10. Australia
I'm going to have to admit that I was torn when it came to rounding out my top ten list with a final country. Lots of countries have good beer, and they couldn't all make it. Austria (not a spelling error, you'll see where I'm going here) is nice, but let's just go ahead and call a spade a spade - Austria is just Germany lite. There is a cult of beer that exists around Denmark too these days. Not because of Carlsburg, but because of its emerging status with a number of great craft beers - including some of the top-rated beers in the world. Well too bad for Denmark, because I gave this to Australia. And lets get this out of the way now so there is no confusion - I have
never seen an Australian drink Fosters in my life. I'm pretty sure Fosters is just the dregs that come out of their kegs, which they export as some form of uniquely Australian practical joke to the rest of the world. Like
Vegemite. If you're going to Australia, you'll have a wide choice of delicious (or at least decent) commercial beers including VB, Tooheys, Cascade, XXXX, James Squire, Boags, and so on. But just like Denmark and so many other countries, amazing things are happening with microbreweries pumping out great beer. I have been to Australia and can speak first hand to these. If the government of Denmark would like to pay for me to come over and try their beers in order to give them another chance to crack the top 10 to surpass Australia, I'd be amenable. That offer extends to almost any country that's not war-torn.
9. The Netherlands
There is more to beer in the Netherlands than just Heineken, Amstel and Grolsch. Admittedly, not much more - but still more. Pale lagers, such as those three, make up 95% of beer consumption in the Netherlands. We can't judge the whole country for that though because it would be like judging the United States for its top four selling beers - Bud Light, Coors Light, Budweiser, and Miller Lite. So you can't judge a book by its frat boy kegger party cover. The Dutch export 50% of all the beer they produce, the largest export percentage in the world, proving that the rest of the world actually wants to drink their lagers. The Netherlands also has two Trappist breweries, although one of them was only founded a few years ago. A little bit of that Belgian monk Trappist magic, combined with their solid and notable lagers, is enough to escalate them up.
8. Ireland
At first thought, Ireland almost seems entirely a one trick pony with Guinness in the way that the Netherlands is with Heineken. Even if it was, Ireland would still be a heavy hitter because Guinness just might be the best beer there is in the world, bar none. But when you dig a little deeper, you'll see that with Ireland you can also appreciate Harp, Smithwick's, Murphy's, Kilkenny, and a few other select gems. And we can't underestimate how important "pub culture" is to how your country should be ranked when we're talking about beer. Inside of Ireland, pubs are simply a way of life. Outside of Ireland, Irish pubs are unavoidable. Not that you'd want to avoid them because that would be stupid. Go pretty much anywhere in the world and you can find an Irish pub. There are over 7,000 of them around the globe, at varying levels of authenticity. No, the Irish pub hidden inside a Western chain hotel in a Muslim country is not going to be as authentic as one of the pubs located in a city like Boston which got an influx of Irish diaspora populations. But lets not overlook the fact that there simply
ARE Irish pubs hidden inside of Western chain hotels in Muslim countries, which typically ban alcohol consumption. Even though the bars are off-limits to locals, they know that no tourists will ever come if they don't at least throw a few Irish pubs in the hotels. You won't find Australian pubs or Dutch pubs everywhere around the globe. It's always Irish pubs. And if you see a place that's called an Irish pub but doesn't actually have Guinness - walk out and consider burning the place to the ground. I'm fairly sure there is a loophole in the 1961
Vienna Convention on Diplomatic Relations that allows you to do this while claiming immunity.
7. Canada, eh?
Beer is as important to the Canadian national identity as ice hockey, maple syrup, poutine, Rob Ford smoking crack, affordable healthcare, digging your car out of 15 feet of snow (
4.572 meters), beaver hats, Timbits, and all of the famous comedians in the United States. Yes, you've got your typical Molson's and Labatt, but you've also got Steam Whistle, Alexander Keith's, Moosehead, Unibroue, Mill Street, and so many more. There is a lot of variation in the different Provinces of Canada... and like their Yankee neighbors to the south, Canada is exploding with tasty craft brews. Just like with Canadian food, the best of the best is probably in Quebec so you're going to want to try a La Fin du Monde or, like, anything from Dieu du Ciel. Canadian beers also run at a bit higher alcohol content than their brothers from a southern mother in the US-of-A. But the best thing about Canadian beer? It's always served ice cold simply because the entire country is a desolate frozen wasteland (of happy, friendly people).
