Ed Ranks the Movies he Watched on that Airplane

I recently got off an airplane and watched four movies on my flight. Mind you, I’ve been on a LOT of airplane movies in the last month. So most of the newer, bigger movies I’ve already seen on past flights.  I’m just going to rank these four, random, movies I watched because I had already gone through all the others.

A police force about as trustworthy as
the one on The Shield.

4.  The French Connection

How is Popeye Doyle ranked #44 on the AFI’s “100 Years… 100 Heroes” list? Popeye Doyle is not a hero. He’s not even a marginally good cop. He’s, perhaps, the WORST POLICE OFFICER IN FILM HISTORY.  His only competition might be his partner, Cloudy. In fact, everyone on this police force is terrible. 

Just think about when they tear the car apart looking for the heroin smuggled in from France. They know the car has to have hidden drugs somewhere because its weight doesn’t match.  Then that shitty police mechanic is like, “Well I don’t know where it is! We tore the entire car apart except for that one place in it where we didn’t look yet!” And so then the cops open up the one place of the car where they didn’t look and find the drugs there. GUESS WHAT… YOU SHOULD HAVE LOOKED THERE TOO.  Dumbasses.  I thought the drugs being hidden would be more ingenious than that. They specifically showed the heroin being converted into a liquid format for testing purity earlier in the film. Because of this, I was sure they would have done something like transform the heroin into a liquid and then soaked it in the cloth lining or seat cushioning of the car (or something like that). THAT would have been ingenious. But no. It was just hidden in somewhere that the police “didn’t look at first.” Then the police did look. And they found it. What an amazing smuggling scheme you have there, French idiot heroin smugglers. You HOPED that the cops just wouldn’t look in that one place where you put the drugs. The only thing you had going for you was JUST HOW BAD AT THEIR JOBS THESE COPS ARE.

Now, back to Popeye Doyle. He’s awful. He’s racist. He treats women like shit. He’s an alcoholic. And there is some unseen backstory where he gets another cop killed. Which is why some other cops hate him. Including a federal agent who continually reminds Popeye how terrible of a cop he is for getting that other cop killed. Then you know what Popeye does at the end of the movie? He "accidentally" kills that federal agent who is always reminding him about how he’s a terrible cop for getting cops killed. And that’s not the only person who Popeye gets killed. There are about 20 or so other civilians and police officers in this movie who are brutally gunned down due to some dumb shit that Popeye Doyle essentially caused.

You know that famous scene from The French Connection where Popeye is trailing Frog One / Alain Charnier on the subway? They keep jumping on and off the subway. It’s supposed to be so cute and funny, with them trying to out-fox one another. Well, it’s actually very annoying and stupid. And it takes place at a part in the movie well AFTER it has been established that Popeye Doyle knows that Charnier has “made” him.  Guess what you’re supposed to do after someone you’re following has already “made” you, Popeye Doyle? You’re not supposed to follow him anymore. You’re supposed to send in another agent/officer to follow him.  And yet despite the fact that Charnier already recognized Doyle, and Doyle KNEW that Charnier knew… Doyle continued to be the one to follow him. WHY NOT SEND IN ROY SCHEIDER INSTEAD? His character was pretty much useless in this film. He doesn't even inform anyone that they should have gotten a bigger boat.

The movie ends with a pile of dead bodies, as well as title cards stating that, A) most of the bad guys got off with light sentences because it was a shitty case to begin with, B) Charnier got away and was never caught, and C) Doyle and Cloudy were reassigned for being such shitty cops.

The worst part… this was all based on a true story. A true story about a NYPD Officer named Eddie “Popeye” Egan. You’d think Egan would be somewhat ashamed about how he is characterized in this movie, what with him being a terrible, incompetent, racist cop who gets other cops killed. But Egan wasn’t ashamed at all. In fact, he was so unashamed that he actually STARRED IN THE MOVIE HIMSELF, playing Popeye’s supervisor.

And seriously... this film SWEPT the 1972 Academy Awards. Really?

3. X-Men: Days of Future Past

Hey look, it's a movie!

Yes, indeed I am saying that the 2014 7th installment of the X-Men film franchise is better than the 1972 Academy Award-winning Best Film.

Days of Future Past is surprisingly good, especially with how much of a cluster it was for this film to even happen. First of all, the third X-Men film (X-Men: The Last Stand) was so awful that it essentially destroyed the entire franchise.  So for the next eight years after,  the X-Men franchise only did “side stories” (the equally bad X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and the underrated The Wolverine), and also a prequel (X-Men: First Class).  It seemed like setting any main X-Men story after The Last Stand was never going to happen, other than the vague references to the dead Jean Grey haunting Logan in The Wolverine.  But X-Men: First Class was great! It was a reboot set in the past that cast young new actors in the roles of Professor X and Magneto.  What X-Men: Days of Future Past did was actually pretty sweet. It served as:

