Ed Ranks Seasons of "House of Cards"

House of Cards Season Five will be out this May. Let's talk about the first four seasons. 

4. Season Three: Ohmygod this is the worst. I haven't even finished watching all of House of Cards because this season was so bad. I just stopped and took a break away from it.  Did anything interesting at all happen this season? No. Was it our goal to watch Frank Underwood manipulate his way to the top only do be a total failure as President? No. And the ending with [spoiler] Claire leaving Frank? Was that supposed to be a shock or surprising cliffhanger? Well it wasn't. Isn't this like the fourth time that's happened on the show now in three seasons? It happens like every six episodes, on average. Nobody gives a shit anymore about that. Their relationship is crap and built on lies. We get it.

3. Season Four: I haven't actually watched this season. Haven't you been paying attention? I just told you I had to take a break from it after how awful Season Three was.  But there is no way it could be worse. If the entirety of Season Four is Frank Underwood undergoing a colonoscopy, then it would still be a vast improvement over Season Three. Did I mention how bad Season Three was? Oh my god, those Fake Putin Episodes were just the worst.

2. Season Two: This one started really good. The ending of the first episode of this season with the train and the whatnot is like the biggest holy shit moment in the history of Netflix. Nothing will be better than that. And to watch Frank cleverly manipulate his way into the Presidency was awesome. But it wasn't as strong as the previous season. Why? Because the main antagonist of this season was Raymond Tusk. Which is completely weak sauce. When the main antagonist is an elderly billionaire nuclear industrialist - how interesting can things really be? I mean it's not like you could stretch that premise for twenty eight seasons.

1. Season One: First Season = Best Season. No wonder this show was so hyped when it started. It deserved to be. Kevin Spacey was at his most Kevin Spacey here. I'll put his performance this season up there with Se7evn, The Usual Suspects, and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Yeah, that's right. It's almost up there with Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Who didn't hear Kevin Spacey doing his Southern accent in Season One and wistfully think back to Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil? How many more times am I going to mention Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil? Two more times: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.  That was one of them. Now that we've got that straight - let's talk about why Season One was so good:

1. The talking to the camera stuff was at it's peak here. I love that! It seems like they forgot about it in later seasons, or barely did it. Him talking to the camera all the time was the best.
2. Zoe Barnes. How great of a dynamic was this messed up relationship?  Based on this performance alone, people though they would be able to stand Kate Mara. Little did they know what was to come.
3. Peter Russo. Oh man, did Frank fuck this dude's life up so hard.
4. Frank manipulates the hell out of everyone in an effort to get exactly what he wants, using cutthroat tactics and... you know what? He GETS WHAT HE WANTS!  This is what everyone wants to see. This cunning, suave, ruthless mofo use hookers and carbon monoxide and the vagina of an ambitious reporter to work his way from House whip (which means nothing, nobody gives a shit about the House whip) to Vice President. And after all that you just KNOW he'll be President soon enough

In conclusion,  Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

Ed Arbitrarily Ranks Teeth According to Nonsenical Personalities Assigned to Them

Look, a tooth.

Rules:

• Baby teeth don't count, obviously. What kind of moron would waste everyone's time by ranking baby teeth?
• Some rankings are meaningless. Like existence. 

31. Mandibular Left Canine - You know who had a mandibular left canine? Vicious Cambodian dictator Pol Pot. Worse than that though - this tooth is one of those types of people teeth that talks about "vaping" all the time, claiming how healthy and natural it is. Ugh. Vaping people are the worst.
31. Maxillary Left Lateral Incisor - I heard this tooth once call your mother a whore. This is a bad egg. And by egg, I mean tooth.
30. Mandibular Right Third Molar - The mandibular right third molar is famous for sharing Alt-Right memes on Facebook. To be avoided at all costs.
29. Mandibular Right Lateral Incisor - This tooth still calls all Asian people "Oriental," no matter how many times you correct it.
28. Maxillary Right Second Molar - This is the tooth that copied off your homework in class, even though you told it that you didn't know the answer to #7. But it copied your #7 exactly the same and the teacher obviously noticed that you both got #7 completely wrong in the exact same way, so the teacher knew one of you were copying the other one. So then you both got in trouble.
27. Mandibular Right Canine - Still won't stop incessantly talking about how Bernie Sanders would have won. Get over it already.
26. Maxillary Right First Molar - The PBR-drinking Hipster tooth. Ugh.
25. Mandibular Left Second Molar - When the mandibular left second molar gets to the bottom of an escalator, it just stands there thinking where to go next. Hey asshole, there are people behind you being pushed down the escalator with nowhere to go except run into you. Move your lame ass!
24. Maxillary Right Central Incisor - Frequently goes to the "12 Items or Less" lane at the grocery store with a full shopping cart. Which is a dick thing to do. But then again, the cashier never seems to enforce it and just lets it slide every time. So some of this is on the cashier. Look, I'm not saying you have to be a Nazi about it. If a tooth has 15 items in the 12 lane, no big deal. Everyone should let that slide. But this is a whole damn cart. If we don't enforce the rules then we don't really have rules at all and the entire Hobbesian social contract we have in place falls apart. Then we're a lawless society where right and wrong have no meaning.
23. Maxillary Left Second Molar - Just had a baby and will not stop handing people its phone to show off the baby pictures. I'm not saying that "nobody cares," maxillary left second molar. I mean the baby is cute and all. In the way that babies are sort of cute (but also sort of hideous). I'm just saying that nobody cares as much as you.
22. Maxillary Left First Molar - Litters.
21. Maxillary Left First Bicuspid - Now we're getting to teeth that are okay. I mean they're not the all time best but they're not jerks either. This tooth is always borrowing crap and never gives it back unless you ask, like, three times. At least it eventually gives it back though.
20. Mandibular Left Central Incisor - An okay tooth, but kind of annoying in the fact that it still thinks "rickrolling" is funny.  It's not 2008 anymore.
19. Mandibular Left First Bicuspid - An old friend who keeps saying it owes you a beer, but always cancels meeting up with you because it's "so busy" masticating.
18. Mandibular Right First Molar - On the good side: this is a tooth that is smart, friendly, kind, and sharing. But it also talks about how Kanye is a genius and the greatest musician. No, he's really not. I'd personally rank him somewhere between Biz Markie and Damon Wimbley a.k.a. "Kool Rock-Ski," a.k.a. "the least talented of the three Fat Boys."
17. Maxillary Left Canine - Fun to hang out with, but once it starts talking about how it's time to do go to the next bar... you know it's time to call it a night and say you need to get home for something early tomorrow that you just remembered. Lush! 
16. Mandibular Right Second Bicuspid - Like a cousin that you don't see too often. It's kind of just there.
15. Mandibular Left First Molar - Sort of a friend, but a little too artsy for your tastes. Should probably spend a little less time on Instagram.
14. Maxillary Right Second Bicuspid - You didn't like the maxillary right second bicuspid at first. In fact, you didn't like any of the bicuspids. When you had your primary teeth you didn't have bicuspids (aka premolars) and you said, "Hey, what the hell is this new tooth?" But you know what? It grew on you. Literally.
13. Maxillary Right Third Molar - The only bad thing you have to say about this tooth was its obsessive Pokemon Go obsession last summer, but it looks like that's been waning.
12. Mandibular Right First Bicuspid - Still sends Christmas cards to you and stuff. Kind of old fashioned, but it's the though that counts - right?
11. Mandibular Left Lateral Incisor - Overall a pretty cool tooth but don't trust it with any secrets. Such a gossiper!
10. Maxillary Left Third Molar - Hahaha, always posting those hilarious animal memes. Sometimes dogs act just like people!
9. Maxillary Right Canine - This tooth is savage and seems to hate everyone. Always talking shit. But you know what? You kind of think it's pretty much right. Whenever you go out with it, you have a professional roaster with you. Like some sort of Don Rickles tooth.
8. Maxillary Left Second Bicuspid - Will tell you when you're being a dick and help set you straight. You don't always appreciate the criticism at the time, but in hindsight it's always spot on and helps you grow as a person.
7. Mandibular Right Central Incisor - This one is such a practical joker. So good with the great self-deprecating humor.
6. Maxillary Right First Bicuspid - Gives you free rides and is never a passive-aggressive dick about it like some teeth that are always hinting about gas money.
5. Maxillary Left Central Incisor - Couldn't make the basketball game and just gave you its tickets for free without asking for anything. How sweet is that? What a bud!
4. Mandibular Right Second Molar - This is, like, the Oprah of Teeth.
3. Mandibular Left Second Bicuspid - Solid water cooler buddy who chats with you at work about  the latest cable TV shows. You can catch up about stuff like Game of Thrones, and back in the day it really got you into Breaking Bad even though you didn't think you'd like it. Boy were you wrong and mandibular left second bicuspid was so right!
2. Mandibular Left Third Molar -MLTM, as it's known by short, is the kind of friend who will help you bury a body... no questions asked.
1. Maxillary Right Lateral Incisor - Always there for you, especially when the times are tough and you were going through that last thing. Yeah, you remember that last thing, right?