6. Japan
Japan knows how to make them some good beer because they did what the greatest beer countries do - steal already proven ideas and techniques from other countries. Japan learned from the best. It opened its first beer hall on the artificially-built trade island of Dejima the 1600s to serve drunk-ass Dutch sailors. By the Meiji period in the late 1800s, Japan had begun to more actively open trade to the West and started importing Bass from England. They loved it so much that they hired a number of European experts to teach them more, leaning heavily on the Germans. While Kirin was developed using traditional Japanese techniques, they imported malted grains and hops from Germany and employed German brewers to oversee its production. The same German perfection came along with Sapporo, whose first brewmaster was the German-trained Seibei Nakagawa. In the first World War, Ashai also used German employees in their brewery to perfect their beer, if by "employees" you mean "prisoners" (they were on opposing sides
that time). The Japanese love getting shitfaced and have a lot of other excellent alcohol options, including sake and whisky, but it hasn't come at the detriment of their beer - which is still excellent and extremely popular.
5. Czech Republic
In terms of per capita beer consumption, the Czech Republic ranks #1 in the world. I suppose another way to say that is, "Czechs are alcoholics," but that's a bit of a downer--so let's spin my Czech ancestors in a more positive light. Two-thirds of all beers produced and consumed in the world today are blond lagers. Blond lager is also known as "pilsner," after the town of Pilsen/Plzeň in the Czech Republic ("
Czechia" is stupid and I refuse to call it that). Two-thirds of all beer in the world is just a copycat of the original: Pilsner Urquell. Whether or not they call themselves pilsners, pils, blond lagers, pale lagers, American lagers, helles, dry beer, strong lager, bocks, märzens - most of the beer you know of is just some variation on the Czech classic. Heineken, Amstel, Stella Artois, Jupiler, Grolsch, Beck's, Bitburger, Carlsburg, Jever, Flensburger, Holsten, König, Krombacher, Radeberger, Veltins, Warsteiner, Wernesgrüner, St Pauli Girl, Löwenbräu, Hofbräu München, Spaten, Budweiser, Miller, Coors, Busch, Michelob, Molson, Labatt, Brahma, Harbin, Yanjing, Skol, Tsingtao, Asahi, Sapporo, Kirin, Peroni, Kingfisher, Corona, Pacífico, Zywiec, Tennent's, Tiger, Hite, Cass, Singha, Efes - the list goes on and on. These are all derivations of the original amazing Czech pils, whether they are pale lagers themselves or another lager based on the original Czech cold storage maturation process. Even the most [in]famous beer name in America - Budweiser - is nothing but a copycat. The Czech city of České Budějovice is known as "Budweis" in German, and "Budweiser" simply means that something is from Budweis. Obviously, the American product (using an alternative maturation process that, I assume, uses horse piss) doesn't compare to either the
original 1795 Budweiser, nor the very popular
Budweiser Budvar, which due to complicated international trademark issues has to be called "Czechvar" in North America. Just how popular is the real Czech version of Budweiser? Well, it's actually the most imported beer into Germany. You know how good German beer is, so if the Germans are importing beer from
somewhere else and drinking it, well, it must be amazing. Oh, and hey speaking of those guys...
4. Germany
What is this? Germany all the way down at #4?
OUTRAGE!!! I am very well aware that many people would rank Germany as #1. I mean they're supposed to be the best! That's why the Japanese hired (and/or enslaved as prisoners of war) all the Germans to make their beer, right? I mean no disrespect to Germany with this, as their beers are indeed quite awesome. While the Czechs may have invented lager - the Germans are without a doubt the masters of it (but be careful calling the Germans "masters" of anything, because they tend to get spun up and start goosestepping). Beer and Germany go hand-in-hand. An important moment in German history is the
Reinheitsgebot ("purity decree"), a 1516 Bavarian beer purity law which set regulations for the ingredients and methods that are allowed for beer production. Those formed the foundations for many of the regulations that still exist today, and you'll find plenty of German beers halls (in Germany and around the world) that still strictly follow the 1516 decree with all of their beers. German beer halls and beer gardens are the only establishments which can give Irish pubs a run for their money. Germany is most likely the country that people would go to if the reason they want to go to another country is just to drink beer. If you go to Germany and don't come home with a stein then you legally haven't been. No other country can even compete with the Germans with their annual two week(-ish) orgy of beer - Oktoberfest. Kölsch, helles, märzens, pilseners, hefeweizens (and all the other weissbiers), bocks, dunkels, schwarzbiers, kellerbiers... holy shit, these are all spectacular! So why #4 again? First off, there isn't actually a huge variety despite the "varieties" I just mentioned. Germany is all about lagers, almost to its detriment. And while Germany's dedication to a 1516 beer purity law is admirable - just think about that. Following a set of rules laid out in 1516 means that you're still doing things the 1516 way, without much room for variation, innovation or evolution. Don't get me wrong - German beers are amazing and #4 is a great spot. The most commonly consumed beer in the world is, by far, blond lager. Germans make amazing lagers - the majority of them blond. If you only want to drink lagers, you should go to Germany. If you need some diversity in your beer though, you'll have to turn elsewhere.