1. A prequel to the original three X-Men movies (e.g. it was set in the 1970s, before X-Men)
2. A sequel to X-Men: First Class (e.g. it was set AFTER the 1960s origin story)
3. A sequel to X-Men: The Last Stand and The Wolverine (e.g. it was set in the near future and finally continued the story which hadn’t really been followed up on in eight years)
4. A reboot to the X-Men franchise (e.g. the events of the film forever change X-Men history after the 1970s, thus allowing for an in-continuity reboot of the universe where the horrible continuity of The Last Stand are nullified and therefore no longer happened... which is great because that film sucks)

This is all pretty sweet. The movie is not perfect. There are some glaring plot holes… like how is Professor X still alive in the future? And there are some pretty weak excuses are made for hand-waving away stuff from First Class (e.g. characters are killed off between movies and Prof X can suddenly walk again/no longer has psychic powers for… uhh… reasons). But in the end, the whole thing is satisfying.  When First Class was made, most people were pretty sure that the franchise was rebooted and that was the last we’d see of Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen. But Days of Future Past showed us a movie where an in-continuity reboot could actually mean that the two could be essential parts of the story, along with their younger cohorts - James McAvoy and Michael Fasterblender (whatever, I'm not looking up how to spell it).

It’s also great that the story is told from Wolverine’s perspective. Wolverine didn’t play this role in the comics, but that’s okay because Wolverine is the money character and it’s better if it’s done with him rather than anyone else. And the reason why they use him because of his regenerative powers actually sounds reasonable in the film. 

Also, Peter Dinklage. And that other guy who plays Quicksilver.  Quicksilver is far superior in the X-Men franchise than his Avengers counterpart.

But the main thing I have to say about Days of Future Past is this:  I have worked at RFK Stadium and I have worked at the Pentagon. It is absolutely insane that this movie made specific plot points to destroy the hell out of two specific places that I have worked.  That’s crazy.

2. The Lion King

A film about Zazu the hornbill, and also some other characters.

I was running out of time on the flight, so I needed a shorter movie. Disney/animated movies are usually a sure way to go when you have less than two hours left on a flight. You know that even if the movie time is less than the flight time, then you’ll still be cutting it close because all those times they cut into the flight’s PA system to make announcements in multiple languages about boring crap like using the bathroom and putting on your seat belt. Ugh. Why bother announcing it? People should be smart enough to put their seat belts on. Anyone who isn't smart enough... well... that's just culling the weak from our populations. The circle of life.

So, The Lion King is obviously a classic. You can’t argue with that. Even if it is just “Hamlet in Africa.”  I’m not sure how much I can talk about The Lion King. I’ve talked about it before, afterall, when I ranked Disney Villains by Evilness.

Not to repeat too much of what I said last time… but seriously man… are we REALLY going to blame that drought on Scar?  Yeah, Scar might have killed his brother and tried to kill his nephew in order to become the new king. That’s admittedly a shitty thing to do.  But after he became king and the kingdom fell into darkness with drought and famine… how exactly are we supposed to blame Scar? Droughts happen.  Below-average rainfall in the African Savannah cannot be controlled by the actions of one particular lion at the head of a pride. If anything, when Mufasa was ruling the lions were enemies with the hyenas, and being at war is not a good thing. Scar ended that by making peace with the hyenas. Shouldn’t we remember Scar for his visionary peace treaty? #MakePrideRockGreatAgain #Scar2020

But The Lion King isn’t the Scar story, so I suppose I can talk about Simba too. I mean, I guess he’s okay. Or something. I dunno. And where were the other male lions when Simba and the female lions were fighting to win the pride back? Are there any other male lions? How is this civilization at Pride Rock going to thrive with no other males? Can I go back to talking about Scar now? I really like Scar.

1.  Logan
 

Yes. I am aware this is the wrong poster.
I'm just fucking with you now.

Logan is probably the greatest superhero movie ever. I love Logan. This was the first film I watched on the flight, and I only watched Days of Future Past after I had watched this.

Superhero movies are always so “big” and try to get “bigger” with every one. More special effects. More cities being destroyed. The world and all of existence in peril. The fate of the universe. There is only so much of that bullshit I can take before I’m tired of it.

Logan is a deeply intimate superhero flick with a small cast. Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart return for a final time as Wolverine and Professor X when they are (essentially) the last mutants left on earth (again, essentially… nobody gives a shit about Caliban).

The plot starts out not that much different from Days of Future Past. It’s the near future and the war between man and mutants is pretty much over with mutants now almost extinct. Considering that Days of Future Past was, like, just one movie ago… you’d think that it would be annoying that this plot is happening AGAIN. Especially after Days of Future Past had its happy ending where all the terrible stuff got ret-conned out (Jean Grey, Scott, and all those other are back to being alive and happy).  Logan throws all that happiness away for another depressing, horrible future where the X-Men are wiped out. Which begs the question, “Which continuity is this happening in?”  The creators of this film seem to only provide one answer: They do not care. By this point, the X-Men film franchise is so convoluted and messed up, that not caring about continuity is basically the only option we have to go with.