Ed Ranks Ten Random Articles on Wikipedia

I hit the "Random article" option on Wikipedia ten times. I got ten different articles. This is how I rank them.

10. MidMichigan Health - I didn't even read this. Boring.

9. George H. Ittleman - Definitely the most unique name that popped up. Ittleman. It seems like there is a missing consonant at the beginning. He was a progressive New York lawyer. Good for him, I guess.

Probably the first hotlink this image has ever had

8. Žurena - Is a village in Bijelo Polje Municipality, in northern Montenegro. According to the 2003 census, the village had a population of 247 people.  That is all Wikipedia has to say about the town. The whole article was in those words. Every word I write now makes my description of Žurena a longer description than any resident of Žurena has ever taken the effort to upload to the most popular and utilized reference website in the world. If the people of Žurena don't care enough about Žurena to talk about it - why should I?

7. Eicher (surname) - Damn, a disambiguation article? Lame! And none of the six people with the surname Eicher were that famous either. There was a Miss Tennessee 2004, an astronomer, a politician, a director, a record producer, and a "chansonnier." No, I don't know what a chansonnier is but I suppose I should since I took four years of French in High School.

6. FC Levante Las Planas - A Spanish football (pronounced: "sok-er") club. I could not be less interested. A section of the article talks about it's "current roster," but it was last updated in 2013. So for four years nobody has cared enouh about this team enough to make any updates to this Wikipedia page. I thought Europeans were supposed to be all into their soccer teams. I guess not. Even the Bowie Baysox page has been updated more recently, and nobody gives a damn about Maryland-based AA minor league baseball.

5. Lewis Colick - An American screenwriter who apparently hasn't done anything since Ladder 49 (2004). I suppose being responsible for Ladder 49 is reason enough to quit writing. OH YEAH, take that Ladder 49! That's what you get for trying to be a fireman movie! Fuck Ladder 49, I'm on Team Backdraft!

4. Seminal Rats - An Australian punk/indie rock band that formed in 1984 and lasted until their lead guitarist died of a heroin overdose in 1999. Hrm. Heroin Are we sure they weren't a grunge band?

Oh that crazy Astrix and his... whatever he did.

3. Pierre Tchernia - Look, I honestly had no idea who this was before seeing this article, but this is a French (obviously, I mean... Pierre!) producer, writer, animator, presenter and actor. He was part of the creation of the first televised news series in France, presented on 14 Eurovision Song Contests, and was a key figure in the production of many Asterix films. You know Asterix, right? He's, like, the third most important Franco-Belgian character after the Smurfs and Tintin. Asterix is like the French Yosemite Sam.  Anyway, looks like Pierre has a solid career. And while it didn't make news--at least in the US--Pierre was another victim of the dastardly curse of 2016. RIP. 

2. Prostitution in Bangladesh - Titillating! This article begins "Prostitution is legal in Bangladesh, but it is not considered a respectable profession." OH PLEASE, TELL ME MORE! YOU'VE WON ME OVER ALREADY! Ready for some fun stats? NGOs estimate 100,000 prostitutes in the country. There are 20 brothel-villages in the country, the largest of which has 1,300 sex workers in it. But then the next sections of the article are titled "Child prostitution", "Violence against prostitutes", "Human trafficking", and "HIV/AIDS."  Great, now I'm much less excited about that whore village. 