3. United Kingdom
So how in the helles (ha!) is the UK a better beer country than the mighty beer lords of Germany? For exactly the reason you should figure by now - diversity. The Celts were making beer long before the Romans ever showed up to Britannia, so they've been mastering this whole brewing thing for quite a while. And while the Germans are closely associated with their lagers, the UK is almost equally famous for their ales. Pale ales, brown ales, mild ales, dark ales, bitters, strong ales, stouts, and porters (yes, stouts and porters are technically ales, so now you know). Each of those categories themselves can be dedicated into a number of sub categories. For instance, within bitter you can have extra special/strong bitter, session, premium, light, golden... and within stouts you can have dry, milk, oatmeal, chocolate, oyster, imperial... you get the picture. Just how important is ale to the UK? Maybe you should ask yourself if your own country has a
Campaign for Real Ale. CAMRA, as its known, is a 180,000 member voluntary organization formed in the 1970s to oppose the domination that mass produced shit commercial ales were having throughout the UK and Ireland. It is dedicated to preserving British pub culture and
real cask ale - ale that isn't artificially carbonated and put in kegs. Cask ale is harder to make, transport and sell because its unfiltered, unpasteurized, and served from a cask without additional artificially-added nitrogen or carbon dioxide. Given this lack of pasteurization, the yeast in cask ale is still alive and its fermentation process is still continuing - allowing it to retain freshness (supposedly). And once you have a cask ale, you'll know why this campaign started and you'll want to use CAMRA's helpful pub map to find which pubs serve cask ale. Cask ale is draught beer at its very best. This is, unfortunately, where some of the uneducated jokes about English beer being "warm" come from - because cask ale isn't (and shouldn't) be artificially cooled to freezing temperatures. No, cask ale is not "warm" or "room temperate." It is served at cellar temperature - just like red wine should be. This means slightly chilled. Don't worry, if you like your beer ice cold - you still have plenty of options in the UK. Other beers are great cold (whether Guinness should be served ice cold or not remains a fierce debate, while I'm sort of on the side of enjoying it a bit colder). The UK isn't a one trick pony like Germany either. Yes, while it is certainly famous for its traditional ales - the UK has lagers as well. More than half the UK market is now lager. Although, a lot of the lager they drink is imported, the UK does have a few great homegrown lager choices. And for "UK" I am not only referring to England - just look at Scotland and you'll see some examples of lagers like Tennant's, St. Mungo, Kestrel, and Innis & Gunn. The UK isn't held back by some antiquated purity law to tell it what it can and can't do with beer - so it has an amazing number craft beers and quality microbrews. The UK pretty much invented the microbrewing industry as we know it today in the 1970s.
2. Belgium
The people who say they like German beer more than Belgian beer usually start off with the argument that Belgian beer is "too sweet." While I can see where that general sentiment is coming from, it certainly doesn't reflect all Belgian beers. That would be like saying that you don't like IPAs because they "taste like the grass removed from the bottom of a rusty-bladed lawnmower, soaked in Pine-Sol and concentrated human sadness, and blended with unfiltered swamp water and the half-rotten rind of a grapefruit." Yes, generally true - but there
are exceptions. Beer in Belgium varies from those famous Trappist and abbey beers to lambics to Flemish (Flanders) reds to, yes, lagers as well (Stella, anyone?). Let's talk first about those Trappist and abbey ales. Trappist beers are specifically made by monks of the
Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance within the walls of one of their monasteries. A number of these Trappist abbeys gathered together in the 1990s to create the
International Trappist Association (ITA) in response to a growing number of abbeys that were becoming modern commercial for-profit enterprises without the same involvement of monks, which they felt was abusing the "Trappist" name. Westvleteren XII is frequently rated by beer snobs as the best beer in the world. You don't have to agree with beer snobs because you're allowed to have your own tastes, but you might just want to go ahead and try one. You'll also probably recognize Trappist names like Chimay, Orval, Westmalle, and Rochefort. That's not to say that other "abbey" beers that don't meet the Trappist criteria aren't good - here you've got options like Leffe, Grimbergen, Affligem, and St. Bernardus. Do some of these Trappist and abbey beers runs on the sweet side? Sure. The reason why is because they have residual sugars in them from the special yeast, which is still alive (like UK's cask ale). But these beers aren't necessarily a style in themselves, merely a designation of who made them, and the Trappist and abbey beers can vary greatly in color, taste, sweetness, and alcohol content (e.g. dubbels, trippels, quadrupels). But Belgium also has blonde/golden ales (like Duvel), Flemish reds (Duchesse de Bourgogne - which I've heard a friend describe as "like a bottle of vinegar," so to each their own), pilsners (the aforementioned Stella Artois, Jupiler, or Maes), wheat beers (Hoegaarden), ambers (Kwak), saisons, Scotch