So now Logan is old and dying, with his regenerative powers no longer working.  And Professor X has Alzheimer’s or some sort of other neurological disease. Which is, quite frankly, an AWESOME plot point. Professor X is the most powerful man in the world because he’s a psychic whose brain can control other minds. What happens when that mind goes bad? This movie asks this question, and the answer is nothing good.

Rather than going on an epic adventure of saving the entire planet from a huge, evil, powerful threat… this story is simply about two old guys in a shitty future who try to help get a young girl get to safety across the Canadian border (Wolverine is Canadian, after all). The villain isn’t some super powerful world destroyer. It’s just Richard E. Grant in a lab coat, and he’s responsible for science stuff that helped to get rid of the mutants. But really he doesn’t want to get rid of mutants. He wants to control them. And it winds up that the little girl is actually just, X-23, Wolverine’s daughter/clone (taken from a DNA sample of him) who can kick ass too.  And Richard E. Grant also has X-24, another Wolverine clone that is Hugh Jackman. So that he gets to fight himself. Sweet.

And, spoiler alert, both Professor X and Wolverine die. Because that’s really the only way this story could go.

Ed Ranks Season 2 Episodes of "Eve" that he Hasn't Seen

Hey look! Paw prints!

Look, I've never seen a single episode of the 2003 UPN show Eve in my life. Is that going to stop me from ranking the 22 episodes of its second season? Of course not. This is Ed Ranks Everything and Season 2 of Eve is a thing. Hence I must rank it.

Am I going to watch the episodes then? Am I even going to read the episode descriptions? No to both! I'm just going to take the episode titles and make up some story about what the episode could have been about, and rank those. Sort of like the Bernard Shaw one. Remember that one? Yeah, it wasn't that good. This one won't be that good either, so don't get your hopes up.

All I've done is collect the names of a few characters on the show and inserted them randomly into the arbitrary descriptions I make up. I think that adds more authenticity, no? Honestly, these descriptions couldn't be any worse than most actual network TV shows on now.

Eve's character name was apparently "Shelly" on the show though, which is nonsense. So I'll just call her "Eve."

22. "Taken For Grant-ed" - Guest starring "NBA Star" Horace Grant as Eve's new love interest, which winds up being a really bad idea because nobody actually recognized Horace Grant. He wasn't really that much of a "star" at all, and by this time he hadn't even been on an NBA AllStar team since 1994. Donovan complains the whole episode that he's a far more famous athlete, but J.T. hushes him all episode in a running joke.

21. "Footloose" - Not actually an Eve episode. The UPN broadcasters accidentally recorded the actual Kevin Bacon movie over the VHS master tape that their episode was on, and just figured they'd air it anyway because it's UPN and nobody cares.

20. "Above Average Joe" - Eve dates a guy named Joe with a giant penis. That's the whole episode.

19. "Over" - Eve decides to call it quits with Donovan after he embarrassing throws three crucial interceptions and gets sacked four times in Super Bowl XXXIX, losing to the New England Patriots by a score of 24–21.

18. "Love TKO" - Special guest star Laila Ali as herself! Nick starts to date boxer Laila Ali and Eve thinks it's a bad idea. She's proven right, as Laila Ali turns out to be a violent, alcoholic, serial physical abuser. The episode ends with ten minutes of crying, followed by apologetic disclaimers from UPN stating that their staff who were supposed to pre-screen episodes before airing were on vacation. Nobody can quite understand why Laila Ali accepted the role.

17. "The Hate-Trix Reloaded" - This episode is just thirty straight minutes of shitty, slow "bullet motion" shots after UPN finally got the budget big enough to use the cameras to record this. It's mostly just awful, but a solid three minutes are just Eve's paw-print-tatooed cleavage bouncing in slow motion after she catches a perfect spiral from Donovan, so it has some redeeming qualities.

Yes. A title card.

16. "If the Shrew Fits" - A modern telling of The Taming of the Shrew, except with the characters from Eve. Which means it's pretty much just a black 10 Things I Hate About You.

15. "Testing Testing HIV" - Not even really an episode, but just an after-school special broadcast with Eve and her fellow cast imploring their audience to get tested, as HIV disproportionately effects the black community. They remind viewers that although black Americans represent only 12% of the U.S. population, they account for 43% of new HIV diagnoses. Donovan runs for over 100 yards for his fourth straight episode. 

14.  "Resident Aliens" - Eve is convinced that their new neighbors are space aliens. She continually tries to burn their house down and shouts graphic, prejudiced epithets at them. Then the whole episode winds up being a metaphor for Apartheid and Eve feels really bad. In the end though, Eve gets the last laugh because this episode was several years ahead of District 9 covering the same themes.

13. "Stay Tuned" - Season Finale! The episode includes a record breaking 16 different cliffhangers in a desperate attempt to ensure that it's picked up for a third season. Is Eve pregnant? Are Nick and Rita secretly dating? Will J.T. turn into a Wolfman after being bitten by one? Did Janie's stalker really die after he was pushed off that cliff... or will he come back since there was that quick shot of a hand coming back up? Will Donovan's time travel experiment to the 1930s forever change football history and prevent the T formation from coming into existence, thus dooming his own career? And so on. I'm not making up 16 cliffhangers, that's crazy. Also, Eve wasn't pregnant. She just ate a burrito had had some gas buildup.