Not the villain in John Wick.

1. Cruella de Vil - Sweet! This one is obviously the winner. I felt totally psyched when I got Cruella de Vil. This means I'm ranking someone that's notable enough that I've already ranked her before! This sure is one evil dog killing bitch! Well, actually she didn't kill any dogs that I remember. She just tried to, but failed. Unlike in John Wick. Man, that was so sad when they killed that puppy in John Wick, huh? Wait... why am I talking about John Wick? I'm supposed to be talking about Cruella de Vil.

Ed Ranks The Impressionists

There are a lot of artists out there who you could sort of call "Impressionists." Let's just stick to the main ones who were central figures in the development of the French movement, and who had their works exhibited together in at least some of the eight Impressionist exhibitions held between 1874 and 1886.

Admit it, you have no idea who this is.

12. Armand Guillaumin

This is clearly the least famous or notable of the Impressionists. Mainly he just helped to influence his friends who became better and more famous painters.  A lot of his colors were extremely vivid and intense. Which, in a way, makes him better at being a Post-Impressionist.  Still, if Sunset at Ivry (1873) or La Place Valhubert (1875) aren't "Impressionism," then nothing is.

11. Gustave Caillebotte

The youngest of the Impressionists, he also ranks down there with Guillaumin in terms of being remembered or influential. He also painted in a way that is considered more of a "realistic" manner than his fellow Impressionists, which also notches him down a bit in importance for the movement. The range of his detail to looseness in stroke varied greatly. Paris Street, Rainy Day (1877) seems to be super crisp and detailed in drawings, while The Yellow Fields at Gennevilliers (1884) is the very definition of an Impressionist work. But beyond that painting of his with people doing the flooring... he's not really that famous, is he?

10. Frédéric Bazille

Sort of a pre-Impressionist, he died in 1870... four years before the first Impressionist exhibition. Does that mean I'm breaking the rule I just set up about needing to be from between 1874 and 1886? No, because his works were displayed posthumously at those exhibitions. You can definitely see some of his Impressionist-style in works like Portrait of Renoir (1867), Bazille's Studio (1870), or Le Petit Jardinier (1866-7), but then again a lot of his other works don't look super Impressionistey. That's a word, by the way. Impressionistey.  Bazille wins the award for coolist Impressionist death though. Unlike those other pansy artists, this dude got shot to death in the Franco-Prussian War at the
Battle of Beaune-la-Rolande. Badass! He was the Pat Tillman of his day.

9. Berthe Morisot

Morisot was a great painter and important to the Impressionist movement, but her most famous contributions to the movement were as a subject of artwork by other Impressionists, rather than as the artist herself. If you Google Berthe Morisot, chances are the first thing you're going to see is a very beautiful and famous Impressionist painting of her. But it's not a self-portrait, it's Berthe Morisot au Bouquet de Violettes (1872) and it's by Manet. Or maybe it's another painting... but still by Manet. Manet drew her a lot (she was married to Manet's brother, Eugène). Still, she has some memorable works like Eugène Manet on the Isle of Wight (1875) , The Dining Room (1875), and Summer's Day (1879).

8. Pierre-Auguste Renoir

Pictured: Meat hooks.

Yeah, I'm ranking Renoir this low and you're going to have to deal with it. I'm not sure why anyone would like Renoir. Renoir can't draw hands. He draws hands like Rob Liefeld draws feet. To be a great artist I think you have to learn how to draw five damn fingers and not have them look like blobby meat hooks. How can you not paint hands right if you stare at your hands all damn day long when painting? And I'm not the only one who thinks Renoir kinda sucks. Every single woman he draws looks exactly the same (like Dana Hill from European Vacation). No matter who the model is. And all the paintings are so vapid and light and fluffy. Sorry Renoir, but you're just barely better than the Impressionists that nobody has ever heard of. Are Dance at Le Moulin de la Galette (1876) and Luncheon of the Boating Party (1880-1) great masterpieces of Impressionism? Yep! But they don't make up for a career of other nude bather paintings that are just awful. In fairness, a lot of his awful works are from later in his life and not his Impressionist period.

7. Paul Cézanne

Okay, I really like Cézanne. Of all the painters on this list, he's my favorite. So why am I ranking him down here at #7? Because I'm ranking Impressionists here, and Cézanne really hit his groove as a Post-Impressionist. Cézanne exhibited twice with the Impressionists (at the first Impressionist exhibition in 1874 and the third Impressionist exhibition in 1877), and was a good friend of Pissarro. But he didn't hit his stride until the 1880s, and by that time he had broken away from the Impressionist movement. His greatest works simplified forms and made them even a little... well... boxy. Like squares, or "cubes" to be more exact. Cézanne's style is arguably half-way between the Impressionists and the later Cubists. There would probably be no Picasso or Cubism without Cézanne. Just compare his Jas de Bouffan (1876) to his his Jas de Bouffan (1885-7) and you'll see what a decade of time did to the way he treated the same subject.

6. Mary Cassatt

Mary was the least French of the French Impressionists because she was American-born. Don't hold that against her. Like the other Impressionists, Cassatt was trying to paint something different than what the "Salon" (Paris's official art society) wanted art to be, and was rejected. She teamed up with the Impressionists, especially Degas, and helped to define the movement. Unfortunately, her repertoire of subjects was somewhat limited. While there is nothing wrong with being a "figure painter" in general, perhaps due to the sexism of the time about what a woman should paint... Cassatt didn't have subjects much beyond mothers, children, and mothers holding children. What is probably her most famous work, Little Girl in a Blue Armchair (1878), was partially re-worked by Degas.

5. Camille Pissarro

Pissarro is almost like Cézanne in the sense that hist Post-Impressionist work became more famous than his Impressionist work. That being said, it's not like Pissarro was some Johnny-Come-Lately after the Impressionists. Born in 1830, Pissarro was actually older than all of the other Impressionists - and a full 18 years older than the youngest of them (Caillebotte). He was a father figure to the movement, but also then a father figure to the Post-Impressionists. In his Jalais Hill, Pontoise (1867) you can see a very Impressionistey (remember, that's a word!) painting a full seven years before the first "Impressionist" exhibition of 1874. But the works he's most famous for you could almost argue verge upon Pointillism.  Pissarro's work by the mid-1880s was much more similar to Seurat than it was to Monet or Sisley. And hey, speaking of Sisley...

