10. Captain Hook (Peter Pan)
Captain Hook is a villain because he's bent on revenge. Blood thirsty revenge! For what reason? Because Peter Pan sliced his hand off and fed it to a crocodile. But surely there must be some reason that Peter did this to Captain Hook, right? Oh there is! Because Mr. Smee explains it in the film. It was a "Childish Prank." WHAT. THE. FUCK?! Captain Hook isn't evil at all. Captain Hook is the good guy. If a little shit kid sliced my hand off and fed it to a crocodile, I would kill him and I'm fairly sure that the justice system would find my actions totally justifiable. By the way, pirates in general lived by a moral code that could be considered as more progressive than their contemporaries. Pirate ships tended to be run by democracy, pirates regularly attacked slave ships and freed slaves, and pirates recruited and included men of all races, colors and creeds while the rest of Western society still had a strict racial caste system. Pirate society was a free society that was based on independence, people's rights, equal distribution of justice, and waging war against the oppressors. That and robbing ships for booty. ARRRRRGHHHH!!! Think I'm crazy here? They were originally going to kill Hook in the movie, but Walt Disney himself intervened and said not to, because he was too likable.
Captain Hook is a villain because he's bent on revenge. Blood thirsty revenge! For what reason? Because Peter Pan sliced his hand off and fed it to a crocodile. But surely there must be some reason that Peter did this to Captain Hook, right? Oh there is! Because Mr. Smee explains it in the film. It was a "Childish Prank." WHAT. THE. FUCK?! Captain Hook isn't evil at all. Captain Hook is the good guy. If a little shit kid sliced my hand off and fed it to a crocodile, I would kill him and I'm fairly sure that the justice system would find my actions totally justifiable. By the way, pirates in general lived by a moral code that could be considered as more progressive than their contemporaries. Pirate ships tended to be run by democracy, pirates regularly attacked slave ships and freed slaves, and pirates recruited and included men of all races, colors and creeds while the rest of Western society still had a strict racial caste system. Pirate society was a free society that was based on independence, people's rights, equal distribution of justice, and waging war against the oppressors. That and robbing ships for booty. ARRRRRGHHHH!!! Think I'm crazy here? They were originally going to kill Hook in the movie, but Walt Disney himself intervened and said not to, because he was too likable.
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| A talented and capable Vizier who would have made Agrabah great again. |
9. Jafar (Aladdin)
I mean Jafar is a great character, but he's barely evil at all, and I'm ranking by evilness! Did you see what kind of a worthless shit the Sultan of Agrabah was? Who gives their daughter a tiger as a pet? Those are wild animals and vicious killing machines! He should feel good that Jasmine lived long enough to have suitors who wanted to marry her. If that's the way he's going to take care of his daughter - how poorly do you think he's going to run Agrabah? Fortunately, that's not a hypothetical question because you can watch the movie and see the answer to that. Clearly this sultanate is a land of income inequality, with the poor like Aladdin living in cesspools of poverty. And all the Sultan did was sit around and play with toys all day rather than rule his damn Sultanate. Jafar is the Sultan's Grand Vizier, and if I was the Grand Vizier I'd be pretty pissed off and sure that I could run the place better too. Jafar would clearly be a better Sultan of Agrabah than the current one, and so marrying his daughter just seems like the logical thing to do in order to be a more legitimate heir. Was he also after a magic lamp to try to use its awesome powers for his own good? Of course he was, and you would be too if there was a magic lamp. Don't act like you wouldn't use that thing to get incredible power and a hot spouse like Jasmine.
8. Ursula (The Little Mermaid)
Speaking of characters who weren't even really that evil, we have Ursula. Ariel willingly traded her voice for legs so that she could spread them for some handsome prince. That's on her. Don't act like Ursula took it away forcefully. And wasn't it King Triton who was all like, "Not another word!" to Ariel? Sounds like Ursula was just helping him get his wish. Okay, yes, admittedly after making the deal with Ariel to give her three days to get a kiss from her true love, Ursula engaged in all sorts of shenanigans to try to sabotage Ariel. Still, the rule of the kingdom of Atlantica was on the line. If you could trick some stupid redhead into losing her voice so that you could be ruler of all things, wouldn't you? It's not like she's killing her or anything.
7. Lady Tremaine, AKA Wicked Stepmother (Cinderella)
Lady Tremaine really didn't do anything super evil. She didn't go around setting fires to villages or slowly drowning kittens in rivers. She never even physically abused Cinderella - it was all mental abuse. But someone had to put that pretty bitch in line. Just because Cinderella was pretty on the outside doesn't mean she should always have her way. Essentially all she wants is to make sure her daughters are successful and gain a higher status in life. I mean I'm not saying it's right to be a cold-hearted bitch to your daughter-in-law, but I hardly think ordering a child to do her damn chores means that your nickname should forever be "Wicked Stepmother." Wicked? I'm not sure she ever did a thing in this movie that could even be considered a misdemeanor.