12. "Real Women Have Nerves" - Janie visits a neurologist after having stinging pain in her back for several days. Eve doesn't trust Janie's doctor though, as he frequently tries to give Janie medicine that will knock her out into a deep sleep. Special guest appearance by Bill Cosby as Dr. Cliff Huxtible.

11. "Dateless in Miami" - Eve thinks about how she can't score a date, which is completely insane because she's Eve and she's a beautiful, talented rapper/actress. Well, beautiful, talented rapper at least. Being in Barber Shop sequels isn't exactly catching the attention of the Academy.

10. "All My Exes Havin' Sexes" - Eve learns that her ex-boyfriends, J.T. and Nick, are hooking up with her rivals, Foxxy Brown and Lil' Kim. She plans to murder them all, only to be stopped by county music singer George Strait. George Strait confusingly stars as himself and also as Lil' Kim. Although he honestly looks better as a girl than actual 2018 Lil' Kim.

9. "Friend or Foe?" - Eve meets a new person and they hit it right off, rapidly becoming best friends. But Donovan doesn't trust this new friend. Eve thinks Donovan is just jealous. But as Eve's new friend starts to display strange behavior, Eve begins to worry and think Donovan is right. Eventually, the new friend is revealed as Carolina Panthers linebacker Greg Favors in disguise. Favors trips up Donovan on a broken play and knocks him out of the NFC Championship Game.

8. "Self Helpless" - Eve gets a job as a Tony Robinson-like Self Help guru, only to find out that she's completely out of her depth in the job. As Rita and Janie try to support her in her new endeavor, she is upset to learn that "J.T." doesn't stand for "Justin Timberlake," like she thought it did.

7. "Moral Minority" - When Nick and Donovan get caught up following an charismatic preacher, Eve realizes something must be wrong and investigates further. The preacher winds up being the leader of an apocalyptic suicide cult, and Eve must enlist the help of J.T. and Rita to save their brainwashed friends. Eventually Nick and Donovan literally snap out of it... because Donovan remembers who he is after getting the ball snapped to him by Eve.

6. "Wheeling and Dealing" - Special guest star, Bob Barker! Nick convinces Eve that it will be a good idea to open up a mobile casino out of a camper he won on The Price is Right. They constantly drive across state lines, hoping to evade the police because they don't have a gambling license. Eve accidentally runs over Bob Barker with the very camper he gave away and they have to quietly bury him in the woods. It is never spoken of again.

5. "Lights, Camera, Face Crack!" - Eve decides to star in a new TV show about herself called "Eve" in which she plays a character named "Eve" or maybe "Shelly" (but probably not "Shelly," because that would be an awful idea for the main character of a show named "Eve").  Unfortunately, Eve gets smacked in the face with the camera by Donovan, who is a terrible cameraman because he's really supposed to be an NFL Quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles and doesn't have a knack for camera work. In the end, Eve and Janie agree the show being cancelled is all for the better, as the whole concept of a show-within-a-show was getting a bit too "Meta."

4. "Prom Night"- Eve agrees to go out on a date with a man she met at work, but he winds up being a high school intern and they go to his prom. Eve spends the majority of the episode in a police station, desperately trying not to be registered as a sex offender.

3. "Breast in Show" - Eve enters a beauty pageant and wins. But soon she believes that the results were fixed because the announcer, Steve Harvey, was infatuated by those paw prints on her boobs and is trying to sleep with her. Because really, man. Those paw prints. Those are something else, right? I mean this is the third time I'm mentioning them here. In the end, Eve voluntarily gives up her award and refuses to sleep with Steve Harvey. This episode is known for the fact that Steve Harvey had no script and wasn't aware he was filming a TV show. He's just really stupid and really thought he was on an award show, and actually tried to rig it to sleep with Eve.

2. "Splice of Life" - Eve finally uses her master's degree in biotechnology in order to get a job at a company that performs genetic engineering experiments. Little does she know, her boss is a mad scientist. Rita and Janie try to to save Eve and shut down the lab before his experiments destroy mankind, but get caught and wind up as prisoners too.  Eventually, Donovan finds them all and rescues them, as the laboratory was coincidentally hidden under the newly-opened Lincoln Financial Field, his own workplace.

1. "Kung Fu Divas" - Eve, Janie and Rita take up Chinese martial arts so that they can become a three-woman crime fighting team. But when one of the criminals they catch is Donovan, trying to steal the Vince Lombardi Trophy because he was unable to win it himself, Eve questions whether to turn him in or not, and whether the life of a crime fighter is right for her.

Ed Ranks the Supposed Multiple Causes of Rasputin's Death

This creepy guy probably needed a killin'

Look, Rasputin is famous for being impossible to kill. But that story is also total bullshit and relies on the dubious accounts of his murderers. They (Felix Yusupov, Dmitri Pavlovich, and Vladimir Purishkevich) had a vested interest in proving that their enemy was evil and demonic.

