integration, and life expectancy. It's also the second least obese state (surprising with all those stereotypes about big Polynesians, considering that the seven fattest nations in the world are all Pacific Island nations). It finishes in the top 10 in employment, healthcare, high school education, and low levels of poverty. For everything else it fell into the top 20. Hawaii is bad at nothing and is either excellent or above average at everything. And that's just the statistics. With regard to the other types of factors I use to rank the states - hot damn, Hawaii is a beautiful, warm (but not too hot), pleasant collection of islands with amazing and diverse scenery ranging from beaches to tropical rain forests to jungles to volcanoes. It's also the only state in the union you won't be judged in for having an umbrella in your drink. Hawaii has a diverse and unique culture with its own cuisine, customs, etiquette, and music. [UPDATE: Note that I've stumbled upon and updated this entry. It originally also mentioned something about Tusli Gabbard here. That was before she revealed that she was an insane pro-Putin, pro-Assad insane woman who liked murderous dictators more than Americans. So yeah... that stuff about her is out now. Forget about that one piece of shit, and just focus on how great the State of Hawaii is].
10. Washington
 |
| Nope, not Toronto. This is the other one. |
9. Utah
Utah, really? In the top 10? I almost can't believe I'm ranking it here either. I can't think of Utah without thinking of the Donner Party (a type of party you should politely refuse to attend, if invited). But the stats don't lie. Utah finishes in the best of the best states for employment, healthcare and overall health, personal well-being, low crime, primary education, and low poverty rates. It's almost one of the best at everything! Well, except for one thing in which it's absolutely the worst in the nation - women's equality. This shouldn't come as much of a surprise to you, honestly. Utah is a terrible state to be a women unless you're the type of woman who's totally into the whole "I'm the property of a man" thing. Utah is also the highest rated deep "red" state on my list, which isn't specifically intentional. I tried to avoid placing any inherently political left or right statistics into my ranking weights and it just so came out that red states sucked in a lot of ways. Utah is the exception to the rule. Unless, again, you're a women. In which case, you might consider moving to a place with slightly more opportunities for you. You know, like the Middle East.
8. Connecticut
Connecticut is another one of those states where its place is my rankings is all due to math. I'm not sure I've actually even been there at all (maybe I drove through it?) and don't know enough about it to form any strong personal opinions. People there are highly educated, live long, have extremely low rates of poverty and crime, and have an overall excellent-to-above average quality of life in many ways. Employment, racial integration, and women's equality are the only categories it falls below average among the states in - and even there it's just barely below average and not anywhere close to the bottom. I'm sure it has tasty seafood and a lot of the great things you can say about other New England states (many of which are highly ranked) you can say about Connecticut. The only bad thing I can say about it is that, geographically, it's half-way between New York City and Boston. Which means the state can be pretty much divided along West/East lines among Yankees and Red Sox fans. And both types of people are tied as equally intolerable.
7. Maryland
 |
| Maryland in a nutshell. Or crab shell, I guess. |
As I've mentioned several times through these rankings, to rank the states I used a lot of different statistics about quality of life (14 different factors) and came up with some initial raw numbers. After that, I went ahead and moved a couple of states up or down a little based on some intangibles that those stats couldn't account for (such as your state being a boring hellhole like Wyoming where everyone kills themselves). Because I'm from Maryland, I knew I'd be completely biased with any of those intangibles so I left this one purely to the math and statistics alone. That means no positive intangibles to move it up a little (like that its crabs are the best and that Old Bay is the manna from heaven described in Exodus 16:1-39) or negative intangibles to move it down (like how Baltimore is only featured on TV shows about people being murdered) Why is Maryland ranked so high? It's the #1 state in the country for college degrees and #2 state for advanced degrees beyond college. It also has the second best healthcare in the nation, and is the fourth best state for meaningful economic and social integration of minority populations. It ranks high in most of the other factors as well. The only time Maryland comes in the bottom 10 of the states is with regard to violent crime. So I guess that Baltimore TV show is accounted for after all.
6. Massachusetts
Massachusetts people are the worst. Red Sox fans, Patriots fans, that racist piece of shit Mark Wahlberg who people now inexplicably love. For being so "liberal" (the 5th most liberal voting state based on some 2016 stats) - it ranks waaaaay down at #35 for racial integration, which should be no surprise if you've ever met a Southie. If there is one thing I can't stand it's racism. Especially racism from filthy, drunken, potato-eating Micks (don't worry, I'm allowed to say that - I'm 14% genetically Irish according to Ancestry DNA). Personally I'd much rather be in a lot of the states ranked lower than Massachusetts - but here's the reason why it comes in so high: it's tied with Maryland for #1 in college education, and it's also #1 in advanced degrees beyond college. It also has extremely healthy people with long lifespans, low rates of poverty, great healthcare (thanks Mitt Romney), and is above average for states with regard to opportunities and equality for women. Look, Boston is pretty but unfortunately suffers from terrible traffic and the fact that people from Boston live there.
5. Colorado
 |
| So. Pretty. |
4. New Hampshire
New Hampshire comes in as the top state in the nation on a lot of lists. Remember that Estately.com ranking I talked about in the introduction to this list? NH won that due to its essential quality of life factors including a lack of vape shops, Nickelback concerts, Chris Brown fans, and people who ride hoverboards. Also remember how I've talked about the libertarian Cato Institute's ranking of the "free-est" states? NH is not lying with its "Live Free or Die [Hard]" slogan. Politico ranked it as the #1 state in the US, as did the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, and I'm sure some local newspaper in Concord must have too. I dunno. New Hampshire is also sales tax-free, has the lowest poverty rate in the country, has one of the lowest rates of violent crime, low unemployment, some of the highest primary school and college graduation rates, high equality for women, high life expectancy, great health, and low obesity rates. Other than a relatively low ranking in regards to advance degrees, New Hampshire never falls below #21 in any of the rankings. The only thing bad I really have to say about it is... come on... that whole "Old Man in the Mountain" thing? That's what you put on your state quarter? That's what you thought the most iconic thing about your state was? A rock formation that some people thought vaguely (but not really) looked sorta, kinda maybe a tiny bit like a man's face if you were really creative? I'm glad the damn thing collapsed. The fact that there even is a Wikipedia page for "List of rock formations that resemble human beings" means that people have waaaaaaay too much time on their hands.
3. Minnesota
 |
| Ice Hockey is the official sport, bird, drink, fish, flower, gemstone, mammal, and language of Minnesota |
2. Vermont
Vermont coming in at #2 shouldn't surprise you after New Hampshire came in at #4. These are practically the same state. If you look at them next to each other on a map... can you tell which one is which if it's not labeled? Maybe. Does it really matter? No. Vermont rises up to #2 with its slightly better quality of life statistics which include being the safest state in the country (crime-wise), excelling at education at all levels, super low unemployment, super high equality for women, high life expectancy, and the great physical health of its residents. Based on a similar statistical analysis, the Washington Post called Vermont the best state in 2014 and they're obviously not that far off from my rankings. I know you might not be thinking of Vermont as the most exciting place in the world with a ton of things to do. But if you think that way, you might be severely under-estimating just how more complete your life would be if you bathed in maple syrup every day. And any "intangible" I could have used to rank Vermont a little lower is instantly negated by the fact that Vermont gave us Ben and Jerry's. If Autumn is your favorite season (as it should be to any sane person) - Vermont is the place to be.
1. Hawaii
 |
| This should not surprise you at all. |
No comments:
Post a Comment