I mean Jafar is a great character, but he's barely evil at all, and I'm ranking by evilness! Did you see what kind of a worthless shit the Sultan of Agrabah was? Who gives their daughter a tiger as a pet? Those are wild animals and vicious killing machines! He should feel good that Jasmine lived long enough to have suitors who wanted to marry her. If that's the way he's going to take care of his daughter - how poorly do you think he's going to run Agrabah? Fortunately, that's not a hypothetical question because you can watch the movie and see the answer to that. Clearly this sultanate is a land of income inequality, with the poor like Aladdin living in cesspools of poverty. And all the Sultan did was sit around and play with toys all day rather than rule his damn Sultanate. Jafar is the Sultan's Grand Vizier, and if I was the Grand Vizier I'd be pretty pissed off and sure that I could run the place better too. Jafar would clearly be a better Sultan of Agrabah than the current one, and so marrying his daughter just seems like the logical thing to do in order to be a more legitimate heir. Was he also after a magic lamp to try to use its awesome powers for his own good? Of course he was, and you would be too if there was a magic lamp. Don't act like you wouldn't use that thing to get incredible power and a hot spouse like Jasmine.
8. Ursula (The Little Mermaid)
Speaking of characters who weren't even really that evil, we have Ursula. Ariel willingly traded her voice for legs so that she could spread them for some handsome prince. That's on her. Don't act like Ursula took it away forcefully. And wasn't it King Triton who was all like, "Not another word!" to Ariel? Sounds like Ursula was just helping him get his wish. Okay, yes, admittedly after making the deal with Ariel to give her three days to get a kiss from her true love, Ursula engaged in all sorts of shenanigans to try to sabotage Ariel. Still, the rule of the kingdom of Atlantica was on the line. If you could trick some stupid redhead into losing her voice so that you could be ruler of all things, wouldn't you? It's not like she's killing her or anything.
7. Lady Tremaine, AKA Wicked Stepmother (Cinderella)
Lady Tremaine really didn't do anything super evil. She didn't go around setting fires to villages or slowly drowning kittens in rivers. She never even physically abused Cinderella - it was all mental abuse. But someone had to put that pretty bitch in line. Just because Cinderella was pretty on the outside doesn't mean she should always have her way. Essentially all she wants is to make sure her daughters are successful and gain a higher status in life. I mean I'm not saying it's right to be a cold-hearted bitch to your daughter-in-law, but I hardly think ordering a child to do her damn chores means that your nickname should forever be "Wicked Stepmother." Wicked? I'm not sure she ever did a thing in this movie that could even be considered a misdemeanor.
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| I think it's unfair of YOU to try to apply human moral values to a fucking cat |
6. Scar (The Lion King)
Continuing the theme - can we really say Scar is that bad? If you ask me, it look like Mufasa slipped off that cliff on his own. I have a couple of Hyenas that will testify to that in court. Okay, okay. Maybe not. So let's say he killed Mufasa. So he's definitely worse than Ursula in that sense. But we didn't really see the reign of Mufasa in the movie that much. How do we know that Mufasa wasn't a terrible, murderous autocrat? And are we really going to blame the drought on Scar after he took over? I'm sorry, did I miss the scene in the movie where Scar builds a machine to control the weather? Was that before or after "Hakuna Matata?" Do we blame Franklin Roosevelt for causing the Dustbowl? Do we blame the Bengal Famine of 1770 on the British East India Company? Wait, what? That one was the British East India Company's fault? Well never mind. Let's move on.
5. Evil Queen (Snow White)
Okay, now we're getting into territory where I can't really argue about shades of gray. This lady's name is just "Evil Queen." They never even bothered to give her another name. She seduced and married a king to get power, which is not itself bad (girl power!), but after she took over to rule on her own - her every word was law and all trembled in mortal fear of her. That sounds pretty bad. She also engages in black magic. When she learns from her magical mirror that there is a more beautiful girl than her, she orders a huntsman to go murder her in the woods and bring back her heart. After the huntsman fails, she disguises herself as a hag to give the girl and apple and try to poison her with "the Sleeping death." What a bitch! And while I'm specifically talking about the 1937 animated feature here, let me go on a slight tangent about the 2012 live action Snow White and the Huntsman version. If you are Charlize Theron and you ask the magic mirror on the wall who the fairest of them all is - do you know how it's going to answer back? "You are." Every time. There is no chance that mirror is ever going to say that Kristen Fucking Stewart is prettier than Charlize Theron unless its a damn lying mirror.