Chances are they capped the dude in the back of the head and that was it. Maybe they fucked up once and poisoned him with something that wasn't strong enough. I dunno. It doesn't matter. Let's just pretend the story that they (mainly Yusupov's most famous account) tell is real.

I isn't though, so don't get too worked up. The coroner's official cause of death is a shot in head at close range. That's it.

6. Revolver Shot to the Chest by Yusupov - The third time they tried to killed Rasputin on the early morning of December 30, 1916, Felix Yusupov went upstairs, borrowed a gun from Dmitry Pavlovich, came back downstairs, and made some CSI: Miami-esque quip to Rasputin about needing to look at a crucifix and say a prayer. He then shot Rasputin in the chest. Pretty boring. Shooting a guy in the chest is a fairly standard way of killing someone. I guess by try #3 they were running out of creative killing ideas. In all honestly though, we can't blame them for being at a loss and going for this basic option after the first two tries didn't work. I'm not sure how many backup murder plans I'd have.

5. Three Glasses of Poisoned Madeira Wine - The second time they tried to kill Rasputin, after the first poisoning didn't work, was done by trying to poison him... AGAIN! They gave him three glasses of poisoned wine. And he still didn't die. I know, this is pretty vexing. But trying to poison someone's wine is also pretty standard fare. This sounds more like some Agatha Christie story than a well thought-out murder plot. Maybe don't try to poison this guy again after the first attempt fails. Maybe this guy is just immune to poison. Or you bought shit poison. Did you even try it on rats first?

4. An Additional Two Gunshots (Including One to the Head) by Purishkevich in a Courtyard - The FOURTH (yes... FOURTH!) time they tried to kill Rasputin (after two poisonings and a shooting hadn't worked) was an attempt to shoot him again. After finding out that he survived the first shooting, Rasputin apparently ran out of the building and made a break for it outside. But they caught him in the courtyard and Purishkevich busted a cap two more times, with one of those times being a shot to the head at close range. This is really the only verifiable cause of death and, as mentioned above, the one that appears on the coroner's certificate.

Deadly, deadly tea and cakes!

3. Cyanide-laced Tea and Cakes - The first attempt to kill Raputin was as simple as it was cute: Give him some cyanide-laced tea and cakes. It's sort of like a little girl's tea party, except that little girl is Lydia from Bettlejuice. This plan should have worked. If you gave me cyanide-laced cakes and tea, I would surely eat them and die. This was better than the "poisoned wine" (attempt two) idea because poisoning wine is a cliche. But tea and cakes? No way I would think some thoughtful-ass person giving me tea and cakes was trying to kill me. Who would go to all that effort of baking?

2. Being Wrapped Up in Cloth and Tossed into the River - So let's be honest here, maybe all those things up to the gunshot to the head actually happened. Some failed poisonings and some gunshots that didn't kill him after the first shot. I suppose that's plausible. But, according to Yusupov, even after the fourth murder attempt that included a close range BOOM HEADSHOT, Rasputin still popped up again. I'm sure this is bullshit, but here we go. The SIXTH AND FINAL attempt to kill Rasputin was to take him, wrap him in cloth (maybe a blue curtain), and throw his body into the Malaya Nevka River. In December. In Russia. According to additional legend (not even Yusupov's story, but embellishments after) he was alive even then and there was evidence that he clawed at the ice. But again, that's not even part of this story. Anyway, throwing someone in a freezing river in Russia in December is a pretty good way to ensure that they are dead. But chances are, he was already way dead before this happened. The coroner found no water in his lungs, so he was a goner before this. Now we're getting into overkill. Yes, only now.

1. Beating him with a Rubber Truncheon - After being shot in the head, but before being dumped in a freezing river, there was the fifth attempt to kill Rasputin. In this attempt, Rasputin was still somehow alive and Yusupov got a rubber truncheon and beat Rasputin in the head with it until he passed out. And by "he," I mean Yusupov, not Rasputin. Yes. Yusupov apparently beat another man in the head so hard that he himself passed out from how hard the beating was. Honestly, this one is being ranked #1 because I simply find the words "rubber truncheon" funny. As I'm typing this, I don't even know what a truncheon is. Okay. Now I'm Googling it. It's basically a baton. But if the account was "baton," it wouldn't be that funny. But "truncheon" is funny. Especially since it's rubber.  Total desperation move here, guys. You poisoned and shot a guy who still won't die and you think a rubber stick will do the job?  I'm just thinking of this Felix dude trying to kill Rasputin FOUR times and it doesn't work, and so he grabs a rubber stick and hits ol' Raspy until he himself daintily passes out. Epic.

Ed Ranks Japanese KitKat Flavors

Yes, it's KitKats. This isn't even all of them. I left two bags out this pic.