Now That's What I Call Impressionism! Volume 2

4. Alfred Sisley

Alfred Sisley was an Impressionist's Impressionist. He'll never have the same name recognition or fame as the final three on the list, but a look at his work shows a catalogue of textbook Impressionism. Unlike your Pissarros or Cézannes you won't see any styles bleeding into Post-Impressionism. His St. Martin Canal (1870) is an Impressionist masterpiece. Almost twenty years later he paints Church in Moret (1889) and it's also an Impressionist masterpiece. In-between you get stuff like Molesey Weir (1874), La Seine au point du jour (1877), and A Path at Les Sablons (1883)... which are all, you guessed it, Impressionist masterpieces.

3. Édouard Manet

Manet will always suffer from the fact that his name is too close to Monet, and therefore will always sort of have that "Oh right, he's the one that's not Monet" stigma. But Manet was a quintessential Impressionist painter. How much so? Enough so that I'm breaking the "their paintings had to be exhibited in one of the Impressionist exhibitions" rule. Manet technically never participated in any of the Impressionist exhibitions. Born in 1832, he was just two years younger than Pissarro and therefore older than most of the Impressionists. By the time the Impressionists were struggling to find recognition and acceptance for their innovative styles, Manet was already an established and famed painter. Probably his two most famous works, The Luncheon on the Grass and Olympia, both dated from 1863 - over a decade before the first Impressionist exhibition. But Manet was a key figure in the transformation from "Realism" to Impressionism. Just look at his different versions of The Execution of Emperor Maximilian (1867-9), which clearly show a range between Realism (the version hanging in the National Gallery in London) and his seemingly "unfinished" version (at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston) which could only be called "Impressionist." Sure, he didn't feature in an Impressionist exhibition, but if his (earlier referenced) 1872 portrait of Berthe Morisot au Bouquet de Violettes is certainly an Impressionist painting. The same would go for famous works like The Cafe Concert (1878),  or A Bar at the Folies-Bergère (1882).

2. Edgar Degas

Wow! Degas painted ballerinas?!?!

Was Degas a little limited in his range of ballerinas and bathers? I suppose. But it's good to have a "thing" that makes you memorable. If you go to a museum anywhere in the world and see an Impressionist ballerina, you can instantly say "Degas!" and probably be right. You can't say the same for other Impressionists. Can I instantly tell the difference between a Monet and a Sisley landscape? No. If you showed me Sisley's Bridge at Villeneuve-la-Garenne (1872) and Monet's Argenteuil (1874) and asked me which painting was by which artist, I would have a 50/50 chance. It would simply be a guess on my part. Armand Guillaumin has some haystack paintings that look just like Monet haystack paintings. From afar can I tell them apart? No. Up close can I tell them apart? No. They look the same. But a Degas painting doesn't look like anyone else's.  Would Degas be pissed that I call him the second best Impressionist? Probably, but only because he despised the term "Impressionist" and rejected it.  You'll see that even after the Impressionist period he continued working and had bolder, more contrasting, flatter colors like the rest of the Post-Impressionists. He continued to paint the same subjects - dancers, bathers, courtesans.  


1. Claude Monet

 Light and spontaneous brushwork
creating splashes of color? Fuck yeah!

Money was the most prolific of the Impressionists, and the one who embodies the movement the most. Monet's Impression, Sunrise (1872) is the piece of art which the entire movement is named after. An art critic in Le Charivari magazine condescendingly used the title of that painting in his review called, "L'Exposition des Impressionnistes," with the term probably meaning to be an insult. But the Impressionists took the term and ran with it (except for Degas). Monet's subjects were wide ranging. You likely already know that he's famous for water lilies, ponds, bridges, poplars, haystacks, views of Rouen Cathedral, Charing Cross, the Houses of Parliament, and so on. He painted all kinds of things. Yet impressionism isn't just defined by the loose brushstroke, it's defined by its subjects: everyday scenes of normal life. Monet helped to set the art world aflame by simply drawing scenes like young people picnicking on weekends rather than famous people or historic/mythological scenes. If Seinfeld was a "show about nothing," Monet helped to create "art about nothing." And with photography emerging in this era it became less important for painting to try to capture a perfect depiction of reality. Monet is not my favorite artist by far - but he's definitely the most Impressionistey of the Impressionists.

Ed Ranks the Cast of The Mummy (1999)

The Mummy is a great movie. I watch it whenever it's on TV, despite the fact that I already own the DVD.  Let's talk about the people who make the movie so good, by ascending order of by how much each actor makes the film better. 

12/13/14. Stephen Dunham/Corey Johnson/and Tuc Watkins - The three American treasure hunters. Which one played what character? Nobody cares, so I'm not even going to bother.

11. Bernard Fox as Captain Winston Havlock - The pilot character in the film seems to have just been created to fit some plot hole of how the important characters are going to get from one place to another really quickly. It just feels like he was just added in a late draft of the script.

10. Jonathan Hyde as Dr. Allen Chamberlain - A character who within three seconds of being introduced you can already tell is going to be murdered by the Mummy, who hasn't even been resurrected yet.

9. Erick Avari as Dr. Terrence Bey - The museum curator who you can't quite tell whether he's a protagonist or antagonist. Couldn't they come up with another name? We already have a far more important character named "Bay" in this film, and yet we also get a "Bey."

8. Omid Djalili as Gad Hassan - I know this was supposed to be a "comic relief" character in a movie that benefitted from not taking itself too seriously. But I can't be the only one who thinks that this character is sorta racist, right?

7. Kevin J. O'Connor as Beni Gabor - Speaking of maybe-kinda-racist, there is something a bit off about a guy named "O'Connor" playing a swarthy Hungarian swindler.

6. Brendan Fraser as  Richard "Rick" O'Connell - The main character of this film is just sort of a space filler. You could replace him with any other actor and the film would have probably been about the same. No offense to Brendan Fraser. I actually like him. Where did he go?