Continuing the theme - can we really say Scar is that bad? If you ask me, it look like Mufasa slipped off that cliff on his own. I have a couple of Hyenas that will testify to that in court. Okay, okay. Maybe not. So let's say he killed Mufasa. So he's definitely worse than Ursula in that sense. But we didn't really see the reign of Mufasa in the movie that much. How do we know that Mufasa wasn't a terrible, murderous autocrat? And are we really going to blame the drought on Scar after he took over? I'm sorry, did I miss the scene in the movie where Scar builds a machine to control the weather? Was that before or after "Hakuna Matata?" Do we blame Franklin Roosevelt for causing the Dustbowl? Do we blame the Bengal Famine of 1770 on the British East India Company? Wait, what? That one was the British East India Company's fault? Well never mind. Let's move on.
5. Evil Queen (Snow White)
Okay, now we're getting into territory where I can't really argue about shades of gray. This lady's name is just "Evil Queen." They never even bothered to give her another name. She seduced and married a king to get power, which is not itself bad (girl power!), but after she took over to rule on her own - her every word was law and all trembled in mortal fear of her. That sounds pretty bad. She also engages in black magic. When she learns from her magical mirror that there is a more beautiful girl than her, she orders a huntsman to go murder her in the woods and bring back her heart. After the huntsman fails, she disguises herself as a hag to give the girl and apple and try to poison her with "the Sleeping death." What a bitch! And while I'm specifically talking about the 1937 animated feature here, let me go on a slight tangent about the 2012 live action Snow White and the Huntsman version. If you are Charlize Theron and you ask the magic mirror on the wall who the fairest of them all is - do you know how it's going to answer back? "You are." Every time. There is no chance that mirror is ever going to say that Kristen Fucking Stewart is prettier than Charlize Theron unless its a damn lying mirror.
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| Honey, you got real ugly |
4. Malificent (Sleeping Beauty)
Okay, forget about that Angelina Jolie nonsense that tries to make her more relatable, I'm focusing just on the animated movie here. Malificent is a petty little asshole who doesn't get invited to the King and Queen's Christening party for their baby daughter, Aurora. Based on that, Malificent decides to put a curse on the little baby girl so that she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die. Because tetanus shots weren't a thing yet back then. So instead of the King and Queen simply burning all the spinning wheels in the kingdom (they could totally do that, they're the King and Queen... everyone would be just fine wearing bearskins, right?) they just put her in the witness protection program and let that needle thing happen. Although there was some counter magic/spell thing that lessened the "die" of the curse into a "sleep forever unless she can get a kiss from her true love." Of course back in the 1950's "true love" could also refer to non-consensual first base with an asleep 16 year old. Anyway, that kiss happens and the Prince defeats Malificent. Yay, I guess? So yeah, Malificent and the Evil Queen are about the same - bitches who tried to kill an innocent girl. So why am I ranking Malificent as slightly worse? Well, at least the Evil Queen did it out of jealousy of the girl herself. Malificent did it because she didn't get invited to a party, which is some petty Real Housewives bullshit there. Plus OH MY GOD - MALIFICENT CAN TURN INTO A FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON WITH GLOWING GREEN EVIL EYES! SHE'S PURE EVIL! AGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! RUN!!!!!
Okay, forget about that Angelina Jolie nonsense that tries to make her more relatable, I'm focusing just on the animated movie here. Malificent is a petty little asshole who doesn't get invited to the King and Queen's Christening party for their baby daughter, Aurora. Based on that, Malificent decides to put a curse on the little baby girl so that she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die. Because tetanus shots weren't a thing yet back then. So instead of the King and Queen simply burning all the spinning wheels in the kingdom (they could totally do that, they're the King and Queen... everyone would be just fine wearing bearskins, right?) they just put her in the witness protection program and let that needle thing happen. Although there was some counter magic/spell thing that lessened the "die" of the curse into a "sleep forever unless she can get a kiss from her true love." Of course back in the 1950's "true love" could also refer to non-consensual first base with an asleep 16 year old. Anyway, that kiss happens and the Prince defeats Malificent. Yay, I guess? So yeah, Malificent and the Evil Queen are about the same - bitches who tried to kill an innocent girl. So why am I ranking Malificent as slightly worse? Well, at least the Evil Queen did it out of jealousy of the girl herself. Malificent did it because she didn't get invited to a party, which is some petty Real Housewives bullshit there. Plus OH MY GOD - MALIFICENT CAN TURN INTO A FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON WITH GLOWING GREEN EVIL EYES! SHE'S PURE EVIL! AGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! RUN!!!!!