I went to Japan the other week. I probably bought over $100 worth of KitKats. Japan is far ahead of the United States in KitKat R&D. Japanese scientists are blowing us away in the KitKat race. We don't even stand a chance.  Soon our own American KiKats will be antiquated like AOL discs and Blockbuster Video.

How is it that we're so far behind? It's obvious we should be able to make good, interesting KitKat flavors. But here we are. Stuck with normal, boring KitKats. Oh well.

By the way, there are much more than 14 flavors. But these are the ones we got.

14. Uji Matcha - It's green in color and smells like a KitKat. That's right. It smells like a KitKat. The taste though. Ugh. I am not a fan of Matcha tea. The initial bite was like, "oh, this isn't that bad!" But then that disgusting seaweed aftertaste hit me. Nasty.

13. Uji Hojicha - Sort of like the color of the discontinued tan M&M's, but with a subtle, nasty green tint. Like your bowel movements when you're sick. Absolutely the worst color of the whole batch. I smelled nothing. Totally neutral. I convinced myself for a second that maybe there was a slight tea smell, but I think I was trying to tell myself that rather than actually smelling anything. The taste is gross throughout. Eww. The same nasty taste as the Matcha after taste, but maybe slightly less worse (I am unable to use "better" here). How do you balance the ranking of something with a consistently bad flavor versus one with an okay initial bite that turns to AWFUL? For its consistency, I'll rank the Hojicha slightly higher than the Matcha. But not much higher.

12. Azuki Sand Aji (Red Bean Sandwich) - Chocolate color and smells like dirt. Not even really dirt. Maybe vermiculite. My initial tasting was that I felt it was kind of "neutral," or perhaps "interesting." But upon a second tasting after all the others, I didn't like it at all and ranked it near the bottom. There might be a slight fruit/jam taste mixed in, but the smell upsets the whole thing.

11. Amazake - White. Not as strong a smell as the sake one (see below), which makes sense because Amazake is sort of a low-to-no alcohol version of sake. Very subtle flavor. Maybe after eating all the other ones, this one was totally washed out. Sweet, but nothing really stood out, and the flavor just seemed to blend in.

10. Yogurt & Double Berry with Almonds - This one has no English on the packaging, so I'm using some internet research to figure out what it was. Unlike all the others, this didn't have a solid chocolate coating, but the top of the (white) chocolate had visible berries and nuts. They were sort of ground up. The initial taste was sort of buttery, maybe like a subtle version of the butter one (also see below). But then as it lingered, I also tasted the yogurt. I was not a huge fan of this one. It didn't taste bad, but it was just okay.

9. Hokkaido Melon - Peach color, and no real smell that I could smell. I bit into it and it indeed tasted like melon. Melon plus chocolate sounds scary, but this actually worked pretty well. It tasted good. Not at the top, but good. All the KitKats from here in out are pretty good. They are KitKats, after all.

8. Shinshu Apple - Normal chocolate color, but opening the packet gives you an instant blast of apple smell. It's so strong. Almost artificial. It smells like a sour apple hard candy and honestly doesn't taste that different. A powerful apple punch that was interestingly satisfying, despite some fears that chocolate and apple don't necessarily mix. I liked it. My wife did not. More for me, less for her.

7. Butter - White color, smelled like frosting. I was kind of scared of this one and what it would taste like. Would it really taste like butter? I guess it did a little, but the butter taste was pretty subtle. It was more sweet and creamy than buttery. It also had a notably harder bite (like dark chocolate usually has over milk chocolate). It was good though. Surprisingly good. Who'd have thought I'd like the butter one? This was honestly the throw-away package I got, expecting to hate it but willing to try something weird.

6. Rum Raisin - White color, and an immediate alcohol smell when opening the packet. I'm not sure it smelled like "rum," but it did smell like alcohol. I did taste the rum flavor though, and maybe a little bit of the raisin flavor. Nice, strong, sweet. Although I did like it more on my first try than my second. Honestly, I'm not sure why this one is ranked six. I almost want to rank it and ninth and move the three above this one place higher. These rankings are so arbitrary though, so I'm not going to be bothered by it. I guess I'm putting it up here because I like alcohol.

5. Amaou Strawberry - Pink color, smells like strawberry! And a natural strawberry smell, rather than an artificial one. The taste was also very strawberry, although I didn't like it more than the  "strawberry maple" (yet again, see below).

4. Sake - White color and an instantly recognizable sake smell when you open the bag. Yep, this is going to taste like sake, I bet! ...And it does! Smells like sake. Tastes like sake. Maybe it has a slight fruity/apple taste to it as well. Or was I just making that up since this was the ninth one I tried? After a while, you can't really tell them apart anymore. 

3. Strawberry Cheesecake - White, good smell. I'm not sure if I smelled "cheesecake," but what I smelled... I liked. Taste-wise, about the same. I'm not sure if I had blind taste tested it I would have been able to say, "cheesecake," but I did like the flavor. The strawberry part did stand out, and that was nice. As the taste lingered more in my mouth, I eventually did sense more "cheesecake"  via a slow flavor build.

