10. They Slowly Grew Apart Over Time and Barely Saw Each Other Due to their Busy Schedules
This sounds like a press statement that will soon come out. It sounds like every press statement released by divorcing celebrities who are trying to avoid prolonged custody battles. It is the least interesting possible explanation. I shall speak of this no more.
9. Angelina Revealed to Brad that She Plans on Voting for Trump
You know how Angelina Jolie's father is Jon Voight? Jon Voight has, among other things, said that it's un-American to criticize the President (when the President was George W. Bush) and then said that Obama's religion is "pseudo-Scriptural" and "toxic", and that Obama is arrogant, a false prophet, causing civil unrest, slowly taking away our freedoms, a liar, anti-Semitic, etc (so, uh, forget the it's un-American to criticize the President thing - that only applies if the President completely agrees with your worldview). He's stumped for Rudy Giuliani, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee and, yes, Donald Trump. Angelina and her father were estranged for several years and never agreed about a lot of things, including politics as far as we know. But in 2007 they reconciled. Angelina is one of those famous Hollywood liberals though, right? Not necessarily. Interest in humanitarian work and aid to those in need isn't a liberal/conservative thing. In 2008, she was quoted as saying "I think people assume I’m a Democrat. But I’m registered independent and I’m still undecided. So I’m looking at McCain as well as Obama." Maybe, over the course of the last nine years of being reconciled with her father, he's slowly convinced her to share a conservative world view and vote red this November. And she hasn't adopted any Mexican children, so maybe she hates Mexicans too. Look, I'm not saying this is likely, it's only ranked #9.
8. They Realized their Marriage was Just as Terrible as By the Sea
By the Sea (2015) is an awful film. It stars Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt together and was directed by Jolie. In its debut week, it came in 38th place in the box office. It holds a 33% rating at Rotten Tomatoes and got bad reviews. Films with celebrity power couples never work. Remember Tom and Nicole in Eyes Wide Shut? Remember Ben and J-Lo in Gigli? "But what about Mr. and Mrs. Smith?", you say. That one doesn't count. They weren't together yet when they started filming that. But they sure were during and after. Maybe Brad and Angelina themselves decided to pop in their By the Sea Blu-ray and gave it a watch. They saw that the story was about the slow decline of a marriage. They gave awkward gazes to each other before sighing into their palms.
7. They Finally Realized that Marriage, in General, is Just a Giant Sham
Brad was all like, "Marriage is an antiquated concept that has no place in today's society." Then Angelina was like, "Yeah, marriage wasn't even originally created because of love or religion. It was just a way for men to claim ownership and control over women." "That's right," replied Brad, "No other animals in the animal kingdom need to have a sheet of paper saying that they're married." Angelina nodded again, "True Brad, the way the world works changes. The institution of marriage was different a thousand years ago from how it was five hundred years ago and those are both different from how it is today. Time changes all things and even now the existence of marriage is becoming unnecessary. There are so many divorces. In today's day and age, it's just unrealistic to believe that two people can be together for the rest of their lives. Even if they can, it's not like a sheet of paper or a court saying they're together is the driving factor that keeps them together." Brad replied, "Absolutely honey, the only reason people even get married these days is for tax purposes. The government has pretty much incentivized marriage for financial reasons in order to get people to still do it since it was dying off. Maybe the government should leave its hands out of marriage and just let it die the natural death it needed to." And then Angelina said, "Let's get divorced."
6. Brad is a Shallow Bastard Who Really Misses Angelina's Breasts
Angelina Jolie got a double mastectomy as a preventative measure, given a genetic predisposition to breast cancer. Now, I'm not saying that Brad Pitt is a horrible, shallow, monster of a human being who only married Angelina Jolie for her physical appearance and to motorboat her glorious 36C breasts. But if he is a horrible, shallow, monster of a human being who only married Angelina Jolie for her physical appearance and to motorboat her glorious 36C breasts - then the fact that she got a double mastectomy would have really upset him. And if he is a horrible, shallow, monster of a human being who only married Angelina Jolie for her physical appearance and to motorboat her glorious 36C breasts - then Brad is likely also the type of guy who would be like, "No man, the replacement implants aren't the same. I like 'em natural!" Again, this is all speculation. I have no specific information that Brad Pitt is a horrible, shallow, monster of a human being who only married Angelina Jolie for her physical appearance and to motorboat her glorious 36C breasts.
5. Brad Has an Unquenchable Thirst for Methadone which Angelina Can No Longer Tolerate
Fun fact! Okay, not so fun for Brad Pitt. While filming a scene in Se7en where he was running in the rain, Brad Pitt slipped and his arm smashed through a car window. The accident severed a tendon in his arm and the injury was worked into the film (the cast on his arm was totally real). Brad Pitt would have likely had to be given a lot of painkillers when that happened and throughout his recovery process. Maybe he got hooked on his pain killers and for the last 20+ years, has been a total methadone junkie getting high all the time on opiates. Angelina never really liked his addiction, but tolerated it because of her love for him. Until now. That would be a pretty interesting reason for a divorce, no?
4. Angelina is a Vicious Spousal Abuser Who Frequently Beats Brad in Violent Fits of Rage
Does anyone remember this story? Brad Pitt "accidentally tripped on the stairs while wearing flip flops and smashed his face in." Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, Brad. Whatever you want to tell us. Look, there is no shame in being a victim. Being abused doesn't make you any less of a person. It doesn't show that you're weak or inferior. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that 75% of abuse goes unreported. In the United States, an average of 20 people are physically abused by intimate partners every minute. This equates to more than 10 million abuse victims annually. What excuse will you use the next time you show up to a movie premier with scratches all over your body and a black eye? You accidentally tripped on the stairs AGAIN? You ran into a door? Angelina might have told you that she was going to change and would never do it again. She likely said it again and again. Every time. I'm glad you've finally seen through that lie and are breaking free, Brad. Be strong. Leaving your abuser is the strongest and most empowering thing that you can do.
3. Disagreement Over Which Countries the Next 17 Children that they Adopt Should Come From
Angelina and Brad both want 17 more refugee children. Angelina wants the children to come from Somalia, Burundi, Malawi, the Central African Republic, Niger, the Gambia, Madagascar, Liberia, Tajikistan, Myanmar, Kiribati, Guinea-Bissau, Haiti, Uganda, the Solomon Islands, Ukraine, and Honduras. Meanwhile, Brad thinks that Angelina is wrong and the children should instead come from Liberia, Iraq, Guinea, Ethiopia, Mozambique, El Salvador, Togo, Afghanistan, Benin, South Sudan, Paraguay, Guyana, Azerbaijan, Botswana, Palau, Romania, and Gabon. They got into a big fight over it, with neither side willing to compromise and Angelina walked out the door.
2. Angelina Caught Brad Sexting Jennifer Aniston
It was late at night. Brad was drunk. He started sending dick pics to his ex. We all hope this is the reason, right?
1. Brad Finally Realized that Angelina is Completely Insane
One morning, Brad Pitt woke up and was like, "Wait a minute. Why did I marry a woman who (1) engaged in knifeplay with her boyfriend as a teenager where the two would cut each other while having sex; (2) gave a sensual deep French kiss to her brother at the 2000 Golden Globes and told the media, 'I'm so in love with my brother;' and (3) regularly wore a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck like that was something that normal people just do?" He thought about it for a few minutes, then just took his hat and coat off the rack and walked out the door, never to return.
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