5. Patricia Velásquez as Anck-Su-Namun - I can neither confirm nor deny how much I might or might not have masturbated as a teenager in 1999 thinking about Patricia Velásquez in her skimpy chain outfit. 

4. Arnold Vosloo as The Mummy (Imhotep) - No offense to Boris Karloff, but Arnold Vosloo IS the Mummy. The whole make-or-break of this movie was on how cool the Mummy would be, and Arnold Vosloo kicked ass.

3. Oded Fehr as Ardeth Bay - Was this character just the exact same character as Kazim, the leader of the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword, in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Yes. But like with Arnold Vosloo, this was a career-making movie for Fehr and the movie was much better because of this character.

Rachel Weisz as "Porno Librarian."

2. Rachel Weisz as Evie Carnahan - Talk about launching careers, holy crap. Nobody had any idea who Rachel Weisz was before this film and now she's an Academy Award-winning actress that's married to James Bond. She, and her character, were perfect for this film.

1. John Hannah as Jonathan Carnahan - Why is John Hannah not in more things? John Hannah should be in every movie. Why did The Mummy have terrible spin-offs like Scorpion King when it should have just had Jonathan spinoffs about Jonathan doing crazy things like running around scared and stealing ancient treasures. This is a Johnathan world and everyone else is just living in it.

Ed Ranks Fruit

The fruit hat that broke Carmen Miranda's neck.

In botany, the term "fruit" refers to the reproductive (seed-bearing) structure in flowering plants (angiosperms). Cucumbers, pumpkins, squash, eggplants, beans, peanuts, peas, sweet peppers, and tomatoes are all reproductive parts of plants, and are therefore biologically "fruits." But you don't think of them as fruits, do you? You think of them as "vegetables." Well, you're technically wrong, as vegetables are supposed to be the "vegetative" parts of plants. You know how "vegetative cells" are also known as "somatic cells" and are the non-reproductive cells? No?

Regardless, for the sake of this ranking we're not going to worry about the botanical definition of fruit. We're going to talk about the culinary definition of fruit, wherein fruit are defined as sweet-tasting plant parts. Even with that culinary definition, we're going to limit our conversation to commonly available/known fruit in Western culture.  Is the Borneo-native Artocarpus odoratissimus (also known as  madang, terap, marang, johey oak, green pedalai, tarap, and timadang) a culinary fruit? Sure. But I'm not going to talk about it because I'd prefer to rank fruit that you've probably heard about.


40. Quince - I had a little quince shrub in my front yard growing up and do you know how many quince I ate? None.
39. Persimmon - I'm  told these can be delicious and have a honey flavor. But they look like little dumb tomatoes and if you pick them at the wrong time they apparently taste like sucking on a wet teabag... so no thanks.
38. Gooseberry - What does this taste like? I'm not sure anybody knows. This is the type of berry people stopped eating around the time of Jack the Ripper. It has such a stupid name.
37. Kumquat - Is this like a bonsai orange or something? Or someone mated an orange with an olive?  It's like some abomination created by a mad scientist.
36. Durian - Durian is not as bad or as stinky as some people hype it up to be. That being said, it's not good either. The texture is worse than the taste, but it can be okay if pureed up for a smoothie.
35. Jackfruit - Some people say jackfruit/breadfruit tastes like pulled pork. Those people are idiots, but it's not the best taste. Sometimes it seems like the flavor tastes a bit artificial. Like a fake banana flavored candy.
34. Pear - Ah yes... the pear! For people who like apples but feel like they want their apple to be disgustingly grainy like it was cross-bred with sand.
33.  Starfruit - Every time I have one of these... it tastes like nothing. Like I didn't eat anything at all. It's like water but with a crunch.
32. Pomegranate - The flavor is great but who wants to deal with all those damn seeds? How in the hell did Hades trick Persephone by enticing her with pomegranates? Who is enticed by eating a fruit with 1000 little tooth-chipping rocks in it?  The Pomegranate is pretty much useless unless it's juiced, which the Pom brand figured out. 
31.  Passion Fruit - It tastes okay, but when you cut it open it looks disgusting/rotten inside, even when it's fresh. It looks like a bunch of Jurassic mosquitoes trapped in amber. Which puts me off a little. I'm trying to eat here, not clone Velociraptors.
30.  Kiwifruit - I think I'm slightly allergic to this because my tongue feels a little tingly after I have it. So it's not worth it, especially because the gross-ass, inedible fuzz on it. If you think it's edible then you're probably the type of person who can eat peach fuzz too. Which means you're disgusting.
29. Dragonfruit - Technically called the "pitaya," it's marginally better than the kiwifruit because it doesn't have that awful fuzzy skin and usually tastes slightly sweeter.
27/28. Lemon/Lime -  I'll just put these two together and rank them next to one another. Whatever. You absolutely cannot eat these things on their own unless you seriously have some crazy taste buds. Way too sour and tart. That being said, they do serve some purposes when they're juiced or mixed with other stuff.
26. Cantaloupe - Not as good as honeydew at all. Most of the time I have one, it has no flavor. Every once and a while one will taste amazing, but that's few and far between. 
25.  Blackberry - It's like somebody took a delicious raspberry and said "how about we make it have even more little annoying seeds that get stuck in your teeth, and also make every other one so sour that you spit it out."
24. Date (Palm) - Very old school fruit from the wayback days. Is this edible any way other than dried out? I don't really think so.
23.  Cranberry - You can't really eat these on their own like you can with blueberries because they are so tart. You gotta mix 'em up with sugar and make that Thanksgiving recipe. Which I actually like. Does any company other than Ocean Spray sell any cranberry products? How does a company get a monopoly over an entire species of fruit?
22. Plum - Plums are fairly unreliable in terms of sweetness or juiciness. Just when you think you get a good one it's tough and has no flavor. Or it's grainy. 
21. Coconut - By itself it doesn't do much for me. I mean it's fine. Turn it into Malibu rum and then we're talking.
20. Longan / Lychee / Rambutan - I know these are technically different, but let's go ahead and put them all together. They're all pretty good, but you got to watch out for the pit.
19. Guava - Almost the same thing as a papaya, but not quite. 
19. Papaya - Pretty good, but a papaya wishes it was a mango.
18. Grapefruit - Is it kind of sour? Sure. But I still like them as they are (some people pour sugar on them to make them sweeter... eww). Also, they're excellent in juice form.
17. Peach / Nectarine / Apricot - Of all of these, the nectarines are really the best because they don't have that disgusting fuzz. Peach flesh is delicious but I can't tolerate that teenage pubic hair that comes on the outside. Someone needs to remove the skin for me to eat it. That gross fuzz touching my throat causes an instant gag reflex.
16. Guanabana (Soursop) - I honestly don't know what these things taste like naturally since I've only had them as a Jumex drink. But the Jumex drink with its nine billion calories is really good.
15. Blueberry - Yeah, these are sort of good, right? Sure they are.
14. Apple - Apples are fine, but a little overrated honestly. Plus there is the whole "Eve damning all mankind" thing.
13. Blackcurrant - I don't know why blackcurrant (cassis) hasn't really made the mainstream jump to the United States to have the popularity it does in Europe. Blackcurrant jams, jellies and syrups are delicious.  Sometimes people are just stupid, I guess.
12.  Açaí - Best had in juice or smoothie form. Or covered in Brookside dark chocolate.
11.  Fig - Figs are severely underrated. I assume most folks are like, "Oh, those things from the Newtons?" But they are incredible if you get a fresh, juicy one off a tree after it turns that right shade of brown.
10. Honeydew - When a honeydew is good and flavorful, it's so satisfying. But they also suffer from the same inconsistency issue as its lesser friend the cantaloupe.
9. Banana - So good they must have been intelligently designed. Or not.
8. Cherry - Delicious! Too bad about those pits though. I wonder how many people have chipped a tooth on damn cherry pits. 
7. Strawberry - If strawberries were consistently good, they would be at the top. When you get a really good one... it's amazing!  Alas, it's often impossible to tell. You have one that tastes amazingly sweet and then the next one is tasteless and woody. Damn. Strawberries make the best jams.
6.  Grape - Especially when they're seedless, because I'm lazy. And how about that wine, huh? Grapes also make the best jellies, as opposed to jams.
5.  Pineapple - Want to know how good pineapple is? Every time I eat it I get a slight, numbing, tickle sensation on my tongue. There is another word for that. It's called an "allergy." I'm allergic to pineapple and I still eat it.
4. Watermelon - If it's summer, it's time to eat watermelon. Did you hear the stereotype about what type of people like watermelon? It's ALL PEOPLE. If you don't like watermelon then you're not a human.
3. Orange - Here I'm referring to all the different types of oranges, including mandarins, tangerines, clementines, etc. Of them all, the mandarins are the best. You can just peel their skin off with your hand and eat sweet, citrusey deliciousness.
2. Raspberry - Delicious, and would almost be perfect if it wasn't for those little seeds that get stuck in teeth sometimes.
1. Mango - The best fruit there is when you get it really good. I had mangoes in Thailand and it was like manna from heaven.