2. Strawberry Maple - Pink color and smells like strawberry Quik. No real maple taste here, I just tasted strawberry. And it tasted good! The taste of the wafer also stood out in this one. Like it was extra crunchy or flavorful or something. I dunno. Whatever. Still, no discernible maple. Should I hold that against it? Not really, because the strawberry was awesome. Better than the Amaou or Cheesecake versions. That's right, I liked the strawberry KitKat that smelled more like Quik than the one that smelled natural. That tells you a lot. Or maybe nothing.

1. Beni-Imo (Purple Sweet Potato) - This one had a lavender color, and smelled like vanilla. I LOVED the smell of this one. It started out with an initial fruity taste that I was SURE was going to eventually morph into some starchy "sweet potato" flavor like that slop at thanksgiving. But that never happened. It didn't taste much like sweet potato at all, and the fruity flavor remained. It was surprisingly great! I had this one first, so part of me felt like I had some bias liking this one because I started with it versus going with it as my fourteenth one when my palette was destroyed. Maybe that happened, but in my second tasting it still ranked strong.

~~

Some lessons learned? Apparently I really like strawberry flavors - since three strawberry flavors appeared in my top five. KitKat, you need to get working on bringing Strawberry KitKats to every shelf in the United States!

By the way, my wife ranked them too. But I didn't look at her list and we did the rankings independently, so as to not bias one another. Here were her rankings:

14. Shinshu Apple

13. Azuki Sand Aji

12. Amazake

11. Sake

10. Yogurt & Double Berry with Almonds

9. Strawberry Maple

8. Uji Matcha

7. Beni-Imo

6. Strawberry Cheesecake

5. Uji Hojicha

4. Rum Raisin

3. Butter

2. Amaou Strawberry

1. Hokkaido Melon

Ed Ranks the Names of Horses at the 2004 Preakness Stakes

Horse names are crazy, right? Who cares about how good these horses are or in what place they finished. The true winner is the Owner who gave the horse the best name.

10. Little Matth Man – This is a terrible name. This might be the lamest horse name I’ve ever seen in my life. Oops. Sorry for saying “lame” next to “horse.” I swear it wasn’t on purpose! Anyway, I didn't spell "math" wrong. That's how the name is. Like a nickname for Matthew, but for stupid people.

9. Imperialism – This is the most aggressively “White Rich Man Who Owns Horses” name possible. Yikes!

8. Water Cannon – Water Cannons are fun, but I don’t particular associate them with horses. Not even sea horses. Which is probably why Water Cannon finished DEAD LAST.

7. Borrego – This is Spanish for “bighorned sheep.” That’s confusing. Don’t name your horse “sheep.” That’s like naming your dog “Cat.”

Smarty Jones. Although it could be any horse, honestly.

6. Smarty Jones - Smarty Jones won the 2004 Preakness (as well as the Kentucky Derby) and is, most likely, the only horse name from this list that you will even recognize (if you even recognize that). But it’s a pretty “meh” name. Sorry about that second place finish at the Belmont and your lack of a Triple Crown, Smarty.

5. Eddington – This one doesn’t strike me as good or bad. It’s just a name. This horse sounds like he should be in the British House of Lords.

4. Song of the Sword – Very poetic and epic. It sounds like something from George R.R. Martin. Or maybe the bible. Wait. Is this just some sort of bible thing?

3. Lion Heart – It’s hard to believe nobody named a racehorse this until the 2000’s. It seems so obvious. So I wonder if it was named after Richard I or after Chris Jericho.

2. Rock Hard Ten – Is this a horse or a pornstar? Either way… I LIKE IT.

1. Sir Shackleton – Niiiiiice. Great horse name. I hope he’s not named after Sir Ernest Henry Shackleton though. Naming yourself after an Antarctic explorer who died along the way is probably not good mojo for your horse.

Ed Ranks Camping Food

A Canadian about to roast his children, I assume.

It’s almost warm enough to go camping outside (also known by homeless people as “living”) and not freeze to death.

Horray! Let’s do that!

But what should we eat?

10. Fancy Shit – This is a terrible idea. If you google “Camping Food,” you’ll find all sorts of lame, complicated “gourmet” recipes to prepare when you're out in the woods. Forget that glamping nonsense. Buddy, you’re out in the woods with a campfire. You best eat like you belong here. And watch behind your back for Jason Vorhees.

9. Freeze Dried Laziness – If you go into any REI, you can pick up packages of pre-made freeze dried stuff. Supposedly you can just add water and cook it in a pot. I guess. But come on, stop being lazy! You’re not supposed to be out here eating Astronaut Ice Cream. Make something yourself!

8. Random Meat & Vegetables Thrown Together in a Dutch Oven – Seems reasonable, but still a lot of effort.

7. Burgers – Yeah, you could put burgers on the grill (if your camping spot has a grill, rather than open pit fire). But burgers seem more like a “grilling at home” kind of food, rather than a camping thing.

This Dutch Oven.
Not the Urban Dictionary thing.