3. Chernabog (Fantasia)
Speaking of pure evil and nightmares... AGHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?! SOME SORT OF WINGED DEMON? IS IT SATAN?! I BET IT'S SATAN! BURN IT WITH FIRE! BURN IT WITH FIRE! NO WAIT, THAT WON'T WORK! THIS THING IS, LIKE, MADE OF FIRE. OH GOD. IS HE MAKING DANCING NAKED FIRE LADIES IN HIS HAND?! WHAT THE HELL?! OH SHIT! I'M SO SCARED. MAKE THIS GO AWAY! WHY IS HE RAISING DEMONIC SPIRITS? MAKE THE DEVIL MONSTER GO AWAY! I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN! And yes, I know that's not the right music in the video. Disney goes hardcore taking down YouTube videos. 2. Cruella De Vil (101 Dalmatians)
Chernabog might be the physical personification of evil, but I mean it's a demon. What choice does it have other than be evil? And it looks like it sort of just does its evil spirit dancing thing and night, but then when the monks ring the morning church bells, Chernabog just sends his evil spirits back into the ground and goes away. On the other hand, Cruella De Vil doesn't get the excuse of being a demon by nature. This is a lady who wants to make a fur coat out of super soft, fluffy Dalmatian puppies. What a horrible woman! Killing you brother to take his throne or trying to kill little girls because you're jealous/insane is one thing - but killing puppies? 101 of them? To make ONE coat?! You're a MONSTER, Cruella De Vil. A MONSTER. That scary demon Chernabog raised spirits from the dead and made them dance, but he didn't do anything close to trying to murder 101 puppies. There's a special place in hell for you, Cruella De Vil. You should have just died in that car wreck at the end of the movie.
1. Elsa (Frozen)
Oh, I'm sorry - are you a bit confused now? Did you think Elsa was good? Well, allow me to enlighten you. Elsa is the most horrible baddie there can be, and for reasons more than humanity being subjected to the Let it Go song by little girls endlessly. First off, let's get one thing straight for all the Elsa fans out there - Elsa isn't the main character of Frozen. Anna is. Why is all the merchandise out there for Elsa? The entire narrative of the story is the classic Campbellian Hero's journey for Anna. Put Anna on the merchandise and sing the damn Anna songs, because Anna is the goddamn hero. Kristin Bell, who voices Anna, even gets first billing. So what does that make Elsa? The hero's sister? No. She's clearly the villain. You think Hans is the villain? Hans is a supporting character, just one of the tests that Anna has to face and overcome on her journey. And he has an illogical face-heel turn. Elsa, on the other hand, is just awful. Accidentally hurting our hero, Anna, as a small child can be forgiven and she didn't do it on purpose. But when they get older - all that terrible stuff she does to Anna is her fault. Find a better coping mechanism for dealing with your powers than abandoning and psychologically wounding your young sister. But that's not the main reason why she's a villain either. What Elsa does is send the entire kingdom of Arendelle into an eternal winter. Yes, ETERNAL WINTER. And okay, it didn't actually last eternally, but it certainly lasted for a while. And the fact that Elsa caused it is just horrible. Think of all the life cycles of plants and animals which were disrupted by a sudden, unexpected climate change event like this? The seasons were all messed up and animals and plants would have no time to adapt to the new conditions. Species will have their mating seasons disrupted, and a generation will be lost - if not the entire species at risk for extinction. Plants won't grow anymore either, as their sensitive pollination and reproduction cycles could be harmed beyond repair. And that's not even mentioning crop plants, and the massive starvation that forever winter would cause to a society that needs grains to grow for food. Cooling climates and glaciation have caused mass extinction events in the past before, such as with the Late Ordovician mass extinction, which was the second worst extinction in history. Cruela De Vil might have wanted to kill 101 Dalmatians, but Elsa might have killed millions of animals, and maybe thousands of people through rampant starvation. Elsa is based on the Hans Christian Andersen tale of The Snow Queen, who is not a good character. And the initial versions of the movie outright made her a villain. Let it Go was initially written while she was still the villainous character, and still contains some lyrical content that, if not clearly evil, at least shows that she objects to concepts of moral absolutism: "No right or wrong/no rules for me!" And even though Disney rewrote the film to make her more sympathetic, I'm not falling for it. I see Elsa for the genocidal extinction machine that she is.
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| One of these things is a harbinger of global destruction, extinction, and climate change. The other is Chinese factories. |
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