This is a picture of a mango. Fun, right?

Ed Ranks 25 X-Men Superpowers

Hey look, X-Men!

Hugh Jackman is finally hanging up his Wolverine claws after 17 years. Let's use this as an occasion to figure out who the coolest X-Men character is, based on their powers alone.

Some rules here:

• By "X-Men" I'm referring generally to  mutants who appear in the comics with such branding. They could be the "good guys" who are part of Xavier's team... or not.
• Am I listing every single X-Man mutant that has appeared since 1963?  Obviously not. Nobody cares that there was a 1995 clone of Magneto called Joseph... or that there was a mutant prostitute called Stacy X because comic writers are sophisticated and forward-thinking with depictions of females (just ask Frank Miller).
• Another group of people I'm not going to include? Mutants with vaguely-defined powers, especially when they seem to be completely overpowered and just repeating the powers of other heroes. Take Selene. Her power appears to be some unclear life force-draining, telekinetic, telepathic "magic." Why Magic? One of the major points of X-Men is that they tried to use science to explore themes of post-human evolution. Can't they think of a power better than "magic?"  Then there's Minster Sinister who is a telekenetic, telepathic (Jean Grey), shape-shifting (Mystique), regenerating (Wolverine) mutant. I hate it when writers just borrow a bunch of superpowers from other Mutants (especially telekinesis and telepathy) and give them to others. It's lazy and not worth ranking. Sad! Scarlet Witch is probably the most famous character with ill-defined powers. She's almost worth ranking but I'm still not going to. Her power seems to be "hexing people," which is just lazy, ill-defined magic again.  Don't get me started on freakin' Legion... someone with multiple personalities who has different superpowers based on which personality is in control. Ugh.

25. Blob

Power: Super obesity.

Analysis: Is this technically how they describe his power in the comics? Not exactly. But that's all this character essentially has. Ultra-fatness that protects his body. As a mutant ability. Okay. 

24. Toad

Powers: Leaping around, weird tongue stuff.

Analysis: Lame, but better than just being fat.  Hypothetically you could also list "superior cunnilingus" as an alternative power which he probably has. I'm sure there must be an XXX-Men porno out there somewhere that explores this further.

He's also naked.

23. Beast

Powers: Superhuman strength, speed, stamina, reflexes, etc.

Analysis: Superhuman strength? Sort of a lazy superpower. A side effect of these powers is becoming a blue yeti? Even worse! The only way this character could get more pathetic is if you cast him as Frasier.

22. Banshee

Powers: Superhuman throat.

Analysis:  Screaming really loud as a power? I'm pretty sure that Marvel stole that from DC's Black Canary. Having a superhuman throat isn't even really a super power. If that's a superpower then circa 1991 Mariah Carey is a superhuman. As is circa 2005 Ashley Blue. You have to Google that last one if you're not a depraved pervert.

21. Jubilee

Powers: Creates sparkles.

Analysis:  I like Jubilee. She had the second best yellow jacket that came out of the 80's (April O'Neil obviously had the best). That doesn't mean her power isn't pathetic. I guess there could be one or two circumstances where you'd need to create some distracting sparkles to win a fight. Although, Jubilee could easily be replaced by any standard police flash-bang grenade.

20. Quicksilver

Powers: Runs fast.

Analysis: Congratulations, you can run fast just like the Flash has been able to do since 1940. Really original.

This meme was required. Sorry.