ales, a wide variety of special Christmas beers, and lambics. When people are talking about Belgian beers being too sweet, they're probably referring to the lambics more so than Trappist beers. These famously come in flavors like cherry (kriek), raspberry (framboise), peach, blackcurrant, and so on. Many of the popular ones are artificially flavored and have added syrups. I won't knock these because they can be quite tasty. On the right occasion they are refreshing and delicious, fulfilling the same function as a summer shandy or a German radler. But you can also get some true lambics that are fermented along with fruits (like krieks fermented with sour Morello cherries) and without added flavor. These might just blow your mind, and the words you would use to describe them would likely be "dry," "acidic," "sour," or "cidery," rather than "sweet." The lambic process actually involves using wild yeasts (rather than the carefully cultivated yeasts used for almost all other beer). Which brings me to gueuze, made from a young and old lambic blended together and fermented a second time. Oude ("Old") Gueuze will have no sweeteners added, and is something you should definitely try. If you go to the right bars around Belgium, you can also find Belgian-made microbrews (including even those grassy IPAs). A final protip for you - every single Belgian beer comes with its own unique glass. Although the world usually sees the Europeans as being anti-death penalty, if you drink a beer out of the wrong glass in Belgium, I'm pretty sure they'll start setting up a gallows for you.
1. The United States of America
Did I stutter? Twenty years ago, you would have laughed so hard at this because I was obviously joking. Fifteen years ago, you would have thrown a punch at my face and called me a stupid, uncultured, Bud-chugging redneck or fratboy. Ten years ago you would have understood where I was generally coming from because the growing microbrewery industry, but still disagreed with me that we were anywhere close to the Germans or Belgians. Five years ago - ehhhhhh. Even now you might still disagree. No country in the world has made a bigger turnaround with beer than 'Murica. We were a joke, internationally. I may have mentioned before a certain American brand with a Czech name maybe tasting like "horse piss." That's unfair and not quite true, because it actually
tastes like nothing. A combination of factors including (but not limited to) the temperance and prohibition movements and the beer industry's profit margins led to American beer having less alcohol and less taste. The beer industry spun the less alcohol and less taste as "less calories," which actually meant "so you can drink more, so that we can sell more." After decades of this, the average American just accepted that tasteless ice-cold lager was the only way beer could be. The microbrewery and craft beer movements have changed that all, and now the United States is a beer paradise where you will want for nothing. American beer is now great for the very reason that America is great - diversity. American breweries make every type and style of beer I mentioned in all of the countries above.
Every type. I'm not kidding. How could America possibly make Trappist beer too, if one of the requirements is that it has to be made by monks in a Trappist abbey? Well guess what! The
Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance have St. Joseph's Abbey in Massachusetts that's been recognized and certified by the ITA to make Trappist beer. The spread of the UK-style microbrew industry into the United States in the 1980s was the big turnaround. Now let's get a few things straight here. Sam Adams gets a little credit here for being the first big name, but it wasn't the only one. And I know that the whole American microbrew/craft beer scene has become completely entwined with hipster culture. Let's not mince words here - I believe all hipsters should be grabbed by their fucking handlebar mustaches and thrown into a giant blender, where they are liquefied and poured into cans of PBR. So let's avoid the whole pretentious "beer culture" thing and instead talk about the beer itself rather than the goddamn bearded "Beer-istas" wearing flannel, thick-rimmed glasses, and a slightly askew hat while telling you about the subtle differences between the organic hops varieties used in their various Session IPAs. Like I said, American beer is about diversity. So you don't like IPA?
You're absolutely not alone. Maybe you'll instead like the stouts, porters, farmhouse ales, lagers of all kinds, lambics, APAs, wild ales, strong ales, wheat beers,
malt liquors (just kidding), barleywines, amber ales, cream ales, etc. And I won't even judge you if you do like the somewhat tasteless mass produced blond lagers. You like what you like and if you want to have the occasional Bud Light Lime then don't let any beer elitist shame you. But wherever you are in the United States, you have amazing and unique choices. Some of those have gone national like Flying Dog, Goose Island, Dogfish Head, Lagunitas, Abita, Founders, Oskar Blues, New Belgium, Allagash, Brooklyn, etc. Chances are you probably have even more smaller operations around you that aren't national, but produce great beers. If you go to bars pretty much anywhere around the world these days - you'll find American craft beers and/or American-style craft beers on draught. The rest of the world wants and craves and loves American beer. That would have been unthinkable years ago.
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