Ed Ranks Season 2 Episodes of "Eve" that he Hasn't Seen

Hey look! Paw prints!

Look, I've never seen a single episode of the 2003 UPN show Eve in my life. Is that going to stop me from ranking the 22 episodes of its second season? Of course not. This is Ed Ranks Everything and Season 2 of Eve is a thing. Hence I must rank it.

Am I going to watch the episodes then? Am I even going to read the episode descriptions? No to both! I'm just going to take the episode titles and make up some story about what the episode could have been about, and rank those. Sort of like the Bernard Shaw one. Remember that one? Yeah, it wasn't that good. This one won't be that good either, so don't get your hopes up.

All I've done is collect the names of a few characters on the show and inserted them randomly into the arbitrary descriptions I make up. I think that adds more authenticity, no? Honestly, these descriptions couldn't be any worse than most actual network TV shows on now.

Eve's character name was apparently "Shelly" on the show though, which is nonsense. So I'll just call her "Eve."

22. "Taken For Grant-ed" - Guest starring "NBA Star" Horace Grant as Eve's new love interest, which winds up being a really bad idea because nobody actually recognized Horace Grant. He wasn't really that much of a "star" at all, and by this time he hadn't even been on an NBA AllStar team since 1994. Donovan complains the whole episode that he's a far more famous athlete, but J.T. hushes him all episode in a running joke.

21. "Footloose" - Not actually an Eve episode. The UPN broadcasters accidentally recorded the actual Kevin Bacon movie over the VHS master tape that their episode was on, and just figured they'd air it anyway because it's UPN and nobody cares.

20. "Above Average Joe" - Eve dates a guy named Joe with a giant penis. That's the whole episode.

19. "Over" - Eve decides to call it quits with Donovan after he embarrassing throws three crucial interceptions and gets sacked four times in Super Bowl XXXIX, losing to the New England Patriots by a score of 24–21.

18. "Love TKO" - Special guest star Laila Ali as herself! Nick starts to date boxer Laila Ali and Eve thinks it's a bad idea. She's proven right, as Laila Ali turns out to be a violent, alcoholic, serial physical abuser. The episode ends with ten minutes of crying, followed by apologetic disclaimers from UPN stating that their staff who were supposed to pre-screen episodes before airing were on vacation. Nobody can quite understand why Laila Ali accepted the role.

17. "The Hate-Trix Reloaded" - This episode is just thirty straight minutes of shitty, slow "bullet motion" shots after UPN finally got the budget big enough to use the cameras to record this. It's mostly just awful, but a solid three minutes are just Eve's paw-print-tatooed cleavage bouncing in slow motion after she catches a perfect spiral from Donovan, so it has some redeeming qualities.

Yes. A title card.

16. "If the Shrew Fits" - A modern telling of The Taming of the Shrew, except with the characters from Eve. Which means it's pretty much just a black 10 Things I Hate About You.

15. "Testing Testing HIV" - Not even really an episode, but just an after-school special broadcast with Eve and her fellow cast imploring their audience to get tested, as HIV disproportionately effects the black community. They remind viewers that although black Americans represent only 12% of the U.S. population, they account for 43% of new HIV diagnoses. Donovan runs for over 100 yards for his fourth straight episode. 

14.  "Resident Aliens" - Eve is convinced that their new neighbors are space aliens. She continually tries to burn their house down and shouts graphic, prejudiced epithets at them. Then the whole episode winds up being a metaphor for Apartheid and Eve feels really bad. In the end though, Eve gets the last laugh because this episode was several years ahead of District 9 covering the same themes.

13. "Stay Tuned" - Season Finale! The episode includes a record breaking 16 different cliffhangers in a desperate attempt to ensure that it's picked up for a third season. Is Eve pregnant? Are Nick and Rita secretly dating? Will J.T. turn into a Wolfman after being bitten by one? Did Janie's stalker really die after he was pushed off that cliff... or will he come back since there was that quick shot of a hand coming back up? Will Donovan's time travel experiment to the 1930s forever change football history and prevent the T formation from coming into existence, thus dooming his own career? And so on. I'm not making up 16 cliffhangers, that's crazy. Also, Eve wasn't pregnant. She just ate a burrito had had some gas buildup.

12. "Real Women Have Nerves" - Janie visits a neurologist after having stinging pain in her back for several days. Eve doesn't trust Janie's doctor though, as he frequently tries to give Janie medicine that will knock her out into a deep sleep. Special guest appearance by Bill Cosby as Dr. Cliff Huxtible.