19. Juggernaut

Powers: Superhuman strength, force fields, impeccable style in headgear.

Analysis: As discussed with Beast, "superhuman strength" is a super lazy and boring power. But at least Juggernaut doesn't turn into a blue wolf-man with his powers. Juggernaut is also better because his force fields and that amazing dome head.

18. Kitty Pride

Powers: Phasing through solid matter

Analysis: Is phasing sort of the same thing as teleporting? Eh, I guess it sort of is. In that sense I could rank her as just a sub-category of the teleporters (see later below). Still, I suppose it's different enough to get a mention, even if somewhat down the ranks. 

17. Gambit

Powers: Charges inanimate objects with kinetic energy.

Analysis: Okay, this one is kind of mediocre but also kind of cool. It's sort of like a "Midas touch" but turning things into BOOM instead of gold. And what do we mean by things? Playing cards, generally. It doesn't have to be playing cards, and yet he still chooses for it to be playing cards. I guess it's somewhat practical. I guess he could throw around Vitamix Blenders and they could blow up too, but those are a lot heavier and less aerodynamic than playing cards. Do you think the size of the object he throws matters? Like if he flips a bus does that blow up a lot bigger than a playing card? I'd assume. That should be a Tsar bomba-sized explosion.

16.Cyclops

Powers: Laser eyes that go "pew pew."

Analysis: Laser eyes are somewhat cool. It's not amazing or anything, but it's cool. It would be a cooler power if Cyclops could regularly control it rather than continually accidentally burn down everything around him. Honestly, if all the X-Men had powers like Cyclops, then I'd be on the government's side with that whole "let's round them up and get rid of them since they're a nuisance" philosophy.

15. Angel

Powers: Flying

Analysis: Let's not mock Angel just because flying is the only thing he does while other people can do a ton of super cool things... but also fly. Flying is amazing. Flying is awesome. I would love to be able to fly. Not in an airplane. I meant to just go around and fly like a bird. It would be crazy fun. Don't deny it.

Basically a Kamehameha-shooting Doctor Who.

14. Bishop

Powers: Energy absorption and release, time travel.

Analysis: Okay, Bishop isn't the only character to be able to absorb and then shoot out energy. A lot of characters have this power. That's because comic artists really like to draw characters shooting out blasts of pew pew energy, and this is usually the way that they explain how that works with mutants (other than eyes going pew pew just because). Bishop also isn't even the first character to have this power. That probably goes to Cyclops's brother, Havok. But I'm going to give this power and the ranking to Bishop because Bishop is 1990's cool as hell and Havok is lame. Bishop can also time travel. Can Havok time travel? No, he cannot. Pew pew + time travel = winning!

Lazy Bishop repeats not worth ranking: Havoc, Sebastian Shaw.

13. Darwin

Powers: Reactive evolution (ability to instantly adapt different powers to suit situation).

Analysis: I think Darwin is a super lame character and he's pretty new (debuting in 2006) so I didn't really grow up with him.  But despite this lameness, you gotta admit if you're ranking by powers this is a pretty nifty power. It ALMOST fits into the lazy ill-defined power category because it is sort of a lazy catch-all power. Does Darwin need to swim somewhere? Boom! Suddenly he has gills. Is Darwin trapped in a black dungeon? Boom! Darwin can now see in the dark. But at least it's an interesting enough twist on the theme. Don't think about the power too hard though or you'll realize it sort of doesn't make any sense and that Darwin should really be the most powerful character ever. In the X-Men: First Class movie shouldn't he be able to just adapt to resist Sebastian Shaw's energy blast?  If he's aging shouldn't he just adapt to have his cells never die so he can live forever? If he has his head cut off shouldn't he just adapt to grow a new one?

12. Iceman

Powers: Creates freezing temperatures/ice, can transform body to near-impenetrable ice.

Analysis: Okay, I'm going to rank Iceman here because there are a whole bunch of different characters who have this power where their body becomes super strong/impenetrable due to one factor or another. For Iceman it's ice. For Colossus it's metal. For Emma Frost it's crystallization. It's all pretty much the same, but Iceman came first in the debut of X-Men while the others were added later in the 70's and 80's.  In addition to this main defensive power all of these types of characters also have secondary powers. Iceman's is the coolest because he can shoot out ice. This is undeniably sweet.  Colossus can't shoot Ice, and Emma Frost's additional power is just that lazy telepathy bullshit they give to every other character who they can't think of anything original for.

Lazy Iceman repeats not worth ranking: As mentioned, Colossus and Emma Frost. 

11. Nightcrawler

Powers: Teleportation, night vision, wall crawling, limited invisibility.

Analysis: Flying is great, but teleportation saves even more time. Depending on how exactly it works.  I assume via some sort of wormhole or something? If so, that's fine with me. If it's something where he creates a copy of himself, transforms it into an electronic copy, sends that copy to another place at the speed of light, and then reconstitutes the copy on the other end... then I have a problem. Because technically wouldn't that be like copying yourself, killing your original self, and creating a clone of you elsewhere? It seems to me like that's what Star Trek teleportation is, and I morally object to that. It's obviously copying yourself because how else could we have wound up with two Rikers? But I'll give Nightcrawler the benefit of the doubt that this is something to do with his mutant powers warping space-time rather than some murder/clone thing. Nightcrawler also has some extra powers added on like the ability to see in the dark, the ability to crawl up and down walls like Spider-Man, and some limited powers of invisibility in the shadows and stuff. Put all together - Nightcrawler has a solid arsenal of useful powers in his hands.

Lazy Nightcrawler repeat not worth ranking:  Blink.

Repeat picture.

10.  Storm

Powers: Weather manipulation, flying.

Analysis: How cool is it to control the weather? Pretty cool, obviously. Or else why would Sean Connery have tried to do it in Avengers movie (no, the other Avengers movie). This is another one of those powers where, if the writers actually used it, most X-Men stories would just end very quickly because Storm could just destroy some opponent's shit with a tornado or something. But I guess Storm just frequently forgets to do this. Silly storm. To make up for that fact, they also giver her the ability to fly. Because why not?

9. Deadpool

Powers: Healing factor, sarcasm, near immortality, breaking the 4th wall.