6. Pot o’ Chili – If you’re going to bring a Dutch Oven, you had best make some chili!

5. Steak – This is sort of like burgers, but I love steak. So have some steak. You can skewer it if that makes you feel better. All proper camping food comes on a skewer. Henceforth, all food below shall be the result of a process that involves a stick.

4. Bacon / Pork Belly – Yeah, make some skewers of this fatty deliciousness and watch the flames rise as the grease drops into it. Those flames are simply the goddess of the hearth telling you. “Good work for burning fat. This satisfies me very much, mortal.” True story.

3. Kebabs – "Skewer + Meat + Vegetables = Camping." This is the only math I truly understand.

2. Hot Dogs – Why even go  camping if you’re not going to roast hot dogs?

Magical

1. S’mores – It is actually illegal in most places (and punishable by death) to not bring marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers with you when you go camping. Or at least it should be.

Ed Ranks Things that there are None Of (According to Ozzy)

Ozzmosis is the seventh solo studio album by English heavy metal musician Ozzy Osbourne, released in October 1995. The second track on the album is “I Just Want You.” That song goes through an extensive list of things that there are none of. How about I rank those things?

There are no…

20. Uncriminal Crimes – Come on now, Ozzy. This one is just a lazy tautology.

19. Unachievable Goals – This one is simply not true. I know your parents tell you to believe in yourself and all your goals will come true. Well guess what? If you have a goal to be the President of the World, who is also a Space Captain and immortal… that is NOT going to happen. Your goals, sir or m’am, are indeed unachievable.

18. Invisible Seams – I suppose this is true, but who cares? The 12 human beings who went to go see Phantom Thread?

17. Impossible Dreams – I guess in the technical sense this is true, as you could dream about ANYTHING, so no dream would be "impossible." I think Ozzy is alluding to making those dreams come true though, which would make this statement A) False, and B) a repeat of #19 above.  That being said, on a technicality he doesn’t 100% clarify this point, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

16. Unlockable Doors – I mean sure, I suppose. You could put a lock on anything, I guess. If that's your thing.

15. Unkillable Thrills – I'm not sure what this one even means. There is no such thing as a thrill which can’t be killed? I dunno, Ozzy. You’re married, so you should know better than that.  GET IT? BECAUSE IN MARRIAGE THE MAGIC GOES AWAY AND YOU BECOME DEAD INSIDE! [sorry honey, this is just a joke *shifty eyes*] 

14. Unrhymable Rhymes – Recursive again, but it’s more poetic this time. So points.

13. Unsingable Songs – True with the exception of “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba, which is absolutely unsingable.

12. Indisputable Truths – Although there are “Alternative Facts.”

11. Legitimate Kings or Queens – Factual. The whole concept of “legitimacy” of monarchs is crazy. Who cares what your blood-right is? Who gave birth to you doesn’t make you have power. Power is power.

10. Unnameable Names – Like “Voldemort.” Supposedly you can’t say the name. But I just said it. So there.

9. Fountain of Youth – Well, we all obviously know this now. But somebody should have told Juan Ponce de León, because looking for this shit wasted a lot of his time and all we got out of it was a tourist attraction in St. Augustine.

8. Incurable Ills – Obviously, in the present tense this is not factual. There are plenty of things that have no cure. But I can see if we’re speaking generally how maybe one day we can find cures to all our ills. Pretty optimistic though, which is not a very metal thing.

7. Unsaveable Souls – Sure, everyone could be saved. But it’s probably not worth all that time and effort.

6. Unbeatable Odds – Optimistic again, but yes… by definition, if something even has odds then it’s not “unbeatable.” Just “unlikely.”

5. Unrightable Wrongs – Not sure I agree with this, but I appreciate the sentiment.

4. Unwinable Wars – Except when playing Stratego against my little brother. I could never win that shit.

3. Identical Twins – With the exception of Lindsey Lohan and British Parent Trap Lindsey Lohan. Those two looked JUST ALIKE.

2. Believable Gods – YES! This statement is METAL AS FUCK! It’s about time you start getting Metal, Ozzy.

1. Forgivable Sins – METAL AGAIN. SO METAL.

Ed Ranks Forest Whitaker’s Eyes

Another Jacobite claimant!

Hey look, we all realize this list is going to be short. Just be glad I’m not talking about the Olympics anymore.  So why talk about Forest Whitaker? I dunno. Pick a reason. Black Panther was great. Maybe they just re-ran The Crying Game on cable. That’s a pretty sweet movie, right? And how about that hot chick in it? So hot! Oh, by the way--I’ve only ever seen half of that film. I wonder how it all winds up with her. 

ANYWAAAAAAY…

3. Third Eye – This is Forest’s gate that leads to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness and enlightenment. Or it would be, if it existed. But it doesn’t exist. Forget that dharmic stuff. So let’s rank this one last.

2. Wonky Eye – You know exactly what I’m talking about.

1. Normal Eye - Forest Whitaker’s normal, regular eye that works properly is clearly his best eye.

Hope you enjoyed this ranking!