11. "Dateless in Miami" - Eve thinks about how she can't score a date, which is completely insane because she's Eve and she's a beautiful, talented rapper/actress. Well, beautiful, talented rapper at least. Being in Barber Shop sequels isn't exactly catching the attention of the Academy.

10. "All My Exes Havin' Sexes" - Eve learns that her ex-boyfriends, J.T. and Nick, are hooking up with her rivals, Foxxy Brown and Lil' Kim. She plans to murder them all, only to be stopped by county music singer George Strait. George Strait confusingly stars as himself and also as Lil' Kim. Although he honestly looks better as a girl than actual 2018 Lil' Kim.

9. "Friend or Foe?" - Eve meets a new person and they hit it right off, rapidly becoming best friends. But Donovan doesn't trust this new friend. Eve thinks Donovan is just jealous. But as Eve's new friend starts to display strange behavior, Eve begins to worry and think Donovan is right. Eventually, the new friend is revealed as Carolina Panthers linebacker Greg Favors in disguise. Favors trips up Donovan on a broken play and knocks him out of the NFC Championship Game.

8. "Self Helpless" - Eve gets a job as a Tony Robinson-like Self Help guru, only to find out that she's completely out of her depth in the job. As Rita and Janie try to support her in her new endeavor, she is upset to learn that "J.T." doesn't stand for "Justin Timberlake," like she thought it did.

7. "Moral Minority" - When Nick and Donovan get caught up following an charismatic preacher, Eve realizes something must be wrong and investigates further. The preacher winds up being the leader of an apocalyptic suicide cult, and Eve must enlist the help of J.T. and Rita to save their brainwashed friends. Eventually Nick and Donovan literally snap out of it... because Donovan remembers who he is after getting the ball snapped to him by Eve.

6. "Wheeling and Dealing" - Special guest star, Bob Barker! Nick convinces Eve that it will be a good idea to open up a mobile casino out of a camper he won on The Price is Right. They constantly drive across state lines, hoping to evade the police because they don't have a gambling license. Eve accidentally runs over Bob Barker with the very camper he gave away and they have to quietly bury him in the woods. It is never spoken of again.

5. "Lights, Camera, Face Crack!" - Eve decides to star in a new TV show about herself called "Eve" in which she plays a character named "Eve" or maybe "Shelly" (but probably not "Shelly," because that would be an awful idea for the main character of a show named "Eve").  Unfortunately, Eve gets smacked in the face with the camera by Donovan, who is a terrible cameraman because he's really supposed to be an NFL Quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles and doesn't have a knack for camera work. In the end, Eve and Janie agree the show being cancelled is all for the better, as the whole concept of a show-within-a-show was getting a bit too "Meta."

4. "Prom Night"- Eve agrees to go out on a date with a man she met at work, but he winds up being a high school intern and they go to his prom. Eve spends the majority of the episode in a police station, desperately trying not to be registered as a sex offender.

3. "Breast in Show" - Eve enters a beauty pageant and wins. But soon she believes that the results were fixed because the announcer, Steve Harvey, was infatuated by those paw prints on her boobs and is trying to sleep with her. Because really, man. Those paw prints. Those are something else, right? I mean this is the third time I'm mentioning them here. In the end, Eve voluntarily gives up her award and refuses to sleep with Steve Harvey. This episode is known for the fact that Steve Harvey had no script and wasn't aware he was filming a TV show. He's just really stupid and really thought he was on an award show, and actually tried to rig it to sleep with Eve.

2. "Splice of Life" - Eve finally uses her master's degree in biotechnology in order to get a job at a company that performs genetic engineering experiments. Little does she know, her boss is a mad scientist. Rita and Janie try to to save Eve and shut down the lab before his experiments destroy mankind, but get caught and wind up as prisoners too.  Eventually, Donovan finds them all and rescues them, as the laboratory was coincidentally hidden under the newly-opened Lincoln Financial Field, his own workplace.

1. "Kung Fu Divas" - Eve, Janie and Rita take up Chinese martial arts so that they can become a three-woman crime fighting team. But when one of the criminals they catch is Donovan, trying to steal the Vince Lombardi Trophy because he was unable to win it himself, Eve questions whether to turn him in or not, and whether the life of a crime fighter is right for her.