Analysis:  By the definition I'm using, Deadpool is absolutely an "X-Men" character and the contractual cinematic rights over Marvel Comics characters agree with me. Deadpool has some pretty great powers - but they're not exactly exciting or new or original. They're just copycats of Wolverine' (like many others). I'll mention those others below as subsets of Wolverine, but Deadpool is allowed to stand out on his own. Because reasons, that's why.

8. Jean Grey (normally)

Powers: Telekinesis, telepathy.

Analysis: Telekinesis is the ability to do things to inanimate objects with your mind - like bend spoons or throw entire buildings at people. Nice. Telepathy is the ability to read and potentially influence other people's minds. Even nicer. Jean Grey would be an amazing super hero if Dr. X didn't already have these exact same powers but be better at using them. Usually Dr. X is much more powerful than Jean. But then again, every once and a while "X-Men" turns into the Doom video game and Jean Grey types in both "IDKFA" to get fully equipped and "IDDQD" for Degreelessness mode. Then it gets real.

Lazy Jean Grey repeats not worth ranking: Actually, Jean herself is a bit of an Xavier repeat, and I'll get to that below.

7.  Mystique 

Powers: Shape-shifting, healing, slowed aging.

Analysis: The shape-shifting is a cool gimmick. It definitely comes in handy. Pretend that you're someone else and look just like them. Awesome. But if that was the only thing Mystique had going for her blue self then she'd be ranked a lot lower. Mystique also has some Wolverine-eque abilities to heal and live a long lifespan without aging. When you combined those things together you have a mutant with some very desirable powers. 

He looks... upset.

6. Magneto

Powers: Generates and controls magnetic fields (able to manipulate metal, fly, create force fields, electrical bolts, and electromagnetic radiation).

Analysis:  Controlling metal things is cool, because a lot of things are made of metal. But if your super power was only that you could bend paper clips you'd be lame. They go further with Magneto to point out just how awesome it is to control magnetism. Although the scene in X2 shows him ripping the iron out of a guard's blood because it was "spiked" with more iron - couldn't he just rip the iron out of anyone's blood at any time and kill them without spiking the blood? I mean really. If you pulled the iron from someone's body then you'd be tearing apart red blood cells left and right and killing people no problem. We've also seen that Magneto's ability to control magnetic fields also allows him to fly. Which, as stated before, is completely fucking awesome. Flying is the best.

5.  Rogue

Powers: Absorption of other Mutants' powers through skin-to-skin contact.

Analysis: When you think about it, the ability to just touch another mutant and get their powers is incredibly awesome. That means every single X-Men character I just mentioned... Rogue has the ability to have their powers too! Including the four left in this list... So shouldn't that make her the most powerful character and be #1 rated overall? Eh, not really... because she's got to touch people to steal their powers. And really, if these four X-Men below don't want to be touched by Rogue, they won't get touched by Rogue because they're damn badass. Or they could just wear whole-body condoms like that scene in The Naked Gun.

4. Professor X

Powers: Telepathy, astral projection, mind control, illusion casting, memory manipulation, psychic attacks, sensing other mutants.

Analysis:  Charles Xavier is sort of crazy over-powered. If you think about most X-Men stories, they could essentially all be solved in like three minutes if Professor X just used the various powers he has. So the writers have to hold back Xavier's at various times by using plot devices like giving villains natural and/or artificial resistance to his mental powers... or have situations where Xavier refuses to use his powers. I would absolutely trade my ability to walk for the ability to just control other people's minds. Who wouldn't?

Lazy Professor X repeats not worth ranking: Pick any mid-level or obscure X-Men character at random and you have a 50/50 chance they gave them telepathy or telekinesis as a power. Even major/interesting characters like Jean Grey are sort of repeats (but as you saw, she's still worth ranking). Same thing for Jean Grey and Cyclops's kid, Cable. Emma Frost is sort of a repeat (just like she's also a repeat of Iceman in another way). Mastermind, who creates telepathic illusions, is a repeat. Psylocke is a repeat, although I kind of wanted to rank her separately because I've been a fan of Olivia Munn since G4's (RIP) Attack of the Show!, but that's beside the point. Anyway, the Xavier clone list could go on forever.

3. Wolverine

Awesomeness

Powers: Healing factor, retractable claws, indestructible Adamantium bonded to his skeleton, slowed aging.

Analysis: "Healing factor" is sort of a fancy way of saying "completely invincible." Wolverine can be stabbed or shot or sliced in half or blown up and he'll just heal. James "Logan" Howlett (aka Wolverine, aka Weapon X) was born in the 19th century and is like 130 years old. He's invincible and lives forever. Sure it's cool to fly around or controls people's minds - but those powers are meaningless if you get shot in the head and die. Do you know what happens when Wolverine gets shot in the head? It hurts him for a little bit and then his head heals and he goes back to tearing the hell out of various people with invincible metal claws and trying to bang Jean Grey. Neat-o.

Lazy Wolverine repeats not worth ranking:  Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, a thousand others. Whenever X-Men writers can't think of any new ideas they just create another plotline which is "Oh, hey look at this OTHER Weapon X program mutant and/or someone who can heal or has claws!"

2. Apocalypse

Powers: Immortality, total control over all the cells in his body, ability to interface body with technology, regeneration.

Analysis:  The "total control over all the cells in his body" part makes him invincible. Plus, he's already ancient and immortal. You know all that full body regeneration stuff that Wolverine can do that makes him so awesome? Yeah, Apocalypse already had that ages ago.  By the way, since I'm mentioning Apocalypse, I might as well just post this again for no particular reason because Oscar Isaac is the best:


1. Jean Grey (Phoenix)

Powers: Able to generate infinite energy, time travel, and manipulate matter at subatomic level.

Analysis: When in Phoenix form, Jean Grey is essentially God. Or more powerful than God. Jean Grey as Phoenix hypothetically has the power to end famine, stop children from getting cancer, and ensure that the people who pray to her more sincerely in advance of a football game are the ones who win (that's pretty much God's M.O., right?). If we're ranking people by how awesome their powers are - this one has to be #1, bar none. Phoenix makes Superman look like he's under-powered.

Jean is great! Except for twice a decade or so when she goes crazy and murders everyone she loves.